Funny, Naughty, Clean and Blonde Jokes

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Birth control pills ! ! !
2007-09-11 09:22:00
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
More About: Birth , Control , Birth Control , Pills

Goony Bird . . .
2007-09-10 09:16:00
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"Again the ...
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Two Dogs ! ! !
2007-09-09 09:06:00
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
More About: Dogs

Christian Bear . . .
2007-09-08 08:58:00
An atheist man was hiking in the mountains, but suddenly a bear appeared and attacked the man. Just before the bear was about to Strike, The man called on the name of God. "Please Help me, if you listen to me once, I will believe in you".All of a sudden a bright cloud appeared before him and said, "Why should I help you? You persecuted my people, and never believed that I existed".The man thought to himself maybe I will just ask him to make the bear a Christian then I don't owe Him anything but and they bear will be good and spare my life.God said, "Your prayer has been granted."Suddenly the bear raised his both arm and said " Thank you Lord for an awesome meal that you have given me"!!
More About: Bear

Will . . .
2007-09-07 08:57:00
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.He said, Will !? What will ? I'm making a list of the people I gonna bite."

Talking Dog For Sale ! ! !
2007-09-06 08:51:00
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale ."He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm ...
More About: For Sale

Like Cats and Dogs . . .
2007-09-05 08:45:00
What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.Conclus...
More About: Cats and Dogs

Killer Dog ... !
2007-09-04 08:36:00
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
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Dangerous Parrot ! ! !
2007-09-03 08:30:00
A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don?t worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"
More About: Parrot , Dangerous

Lucky Saucer. . .
2007-09-02 08:16:00
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish."And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
More About: Lucky

Misc Joke . . .
2007-09-01 12:41:00
One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?The second guy says: No, but I?ve woken up with plentyA policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession.Prostitute: I?m a social engineer.Policeman: What do u do?Prostitute: I build & destroy erectionsWhats the difference between a computer and a woman?A computer doesn?t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheeps: ?205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210?.?When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it?s like buying a book for someone else to read. The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.A French and a Brit gynecologist were chatting.French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon.Brit: That?s a lie, she wouldn?t be able to walk if it was.French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.Whisper: If ...
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WHERE AM I? ? ?
2007-08-31 12:36:00
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it."I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 4
2007-08-30 12:18:00
You can play with toys all your lifeYour belly usually hides your big hips.One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.No wonder men are happier!
More About: People , Happier

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 3
2007-08-29 12:16:00
You can open all your own jars.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is $8.95 for three-packThree pairs of shoes are more than enough.You almost never have strap problems in public.You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.Everything on your face stays its original colorThe same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck.
More About: People , Happier

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 2
2007-08-28 12:14:00
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.Wrinkles add character.Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expectedNew shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.One mood - all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about tanks.A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
More About: Happier

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 1
2007-08-27 12:10:00
Your last name stays put.The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves.Chocolate is just another snack.You can never be pregnant.You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.Car mechanics tells you the truth.The world is your urinal.You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
More About: People , Happier

Different Women . . .
2007-08-26 12:08:00
WHITE WOMENFirst date: You get to kiss her good night.Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.IRISH WOMENFirst Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.ITALIAN WOMENFirst Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 karatring.5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.JEWISH WOMENFirst Date: You get dynamite head.Second Date: You get more great head.Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.INDIAN WOMENFirst date: Meet her parents.Second date: Set the date of the wedding.Third date: Wedding night.BLACK WOMENFirst Date: You get to buy h...
More About: Women , Diff

Rooster Chucky ! ! !
2007-08-25 11:47:00
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.""I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie."Marge", whispered Mildred."What", said Marge."I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred."What makes you think that", asked Marge."He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred."Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all.""I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
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Dark in here ! ! !
2007-08-24 11:41:00
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.The boy now has company.Boy: "Dark in here."Man: "Yes it is."Boy: "I have a baseball."Man: "That's nice."Boy: "Want to buy it?"Man: "No, thanks."Boy: "My dad's outside."Man: "OK, how much?"Boy: "$250."In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.Boy: "Dark in here."Man: "Yes, it is."Boy: "I have a baseball glove."Man: "That's nice."Boy: "Want to buy it?"Man: "No, thanks."Boy: "Ill tell."Man: "How much?"Boy: "$750."Man: "Fine."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"The son says, "$1,000."The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than...

Busted Rear Axle. . .
2007-08-23 11:33:00
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his 4X4 over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the vehicle Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pants leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because ...
More About: Busted , Rear

Guaranteed weight loss...
2007-08-22 13:10:00
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, Huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing ha...
More About: Weight Loss , Weight , Loss , Weigh

Sapnish Delicacy . . .
2007-08-21 13:00:00
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said..."Thes...
More About: Nish

Thought of the baby . . .
2007-08-20 12:30:00
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby."Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
More About: Baby , Thought

They weren't fooling ! ! !
2007-08-19 12:20:00
Little johny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took johny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.After the first day, little johny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little johny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little johny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it ...

Good . . Bad . . Ugly. .
2007-08-18 12:05:00
Good: You're pregnant.Bad: It's triplets.Ugly : Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.Good: Your husband is not talking to you.Bad: He wants a divorce.Ugly: He's a lawyer.Good: Your son is finally maturing.Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.Ugly: So are you.Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.Ugly: You're in them.Good: Your husband understands fashion.Bad: He's a cross-dresser.Ugly: He looks better than you.Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.Bad: She keeps interrupting.Ugly: With corrections.Good: Your daughter got a new job.Bad: As a hooker.Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
More About: Good

Should I tell her ? ? ?
2007-08-17 11:52:00
One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"

Treatment . . .
2007-08-16 09:21:00
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
More About: Treatment

Home Leave ! ! !
2007-08-15 09:14:00
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.One man he passed sported an enormous erection."Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.""Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied.A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man."Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.A few months later, same guy, same problem.The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?""Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replies."Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
More About: Home , Leave

First Female ? ? ?
2007-08-14 09:09:00
A forester is very much bored with his job in the forest mountains. He is bored because he hasn't had sex for many years. He decides to go down to the valley to look for females. Before going down, he promises himself to have sex with the first female he should meet on the way. He then embarks on his journey and in a short time happens upon a female horse.He just can't control his urge for sex, so he says to himself , "I'll fuck this horse because I just can't wait anymore."He chases and chases and chases the horse but cannot catch it. While chasing, he hears a voice crying for help. He immediately runs to the source of the voice, where he sees a man trying to rape a woman. He hurries to help her and is successful.In return for his heroic behavior, the woman says, "For saving me from that sex maniac, name your price, and I'll pay it. Anything. I mean, anything."The man replies, "Really? Are you sure? Anything?"When the woman says yes, he excitedly says, "Come on, help me chase ...
More About: Female

A horse and A Chicken . . .
2007-08-13 09:04:00
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story:If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
More About: Chicken , Horse