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American Society
2008-06-06 04:41:00
My friend Carlos let me cheat on our SOCIAL STUDIES quiz last week using HIS answers...Too Bad he got some shit WRONG!!He's an IDIOT and filled in "TEACHERS" TWICE!Because of CARLOS, I only got an 80%, I'm never using stupid cArlos's anwers AGAIN!
More About: Society , American

Katie
2008-05-23 21:51:00
couldn't come to class last week, she told me she wasn't feeling good.YEAH RIGHT FAKERRRR!!!!
More About: Katie

Cat
2008-05-23 21:45:00
My friend Tyler found this cat:

Trevor
2008-02-01 10:08:00
I've been running on the CROSS COUNTRY team all winter, but I'm NEVER gonna be as good at running as TREVOR!HE'S the team CAPTAIN, and even though he doesn't talk to ME very much, I ALWAYS listen to him when he tells us about the best ways to run and WORK OUT and stuff.Like how he told us to eat lots of CARBS the night before a race... I REALLY followed his advice and told my MOM she hadda make me a HIGH- CARB dinner last week before our race.She's RETARDED though, and made a DISGUSTING dinner of PASTA with BEANS on it!I didn't WANNA eat it, but I DID.You PROBABLY think that I'm gonna tell about how I FARTED like KRAyzEe the next day and the TURBO BOOST from the FARTS help me run SUPER FAST and I WON the RACE and EVEN BEAT TREVOR!!!, but that's not what happened...The next morning before my RACE, my DAD took my running shoes by ACCIDENT and wore 'em to WORK! I had NO CHOICE but to wear HIS sneakers and they FUCKING STANK but I HAD NO CHOICE!!!!THEN, on the bus ride to th...

Skeeter
2008-01-24 09:15:00
Hey I almost forgot to tell you!!I was all sad and BORED all the time back in December b/c my Mom wouldn't let me use the COMPUTER, so my DAD felt SORRY for me and got me an AWESOME HORSE for Christmas!!I named him SKEETER and we let him live in the garage with our turtles!After a WEEK or so, it go real hard tryin' to take care of Skeeter. He kept SHITTING all over the garage and it costed Dad like $1000 bucks just to feed him and after only a couple days our whole apartment smell like a BARN.So my Mom told me and my Dad we hadda get "RID of the piece of SHIT horse!" and we put and ad up on craigslist.Some KID answered the ad in like an HOUR, and later that day some NERDY IDIOT named Scott came over to take Skeeter.When Scott came near Skeeter to meet him, I whispered in Skeeter's ear "NOW Skeeter, NOW DO IT!! Bite off his PENIS!!"He DIDN'T though. He just STOOD THERE like an IDIOT!

Diane
2008-01-17 07:22:00
My parents' friend Diane is staying with us this week...she may SEEM weird, but she is FUN!!See – Diane used to be PHIL, and was a married man with kids and and office job and everything and SUPER STRESSED OUT all the time until last year she realized that she was so stressed out b/c she was never MEANT to be a MAN at ALL! THEN she went to Thailand and had her BALLS cut off and her penis REVERSED inside her so it became a sensitive HOLE like a vagina! NOW Diane can finally RELAX...And RELAX she does!!Last night, after my parents went to sleep, Diane busted out a JOINT and axed me and my cousin Jorge if we wanted to SMOKE some GANJJJJJJJJ with her! Of course we DID....but she didn't know we were ALREADY on ACID and planned to watch the Wizard of Oz while playing Dark Side of the MOON album. I've done it before, and it REALLY FUCKING WORKS!!Me and Jorge convinced Diane to smoke with us and watch the movie, and at FIRST she was all, "This is BULLSHIT it doesn't synch up at all....

PARTY on Saturday!!
2008-01-15 08:24:00
OH MAN!! Saturday night's party was STUPID!My parents went out of TOWN this weekend so I invited EVERYONE over and ME, Mike, Jackie, and some other people ate Ecstasy and EVERYONE kept telling each other how much they FUCKING LOVED EACH OTHER and telling ME that TOO, but I was on the floor pretending I was deaf and retarded and I didn't CARE WHO loved me or whatever because I was pretending I couldn't hear them ANYWAY!Then when I was moaning some retarded stuff on the floor and fake drooling, someone ran downstairs and told me that Andy was O.D.ing in my bathroom!I ran up there and Andy was sitting behind my toilet jerking around like a REAL mentally challenged person and he was REALLY drooling...out of his NOSE!!!!I told him that he COULDN'T O.D. behind my toilet and that he HADDA get the fuck outta my HOUSE and then I made him get up and walk out the door and down the street away from my house.I think his friends came to pick him up later or something...ANYWAY then I went bac...
More About: Party

Jermaine
2008-01-11 07:44:00
My MOM is SO ANNOYING!!SHE thinks that since she FINALLY let me use the COMPUTER again, she can just dump her CHORES on ME!Like YESTERDAY, I had to BABYSIT Li'l JERMAINE while SHE went to the BEAUTY PARLOR to get her HAIR COIFFED!I HATE babysitting, so I tried to ignore Li'l J, but he kept askin' me to pretend I'm OLD and DEAF and fall down on the floor and try and get up...I wouldn't DO IT though!!

