United States of Motherhood

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Stuck Between Two Twilight Zones
2008-02-06 18:10:00
I watched Oprah yesterday because Dr. Oz was on. Is he ever not on her show??!So, with my lack of sleep, super stress-ability, terrible diet, and weight, I gathered I am like the woman who was in her 40's who teared up when she had a "real-age" of a 60 year old... BUT I'm only 35.But, I feel old. I have so many aches and pains. My shoulder ached all day yesterday and I don't even know why. I am just coming apart at the seams.So I slurped some wine because Dr. OZ said it would make me younger. I ate some antioxidants in the form of chocolate. I "drifted" off to sleep on the couch, upside down, with my feet in the air, and got at least 5 hours of sleep.I felt better this morning. Rested. Back good. Shoulder good. Yep, much younger.Then I looked in the mirror and saw it.Massive, outrageous pustacle of a zit.Yep, much younger.Such choices! Achy bones and old? Nasty acne and young? I'm stuck between two twilight zones and I hate them both.I think I feel pretty much how Amy Winehouse ...
More About: Zones , Twilight

It's Official
2008-02-05 23:11:00
It's official. I voted absentee today. I chose. Have you? Well, hurry up already. I don't care who you vote for, just vote for somebody.I chose McCain. I would have also voted for Guiliani. If I were a Democrat (pa-shaw!), I would vote for Obama in a heart beat. You see those three candidates are the only ones I believe have character. I definitely don't agree with all of their views, but, I know they won't lie to the American public. They don't flip-flop. I chose McCain because I believe he is the best, most qualified person to lead us to victory in Iraq.I chose McCain because he's a fiscal conservative and doesn't play to the religious right.I chose McCain because he stands by his convictions, even if unpopular.I chose McCain because he infuriates Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh who I feel hijacked my party years ago and give my party a black eye.I chose experience. I worry about his age. I hate his stand on immigration. I hear he has a temper. However, there will never be a...
More About: Official

Worst Canine Mommy in the World
2008-02-05 19:35:00
Call the humane society. I have been known to bathe our dogs every 3 months. Gross! I know. It just kills my back and did I mention that our sum total of 150 lbs of dog HATE water? So picking them up and getting them into a bath tub or shower, when the little shitzers splay their legs wide, well, it's a bitch.However, they make up for it by constantly shedding everywhere. So, really, with the amount they shed, they get a new coat every 16 hours, so it's clean, right?Besides, they hate the outdoors and getting wet. Yes, we live in Seattle and we have some dumbass dogs that hate water. Loved snow when we lived in Alaska. Love snow when it's been snowing here. Hate getting wet. Did I mention we live in Seattle? Sucks to be them. So, I hit on some genius the other day. Eldest had a superbowl spirit day at middle school. While we aren't football watchers and Eldest already has at least 64 sweatshirt/hoodies from swim meets, he still wanted a SEAHAWKS sweatshirt. Yep, doesn't even ...
More About: World , Mommy , The World

American as Apple Pie
2008-02-04 04:06:00
I don't watch football often. We play sports, not watch them on TV. But, tonight, I watched the Super Bowl with Eldest. CG made us guacamole and chips to nibble. Eldest took the Patriots to win, and I, being a contrary soul, chose the underdogs to cheer on.And, isn't it just a sweet American moment when those underdogs, condemned by the media to lose big, win!Down with Tom Brady robots and spying cheating on other teams with video tape. What was needed was spirit. And hope. And heart. Tonight, those NY Giants had that all three. One of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history.I think we listen and believe the media too much--whether that be sports or something more important like the Iraq War. We let them decide who will win. We let hopelessness pervade and let them persuade us what will happen. Only we Americans can decide what happens. The next step is the upcoming primaries. Whatever conviction, keep in mind who you think is most qualified to lead our troops when you cast tha...
More About: Apple

Roller Derbeeeeee Birfday
2008-02-03 22:19:00
What's made CG this happy? Well, it's his birthday week-end, so we got to watch EIGHT straight hours of this:And this: And this: And this:Did I mention it was in a cold, unheated hanger? In the moist, cold of Seattle?And the kids started looking like this in the first 15 minutes:And this:Yeah! Sitting on hard, backless bleacher seats. Almost like a swim meet. Only twice as long. AND farking freezing. Yea! Rust Riot!Did I mention I've been battling a head cold? And I started my period? And I had no personal feminie hygiene products? And they only had port-a-potties? Unheated, unlit port-a-potties? And we had to sit in the family section so there was no medicinal beer to be had? Did I mention there was a bitch in the family section that had a fit because our six year old jostled her accidently as he almost lost his balance climbing up? You see, she just had surgery. I apologized, but she kept droning on and on. Fuck! If you are that delicate, don't sit in the family section. W...
More About: Roller

