Up in the Night

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Mission Mompossible
2007-11-02 05:22:00
The other night I watched Missi on Impossible for the first time in years. And as I watched I realized why I will never be a secret agent. Not because I can’t hold my breath for more than five minutes while I defuse a bomb underwater. Not because I can’t scale an elevator shaft in an evening gown. And not even because I’m probably taller (and heavier) than Tom Cruise with Suri on his back. No, not for any of those reasons.I could never be a secret agent because I wouldn’t be able to listen to the entire secret recording without rewinding it. By the time it self-destructed I’d be turning to the person next to me asking, “Did you hear what he just said?”The truth is, I’ve become my mother (bless you, mom!). In order to follow a movie I have to rewind it at least 5 times or ask my children to 1) repeat what’s just been said or 2) turn up the television, again.Now there are valid reasons for this. One is my poor hearing. My mother was right; all that rock music did make...

ALOHAlloween
2007-10-26 07:13:00
I'm going to have to take a break from my blog (officially)--at least from posting regularly. Until I get a better handle on things, I'll only post my column here. You people are great! I hope to be back soon...My children have finally decided what they’re going to be for Halloween this year. Indecisive. Yep. That’s right. They are going to be wishy-washy, can’t-decide, too-late-to-actually-buy-something-at-the -store werechildren.It’s not that they haven’t had ideas. No, they’ve been full of those. Kaleb has already run through the following options: the Avatar, a white ninja, a red ninja, Yoda, Batman, anything with a cape, anything with face paint, anything with a sword. Leah, on the other hand, has tossed around the following: Wonder Woman, a ladybug, a butterfly, anything with makeup, anything with jewelry, and Lilly Lightly Princess of all the Twinkles and Glows. But ask any of them what they want to be today and everyday until Halloween and they’ll say,...
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Thanks for your support!
2007-10-23 05:46:00
To all of you who emailed and have continued to check back, the twins are faring well. Another Cat Scan revealed the bleeding has been contained to one side of the brain which is good news. This little gals seem to have new battles daily, but they're both fighters. I promise to keep everyone posted as I learn more myself. Thanks so much for your prayers!
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Please Pray for My Brother's Babies
2007-10-20 07:19:00
Last Sunday my sister-in-law had twin baby girls, beautiful Ava and Emma. While they were more than two and a half months premature they were life-flighted to a larger hospital in Spokane, WA, where the babies seemed to be doing well. Until today. Apparently Cats Scans indicate that both girls have blood on the brain. You can imagine that we’re all extremely worried, and the burden my brother and sister-in-law, Jeremy and Natalie, currently bear is unimaginable. Please pray for them and their girls. They’ll be running some tests on Sunday morning that will provide them with more information. We’re all praying that information will be hopeful and positive. We’re also praying that Jeremy and Natalie will be granted peace of heart and spirit. If you could, please, offer a prayer for them and their beautiful babies.
More About: Babies , Pray , Babi

Popcorn Cancer
2007-10-19 06:13:00
My mom is worried about me because I'm not posting to my blog. "Mom," I said. "Just call me. You can always call to see how I'm doing." "I know," she said. "But that's your blog. You love your blog."She's so right. The last month or so I've been swamped by life and don't even visit my own blog let alone anyone elses. For those of you who check back periodically, thanks so much for your interest and concern. I'm trying to get to a point where I can return to this community I love. Please forgive my absence. I miss you all and hope to come back for good soon. Until then, here's my latest column. It's all I got for now...So did you hear the news? Apparently butter-flavored microwave popcorn causes lung cancer. Not that I think the Universe is listening or anything, but I take issue with that. Initially they thought only factory workers were coming down with this rare type of lung cancer, called bronchiolitis obliterans or “popcorn workers’ lung” (I’m not making this st...
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Thanks, Long Overdue
2007-10-11 19:46:00
Eileen over at A Life of Triggers gave me this Reflections Award (I heart you, Eileen!). Ain’t it purty? And because Eileen’s blog is so genuine, so open, and reflective, it means even more that the award came from her (please read her blog—she shares so much of herself it makes me cry almost everytime I read it). And to share the love I’m giving this same award to these lovelies…I Can Fly, Just Not Up…I know. I’m always giving Heather awards, but she’s just dandy! And her blog is open and genuine. One of my absolute favorites…Cheerio Road…a blog I’ve recently discovered, Karen’s posts are always so thought-provoking (Plus, she’s a Zen Buddhist Priest. How cool is that!).The Prairie Preacher…who is very open and honest about his life in transition. And doesn’t it just make you happy to read good guy blogs?Now I have to say that as much as I love getting awards, I hate nominating others for them because there are so many bloggers out there that I just lo...
More About: Long , Hank

