Funny Jokes and Amusing Stories

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Pinoy Joke: Isang Tanong, Isang Sagot
2007-12-22 00:57:00
1) Keyboard ka ba? Type kita e.2) Ice ka ba? Crush kita, okay lang?3) Para kang SM, you've got it all!4) Para kang plema! Di ka kasi maalis sa dibdib ko!5) May MMDA ba rito? Kasi nagkabanggaan puso natin!6) Pwede ba kita maging sidecar? Single kasi ako eh?7) Uy malala na yung sakit ko sa puso, dalawa na lang options ko para gumaling, either ICU or U C me!8 ) Are you a PS game? Because i hope you're not TEKKEN!9) Alien ka ba? Kasi you're out of this world!10) Yosi vendor ka ba? Kasi you give me HOPE and MORE!
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Random Joke: Ferrari Formula One Team
2007-12-21 10:15:00
The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young hoodlums. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how some young street punks could take off a cars tires within 6 seconds, without the proper equipment.Ferrari soon realised their flaw.The young men did not only change the tires in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the MacClaren team!
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Random Joke: Ferrari Formula One Team
2007-12-21 10:15:00
The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young hoodlums. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how some young street punks could take off a cars tires within 6 seconds, without the proper equipment.Ferrari soon realised their flaw.The young men did not only change the tires in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the MacClaren team!
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Marriage Joke: Sad Man
2007-12-20 13:34:00
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"
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Marriage Joke: Sad Man
2007-12-20 13:34:00
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"
More About: Marriage , Joke

Medical Joke: No Milk
2007-12-20 09:21:00
A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office.She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?""Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman."Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!"The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don’t.""I’m his aunt - but I’m SURE GLAD I brought him in!"
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Medical Joke: No Milk
2007-12-20 09:21:00
A woman and a baby come into the doctor?s office.She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?""Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman."Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don?t have any milk!"The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don?t.""I?m his aunt - but I?m SURE GLAD I brought him in!"
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Random Joke: Cowboy and His Horse
2007-12-20 05:26:00
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with Clint. The ...
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Random Joke: Cowboy and His Horse
2007-12-20 05:26:00
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with Clint. The ...
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Sex Joke: Slippers
2007-12-20 00:02:00
A man was at his wealthy friends house when his friend asked him to go upstairs and get his slippers. The man agreed, and proceeded upstairs where he saw his friends two gorgeous 18 and 19 year old daughters having a pillow fight. The man told the two girls that their father had sent him upstairs to have sex with them. The girls replied that their father would never say such a thing. The man assured them that it was true, and to prove it he yelled down to their father "Both of Them?"
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Sex Joke: Slippers
2007-12-20 00:02:00
A man was at his wealthy friends house when his friend asked him to go upstairs and get his slippers. The man agreed, and proceeded upstairs where he saw his friends two gorgeous 18 and 19 year old daughters having a pillow fight. The man told the two girls that their father had sent him upstairs to have sex with them. The girls replied that their father would never say such a thing. The man assured them that it was true, and to prove it he yelled down to their father "Both of Them?"
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Blonde Joke: State Capitals
2007-12-19 16:17:00
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she?d hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all of the state capitals.Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,- "I?ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals!"One of the guys said,- "I don?t believe you."She said,- "It?s true. Just test me!"- "Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he ssked.- "A" she answered, smugly.
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Family Joke: Indian Names
2007-12-19 12:04:00
An Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we the people of the prairies always have long names, while the white men have shorter names, like Bill, Tex, Sam, or LeeLee ?"His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture--not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything-- we survive."For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake."Then there's your big brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people."It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Brok...
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Work Joke: Meeting Rules for Managers
2007-12-19 05:24:00
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
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Computer Joke: Mouse Problems
2007-12-18 23:53:00
Secretary: "Pastor, we?ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mouse."Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we?ve got mice in there!?)Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls."Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the world did they do that???"Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something."Pastor: "We?ve got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn?t even realize mice had balls...!"Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on ?em all the time!"Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals) "Well...what can we do?"Secretary: "I guess we?ll have to put ?em back on..."Pastor: "WHAT?!?"Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing.....?!"
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Sex Joke: Sex Branding
2007-12-18 08:28:00
Sex is... like NOKIA (connecting people) like NIKE (just do it) like PEPSI (ask for more) like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited) and like ME (too good to be true)...
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Politics Joke: The Chicken and the Road
2007-12-18 05:12:00
Why did the chicken cross the road?:CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA: In my day, we didn?t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I?ve not been told!MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chic...
More About: Politics , Joke , Chicken , Road , The Road

