U Suxxors.com U Suxxors.com USuxxors - Analysis of the Craziness Going On In the World Today Articles
Christmas, Drunk Dogs In Miami, And Ike Turner?s Ghost
2007-12-21 20:59:00 I am hella behind on my work schedule today so I can’t promise much beyond this horribly unfunny update that I’m really only posting because Christmas is coming up in a few days and updates will be very, very sporadic until after Tuesday. Blame Santa Claus. Besides, nothing is happening in the world today. ... More About: Dogs , Ghost , Miami , Celebrities
Jack - Faith Or Knowledge?
2007-12-20 16:51:00 Marie asks: - What is more important in life: faith or knowledge? — Jack replies: - Knowledge . If I have the knowledge of how to make a taco pie, I’m going to be much more successful in having one in front of me at some point than I am if I wait around with faith in ... More About: Faith
Jack - Answers A Difficult Question About World Hunger
2007-12-20 16:41:00 Tuna asks - What is the secret to ending world hunger? Jack Replies - More food. Duh. Share This More About: World , Question , Hunger , Answers
Jack - Should Jamie Lynn Spears Be Kept On The Air?
2007-12-20 16:30:00 I did not have a fun night last night. I wake up this morning and not only do I turn on MSNBC only to be greeted by a morality in the media guy talking about the effects of Jamie Lynn Spears ’ pregnancy, but I get to hear another story about a kid (17 years ... More About: Jack , Jamie Lynn Spears
OMG Jamie Spears Is Pregnant What Really Golly Gee!
2007-12-19 19:34:00 MSNBC is off today because they’re running this horribly annoying suicide bomber commercial targeted to kids that they’re so shocked and appalled by that they can’t help but run it seemingly every 10 minutes. That, and if I hear about Jamie Lynn Spears being pregnant one more time I’m going back to bed. ... More About: Britney Spears , Pregnant , Celebrities , Lynne Spears
A Tip For Staying Safe This Holiday Season
2007-12-19 18:15:00 Hello, I’m Contessa Brewer. It’s a little known fact that walking off of a cliff from a great height can kill you. A recent and growing epidemic, dangerous cliffs have been emerging from nowhere at a startling rate this year. More than 95% of people who fall off of cliffs higher than ... More About: Humor , Holiday , Season , Safe , Skewed
Amy Winehouse Arrested, Released
2007-12-18 23:25:00 Amy Winehouse has been arrested for possibly perverting the course of justice. Honestly, I stopped listening right there when I heard about this because if there’s three words I don’t want to see in the same sentence it’s Amy, Winehouse, and perverting. Yesterday I had read somewhere or other that she was being ... More About: Arrested , Celebrities , Amy Winehouse , Released
Phone Calls, Lumps Of Something, And Breaking News
2007-12-18 22:41:00 I hate when I’m working, and someone calls me and I’m on the phone for an hour. It kills my mood to work. It makes me sleepier and lazier than I already am. It grinds all of my functioning intellectual processes to a halt, leaving me a lump of something. That ... More About: News , Rants , Phone , Breaking News , Calls
They Must?ve Known We?re Covering The Golden Globes
2007-12-18 19:42:00 In a move that I can only assume is meant to make my live blogging coverage on January 13th of the Golden Globes that much more excruciating, the WGA has denied requests to allow writers to script any sort of prepared material for the Globes as well as the Oscars on February 24th. Jon ... More About: Movies , Erin
Survivor Denise Lies About Job, Gets Offered $50,000
2007-12-18 19:23:00 My office desk has … pink stuff all over it this morning. For awhile as many of you know, I was following Survivor and cheering on James to the million dollars. One week, I forgot to watch for some reason, I think because Thanksgiving screwed up my schedule. James was eliminated that week and ... More About: Scandals , Mark Burnett , Lies , Denise
Breaking News - Pamela Anderson And Rick Salomon Are Back Together
2007-12-17 22:51:00 According to TMZ, Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon have reconciled after news broke that they were getting a divorce just hours ago. What did I tell you? I bet she went immediately to her nearest Victoria Secret store after reading my previous article. See Jack? I take over USuxxors.com for a few hours ... More About: News , Breaking News , Celebrities
Pamela Anderson And Rick Salomon Split In A Shocker