BACK!!!
2008-01-08 08:45:00
WOWIE!! I thought I'd NEVER get to Blog AGAIN, but now I CAN thanks to Fat Rhonda!!It's been like 3 MONTHS since my BITCH SISTER showed my MOM BORTOPIA and my MOM FREAKED OUT andtold me I COULDN'T use the computer EVER AGAIN because "I BEST NOT be WRITING all those BULLSHIT LIES on the INTERNET ABOUT OUR FUCKING FAMILY!!!"I TOLD my RETARDED HITLER MOM that I haven't made ANYTHING up and anyway its NONE of her STUPID BUSINESS what I blog about, but she wouldn't let me use the COMPUTER even when I CRIED and PEED my pants AND THREW OUT her STUPID CIGARETTES!!She WOULDN'T even let me go on my MYSPACE page for like, 2 SECONDS!!!!I didn't know what to DO, so I finally axed Fat Rhonda about it last week and BEGGED her to talk to my mom, and she DID!!!Later that night her and my Mom went out somewhere, and I dunno WHAT the fuck they did, but a couple of days later my mom came into my room and told me I could use the COMPUTER again but that I COULDN'T write ANYTHING about HER or the...
More About: Back

Wheels
2007-10-04 07:50:00
MAN, I saw my Uncle Charlie on Monday, and he is moving UP in the WORLD!He was all, "Yo Bort, lemme tell YOU somethin'...you can't be pickin' up the BITCHES on FOOT! If you wanna gets the LADIES, you gotta get you a FLY CAR!""FLY CAR = FLY BITCHES!!"I checked out his wheels and HOT BABE for a sec, then I SMELLED somethin' WEIRD....It smelled like some BABY crapped his pants!!!I was all, "Yo, does it STINK like BABY SHIT 'round here?Uncle Charlie was like, "What you talkin' bout Bort? They ain't no smell! SHUTUP BORT!!"HAHA!! I knew it! I knew it! And I told his GIRLFRIEND what I KNEW!!!!!UNCLE CHARLIE CRAPPED HIS PANTS!!!
More About: Wheels , Heel , Eels

The Mayor
2007-09-23 22:10:00
On Wednesday my mom told me she was gonna get me out of school early because the next afternoon we were gonna meet the MAYOR!When I woke up on thursday I found a note from my mom sayin' that she went to work early and that I hadda iron a nice shirt to wear to meet the MAYOR...THEN I realized I was the only one HOME, and I RAN to my brother's room and took out his Playboy mag so I could look at BOOBS while I ironed my shirt. ZOMG I got carried away lookin' at BOOBS and I almost MISSED the bus to school! I rushed out the house and just barely caught it in time!Around 2 pm I got back home from school and I was READYREADYREADY to meet the MAYOR, but when I walked in the door I heard my MOM yellin' "WHAT'S THIS PORNO!!! WHAT'S THIS PORNO!!!??!?!"I forgot to put it away!She came downstairs and was all, "BORT IS THIS YOURMUTHERFUCKINGPORNO?!?! GET THIS FUCKINGDIRTYFUCKINGSHIT OUTTA MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!"OH LORDY!! I LIED like CRAZY and I told her it was my cousin Edgar's and that H...
More About: Mayor

Rodrigo
2007-09-14 07:08:00
On my way home from the BAR last night, I stopped into the bodega near my house.I USUALLY stop there to buy a beer on the way home from the bar (so i can keep getting drunk while I play video games), but last night, I had a DIFFERENT plan...Instead of beer, I bought ICE CREAM!!!When I took it to the counter, Rodrigo was like, "Hey Bort, no beer tonight?"I retorted, "No, no, Rodrigo my friend. No Beer for ME tonight....Tonight, I will smoke POT and eat ICE CREAM!!!"Rodrigo was all, "As long as your spending MONEY, s'ok wit' me, but MAN, my wife don't let me smoke weed OR eat ice cream...she say she don't want no FAT, STONED nigga for no husband!"I was taken aback by this statement!I asked him, "Rodrigo, do you think I could get FAT from eating ICE CREAM???!?!"He smiled, and said, "Yeah, but you got time...it would prally take about a month....well, maybe a couple days..."RADICOOL!! I went home and BLAZED and then I ate the WHOLE FUCKING THING!!!

