Really Funny Jokes

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Adult jokes-Honeymoon Trip
2008-05-16 09:06:00
John and Jane got married. They planned to honeymoon in Jane's aunt's place. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.After about 30 minutes the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel.John said to Jane, "Jane, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"Jane replied, "No. I want to wait till we get to aunt's place."The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road it broke down again. This time it was next to a good-looking motel.John turned to Jane and asked, "Look Jane. There's a nice motel. Can we consummate our marriage?"Jane said, "No. I want to wait till we get to aunt's place."The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road the bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.Jane turned to John, "I think we should go back into the woods and do it."Later when they returned the bus, John asked Jane, "Earlier we were next to a nice hotel ...
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Really funny jokes-Bad fight!
2008-05-16 09:05:00
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened."Well, Dad," said Pete, " I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.""Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair.""I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
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Funny adult jokes-My first time
2008-05-15 09:07:00
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.'Well...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Time , Adult , First Time

Really funny jokes-Scottish soldier
2008-05-15 09:06:00
A Scottish soldier in full military dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.How much for a new one?''Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.'
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Blonde jokes-Logic
2008-05-15 09:04:00
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida.???"
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Really funny jokes-Preacher's baby
2008-05-02 10:26:00
There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby, so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.After 6 children this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children would cost the church. Finally the preacher got up and spoke tothe crowd,"Children are a gift from God, he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said." rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much ofit, we wear rubbers, and the congregation said, "Amen"
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Humor jokes-Bee inconspicuous
2008-05-02 10:01:00
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going."Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey.""No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.""Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be.""Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee."That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
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Adult jokes-Nurse Nancy
2008-05-02 07:15:00
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''
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Really funny jokes-Dentist's thinking
2008-05-01 10:12:00
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
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Blonde jokes-Reckon Mom is a Blonde?
2008-05-01 10:10:00
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened."Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom.""Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
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Adult funny jokes-Indian names
2008-04-30 19:01:00
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
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Really funny jokes-Blonde humor
2008-04-30 19:00:00
One day, a blond and her male co-worker are sitting in the lunch room, and the guy says, "I can't take anymore today, I am going home!" The blond replies, "You can't just get up and leave. You'll be fired!". "Not to worry, I am going to be sent home. I have an idea." the guy says and leaves the room.The blond finishes her lunch and heads back into work, to see her co-worker hanging upside down from the ceiling, yelling over and over, "I'm a lightbulb!". The owner hears this and comes down. He takes one look at the guy, hanging upside down, yelling he is a lightbulb, and sends him home for the rest of the day, with pay, so he can rest, because he has obviously been working to hard.The guy gets down off the ceiling, thanks the owner and leaves.The blond turns around and starts to leave. The owner yells to her, "Hey where the heck do you think you are going?" The blond replies, "I'm going home. You can't expect me to work in the dark!"
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Adult jokes-Priceless
2008-04-29 19:30:00
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.""And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked."You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." she responded.Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on Cop's face.......... PRICELESS
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Really funny jokes-Skinny Dippers
2008-04-29 19:25:00
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."
More About: Jokes , Funny , Skinny

Short funny jokes-Love
2008-04-29 19:24:00
Girl: Do you love me?Boy: Yes DearGirl: Would you die for me?Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Adult jokes-Condom Slogans
2008-04-09 19:13:00
1. Cover your stump before you hump2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker3. Don't be silly, protect your willy4. When in doubt, shroud your spout5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick12. If you go into heat, package your meat13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool18. The right selection will protect your erection19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil20. A crank with armor will never harm her21. No glove, no love !
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Really funny jokes-Woman's revenge
2008-04-09 18:49:00
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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Really funny jokes-Black eye
2008-04-08 19:16:00
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!""But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled t out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
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Blonde jokes-Jack's telephone number
2008-04-08 19:15:00
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
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Kids jokes-Teacher's Pet
2008-04-08 19:13:00
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!""That's right!" shouted the little boy.Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!""That's right!" shouted the little girl.The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it."Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue."Is it champagne?" she asked."No," the boy answered."What is it?" she said."A puppy!"
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Adult funny jokes-Married in 70's
2008-04-07 19:18:00
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.In the mea...
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Really funny jokes-What Do Retired People Do All Day?
2008-04-07 19:16:00
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.An old man once told us......Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Adult jokes-At Cocktail party
2008-04-05 19:14:00
Three young women are at a cocktail party.The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing."After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed ...
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Really funny jokes-Bad news, good news, great news!
2008-04-05 19:10:00
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.''Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb. snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'
More About: News , Jokes , Funny , Good News , Bad News

Humor jokes-Faithful husband
2008-04-05 19:09:00
Sylvia and Theresa were shopping when Sylvia volunteered that her husband was a completely faithful man. "He never so much as looks at another woman," she said.It's the same with my Harold," Theresa said. "He's too good, too decent, too kind and....too old."
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Really funny jokes-Hard of hearing
2008-04-04 19:01:00
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear!"
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Blonde jokes-Engine trouble!
2008-04-04 18:59:00
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
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Adult funny jokes-Foreplay
2008-03-31 17:52:00
After Sundays game, Norman figured he`d better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbsupstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed."Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run.""How about Foreplay?" his wife replies."What`s the Four Play?" says Todd."You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
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Report card
2008-03-31 17:50:00
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Nokia SMS
2008-03-30 09:04:00
Received following funny SMS on NOKIA cellphone. Enjoy! Who is great? It's uWho is smart? It's uWho is sweetest? It's uWho is jolly? It's uWho is lying? Of course, it's me.6 facts on Earth1st fact : U can't touch all ur teeth with ur tongue.2nd fact : After reading this , all fools will try it.3rd fact : Now u will smiles Bcoz u have become a fool.4th fact : Now u want 2 fool ur friends.5th fact : Now u forward it 2 all fools.6th fact : Fact 1 is false.Dying man asks his wife.Our 4th son always looked different from the other 3 , did he have a different father ?Wife : yes .Man : Whose it ?Wife : YoursTruth of life : "Mother's tears hit your heart and Wife's tears hit your pocket."
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