Wally's Joke Mail

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4

Mobile Phone GPS Tracking
2007-10-07 22:02:00
Try out this mobile phone tracker, it's great!Track any connected mobile phone using a satellite map with coverage anywhere in the world!!Log on to http://www.planetcreation.co.uk/spy
More About: Mobile , Phone , Mobile Phone , Tracking , Bile

What is a Hillbilly
2007-10-07 20:22:00
This is a "Hill-Billy"
More About: Hillbilly

Are My Testicles Black
2007-10-07 17:33:00
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
More About: Black , Testicles

Blonde going to the Sun
2007-10-07 15:05:00
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads."You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"
More About: Going , Goin

Mother-In-Law Kiss
2007-10-07 03:35:00
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?""My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need ev...
More About: Kiss , Mother

12 Quick One-Liners
2007-10-06 18:04:00
Q. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Q. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? A. Anyone Can Roast Beef. Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A. It's not hard.Q. What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? A. A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A. The pick pocket snatches watches.Q. What's the difference between Light and Hard? A. You can sleep with a Light on.Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? A. Nacho Cheese. Q. What do you call a ...
More About: Quick , Liners

Speeding Husband - Loudmouth Wife
2007-10-06 16:49:00
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 85 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $50 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so th...
More About: Wife , Speeding , Husband

10 ways to know you're Addicted to your Computer
2007-10-06 07:28:00
10. When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.9. You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.8. Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.7. Your computer is your ONLY friend.6. You think cyber sex is better than real sex.5. You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).4. You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.3. Your twins are named RAM & ROM.2. After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 98 is outdated.1. YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!
More About: Computer , Addicted , Addict

You know You are out of College When
2007-10-06 07:05:00
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in twin-sized beds seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well balanced meal.7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 6:00 AM is not early.9. You have to file your own taxes....And finally You know you are out of college when...10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
More About: College , Coll

Blonde at Football Game
2007-10-06 02:56:00
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
More About: Football , Game , Blonde , L Game

Greedy Rich Lawyer
2007-10-05 23:23:00
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "My mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
More About: Rich

Democrat, Republican or Southerner
2007-10-05 22:42:00
Are you a Democrat , Republic an or Southerner ?Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question:You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 cal pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.What do you do?- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Democrat's Answer:1. Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!2. Does the man look poor or oppressed?3. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?4. What does the law say about this situation?5. Does the firearm have appropriate safety built into it?6. Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?7. Is it possible he...
More About: Hern

The Frozen Skunk
2007-10-05 20:38:00
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it.""Where shall I put it to get it warm?"He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."But what about the smell?""Just hold its nose."The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
More About: Skunk , Frozen

Never Up, Never In
2007-10-05 19:45:00
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

More Murphy's Laws on Computers
2007-10-05 18:15:00
* As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.* Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one.* You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.* The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up.* There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed *yet*.* Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with a computer long enough, you'll break it.
More About: Computers , Laws

New York Cab Driver
2007-10-05 17:37:00
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings."Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?""They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"She quickly replied, "They become cab drivers!"
More About: Driver , New-York

12 College Survival Tips
2007-10-05 01:17:00
12. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.11. Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.10. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover. 9. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business. 8. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major. 7. Boring lecture? Start a wave! 6. Coll ege -level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramon Noodle dinner. 5. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster. 4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay. 3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people. 2. Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "Acing Biology." 1. In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.
More About: Tips , Survival , Viva

The Nutty Professor
2007-10-05 01:16:00
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door."Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
More About: Fess

Top 10 Reasons for Going to Work Naked
2007-10-05 00:54:00
10. No one ever steals your chair.9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.6. Take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.5. You want to see if it's like the dream.4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."2. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.,,,And (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked....1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00 AM!"
More About: Reasons , Going , Goin

Doctors more Deadly than Guns
2007-10-04 02:40:00
First, think about this:a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services) Then think about this:a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
More About: Doctors , Guns , Deadly

Female Marketing Explained
2007-10-04 00:40:00
Many women don't understand Marketing . Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up.You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Direct Marketing.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you says, She's fantastic in bed. That's Advertising.You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Telemarketing.You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, May I, and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Public Relations.You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed. That's Brand Recognition.You're at a party and see a hand...
More About: Female , Laine

Stepping on Ducks in Heaven
2007-10-03 00:28:00
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St....
More About: Heaven