Cloud Anxiety and the Malevolent Curve

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Ten Things that make me go Aaaaarrrggghhhh
2007-11-03 22:45:00
1. The fact that "pay and display" car parks have machines that do not possess the ability to give change, but then charge amounts like 55p to park.A liberty.2. Parents who push their kids into talent shows, when they have no particular talent in that area.Pushy sods.3. Waiting thirty five minutes to speak to an operator about cancelling my broadband, when I got through to a standard operator immediately.How long?4. Jennifer Lopez.Still Jenny from the block my arse.5. People who park in either disabled spaces or parent and child spaces, when they have no right to do so.Park somewhere else!6. England penalty shootouts.Ouch.7. People who say "aaahhh" after swallowing each mouthful of their food.Swallow your food properly.8. People who type "of" instead of "have" on internet forums.eg I should of taken the red pill.Learn some grammar.9. People who are continually checking or speaking on their mobiles (cellphones) during a conversation.Ignorance.10. People who whistle.Stop it. Like now.
More About: Make , Things

Writers Block
2007-10-31 23:39:00
Four times today I've logged on here. And four times today I've logged out. Actually, make that three, as I haven't logged out of this session yet. But the problem is, that I haven't actually got anything funny that I can talk about - so this post is kinda aimless.National Anthems - that's what I'm going to talk about. Stay with me here, because this is blogging "live" - making it up as I go along, so if it goes astray, then you'll know why. I want to compare the British and the American national anthems, as I heard them both at Wembley on sunday, one after the other (I also saw a male streaker make it to the centre of the pitch, and security not respond for at least a minute, which was absolutely hilarious - keystone cops moment).So which one is better?? The American or the English (I'm gonna call it that, because the other "home" nations generally use other songs)??The American is definitely more rousing."And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air" sure beats "se...
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This could only happen to me....
2007-10-29 11:14:00
Last night I went to Wembley for the NFL game - and if you like your sport, any sport, I would strongly advise that you go try and go to an NFL game - it was a tremendous night, despite the game not being one of the best.It was wet, the quality of play in the mud was poor, it was cold - but there is no way I would miss it for the World if they came back to the UK.However, it is not the actual game I want to talk about.I was going with my sister in law, Emma, and I had arranged to meet her there. On my way out of the house, I realised the battery on my phone was low, so I asked my wife if I could take her mobile instead. So I got to Wembley, and was standing outside the gate where we were due to go in, so I scrolled down the numbers in my wifes phone, and found "Emma" and "Emma home". Using the few grey cells I have, I deduced that the number I should call was "Emma" and not "Emma home", seeing as she wasn't at home (see, clever!!). Here is the conversation...Me : Hi Emma, it's Nic...

So..
2007-10-27 23:14:00
..it's been three days since I last posted, which in my blogging career is one of the longest gaps ever. 72 hours since I last logged on to blogger, and tried to write something that I find humorous (kinda wondering if it actually "humourous" being an English blog, as we say "humour" instead of the u-less "humor").But it has been a rather exciting three days in my blogging career. You see, a company called Party Poker have given me $25 to play poker with - which isn't actually that exciting. But they want me to try and turn $25 into as much as I can by playing poker - but once again, not that exciting. However, they have asked to me become part of their blogging team, and they want me to write about my efforts in a weekly article, which for me is pretty damn exciting.Tomorrow I am off to Wembley Stadium to see the NFL game between the Miami Dolphins and the New York Giants. I'm thinking this could be a fantastic experience. I got into "Gridiron football" as I used to call it when...

Fishy
2007-10-24 22:36:00
Spent the morning and early afternoon at the in-laws today, and headed back mid afternoon. Now lunch was quite big, so my wife and I decided to bypass dinner, and just have a sandwich. We did fish fingers for the kids, and whilst the kids were eating my wife was tucking into a fish finger sandwich with mayonnaise (not my idea of a sandwich, but she is from Kent...)However, it wasn't the content of the sandwich that was catching my eye - it was the way she was eating it. She ate all the crusts first, and then proceeded to eat the non-crusty part."You don't normally eat a sandwich like that," I remarked, as she didn't normally eat a sandwich like that."Yes I do. I always have."We've been married for eight years and together for twelve years, and I didn't know that. But then the alarm bells started ringing. Maybe she HASN'T always eaten a sandwich like that. Maybe something in her sandwich eating habits has changed. Maybe she has toothache. Or worse. Maybe she is having an affair...

