Pointless Wanderings

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Pappu Pandey reporting from the Auto Expo!
2008-01-13 19:14:00
Today, we have a special interview with a special person. Meet Pappu Pandey! Pappu Pandey has been spending the week at the recently concluded Auto Expo , and has graciously agreed to do an interview for us. What follows is a transcript of this interview. Me: “So Pappu, you’ve been at the Auto Expo for the past ...

How to introduce yourself to Girls!
2008-01-10 19:44:00
The 1-hour torture called ‘Chemistry lab’ is finally over. I’m always glad to get out of the Chemistry lab, because it makes me feel like a witch mixing all those acids and salts and whatnot together. And a bad witch at that, because my potion never turns out quite the color it should. Anyway, as I’m ...
More About: Girls

A Tribute to the AutoRickshaw
2008-01-08 19:11:00
A Tribute to the AutoRickshaw Look around, the roads seem strangely quite and peacefulNo noise and Pollution? Nothing running amok like a mad bull?A flash of lightning, and it jumps out from the frying pan,Here comes the AutoRickshaw, so watch out Super-Man! You glide through the roads with poise and graceSpewing poisonous smoke onto eveybody’s face.Millions of ...

How to fix Bad Umpiring
2008-01-07 14:34:00
Doesn’t it seem like whenever the Indian cricket team visits Australia, there is some controversy or the other. The latest one, this time, is the really bad umpiring. I mean, how can the umpiring be so stupid? The ICC has to get up and take notice. And as usual, the ICC is out of ideas, ...

How to fix Bad Umpiring
2008-01-07 14:04:00
Doesn't it seem like whenever the Indian cricket team visits Australia, there is some controversy or the other. The latest one, this time, is the really bad umpiring. I mean, how can the umpiring be so stupid? The ICC has to get up and take notice. And as usual, the ICC is out of ideas, so it's up to me to come up with some solution to the bad umpiring problem. In fact, I've come up with three!(1) The "Gabbar Singh" solutionThis solution is called so because it is inspired by the classic Bollywood "Sholay" movie. This movie has solutions to all the world's problems, but that's another blog post. The solution is to keep as hostage, something the 2 umpires hold dear to them - Maybe their ugly-white-hats. The solution also requires the umpires to be renamed as "Thakurs".You can see that this solution works: When the bowlers appeal, instead of saying the ridiculous "Hooowwwzaaaaattttttaaaaaa???????", they'll use the more elegant "Yeh Wicket Hame De De Thakur!". At this point, seve...

New plan to avoid Movies!
2008-01-06 13:02:00
Earlier this year, I had resolved to see what could be done to avoid watching all the top-10 worst movies this year again. I discussed the situation with the wife, and she skillfully convinced me that it is my own fault that the movies are bad. Not only that, she also proved to me that ...
More About: Movies , Plan , Avoid

New plan to avoid Movies!
2008-01-06 12:32:00
Earlier this year, I had resolved to see what could be done to avoid watching all the top-10 worst movies this year again. I discussed the situation with the wife, and she skillfully convinced me that it is my own fault that the movies are bad. Not only that, she also proved to me that watching bad movies improves memory, reduces cholesterol and fights global warming.And so, reluctantly, I agreed when the wife announced that we were going to watch the movie "Welcome". But all was not lost yet. I am not the one to take defeat lightly, and I had been working on a master plan to do something about this. The plan of action this time, is to stall and delay us so that we arrive at the theater late and end up missing the movie. Oh, what a brilliant plan! I am so proud of myself!Soon, D-Day arrived, and it was time to go to the movie.Wife: "Come on, come on, we're getting ready. Are you dressed yet?"Me: "In a second. Almost ready."I am sitting in front of the TV.30 seconds later, The wife ...
More About: Movies , Plan , Avoid

My Universal Notebook
2008-01-03 19:54:00
Back in school, they had this really weird concept of maintaining a different notebook for each subject. Not just one notebook, but several per subject - Home Work, Class Work, Neat Work and whatnot. I didn’t believe in this system. Instead, I just had this one 200-pages long note book that I called the “Universal ...
More About: Notebook

My Universal Notebook
2008-01-03 19:24:00
Back in school, they had this really weird concept of maintaining a different notebook for each subject. Not just one notebook, but several per subject - Home Work, Class Work, Neat Work and whatnot. I didn't believe in this system. Instead, I just had this one 200-pages long note book that I called the "Univers al Notebook ". It contained everything. At least everything that I managed to write down. Needless to say, the teachers were not very impressed with this radical innovation.But the real problem is that I used to forget to bring my Universal Notebook as well. I would come to class like I was on a picnic. This would irritate the teachers no end, and I got screamed at a lot. Fortunately, I have a very thick skin, and these kinds of trivialities don't affect me.This one time, I was sitting in the last bench telling some silly jokes, when the teacher yelled at me.Teacher: "ADITYA!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"Me: "Not much, actually. I was..."Teacher: "Come to the first bench and sit! ...

