United States of Motherhood

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Holiday Procrastination
2009-12-14 18:52:00
Ahhh, what does one do on a Monday morning after a three day swim meet?Clean her dusty house?Put the many crates of Christmas decorations up?Wash the copious loads of laundry?Make up for sitting on her arse all week-end by going to the gym?Sadly, no my friends. She tee-hees it up making this:Click to watchSorry CG!! Well, not really...So happy holidays everyone and if you are doing some holiday procrastinating? Please know you are not alone, my friends. Not alone at all...
More About: Holiday

The Real Monster I’m Running From is Little Debbie
2009-12-11 14:00:00
Yep, this comes in a T-shirt my friends and it's on my list for Santa. Thanks be Woot for identifying why people ceaselessly run on treadmills. **"With nary a Pilates class on the entire planet, how did our cave-bound ancestors develop the well-defined pecs and abs we see in textbook illustrations today? Of course, it wasn’t running from dinosaurs. The archaeological record suggests that early humans were bred as pack animals by the Vorgoxxii, a race of alien silicon miners from a planet beyond the stars. They only looked like dinosaurs. Wear this shirt: so people know why you’re not exercising: lack of large predators in your area. Don’t wear this shirt: under the assumption that it in any way refers to the novel or film known as Jurassic Park or any sequels or other works deriving therefrom, without express written consent of all parties with a valid claim to any portion or aspect of said intellectual property. This shirt tells the world: “The real monster I’m running ...
More About: Running , Monster , Real

Think Good Thoughts
2009-12-10 19:32:00
Today is a day when someone in my large family is at a crossroads.Depending on the outcome, it could radically change lifestyle, family life, and family dynamic.The outcome will be both positive and negative no matter the outcome. There certainly will be pros and cons to either result. There is definitely some scary risks as well.Have I mentioned I am risk averse?So I am asking just for some good thoughts coming my family member's way.I often believe that life gives you what you need which may not necessarily be what you want, but it all works out in the end.Definitely, there are ying-yang, kharmic elements, and/or higher forces at work.I myself am still at a crossroads in life spiritually still unable to identify which of those I believe.I think a little of all?I guess I am putting a little faith in each basket, hedging my bets if you will. CG and I have been discussing religion and church of late. There has been this need for more spirituality in our lives.We are looking for ...
More About: Thoughts , Good

Reason #5,698,674 Why I Suck As a Housewife
2009-12-03 21:06:00
My seven year old who should be wishing for sugar plum fairies and flashy, bright toys from Santa?He's become sadly practical in our weaknesses. On his Christmas letter to Santa was "socks."I kid you not.Now does the kid actually need socks? Uh, nope.Just that CG and I suck about matching socks when do laundry. We have two baskets full of socks that we rarely match so that there's always a dearth of socks in this family and a mad scramble every school day morning to find some.Seriously, I've bought 30 pairs of socks for the kid in the last six months. It just seems easier to buy more socks that actually match 'em.Pathetic. Really, I know.So pathetic that yes, my friends, it's that time. It's Pinup Mommy of the Year Award Time:I stink at laundry big time!!
More About: Reason , Suck

Celebrating the Differences: One Hairy Week-end
2009-12-01 14:00:00
You know when you have kids and you constantly compare milestones and similarities?Eldest & Li'l Man 4 monthsAnd yes, differences?Don't fib! You know you do, as did your mother compare you to your siblings, unless you were a only child then boo-hoo for you.So I've found there is usually a clarifying moment when you realize your kids are very much alike or polar opposites.For my boys?Yes, the similarities of mannerisms still exist. The food preferences still exist. The resemblance exists. They definitely come from the same family.But at their core? They are very different.Nothing can so clearly show this than the haircuts they chose for themselves this week-end:Yes, Eldest wants the longer hair to fit in with the middle school crowd, but Li'l Man requested, got, and was thrilled with his very unusual result.Eldest hates attention. He wants to blend in. He's always been the least amount of risk taker so much so that I've often pushed him too hard to be more free.To take...
More About: Week , Differences , Hairy

