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The Rules Of Bedroom Golf - 3
2007-08-12 08:56:00
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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The Rules of Bedroom Golf - 2
2007-08-11 08:42:00
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private co...
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The Rules of Bedroom Golf - 1
2007-08-10 08:38:00
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
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Survivor ? ? ?
2007-08-09 08:34:00
At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team."Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!"The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

Sex with a Ghost ! ! ! !
2007-08-08 08:30:00
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"About 90 students raise their hands."Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"About 40 students raise their hands."That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"Fifteen students raise their hands."That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"Three students raise their hands."That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."The redn...
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The Priest !!!!!
2007-08-07 07:58:00
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourse...

Something Bad . . . . .
2007-08-06 07:50:00
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp."Wow," said the bartender. "Some thing bad musta happened.""I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ?Pack your bag's and get out!? I told her.""What about your friend?" asked the bartender."I looked him straight in the eye and said, ?Bad dog!?"

Give me excuse !!!!
2007-08-05 07:48:00
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him."There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.""Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Definitely ? ? ?
2007-08-04 11:29:00
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely.""Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

Beer Troubleshooting 2 . . .
2007-08-03 11:26:00
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.FAULT: You are being carried out.ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.FAULT: Bar has closed.ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.ACTION: Cover mouth.SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.FAULT: You are dancing on the table.ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.ACTION: Punch him.SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.FAULT: You have been in a fight.ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.ACTION: See if they have free beer.SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.FAULT: The beer is too weak.ACTION: Have more beer until your voic...
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Beer Troubleshooting 1. . .
2007-08-02 11:23:00
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.FAULT: Improper bladder control.ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.FAULT: Glass empty.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.FAULT: You have fallen over backward.ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.FAULT: You have fallen forward.ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving.FAULT: You are being carried out.ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
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Hands on shoulders . . .
2007-08-01 11:17:00
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.Suddenly the man screams in disgust."What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?""No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BO...
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Loading the Gun ? ? ?
2007-07-31 11:33:00
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his d...
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Mas...tur...ba...tion...
2007-07-30 11:28:00
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable."Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?""After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.""Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day""Does anyone know another word.""I do! I do!" replied Johnny.Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead."OK Mike, what is your word.""Saturday." says Mike."Great, that has three syllables..."Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful.""No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two ...

$100 Dollar Bill . . .
2007-07-29 09:50:00
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
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Gorilla ! ! !
2007-07-28 11:12:00
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drov...
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Dead Cow ! ! !
2007-07-27 09:04:00
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid ...
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Pierre the Fighter Pilot . . .
2007-07-26 08:52:00
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips."What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie."I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts."Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie."I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He t...
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Chinese Torture ? ? ?
2007-07-25 08:44:00
A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throw...
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Genie In A Bottle ?
2007-07-24 10:11:00
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied."No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the la...
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Effects De Viagra . . .
2007-07-23 09:56:00
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra ?"The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed."Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head."How did it go?" the doctor asked."Terribly, doctor, terribly.""Did it not work?""Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the ...
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Packs of Condom ! ! !
2007-07-22 09:24:00
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.""Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?""Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.""WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....
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What ya gonna do ? ? ?
2007-07-21 12:54:00
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
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Pink Dildo . . . .
2007-07-20 12:41:00
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"The clerk responds, "Yes we do"."Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
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Bic Lighter ! ! ! !
2007-07-19 12:11:00
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?""A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.""Great, can I try it?""Sure."First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."The guy says, "I want a million bucks!""Done" says the genie and disappears.A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door."I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
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Wrestling with balls . .
2007-07-18 10:45:00
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The R...
More About: Wrestling , Balls

Breeding Sheeps ? ? ?
2007-07-17 10:39:00
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.He drives them out to the woods,...
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Everyone is . . .
2007-07-16 11:39:00
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't wa...

Two Parrots ! ! ! ! !
2007-07-15 11:33:00
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.""What do they say?" the priest inquires."They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'""That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.""Thank you!" the woman responds.The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Pu...

My dad has 2 of them ! ! ! !
2007-07-13 20:43:00
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."