Neighbors
2007-09-04 07:22:00
Some new FANCY people moved into that renovated building down the street from us...I never thought I would get to see what their apartment looks like from the INSIDE, but Saturday night I was out walking my dog Indiana, and when I walked by I heard music coming from the building! I went over to the window to spy on the party, and can you even believe it?I saw my friend Jackie in there!I called her name, and she came over and was all,"Bort!! Gettttttttttttttttt D R U N K!!!"I went in and drank a SHITLOAD of whiskey with Jackie for a while and I was watchin' her LAUGH and LAUGH about her ex-BF, and THEN I saw those LORD of the RINGS action figures over on the BOOKSHELF!I went over there and put Gollum humping Legolas while he blew Bilbo Baggins and I started moaning like how my PARENTS do....and I was ABOUT to leave Gollum in that position but then Jackie was all, "Yo BORT, the girl that lives here is WATCHIN' you DO that and she looks PISSED!"I started PRETENDING that...
More About: Neighbors

Uncle Bud
2007-08-22 04:33:00
Cripes!We saw Uncle Bud yesterday!My parents dropped me and my brother Chris off at Orchard Beach on Saturday, and we was gonna have a cookout right there on that beach! We brought a grill, charcoal, and a shitload of MGD.We thought we were ALL SET, until MOM called and told us that we "PATHETIC LOSERS forgot to bring the FUCKING HOT DOGS TO GRILL!!!"SHIT, we din't know WHAT to do, and we DID feel like LOSERS without any DOGS to grill an' THEN Chris is all, "yo Bort, izzat UNCLE BUD walkin' towardz us?"It WAS! It really was!!! I couldn't believe it!!!Uncle Bud saw us and came over and we 'splained about not havin any DOGS and he smiled and said, "Hey guys, I got a hot dog for you right here..."

MIA
2007-08-16 22:45:00
OMG I went to see a fuckin' CONCERT in Brooklyn!!That was like two weeks ago....

LeShawn
2007-07-25 03:50:00
We all wuz playin' in Pelham Bay Park yesterday an' Darnell said he wantid ta play FREEZE TAG an' first IT was LeShaw n and LeShawn closeded he EYES an' we was RUNNIN' an' laughin' 'bout how SLOW his ass was couldn't catch NONE us!!HAHA! I kept runnin' an' TELLIN' LeShawn he so SLOW an' shit and he be all "I'll GIT you Bort!!" but I MATRIXED out da way an LeShawn got CARISSA instead but I ran AROUND LeShawn an then I TAG Carissa so she FREE but then LeShawn come up n GET ME on my SIDE!DANG! LeShawn FROZE MY ASS!!

Freedom Camp
2007-07-19 03:05:00
HOLY FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!It's been two whole months since sketchy governmint dudes in black suits kicked down the door to my house and brought me to FREEDOM CAMP!I can't really talk about FREEDOM CAMP or what happened to me or why I was there...We hadda wake up EARLY as HELL every morning and bow down to the The Statue of FREEDOM, and one time I REFUSED and the guards made me go to church AND listen to the BARNEY SONG 24hrs/day for the next three weeks!!It was the WORST 3 weeks EVER!!!!Anyway.... ALLAHU AKBAR, praise be to the Muslim Goat Lord, my time at FREEDOM CAMP was a silly SILLY government mistake and I'm back at home in the BRONX again.At LEAST my MOM has been SUPER nice to me since I got back.She bought me some ICE CREAM and she EVEN took me to see the TRANSFORMERS movie last week!!Too bad it FUCKING SUCKED!!!!!
More About: Freedom , Camp

