Really Funny Jokes

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Adult jokes-Golfing Relief
2008-03-28 17:45:00
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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Short funny jokes-Girls
2008-03-28 17:38:00
Girls are like Internet domain names...The ones I like are already taken.
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Really funny jokes-Barber
2008-03-27 17:51:00
I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?""No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."
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Blonde jokes-Drinks
2008-03-27 17:48:00
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."Bartender: "What is a B and C?"Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."Bartender: "What's a G and T?"Redhead: "Gin and tonic."Blonde : "I'll have a 15."Bartender: "What's a 15?"Blonde: "7 and 7"
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Adult funny jokes-Chicken farmer
2008-03-26 18:03:00
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?""I'm a lady of the night," she says.The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl.""No, that still won't work. Try again."They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?""Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year...""Chicken farmer it is."
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Really funny jokes-Husband's deadly plan
2008-03-26 18:01:00
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an un-happy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have her killed.A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &...
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Adult jokes-Deflate a man's ego
2008-03-12 09:55:00
Q; What three words can totally deflate a man's ego?A: Is it in?
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Funny jokes-Mistress blues
2008-03-12 09:11:00
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?""Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.""Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!""I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm."Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife."That's his mistress," says her husband."Ours is prettier!" says the wife.
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Sardar jokes-Nobel prize
2008-03-12 08:09:00
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled."Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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Funny adult jokes-50th Anniversary
2008-03-11 17:41:00
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished."
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Doctor jokes-Long life
2008-03-11 17:38:00
My friend Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor ," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah.""We'll try," he replied compassionately.In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding.""We'll do our best," he replied.And my friend happily attended her granddaughter' s wedding.Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?""Yes.""And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter' s wedding?""Yes.""Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattre...
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Really funny jokes-Portrait
2008-03-11 17:36:00
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.""But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things.""I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
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Adult funny jokes-Romantic couple
2008-03-07 19:05:00
A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice. They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair. The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out. However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively. The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."
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Really funny jokes-Elaborate funeral
2008-03-07 19:01:00
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend."Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said."I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?""All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand.""No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!""Two and a half carats."
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Adult humor jokes-Condoms
2008-03-05 19:12:00
A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.She asked, 'What size condoms?'The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel , picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never h...
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Really funny jokes-The three sons
2008-03-05 19:10:00
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!""Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.""Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know wha...
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Adult humor jokes-The old man
2008-02-18 19:21:00
Upon reaching 65, old Gary decided to retire.After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he goes and does something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.Old Gary obliged and went out for a couple of hours.When he got home Pat asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.""What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?""Yeah, look I even got a membership card.""Old man!!!!!, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!""Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
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Short funny jokes-Clock in jail
2008-02-18 19:14:00
Q: Why can't you keep a clock in jail?A: Because time is always running out.
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Funny jokes-The lottery
2008-02-18 19:05:00
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
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Humor jokes-Night stealing
2008-02-18 05:35:00
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper."I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.The next night it was the same, and the night after that.Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. T...
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Really funny jokes-Old goats
2008-02-12 19:45:00
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making.Explaining that goats milk was used. she showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?".A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours"
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Adult humor jokes-For old times sake
2008-02-12 19:24:00
A man ran into his ex-wife at a restaurant in New York. Being a sophisticated person, he said to her, "Would you be interested in making love ONE more time, for old times' sake?"She said "Over MY dead body."And he said, "Why not? That's the way we always USED to do it."
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Funny jokes-Windy
2008-02-12 19:09:00
George set out on a very windy day to see his friend Sam who was sick in bed.Hours later, he pulled his weary body into Sam's house. Sam asked him how it was.''I'll tell ya, it was just brutal. For every step I took forwards, I fell back two steps.''''Then how ever did you make it over here?'' Sam asked.''Well, finally I gave up, so I turned around and headed for home.''
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Really funny jokes-The three patients
2008-02-11 19:25:00
One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't...
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Humor jokes-Jury exemption
2008-02-11 19:19:00
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age."You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said."I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year.""You have to do it every year," she was told."Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
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Adult jokes-Lemon squeeze
2008-02-06 19:27:00
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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Really funny jokes-The Farmer's offer
2008-02-06 19:25:00
A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 a piece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.The farm...
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Humor jokes-The Special day
2008-02-06 19:15:00
"I bet you don't know what day this is," said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
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Adult funny jokes-the secret
2008-02-05 19:21:00
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God`s sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you`re starting to look like an asshole!"
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Really funny jokes-The problem
2008-02-05 19:16:00
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens. When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something."What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?""It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!""Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?""I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!""So what's wrong?""I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes.""Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired."No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."
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