Open letter to all my orkut friends
2008-01-02 18:02:00
To all my dear “Orkut Friends ”, I really appreciate all the new year’s wishes that ya’ll have left so thoughtfully. I was especially touched with how personalized each message was. In this age of mass emailing and SPAM, you all have really moved me with your thoughtful scraps. And that too on Orkut! A public forum ...
More About: Open , Letter , Open Letter

Open letter to all my orkut friends
2008-01-02 17:32:00
To all my dear "Orkut Friends ",I really appreciate all the new year's wishes that ya'll have left so thoughtfully. I was especially touched with how personalized each message was. In this age of mass emailing and SPAM, you all have really moved me with your thoughtful scraps. And that too on Orkut! A public forum bordering on voyeurism used by bored-out-of-their-skull people wanting nothing better than to read other people's scrap books all day. What a great place to wish me a happy new year! Thank you. Thank you so much.In fact, I'm so impressed with these messages, that I'm going to post one here that particularly touched my heart.Wishng U a Very Happy New Year!!!?!?!!!?! 2008!!!! Woo Hoo! U are da gr8!!!!!!!2007 sks!!! 2008 ya da blst!!! Happy NEW Year!!!!!!And I'm even more impressed with the tools you have used! Pasting some random javascript into your browser while logged into Orkut? Never mind that most virus and trojans use this technique to steal your data and lock yo...
More About: Open , Letter , Open Letter

Happy New Year!
2008-01-01 07:43:00
This new year started with a bang for me. Literally. Since this was the first new year since the wife and I got married, I thought it would be cute if we exchanged gifts on new year’s day. I made a big fuss about how the gifts had to be thoughtful and how the gift ...
More About: New Year , Happy , Happy New Year , Year

Happy New Year!
2008-01-01 07:13:00
This new year started with a bang for me. Literally. Since this was the first new year since the wife and I got married, I thought it would be cute if we exchanged gifts on new year's day. I made a big fuss about how the gifts had to be thoughtful and how the gift had to mean something.If there is one lesson that life has repeatedly thrown at me and I've repeatedly ignored learning is never to make big-shot statements like these. They have a way of coming back and biting you when you are not looking. In this case, I completely forgot about the gifts until the wife handed me her gift right after midnight.Wife: "Look what I got you!"Me: "What? What?"Wife: "A train set with tracks!"Me: "Wooo hooo! Wow! What a thoughtful gift! Thanks so much! I've wanted this since I was 12!"Wife: "You're welcome!"Me: "Thankfully you didn't get some silly gift like a mug or something.."Wife: "...and I also got you a mug with our picture on it!"Me: "Did I say mug? I meant pug. As in a small dog - pu...
More About: New Year , Happy , Happy New Year , Year

Aditya?s Advice Column 5
2007-12-28 16:03:00
I’m a newcomer to Bollywood, and I acted in this director’s movie which turned out to be a big flop. Not only did people think that it was a blue movie, but the director, let’s call him SLB, insisted on portraying me like a joker. Now, my career is sinking faster than the Titanic. What ...
More About: Advice , Column

Aditya's Advice Column 5
2007-12-28 15:33:00
I'm a newcomer to Bollywood, and I acted in this director's movie which turned out to be a big flop. Not only did people think that it was a blue movie, but the director, let's call him SLB, insisted on portraying me like a joker. Now, my career is sinking faster than the Titanic. What should I do?- Ranbir KYou've made a drastic mistake by working in a blue movie. But don't worry. There is no problem that Aditya's Advice Column cannot fix.My advice to you is to make your next movie with Rakhi Sawant. Rakhi Sawant, as we all know, is one of the industry's shining stars, and a movie with her will bring you enormous glamour and class and style. Your career will take off like a goat in front of a tiger.I've had the enormous pleasure of watching your movie, and I must say, I think the Bhojpuri movie industry seems like a better place for you. It is filled with people that match your talent. Besides, 12-and-a-half people watched Bhojpuri movies this year (one kid got in on a half-...

