What Makes A Housewife Desperate?What Makes A Housewife Desperate?I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother of three. This is the story of my day to day. Boring to some, funny to many. It is what it is. No added fillers or preservatives. All names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. 
Articles
The Problem With Princesses
2009-01-16 16:06:00 I'll tell you a secret. I've always wanted to dress up like a princess. As a child I wore dresses to play outside in the dirt. And when all my friends were buying Guess jeans in middle school, I still preferred a skirt. Then there were formals and proms and the ultimate...my wedding. I chose puffy sleeves and skirts with lace and roses and all the romantic touches so important to my inner princess. But alas, I grew up, and this new, less romantic, less idealistic person rejects anything even remotely resembling a ruffle. (Ruffles, you know, accentuate all those things I am now busy trying to hide.)Though my days of ball gowns are over, my inner princess resurfaces now and then, but only when an occasion arises that merits her highness enforcing her monarchical rule. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I have two girls who inherited the same princess gene. When my youngest wanted a Sleeping Beauty dress for Christmas, I was giddy with excitement. Truth be told, I may have even planted t... More About: Problem , Princesses
Changing of the Guard
2008-08-05 19:58:00 Today I left my children.I left them for nearly seven hours. And from the looks of things, I will leave them five days a week for the next ten months. I left them at a school.Of course this doesn't sound so dramatic if you don't know I have homeschooled them for five years and neither of them - ages nine and six - have ever been to school before.After a harrowing school year here at home last year while trying to juggle mine and hubby's continuing educations and the kids' educations and hubby's job and all the other stuff life has to offer, we made a decision to send the kids to school on a two-year plan. In the span of that two years I would return full-time to finish my degree. At the end of that two years my oldest would be ready to start middle school and my youngest - age three now - would be ready for Kindergarten. The perfect time for reevaluation.Much struggle came with that decision, but in the end we did feel it was the right one. So in May, the plan was made. As long... More About: Changing , Guard
Chasing Lovely
2008-07-15 13:09:00 "Oh my god, did you see that woman in the gingham swimsuit?" My friend and I are sitting in the kiddie pool at the water park watching our little ones. What started out as a conversation about suits we like has become a critique of the bodies filling the swimsuits and I am becoming uncomfortable. She is three months pregnant and looks more svelte than I. I suck in my stomach a little to try to shrink the roll around my middle and simply say, "Yeah, I don't really like that suit." A woman in what looks like a knee-length sundress made of Lycra swimsuit fabric crosses our line of vision. "Now that I like," I quip, pointing her direction. "Lots of coverage. I wonder if it comes in floor length...with long sleeves...and a turtle neck." She laughs at my obvious self-deprecating joke and the conversation takes a turn elsewhere.I am not a small girl. In fact, one could argue that, on the cusp of my 35th birthday, I am not a girl at all. But since I am being frank about the matter of size,... More About: Lovely
Phantastic Phourth
2008-07-08 01:59:00 So, whadja do on the fourth? Cookout? Fireworks? Sweltering heat? More of the same?What did I do? Well, nothing much, really. I only sat in an air-conditioned theatre and watched a live performance of the longest running Broadway show in history.The Phantom of the Opera.(Cue driving organ theme.)In the eighth grade I had the soundtrack memorized, never even knowing what the show was or was about. Two years ago when the movie came out, I bought the DVD our of sheer curiosity. It was then that I finally put the music with the story and could fully come to appreciate the hype about Phantom.On Mother's Day of this year, I received the Mother's Day gift to end all Mother's Day gifts. Tickets to see the show on July 4th, with a dear friend, no less, to spare my husband the, ahem, experience. Independence Day? Celebrate our country's freedom? Screw that. Momma's goin' to see the Phantom.Walking into the already crowded Performing Arts Center my excitement was bubbling over in the for...
