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Hemp Bags
2008-04-24 10:30:00
Jerry, Perry, and Cletus escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three hemp bags. They all jumped in.The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three hemp bags. One copper goes to the other "Kick the hemp bags to make sure nothing's in them"So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with Jerry and kicked it.He said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next hemp bag.The copper kicked the second heshin bag with Perry in it. He said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third hemp bag thinking a dog was in the second one.The copper kicked the third heshin bag with Cletus in it. And he said "Potatoes".
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Heaven's Ugliest
2008-04-24 10:27:00
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

The Frog and the Rat
2008-04-24 10:24:00
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give ...
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How to handle a Divorce
2008-04-23 06:44:00
A man is driving along a freeway at a steady 50km/h with his wife when she suddenly looks at him and says in a clear voice:"Darling I know we've been married for 20 years but I want a divorce."The husband says nothing, keeps looking at the road and slowly increases his speed to 65km/h.The wife says: "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a far better lover than you are."Again the husband says nothing but grips the steering wheel more tightly and increases the speed to 80km/h."I want the house," his wife says insistently, pushing her luck. The speedo goes up to 95km/h. "And I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete overpass.This makes the wife a little nervous, so she asks, "Isn't there anything you want?"The husband replies in a quite and controlled voice, "No, I've got everything I need."Oh really, so what have you got?" ask...
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Three Guys in Heaven
2008-04-23 06:17:00
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.“So,” Peter asks the first guy, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?”“None. I had a perfect marriage.”“Great,” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.“Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.“Okay,” says Peter. “You get a rusty Ford.”Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.“What’s wrong?”“I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!”
More About: Heaven , Guys

Good Advice - Military Style
2008-04-23 06:14:00
- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."- "Never trade luck for skill."- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"- "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."- "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - At...
More About: Military , Style , Good

51 Days.
2008-04-19 09:11:00
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blond...
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Rules For Managers
2008-04-19 08:51:00
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic . 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.8. If...
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Won the Part
2008-04-19 06:43:00
A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
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Management Quotes
2008-04-19 06:06:00
A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.Here are the top ten finalists:1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)6. "No one will believe you solved this prob...
More About: Management , Quotes

Minnesota Ghost
2008-04-17 13:25:00
This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota , and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the g...
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Work Vs. Prison
2008-04-17 13:24:00
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visitAT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!
More About: Work , Prison

Meals on Wheels
2008-04-16 13:03:00
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.The earth was no better for them than it was the cat.They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she ...
More About: Wheels , Meals

Your Daughter is Pregnant
2008-04-16 13:01:00
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?""Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
More About: Pregnant , Daughter

Seventeenth Chapter
2008-04-16 12:56:00
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week."Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."About half the class rose and came forward."The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

Male assertiveness
2008-04-16 12:49:00
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?""The funeral director," said his wife.
More About: Male , Assertiveness

King of the Jungle?
2008-04-16 12:48:00
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
More About: Jungle , King , The Jungle

Buy a Mac
2008-04-16 12:45:00
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.I was against it and an argument started.I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

Sales Competition
2008-04-16 12:44:00
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.
More About: Competition , Sales

Big Sale Day
2008-04-16 12:42:00
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line..."That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
More About: Sale

Two Troublemakers
2008-04-16 12:41:00
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove ...

Behaviorist Solution
2008-04-16 11:56:00
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful."Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!""That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better. How?""I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!""One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously."Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist.""A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?""Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
More About: Solution

Marriage Counseling
2008-04-16 11:53:00
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays a...
More About: Marriage

Cross Examination
2008-04-16 07:13:00
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?A. You see sir, we share the building w...
More About: Cross , Examination

Banged Up
2008-04-15 06:45:00
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed."Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.""And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor."Yes.""What did it say?""Don't stand up in the car!"

The Ultimate Marketing Strategy
2008-01-29 10:18:00
In a recent marketing campaign in Vancouver, 3M sought a strong image for their security glass. They modified a bus shelter and fitted their security glass and filled it with REAL BANKNOTES. Many have tried to gain access with golf clubs and baseball bats but obviously the glass remains intact! This is what you call having faith in your own product...
More About: Marketing , Marketing Strategy , Strategy , Ultimate

Women Drivers Award
2008-01-29 09:55:00
The Top 10 Contestants For The 2007 Women Drivers Her helmet is being worn backwardsWho do you think should get the gold medal ?.. :P
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Negotiation - Chinese Style
2008-01-28 13:16:00
Demands of The Hostage-taker "Meet my 3 demands or I'll kill the boy!"The Negotiation Negotiators assess the situation from next door.Chief ne! gotiator dispatchedNegotiation beginsNegotiation concludedCrisis OverIn the US, we would block off the street, take 12 hours to talk him out of it, spend $5 million giving him a fair trial, and pay his food and lodging for life. No wonder China-made products are so much cheaper than ours.
More About: Style , Chinese

New plane designed by Boeing using Gold for the Sultan of Brunei
2008-01-26 17:20:00
Have a look at new plane designed by Boeing ... for the sultan of brunei A ll that shines inside the flight are made of pure gold like wash basin ,frames,etc.......
More About: Gold , Sultan , Plane , Brunei

Plight of Travel Agents in America!! Hillarious
2008-01-26 06:05:00
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong wit...
More About: America , Travel , Agents