Anal
2007-05-11 18:51:00
Anal sits behind me in Social Studies class.He thinks he's the TEACHER'S PET!!!Every time Mr. Murray asks a question about the Iroquois or about the Teapot Dome scandal, I ALWAYS know the answer, but he doesn't call on me he calls on stupid Anal!And Anal doesn't even answer right away, either!He just complains and COMPLAINS that "my name is ANIL, ANEEEEEL!!!! NOT ANAL!!!It's ANIL!!!!"Whatever ANAL!!! Just answer the question!!!!
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Andrew
2007-05-07 08:57:00
My cousin Andrew has the same birthday as me.It RUINS my birthday every YEAR!!!I ALWAYS have to SHARE my party with my idiot cousin and his molester friends.This year, my MOM made us her crappy chocolate "Super-Cake" as usual, and CAVITY Andy ate like 3 slices of that shit!THEN we played Katamari for a couple hours, until my parents fell asleep...As soon as we heard their door close we stold the resta my DAD's vodka and went down to the BASEMENT.I kept makin' Andy take shot after shot and then I told him to take his SHIRT off, not like I'm GAY or anythin', I just wanted to see if his SIX-PACK is as cut as MINE.He took off his shirt and I took off mine, and I started flexin' my stomach muscles to show him how doing 65 CRUNCHES every day works, but he kept drunkenly STARIN' at the mole on my chest and askin if I had a third nipple or what.I told him he "could SHUT THE FUCK UP about MOLE-O!" and I pushed him right into my dad's TROPHY display case!He fell down on the floor and s...
More About: Drew

Jennie
2007-04-25 09:33:00
Jennie wrote me back!Except, actually, it wasn't the Jennie I THOUGHT it was....She wrote me that YES, of course she gives good head and I was so SILLY for not remembering that time on NEW YEAR'S!THEN she asked me if I was still OBSESSED with Manet and if I still thought his art was "A window to truth..."I told her "NO WAY Jennie, Manet's just like, an artist for BABIES!!"Doesn't she even KNOW about Dash Snow!??!?!!DUH!!!
More About: Jennie

Lollipop dance
2007-04-19 08:34:00
I ran into my brother's freind Dave and his pal Carlos at Rocky's Bar on Morris Park last night.I dunno WHY Dave always gotta talk about that STUPID dance I used ta do when I was just like, a little kid!I tried to avoid making eye contact with Dave, but he came RIGHT over, and he was like, "Yo Bort, do that LOLLIPOP DANCE you used to do! That dance makes me LAUGH and LAUGH!!"I was all, "Yo Dave, I don't DO that dance anymore!! That's just like, a stupid little KID dance!"But he was all, "NAH Bort, you GOTTA show my boy Carlos here dat dance! DAT dance is tha SHIT!"THEN Dave started tellin' OTHER people at the bar about the dance, and pretty soon, EVERYONE was askin' me to do it!I just wanted another DRINK, but when I axed Rocky for a whiskey, he WOULDN'T give it!HE was all, "NO DRINKS until I see that LOLLIPOP DANCE."I didn't want to do it, but I did....I welcomed them ALL to MUNCHKIN LAND!!!
More About: Dance

Jennie
2007-04-17 08:54:00
I don't remember this girl so well, but a coupla weeks ago I got an EMAIL from her telling me that she's had a SECRET for SEVEN YEARS:She's COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH ME!!!I wrote her RIGHT back when I was drunk, and asked her if she gave good head because I ONLY like girls who give good head...She DIDN'T EVEN write me BACK!!!
More About: Jennie

Eric
2007-04-09 07:08:00
Everybody is always asking me, "Bort, why is Eric so FUCKING MEAN?"I usually just say, "I don't even WANNA know!" and leave it at that.But at that party we were at on Saturday, Eric just stood in the corner with Douchey Andy and Boring Peter making FUN of everyone ELSE at the party that couldn't grow a BEARD!And Peter and Andy kept GIGGLING about it, even though they can't grow SHIT EITHER!Finally, I walked right up to Eric and told him I thought it was SICK how he's had egg salad in his beard ALL NIGHT and that it's not even hip to have a beard these days ANYWAY so he should just go home and SHAVE.He was all, "WHATEVER, BORT, at least I can even GROW a beard!!!"Peter and Andy starting CRACKING UP at me like crazy when he said THAT!!!!FINE, ERIC, we'll see what happens....

Miracle
2007-04-06 08:35:00
After the rats in the basement killed Snipples last year, we've had a family of MICE move right into our stove like they OWNED the place!!I would hear 'em scratchin' around at ALL HOURS of the NIGHT.ONE even ran RIGHT across my FOOT when I was cookin' muh BEANS!!!So my DAD got two NEW cats. We called 'em Fluffy 2 and Sept. 11, hoping they would be LETHAL MOUSE KILLING MOTHER FUCKERS.Too bad they din't do SHIT! They just fought amongst THEMSELVES like they was the HATFIELDS vs McCOYS!!So I hadda take matters into my OWN hands!Yesterday, I set some MOUSE TRAPS, the kind that SNAPS those pesky mice DEAD!THEN, while I was sleeping last night, I got WOKEN UP by a LOUD ***SNAP!****I RAN downstairs to see what happened...It was a FUCKING MIRACLE!!!!!
More About: Miracle , Mira