Alone In My Mind
2008-06-26 07:38:00 ?Mama, what are these called?? my three-year-old holds up the crunchy cellophane cereal bag, almost as long as she is tall.I look up from my book ? my third in three weeks ? and give her a succinctly sufficient answer. ?Crisp Rice.? It is a dark, rainy June morning and I have just started reading a new book with perfectly brewed, perfectly sweetened coffee in my bright yellow sunshine coffee cup at the kitchen table. It is a lazy summer Monday that feels like an autumn Saturday. Just me and my book. And those three underage people who live in my house and depend on me somewhat for their existence and livelihood. But other than that, I?ve got the day to myself. I keep reading.?Mama, I want some cwisp wice,? comes the inevitable response. ?In a cup. With a spoon. NO MILK!?I put my open book pages down on the table to signify that my pause is brief. Bookmarks actually denote a much longer break. Let it be known I am not putting the book down. I am only pausing. I take the bag from her ... More About: Mind
Rock N Roll
2008-04-16 05:15:00 There's an obnoxious squeaking in my ears.Two weeks ago we celebrated Brother's ninth Birthday. A couple of days before the party a friend calls me on her way home from birthday present shopping."Okay," she says. "First of all, tell me thank you.""Thank you?" I'm nervous."I found the coolest present for Brother with lots and lots of tiny pieces," she gushes. My knuckles tighten on the phone. "But I knew you would kill me if I got it, so I got something else." Ah, good friend. It's always great to have a sympathizer. She went on to tell me that she got him something equally cool and how excited she was for him to open it and that I would, of course, love it, too.In that case, I thought, it must be a magic wand. After all, what could be cooler than that?Party day came and Brother got some pretty cool stuff. None cooler, however, than the present from the afore-mentioned friend. It was a rock tumbler!!What the heck is a rock tumbler, you ask?It is - and I quote - "A high-tech tumbl... More About: Rock , Rock N Roll , Roll
How To Know It Is Past Your Child's Bedtime
2008-03-31 03:30:00 When you ask them to put away their shoes and put on their pajamas they dissolve into tears and shriek, "WHY DO YOU MAKE ME WORK LIKE CINDERELLA?????!!!!!!"In the event this happens to you, you will know, without a doubt, that said child has been pushed past the appropriate limit for being awake and you should drop kick, (ahem), I mean, deposit them as quickly as possible in the nearest sleeping recepticle. More About: Past
And the Lord Taketh Away...
2008-03-04 03:48:00 I'm a big meanie.Since implementing the new Clothes In the Hamper rule, the floor in my hall has stayed remarkably clothes-free. Well, when it's not overflowing, anyway. In fact, Sister has been The Enforcer, stuffing any stragglers she finds lurking around the outside of the hamper back in their proper place.Amazing.Since that rule worked so well, I thought I'd apply a slightly different version of the same rule to their rooms. I took a tip from my blogging friend, Kelli, and told them whatever was left on their bedroom floors after bedtime would not be there in the morning. This rule, I was hoping, would be especially helpful for Sister, who seemed to take such a liking to the laundry rule and who can never seem to find enough energy to pick up whatever she drags out.A little back story here: About a month ago I took Sister shopping for shoes as her tennis shoes were suddenly about two sizes too small. But, alas, Sister is not a tennis shoe kind of girl. She is more of a sparkl... More About: Lord , The Lord
Blast From the Past
2008-02-27 12:24:00 More than a week since I last posted. Pitiful, I know. But in my defense I had a couple of blogs started and Blogger lost them.Lost them.Like they were saved as drafts and then "poof"! Vanished into thin air.So today, we're going back in time, to one of my very favorite posts. I came across it the other day and it made me laugh. It was so not funny at the time, but thank goodness I can laugh about it now.Kind of like Blogger losing my blogs. Not funny now, but maybe later.Or not.Oh yeah, I like this one, too. And I'll get to work on rewriting the other posts.$*#*$@! Blogger!! More About: Blast from the Past , Past , Blast
Review: Deceptively Delicious
2008-02-19 14:39:00 Okay, if you have those dream children that eat every bite put in front of them, move on. You are a perfect parent and I suck in comparison to you and I don't wanna hear about it. But if you, like me, have kids that balk at most vegetables and routinely ask, "How many bites do I have to eat?" then you may be interested in what I have to say.A little more than a week ago I found Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook, Deceptively Delicious , on sale at Barnes and Noble. I was intrigued. She proposes that she hides vegetables in her children's food without them even knowing...and they LOVE it. She has a brownie recipe containing spinach.Spinach.I don't even like nuts in my brownies. Spinach?!So I brought it home. Well, first I paid for it, then I brought it home. And I couldn't wait to get started on my evil plan to lure my children into actually ingesting vegetables unawares.The first recipe we tried was Chicken Nuggets with pureed sweet potato in the breading. Sounds weird, I know. Now, th... More About: Review
Hey! Did I Tell You?
