Really funny jokes

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Short jokes-Wife
2008-05-14 09:08:00
First guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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Really funny jokes-Gift from God
2008-05-14 09:07:00
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God", he said.Silence fell on the congregation.In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
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Adult jokes-Coincidence
2008-05-13 09:06:00
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.The woman perks up and says, " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.""This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman."What a coincidence ," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?""My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!""What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile.""That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?""I switched cocks," he replied." What a coincidence," she said
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Really funny jokes-Proud Grandmother
2008-05-13 09:05:00
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her."Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."
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Sardar jokes-Santa & Banta go out Fishing
2008-05-13 09:04:00
Santa and Banta decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport fishing.After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught plenty of fish within twenty minutes.Banta said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come."Santa says, "Good idea", and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot....Seeing that Banta shouted, "Why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish!"
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Really funny jokes-Small Town Justice
2008-05-12 09:04:00
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.""But officer, I just wanted to say....""And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," said the man in the cell,"I'm the groom!"
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Adult funny jokes-Old man Jones
2008-05-12 09:03:00
The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals.?Excuse me,? said the doctor, ?but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that??The nurse replied, ?I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs.?
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Blonde jokes-Blondes go for a movie
2008-05-12 06:00:00
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
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Adult funny jokes-Where do they come from?
2008-05-10 09:06:00
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear.... mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room..they kiss, hug and have sex."The child looks puzzled. The mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"The Mother says, "Jewelry dear."
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Really really funny jokes-Allegations of torture
2008-05-10 09:05:00
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX , was asked on a local 'live' radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience."If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say....""Red is positive, Black is negative, Make sure his balls are wet."
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Adult jokes-Three times a week
2008-05-09 09:10:00
"After 10 years of marriage, sex with my wife is down to three times a year.""Same here, Pal. As a matter of fact, if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."
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Really funny jokes-Bus ride
2008-05-09 09:09:00
While recently riding on the bus standing up, a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road. She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the same pole, staring at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other way.Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said,"Excuse me. This is my stop."Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused."Well," she said, "go ahead.""And this is my pole," the young man said.My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain.
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Sardar jokes-Remarry
2008-05-09 09:08:00
Santa: If I die, will you remarry?Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?Santa: No, I'll also stay with your sister.
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Really funny jokes-Silent Fart
2008-05-08 09:06:00
An old couple were sitting in church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. She leaned across to her husband and whispered,"I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"He said,"I think you should get batteries for your hearing aid."
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Funny adult jokes-Bra
2008-05-08 09:05:00
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...Hard to FindSupportiveComfortableAlways Lifts You UpNever Lets You Down or Leaves You HangingAnd Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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Really funny jokes-Expensive
2008-05-07 09:14:00
A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his Portfolio forms a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed "what wonderful Photos! "Said the wife" you must have a very expensive camera."The photographer just Smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said "Thank you for the delicious mealYou must have very expensive pans!
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Adult jokes-Died with an Erection
2008-05-07 09:12:00
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior."What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?""Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."And so the first nurse left.The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massiv...
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Kids jokes-Grown ups
2008-05-07 09:10:00
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out.""What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt."Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?""Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?""Er, right.""And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?""Again you're right.""And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?""All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?""What were all the grown-ups doing?"
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Funny Adult Jokes-Get a Man
2008-05-06 09:15:00
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large birdcage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods.""Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.""So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
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Blonde jokes-Stare
2008-05-06 09:12:00
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?A: Because it said "Concentrate."
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Really funny jokes-A Walking Economy
2008-05-05 09:06:00
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy."His friend replies, "How so?""His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."
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Adult jokes-Unzip
2008-05-05 06:13:00
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. She tried to step up onto the steps again.But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time.She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt.He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing."The man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we were aquainted."
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Humor jokes-Old Farmers
2008-05-05 06:12:00
Two old farmers had hauled a truck load of squirming hogs eighty miles from their west Kansas farm to the nearest market. The old truck had overheated twice; the hogs were keeping the truck rocking, even when it was stopped, and the hot summer Kansas wind was drying them out fast.Within three miles of the market, they passed a tavern and pulled in for a couple of draft beers. The place was dimly lit and air conditioned.After about 20 minutes, one says to the other, "It's going to be really hard to get up, but I reckon we ought to."About that time, a quite obvious prostitute walks up to the bar, works her way in between them, and says, "You guys look about ready for action. I'll do anything you want me to do for $60."The old farmer pulls three $20 bills out of his pocket and replies, "Here you go, Ma'am; git that load of hawgs to the Maple Street auction barn."
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Adult funny jokes-Cautious old lady
2008-05-03 10:05:00
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?""Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girlhome. On the way he...
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Really Really funny jokes-Bet with Blonde
2008-05-03 10:01:00
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.The 10:00 PM news was coming on..The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'Bob replied, 'I can 't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News and so I knew he would jump.'The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'Bob took the money...
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Adult funny jokes-Riddle
2008-04-28 19:08:00
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.Here's the riddle:At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on oppositesides of the earth:1. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.2. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?Don't look down.
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Really funny jokes-Good Investment
2008-04-28 19:05:00
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?""Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for...
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Adult jokes-The BEST put-down line ever
2008-04-26 18:29:00
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! It is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don'...
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Really funny jokes-Date
2008-04-26 18:28:00
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate and resigned herself to an evening of TV.No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready!?"
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Kids jokes-Alike
2008-04-26 18:25:00
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?""You're both old," he replied.
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