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Yo Mama Poetry
2008-05-21 15:33:00
Roses are red, violets are black, why?s Yo mama ?s chest, as flat as her back? Roses are red, Yo mama?s a witch, give her a quarter and she?ll be your bitch. Roses are red, violets are gold, so get on your knees and do what you?re told! Roses are red, I?m at the door, Yo mama has a ...
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Ethical Behavior For Patients
2008-05-21 15:11:00
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.Involvement with the patient?s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. Be cheerful at all times.Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being ...
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Bugs In Windows 2000
2008-03-10 10:27:00
12. Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive. 11. The so-called ?help? file is really just a collection of lame ?Chicken Soup for the Soul? anecdotes. 10. Refuses to install new programs until you?ve achieved ?clear? status. 9. You hit ?delete? and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque. 8. In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, ?It looks like you?re trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?? 7. Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France. 6. Dreaded ?Blue Screen of Death? replaced by less fearsome ?Hamster Dance Screen of Death.? 5. Too easy to win new ?Whack-a-Reno? game. 4. Default search options include ?Body Cavity Search.? 3. Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor. 2. Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars...
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Entrance Exam For Football Players
2008-03-10 10:26:00
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify. 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic 5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate) 8. What are people in America?s far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS 9. Spell ? CAT, DOG, PIG 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
More About: Players , Football , Exam , Entrance

Cowboy Excuses
2008-03-10 10:25:00
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship) From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995 Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden?s announce booth. Trying to make one of Marv Albert?s blooper reels. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: ?Winning?s no big deal.? Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie! What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy! Tired of going to Disneyland.

Practice
2008-03-10 10:24:00
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang ?Happy Birthday? to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. ?Don?t let it bother you,? said a strange but amused voice. ?You folks need all the practice you can get.?
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Misguided
2008-03-10 10:23:00
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles. ?We?re lost!? One of the hikers complained. ?And you said you were the best guide in the United States.? ?I am,? the guide answered, ? but I think we may have wandered into Canada.?

Priestly Duties
2008-03-10 10:22:00
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won?t be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ?Are you really going to let him get away with this?? ?No, I guess not,? says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn?t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ? Why did you let him do that?? To this God says, ?Who?s he going to tell??
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Unfaithful Wives
2008-03-10 10:21:00
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: ?I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren?t mine.? His second friend says: ?I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn?t mine.? Paddy says: ?I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.? Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. ?No, I?m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.?
More About: Wives , Dirty Jokes

Things In Football
2008-03-10 10:20:00
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. 18. He?s off to the sidelines for a quick blow. 17. It?s a game of inches. 16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. 14. He?s gonna feel that one tomorrow. 13. He found his tight end. 12. End around. 11. He had to stretch to get it in. 10. He gets penetration in the backfield. 9. He blows them off (at the line). 8. He bangs it in. 7. He could go all the way. 6. He gets it off just in time. 5. He goes deep. 4. He found a hole and slid through it. 3. He pounds it in. 2. He beats them off (the line) 1. He?s got great hands.
More About: Football , Things

Why Fishing
2008-03-10 10:19:00
When you go fishing and you catch something, that?s good. If you?re making love and you catch something, that?s bad. Fish don?t compare you to other fishermen neither. And don?t want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught. You can catch and release a fish. You don?t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go. You don?t necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid. If you want to catch a woman you?re talking dinner and a movie minimum. Fish don?t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
More About: Fishing

Albert Arrives at Party
2008-03-10 10:02:00
Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, What is your IQ? to which the man answers, 241. That is wonderful!, says Albert. We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss! Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, What is your IQ? to which the lady answers, 144. That is great!, responds Albert. We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss! Albert goes to another person and asks, What is your IQ? to which the man answers, 51. Albert responds, How about them, Cowboys?
More About: Party , Albert

Four Married Guys
2008-03-10 10:00:00
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend. Second Guy: That?s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool. Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, You haven?t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What?s the deal? Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, ?Golf Course or Intercourse?? So she says, Wear your sweater.
More About: Guys , Married

Difficult Shot
2008-03-10 09:59:00
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He?d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, ?Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?? ?My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,? said Bob. ?Good Lord,? said David, ?you haven?t got a chance of hitting her from here.?
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New to Football
2008-03-10 09:58:00
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. ?I liked it, but I couldn?t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ? she said. ?What do you mean?? he asked. ?Well, everyone kept yelling, ?Get the quarter back!??
More About: Football

Taking Aim
2008-03-10 09:57:00
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed? driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, ?What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!? The guy answers, ?My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.? ?Give me a break! You don?t stand a snowball?s chance in hell of hitting her from here.?
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Top NFL Complaints
2008-03-10 09:56:00
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition. Calling ?heads or tails? but never getting any. . . ?head? or ?tail?. Players get ?the wave?. . . refs get ?the finger?. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for ?Illegal use of a racial slur? is meaningless. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin? CLEVELAND!!! Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it?s black and white week after week after week! Don King only bribes boxing judges. Official rule books not made in Braille. I?m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where?s MY helmet and pads?!

