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Why Men Are Never Depressed
2008-01-24 04:59:00
Hopefully this will shed some light to us ladies out there on why men are never depressed, cause at the end of the day, men are just happier people - What do you expect from such simple (and proud of it) creatures?Your last name stays put.The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves.Chocolate is just another snack.You can be President.You can never be pregnant.You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.You can wear NO shirt to a water park.Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal.You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about Tanks (Sherman? Tiger? T70?).A five-day vacation only requires one s...
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Good Investment Tips
2008-01-11 05:59:00
Went to a party recently and bumped into an old University friend of mine - who, not surprisingly had become an Investment Analysts. Decided to take advantage of the situation and quickly pulled my wise old buddy aside, for some good investment tips of course. Some great tips here, have a read (or should I say, have a laugh!!!) :If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would be now worth $49.00With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left on the original $1,000With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 leftIf you would have purchased $1,000 of Delta Airlines stock, you would have $49.00 leftBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund ....... You would have had $214.00.So based on the above pointers, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle!!!
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Jeff Dunham - Achmed The Dead Terrorist
2008-01-08 19:58:00
Someone recently introduced me to this great ventriloquist - Jeff Dunham. I practically fell off my chair laughing, watching his stand-up comedy videos. This particular one is based on a so-called "dead terrorist", that goes by the name of Achmed. He does a wonderful job on this video and I thought it would be a great idea to share it with all of you as well.I know I'm really late with this, but anyway ..... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! everyone.I really missed you guys, a lot! Hope you enjoy the video :)
More About: Video , Comedy , Jokes , Funny , Dead

The Newlyweds
2007-11-08 16:48:00
A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.When she gets to the bathroom door, he openes the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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The Story About Snow White, Tom Thumb and Don Juan
2007-11-02 04:43:00
Snow White , Tom Thumb and Don Juan were talking one day. Snow White said she was the fairest of them all and the other two disagreed. Tom Thumb said he was the smallest of everyone and the other two disagreed. Don Juan said he has had more women than anyone and the other two disagreed again.They then went to see Merlin, and Snow White went into his office and came right out and said she was the fairest of them all. Tom Thumb went in and came out right away and said he was the smallest of them all.Don Juan went in and 3 hours later came out screaming, "Who the heck is this Clinton guy?"
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Who Dominates, Husbands Or Wives ?
2007-10-30 05:55:00
During a group counseling course, husbands were separated from their wives and were told to stand in line. Husbands who were dominated by their wives were to stand in line on the right, while those who dominated their wives were to stand in line on the left.There was a very long line on the left, while only one man stood on the right.The counselor asked, "Can you tell the group as to why you believe you deserve to be on this line?""I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
More About: Jokes , Funny , Wives , Mina

Never Argue In Bed
2007-10-25 16:56:00
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest."How much is it?" she asked."One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so."But it comes with an inscription," he said."What kind of inscription?" she asked."Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN' ""Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
More About: Golf , Wife , Argue

Truck Driver Who Runs Over Lawyers
2007-10-21 18:13:00
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer, he swerved to hit him, waited to hear a loud "THUMP" and swerved back to the road. One day, as the truck driver was tooling along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.He asked, "Where are you going, Father?""I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest."No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in."The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. The trucker saw a lawyer walking along and instinctively swerved to hit him. But remembering there was a priest in the truck, he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he heard a loud "THUD" and glanced in the rear-view mirror to see the lawyer laying alongside the road.He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I sw...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Lawyer , Lawyers , Truck

Three Contractors At The Pearly Gates
2007-10-20 08:53:00
Three contractors found themselves arriving at the pearly gates at the same time. St Peter greeted them and told them that the pearly gates were broken and in need of repair. He asked them each for estimates so God may choose a contractor to have the gates repaired.The first contractor, Hugh Henderson, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 300 dollars. St Peter asked for an explanation. He was told 100 dollars was for materials, 100 dollars for labor and another 100 dollars for profit.The second contractor, Andrew Hamilton, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 900 dollars. St Peter asked again and was told 300 dollars was for materials, 300 dollars for labor and another 300 dollars for profit.The third contractor, Mark Rogers, took a look at the gates and announced an estimate of 2300 dollars. St Peter was taken back and asked Mark how he came upon such a high price. Mark took St Peter aside and whispered, "One thousand for me, one thousand for you, and we get H...
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Quick Laughs
2007-10-15 20:43:00
Young Son : Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad : That happens in every country, son.------------------------------------- ------------------------------A man was complaining to a friend : "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then all of a sudden, BAM!, it was all gone!""What happened?" asked his friend."My wife found out ......"---------------------------------- ---------------------------------Sometime s when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver!"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Quick , Laugh

A Guy In His Favorite Bar
2007-10-14 18:45:00
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her for the rest of the night amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time ... she's alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?""Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?""Well, I dunno. What do you charge?""I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there.""$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?""You see the Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside."I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievabl...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Favorite , Prostitute , Favor