I'm In LOVE
2008-02-03 20:56:00
What's the definition of a Canadian? A North American who refuses to join the revolution. You know you're Canadian when abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian.Why are Candians so full of shit? Because America has all the assholes. (I made that one up myself)Buh.duh.dumpSo, I tease Canada a lot. Nooo doot about it. I've disparaged their postal system. I even mocked a Canadian commentor on that blog. I might have mentioned that Canadians are constipated even. I might have mentioned some sexual disfunctions in Canadians a few post backs.But, I tease, Canada. Really, just teasing.I jest.Please Canadian readers, know that I love you. Some of my best friends are Canadian. Some of my son's best friends are Canadians. Quite literally, in Seattle, we are surrounded by Canadians. And those Canadians rock. Never met a Canadian I didn't like.I guess I teas...
More About: Love

You Be The Judge
2008-01-16 23:45:00
His urgency oozed from every pore. My Mommy-dar ramped up some notches as I heard his desperate cries. "Mommy! Mommy!" I came running to see an intact body, flushed cheeks, and quickly melting snow pooling around his little snow boots. "Mommy! I need a carrot!" Ah...snow days. We've been hit with school delays because of the snow here. Those delays for most, translate into half-day kindergarten cancellation for Li'l Man. So, no school for him for two days. Here's the result: Sorry for the poor pic. I had only my cell and it melted by the time I went back for my SLR. And yes people, we suck because there were no carrots to be had. All I had was cranberries and old ones at that. He asked for anything to supplant the carrot. He settled for a chopstick. It seems the carrot wasn't for the nose. When I saw the snow man, it immediately looked like a devil to me with it's prongs and crimson eyes. I sent the pic on my cell to family, CG (who's on a trip), Eldest's cell, and PB's cell...
More About: Judge

Gossip at Starbucks
2008-01-16 21:07:00
Okay, so I'm a reality show whore. Love it. So, when I found this blog on Starbucks gossip by hard-core barristas and "regulars" i.e. loyal customers, it was hilarious. Even with a sister as a store manager at Starbucks, I never had such insight into the "Legendary" culture. The real juicy stuff is in the comments. Who knew about regular customers trying to pick up on barristas? The stalker customers that look for their favorite barrista's cars in the parking lot? The rudeness of customers which include throwing their unsatisfactory coffee at the poor, unsuspecting barrista? The "partner" outrage of changing menu nomenclature? The hatred of the "skinny" line? The fact that the skinny mocha mix stains their hands/dish towels red and dries baby poop green. That "partners" called customers fatties behind their backs? My favorite line by far was this one: "Man, why was she with that Grande White Mocha? I could Whip and top him so fast you don't even know!" "It's not worth it. She ha...
More About: Gossip

May Your Blistering Testicles Being Eaten By A Pack of Rabid, Rascally Rabb
2008-01-08 17:01:00
"Mommy, why, when you drive, do we zoom past all the other cars?" "Err...my foot is really heavy?" "I think it's because you're always driving us places and are always in the car. You get tired, so you hurry up." Hmmm....smart kid. He forgot the part about the California driver in me seethes at the ridiculous Washington, can't merge, can't drive in snow, drive slower in the carpool lane metality, BUT I think his explanation was much better than mine. He absorbs more than I realize... ...which is why I need to stop yelling #$%^*&^% Grandpa! Get of the #$%^%$ road before I send my *&^%%^ Expedition up your cherry $%^*& with much hysteria in my voice. Must come up with better, more descriptive and apt, and less vulgar words. Heck, if I do this right, perhaps it might help the kids' future S.A.T. scores. So people, any creative suggestions that do not include 4 letter words? I am thinking, "A thousand hot needles in your cod piece," or "You miserable, blundering pimple ...
More About: Pack , Testicles

Sunday Night Music To My Ears
2008-01-07 02:50:00
One of the best known music to my ears is the sounds of cracked ice tumbling against the stainless steel cocktail shaker in my husband's hands. Result: Or better yet, the sound of chop-chop-chopping for tonight's dinner. Well, it's red meat night. You see, I'm anemic and my womanly troubles always make it worse. So CG has made it a tradition (and probably an excuse since the man does love his red meat) to seek out red meat in restaurants or make something suitable medium-rare. Tonight is French Bistro fare that he has planned. Steak au poivre with pomme frites. His chops are turning me on. Result: Yep, today has been a lazy day of catching up on blogs, eating junk, and lazing about in the clothes I fell asleep in last night. At first it was depressing today with it's dark clouds and rain. Then it snowed big puffs. Finally, the sun appeared and graced our once dark yard with a glow of melting ice crystals and sparkling rain drops. It's these little pleasures that help us end...
More About: Music , Night , Sunday , Ears