2008-02-14 03:13:00 I got an 86 on my first College Algebra exam.Applause. Applause.Of course, I was a wee bit disappointed it wasn't an A, but the semester is young...
Mystery Solved
2008-02-14 00:44:00 Every now and then I stop to ponder some of life's greatest mysteries, such as: StonehengeCrop Circles Why my family cannot put their dirty clothes in the basket.Seriously. Note the pink basket inside the closet. Note how empty it is. Note the incredibly large pile of dirty clothes on the floor directly IN FRONT OF the basket, even TOUCHING it. In fact, the clothes on the upmost top of the pile could easily topple over inside the basket with a good stiff breeze. New rule:Any clothing found on the floor does not get washed. If it is there for a week, it gets tossed. Think I won't do it? Watch me. I'll keep you posted. More About: Mystery
Memoirs Of An Addict
2008-02-12 21:00:00 Coffee is my drug of choice.I'm not in denial. I fully embrace the fact that I am an addict. I don't even hold the conviction that I should quit.I'm a full-blown junkie.One to two cups every morning. Two sugars and a splash of milk.This morning, I shuffled to the kitchen, as I do every morning, to get the crack a-cookin'. I'd had an especially difficult night with Baby, who has some kind of yucky respiratory thing going on. She was up and down all night coughing and blowing her nose while I kept administering medication and drinks of water, trying to ease her discomfort. It didn't help that I was up until 2 a.m., either.So, I go through the motions with my eyes only barely open. Empty old filter. Put in new. Two scoops of coffee. Six cups of water. Flip the switch. I shuffle back to the computer to check my email and wait anxiously for my brew. After a few minutes, I notice I can't hear the familiar sounds of percalation or smell the delicious aroma that would normally have m... More About: Memoirs , Addict
Lamenting Algebra...Again
2008-02-06 04:10:00 It's down to the wire now. After two semesters of non-credit preporatory Algebra classes, I am finally in College Algebra. After this semester, I will wash my hands of math classes and will be the bonafide ownder of a...Drum roll, please...Associates of Liberal Arts degree.Then it's on to the Big Kids College for the B.A.But for the next twelve weeks I will be sweating through Algebra yet again. Only this time, it counts. Whatever I make goes straight to my transcript.Yikes.Tomorrow morning is my first College Algebra test.I should be studying.But I don't wanna.I hate Algebra.
