Really funny jokes

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Really funny jokes-The Promise
2008-02-26 19:15:00
My Uncle Ned, all alone, met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses.One day as they were walked down 5th Avenue in New York, they came upon a jewelery store under construction. Peggy looked at my Uncle Ned and said,"You promised me jewels." Uncle Ned proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace.As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop. Peggy looked at Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle Ned picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy.Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, "You promised me beautiful clothes."Uncle Ned replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"
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Adult joke - How do you feel about sex ?
2008-02-25 20:54:00
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly."Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............"Is that one word or two?"
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Short humor jokes-Mating call
2008-02-25 19:32:00
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?A: "Next!"
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Humor jokes-Fine tea!
2008-02-25 19:20:00
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
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Really funny jokes-Mid life crisis
2008-02-25 19:01:00
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."My wife is a very reasonable woman.She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
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Funny Adult jokes-The Male organ
2008-02-23 19:11:00
The only thing not taxed yet is the male penis.This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,10% of the time it is hard up,20% of the time it is pissed off and1% of the time it is in the hole.On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:The brackets are as follows:10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.008 - 10" Pole Tax $250.005 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.003 - 5 " Nuisance Tax $30.00Male s exceeding 12" must file capital gains.Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.
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Funny jokes-The spill
2008-02-23 19:05:00
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?""Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"
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Really funny jokes-Never underestimate illiterates.!!!!
2008-02-22 19:31:00
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back ...
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Short funny jokes-Niagara falls
2008-02-22 19:23:00
A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said sarcastically: "I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.""No," said the Texan, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!"
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Funny jokes-Hurt all over
2008-02-22 19:21:00
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain."Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman."What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her rightearlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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Adult humor jokes-Tenth child
2008-02-21 19:23:00
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.Then, finally, she says, "You."
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Humor jokes-Three political prisoners
2008-02-21 19:11:00
Three political prisoners met in a Cuban prison. They were discussing what for they were arrested.The first one said, "I was arrested for opposing the views of Lage."The second one said, "I was arrested for supporting the views of Lage."They turned to the third one and he said, "I am Lage"
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Really funny jokes-Swallowing the coin
2008-02-20 18:42:00
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin.Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.As soon as he is sure that ...
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Funny jokes-The three mice
2008-02-20 18:35:00
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, then press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fcuk the cat."
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Humor jokes-Will power
2008-02-20 18:21:00
Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking."Imagine that, Morty," she says, "Someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have.""OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."Morty keeps to his word.One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.Morty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Er... Marvin has started smoking again."
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Adult funny jokes-Asleep on beach
2008-02-19 19:25:00
This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe.She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe."Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy."
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Really funny jokes-Little guy on a plane
2008-02-19 19:23:00
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him."So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
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Adult humor jokes-Opening for Gynecologist's Assistant
2008-02-16 19:32:00
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant .Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.''Oh why, is that where the job's is located?''No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'
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Funny jokes-Good reason
2008-02-16 19:21:00
Ram, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair."This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing."I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side."Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding,...
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Really funny jokes-Cats' skills
2008-02-15 19:30:00
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better.He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.Everyone agreed that was pretty good.Then the...
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Humor jokes-My daddy
2008-02-15 19:23:00
My five year old daughter asked me the question I'd been dreading. "Mommy , how are babies made?" I did my best to explain but she still looked confused."What about kittens? She asked."Well it's exactly then same way, " I said."Wow!" she said excitedly. "My daddy can do anything"
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Humor signs
2008-02-15 19:15:00
On a Toilet door:TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOWIn a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUTOutside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARNotice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Adult humor jokes-Sex signs
2008-02-14 19:25:00
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable tocommunicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time".The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times."
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Really funny jokes-Go to Heaven
2008-02-14 19:20:00
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven ?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class."NO!" the children all answered."If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"Again, the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"Again, they all answered, "NO!""Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
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Adult jokes-Wild blonde
2008-02-13 19:09:00
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"Mary: "Head Cleaner."
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Humor jokes-Jewish grandma
2008-02-13 19:08:00
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there ..he was swept away.The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?...
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Short humor jokes-Ad campaign
2008-02-13 19:05:00
Seen a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds by our county tourist board.Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads .... "Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation ! It's got everything. Sand for the children, fishing galore for Dad, sun for the wife, and plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law"
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Adult funny jokes-Moon landing
2008-02-09 19:25:00
Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot."Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon."The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as are earth woman?""Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?""I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot."Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?"asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration."T...
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Short funny jokes-Cheering crowd
2008-02-09 19:23:00
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
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Funny jokes-Rectal thermometer
2008-02-09 19:21:00
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermo- meter and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
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