Pirate Music
2007-10-23 17:54:00
A huge pirate muisc website has been shut down today in the north east of England.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/englan d/tees/7057812.stmPopular songs such "Yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum" and "It's a Pirate s Life for Me" now will only be available from all good record shops.
More About: Music , Irate

Population
2007-10-23 17:41:00
It has been predicted that the population of the UK is to rise by another 4.4 million to 65 million by the year 2016.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/705776 5.stmA spokesman for the little known political party "Sardines for Justice" said,"Now you know how it feels!!!"
More About: Pula

A Week of Sporting Woe
2007-10-22 09:45:00
Well it all started last wednesday at 4pm. England travelled to Russia to take part in a crucial European Championship qualifier (football if you're from England, soccer if you call football that game where the ball is thrown a lot - never understood that one). The overpaid, egotistical bunch of millionaires who care more about club football, and more importantly club wages (apart from Michael Owen) England team took an early lead through Wayne Rooney, but then were outplayed and ended up losing 2-1, and now qualification looks highly doubtful.Are we one of the best 16 teams in Europe?? Yes.Should we be in the finals?? YesDid we show enough passion?? Hell, no.Saturday night saw the Rugby Union World Cup Final. Now I am not a Rugby fan, but I have been totally gripped by the whole tournament. Four years ago we were the best team in the World, went to the World Cup as favourites, and justified that favouritism by taking the trophy home after an epic final against Australia. Four year...
More About: Sporting , Week

Poker Blogging
2007-10-20 16:41:00
I have decided to start a "poker-only" blog to go alongside this blog, which will be poker free.http://cloudpoker.wordpress.com/
More About: Poker , Blogging , Poke

Bungled
2007-10-18 23:19:00
Four artists are vying for the coveted "Turner Prize" (art).One of the artists is Mark Wallinger, with his effort "Sleeper" - a recording of ten nights he spent alone in Berlin's Neue NationalGalerie in a bear suit.However, Bungle, the star of long running TV show "Rainbow" is really not happy about the whole thing."Look, I'm not being funny," he said, "but this is an absolute joke. He spent ten nights in a German gallery - I spent fifteen years having to work alongside two fucking puppets. And what did I get???? What did I get??? Nothing is what I got...""I sat by and watched when everyone did impressions of Zippy. Whoever does Bungle impressions??? Have you ever seen a Bungle impression?? Nope. Have you ever seen a picture of me on a T-shirt?? Nope. Zippy this. Zippy that. Zippedee-fucking-doodah. Anyone would have thought I didn't exist.And now this guy comes along, sticks a bear suit on and is up for a prize. Did I ever get nominated for a Bafta?? Did I heck. You wanna try ke...

Money for Nothing...Cheques for Free
2007-10-17 08:43:00
As a large proportion of my readers know, I am heavily into poker (the card game, not the fireside implement), and I have stumbled across a challenge for myself in poker.The challenge is called the "Jesus" challenge. Now I'm not talking about the "Jesus" who was around a couple of thousand years ago (you know the guy, was in a lot of films and had a bit of a sandal fetish), but Chris "Jesus" Ferguson (see pic), a professional poker player - whose aim was to turn $1 into $10,000, by adhering to strict staking guidelines. This challenge is very popular amongst poker players and if I see another blogger solely charting their progress in this challenge I'll scream and there are many interesting blogs dedicated to the subject. So there was I, after a bad run at poker, looking at my various poker accounts to see if I had any cash left in any of them - and then I saw that one site (Party Poker) had given me a free $40 to entice me back with so I blow a whole lot more money with them to p...
More About: Money , Free , Cheque