Wanted: Grandparents (or anyone else willing to babysit for free)
2008-02-03 03:52:00 I have the sweetest little neighbor lady across the street. Ms. Cindy's husband died about five years ago and we try to look out for her. Ms. Cindy has a daughter my age and two grandsons that love to play over here when they come visit grandma...which is every weekend.Now, I love Ms. Cindy. I love her daughter. And I love her dear little grandsons. But I have to admit, I feel a tinge of jealousy every weekend when her daughter drops off those little boys and leaves them to spend the night at grandma's house and she and her husband go do whatever it is childless grownups do on a Saturday night while I sit here at home surrounded by noisy, messy children and Hubby is at work.Where do I get one of those?!Don't get me wrong, my parents are fabulous grandparents. My kids adore them and they are great at coming, staying for an hour, spoiling the kids senseless and leaving. But they've never kept my kids overnight.Never.Part of it is my fault, really. I was very protective of ... More About: Free , Wanted
Music Appreciation
2008-01-28 14:36:00 When teaching Music Appreciation at the Superhouse, we are sure to expose our children to all the classics: The Doobie Brothers, Van Halen, Toto, Lynard Skynard and ZZ Top. On this particular evening, Hubby had put on "Sweet Home Alabama" and our kids released their inner rock stars. Is there anything more adorable than a toddler in a pink tutu playing air guitar?
The Voice of Reason
2008-01-14 20:58:00 You remember when I bought my new washer/dryer combo, don't you? It was June...maybe July. Ok, it was August. Click here for a refresher. That was about five months ago. But now I am beginning to lose faith in my dynamic duo. About a month ago, maybe two - Ok, it was October - the bleach and fabric softener dispensers stopped working in my washer. Fortunately the repairman came out, ordered the part and fixed within a week free of charge. I say "fortunately" because it was fixed and it was free of charge. However, a family of five cannot go a week without a washing machine and come out unscathed. So, "fortunately" we managed.This morning, with an hour to go before I must leave for class, I realize I have nothing clean to wear. Lucky for me I have this beautiful state-of-the-art washer and dryer with speed cycles on them, so this is certainly not a problem for a supermom such as I. I throw my needed load in the wash and deposit last night's load of whites in the dryer. I start them... More About: Voice , Reason
Twins Separated At Birth
2007-12-19 04:18:00 Look closely. The monkey in the top picture is Curious George. You may know him from the beloved children's books and more recently the Curious George movie and the hit TV show on PBS. He is known for getting into trouble and looking adorable.The eerily similar monkey in the above photo is my very own Baby. I am considering have her name legally changed to George. She loves climbing, bananas and is also known for getting into trouble and looking adorable.Allow me to expound.Today I put Baby down for a nap on my bed, which usually works out best if I am putting Sister down for a nap as they do share a room and mayhem and merriment ensue if I allow them to "nap" in the same room. I believe the term is "divide and conquer". So Sister in her room, Brother in his room and Baby in my room.I had returned to the kitchen ready to relax and enjoy my newly-created kid-free zone when Brother comes in and tells me that Baby had a dirty diaper and had taken it off in my room.Now, when I say "dir... More About: Twins , Birth , Separated
Bad Feet
2007-11-09 11:43:00 I have Algebra on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Literature at 9:30, Algebra at 11:00. Lately I have been having a hard time making my feet take me to Algebra class. I have an argument with them about being responsible and that "it will only make things harder if we skip". I have tried telling them we only have a few weeks left. I always win, but still, they fight me.Yesterday morning I had my usual Tuesday/Thursday morning coffee with friends, but it was made gloriously longer by the fact that my Literature class didn't meet. An extra hour and a half to basically goof off. Two friends left for class as another arrived and she and I spent some much needed time catching up at the coffee shop. She is the friend who knows me. Really, really knows me, inside and out. And if anything is bothering me, for some reason, it always comes out when I'm with her...ususally in the form of tears.The problem is, I've been walking around on the verge of tears for days, probably even weeks. Don't ask me... More About: Feet
Remember Me?