2007-12-17 20:58:00 YAY! I have full run of USuxxors now with Jack out of action. I don’t know why he doesn’t think I can run this blog myself. It’s mostly about celebrities after all, and no one knows celebrities like me! There’s breaking news now that Pamela Anderson is splitting from her husband ... More About: Rick , Celebrities
Mummified Michael Jackson Spotted At Bookstore
2007-12-17 20:25:00 You know how I feel about doing stories covering so and so walking around doing absolutely nothing, but this morning there’s images floating around of what appears to be Michael Jackson walking around in a bookstore with an upside down nose and a face covered with little post it notes. TMZ is calling them ... More About: Celebrities , Bookstore
Nicole Kidman Wrapped In Tin Foil
2007-12-17 18:55:00 I’m not going to be like my favorite gal pals (call me!) at Go Fug Yourself and compare Nicole Kidman to the tin man because of the super shiny silver outfit she wore at the premier for the Golden Compass. Instead, I’m more reminded of a baked potato wrapped in tin foil. Not ... More About: Celebrities , Wrapped , Wrap
Ted Danson Perfect Fit For Gay Role - Says Wife
2007-12-17 18:15:00 You know, it’s probably a bad thing when your wife suggests you audition for the role of a gay character in a movie because she believes you’re “perfect for the part” but what do I know. Ted Danson ’s wife Mary Steenburgen turned down a role in some movie called The Amateurs but told producers ... More About: Wife , Celebrities , Perfect , Role
Morning Jack
2007-12-17 17:06:00 After working nearly seven hours last night straight, getting up maybe once from my office chair the entire time, all I have to say is if you’re expecting some sort of quality or some such from this blog today you’re likely to be disappointed. It’s probable that Gal Val is getting put in charge ... More About: Rants , Golden Globes , Morning , Jack
EXCLUSIVE - Photos Of Roger Clemens Reacting To The Mitchell Report
2007-12-14 20:00:00 Poking around, I haven’t seen any word of a reaction yet from any specific player who’s name appears in the dreaded Mitchell Report (dum dum dummmm) which I guess makes the following an exclusive. We’ve got never before seen images of Roger Clemens, probably the biggest name outed in the report besides Barry Bonds, ... More About: Exclusive , Photos , Baseball , Scandals
Happiness And Anti-Heros
2007-12-14 18:26:00 So Gal Val is currently huddled in the corner, making paper dolls from outfits cut out of some fashion magazine, rocking back and forth while mumbling to herself about gold Vs silver accessories. I think she’s broken. Heh. I’m a happy man today. You want to know how happy I am? That’s how happy ... More About: Humor , Rants , Happiness , Heros , Anti
David Gest Dresses Up As Liza Minelli - Rivers Bleed and Mountains Cry
2007-12-14 17:43:00 I was wrong, Jack is an ass. Now he’s making me cover the most horrible thing I may have ever witnessed in all my time as a fashion reporter. David Gest, Liza Minelli’s ex-husband, appeared in a play called “The Twisted Carol” and twisted is the only word I can use to describe ... More About: Dresses , Mountains , Celebrity Fashion , Rivers
Bai Ling Keeps Her Nipples Under Wraps While Visiting Santa
2007-12-14 17:17:00 So Jack is making me go to the Golden Globes and he probably is just being his usual self but I’m TOTALLY excited. I’m already packed and I’m really hoping to get on the red carpet in like a Joan Rivers role because I can sooo outshine her. My face moves and everything. But ... More About: Christmas , Bai Ling , Santa , Nipples , Wrap
Contessa Brewer Might?ve Just Said Testicle Instead of Statistical
2007-12-13 18:40:00 You know, I hate to be unprofessional and dip off subject while making a post, especially a post concerning a major announcement like the previous one, but I felt it needed to be done just to express the shock of the moment. I’m sitting here, innocently typing about the next big step in U ... More About: Humor , Contessa Brewer
Huge Golden Globes Announcement
2007-12-13 18:14:00 Today’s big story is the Golden Globes that may or may not even happen due to the ongoing Writers Strike. The nominees were announced and some movie I’ve never heard of that I think is a foreign flick is up for a bunch of awards. I’m pretty sure the … … I swear ... More About: Paparazzi , Celebrities , Announcement , Huge
Amusing Note This Morning
2007-12-13 15:50:00 Checked some stats this morning and noted that some people have recently found my site by searching for RED ASSES. In fact, I am currently number five on Google for the term RED ASSES. Thank you Britney Spears . Share This More About: Humor , Note , Morning , Amusing
Jessica Alba Is Pregnant! With A Baby! We Have Pictures!