Belated Thanksgiving Favorites: Or How We Still Serve a Cow-sized Amount of
2009-11-30 20:58:00
Yes, my friends.I know.I know it's Monday after Thanksgiving .Poo!I had all sorts of ideas to write about this last week-end...Really I did!Then endless Pictionary games, with the kiddos, hours of movie watching, and of course, endless Turkey munching somehow got in the way.And by saying endless?I mean endless.It seems you can take this girl from a family of eight, but you can't take the family of eight mentality out of this girl.Our last Thanksgiving hosted in California among family had 32 guests.This time?Just us five.We searched high and low for a smaller turkey, but somehow the smallest we could find was 16 lbs.Sigh. What to do!It was difficult, but we settled for the larger bird.We strategized that we could cut back on the excess with the sides.We had the kids pitch in to help.PB helped peel and cut the sweet potatoes.And yes, I mean real sweet potatoes.You know the golden ones with brown peels.It's very strange up here in the Pacific Northwest where they label Garnet YAMS...

Day Dreaming at the Gym: Betcha Don't Know What I'm Thinking
2009-11-19 21:00:00
Ah, the gym.My home away from home of late.The camaraderie and smiles of recognition of becoming a regular.The achievement of becoming part of a community.A family.And just like family members?Freaking annoying.Case in point, a sweaty, graying lady that seems magnetized to every part of the gym I populate. Let's call her Cantankerous Nana.Nana never wipes down her machine. She refuses to circle swim while taking up entire lanes swimming like a geriatric turtle. She spends maybe 5 minutes on each machine, but you'd think it was a marathon with her grunting.Kudos for her for trying yes? Well....Last week, I sat next to her at stationary bikes. Apparently, Nana had to cough.To be sure, I am already so skeeved about getting H1N1 that I've taken to biking while touching the least amount of the bike as possible and copiously using hand sanitizer.Nana has no such compulsion.So she decides to do the turn 'n cough. Without tissue or covered mouth. Un-apologetically, she turned to ...
More About: Dreaming

Blog Silence: Turning a New Leaf
2009-11-09 16:42:00
I am still here.I am recovered from hosting two Halloween parties of 20+ guests in two days.And yet, I was absent here.My usual blogging time was gobbled up by the turn of a new leaf.I am so sick of the way I feel.The fat arms. The thighs rubbing together. The bags under my eyes. The silent liver disease and not so silent exhaustion from anemia from blood loss. The constant wearing of workout clothes or jeans and bulky sweaters and scrapped back pony tails with ball caps to cover my failure. I am sick of making everything and everyone a priority, but me.I feel limp and discarded like a fallen leaf trampled underfoot in the rain.My five year older sister told me last week that she was pregnant with her seventh child and all I was thinking beyond congratulations is how does she have the energy?I cannot imagine being pregnant again much less having the energy to start over.It was a wake up call.I need to get my physical house in order.I need to belly button gaze.I needed to get to t...
More About: Blog , Leaf

Thank You-Schmank You: Let's Ban the Thank You Card
2009-10-29 16:43:00
Never was good with thank you cards. Never.It wasn't something my mom really pushed when I was a kid.My mother-in-law? She's old-school.She ceaselessly hounded us for weeks to finish our wedding thank yous when in those same weeks I had a newborn, graduated from college, my husband went active duty, and we moved cross country to Missouri then moved cross country again to Alaska.Excuses I know. They just were not a priority.Now as a mother, I do try. Try miserably that is.Yesterday we went looking in a box of party stuff for some pink sparklies from PB's birthday party from last year for a costume we are making.Yes, the box, 12 months later, is still sitting in the office.{{Shut up, I feel you judging me. Heh!}}There we found some sparklies for her crazy hat... and a pile of half-written thank you notes.Also in that box? Five loaded gift cards, 2 pairs earrings, a doll, a spa set, and the list goes on.You see I made a rule to encourage us.No using or playing with birthday gi...
More About: Card

Toe-Gazing: Top Ten Belated Blog Anniversary
2009-10-27 19:00:00
I've been blogging since December 2006...well with a few teensy breaks here and there for sanity.You've heard of navel gazing?Well this blog takes it a mighty little bit further.I blog the inane and insane so I think it's more appropriate to call it a toe-gazing blog.Yep, there's no filter here, my friends. Really. None. It's a guilty pleasure to write and I know for some of you it's a guilty pleasure to read because you've told me so. No shame in that.I have flaws and I like to read about flawed people myself.What's the fun of reading about perfect Betty in her perfect house with her perfect kids and most perfect sex life, eh?(However, yes those are my perfect toes because me likey the shoes as if you didn't know...)This blog started as a way to walk a tightrope and keep my sanity after moving away from friends, family, and my support system to Washington from California. I was moving to place unknown picked out on the Internet with three kids, two dogs, a loving husba...
More About: Anniversary , Blog