2007-11-07 17:50:00 Have you ever had one of those friends you haven't called in a while and then you start feeling guilty about calling, so you put off calling even longer because you know they will want to know why you haven't called and when you tell them it will just sound like empty excuses so you put off calling even longer to try to avoid feeling more guilty and before you know it you decide you can never, ever speak to them again for fear of being a complete and total loser?That would be me.A complete and total LOOOO-ZER.More than a month since my last post. And every time I sit down to blog I can't deal with the guilt so I avoid it altogether.So let me just sum up in the last month in a nutshell for you.Two words: Algebra Sucks.I spent six...count 'em...SIX freaking hours on Algebra yesterday only to score a record-breaking 62 percent on my quiz.I hate Algebra and I hope whoever invented it died a slow, painful death.Just when I think I'm getting it, turns out I'm not. It's like that b... More About: Remember Me
Girls Night Out
2007-09-28 13:38:00 "Mommy, will you play with me?" My oldest daughter, the very undemanding child who knows how to entertain herself, asks me this at least a dozen times a day. The problem is, I don't say "yes" very often. Not because I don't want to (although, if I'm being honest, sometimes I don't want to), it just seems like there is never time. When I'm not doing homework, there's all those annoying chores. And then there's that thing where you go to bed and close your eyes and lie very still. What is it called? Sleep? Ugh. I never wanted to be one of those moms. I fear she is suffering from the proverbial "Middle Child Syndrome" and I am suffering from "Chronic Maternal Guilt". Not just guilt, but I truly want to be with her and do fun "girl" things. So I planned a night for us, no boys or toddlers allowed. No interruptions. No "can you wait just one minute?" Just she and I. Full, undivided attention. We called it "Mommy/Daughter Date". I secretly bought tickets to Disney o... More About: Girls , Night
Works For Me Wednesday
2007-09-26 15:21:00 Got bows?Since I have two girls (and a serious addiction to making bows) we have...a few.Okay, 114. But who's counting?While I realize most people probably don't have quite that many, this is still a good idea for storing them.I painted a picture frame, without the glass or the back, and attached strips of ribbon (which you can't see in the picture) with a heavy duty stapler. I clip the bows to ribbon and VOILE! A handy bow holder. Then hang it on your wall and it also serves as frilly, girly wall art.Of course it will probably only hold 25-30 bows. Ahem. Which is probably just right for normal, rational people. More About: Works , Wednesday
Celebrate!
2007-09-26 14:11:00 It's official.I'm old.Today Hubby and I have been married fifteen years. FIFTEEN YEARS???!!!!! It can't be.Fifteen years ago today I was a child. A month away from 19 years old. And I got married.Luckily, to the world's most patient man.Fifteen years and I have no gift. I've racked my brain for months, but how do I buy a gift for fifteen years? What do you give someone who has devoted fifteen years of their life to you?A sweater?Fifteen years ago I went shopping with my aunt, who was celebrating her own wedding anniversary. It was their twenty-third. We went to Hallmark and bought a card. That's it. And I remember her saying, "When you've been married as long as we have, it's just another day." That was a horrific thing to say to a newlywed.Perhaps that's what happens when you've been married twenty-three years. But for me, today, it is NOT just another day. In a society where marriages are made and broken like cheap toys on an assembly line in China, I recogn... More About: Celebrate
Bedtime. Bah Humbug.
2007-09-20 04:48:00 I'm going to buy my children new beds.Hospital beds. With restraints.Wonder if they make those in bunk beds?Bedtime is going to be the death of me. Or them.I have this idea that bedtime should be a time to unwind. A calm relaxing time, where everyone speaks in hushed tones and we read soothing stories and snuggle then everyone shuffles sleepily to their respective beds, where I kiss them, tell them I love them and drift peacefully off to sleep.Instead bedtime is this:"Brother, get dressed for bed. Sister, brush your teeth. Baby, bring Mommy a diaper. Sister, did you take your medicine? Brother, get dressed for bed. Brush your teeth. Get dressed. Diaper. Teeth. Dressed. NOW. BRUSH YOUR TEETH. DID YOU HEAR ME??!! I SAID GET DRESSED!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT??!! WHERE'S THE DIAPER???!!! NO STORY!!! NO KISSES!!! GO TO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD!!!!"Then once they are finally in bed, Baby gets up at least a gajillion trillion times telling me she has a dirty diaper (she does...
