Funny, Naughty, Clean and Blonde Jokes

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Do you know Turner Brown ? ? ? ? ?
2007-07-12 20:36:00
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown ."The small guy faints!The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"The big guy looks down and says "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

Halloween Party . . . . . .
2007-07-12 20:28:00
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party . She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just ar...
More About: Lowe , Ween , Allo

Divert your course or should I ? ? ? ?
2007-07-11 20:20:00
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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Quick Blowjob !!!!!!!!
2007-07-10 20:15:00
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?""What? You're crazy!""Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem.""No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor...""At this time of the night? No one will show up...""I've already said No, and NO!""Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too...""No! I've said NO!""My love... Don't be like that..."At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
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Dam(n) Fish . . . . .
2007-07-09 09:36:00
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those fucking potatoes!"
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What I am thinking....
2007-07-08 08:53:00
Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly thereis a kissing sound and then a slap!The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which isred from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.Sonia is thinking:These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.Aishwarya is thinking:Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.Bush is thinking:Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me...........Manmohan is thinking:If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again!!!Sent by dear friend,Nikhil Pagdhare
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Really Funny Job Application . . . .
2007-07-07 08:36:00
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!NAME: Greg BulmashSEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.SALARY: Less than I'm worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR C...
More About: Funny , Application , Really , Ally

Sniffing Blind Man ! ! ! ! ! !
2007-07-06 08:34:00
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu."I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath."Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again."Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.""I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to th...
More About: Blind , Sniff , Blind Man

Oranges . . . . . . . . .
2007-07-05 08:28:00
A young teen aged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some."Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's qu...
More About: Range , Oranges

Trip Down Memory Lane . . . . . . . . . . .
2007-07-04 08:52:00
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.""Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin."Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the ma...
More About: Memory , Lane , Trip

Camel in Desert ! ! ! ! !
2007-07-03 13:01:00
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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Cop on Horseback . . . . . . .
2007-07-02 12:58:00
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"The kid replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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Are You One of Those ?????
2007-07-01 12:40:00
Next time you go to the public toilets you may observe one of the following types of vistors:Excitable Type - Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.Sociable Type - Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.Timid Type - Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.Noisy Type - Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.Indifferent Type - All urinals being occupied, uses sink.Clever Type - Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.Vain Type - Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.Absent-Minded Type - Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants.Worried Type - Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing.Disgruntled Type - Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.Sneaky Type - Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.Sloppy T...

Harry Potter In Bollywood !
2007-06-30 10:52:00
HARIBHAI KA SURROR - THE MOVIE, THE REAL STORY!H COMPANYKABHI HARRY KABHI POTTERKKASAUTTI POTTER KAYVIVAH LA POTTER
More About: Bollywood , Harry Potter , Potter , Harry , Olly

Conversation . . . . . .
2007-06-29 08:33:00
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?MAN: Definitely not!WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?MAN: Of course I do.WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)MAN: (makes audible groan)WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?MAN: Where else would we sleep?WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.WOMAN: - - - silence - - -MAN: Oh Shit.
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Vacation.................
2007-06-28 19:55:00
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?So the next day, they went back to the store & bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs ...
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Healing Service!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-06-27 08:15:00
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
More About: Service , Healing , Ealing , Heal

Difference..........
2007-06-26 08:05:00
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?""Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
More About: Difference , Ferenc , Diff

Stages of Drunkenness....
2007-06-24 11:28:00
Stages of Drunkenness0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of lo...
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You've got Blonde
2007-06-23 08:34:00
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ?Is something wrong??To which she replied, ?There certainly is!?My stupid computer keeps saying, ?You?ve got mail!?
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Bus Driver's Parents
2007-06-22 19:49:00
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
More About: Parents , Parent , Pare

Please Do this Interesting...
2007-06-21 06:04:00
?? ?????? ???? ???. ...??????? ? ?????. ...??? ??????? ???????? ?????? ???. ...??????? ? ??? ???. ...????? ?????? ??? ??????? ????... .... ........................... . . . . ......................................... . ? ? ? ? ? ?.??? ??? ???? ??????? ????? ???? ????!!!! Phurrrrrrrrrrrrr???
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Cowboy Boots .......
2007-06-20 15:19:00
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day,he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks,a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down againtomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
More About: Cowboy , Boots , Boot

Jaane bhi do yaaro!!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-06-19 16:46:00
One of the most hilarious comic scene in the history of Indian cinema...Enjoy it....

Future Vision - India in 2020?
2007-06-17 11:20:00
Future Vision - India in 2020Bangalore Flyovers in 2020Calcutta in 2020Mysore in 2020Mumbai in 2020Delhi Metro Rail in 2020Stop Dreaming, Welcome to reality
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Monkey and Cue Ball.........
2007-06-16 15:05:00
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"The guy says "No, what?""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, stick...
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Use Condom........
2007-06-15 11:21:00
Two very senior ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.Maude: What in the heck is that?Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.Maude: Where did you get it?Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers."Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."The pharmacist fainted.
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Boarding the Train. . .
2007-06-14 11:19:00
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding th...
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Tickle Me Elmo...........
2007-06-13 11:16:00
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tick le Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,wraps it around two m...

Fuckin Chocolate!!!!!!!!!
2007-06-12 11:13:00
A man went to the store and asked the female cashier behind the counter, "Do you have any chocolate ice cream?" The cashier replies, "No we are out of chocolate ice cream."So the man asks, "Can I get a gallon of chocolate ice cream?" The cashier says, "No! we are out of chocolate ice cream."The man asks, 'Can I get a half gallon of chocolate ice cream." The cashier, getting frustrated, says "No! we are out of it."The man asks, "Can I get a pint of chocolate ice cream?"So the cashier says, "Sir, can you spell the van in vanilla?"He says, "Yes! V-a-n."The cashier says, "Can you spell the straw in strawberry?"He says, "Yes, S-t-r-a-w."The cashier says, "Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?" The man thinks and says, "Hey! there is no fuck in chocolate!"The cashier says, "Right! That's what I been trying to tell you! There is no fuckin chocolate!"
More About: Chocolate , Chocolat , Choco