Cross to Bare or Bear Crossing
2009-10-26 15:58:00
Constructing an email for yet another carpool drama, I ask my husband is it cross to "bear" or cross to "bare."He laughs at me and says "bear" because "bare" would be this...He raises his shirt to exposes his chest and midriff thinking he's funny.PB then smartly shoots back, "No, Daddy, that's not bare. That's a bear."Yep, bear crossing alert. Heh!Yes, have I mentioned my husband with Eastern European roots is a hairy beast and there is photographic evidence on his own blog?He might have stuck his middle finger out at us all laughing at him at the breakfast table.Poor Sport. She got you. Oh, wait, maybe that's Bad News Bear.Thx for the flickr pic by Tavallai
More About: Cross , Bare

Lord, Help Us Now
2009-10-23 06:06:00
I gave birth to a beast.My 13 year old is 5'9" and growing fast.Fast.He is also a swimmer. Two hours a day, every day. Even Sunday. Even Thanksgiving. Even New Years' Eve and yes, Virginia, 4th of July too.Consequence?We ate teriyaki last night immediately after swimming. The Kid was trembling. Kid could not wolf food down fast enough. He then ate half of Li'l man's plate of rice, teriyaki chicken, and fries.Then he moved on to PB."Are you going to eat that?" He points to the food she actively is forking into her mouth. She balks as he tries to snag a few misbegotten bites.She finally acquiesces and like that {{poof}} it is gone.The Tasmanian Teriyaki Devil has hit again!I hand over my credit card with a sigh.He orders another entree. More chicken, two scoops of rice with salad. His second large, adult-sized entree. The wait staff looked at us with a bit of crazy stink eye.What? It's not like there is even an ounce of fat on the Kid's body? He's lean, slightly muscu...
More About: Lord

Circular Logic & Exposed: I'm on to Me!
2009-10-22 13:00:00
Remember I needed to make that ablation/hysterectomy decision months ago?I've decided I am going to take baby steps.Ablation it is.Hysterectomy seemed so final and I worried about no more big "O's." Not that my period puts me in the mood that much anyway sadly for CG. Heh!Just soo tired.So decision made and yet, not scheduled?Why? Someone stupidly became Li'l man's Halloween party mom, Swim Team Pool Representative, and PB's classroom coordinator.CG did his best. Seriously by my side with my pen and sign up sheet in hand saying "No!" Friends suggested my previous convictions.I didn't listen too well. Or maybe I did.Seriously, it's an addiction.Or perhaps...Or perhaps a way to procrastinate.A road block of my own making.To blame volunteering for never getting my house clean. Never studying for the LSAT so I can get going on my personal dreams. For never losing weight. For never concentrating on me.Never looking in the mirror.Great avoidance technique, eh? Does this sound...

Age-Appropriateness, Personal Beliefs, & Birthday Parties
2009-10-20 21:21:00
We don't do age-appropriate in this family.We just don't.We do maturity-appropriate.I make decision based on my knowledge of my children, not some arbitrary number some ratings board has decided.I let my kids see R-rated movies. They don't scare them. They actually tend to bore them and they leave to play upstairs.There's nothing like the forbidden that draws a moth to the flame. When it's not forbidden, it's a yawn.So recently, I took my kids to Zombieland. My youngest two looked away in the gory party, but liked it.Why Zombieland?Only because we missed the last showing of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" and Eldest wanted to see Zombieland. (By the way, very funny movie. It rocked!)So I know we aren't the conventional parents which is where you, my readers, come in. I need your advice:We are planning PB's belated (isn't it always?) 10th birthday party. We were thinking dinner and a movie for about 12-15 girls from her 5th grade class and swimming group. They wi...
More About: Personal , Beliefs , Parties , Birthday