Warms A Mother's Heart: No Gnawed off Toes
2008-01-06 20:00:00
It's always an eye-opener when a child gains a new skill and gains independence. Last week, I had one of those days. One baby step for my youngest, one huge toward mothering redundancy.Li'l Man, being a resourceful five year old has decided to make his own lunch. Apparently, I and his father don't feed him soon enough upon return from half-day kindergarten. Something had to be done: Step 1: Sneak can of beans out of pantry, then open can and send refried, molded glory gushing into bowl. Mom hears characteristic plop and comes to check it out. She finds this! Can you see the madness of newly discovered independence in his overly-widened eyes. I can hear him saying, "mother-schmother." He proceeds to grate a block of cheddar without scraping pudgy kindergarten fingers. This indeed tells me my kindergartner is smarter than your kindergartner. Scientific fact.Step 2: Without guidance, he puts Saran Wrap on beans (Warms a mother's heart--why can't all men think of Saran Wrap when n...
More About: Heart

Violated
2008-01-05 21:46:00
My stupid. !@#$%^ car got broken into yesterday after I car-pooled three adults and five children to the Seattle Pacific Science Museum. Long story includes suspicious good Samaritan, no damage, and generally no loss of contents. We hope... This would be the second time my car has been broken into in 2 1/2 years. What the heck Batman? That's more than the previous 20 years previous of driving. What is it about Seattle area thieves and my Expedition? Each time it was after I meticulously cleaned my car. They always go for the stupid, lame cell phone chargers too. Weird! The last break-in, the mall security cop said crooks don't bother breaking in to dirty cars and I should keep fast food trash strewn about. Didn't have much of that, but I had cleaned my car of my son's dirty boxers. I found another pair of underwear of my daughter's under the seat. (Can you tell we are swimmers? The kids change in the car at red lights.) There was some beef jerky from who knows when in the back ...

All Joking Aside
2008-01-03 22:31:00
I found this video below at Moderately Modern Mommy. All joking from the last post aside. All cheeseburgers, National Anthems, and even Oprah aside.This below is what this election should be about. No matter where you stand on this particular war, the sacrifices being asked of our troops over and over are a disgrace.MMM's husband has deployed three times in this war alone. We have friends and classmates deployed 2-3 on average as well. Why? The reduction in forces during the Clinton years. No matter where you stand, do you think it's right that we have so weakened our military forces that we ask them to come into harms way not once, not twice, but three times or more during a few years? Would you ask your child to do that? What if it were your husband?This is what happens when you elect a Clinton. Think about the troops when you get that ballot. If we had another World War II today, would we be able to win? The stability of this nation rests upon a strong National Defense, not pre...

What Did you Say?! C&cks#cker!
2008-01-03 21:51:00
I found this video on I am Bossy. Maybe it's the Republican in me, but I kept hearing something other than "caucusing " I swear up and down they were saying c%ck-s*cking.That's not a word I ever use, so me thinks it was just the subliminal vibe that Hillary oozes.While it's a lame reach out to a bunch of white Iowans, I do have to give props to both her and Bill. Self-deprecation is a good thing and watching Bill snarf burgers and Hillary shriek the national anthem is pretty good fun. Still not going to vote for her unqualified, ride off her husband's coattails and fame tush. Ever. Never. Cut my pinkies off with garden shears. Force me to eat raw chicken. I still won't. At least one new blog a day! ~Scout's Honor

Sunshine in My Soul
2008-01-03 18:20:00
It's raining in the Northwest, but the sun is shining in my soul. He was appalled I drank day old coffee. I came back from dropping the kids at school, and there was a hot pot waiting for me. Here I stand with a steaming cuppa Joe on my back patio. The steam whispers away and fat drops of rain splash into my brew. That, my friends, is love. He even searched the local Starbucks and found one of the last coffee Christmas ornaments for me yesterday since I was bummed that I forgot to buy one before the holidays. Love and coffee. It doesn't get better than that! At least one new blog a day! ~Scout's Honor
More About: Soul , My Soul , Sunshine