This year in review
2007-12-26 19:17:00
I can’t believe it’s the end of the year already! Didn’t this year feel especially short? I think we might have missed some months. I don’t remember experiencing a June or a February. We might have skipped those two. I’ve got to go and check the calander again! Anyhow, it’s that time of the year where ...
More About: Review , Year , Year in Review

This year in review
2007-12-26 18:47:00
I can't believe it's the end of the year already! Didn't this year feel especially short? I think we might have missed some months. I don't remember experiencing a June or a February. We might have skipped those two. I've got to go and check the calander again!Anyhow, it's that time of the year where I review how I'm doing on the goals and new year resolutions that I'd created when the year started. This year I had only a few resolution (against my usual average of several thousand), so this should be easy.2007 Resolutions1) Don't make fun of other peopleI think I've made good progress on this front. I dragged only a few people into mud-slinging. Only Atif, actually. And maybe Archisman. Hmm...Dwetha and Dyothi also. I might have said some things about Chitradeep Chetty too, but it probably didn't affect his delicate mental balance and push him into insanity. And then there's Drinivas. It's OK to make fun of Drinivas because he's been made an honorary blonde.Q: In a fi...
More About: Review , Year , Year in Review

Enlightenment!
2007-12-23 19:17:00
I was flipping through one of the wife's magazines the other day and I came across an interesting article. The article was about the top 10 flop Bollywood movies of the year. So I'm reading through it, and I'm like 'Haha...yeah, that was pretty bad...Haha...yeah, that one sucked too...Hoho..Yeah, that one. What was the director thinking?...' and I read through the whole article and then enlightenment hit me - And I'm not just talking about some random enlightenment, but the real oh-god-I-don't-believe-this type of enlightenment. I realized:I'VE WATCHED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE TOP 10 WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!!!!!!This is the kind of enlightenment that makes your stomach churn. How could have happened this to me? WHY ME? All said and done, I must have spent some 100 hours of my life watching those movies and those hours are not coming back! I decided this can not go on like this. I had to do something.I decided that I was going to tell the wife that I am NOT coming to watch an...
More About: Enlightenment

Tennis!
2007-12-22 16:32:00
I've started to enjoy playing Tennis . I suck at it, but that doesn't stop me from playing anyway. It's like an addiction. But my other friends don't seem to enjoy it as much. They say I'm not a "Good Sport". Ha! I think they're just being bad losers. You decide for yourself:So last week, we're playing a doubles Tennis match. Drinivas and I are playing together as a team against a couple of other friends.We're leading 4-3 in the first set. The other team serves, and I smash it right back into the net.Drinivas (making weird actions with his racket): "Place it man! Place it!"Me: "I'm going to place it on top of you if you don't keep quite!"Drinivas: "$#@^%$#@**"Friend #1: "Good team work fellows. Good team work!"Me: "Grrrrr...."Next point. Friend #1 serves it straight at me, and I'm trying out my single-hand-back-hand-top-spin-drop-shot. It lands up in the next court were a couple of chics are playing.Drinivas: "What the hell are you doing?!? We lost the point!"Me: "Oh, kee...

Misc: Pointless Wanderings in JAM Mag and new Pointless News site!
2007-12-20 18:19:00
As Pazz pointed out earlier today, two of my articles managed to get published in the J.A.M magazine. Hurray! But I haven't managed to get my paws on a copy of the magazine, so if you have it, I'd appreciate it if you could scan/photograph the two pages and send it to me at aditya@pointlesswanderings.comAlso, check out the newly redesigned Pointless News site! It comes with new themes, new features and a whole lot of new attitude.(Honestly, I have no idea what that means, but it sounds cool, so I said it) Thanks for reading! For more wanderings, visit http://www.pointlesswanderings.com/. Click on the title to comment. Copyright © 2007, Aditya Kulkarni. All rights reserved.
More About: Misc , Site , Erin

How to Disguise Insults
2007-12-19 19:09:00
One of the great undervalued skills of life in the 21st Century is the ability to disguise insults. Swearing and cursing to someone's face is quite easy, but often produces counter-effects (i.e., you'll get beaten up). If you're an expert at disguising your insults, your victim will spend several agonizing hours deciding whether what you said was meant as an insult. A very subtle, but brutal form of torture. It's a lost art these days. But don't worry, I'm going to help you out with this skill.1) Use Subliminal MessagesUsing this technique requires fine timing. The idea is to blurt out the insult directly, but have a "cover-up" word ready, so that if the victim suspects that you've insulted him, you can use the "cover-up" word to get out of the situation.Example:The wife has been trying to get me to exercise, but without much luck. So, one day, as I'm going to office:Me: "Bye bye, I'm off to office"Wife: "Bye bye, Fatty!"Me: "Excuse me?"Wife: "Smarty! I said Smarty! You kno...
More About: Insults , Insult