Blonde Joke: Turtles and Blondes
2007-12-18 03:53:00
What do blondes and turtles have in common?When they are on their backs they are screwed.
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Marriage Joke: Busted
2007-12-18 00:30:00
A woman is at home alone, when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"She slams the door in disgust.The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina".She slams the door again.Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with this".She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.Sure enough the same fellow is standing there a...
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Pinoy Joke: Pinoy Contractor
2007-12-17 13:05:00
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and the third an American.They go with a White House official to examine the fence.The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does somemeasuring, then works some figures with a pencil."Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 formaterials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit forme."The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to theWhite House official and whispers: "$2,700."The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like theother guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do youexpect me to consider your service with that bid?""Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hirethe guy from Mexico ".The next day, the Pinoy and the Me...
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Religion Joke: The Cab Driver and the Nun
2007-12-17 10:04:00
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cabdriver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question toask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as oldas I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance tosee and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothingyou could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, youhave to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'mCatholic too!"The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nunfulfills his fantasy.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver startscrying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?""Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'mmarried and a I'...
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Lawyer Joke: Murder Trial
2007-12-17 05:24:00
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty."But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have ha...
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Marriage Joke: Everything Happens for a Reason
2007-12-16 23:22:00
Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for itThese last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.Whatever the case is, I am gone.Your EX - HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good...
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Random Joke: Rules of the Road
2007-12-16 14:29:00
- The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.- The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.- The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.- The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.- If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.- The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.- Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.
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Family Joke: Limousine Parking
2007-12-16 01:49:00
There was a little girl in the shower with her mummy. The little girl asked, "Whats that mummy"? The mum replied, "thats a garage never let a limousine park in there. There was a little boy in the shower with his daddy. The boy asked, "Whats that daddy"? He replied, "Thats a limo you can park them in a garage. The next day the little boy and girl were hanging out and the parents ran to the bathroom for hearing a scream and there was blood in the tub and the girl said, "Mummy he tried to park his limo in my garage so i ripped off his wheels."
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Animal Joke: Never Talk to the Parrot
2007-12-15 23:32:00
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
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Pinoy Joke: Ganito Magbigay nng Masamang Balita
2007-12-14 22:41:00
Kumirirng ang telepono nang madaling araw…"Hello Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, yung katiwala nyo sa bakasyunan nyo.""O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala, Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga nyong parrot.""Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? Yung nanalo sa bird show?""Opo Master Carlos, yun na nga po.""Putris…sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay nya?""E kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne…""Bulok na karne? At sino naming salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?""Wala po, nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo.""Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr. Arnaldo?""E, yun pong mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir, namatay po kasi sila lahat sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig.""Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anonng kariton ng tubbbiiiiigggg?""Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog.""Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman yang pinagsasabi mo?"Yun po...
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Random Joke: On The Roof
2007-12-14 15:56:00
Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?". Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died. "What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny. Bobby apologized and went about his day. About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?". There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."
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Amusing Stories: Man Who Had Sex with Bike
2007-12-13 21:44:00
A man named Robert Stewart, who have been caught having sex with his bike, has been placed on the sex offenders? register. He admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.Two cleaners discovered him on the act in his room at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply."They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down."The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."Source: Telegraph.co.uk via The XO Directory
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Man Joke: College of Logic
2007-12-12 23:45:00
Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logi c 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious. The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...Driver: "What does ’College of Logic’ mean?"Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"Driver: "Yes, I do."Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."Driver: "I have a very big house."Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When ...
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