Amir Khan
2007-10-16 20:43:00
A court heard today how British Olympic silver medallist boxer Amir Khan accelerated through a red light and knocked down a pedestrian on a pelican crossing..http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/engl and/manchester/7047734.stm.The pedestrian, Geoffrey Hatton, suffered a broken leg..Onlookers were said to be surprised when Mr Khan, 20, allegedly jumped out of the car, stood over the man and started shouting,."One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, YOU'RE OUT"
More About: Amir Khan

Strumming
2007-10-15 22:04:00
On wednesday night I have my first guitar lesson.No, actually that is a lie, wednesday night I have my fourth guitar lesson. The first three lessons were in a class a year ago (note, if you ever attend nightschool for guitar lessons, you’ll find the other students quite easy to spot). There were twelve of us, and the first hour and a quarter of each lesson were spent tuning our guitars, so we all sounded the same. Not great when the lessons lasted an hour and a half.Between lessons three and four a little baby (six pounds six ounces, blue eyes and a particular affinity for milk) was born to my wife, and the lessons were no more. I did try and sign up for the class again, but it was full, so plan B came into action.“Guitar for Dummies” failed, so plan C was instigated.Plan C was to find myself a tutor, and a search online found a tutor, and funnily enough the tutor lives about half a mile away. Now I didn’t know if the advert I found was current, or ten years old, so I took t...

I don't know why I found this funny but....
2007-10-14 23:08:00
My wife came in today, and had been chatting to our neighbour about our new driveway."He gave me a bit of advice," she said, "if we get an oil spill on the driveway, we should use a stiff broom and then put washing powder on it.""If we get an oil spill on the driveway, we should use a stiff broom and then put washing powder on it"Now, how the hell would anyone know that????Maybe he got an oil spill himself, and then thought, I know - I'll use a stiff broom and then put washing powder on it - and holy cow - it worked!!!!Maybe he read it in a magazine, in an article entitled "Oil Spills on Driveways - The Experts Discuss".However, here is what I think really happened.There is a laboratory somewhere, where they have thousands of driveways - and each of these driveways has oil spilt onto it.One of the driveways is a "control" driveway - and this driveway has no treatment whatsoever.Every other driveway is treated with a broom (with varying stiffness's), and a differing household powde...
More About: Funny

Glory
2007-10-13 22:54:00
"The Worst Team ever to defend a World Cup".NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.COME ON ENGLAND!!!!!!
More About: Glory

Bdelloid Rotifer
2007-10-12 16:18:00
An invertibrate called the "Bdelloid Rotifer" has survived for 80 million years without sex.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7 039478.stm I bet he's married....

Indy
2007-10-12 09:56:00
A survey of film fans has been conducted as to which film is the most anticipated for 2008.The number one film in this survey is the new Indiana Jones film, the first film in the series since 1989.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertain ment/7039319.stm"Indiana Jones and the Golden Zimmer Frame" is due for release in May 2008.
More About: Indy

Rilo Kiley - A Better Son/Daughter
2007-10-10 17:28:00
The best song I have heard this year - easily. For me it's about putting on a brave face when you fell exactly the opposite, but it works on many other levels as well (contains swearing - so don't play it too loud in front of the kids - like I did the first time I played it...)
More About: Daughter , Rilo Kiley

Radiohead
2007-10-10 10:08:00
Radiohead's new album will be available to download from October 10th, and in a groundbreaking scheme, downloaders will be able to choose the price they are willing to pay for the album, ranging between nothing and £100. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/ 7021743.stmJames Blunt tried the same idea (allegedly) but stopped after one day, as he owed his fans £9000.
More About: Radiohead , Adio