This Modern World
2007-12-18 19:15:00
This Modern World Welcome to this world, in this modern day,Where, with smoke and dust, the air has turned grey."I'm OK" they say and put up a brave display,But everyone really seems to want to run away!Cheer up, they tell me, "Let's go Shopping!"2000 bucks for a shirt?!? There's no way I'm paying!No movies either, the price of tickets is skyrocketing,And to make things worse, there's no place for parking!At work too, all day is spent going from meeting to meeting,Throwing around latest buzzwords like 'Social Networking"!But I don't really get it, What is with this whole Orkut thing,Pouring over other's scrapbooks, what is the joy they're seeking?I try to look ahead, but it's all unclear,My whole life is just stuck in 2nd gear!Blindly climbing up the 'ladder' year after yearWhat the hell am I doing here? Thanks for reading! For more wanderings, visit http://www.pointlesswanderings.com/. Click on the title to comment. Copyright © 2007, Aditya Kulkarni. All rights r...

How (not) to do College Projects
2007-12-17 15:11:00
There's a major problem with the way Engineering is taught in this country. And the problem is that, at the end of the 4 years, they expect you to create some Software Project to prove that you learnt something and didn't waste your time. And this was a big problem for me. Luckily, there's one loophole that I can exploit: The Project can be done by a "team" of 2 people. So, all I had to do was to find a victim teammate who could do the project and from whom I could steal credit.Enter Dyothi. Dyohti is very smart, very good with computers, but most importantly, has a good image of me. So, just as the project is around the corner, I try to make my move on her. This is surprisingly easy, and she immediately agrees to be my Project Partner. And soon enough, we have our first discussion around what project we should be doing.Dyothi: "I think we should do a server-side project"Me: "Sure, sure. Why not, why not!"Dyothi: "How about writing an IMAP server?"Me: "Sure, sure. Why not, why no...
More About: Projects , College

Pointless Wanderings
2007-12-17 06:07:00
New! Email DeliveryEnter your email address:Delivered by FeedBurner Hi Everyone,A few people pinged me and let me know that Pointless Wanderings has again been blocked in their offices. Now, I'm assuming that your company has done this to stop you from wasting time on this blog, which is a great compliment. :D But anyway, even if the site is blocked, you still have 2 other options to get PointlessWanderings1) Subscribe to the feed.The feed for this blog is here. You can subscribe to this and get past all the blockages. To subscribe to this feed, go to http://www.google.com/reader , sign in with your Gmail ID (or Google ID), and then click 'Add Subscription' and then add this address (http://blog.pointlesswanderings.com). That's it. You're set. You can read Pointless Wanderings by signing into Google Reader.2) The second option is to subscribe to the blog via email.Just enter your email address in the sidebar, and you'll receive the day's blog post bright and early in the morn...
More About: Erin

Driving and Traffic Comparision
2007-12-15 19:18:00
Driving in India is so much different than driving in the US. I've written about the various traffic similarities earlier, but today I wanted to focus on the differences.1) If you can drive in India, you can drive anywhere. Driving in India is like playing a video game - You have to dodge other cars, autoricshaws, stray dogs, buffaloes and aliens to go to the next level - the next signal. The challenges get harder at every new level. You also get a few weapons to help you play the video-game: The right to use profanities and various gestures with the hand that can be used against different villains. If you brush your car against another, then you have to get out of the car and the game turns into Street Fighter! If you're really good, you can practice some Mortal Kombat style fatalities and provide entertainment to the other players in the video game.The Corollary is also partially true - If you can drive only in the US, then you can't drive anywhere else. You'll be so used to r...
More About: Traffic , Driving