Sam and Pamimaninionarano
2007-04-02 06:46:00
Sam and Pamimaninionarano are the fucking happiest couple AROUND!They're BOTH really nice too, but I think that makes it WORSE!Every time I see them, I know I should feel happy for them, but it just reminds me of what my MOM is always telling me about myself: That I'm a pathetic LOSER!"THAT makes me drink as MUCH as I possibly CAN.....WHOA BE IT to the consequences!Last night we were all out drinking together, and I was sitting next to Pamimaninionarano and I was all drunk an' shit and I KNEW her boob was touching my arm but I DIDN'T MOVE!And Sam was sitting across from me and telling me all about his new website or something but I couldn't pay him no mind NO HOW!!I just kept thinking boob boob BOOB!!
More About: Mani , Iman , Nara

Color TV
2007-03-28 06:32:00
Dad came home ALL EXCITED yesterday b/c he FINALLY got a COLOR TV.SO WHAT DAD, we didn't give a SHIT!!We were all too busy watching old SEINFELD episodes on YOUTUBE to care about dad's new toys.He kept tryin' to show it OFF to us, but we were like, "WHATEVER dad, why don't you go watch some COMMERCIALS!"THAT made dad STORM off in a FURY!I think he's downstairs right now still trying to get the antenna to work...Or whatever....
More About: Color

Marlene
2007-03-19 06:12:00
Marlene's MUCH nicer than her TWIN SISTER, Lurlene!MARLENE showed me about FROGS and also how to cook MARSHMALLOWS on a stick and ALSO how to tell a louse from a chigger, but LURLENE wouldn't even give me the time of DAY when I asked her!Guess what LURLENE, I don't need you or your watch anymore! MARLENE taught me how tell time by the position of the SUN!!It's 4:10, FUCK YOU!!!!
More About: Lene , Arlene

Lunch Line
2007-03-15 05:06:00
We was on line fo' lunch at school yestuhday, and Bandeena was tellin' us ALLLL about her CRAYZEH RABBIT that EATS SHIT 'STEADA CARROTS!!DAMN, dat rabbit musta been CRAYZEH!!!!MAN, I wuz LAUGHIN' bout DAT 'til my STOMACH hurt, and I hadda BEND OVER it hurt so much an' when I DID I saw sho' nuff a bag a COKE onna FLOOR!RIGHT ONNA SCHOOL LUNCH LINE!!SHEET, I axed Roberta da LUNCH LADY 'bout dat coke an if it wuz herz or WHAT, but she said ta "PUT DAT SHIT AWAY I AIN'T SEEN DAT SHIT!!"Well, DAMN, I din't know WHAT ta do, so I axed BANDEENA if she even WANTED dis BAG.She tol' me "HELLLL NO! I AIN'T DOIN NO FLOOR COKE!"NAH!!!!!!
More About: Lunch , Line

Grandma Phyllis
2007-03-12 05:43:00
Grandma Phyllis ain't nothin' but a PISS-FACED PEEPEE MOUTH!She TOLD us ALL about it last night!Grandma was in her apartment on friday, and she was half-way through her morning coffee when her UTI kicked in, and she hadda PISS!!But her toilet was BROKEN!!SHE said she had NO CHOICE but to piss in her coffee cup, so she DID, then she put it on her kitchen table and FORGOT ABOUT IT!!!Then LATER in the day, she FOUND her full cup of coffee and her table and DRANK IT!!Halfway though her SECOND sip, she suddenly REMEBERED about that CUP and what happened in the MORNING!Grandma couldn't HELP but GIGGLE when she told us "I DRANK MUH OWN PISS!!!"
More About: Grand , Grandma

Uncle Mike
2007-03-05 16:59:00
Uncle Mike was the COOLEST air force pilot EVER!!!He flew like 4 TRILLION missions over Afghanistan after Sept. 11th, and he even KILLED Osama bin Laden!!!AFTER that, he was ALL SET to return home a big WAR HERO, but then he hadda go to IRAQ!He was flyin' ALL around Iraq killing TERRORISTS, until one day he saw SADDAM HUSSEIN runnin' around down there!!He was ABOUT to drop a bomb on crazy ole' SADDAM, when outta NOWHERE Uncle Mike's PLANE got SHOT DOWN!!Uncle Mike was a GENIUS pilot though...He CRASH LANDED his plane right into SADDAM'S FACE!!!!!
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