Peace
2009-10-16 17:52:00
Then on a cool autumn's morning,in a warm glowing kitchen,wrapped in soft baby blankets,with low murmurs of our best golden girl memoriesof soggy rawhides stolen and wiggling rumps,stroked ears, and tearful kisses raining down on her auburn fur,now intermingled with a new voice of compassion,encircled by her people, her family,with hearts full of poignant love and wistful regret that this day had finally come,my first princess baby,my Grendel,left our family to find peace.___________________________________ _____________It is done.Goodbye my beautiful Grendel girl. You are already devastatingly missed, my love.
More About: Peace

Today Should Be The Day
2009-10-15 19:59:00
Been sobbing all morning.Eyes swollen.Today should be the day.I try to stay factual and calm and list the reasons.Her lungs are filled with fluid. She vacillates between panicked panting, a hacking cough and limp listlessness.Her legs have swollen to double their size on her right side. She can not barely stand on her own. She needs help to go to the bathroom. She has to be carried up and down stairs. She has to be reminded to drink water. When she does walk, she staggers with feet falling and slipping out beneath her with pelvis tucked in discomfort.Her back is covered in baseball sized tumors giving her the exaggerated bumpy profile of a dinosaur. It has spread to four more on her rib cage, one on the inside of each hind leg, three more in her chest and the original one in her shoulder is a large as a miniature pumpkin.There is one in her neck and one more in her hip/pelvic area. We found a new one today in the top of her mouth.In all, I have counted over twenty masses. I am ...

Drum Roll Please: Let The Oh Harry Giveaway Contest Commence
2009-10-14 01:31:00
So, a week has passed from the end of our Scholastic Harry Potter Contest & Book Set Giveaway and I was finally able to get all three kids together to vote on favorites.Sad how busy we are!Okay, what a crock! I know.Shamefully, I added it to my calendar as the 17th, but wrote the seventh. Mere Details! I know, I know.Let's blame CG because it's always CG's fault, right??Heh! Okay, must focus! Drum roll please...Let's start with the the pictures, shall we?Memories: For three book sets being offered, only two of you readers submitted pics of "The best moments photos of you, your children, or your family either reading any book or in Harry Potter costume;" Yet, those people submitted so many pics from which to chose...So easy to judge, you both won!!Beki won for this adorable pic the kids loved of her daughter at a book signing:And the second set goes to Lisa from Unfiltered Insanity for her pic of friends (close enough to family) with death eaters:Fandom: Two sets were to be...
More About: Roll

In a Daze: ADD with a Splash of Motherhood, a Sprinkle of Hearing Loss, and
2009-10-13 18:47:00
Dazed.It is the definition of a mother.With sleep deprivation, mommy brain and stressors of child-rearing, we acquire the ability for self-preservation by learning to tune out.I, having been a mother now for over 13 years, have taken it to an art form. I am an artiste.I sit at my laptop and somewhat hear the kids squabbles, but shrug, not really.I hear them teasing each other and badgering me for treats and sweets.I generally ignore. Most of the time, I don't even hear them. It's as if I am now the one wrapped in a womb of my own making.Muffled.Protected.Seeking peace and yes, at times, solitude for my sanity.Besides, it's good for them to work it out on their own, and more importantly, they should know by now that badgering in this house gets you nowhere.It doesn't hurt that I have a hearing problem that corresponds with the frequencies of vowels. Yep, everyone sounds like they are muttering like Gollum so all the more reason to ignore.Lately, however, it's caused some commu...
More About: Motherhood , Splash , Loss

HELP! WE NEED YOU! YES, YOU!!
2009-10-09 19:24:00
I usually don't beg, but the things I will do for my babies...PB is entered in a casting call for Gap. She's ID: 110209884 or you can just click on the link or the picture to get to her page.We've come late to the game, but it's my baby girl's dream, so please, please vote for her?You can vote once every 24 hours and the contest ends. October 22nd. The top 20 get a professional photo shoot in San Francisco. Right now we need a mere 700-800 votes to be in that top 20!Please. It only takes about 1 minute to register unless you already have a Disney account.Okay, need some incentive?Gulp. I'll let CG videotape and post on this blog a video of the kids throwing cream pies at me to celebrate if she makes the top 20. Seriously. Pathetic, but I will...Come on! Click!