Home Alone
2007-10-09 17:44:00
Tomorrow (wednesday) evening sees me Home Alone. Not the "Home Alone" of the film, (you know the version where the kid grows up and gets a bit too friendly with Michael Jackson) but my own version, where I am not actually alone, but at home with both children WITHOUT THE WIFE!!!!Now I do this three mornings a week, no problem at all - it goes quite smoothly (as smoothly as looking after two children under four can be), but in the evening there are added responsibilities.The morning routine:BreakfastDressedThe Night-time routine:DinnerUndressedBathStoryGETTING THEM TO GO TO SLEEP...Here is how I see it going.6pm"Abbie, Megan - dinners ready"6.15pm"Abbie, dinners ready". Megan has a face full of pasta sauce.6.30pm"Abbie, dinners ready"."I'm just watching Peppa Pig"("I'm just" being her favourite words at the moment.)6.45pmAbbie is eating her dinner, Megan is playing with Abbie's dinner.7.00pmAbbie is wearing her dinner, after Megan played with Abbie's dinner."Abbie, time to go ups...

The Tale of the Bourbon Biscuit
2007-10-04 21:33:00
Tonight saw a trip to the local school. My eldest daughter, Abbie, will be four in December, and next September she starts at reception, and we were invited to an open evening at what is (hopefully) her future school.The evening was designed for the children to get used to the surroundings of a "bigger" school, and the chance for parents to look around.So we turned up, and we were greeted at the entrance by a table full of glasses of orange juice, and various packets of biscuits, including my favourite biscuit, the Bourbon (see pic).Unfortunately for me, the packet of Bourbons wasn't open as we went in, and the table was filled with the more boring custard creams and rich tea biscuits.We went into the classroom, and the children had a great time playing, and Megan (our eleven month old) had a great time putting everything in the whole room in her mouth - including three toy cars and a childs elbow.Great fun was had playing with the playdo, and eventually we let the kids have a go t...
More About: Tale

Aaarrgghhh
2007-10-03 11:57:00
Yesterday I had a plan.I was going to the concert - so the plan was to get there early, grab something to eat, and then head to the venue (I was going to see a group called the Decemberists).So I headed out of my road on the way to the tube station.Turned right - and then left - and then stopped.And stayed stopped.And stayed stopped.After half an hour, I phoned the wife."Can you check the traffic on AA.com. I'm stuck."She checked it."No traffic problems at all on the A10".Thanks AA. I'm obviously imagining the fact that I haven't moved EVER.I finally start moving, and then hear on the radio there's been an accident on the M25, and that is what is causing the problem.I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THE M25 - I WANT TO GO OVER IT - BUT I CAN'TI have a cunning plan - I take a left at the first opportunity - and avoid the M25 roundabout.EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS THE SAME IDEA.(sorry for the shouting)I reach the tube station after two hours and I have another problem. I need a wee ...

The Mariner's Revenge Song
2007-10-02 11:56:00
Tonight I go to see the Decemberists in concert at the Royal Festival Hall. The Decemberists are virtually unknown here in the UK, but are bigger at home in the US.They are quite quirky at times, and no more so than in this song (not their video by the way - was never released as a single - so some US students made their own video).
More About: Song , Revenge

Bits
2007-09-30 09:18:00
As a parent there are many key decisions one has to make.Choice of school is a huge one, and that is a decision we are in the process of making for our three year old daughter right now.Naming our children is another big one - they are stuck with that one for life, so nothing too silly (are you listening Hollywood??)However, there is another key decision, which is perhaps more important than both of these.What do you call genitals?????This is a toughie. Most things have names, and you tell your children these names. And I am sure there are some parents who tell their children the real names, but I would hazard a guess that most people pass on the names they used as a child to their children. This can pose a problem - as the parents most probably had different names they used as a child.Take my case for example.My wife - Willy and Bits Me - Doodoo and Mary (yep, Mary. I have asked my mum why many times, and it has now become one of those things that we now laugh about at family gather...