Back for Now
2007-10-10 19:46:00
Sorry, people. I did, in fact, fall off the face of the earth and have just clawed my way home. Unfortunately, I haven’t been lounging my life away (although if anyone knows where I can apply for THAT job, do tell…). My absence included all of the following: the arrival of my soon-to-be ex in-laws who are temporarily residing in my home, a road trip to Boise, approximately 52 hours of intoxicating family time, three emotional and pseudo psycho outbursts directed at the soon-to-be ex Hub, a broken water heater, and the creation of an underground blog that may have saved my life. Phew. I’m better now.More on all that later…
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Rat + Patootie = Ew!
2007-10-01 08:55:00
It is just me, or are rats gross?Now before I go any further I have to say that I am an avid Pixar fan. Monsters, Inc. is one of my all-time favorite movies. I mean, really, a closet as a monster portal into the human dimension? Clever, right? And the whole Toy Story series with Tom Hanks and Tim Allen as Woody and Buzz? Brilliant! Even the one about the ant colony trying to outwit the grasshopper mafia is fun. But a rat cooking in a famous restaurant? Ew.A little backstory might be necessary. Our first home was a small Victorian over 100 years old. Kaleb was nearly two and Leah about six months old when we realized that the previous occupants of our home had never moved out. We were cohabitating with a large family of mice. They were everywhere, as were their little mousey droppings and their little mousey germs. I was grossed out. I had two babies in my home and a host of vermin threatening our health and livelihood (no, I am not overreacting…okay, maybe I am just a little...).T...
More About: Pato , Tootie