Enjoying the Small Things & Autumnal Plantings
2009-10-08 19:41:00
So house still a mess? Check.Laundry still undone? Check.Enjoying sunsets with the kids despite it all? Check.Happy to be spending more time with Li'l Man despite it all? Double Check.Yep, he's a monkey!Bonus?I finally planted my autumn front flower bed with spooky colors. Must revel in the small things.It would however be nice to have some clean underwear right now. Sigh.
More About: Small , Things

Gleaming Silver
2009-10-07 14:00:00
I find silver hair sexy.It's true.Anderson Cooper? Hawt! Sean Connery? Rawr! George Clooney over Brad Pitt all the way baby. Doug Wilson? Come to me baby. Daniel Craig? Anthony Bourdain? You had me at hello!What? That's not a real video? Heh! Who cares what they are saying! Two silvers together? Don't ruin it with words.Even better, I married a guy although a year younger, who is prematurely graying. A silver fox. Heh!He hates it.I love it.He makes me cut his hair shorter than it was in the military to hide it.Le Sigh.Unless he gets a Brazilian wax, he won't hide it for long. While I wait, I've been checking out this.Yep, in our family, not just the puberty aged kids are going through changes "down there." **And, yes, I vetted this topic with him before posting because I am cool like that.
More About: Silver

Best Recipe Ever
2009-10-07 03:01:00
There are recipes and there are recipes. This is the kind you don't share with neighbors, friends, or family. This is a recipe which will make you a signature chef. People at potlucks will clamor for it.Don't share it. Keep it to yourself. This is the very best recipe ever.It's practically food porn! Don't bother calculating the calories. Seriously. It's not worth it. Just save it for a special occasion.Try it. The pictures are amazing.Check it out. Tell 'em Scout sent you.
More About: Recipe

Mother-in-Law Rant: Dumbstruck
2009-10-06 17:23:00
Yes, this is a mother-in-law rant.It stuns me that I can still be shaking my head dumbstruck with her even across three states and having not spoken in four years.You see she still has contact with my husband and kids which I encourage. I just knew for my marriage's sake and emotional well-being, I needed to limit contact.The hurt and anger is still there all these years, but it has dimmed considerably.I've considered reconciliation and then ridiculous and quite silly circumstances like these come up.So why am I bringing it up now?Well, it seems both PB and Eldest invited their "Bunia" to be their friend on Facebook. It's reasonable. They also befriended my sister-in-law which I also haven't spoken to since she pretty much started this schism with her selfish ways.I would never deny them their aunt nor their grandmother.Back to Facebook, Bunia doesn't have a Facebook account. My mother-in-law has this intense fear of having her personal information stolen on the Internet. ...
More About: Rant , Mother

My Worst Nightmare
2008-04-29 16:00:00
I found this on Leighann's blog. And my reaction: Oh, fuck. fuck. fuckity-fuck. Did I mention I was deathly afraid of heights? I actually screamed twice and chanted, "oh my God," dozens of times. My husband just checked in to see if I was okay. My friends, that is my very worst nightmare. Ever. Hands down. I would rather be covered in cockroaches and chewed on by rats that ever go near a place like that. I would rather a Democrat be president. Am I using strong enough words? My stomach was flipping like a roller coaster. I've been in movies with heights i.e. "Cliffhanger" and actually melted out of my seat and on to the floor. Learn more about Caminito del Rey here. At least one new blog a day! ~Scout's Honor
More About: Nightmare

You're Fat, Not "Not Phat," Get it?
2008-04-29 05:00:00
At a swim meet this weekend, my friend's husband took his three year old to purchase a drink.In line, the three year old yelled that the man in front of them was "FA-A-A-A-A-T! "The husband was horrified. What was worse was the big man got offended and turned around all mean-like and said in a challenging voice to the father:"Did HE just call me fat?!"The Dad covered quickly."No, no. He called you bad. He calls everyone bad." Mollified, the big man smiled.Of course, because in this country, it's better to be evil than fat.Kids can be so brutally honest was my immediate thought. My daughter once said loudly in a Macy's dressing room that my belly was like a bowlful of jelly."It jiggles."Yes, we had been reading the "Night Before Christmas" and yes, she had also identified several white bearded, ahem, large men and asked if they were "Santa Claus." And, I say defensively, it was only a month after delivering a over 10 lb. baby.Yet, damn, you know a 2 year old is not lying. They hav...
More About: Phat