Lady, Do You Like Sex ?
2007-10-09 01:17:00
A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady , do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut.The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she likes, and see what happens.The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady, do you like sex?" to which she says, "Yes, I do." The man then tells her, "Well, then tell your husband to make use of you and stay away from my wife."
More About: Jokes , Funny , Wife

Three Couples And A Priest
2007-10-05 20:13:00
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.The priest now went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young m...
More About: Church , Couples , Priest

Garden Of Eden
2007-10-03 22:13:00
One day in the Garden of Eden , Eve calls out to God. "Lord , I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.""Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above."Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.""What's a man, Lord?""This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in a such a way that he will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.""Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Wh...
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Ways To Turn A Small Sale Into A Big Sale
2007-09-29 18:05:00
This new guy gets hired on at a utilities store. The owner puts him through a period of training to teach him to be a good salesman. He says, "The best way to be a good salesman is to take a small sale and turn it into a big sale. For example, do you see the guy coming in the door right now, watch this." The owner goes over to the guy and says, "Sir, can I help you with something?" And the guy says, "Yea, I need a garden hose.""Well, I got just what you need."The owner goes back into the back room for about five minutes and comes back with a wheelbarrow, a rake, a hoe, a pick, a shovel, and a bag of lawn seed with a garden hose on top. The guy says, "What the hell is all of this stuff for I don't need any of this shit?"The owner says, "Listen sir, by the time you go over to your neighbours and borrow the rake and the hoe, and you go over to your mother-in-laws and borrow the wheelbarrow, and the rest of this stuff, you might as well buy it here."The guy says, "You know something, y...
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It's Always Better To Ask First
2007-09-26 18:03:00
After a long nite of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously."No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" he asked."No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is then?" demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Get Doctor's Advice First
2007-09-22 15:15:00
Melinda was a 92 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Greg. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Greg's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."Later that night, Melinda was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!
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Quick Laughs
2007-09-20 16:16:00
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense : "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.""Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- --------Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."-------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- -------------"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man...
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The Watchtower
2007-09-18 20:21:00
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon, the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again, the new man yells do...
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The Wealthy Aristocrat
2007-09-16 16:20:00
A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his family for generations. He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking resemblance to himself. He could not believe that such a similarity could exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk, "Was your mother ever a maid here?"The guest replied, "No, but my father used to be the gardener."
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Best Way To Find Out Who To Marry
2007-09-13 18:54:00
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. What was the best way to find out who to marry? So, he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.The first one goes out and gets a total make-over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and made a conclusion ...... he married the one wit...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Girlfriends , Technorati , Find

Tips On Driving Under The Influence
2007-09-11 17:49:00
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of zero. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Three Wishes For A Man
2007-09-06 17:43:00
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.He happily continues again, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and he turns into...... a box of chocolates.
More About: Technorati , Wish , Wishes , A Man , Three Wishes

Something To Eat
2007-09-02 20:23:00
A hobo came up to the front door of a beautiful house and rapped gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked him, "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."So, the hobo went around back and a while later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already?" The hobo said, "Yes ...... But, it isn't a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
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An Elderly Couple
2007-08-29 05:15:00
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"
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The Japanese Businessmen
2007-08-25 18:56:00
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.She says "What the hell do you guy's think you are doing?"One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"One of the the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED"
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The Psychiatrist And His Patient
2007-08-20 19:45:00
A guy went in to see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation of his problem. The doctor began simply, by saying he would draw a picture on a piece of paper and the patient was supposed to tell him the first thing that came to his mind.The patient said he understood the instructions and the doctor began by drawing a picture of a tree. The man looked at the picture and said, "Sex."The doctor said, "Okay," and then drew a picture of a house. The guy looked again and said, "Sex."This went on the same way with the doctor drawing pictures of a bike, a bird, and a car. The answer was always "Sex, sex, sex."The doctor paused and said to the man, "I think I know what your problem is, you are obsessed with sex!"And the patient replied, "Me?...... You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!!"
More About: Jokes , Funny , Drawing , Technorati , Psychiatrist

Quick Laughs
2007-08-16 17:44:00
Two tiny, gray-haired women in a crowded lift were engrossed in an animated conversation.One of them said loudly, "Well my fantasy has always been to have two men at the same time."There was complete silence as everyone in the lift turned to stare at the woman who had made such an intimate disclosure. Then she laughed and continued, "One would do the cooking and the other would do the cleaning."------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- -------------A well dressed gentlemen entered the bar of a five star restaurant, sat at the bar and ordered four rounds of the most expensive drinks. The bartender served them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumed all four drinks in a matter of seconds.The bartender commented, "Wow, anybody that drinks like that has real problems."The gentleman replied, "If you had what I have, you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asked, "What do you have?""Fifty ...
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Reasons Not To Mess With Children
2007-08-13 19:07:00
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Mark was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Mark".The teacher asked, "What if Mark went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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The Survey
2007-08-07 19:56:00
A sex researcher was doing a survey at a local university. A student said to the sex researcher, "In my case, when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing.""Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis," the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."So the student shrugged, and stuck out his tongue.
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