Funny, Naughty, Clean and Blonde Jokes

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

50 Facts About Women - 3
2007-10-16 08:19:00
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; afte...
More About: Facts

50 Facts About Women - 2
2007-10-15 08:16:00
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.14. Women think all beer is the same.15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.18. Women brush their hair before bed.19. Watch a woman eat...
More About: Facts

50 Facts About Women - 1
2007-10-14 08:08:00
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the em...
More About: Facts

The Postman . . .
2007-10-13 07:42:00
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"She frowned and said, "The postman.""Why the postman?""Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

The Honeymoon Surprise ? ? ?
2007-10-12 07:34:00
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into be, and placed his wife's hand on the stump."Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
More About: Honeymoon

A Man's Answers - 3
2007-10-11 09:53:00
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We jus...
More About: Answers

A Man's Answers - 2
2007-10-10 09:51:00
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole othe...
More About: Answers

A Man's Answers - 1
2007-10-09 09:48:00
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is ju...
More About: Answers

Free Drink for Everyone
2007-10-08 09:42:00
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drink s for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender."What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
More About: Free

Prashant's Thought
2007-10-07 09:43:00
One afternoon at Cheers, Prashant was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Nikhil. And here's how it went:Well ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
More About: Thought

The Body Builder
2007-10-06 09:40:00
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
More About: Body , The Body , Builder

A Dangerous Looking Trick!
2007-10-05 09:37:00
A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to t...
More About: Trick , Dangerous

Ladies Toilet
2007-10-04 09:34:00
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no" he replies."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that" she says "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
More About: Toilet , Ladies

Bar Challenge
2007-10-03 09:31:00
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You got to make things right for her."The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then sil...
More About: Challenge

Birds and Bees
2007-10-02 09:22:00
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in."Mother, where do babies come from?"The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ?That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy?s vagina. That?s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend."Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy?s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?""Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
More About: Birds , Bees

Bullets . . .
2007-10-01 09:17:00
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out.""No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
More About: Bullets

First Thing to do after Jail
2007-09-30 09:15:00
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.The only thing he said was, "F.F."His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."She responded simply, "E.F."He repeated, "F.F."She again replied, "E.F.""Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to Eat First!"
More About: Jail , Thing

Popular Guy
2007-09-29 09:13:00
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and dozen donuts.
More About: Popular , Pula

Lifetime Savings . . .
2007-09-28 09:09:00
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 75 and the bride was 23.The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
More About: Lifetime , Savings

An Hour of Pleasure
2007-09-27 09:07:00
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality."We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
More About: Pleasure , Hour

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex
2007-09-26 09:04:00
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
More About: Studying

How can I repay you? ? ?
2007-09-25 08:57:00
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?""My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I...

The Wedding Anniversary . . .
2007-09-24 08:54:00
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.9. Today is our what?8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?7. I thought we only celebrated important events?6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.4. Got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.3. If you want me to pretend I care about our anniversary, I will.2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut you up.1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
More About: Anniversary , Wedding

Guessing Games . . .
2007-09-18 09:54:00
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating."Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked."Nope.""Is it pork?" the son Willie asked."Nope.""Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed."I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me.""Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
More About: Games

Butt Size of a Grill ? ? ?
2007-09-17 09:50:00
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill."Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt."Yep," he said," just what I thought, just about the same size."The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?"The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
More About: Size , Butt , Grill

That?s Your Sister ! ! !
2007-09-16 09:47:00
A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, ?Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.?The father explained, ?No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.?So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.Furious, the mother shouted, Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!?
More About: Sister

What Trip ? ? ?
2007-09-15 09:39:00
One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer.I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip ?"
More About: Trip

Away for 3 days. . .
2007-09-14 09:36:00
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
More About: Days

Expected Baby ! ! !
2007-09-13 09:29:00
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Johnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"Johnny burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
More About: Baby

Kinds of Doctors. . .
2007-09-12 09:25:00
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little.Surgeons know little and do everything.Internists knows everything and do nothing.Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
More About: Doctors