Really funny jokes

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Deep thoughts
2008-03-14 18:15:00
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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Funny jokes-3 science students
2008-03-14 18:06:00
Three science students went to a pond.The physics student said he wanted to calculate the density of water and jumped into the pond.Then the student of mathematics said that he wanted to calculate the depth of the pond and followed the physics student.The chemistry student waited for about an hour, then finding no trace of the two, he left concluding that both were soluble in water
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Really funny jokes-Grandma's 100th birthday!
2008-03-13 18:03:00
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up andStuffed pillows on her right.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?"Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson, "They won't let me fart."
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Humor jokes-Earring
2008-03-13 17:56:00
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings.""Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?""Ever since my wife found it in my car."
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Really funny jokes-Human race
2008-03-12 17:29:00
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The mother answered; "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered; "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."The confused girl returns to her mother and says; "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says we developed from monkeys?"The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
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Adult jokes-No fear
2008-03-10 18:09:00
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting."You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command."The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation:How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"
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Blonde from Arkansas
2008-03-10 18:07:00
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'.""Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
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Short funny jokes-Pregnant!
2008-03-08 19:29:00
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
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Humor jokes-First Communion
2008-03-08 19:03:00
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament. Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!
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Funny adult jokes-Walk the beat
2008-03-06 19:35:00
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morningafter my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.Ten minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Fifteen minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.Twenty minutes pass, and they are starting to worry. Twenty five minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds ...
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Humor jokes-Don't complain
2008-03-06 19:15:00
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.""Why complain?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"
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Funny jokes-Customer is always right!
2008-03-06 19:11:00
The owner of a new departmental store called his new salesmen and told " Always remember that the customer is very important. He is the king. You have to explain patiently whatever he asks and please remember 'Whatever he says is Right'."All the salesmen went to their allotted departments. The owner was observing them through TV. Excepting one salesman all were doing good business. He called that salesman in the evening and scolded him " I have been watching you. Though many customers came you have not been able to sell even a single item. Why"The salesman replied, " Sir, I have been following your instructions very carefully. Whenever a customer comes, I explain him the details of the product, it's special features and clarify all his doubts. In the end they comment that the price of the product is very high. I remember your words and tell them promptly "You are Right" and they leave!"
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Adult humor jokes-Raped by an idiot
2008-03-04 19:21:00
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot !!" she wailed."How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked."I had to help him!" the girl replied.
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Really funny jokes-Nuts!!!
2008-03-04 19:20:00
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up Nuts ', and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, 'Down Nuts', and they all sat back down in their seats.After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, 'Cheer Nuts'.They all broke out into applause and cheered.When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, 'Booooo Nuts' and they all started booing and cat calling.Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress.Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, 'What in the world happened?'The assistant replied, 'Well everything was going just fine until this gu...
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Humor jokes-Letter to God
2008-03-04 19:17:00
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for 2 weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to the President.The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:Dear God,Thank you very much for sending the money; however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00
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Funny adult jokes-Panty rub
2008-03-03 19:25:00
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with.Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again!".
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Short humor jokes-In bus with daddy
2008-03-03 19:22:00
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.""Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
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Funny jokes-Generous lawyer
2008-03-03 05:46:00
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Adult humor jokes-The Wedding night
2008-03-01 18:47:00
Sipho gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before. So what do I do first?His father: Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed. 5 minutes later Sipho's on the phone again. She's naked and in bed, what do I do now?His father can't believe what he is hearing, Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her. After another 5 minutes poor Sipho is on the phone again. Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?His dad's patience is now running thin so he says, Shit son, do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!!!Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next?DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!
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Really funny jokes-Driving home
2008-03-01 18:45:00
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over."So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?""Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk."Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.""I did all right," the drunk says with a smile."Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?""Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Humor jokes-The drunk
2008-03-01 18:42:00
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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Funny adult jokes-Polish blonde
2008-02-29 19:31:00
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims," I don't have that much money. I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!"To that the man asks, "Anything?"And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"With that the man says, "Follow me."He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says," Hello, Mom?"
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Funny jokes-Love and Marriage
2008-02-29 19:15:00
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the weddingceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc."Now do you understand?" he asked."I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
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Adult humor jokes-Ralph's problem
2008-02-28 19:39:00
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though RARE, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery."How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously."Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor."Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna' lengthen his legs, aren't you?
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Really funny jokes-Florist goof-up
2008-02-28 19:32:00
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
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Kids jokes-Four little animals
2008-02-28 19:12:00
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"The little girl said,"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."The teacher fainted.
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Funny adult jokes-Discount Store
2008-02-27 19:04:00
A woman went to a discount store service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." By now a crowd was beginning to gather.The clerk ran away to get the store manager who asked the lady what was wrong. She explained once again that she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The manager also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." The crowd was growing larger.The very embarrassed store manager asked the lady why on earth she was making such a scene and she very demurely replied, "because I like to have my nipples rubbed when I am being screwed."The crowd exploded in applau...
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Humor jokes-Indicator
2008-02-27 19:01:00
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant."I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
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Funny adult jokes-Dating
2008-02-26 19:25:00
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
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Funny jokes-Dead Camel
2008-02-26 19:21:00
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel."Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver.""I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart.""I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
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