Really funny jokes

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Really funny jokes-Good news
2008-02-08 19:22:00
The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination."Mrs. Smith, I have some good news for you."The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Smith, not Mrs.""Oh. Well, in that case Miss Smith," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."
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Adult humor jokes-Pure wife
2008-02-08 19:15:00
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"She replies "A cock."He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.She replies, "A cock".He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."She laughs and says "No it's not, a c...
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Funny jokes-Social Studies
2008-02-08 19:07:00
One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies class his teacher was talking about peoples last names, about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant they where a baker for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a paper mill, and so on. Then the little boy raised his hand and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?"He said " Not really, more of a question.""Well whats your question?" the teacher asked. "Well," said the little boy, " What did John Hancock do for a living?"
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Adult jokes-Housewife
2008-02-07 19:21:00
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door.When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her.The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides to tells her husband.The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks, "Do you have vagina?""The woman says, "Yes.""The man then responds, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!"
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Humor jokes-Hillary fan
2008-02-07 19:14:00
A grade school teacher in Steuben County asked her class how many of them are "Hillary fans?"Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."The teacher asks why are you a George Bush fan?The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."
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Adult jokes-Really funny conversation
2008-02-02 19:50:00
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,"Notice anything different about me?"Margaret looks him over, "Nope".Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time,"Notice anything different NOW?"Margaret looks up and says,"Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?""Nope", she replies."IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."
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Really funny jokes-Trumpet
2008-02-02 19:47:00
This is a classic joke!!Thanks for the trumpet you gave me for Christmas," Little Pauly said to his Uncle Professor, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got.""That's great," said Uncle Professor. "Do you know how to play it?""Oh, I don't play it," Little Pauly said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.
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Really funny jokes-Car Accident
2008-02-01 19:25:00
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ...Look, He's Moving!"
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Adult humor jokes-Heat of things
2008-02-01 19:21:00
Well there's been a lot of complaining , especially in big city fire department over the inclusion in ranks of female fire fighters. The male firemen said it's leading to all kinds of problems on the job.Recently in Chicago, The fire department finally got a huge fire under control, and the Battalion Chief had all of his men accounted for except Jack Riley and Rosie O'Grady.After a few minutes' search, the chief looked down an alley, and there's Rosie, leaning over a trash can. Her pants are down to her boots, and Riley is banging away hell bent for leather, ( or in this case rubber ).The Chief goes epileptic and screams, "What the hell is going on here?"Riley says, "Rosie passed out from smoke inhalation."The chief said, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! "Riley reports, " Well I did, Chief, but in the heat of things, then one thing led to another..."
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Humor jokes-Memory clinic
2008-02-01 19:20:00
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?""Outstanding, " Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me.""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
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Adult humor jokes-Home coming
2008-01-31 19:15:00
After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street."Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?""Yah, I was in the infantry.""Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?""Nej, I wouldn't mind at all.""When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?""I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject."After that, I mean. What did you do after that?""I fucked her again," he answered.The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?""Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."
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Funny jokes-A day in Court
2008-01-31 19:10:00
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?""Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded."Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court.""We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," announced the foreman.The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and...
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Really funny jokes-What are you selling?
2008-01-29 13:07:00
Two Kiwis are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.As yet the store isn't ready...only a few shelves are set up.One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Aussie accent asks, "What're yer sellin' here MATE?"One of the men replies, "We're selling assholes here mate."Without missing a beat, the Aussie says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!"
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Lawyer jokes-Innocent thief!
2008-01-29 13:05:00
A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge."Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"
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Adult jokes-Sperm count !!
2008-01-28 19:34:00
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The o...
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Really funny jokes-Radio broken
2008-01-28 19:29:00
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day."This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?""Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"
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Humor jokes-A pear
2008-01-28 19:26:00
A blonde was passing a fruit stand when she suddenly realized how hungry she was."Give me a pear, please." said the bouncy blonde."That will be fifty cents." said the clerk.She ate the pear, but was still hungry, so she ordered another. Still hungry after the second pear, she ordered an apple. After eating the apple she was finally full and wanted a drink, but found that she didn't have enough money left."Darn it!" she said to herself, "If I had ordered the apple first I would still have enough money left for that drink!"
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Adult jokes-Sex on first date
2008-01-26 10:20:00
"Hey Doug," said Bill, "did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?""Damned right!" replied Doug. "I count on it."
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Funny jokes-Good choice!!
2008-01-26 10:15:00
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.
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Really funny jokes-The Blonde Police Applicant
2008-01-25 18:17:00
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?""Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?""Ummm... 10!" the blonde says."Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?""Ummm... I don't know," she admits."Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job."Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"
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Humor jokes-Football match up in Heaven
2008-01-25 18:15:00
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. This goes on and on with both arguing who would field the best team.Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven ."But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "but we've got all the officials!"
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Adult humor jokes-Brokeback bar
2008-01-23 19:10:00
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar."What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the barcalls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who jus...
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Really funny jokes-Man Loses his "Manhood"
2008-01-23 19:07:00
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite rejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
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Really Funny jokes-"We Haven't Had Any"
2008-01-16 19:12:00
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way."Now, what was it she wanted?"The clerk answered, "Snow."
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Humor jokes-Fast driver
2008-01-16 19:10:00
My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car."I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer."What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
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Adult jokes-Cow-girl
2008-01-15 19:10:00
An attractive cow-girl was traveling from Ft. Worth to Houston, Texas. On the same train was a northerner. (This was obvious because he was carrying a briefcase that had his name and New York engraved on it). The northerner struck up a conversation and proposed a rendezvous at a Houston hotel. "We'll not only have lots of fun," he said, "but I'll give you $50.00."The cow-girl rose, her eyes flashing, but before she could answer, a tall, lanky cowboy pulled out a revolver from a hidden holster and shot the northerner dead.While the gun was still smoking, he turned to the others in the car and shouted, "Well, now, are there any more damn Yankees here who want to raise the price of women in Texas?"
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Really Funny jokes-Wife duties !
2008-01-15 19:05:00
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swel...
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Humor jokes-My Living Will
2008-01-15 19:02:00
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
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Really funny jokes-Texan in Irish pub
2008-01-08 10:48:00
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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Funny jokes-Rolls Royce
2008-01-08 10:41:00
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce . The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator. "The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls- Royce sped away, and went straight t...
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