Crisis, What Crisis??
2007-09-27 21:50:00
I was quite happily about to check my e-mail, when something on the msn site caught my eye – an article about which are the most popular “mid-life crisis” cars.http://cars.uk.msn.com/news/car_news _article.aspx?cp-documentid=6230601I’m not what I call a petrol head by any means, but I have been saying for a while I’d quite like a Mazda MX5, so I read the article to see if that car was on the list, which thankfully it wasn’t – so I was somewhat pleased. Then something in the article grabbed my attention – they surveyed men between the ages of 35 and 45 for this article – which I qualify for by 18 months and 5 days (at the lower end of the scale, I might add). So this means that I am considered to be in the mid-life crisis “range”.This now had me worried.What are the signs of someone going through a mid-life crisis??So I googled “signs of a midlife crisis” and I found this site.http://www.personaltao.com/tao/midli fecrisis-signs.htm46 different signs that I som...
More About: Crisis , Cris

Progress
2007-09-26 08:46:00
This blog has now been going almost a month now.When I started it, I really didn't know where it was going, I just felt I needed to do something different. My poker blog was running a little dry, and I think that most of the reason that people read my "poker" blog wasn't because of the poker content, but the other content that went alongside.So I jumped ship and started again...with this blog."Cloud Anxiety and the Malevolent Curve"How did I get the name??Here, a band name generator, where I could put in optional word (Cloud). The name I chose was the first "band" name that came out - and I really liked it - so that's why the name! (if you wondered that is, you probably didn't, but maybe you did).The first couple of days it was a little more serious than it is now, but then I found I was writing more and more "humour" content (or as Americans say Humor - lazy sods - if you wanna use our language, please use all of the letters - lol).The problem I had however, is that I needed to...
More About: Progress

Cosmic Ordering Update
2007-09-25 09:21:00
Last monday I asked if anyone would like to put in a cosmic order with me - and I received three requests - and I think it went pretty darn well.Request number one was for poker blogger MikeSaban to win a few high profile poker games. Now although Mike didn't manage this, his wife did manage a win this week, so being the selfless guy he is, I think he must have foregone his own success for his lady wife.Verdict : SuccessRequest number two was from from an actor looking for a top London agent. I will admit to failure on this one - as far as I know right now it hasn't happened.Verdict : FailureThe final request was from John H, who would like Rachel Stevens sitting in his bath. Now, John H was an anonymous poster, and I have no way of contacting him. However, I am sure that had Rachel Stevens not been sitting in his bath, he would have come back to me and asked me why, so I am sure right now Ms Stevens is sitting surrounded by radox bubbles.Verdict : SuccessOverall Verdict : As a be...
More About: Update , Erin , Cosmic

Phil Spector and Edward Scissorhands
2007-09-24 16:51:00
....Made for eachother????
More About: Phil Spector , Phil , Edward , Edward Scissorhands

Googling
2007-09-21 09:02:00
If you are a follower of my blog(s), then you'll know I am a fan of looking up how people find my blog through google (see the tale of how I got to number one on google for the term "hairy gymnast" - here).This morning I was looking at my stats, and it seems that after my post yesterday about the annoying "Colonmate" e-mails I received a series of hits regarding colonmate.Just over 50% of my search engine hits yesterday were about "Colonmate". So I went to google, typed in "Colonmate" and there I was 8th on the list (there are only 12 entries on google - possibly 13 after this post).Now this got me thinking. Maybe I should become a Colonmate affiliate - maybe the UK's number one Colonmate distributor.How about "Cloud Anxiety - as bought to you by Colonmate!!"It does have a ring to it.And maybe the product is actually quite good.Look at the list - and you'll see two hits for "buy colonmate locally" and one for "where to buy colonmate" - now these hits were all from the same person...
More About: Googling

It shouldn't have been funny but...
2007-09-20 22:42:00
You ever watch them old films - around the Charlie Chaplin era - and the main character (either Mr Chaplin himself, Harold Lloyd, Laurel or Hardy) goes to pick up a hat, and every time he goes to pick it up his foot nudges the hat away, and he is left grasping at thin air - a famous old comedy move. Well my daughter unintentionally performed this move with her potty tonight. As she went to sit on it, the back of her foot nudged it away, and this is what happened...
More About: Funny