Really funny jokes

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Really funny jokes-Praise
2008-04-01 19:17:00
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'All the men sighed ...
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Blonde jokes-Bowling team
2008-04-01 19:15:00
Two bowling teams, one of all Blonde s and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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Adult funny jokes-My friend circle
2008-03-29 08:35:00
Tom came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeena, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Bill", he demanded."No !" his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend John then?" he asked."No !!!" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeena snapped.
More About: Jokes , Funny , Friend , Adult , Circle

Really funny jokes-I want a divorce
2008-03-29 08:23:00
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases."I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need.""Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"Right before they ...
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Humor jokes-Too drunk
2008-03-29 08:19:00
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.""Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.""I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.""Well, then we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.""Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can't do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I'm too drunk to do that."
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Kids jokes-Tripping
2008-03-27 17:46:00
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, 'If he gets loose, will he hurt us?'
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Really funny jokes-The accident
2008-03-25 17:46:00
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door."Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya"."Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery . ..""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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Short funny jokes-Depends
2008-03-25 17:45:00
Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
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Kids jokes-Old Leaf
2008-03-25 17:39:00
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, 'It's Adam's suit'.
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Adult jokes-Daddy's car in the woods?
2008-03-24 18:08:00
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Janein a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was...
More About: Jokes , Adult , Woods , In the Woods

Really funny jokes-Wanna be a bear
2008-03-24 18:06:00
In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.Yup, gonna be a bear!
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Blonde jokes-Financial trouble
2008-03-24 05:30:00
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive...
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Adult jokes-Divorced!
2008-03-22 08:32:00
Sardar: I divorced my wife on the 1st night.Friend: Why?Sardar: I saw the label on her panties, "Tested OK by Mafatlal & Sons."
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Really funny jokes-Wealthy husband
2008-03-22 08:25:00
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me.You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money.""Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed."You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you.Please... tell me what I can do?""Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
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Funny jokes-Phone your lawyer
2008-03-22 08:15:00
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."The next day he phones again and asks the same question.The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
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Adult funny jokes-African penis
2008-03-21 08:21:00
A couple was watching a Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?""Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied."Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?""No, it's turned black."
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Really funny jokes-Mental hospital
2008-03-21 08:20:00
A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decides to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day.At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door. There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching and clawing at the door and the handle.The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients.Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door.The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, "I've got the key!"
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Adult jokes-Exhausted!!
2008-03-20 17:11:00
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse."Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday."I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
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Really funny jokes-One wish
2008-03-20 17:10:00
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my fam...
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Humor jokes-Sweatshirt
2008-03-20 17:08:00
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?""It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."And they say blondes are dumb...
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Funny adult jokes-Green wax
2008-03-19 17:42:00
The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight. "
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Difference between Women and Men
2008-03-19 17:41:00
NamesIf Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.Eating outWhen the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.BathroomsA man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identifymost of these items.CatsWomen love cats.Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Dressing upA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the...
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Short humor jokes-Success
2008-03-18 11:05:00
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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Humor jokes- A prayer
2008-03-18 11:03:00
Dear Lord,I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him;And Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death.AMEN
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Blonde jokes
2008-03-18 11:01:00
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?A1: "What's a lightbulb?"A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call,"Daaady!"A4: None. They can't fit.A5: Six, Five to look at the problem and go "Duh?" and one to call her boyfriend to do it.A6: 10, One to change the bulb and the other nine to make T-shirts.
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Adult funny jokes-Audit
2008-03-17 18:24:00
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'Replied the buddy.'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"
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Kids jokes-Punished!
2008-03-17 18:21:00
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"The little girl replied, "My homework."
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Funny adult jokes-Viagra
2008-03-15 17:47:00
Tina asks her husband, "Bret, would you like some granola; a slice of toast, and maybe some orange juice and coffee?"Bret declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra ," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."At lunchtime she asked Bret if he would like something, a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."Come dinnertime, she asks Bret if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like some succulent salmon and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe some rotisserie tofu or tasty stir fry?"Bret declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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Humor jokes-Heart warming sight
2008-03-15 17:45:00
During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she glanced at my grandparents.My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather' s wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst."Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse to see if he was still alive."
More About: Jokes , Humor , Heart , Sight

Adult funny jokes-Storming row
2008-03-14 18:25:00
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.The judge says, 'OK.''Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second s...
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