Tooth Fairy Economics
2007-09-29 02:53:00
This week marked my first stint as Tooth Fairy . Kaleb, my oldest, surrendered his third lost tooth and faithfully placed it under his pillow (his first two, which he had decided to keep, were lost somewhere in the house a couple years ago where I’m afraid Zacky snacked on them). Being in an especially generous mood, I replaced this tooth with a five-dollar bill.“Heh, Mom?” he said the next morning. “How come the Tooth Fairy doesn’t give much for teeth these days?” He waved the crisp bill at me as evidence. Apparently, the neighbor boy, who has one year on Kaleb and a couple more lost teeth, gets toys under his pillow.“Five dollars is a lot!” I said. “Do you know I only got a quarter for my teeth?” Later that day a friend of mine echoed those sentiments, telling him, “I was lucky to get a dime.” Suddenly Kaleb turned braggart, telling everyone that his teeth were worth much more than his mother and her friend’s teeth combined.Later that day, while I folded l...
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What Remains
2007-09-23 03:31:00
On Thursday I retained my lawyer and experienced first-hand how one tallies a life. My husband and I have been married eight years, an entire lifetime shared, the result of which are three young, beautiful people. Simple math tells me our marriage represents 30 birthdays, 8 anniversaries, three pregnancies, three births, two apartments, two houses, over 150 Christmas cards, one car accident, three surgeries, two therapists, and now, one divorce decree.And as I sat at the long lacquered table answering my lawyer’s questions, I couldn’t help but wonder how you divvy out a life. Could we really calculate all the spiritual debts and assets that have accrued within that time? Could we tally what’s yours and mine and theirs without ripping, unnaturally, at the center of our lives? As my lawyer applied this surreal formula of delineation I anticipated years of emotional hemorrhaging for all of us. This moment, drawing the lines and boundaries between us, preparing a chart of alternat...
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Phone Etiquette, Part One
2007-09-21 20:05:00
The other night a client called to talk business at 5:15 pm. Now I don’t know about you, but if I were a businessman calling a soon-to-be single, work-at-home mom I probably wouldn’t call at dinnertime. But that’s just me.I was in the middle of making spaghetti and my kids, plus one, were playing in the house. It took awhile to clear them from the kitchen, but quite soon I was carrying on an adult conversation about my freelance work. That is until I heard water running.I asked my client to wait while I checked on my kids. Sure enough they had turned the hose on in the middle of a fair-sized patch of dirt on the side of my house. The water had been on long enough to flood an area big enough for an alligator. A giant, mutant alligator. “Sorry,” I told my client. “My kids just flooded my yard.” Now I’m not sure, but when does proper phone etiquette require you to say, “Is now a bad time?” Apparently not after your children flood your side yard. We conti...
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Weigh in, People
2007-09-18 23:21:00
I’m such a delinquent blogger these days (this freelancing thing is killin’ me) so I thought I’d try to multi-task in this post. Bare with me, folks.My dream (yes, I’m blushing) is to syndicate my column. (Sometimes I wonder if I’m one of those tone-deaf singers auditioning for American Idol. You know the ones. They’re either dressed in drag or uber androgynous performing some frightening dance moves while they sing on, oblivious. That’s me. Only I’m submitting column queries, in drag, oblivious…)So anyway, I’ve gotten positive feedback from two papers so far that have yet to give me a definitive answer. Now I’m of the opinion that editors are not the string-‘em-along type. They don’t know me personally so if they didn’t like my stuff they’d probably just say, “We’re not interested,” and get it over with, right? (I know, I’m such a sucker). So I’ve written a couple follow-up emails with no luck. And that’s when I concluded that since I’ll ...
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A Soon-to-Be Single Mom Manifesto
2007-09-15 07:58:00
These last few months I feel like I’ve had to turn the Winnebago of my life around and head in a completely different direction. The landscape has changed and I’m trying to become accustomed to this new view. During a consultation with a lawyer I was told the people who best endure divorce do so by looking forward, not back. “You need to have a vision,” he said. “Of what you’d like your life to be.”I’ve thought a lot about his advice. So much so that I’ve decided to create this, my Soon-to-Be Single Mom Manifesto . It’s only a draft, as is my life.1. I will continue to work from home.I want to minimize the impact of this divorce on my kids. Divorce is one of those major life changes, right? As is moving. As is going from having a stay-at-home mom to a working mom. As is suddenly having to spend lots of time with a sitter or daycare provider. I figure my kids should only have to endure one of those at a time. The truth is, I’m not raking in the dough as a freelan...

Gee, thanks, Bananas!
2007-09-15 07:00:00
Jenny from Absolutely Bananas gave me this awesome award: Gotta love the graphic (and big, fat, wet kisses--who doesn't love those?). Thanks, Bananas!
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The Toilet Paper Epiphany (from the Way-Too-Much-Information Files)
2007-09-11 21:44:00
I deleted this post after realizing that today was 9/11, but after reading Karen's comment to my new-and-improved September 11th post, decided to repost the toilet-paper epiphany... Just yesterday I had an epiphany while sitting on the porcelain throne. And lest you think I spend unwarranted amounts of time there, it was a toilet-paper related thought and thus, completely justified.I decided that we go through toilet paper all too quickly in my home. As I sat there and replaced yet another toilet paper roll, I realized that I do that approximately once a day. Now I’m no expert on toilet paper consumption, but that seems a titch excessive.So I considered (as I sat and thought) different ways to remedy the problem. Years ago I read a book called The Complete Tightwad Gazette that talked about how to save money and get out of debt. There was an entire section on saving toilet paper, from establishing a rationing rule that dictated how many squares were allowed per function (i.e. 4 s...
More About: Information , Toilet Paper , Toilet , Paper , Files