2007-12-12 19:38:00 The report coming out of all the blogs and TMZ and MSNBC and CNN and Fox and Bloomberg and my local news channel and my news paper and the town crier this morning is that Jessica Alba is pregnant. It’s shocking, because it’s her first I guess. Everyone needs to keep quiet about ... More About: Pictures , Baby , Pregnant , Celebrities
The More You Know - Now With MSNBC News Reporters!
2007-12-12 18:44:00 I hardly ever watch NBC these days, but I remember when they used to run these commercials called The More You Know that featured actors from NBC shows, usually comedies like Will and Grace or some such. They were PSAs about how drunk driving might be a bad idea or taking drugs could potentially ... More About: News , Reporters , MSNBC
Jack B ? Um Sorry Keifer Sutherland Getting Fan Mail In Prison
2007-12-12 17:44:00 This morning starts off with Contessa Brewer on my TV, which is actually a step up from Britney Spears rash covered ass I think. Especially when I mute my television and SILENCE her! Ha HA! In case you haven’t heard, Keifer Sutherland is in jail for 40 days for drinking and driving. The ... More About: Mail , Celebrities , Jack Bauer , Jack , Prison
Jessica Simpson Attacked By a Giant Spider
2007-12-11 23:05:00 Nope. This is my blog and I’m going to entertain myself with it. You know why TMZ is so loved yet so hated by people? It’s because they break celebrity news, but when celebrities aren’t doing anything they’re forced to delve into the mediocre. The fact is, celebrities are boring — ... More About: Jessica Simpson , Simpson , Celebrities , Giant , Spider
I?d Rather Not Wake Up To Britney Spears? Ass First Thing In The Morning
2007-12-11 17:25:00 Terror is waking up, sitting at the computer, opening your rss reader and being greeted to the day with pictures of Britney Spears ’ rash covered red ass. They’re on the usual celebrity blogs if you’re into, well, rash covered looking red asses. Personally, I’ve lost all appetite for scrambled eggs, biscuits, cereal, or ... More About: Celebrities , Wake , Morning
Fergie In a Short Red Dress Fails To Set World On Fire
2007-12-11 16:31:00 I came in to do work today and Jack is still laying in bed muttering something about Kelly Clarkson. He better have worked last night, lazy ass. And his sheets don’t match his pillow case. Pisses me off. FERGIE! Normally doesn’t make me dance around rainbows or anything like that. I ... More About: Fergie , World , Dress , Fire , Short
MSNBC - You Cannot Make This Up
More articles from this author:2007-12-10 21:38:00 So I’m sitting here finishing up the previous story and as I’m doing so, Norah O’Donnell is on MSNBC talking about a story where a woman was arrested for disorderly conduct after cussing out her toilet. I was half paying attention, I don’t know the details. All I know is when they cut ... More About: Humor , Make , Contessa Brewer , Anno 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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