Really Funny Jokes

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Humor jokes-Great truths that little children have learned
2007-12-13 13:20:00
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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Really funny jokes-Do you know the time?
2007-12-06 09:10:00
Some Americans were traveling through Mexico when one of them saw a man on the ground having a siesta. "Excuse me, sir,"the American said. "Do you know the time?"The Mexican looked at the American. The he reached over and held the donkey's balls and appeared to weigh them in his hand."Ten after two," he said, at last."My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him. "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again the guy reached for the donkey's balls. Again, he seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, "Twenty-one minutes past two."The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over, "Listen," he confided, "I'll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that."The Mexican thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dol...
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Lawyer jokes
2007-12-06 09:09:00
Q: How does an attorney sleep?A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?A: Only three; the rest are true stories.Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulbQ: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Three; one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.Q: Why do we have lawyers?A: To make used car salesmen look good.Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?A: Senator.
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Short humor jokes-Choices
2007-12-06 09:03:00
Wife : Do you want dinner?Husband:Sure, what are my choices?Wife :Yes and no.
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Funny jokes- Humor with Waiters
2007-12-06 09:01:00
Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.~~~~~~Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.~~~~~~Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.~~~~~~Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
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Humor jokes-Marriage Councelor
2007-12-05 11:49:00
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?""Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000.""What about my furniture? I paid for that.""Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended o...
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Clean jokes-Wife Rules!
2007-12-05 11:48:00
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said,"I do."Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
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Short blonde jokes
2007-12-05 10:16:00
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide.""I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
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funny Adult joke - Husband
2007-12-05 10:11:00
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"She frowned and said, "The postman.""Why the postman?""Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
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Sardar jokes - Weight loss
2007-12-04 10:47:00
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he wouldlose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight,but he had a problem."What's the problem?" asked the doctor.I'm 2400 kms from home.
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Short sardarji joke - Accident
2007-12-04 10:44:00
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!Sard ar : Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
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Humor jokes-Without glasses
2007-12-04 10:42:00
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.""Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you look pretty good, too!"
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Really funny jokes-The envelopes
2007-12-04 10:41:00
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds four envelopes.On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered one to three.He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second and envelope three third."The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back and forgets about them.Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes.So, he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved and everybody's happy.A few months later, another strike hits.He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It read...
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Funny jokes-Little old man
2007-12-04 10:40:00
A women saw a wizzened little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life"?He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?He replied, "Twenty six".
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Animal jokes-the dog
2007-12-03 12:13:00
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while."I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.""Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
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Short funny jokes-Lonely frog
2007-12-03 12:09:00
A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?""No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
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Adult Humor Picture - Mushroom
2007-12-03 12:08:00
For Heaven's SakeWill someone tell her ,It's a mushroom !
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Really funny jokes-The dying Priest
2007-12-03 12:06:00
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near."Yes, Father?" said the nurse"I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest."I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left.There was silence and a look of serenity on the old...
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Funny jokes-Is it Male or Female?
2007-12-03 05:31:00
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears Useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in Pairs.TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.HOT AIR BALLOON -- male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.ZIP LOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people u...
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Humor jokes-Never had an argument
2007-12-03 05:30:00
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years.""Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?""I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
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Really funny jokes-The Speech
2007-11-29 11:02:00
Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings.So one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said"I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?"Einstein agreed.When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffers uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall.The chauffeur took his place on the podium, and effortlessly delivered the speech, and invited the audience to ask questions.He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said"Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"
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Clean jokes-The Big Sale
2007-11-29 11:00:00
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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Funny jokes-The mugger
2007-11-28 12:08:00
Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs."Give me your money!" he demanded.Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!""In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
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Really funny jokes-Texas Parish
2007-11-28 12:07:00
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.The conversation went like this:"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?""And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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Short humor jokes-Way to Post Office
2007-11-27 12:57:00
A Priest wanted to go to the post office. He asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office. The Priest said to the boy" Thank you. Come to the Church tomorrow and I will show you the way to heaven. The boy turned andn said"But you don't even know the way to the post office".
More About: Jokes , Humor , Office , Post , Post Office

Kids jokes-Bible
2007-11-27 12:55:00
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible . He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages."Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.""What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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Funny jokes-Prize
2007-11-27 12:51:00
Bubba and Billy Bob were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.The following week, when the raffle was drawn each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the Neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?""Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
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Really funny jokes-FBI test
2007-11-26 11:32:00
For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said,?We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!?The man said, ?You can?t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!?The agent said, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.?The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.? The agent said, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.?Finally, it was the female applicant?s turn. She was given the same instructions- to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. T...
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Humor jokes-Fast watch
2007-11-26 11:31:00
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?""No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the- art watch and I was testing it."Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the- art watch? What's so special about it?""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains."What's it telling you now?""Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
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Teacher jokes-Teaching today
2007-11-26 11:29:00
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right."You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits."You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem."You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job."I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for their elders and future...
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