In Remembrance
2007-09-11 19:24:00
I had to remove another post today when I realized it was far too inappropriate for September 11th. Because I believe we should honor the memories of those who died that day and reflect back on this, the 6th anniversary of 9/11.When I think back to 9/11 I remember exactly what I was doing when I found out; just as I’m sure all of you do. What I remember most, however, is that palpable fear that spread through my body with each report of another assault on our country. I too couldn’t be pried from the coverage as I wondered how I could protect my then newborn son from terrorism. I imagined running from those crumbling buildings with him in my arms. I imagined fleeing the Pentagon, frantically pushing him in a stroller. I imagined sitting on a plane, trying to sooth him with a trembling whisper. In a weakened moment I felt helpless and lost.That is, until the news coverage began to unearth the true nature of our country. We heard about the firefighters and EMT who ran towards thos...
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It’s Not a Wedding Reception, but for Tonight It’ll Do
2007-09-10 04:30:00
My daughter just turned five, but from the conversations she’s been initiating these days you’d think she had just turned twenty. Here are some things she’s asked me lately:“Will you come to my wedding?”“Can I wear a black dress to my wedding?”“When I get married will you buy me a necklace, earrings, a ring, and makeup?“When am I grown up enough to get married?”“Can I drive you to my new house when I’m grown up?”“Can I borrow your makeup when I’m grown up?”“Some day will you give me a diamond? Just the jewel, not a ring.”Okay, so my neurosis is showing here, but is she preoccupied with marriage and being grownup because her father and I are currently failing at both? And is this an “issue” that needs addressing? If so, how do I address it?As the hub and I have worked through this separation, we’ve encouraged the kids to be open with us about their feelings. The tricky thing with children is, sometimes they don’t know enough about what they...
More About: Wedding , Tonight , Toni , Reception

A Name Change and Google Searches
2007-09-07 07:39:00
I have decided to change the name of my blog to “Poo Memos, Venomous Spiders, and eBay” because those are the favorite post topics thus far as determined by the comments of you, my dear beloved readers! And can I just say that you really are dear and beloved! If I went on a quest for the best support group EVER, I don’t think I could find such amazing, compassionate, and wise women in one zip code. Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments to the difficult post about my separation. And this week I’m feeling like your positive energy alone will carry me over the ugly. Bless you!Now on to a lighter topic. I finally have the means to see what’s driving those Google rs to my blog. Here are some searches that bring people to Up in the Night:“pink pee death”: Well, for a moment there I was worried. But luckily, our pink pee was caused by a Crayola fetish.“scratch and dent surplus”: This one’s popular. In fact, I think I get one visitor per day on this search alo...
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The Bad News
2007-09-05 03:00:00
My husband and I are separated.And now I’m not sure what else to say. I’ve rewritten this post repeatedly,and even held onto it for nearly a month, timing it with Blogher so that it wouldn’t be broadcast over that network, and now this is all I can manage. I’m sure everyone can appreciate that this is extremely difficult for everyone, especially my kids, as we all stagger through this experience, trying to grasp something hopeful and secure to steady us.I’ve wondered whether or not it was even necessary to share this with the blogosphere. It’s strange announcing something so private and painful in such a public forum. But I decided to do it for a number of reasons. One, I’m selfish. In blogging I’ve discovered the most amazing support group full of compassionate, wise and genuine women. And I thank you all for that. Two, I can’t not write about this experience; I’m a writer (who uses double negatives, okay?) and this is an extremely therapeutic medium for me. Thr...
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Takin' Care of the Girls
2007-09-03 23:48:00
One day I was getting into the shower when Zack pointed at my breasts and asked, “Are those the bests, Mama?”“I like to think so,” I answered.That was back when I was immune to any breast-worry. But now that I’m in the WhyMommy-know I’ve been thinking about the girls in a whole new light. In fact, I’ve become a little obsessed.I’ll admit I’ve performed maybe five breast exams my entire life. I never knew what I was looking for and felt self-conscious poking at the girls so sloppily. And while my family has a history of breast cancer (via my grandmother on my father’s side) I always thought nursing my children somehow made me immune to any breast ailment (well, shouldn’t it?!). So I’ve never given my girls the attention they truly deserve.But just last weekend I got to go on a quick trip to Utah sans children to visit my family. As I was driving I noticed that my left breast was a little sore. So I spent nearly three hours poking and prodding at my boob trying...
More About: Girls , Care , The G , The Girl