Senior Golf Logic
2008-03-10 09:55:00
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. ?These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,? one complained. ?These fairways seem to be getting longer too,? said one of the others. ?The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,? said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, ?Just be thankful we?re still on the right side of the grass!?
More About: Senior , Golf , Logic

NASCAR Samaritans
2008-03-10 09:55:00
There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch. When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, ?What are you? Some kind of pervert?? The officer replies, ?No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats.?
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Funny Car Names
2008-03-05 15:30:00
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
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Yo Mama is So Ugly
2008-02-01 19:52:00
She didn?t get hit with the ugly stick, she was hit with the ugly log! Kids dress up as her for Halloween! She makes blind children cry! You could stick her face in dough and it would make monster cookies! I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said ?Thanks for bringing her back.?! If you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it! People hang her picture in their cars so their radios don?t get stolen! People hang her picture in their basements to scare the rats away! She looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning! Her shadow ran away from her! I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application! I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a pay check! People at the circus pay money not to see her!
More About: Mama , Ugly , Yo mama

Strawberries
2008-01-28 13:02:00
A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop. The man tells the little boy, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.” The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”
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Strawberries
2008-01-28 13:02:00
A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop. The man tells the little boy, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.” The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”
More About: Strawberries

Little Johnny
2008-01-28 12:59:00
At the start of English class, the teacher asked the students to use the word, definitely, in a sentence. Little Timmy raised his hand. The teacher pointed and said, “Yes, Timmy, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?” Little Timmy stood and said, “The grass is definitely green.” The teacher shook her head and replied, “No Timmy, sometimes the sun is so hot, it browns the grass, so the grass is not definitely green.” Little Susie raised her hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.” “No Susie, sometimes there are clouds in the sky. So the sky is not definitely blue,” the teacher stated. Little Johnny raised his hand. “Yes, Johnny, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?” “Um, well … when you break wind, does it have chunks in it?” Johnny asked as he squirmed in his seat. “No,” the teacher replied. Little Johnny stood and said, “Then may I be excused, because I ha...

Farmer’s Daughter
2008-01-28 12:58:00
A young man arrives for a date with the farmer’s daughter with a very bad case of gas. The father opens the door and tells the young man to come in and take a seat, which happens to be next to the family dog and across from his date. The father sits on the other side of the room. Conversation ensues and the young man feels one building up. Straining for control, he nonetheless let’s one squeak out. (dry audible) phhheert!!! The father looks over at the family dog and yells: “Duke!” The misdirected blame relaxes the young man enough to allow another, more deadlier stinker out. (moist audible) phhheerthphth!!!! The father, more agitated, glares at the family dog and yells: “DUKE!” The date blushes. The young man, relieved that he is not found out, let’s go of the motherload. (juicy audible) phhheeeerthphthertphert!!!!!!! The father, enflamed, bellows to the dog: “DUKE! Get over here before that boy shits on you!!!!”
More About: Daughter , Farmer

Grocery Store
2008-01-28 12:57:00
Bernie goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bernie to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bernie goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Next week Bernie finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bernie to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bernie goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food. Next week Bernie comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: “What! Ther...
More About: Store , Grocery

Pooping at Work
2008-01-28 12:56:00
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the… Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work . Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. Escapee Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. Jailbreak (U...

College Survival Tips
2008-01-28 10:40:00
14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour. 13. Enjoy being a Sophomore — It will be the best three years of your life. 12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it’s all fun and games until someone loses their ‘nads. 11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover. 10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business. 9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major. 8. Boring lecture? Start a wave! 7. College -level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner. 6. “I Phelta Thi” is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges. 5. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster. 4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay. 3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people. 2. Don’t think of it as sleeping with your p...
More About: Tips , Survival , Viva

Prisoners Mail
2008-01-28 10:39:00
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
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The Elderly Snake
2008-01-28 10:38:00
An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
More About: Snake , Elderly