Top 10 things about me You Didn't Know
2007-12-14 07:07:00
1) I've once managed to set my computer on fire. Like literally. With smoke and all.2) I can't listen to music. If I have music on for more than 15 minutes, the voices in my head start singing along (with a really bad voice too), and that gives me a terrible headache. I wear noise-canceling headphones at work, but have nothing playing to keep the noise out.3) A stray dog once bit me and THE DOG died the next day of rabies. Nothing happened to me.4) I can't swim. I took swimming lessons, but I still can't swim.5) I'm very bad with spellings. I couldn't survive without a spell checker. A 4th Standard kid could probably beat me at a spelling test.6) I once managed to convince a friend to lend me money to buy HIS birthday gift which I BORROWED from him the same day. I've not returned the gift back to him. And neither the money. Yet.7) I'm very scared of Cows and Buffaloes.8) I used to be a member of Mensa (The club for so-called "High IQ" people). They kicked me out because I re...
More About: Things

Hit List
2007-12-13 07:06:00
I maintain a secret hit list of people that I hate. My plan is to trick them into inhaling laughing gas and then telling them really really bad jokes. Their mind will explode thinking about why they can't stop laughing at absolutely stupid jokes. Oh, the ideal form of torture!Anyway, I recently updated my list with these 3 really really annoying people.:1) Weird-Caller-Tune-DudeCaller tunes for cell phones are the worst thing ever. They are used, abused and overused so badly that someone needs to start an anti-caller-tune movement. Case in point:I have this friend, lets call him Dachin. So I'm trying to call Dachin this other day. I dial his number.*Ring* *Ring*Me: "Hello?"Phone: "Hello? Hello?"Me: "Hey mate, it's me. Are you game for Tennis on Saturday?"Phone: "Hello? Are baba... Hello!!! Hello? Hello?"Me: "Hello? Can you hear me?"Phone: "Kuch bolte kyo nahin? Hello? Hello?"Me: "Hello!?? Hello?"Phone: "Hello? Hello? Kuch sunaiyee nahin de raha"Me: "Hello!?? GOD DAMN IT! I CAN HE...
More About: List

Talent Show!
2007-12-11 18:57:00
Back in School, our teachers had this weird mission of "All Round Development" of the students. They used to abuse and torture kids to various "activities" under this pretext. Did you guys have the S.U.P.W subject? - Socially Useful Productive Work, officially, but we used to call it "Some Useful Period Wasted". This was the class where they made us paint pots and carve birds out of bars of soap.Anyway, so this one year, our teachers decided that we should put on a "Talent Show " for the Annual School Day. It was going to be a platform for all students to showcase their "special talents". When I first heard this thing, I had a big knot in my stomach. Talent? What Talent? I had absolutely no Talents. I went to the teacher to discuss this dilemma.Me: "Ma'am, I don't want to take part in this Talent Show"Teacher: "But dear, you must put on a show. Show your special talents!"Me: "I don't have any special talents!"Teacher: "Don't be silly. Everyone has special talents. Do you sing?"Me...

"How to Impress Girls" - By Chitradeep Chetty
2007-12-10 06:44:00
Chitradeep Chetty has lived a very colorful life, and we can all benefit significantly by studying his style. I have been doing it myself for the last few years. One of the many things Chitradeep excels at is knowing exactly what women want. And so, Chitradeep returns today to share his enormous wisdom with us:--------------------------------Knowin g what women want is a very tricky thing, but there are some secrets to it that are gauranteed to make you score with the women! Today, I will teach you the 3 most important tricks that you can use to impress them.1) Make them ask you questions.This is probably the most important, since it opens communication with them and gets them interested in you. The Trick is to get them to ask question, but you have to guide the conversation.Example:Chitradeep: "What deo do you use?"Girl: "EXCUSE ME?" (First question)Chitradeep: "I use Narsingh Deo!"Girl: "What?" (Second question. We're making good progress!)Chitradeep: "Haha...That's the author ...
More About: Girls , Impress

Aditya's Advice Column - 4
2007-12-07 06:42:00
We have a special episode of the Advice Column today. After the last advice column, I received so many questions, that I'm trying to answer some here:I have a problem which needs pointless advice. I don't like to work and want to laze at home. But I want my salary to come without going to affeesss. What should I do?- AWhat you need to do, A, is to join Politics. It's the perfect Career for you. Think about what Politicians do all day: They....err...hmmm....What do politicians do all day, really?Which actually brings me to my point nicely. You get to do absolutely nothing all day, and still "magically", the money seems to flow to you. It usually flows from under tables, but that's just a technicality.So, here's my advice to you: Get to know some Gangsters and become friends with some Goondas. Then, slowly expand your circle to include drug dealers and smugglers. And before you know it, you'll be the CM!I have an embarrassing problem.I have more hair on my left toe than on my ri...