Braggin' A Bit
2007-09-15 16:22:00 Everybody thinks their children are beautiful. And I am no different. But seriously, look at these pictures! A friend of mine took these while the kids played at the park last week. He gave me a CD with about 80 gorgeous pictures. Wish you could see them all. Thanks, Chad. You are a very gifted artist. And of course, the subject matter isn't bad either. More About: Brag , Bragg
A Story In The Making
2007-09-15 11:27:00 Sunday in church the conversation centered around stories. Everybody has one. Everybody came from one. Everybody is still writing their own. Unfortunately, nobody gets to pick the story from which they came.And then we were all asked to think about our own story.Easier said than done.I've been trying to get away from those beginning chapters and pretend my story starts in the middle. If I reread the beginning and bring it all to light, then there is some responsibility on my part to deal with it.And I don't want to deal with it.I'd rather be silly, crack jokes and hide behind humor and sarcasm, because then it will look as though I'm really okay.But I wasn't in that room by accident on Sunday and I'm just going to say, I'm not okay.My dad was not an affectionate man. He was gruff and abrupt. That's not to say he wasn't a nice guy. He could be very funny and approachable with most people. Just not with his children. He was critical, and found it difficult to say the encourag... More About: Story , Tory , Makin
Monkey See, Monkey Do
2007-09-05 02:21:00 I was just giving my girls a bath and gave them the neato little plastic measuring medicine spoons full of their allergy medicine, as allergy season is wreaking havoc upon us all. The medicine is a funky purple/gray color, but must taste yummy because they get all excited when I get it out. So I give Sister hers first and she downs it, leaving a little smudge of purple/gray schmootz on the tip of her adorable turned up nose.Next Baby takes hers and follows suit. Just as she finishes, she glances over and sees Sister's nose. She then takes the spoon and rubs it on the tip of her nose.Then she hands it to me.All done. More About: Monkey
The Non-Monday Blues
2007-09-04 16:37:00 It's not Monday , but it sure feels like it.We play this really fun game in our family. It's called Automobile Russian Roulette. Because we are students living on one income, we are not in the position to make car payments. Instead, we buy and sell used vehicles every few months in the hopes that we will one day end up with a keeper.Oh so fun.Not.Just last week we traveled a couple of hundred miles to get a Honda Odyssey. A really sweet deal.Love it.However, Friday night on our way home from a birthday party, the wheel bearing broke. And we had to have it towed to our mechanic, who was, of course, closed for the holiday weekend. So we left it there for them to discover this morning and, hopefully, repair today.So we are down to one car. One very old, very large Lincoln Town car, belonging to my husband. It is like steering an ocean liner. Had it not belonged to his father, it would have been long gone, but we keep resuscitating the poor beast. Joy of joys, I get to drive it to scho... More About: Blues , Onda
Too Good To Be True
2007-09-03 02:59:00 I am not what you would call "well-versed in the fine art of potty training". I am potty-phobic. Potty illiterate. Deficient in potty training skills.All of the above.My first two potty training experiences were nightmares. I started Brother a couple of months after he turned two. He finally got it at about age 3. I waited until sister was well over three. She finally got it at 4 1/2. It was a full excruciating, frustrating year for each.And all those moms that told me how they potty trained their children in a week, a weekend or even a day?I wanted to hurt them.Seriously. Hurt. Them.If you are one of those moms, save the success story. I don't wanna hear it.So this last time around, with Baby, I've said I was waiting until she was five. Until her curiosity was so piqued she was begging me to let her use the potty. I mean, I homeschool. I could TOTALLY get away with it.However, she has been asking me to sit on the potty lately and being the sweet mommy I am, I have indulged her. I... More About: True , Good
Things I Read In The News This Week
More articles from this author:2007-08-24 14:54:00 Age Ain't Nothin' But A NumberIt Explains So Much...Oprah Saves The Day...AgainA Question Of Faith More About: News , In the News , The News , Read , Week 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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