Directory — Humor — Blog Details for "Funny Jokes and Amusing Stories"

Funny Jokes and Amusing Stories

Funny Jokes and Amusing Stories
A collection of funny jokes and amusing stories of everyday life, where you can find English jokes, Tagalog jokes, funny pictures and animation and other funny stuffs.

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Articles

Woman's Life Cycle
2008-01-08 00:36:00
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
More About: Life , Cycle

Things we know because of TV
2008-01-04 23:56:00
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick?s Day parade...at any time of the year.- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a pretty nurse cleans his wounds.- When paying for a taxi, never look at your money. Just pull out a bill or two and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.- If a killer is lurking in your house, it?s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath even if it?s the middle o...
More About: Things

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
2008-01-02 23:49:00
...and what they actually mean.10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means) 1. Let's be friends. (I wan...
More About: Women , Lines , Rejection

Erap Jokes: Motto
2008-01-01 11:46:00
For the Army : "No pain, no gain."For the Air Force : "No guts, no glory."For the Marines : "No fight, no surrender."For the Abu Sayaf's : "No ransom, no release."For Erap : "No read, no write."
More About: Jokes , Motto

Bar Joke: Your Mama
2007-12-31 11:56:00
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!" :drinking:
More About: Joke , Mama

Men's Dictionary
2007-12-28 16:23:00
1. I am hungry = I am hungry2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy3. I am tired = I am tired4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!5. I love you = Let?s have sex now6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?7. May I have this dance? = I?d like to have sex with you8. Can I call you sometime? = I?d like to have sex with you9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I?d like to have sex with you10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I?d like to have sex with you11. I don?t think those shoes go with that outfit = I?m gay
More About: Dictionary

Women's Dictionary
2007-12-28 16:21:00
1. Yes = No2. No = Yes3. Maybe = No4. We need = I want5. I am sorry = you?ll be sorry6. We need to talk = You?re in trouble7. Sure, go ahead = You better not8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!10. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
More About: Dictionary

Relationship Joke: Get Weighed
2007-12-27 14:57:00
John took his blind date to a carnival."What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next."I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."
More About: Joke , Relationship , Weigh

Nationality Joke: Canadian Tourist
2007-12-26 10:54:00
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City and enters a large brothel. It?s only his second time in Oklahoma. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady over to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn?t done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two smacks him ...
More About: Joke , Tourist

Bar Joke: David Jones
2007-12-25 23:55:00
(David Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store)This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shirt mate?"The man replies, "David Jones."This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and thebartender says "Where´d you get the great pants mate?"The man replies, " David Jones."This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shoes and socks mate?"The man replies, "David Jones."Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell do you think you are, mate?"The naked guy sneers and says, "Who the hell do you think? - I´m David Jones!"
More About: Joke

Animal Joke: The Snake and The Rabbit
2007-12-25 13:16:00
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, ...
More About: Animal , Joke , Snake

Animal Joke: The Chicken and the Road
2007-12-24 03:54:00
Why did the chicken cross the road?:CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA: In my day, we didn?t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I?ve not been told!MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chic...
More About: Animal , Joke , Chicken , Road , The Road

Drunk Joke: In a Bar
2007-12-23 09:36:00
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,- "Hey you look just like me!"The other man agrees and asks,- "Where are you from?"The first guy answers,- "Chicago."- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What?s your address?"- "951"- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents? names?"- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we?re related!?"Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new."No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
More About: Joke , Drunk

Medical Joke: Mixed Up Test Results
2007-12-23 06:11:00
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor?s office to collect his wife?s test results.Receptionist: "I?m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples fromanother Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife?s. Frankly, that?s either bad or terrible."Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other was positive for AIDS. We can?t tell which is your wife."Mr. Smith: "That?s terrible! Can we do the test over?"Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won?t pay for these expensive tests more than once."Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop yourwife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don?t sleep with her."
More About: Medical , Joke , Results , Test , Mixed

Profession Joke: The Engineer and the Programmer
2007-12-22 15:52:00
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!" This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer do...
More About: Joke , Profession , Programmer , Engineer , Fess

Pinoy Joke: Isang Tanong, Isang Sagot
2007-12-22 00:57:00
1) Keyboard ka ba? Type kita e.2) Ice ka ba? Crush kita, okay lang?3) Para kang SM, you've got it all!4) Para kang plema! Di ka kasi maalis sa dibdib ko!5) May MMDA ba rito? Kasi nagkabanggaan puso natin!6) Pwede ba kita maging sidecar? Single kasi ako eh?7) Uy malala na yung sakit ko sa puso, dalawa na lang options ko para gumaling, either ICU or U C me!8 ) Are you a PS game? Because i hope you're not TEKKEN!9) Alien ka ba? Kasi you're out of this world!10) Yosi vendor ka ba? Kasi you give me HOPE and MORE!
More About: Joke , Pinoy , Anon

More articles from this author:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7