Kiss-ez for the Mrs.ez
2008-01-03 17:12:00
The kids seem to be back into the swing of school, but I am having some problems adjusting to a reasonable bedtime. Errr. No that's wrong, so I better correct it before CG calls me on that. I have never gone to bed at a reasonable time, but usually I manage to get up at a responsible hour when the kids are in school --sometime between 6:30-7:30. These last two days however have been a real struggle. Last night, I was in bed by 10 PM, but dreaming about balmy beach vacations and bidding on Priceline in bed until 1:30 AM (No luck with the cheap, beach vacation). So, today was CG's first day, after a long break, taking Eldest to morning swim practice. They left at 5:20 AM. Hence there was no one to wake me when the alarm didn't work. Ok, it worked. I just didn't wake up. I woke up at 7:20, but the alarm was set for 6:30 AM. Ooops. That's a verrrrrra long time for the alarm to go off. The kids alarms had also being shrieking for the past hour with no luck. A Scooby Doo van-radio ho...
More About: Kiss

Best Christmas Ever?!
2008-01-02 03:51:00
What do you think is going on this eleven year old cranium below? This was taken two weeks ago as he pondered what Santa would bring him. After the blessed, gift-wrap tearing extravaganza, he ended up with:A Razr cell phone he's wanted for ages (to be honest it was CG's recycled, newly blinged version because CG got a Black Jack from work), A lower-end digital camera (practical because he taking a media class next quarter), A flat screen monitor for his computer (practical because he taking computer tech this quarter and only because we got a banging deal at the the day after Thanksgiving early morning sale at Staples.) A remote control hover craft, Too many video games to count. AND this was just from us and Santa. It doesn't include grandparents. Santa even brought him a favorite sugar cereal his Mom (that would be me) refuses to purchase the rest of the year. The kid, yep, he was spoiled. He declared it was the best Christmas ever. He thanked and thanked us for his loot. He wa...

One Big Christmas Hug From My Family to Yours
2007-12-31 09:53:00
At least one new blog a day! ~Scout's Honor
More About: Christmas , Family , My Family

Belated Holiday Bragalicious Letter 2007
2007-12-31 08:13:00
So, I'm not having much luck getting motivated to send out holiday cards, so I thought I'd through it out on the internetz. Please note that names have been suitably altered to protect minors and the innocent. Those categories rarely happen simultaneously, but I digress. I've cut most of the pictures because layout of pics in blogger truly frustrates me.Hopefully, it will suitably impress get to all the people that are interested need to read it:Happy Holiday s, December 20, 2007Can we say it’s been a crazy year?! To keep it short and sweet, let’s all sing along to the 12 days of Christmas.On the first day of Christmas, my true loves gave to me…One first lost tooth, one first bike ride without training wheels, and one first day of kindergarten for Li'l Man! One first day of middle school with only one missed bus this year and a first quarter GPA of 3.75. Go Eldest! Finally, one set of new glasses for Miss PB!Two hard drives crashing—the second time was unrecoverable. Ohhh...
More About: Letter

Saved From the Sickness or Cooties--Your Choice
2007-12-31 07:30:00
We generally share germs in this house, unless I have cold sores. Then, I try not to kiss or share glasses with CG or the kids. Cold sores sucks. They are certainly not one of the gifts that keep giving that I want to give to our family. So, I hold back.This must have rubbed back on Li'l Man.Set Scene: Watching movies in cozy family room in front of fake gas roaring fire8 year old daughter: Too lazy to go fetch her own water, grabs for glass of Li'l Man.5 year old son with admitted mild, almost cured cough shrieks with outrage: "Noooooo!Doooonnnnn't drink that! It's FULL of my sickness."In efforts to "save" said sister, he grabs for full pint glass of icy water and clinks glass against daughter's teeth. Said newly erupted adult teeth almost get smacked out of said daughter's mouth.I want to believe he was truly trying to save her, but me thinks this is more about having sister cooties in his drink. Or maybe, I've stressed my cold sore germs too much and created a germophobe. ...
More About: Sickness , Choice

Stop The Snarfing: A Dieter's Confession
2007-12-30 19:36:00
From the comments on my last post, it seems we moms are queen bees when it comes to snarfling secretive, forbidden treats where questioning young eyes and judging husband eyebrows are absent.Yet, something in me tells me it's not right. Just like it wasn't right in high school where I was a waif of 111 lbs. at 5' 81/2" on the, no joke, ice cream, diet coke and candy bar diet.My friend Teri and I happened upon a truism in parenting at age 15. We learned that we really could ruin our appetite with sweets. So we did. We sipped a diet coke for breakfast. Had a 120 calorie Carnation ice cream sandwich from the vending machine for lunch. Snacked on a king sized M&Ms just before dinner and picked at our meals. You do the math. Less than 500 calories a day, yet we never were hungry. M&M's anyone?So, I happened recently upon another teenager's method to lose weight. Well, perhaps weight-loss wasn't the goal, but still 40 lbs. peeled off her frame and another 10 lbs. was surgica...
More About: Confession , Stop , Fess