Is someone coming over?
2007-08-30 23:11:00
Here's my latest column (although, just between you and me, it's really just an old post...).People who know me are well aware that I'm not very domestic -- that's a nice way of saying my house is a mess, I'm always behind on laundry, and my children eat a lot of macaroni and cheese. But I thought I had my kids fooled.That is, until a couple days ago when Kaleb asked, "Mom, who's coming over?""No one. Why?""Because you're cleaning the house."It was one of those rare days when I was cleaning the house just because. Because I wanted to clear a pathway through the playroom and to clear my mother-conscience.But apparently my children are onto me. I'm beginning to wonder how long it will take me to get it. I'm a grown person with an advanced college degree who just can't apply the whole optimal time management thing.Case in point. When we lived in Utah I would watch twin 5-year old girls every Thursday from noon to five. From nine to eleven every Thursday morning I'd madly cle...
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The Birthday Girl
2007-08-29 17:04:00
Last week Leah turned five and regardless of my somewhat distracted state she managed to have one wing-ding party (well, three wing-ding parties, but who’s counting).The CakeShe wanted a butterfly cake and, having made one for her second birthday, I thought “no sweat.” What a silly, silly woman I am.Two containers of frosting later I had created this hideous orange, pink, and purple butterfly cake (it even sounds bad, doesn’t it?). I was a little worried that she would go diva on me like she did on her third birthday when I attempted the Barbie cake (with the cake posing as a skirt). When she saw THAT one she cried, “But Mom, I wanted the cake from the store!” Forget that Albertson’s uses a dollar-store Barbie while mom used the real deal. Anyway, so I showed her the butterfly cake pre-party to prevent any cake fits. What did my blessed daughter say when saw this ugly cake from butterfly hell?“Oh, Mom, it’s BEEEautiful!” in this awed voice that nearly made me cry...
More About: Girl , Birthday

Nice Matters!
2007-08-29 03:30:00
Gustogirl, the Queen of Nice , gave me this Nice Matters Award so I am completely flattered (and a little surprised!). Thanks so much!This sounds absolutely cheesy, but I am lucky to know more than a few fabulously nice bloggers. I'm going to nominate the uber-nice here:Candygirlflies from I Can Fly, Just Not UpRachel at Three Day BlogKaren at PediascribeThese ladies are fabulous! But it seems so unfair to narrow it down like that. This blogosphere is an amazing place--I am impressed by the clever, kind, and dedicated bloggers out there. Thanks for letting me blog with y'all!

Mamma Meme
2007-08-28 08:28:00
The Zen of Motherhood tagged me with this fun middle name mime. Here are the rules:You have to post these rules before you give the facts.Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.Okay, so this is forcing me to be creative. Thank heavens my mother didn’t give me a ridiculously long middle name.M – I’m very religious—Mormon, in fact.A – When I was just a kid I wanted to be an actress, and then in high school an artist. Now I’m an author (of accounting newsletters, no less).R – Rich. I’m so not rich (I’m sure this violates on...
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Hobos, Spiders, and Piles of Dirty Laundry
2007-08-24 01:45:00
I admit, I’ve been a delinquent blogger. I’ve also neglected putting my columns online lately. So I’ll post the latest one here, inspidered (get it? in-SPIDERed? haha) by the Hobo Spider. They’re all over the place here. Ew!When I first called to set up our phone service here in Idaho Falls last October, the nice lady I talked to was a virtual welcoming committee, sharing all things good and bad about the area.“Hobos are horrible here,” she said at the end of our conversation.I imagined scads of homeless people filing the sidewalks of old downtown, complete with smudged faces and polka-dot bindles. I said something silly about not knowing Idaho Falls had a problem with the destitute.She laughed. “No. Hobo Spiders . They’re nasty!” She explained how the Hobo killed entire populations and kept most Idaho residents entrenched in fear. Okay, so I’m exaggerating. She said something about them being poisonous and drawn to large piles of unfinished laundry. Just what I n...
More About: Laundry , Dirty , Piles