Let's Go on a Little Outing, Shall We?
2008-04-28 18:46:00
I never advertise my blog to anyone I know.My husband however, uses our real names and puts his blog in his email signature line.And guess what, I'm on his very short blog roll.So, I've been outed a few times by friends.They usually come up finally and say I found your blog. After the "Oh, fuck, did I ever write about them" thoughts, I'm okay with it. My sister found my blog the same way.It does however stifle our conversations because I'm always thinking: I blogged about this or that, so they have read it, so maybe I shouldn't say it again and bore them. Or maybe they didn't read that post? Second-guessing and awkwardness at it's best.However, I live in physical, gut-wrenching fear that my religious, sometimes holier-than-thou sisters and my sometimes incomprehensibly insane parents will find my blog.Why?I only speak the truth, but sometimes it's brutal what I write about my childhood, my Dad especially and my self-esteem issues, and their Mormon faith.It makes me absolutel...
More About: Outing

Sisterhood: Comments Speak Volumes
2008-04-28 17:16:00
Moosh in Indy wrote a poignant photo-essay style post about sisters. It made me sniffle a bit my sisters are not close by, but more than that it made me tear up for PB. I've posted my comment:I grew up in a family of five girls and one boy. While my brother and I tolerated each other, I loved my sisters.They protected me. They did my hair way better than my mom. We went to movies. We shared secrets. We gossiped.Today, we still do a lot of those things even though we are states apart.So, what's the problem? My princess has two brothers-no sisters. She will never know that bond of sisterhood. It's likely she will have closer girlfriends because she won't have her sisters backing her. Still, no sisters.It makes me so sad. There are days where in la-la land, I've shopped on-line adoption pages looking for a sister. I've had dreams where she is from India or Pakistan. Where I can be a hero to both girls.Then I think, who am I kidding. My husband wanted two children. I got lucky his...
More About: Comments , Speak , Volumes

Ah, Long Course Season
2008-04-27 17:13:00
Yes, my friends, long course season swimming for my two older swimmers has begun. Of course, it was 70 degrees yesterday and gloriously sunny as I sat inside a humid inside pool. Such is the life of a swim mom, eh? The countdown has started for when we will begin our recreational, "outdoor" swim team. Three weeks, my friends. Then as luck would have it, it will rain during everyone of those outside swim meets or be so blistering hot that I will covet the humid indoor pools. Again, such is the life of a swim mom. We had a new development this meet. I sat in the stands and BOTH of my kids sat on deck and got themselves entirely to their events. They came up occasionally for help with a cap or to say "Hi!," but, in general, they were self-sufficient. I left CG and Li'l Man home so I was alone--unencumbered--except for swim friends. They checked in with coaches without reminders. They didn't miss an event. They stayed hydrated and remembered to nibble on snacks. I spent my time chatti...
More About: Season , Long

A Quiet Beauty
2008-04-27 07:49:00
If you look really closely, you can see the woman in her emerging. Wasn't it just yesterday that she looked like this: My baby girl is growing so quickly. 3rd Grade today. College tomorrow. At least one new blog a day! ~Scout's Honor
More About: Beauty , Quiet

Now That's Extreme!
2008-04-26 12:30:00
PB was working on a project that required interviewing a grandparent.She chose my mother.My mother had some difficulty understanding the questions. She also had some humdingers of answers. Question: "Grandma, what did you do for fun as a child?" Her answer: "Pick apricots." Whooo-ey. Burn down the barn, we're going to have us some fun picking froots. Did I mention she grew up on a farm? I would think milking cows or her favorite memory of licking the milk bucket in the winter and getting stuck would apply as well. Next question: "How far did you walk to school?" Snort! You know what's coming, right? Her answer: "Three miles. Each way." I am sure it was uphill both ways and in the snow. Actually being a rural community, it might be true, but I swear she mentioned a school bus to me once. Next question: "What was the weather like Grandma?" Her Answer: "Cold." I now feel for the Oprah's of the world interviewing celebrities. I think these questions were meant to open up a dialogue ...
More About: Extreme