Really Funny Jokes

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Adult jokes-Unfaithful
2007-11-26 05:37:00
After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?""Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?""Well, er, yes - but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed."Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?""Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time.""And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time.""OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole?"The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for President of the Housing Society and you needed 125 votes?"
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Funny jokes-The pirate Captain
2007-11-26 05:36:00
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant."It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out.""That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned."Get my brown pants."
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Short funny jokes-Difference
2007-11-21 11:27:00
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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Sardar jokes-Santa in heaven
2007-11-21 11:26:00
Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".2. How many seconds are there in a year?Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.2. There are 12 seconds in a year.Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."Saint Peter lets him in without another word"
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Humor jokes-Bill Gates in Hell
2007-11-21 11:24:00
Satan greets him: "welcome mr. Gates , we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, i'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.Satan takes bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To bill's delight, he sees a pc in the corner. Without hesitation, bill says "i'll take this option.""Fine," says satan, allowing bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after bill.As he turns around, he bumps into lucifer. "That was bill gates!" Cried lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!""That's what everyone thinks" snickered satan."The bottle ha...
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Humor jokes-Heaven and Hell
2007-11-18 12:01:00
HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE:*AN AMERICAN SALARY**A BRITISH HOME**CHINESE FOOD**AN INDIAN WIFE*HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE:**AN AMERICAN WIFE**BRITISH FOOD**CHINESE HOME**AN INDIAN SALARY
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Really funny jokes-Pregnancy Q & A and more!
2007-11-18 12:00:00
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy.Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
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Kids jokes-The little fireman
2007-11-14 05:30:00
One day a fireman was washing his fire engine and conscious of someone behind him turned round to see a little boy with a fireman's outfit on sitting in a little cart he had painted red.He had a rope tied round a dogs neck and a rope tied round a cats testicles.The fireman said to the boy that his cart would go faster if he tied the rope that was round the cats testicles round the cats neck.The little boy thought for a moment and told the fireman the cart would go faster but then he wouldn't have a siren.
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Funny jokes-High expectations ! ! !
2007-11-14 05:28:00
It was professor smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro. To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said,"Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said,"Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query. This time he located a male student Henry, ...
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Humor joke - Mail
2007-11-13 05:45:00
A man was in his front garden mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"To which she replied, "There certainly is!"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
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Really funny jokes-The Spoon
2007-11-13 05:41:00
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. ..Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff hadspoons in their pockets.When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?""Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting,experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours ...
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Short humor jokes-Sense of humor
2007-11-12 04:59:00
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
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Detective jokes-following you
2007-11-12 04:58:00
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?""Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out- of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?""No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
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Funny jokes-Hooting like Owl!
2007-11-12 04:57:00
Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England, hooting like an owl -- and one night, an owl called back to him.For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.Rowe even kept a log of the "conversation. "Just as Rowe thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next door neighbour, Nancy Hollis. "My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe."That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John."Then it dawned on them.
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Humor jokes-Cannibal humor
2007-11-12 04:54:00
What do cannibals make out of politicians?Bologna sandwiches.-----What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?The cold shoulder.-----Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?-----Cannibal 's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
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Short humor jokes-The waiter
2007-11-08 05:57:00
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
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Teacher jokes-The difference
2007-11-08 05:55:00
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"Only one hand shot up."Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher."'Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
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Adult jokes-ex wife's husband
2007-11-08 05:49:00
A recently-divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband.Having had more than a few drinks,he said in a condescending tone,"So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?'"The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first few inches is brand new!"
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Humor jokes-The educated blonde
2007-11-07 12:01:00
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."
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Really funny jokes-Survival weekend
2007-11-07 11:59:00
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide tocgo on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.Night falls. First up - the SAS.They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.Next up - the Para's.They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charr...
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Teacher jokes
2007-11-07 09:17:00
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!--------------Teacher: "Where were u born?"Student: " Singapore , Sir."Teacher: "Which part?"Student: "All of me, Sir."
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Humor jokes-Dear Diary
2007-11-07 09:16:00
DEAR DIARY: DAY ONEAll packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-upReally excited.-----DEAR DIARY: DAY TWOEntire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man-----DEAR DIARY: DAY THREEIn the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honorued and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.-----DEAR DIARY: DAY FOURWon $80 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.-----DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVEPool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me severallarge drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn'...
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Humor jokes-The wife's role
2007-11-06 13:23:00
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: " Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man'swish.The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the sch...
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Kids jokes-C level
2007-11-06 13:22:00
A boy came home from school with his exam results."What did u get?" asked his father."My marks are under water," said the boy."What do u mean 'under water'?""They are all below 'C' (sea) level"
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Adult jokes-The brothel
2007-11-06 13:20:00
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
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Sardar jokes-Who dunnit
2007-11-06 05:17:00
The judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this case?No, your honor," replied Banta, "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who done it.
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Really funny jokes-Pet names
2007-11-06 05:16:00
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, " That is really nice, after all these years that you havebeen married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."Morris hung his head and whispered, " To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
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Adult jokes-The 11th Husband
2007-11-06 05:13:00
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin"."What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?""Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me."Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was h...
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Humor jokes-The savior
2007-11-05 10:51:00
A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers."But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"
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Affair jokes-Detective services
2007-11-05 10:40:00
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee."I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
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