First Day Faux Pas
2007-08-22 03:35:00
Remember me? I’m the proud mama prude trying to keep her daughter modestly dressed at all costs. Well, I have a confession to make. I sent my daughter to school in hoochie-wear. On her first day of kindergarten.I know. It’s shameful. I should be banished to live on the Island of Misfit Mothers where I can mingle with Dina Lohan. But in my defense, it was an accidental, completely unintended protistot ensemble. And there’s a moral to this story, so pay attention.I bought Leah this cute little dress at Walmart for just six dollars. It was one of those belted shirt dresses reminiscent of the 1960’s. Simply adorable. In addition to that dress I also bought knee-high tights. It’s Idaho Falls and not only are tights practical, but there’s nothing cuter than a little girl in a dress with knit tights.And that was the outfit Leah chose to wear the first day of school. And it wasn’t until we were ready to leave that I realized the tights were not quite as high as I expected whil...
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The rest of the story…
2007-08-16 07:51:00
My daughter made the front page of The West section in the Sunday edition of Idaho Fall’s Post Register. And she looks cute as a button. It was Saturday and she was wearing her rainbow swimming suit when caught skipping through ankle-deep water at a local event trying to catch fish. And true to Leah-form she saw her picture in the paper and exclaimed (palms cupping cheeks), “I didn’t catch a fish but my picture is on the paper…” as if the cosmos had finally realigned, restoring karmic justice.As Paul Harvey would say, and now, for the rest of the story…We were down by the Snake River enjoying a big shindig in preparation for the great Duck Race, an annual event where people adopt rubber ducks which are numbered and then dropped into the river in a race for different prizes. So sans stroller (note to self: never again) we walked the river and enjoyed lots of kid-friendly activities. We made sailboats at the Home Depot tent, noodle necklaces, sand art, and maracas with...
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We interrupt this blog...
2007-08-13 14:23:00
I haven’t posted in awhile and there is a good reason, although I can’t share it now. Our family is going through something that’s knocked me off my blog a bit. It’s prevented me from posting to my own blog and from reading those blogs I love. I apologize for being neglectful. Blog ging is therapeutic for me and I’m guessing everyone will learn far more than they ever wanted to know as soon as I feel it’s fair to begin posting about our icky ordeal. So until I catch up with my life a bit, my posts will be sporadic. Thanks for stopping by—I’ll be back soon…
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MEMO to my son
2007-08-08 03:24:00
TO: Zackary WilliamFROM: MommyDATE: 8/7/07RE: Saturday night’s “activities”Now would be a good time to assess the activities that transpired the night of Saturday, August 4th, 2007, since we (i.e. me) have had amble time to cool down and reflect.Understanding that you are not yet ready to deposit your poopies and peepees into the potty (having tried 4 vigilant attempts at “training” thus far), I appreciate your need to further acclimate to the big boy method of going to the bathroom. However, I would ask that given the current diaper-friendly situation, you consider the following the next time you need to fill your drawers (i.e. pampers, the generic brand).Do not remove said diapers once you have taken a juicy dump.Do not place your soiled buttocks on the carpet or furniture once you have removed those diapers.Once placed in the bathtub to remove the poopage that resulted from the unauthorized diaper-removal, do not sneak from the tub and leave poopy butt prints on the por...
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We all scream for ice cream...
2007-08-06 00:49:00
My mother-in-law is visiting and last night she treated us to some ice cream (I know—this woman is wonderful). As I went to open the Blue Bunny Pralines and Cream carton I found a safety tab on the lid. Eating my ice cream I wondered, Was that tab supposed to protect me from the ice cream, or the ice cream from me?Either way, it didn’t work…
More About: Ice Cream , Scream