Really funny jokes

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Really funny jokes-Guide dogs
2008-06-09 09:06:00
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside.""But this is my guide dog," says the man."A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter."Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered.""Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man."Oh y...
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Doctor jokes-The cure
2008-06-09 09:05:00
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard."Cure d her hiccups though, didn't it?"
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Humor jokes-Last meal
2008-06-09 09:04:00
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.The Newf requests a plate of strawberries."STRAWBERRIES ????""Yes, Strawberries."He is told "But they are out of season!""So, I'll wait."
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Adult jokes-Nick The Dragon Slayer
2008-06-08 09:04:00
Far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the...
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Really funny jokes-The worst hijacking
2008-06-07 09:05:00
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied."Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
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Short humor jokes-Responsible
2008-06-07 09:04:00
In this job we need someone who is responsible, " said the employer."Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
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Adult jokes-'Mississippi Blonde'
2008-06-06 09:02:00
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000)on a single roll of the dice.She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and squealed'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,'What did she roll?'The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'Moral of the story:(1) Not all Southerners are stupid.(2) Not all blondes are dumb.(3) But all men... are men
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Really funny jokes-Genie
2008-06-06 09:01:00
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared."I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.""Poof!" said the genie."You're a housewife."
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Funny adult jokes-Rent paid
2008-06-05 09:05:00
?That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,? the housewife told a neighbour.?You didn?t do it, did you???I have to admit I did? though with certain misgivings, I might add.What I haven?t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!?
More About: Jokes , Funny , Paid , Adult , Rent

Really funny jokes-Extra tests
2008-06-05 09:04:00
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird fr...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Extra , Tests

Adult funny jokes-Hunting Dog
2008-06-04 09:06:00
This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."The guy says "OK, let's see it again."The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Adult , Hunting

Doctor jokes-Pill
2008-06-04 09:05:00
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill. Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water."Okay," he said, "Just drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
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Kids jokes-Comb
2008-06-04 09:04:00
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."Teacher: "Use your dad's then."Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
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Adult jokes-A Girl for Me
2008-06-03 09:06:00
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted fir...
More About: Jokes , Girl , Adult

Really funny jokes-Hate to go to school
2008-06-03 09:05:00
One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Hate , School

Humor jokes-Can't sleep
2008-06-03 09:04:00
It's 3:00 A.M. and Mona wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him."You know our next door neighbor, Patel. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.I don't know what I'm going to do." Mohinder replies.Mona gets out of bed and opens the window. "Patel!" she shouts, and several times more, "Patel! Patel!" Finally a very groggy Patel opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it? It's 3 AM, what do you want?"Mona says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."She then slams the window shut and turns to Mohinder and says, "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."
More About: Jokes , Humor , Sleep

Really funny jokes-Mike is dead
2008-06-02 09:05:00
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!""Woah, what the hell happened to him?""Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.""What a horrible way to die!""No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.""What a way to go, that's terrible!""No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto th...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Dead

Short humor jokes-Gangster's son
2008-06-02 09:04:00
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
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Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?
2008-06-01 14:18:00
Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft Subject: Problems with my new computerDear Mr. Bill Gates,We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,which I want to bring to your notice.1. There is a button ' start ' but there is no ' stop ' button. We request you to check this.2. We find there is ' Run ' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.3. One doubt is whether any ' re-scooter ' is available in system? I find only ' re-cycle ' , but I own a scooter at my home.4. There is ' Find ' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find ' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.5. My child learnt ' Microsoft word ' now he wants to learn ' Microsoftsentence ' , so when you will provide that?6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and...
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Funny adult jokes-Candidate in Legislature
2008-06-01 09:04:00
A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections - so much so that they communicate about everything in political language.One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature. "The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this."The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature. "The husband replied, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Adult , Legislature , Candidate

Really funny jokes-New car
2008-05-31 09:06:00
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
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Office jokes-New secretary
2008-05-31 09:05:00
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.She ignored the telephone when it rang."You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably."All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
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Blonde jokes-Speeding ticket
2008-05-31 09:04:00
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
More About: Jokes , Blonde , Speeding , Ticket

Adult funny jokes-Two main secrets
2008-05-30 09:06:00
Angelina says: "Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, is disa true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"Giuseppi says: "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man. I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life: Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up!"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Main , Secrets , Adult

Really funny jokes-Natural Death
2008-05-30 09:05:00
After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside."Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked."Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Natural , Death

Humor jokes-Nuts
2008-05-30 09:04:00
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".
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Adult jokes-Desperate boyfriend
2008-05-29 09:06:00
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?""What? You're crazy!" she said."Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you.""Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody...""At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, I really need it.""I've already said NO, and NO is final!""Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too.""NO!!! I've said NO!!!"Desperate ly, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder.Rubbing her eyes she says, "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can...
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Really funny jokes-Life and Death Statistics
2008-05-29 09:05:00
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?""Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Life , Statistics , Death

Kids jokes-New baby
2008-05-29 09:04:00
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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Adult funny jokes-Dating in the 50's
2008-05-14 09:09:00
It's the summer of 1956 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, 'Whaaaat?''Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.Almos...
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