Funny Jokes and Amusing Stories

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Amusing Stories: Bumper Stickers
2007-12-11 23:29:00
- IF YOU CAN?T FEED EM, DON?T BREED EM!- Constipated People Don?t Give A Crap.- If You Can Read This, I?ve Lost My Trailer.- Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.- The Earth Is Full - Go Home.- I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.- So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.- If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?- Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.- Illiterate? Write For Help.- Honk If Anything Falls Off.- Cover Me, I?m Changing Lanes.- He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.- I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.- I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!- (The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...- Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge - Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.- Heart Attacks: God?s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends- How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He i...
More About: Stories , Bumper , Stickers , Amusing , Tick

Computer Joke: The World's Smartest Man?
2007-12-11 11:22:00
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane."I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane."I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.""You don't h...
More About: Joke , Computer , Martes

Sex Joke: The Bull
2007-12-10 12:31:00
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,.... "Darling. Look at THIS!!!" "She rolls over, turns on the...
More About: Joke , Bull

Funny Animation: Bird Hunting
2007-12-09 11:22:00
(Click on the picture to play animation)
More About: Animation , Funny , Bird , Hunting , Imation

Priest Joke: Confession of a Sinner
2007-12-09 07:18:00
There once was a young woman who went to confession.Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."She said, "Last night my neighbor´s husband made passionate love to me seven times."The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."She asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that damn smile off of your face!
More About: Joke , Confession , Fess

Elderly Joke: The Fishing Trip
2007-12-09 06:26:00
A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!""Then you?re not old enough.", said the grandfather.A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "NO!""Well you?re not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn?t win anything, The grandson scratched his off...
More About: Joke , Fishing , Trip , Elderly

Elderly Joke: McDonalds
2007-12-07 23:24:00
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minute...
More About: Joke , Elderly , Mcdonalds

Woman Joke: Tears of Joy
2007-12-07 23:14:00
Daddy: Why are you crying, my dear?Daughter: Because I passed the test. Huhuhu!Daddy: Oh, that must be tears of joy. What subject?Daughter: Pregnancy test!
More About: Joke , Woman

Marriage Joke: Doggie Style
2007-12-07 05:29:00
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" . "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
More About: Marriage , Joke , Style

Celebrity Joke: Dumbest People in Hollywood
2007-12-07 05:28:00
The New York Daily News has released its "50 Dumbest People in Hollywood " list with Lindsay Lohan topping the list.Paris Hilton would have been on the list but she totally messed-up her application.- Alex Kaseberg
More About: Celebrity , Joke , Olly

Relationship Joke: Why Do Men Chase Women
2007-12-06 12:38:00
Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
More About: Women , Joke , Relationship , Chase , Hase

Funny Animation: Deleting
2007-12-06 12:29:00
(Click on the picture to play animation)
More About: Animation , Funny , Imation

Woman Joke: Hold My Monkey
2007-12-06 00:02:00
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.""You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.""That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
More About: Joke , Monkey , Woman , Hold

Family Joke: You have got a Male
2007-12-05 13:41:00
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:"You have got a Male ."
More About: Family , Joke

Marriage Joke: Monster Fart
2007-12-05 10:14:00
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She?ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived ho...
More About: Marriage , Joke , Monster , Fart , Mons

Woman Joke: I'm A Wife
2007-12-05 05:40:00
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional." The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids." They then asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
More About: Joke , Wife , Woman

Erap Joke: Dental Appointment
2007-12-04 15:49:00
The Estrada's were shown into the dentist's office, where Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."
More About: Joke , Dental

Marriage Joke: Only Married Men
2007-12-04 10:12:00
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?""Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
More About: Marriage , Joke , Married

Politics Joke: Cute Story
2007-12-04 05:27:00
This is a cute story. Today, legendary singer Neil Diamond revealed that the hit song "Sweet Caroline" was named for Caroline Kennedy.In a not-so-cute story, the English band The Prodigy revealed that their song "Smack My Bitch Up" was inspired by Hillary Clinton.- Alex Kaseberg
More About: Politics , Cute , Story , Joke , Politic

Amusing Stories: Land-mines
2007-12-03 00:00:00
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality."No", the man replied. "Land -mines."
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Sex Joke: Top 10 Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex
2007-12-02 23:58:00
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.7. When you open a book, you don?t have to worry about who else has opened it.6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.5. If you don?t finish a chapter, you won?t gain a reputation as a "book teaser".4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.3. You don?t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.2. You don?t have to put your beer down to do it.and the number one reason is ...1. If you aren?t sure what you?re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
More About: Joke , Reasons , Studying

School Joke: Map Reading
2007-12-01 23:47:00
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
More About: Reading , Joke , School

Animal Joke: Idiot Hippopotamus
2007-12-01 10:49:00
Boy1: Why did you punched me?Boy2: You called me hippopotamus!Boy1: Are you nuts! That was last year.Boy2: I know. I just saw a picture of hippopotamus a minute ago, idiot!
More About: Animal , Joke , Idiot

Marriage Joke: If Only You Are Good
2007-11-30 23:46:00
Husband: You know what dear, if you are only good in cooking, we don't need the maid. We can save P3,000.Wife: Sweetheart, if you are only good in bed, we don't need the driver. We can also save P5,000!
More About: Marriage , Joke , Good

Sex Joke: Bed Talk
2007-11-30 23:41:00
Boy: "Is this your first time?"Girl: (angrily) "Yes! You guys are really weird, always asking me the samequestion!
More About: Joke , Talk

Amusing Stories: Free Condom
2007-11-30 11:29:00
Last year, Nursing students distributed condoms to Ugoy residents in theMountain of Minglanilla for birth control. Yesterday, one resident wrote a letter to one of the Nursing students, saying, "Can I removed this condom now?"
More About: Stories , Free , Condom , Amusing

Work Joke: How To Look Like You're Working Hard
2007-11-30 01:20:00
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they?re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they?re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.2. Use computers to look busy.Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.These aren?t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they?re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you?re teaching yourself to use new software, thu...
More About: Joke , Work , Hard , Working , Like You

Work Joke: Breaktime
2007-11-30 00:19:00
My secretary liked to yammer on the phone with friends. One day I was about to interrupt her chat to tell her to get back to work, when she looked up at the clock and put an end to the conversation. "Sorry, I have to hang up now," she said. "It's time for my break." -- James MaxwellSource: RD
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Little Johnny Joke: Realistic Drawings
2007-11-29 00:05:00
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.The fly didn?t fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn?t fly away.This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny?s father to school."You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said."That?s nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."
More About: Joke , Drawings , Realistic

Little Johnny Joke: I Think I Can
2007-11-28 13:00:00
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils? answer by reciting a short poem.The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."The next on the list was Little Johnny , a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don?t give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think can!"
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