Funny, Naughty, Clean and Blonde Jokes

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Mum's Legs
2007-12-15 08:07:00
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.""So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!""Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the ai...
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Final Exam
2007-12-14 08:05:00
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Observations
2007-12-13 08:04:00
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
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Three Daughters
2007-12-12 07:58:00
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."Then the mother said to the secon...
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Feelgood
2007-12-11 07:50:00
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful....

The Frog
2007-12-10 07:46:00
A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs.The sign said: "Sex Frog s! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.Then she followed the instructions to the letter:1. Take a shower.2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom o...

Snow. . .
2007-12-09 08:10:00
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a this black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?""I can't tell you" the man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?""I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the man."There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says."Fine, my name is Snow !" the replies.And the lady bursts into laughter, the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

Nun On The Bus...
2007-12-08 08:07:00
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.The only problem is that she is a nun.He decides to approach her anyway."Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you."he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God."she replies and then leaves.Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.Af...

How to Make - 1
2007-12-07 08:05:00
It's really not difficult...To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :1. a friend2. a companion3. a lover4. a brother5. a father6. a master7. a chef8. an electrician9. a carpenter10. a plumber11. a mechanic12. a decorator13. a stylist17. a psychologist18. a pest exterminator19. a psychiatrist20. a healer20. a good listener22. an organizer23. A good father24. Very clean25. Sympathetic26. Athletic26. Warm27. Attentive28. Gallant29. Intelligent30. Funny31. Creative32. Tender33. Strong34. Understanding35. Tolerant36. Prudent37. Ambitious38. Capable39. Courageous40. Determined41. True42. Dependable43. PassionateWITHOUT FORGETTING TO:44. Give her compliments regularly45. Love shopping46. Be honest47. Be very rich48. Not stress her out49. Not look at other girlsAND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goesIT IS VERY IMPO...
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How to Make - 2
2007-12-06 08:00:00
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:Provide him with1. Good food;2. Sex
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Tired Dog ? ?
2007-12-05 08:43:00
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.He followed me into the house,down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar : "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- He's trying to catch up on his sleep."Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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Honesty ! ! !
2007-12-04 08:41:00
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.""Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attract...
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Daytime Affair . . .
2007-12-03 08:38:00
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway."Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!""I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!""If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer."Do you always run in the nude?" ...
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Really Great Lover ! !
2007-12-02 08:35:00
A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three things that she's looking for in a husband:1. She wants a man who won't beat her.2. She wants a man that won't leave her.3. She wants a really great lover.A few days later the doorbell rings. The woman opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch. She says, "How may I help you?"He replies that he is there to answer her ad in the paper.She says, "Oh, but I am looking for a man that won't beat me."He replies, "I have no arms. How can I beat you?"She says, "Ok, but I want someone who won't leave me."And he replies, "I have no legs and if you take away my wheelchair I can't even move. How could I leave you?She nods her head and says, "Well, what I really want is a great lover."The man looks at her and says, "Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell???"
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The Difference. . .
2007-12-01 08:32:00
This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said, "What was that for?"The old lady said, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of her chair. She got up and said, "What was that for?"The old man said, "That's for knowing the difference."
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University Sweatshirts
2007-11-30 09:20:00
A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H". The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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Mid-life Crises
2007-11-29 09:18:00
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey - 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10" black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a HOT 25 years old blonde! Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10" black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.
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They're Finally Together
2007-11-28 09:15:00
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.She finally died after having 25 children.Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?The friend replied, "I think he means... her legs."
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Small Breast ? ? ?
2007-11-27 09:12:00
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts."How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
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Cut Off Your Dick ! !
2007-11-26 09:07:00
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?"The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."
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Black Condom
2007-11-25 09:03:00
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to each other and, after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.Their first night there, she undresses, as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?' She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'He knows he's not getting lucky that night.The following night the same scenario -- her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.She looks at him and asks: 'What's w...
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Sleeping with Patients. . .
2007-11-24 08:58:00
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave? Dave? Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."
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Blonde Painting the House.............
2007-11-23 05:14:00
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....FOR BEST RESULTS,...
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Couple in Bed !!!!!!!!!
2007-11-22 11:41:00
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.HE GOT THE JOB!!!
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Lifting Hat . . .
2007-11-21 10:58:00
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks "if you were any sort of a gentleman - you would lift your hat to a lady"......He replied "if you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself"!
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Sex Position ! ! !
2007-11-20 10:55:00
Several cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.After listening to the pros and cons of the various ones brought up, one of the cowboys finally says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.""I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says another."Neither have I," says a third. "What is it?""Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'. Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."
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Addicted to Internet
2007-11-19 12:17:00
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn. . .- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Love Cake . . .
2007-11-18 12:12:00
Recipe to make Love Cake .Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes4 Well-shaped legs4 Loving arms2 Firm milk containers2 Nuts1 soft, warm mixing bowl1 Firm bananaDirections:1. Look into laughing eyes.2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps number 3-5 or change mixing bowls.Notes:1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.3. If cake rises, leave town.

As Soft. . . As Hard
2007-11-17 12:04:00
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."She replies, "If your WEENIE is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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I said " No F**** "
2007-11-16 11:57:00
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Homer) washes up on the shore. Homer and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see Homer there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."Homer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Homer yells down: "Hey, no fucking!" The couple looks at each other and yells back: "We're not fucking!"A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Homer yells down: "Heeey, no fucking!"Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!"Later they are puttin...