Really Funny Jokes

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Really funny jokes-A perfect couple!
2008-01-11 09:35:00
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?The perfect woman survived.She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.****Women, stop reading here, this is ...
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Humor jokes-Looking for liars
2008-01-11 09:22:00
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
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Really funny jokes-Clever Mom
2008-01-10 09:13:00
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?''Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000''That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???''Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'
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Adult jokes-Boston Irish
2008-01-10 09:09:00
Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish , and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub."Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!""Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 year."
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Humor jokes-Married 52 years
2008-01-10 09:07:00
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man."Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.""No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
More About: Jokes , Humor , Years , Married

Really funny jokes-Grief-stricken at grave
2008-01-09 11:01:00
The grief-stricken man threw himself at the grave and cried bitterly, "My wife, oh how senseless is it! How worthless this carcass about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different."A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you.""Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
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Adult jokes-Sick men
2008-01-09 10:59:00
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick tha...
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Humor jokes-Mom eats birds
2008-01-09 10:57:00
Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly' !"
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Really funny jokes-Sardar's suicide
2008-01-05 09:23:00
A Sardar decided to kill his unfaithful wife and himself. He put the gun on his own forehead and told his wife while pulling the trigger,"Don't feel so glad about this, next its your turn!!!
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Adult jokes-Sex boutique
2008-01-05 09:21:00
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?""No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
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Kids jokes-The whale
2008-01-05 09:08:00
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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Adult joke - Virgin Bride
2008-01-04 13:44:00
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?""OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.And then they made love for the first time.Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."Limply turning his head,...
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Sardar jokes-Engine failure
2008-01-04 11:09:00
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Delhi to Kolkata, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry. We can fly just fine on two engines."An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry. We still have one engine left."A young Sardar passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
More About: Jokes , Engine , Failure , Sardar jokes

Really funny jokes-Golfer's Brother-in-Law
2008-01-04 11:08:00
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try"."That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help"."He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?""Of course I did!""Where did it go?" says Arthur."I can't remember"
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Funny jokes-Equal Opportunity !
2008-01-04 11:07:00
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.By this time, the manager was...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Opportunity , Equal , Unit

Adult joke - Five dollars
2008-01-03 12:56:00
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties.""OOOOhhhh" said the little girl.The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,"Mommy, I got ten dollars."The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree."The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "It's ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."
More About: Joke , Adult , Dollars

Really funny jokes-Can little girls have babies?
2008-01-03 11:16:00
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?""No," said his mom, "Of course not."Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Girls , Babies

More jokes on Drinking-Cheers!
2008-01-03 11:14:00
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this....... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster & more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Humor jokes-Amazing quotes on Drinking!
2008-01-03 11:08:00
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."~ Jack Handy-------"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day"~Frank Sinatra-------"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."~ Henny Youngman-------"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."~ Stephen Wright-------"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke-------"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants...
More About: Jokes , Humor , Quotes , Drinking , Amazing

Really funny jokes-Out on a limb......
2008-01-02 12:38:00
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.""Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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Adult jokes-Fly
2008-01-02 12:23:00
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."
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Really funny jokes-Revival meeting
2008-01-02 06:10:00
On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."The next night the revival tent is only half full.After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in with- out the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full.After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have b...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Meeting , Viva , Revival

Sardar jokes-Puzzle
2008-01-02 06:05:00
Two Sard ar walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later, another Sardar walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.Finally, another Sardar walks in with what looks like a picture. He puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days!51 days!!The Bartender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Puzzle . He walks over to one of the Sardar and asks, "What on earth are you doing??""Well," the Sardar says, "everyone thinks Sardar are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
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SMS jokes
2008-01-01 13:09:00
Enjoy following 4 funny SMS Jokes .What is the similarity between BRA and BAR ?Ans : Both are the places where men go crazy when they are open.Thank you for ur support last year.With ur help we have achieved good sales.Pleased with ur kind support"M.D.Beverages Corporation"2day's forecast says there'll be heavy rain in ur area.Pls don't miss the chance ..........take a bath.Father : What were the 2 hardest things u learned in college?Son : Opening beer bottles with teeth and lighting cigarettes with only one match left in heavy wind.

Humor jokes-Taxi driver
2007-12-31 11:02:00
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
More About: Jokes , Humor , Taxi Driver , Driver , Taxi

Adult jokes-The Maid
2007-12-29 09:10:00
The Maid asked for a pay raise.Madam was very upset about this and asked:'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you .Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?Maria: 'The Master said so.Madam: 'Oh.Maria. 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?Maria: 'The Master did.? Madam.Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE
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Really funny jokes-Polish immigrant
2007-12-29 09:07:00
One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?""No," replied the nervous immigrant."Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?""No.""Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?""No.""Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer."Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"
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Adult Joke - Barber
2007-12-28 11:34:00
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."The guy leaves.A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."The guy leaves.The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
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Really funny jokes-Discoveries
2007-12-28 08:58:00
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.Man discovered colors, invented painting.Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.Man discovered speech, invented conversation.Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.Man discovered agriculture, invented food.Woman discovered food, invented diet.Man discovered friendship, invented love.Woman discovered love, invented marriage.Man discovered trade, invented money.Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
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Humor jokes-Beer
2007-12-28 08:57:00
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot.His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered."I don't know how you can drink this stuff!""Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
More About: Jokes , Humor , Beer