Confessional My Ass
2007-12-29 05:46:00
Sorry, that last confession was lame. What I really meant to confess was that last night I drank too much wine, watched way too many movies, and fell asleep on the couch with all three kids. CG was responsible and shit and went to bed early. At 3 AM I rolled over on said couch and found Li'l Man asleep on the floor--no pillow, no blanket, and God knows how much dog dander he was inhaling, sleeping face down on the carpet. I haven't vacuumed in days. The dogs are shedding so much I could knit sweaters--that is if I knew how to knit . I left him there in my sleep-induced haze and yanked the couch throw tighter around my neck. What? What!! It's good for a five year old to sleep on the hard, cold floor during the holidays, isn't it? It breeds discipline, right?! It gets better! I awoke to kids playing Wii around me. I creaked off the couch since I am still sore from skiing all day on Wednesday. I scurried to the bathroom and snagged a luscious peppermint chocolate chip cookie along ...
More About: Confessional , Fess

Confessional of a Very Remiss Blogger
2007-12-28 19:54:00
Hi! My name is Scout's Honor and it's been over two months since my last confession blog post. I've been sulking. I admit it. I have sinned. I have taken the lord's name in vain. A lot!I ended up losing my hard drive (physical failure--no recovery possible) and the entire last year of digital pics. I even lost all my feeds, so I've been reading blogs very sporadically. Luckily, CG quickly rebuilt my computer, but it seemed so overwhelming to start over.So, people, twice is a charm. I am finally using this bitchin' back up service that mirrors my hard drive somewhat like Google Desktop. For $60 a year, it backs up all files, music, email, pics, and docs to the web with bank quality super-encryption. It's called Carbonite and it rocks. If anyone is interested, I'll send you a link for a free three month subscription. If you sign up, I get 3 months added to my subscription. And people, after my hard drive woes, I need every month of back-up I can get. Seriously, it's great ...
More About: Blogger , Confessional , Fess

Shell-Shocked
2007-10-17 19:18:00
My hard disk irretrievably failed again. Let's all have a moment of silence... Okay, silence over... Fuck! Fuck! Fuckity Fuck! This is the second hard drive that's failed in less than two years. My... Such a tease, I know. Want to read the rest? See photos? Watch video? Read more at the source: United States of Motherhood.
More About: Shell

Seeing Red...
2007-10-12 21:29:00
Seeing red... Leaves aflame on the Sammamish Plateau Ah! Kinder pick up time And orange... Actual sunshine at our neighborhood school today 3rd Grade Field Trip to Salmon Spawning on... Such a tease, I know. Want to read the rest? See photos? Watch video? Read more at the source: United States of Motherhood.

Bully For You
2007-10-10 19:46:00
Hey you!Yeah you! If you have an over-grown twelve year old with thick, short-shorn brown hair who was wearing a bright orange t-shirt on this last Tuesday, October 9th around 4:30 PM, and was... Such a tease, I know. Want to read the rest? See photos? Watch video? Read more at the source: United States of Motherhood.
More About: Bully

Dreaming of Pebble Beach
2007-10-10 01:24:00
I started painting our house last summer. I primed it in splotches here and there and then the rain came. My next door neighbors got a fabulous view of white sprayed-on splotches from their formal... Such a tease, I know. Want to read the rest? See photos? Watch video? Read more at the source: United States of Motherhood.
More About: Beach , Dreaming , Pebble

Marital Sanctity
2007-10-09 22:29:00
Is nothing sacred!!? CG has displayed a very private interpersonal communication on his blog? Men! They just can't keep secrets! At least one new blog a day! ~Scout's Honor Such a tease, I know. Want to read the rest? See photos? Watch video? Read more at the source: United States of Motherhood.

Mooooorrrree Mashups
2007-10-08 22:32:00
I am not even minding all this music at home (I usually prefer silence) because the sun is finally shining in Seattle. Time to celebrate another favorite CG mashup: At least one new blog a day!... Such a tease, I know. Want to read the rest? See photos? Watch video? Read more at the source: United States of Motherhood.
More About: Mashups , Mooo , Mash

MaSh Up AfTerNoonz
2007-10-08 22:23:00
CG won't stop playing this mashup of Dr. Dree & Snoop and Grease. It's starting to grow on me, especially when my five year old shakes his tush to it: At least one new blog a day!... Such a tease, I know. Want to read the rest? See photos? Watch video? Read more at the source: United States of Motherhood.
More About: Mash-Up , Mash up , Mash