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Commenting Commitment Complications
2010-09-15 11:19:00
Over the past four years of maintaining this blog, I have changed commenting applications roughly 826 times. Allow me to explain.First I used Blogger's built in commenting app. Problem: Blogger kind of sucks. Sorry, Google, but I'm pretty sure the whole Blogger team has been playing Joust for the past five years, because I write books faster than those guys add features. I know the A-team is on Chrome, but maybe you could check in on the Blogger guys once in a while?I was never thrilled with Wordpress either, so eventually I decided to write my own blogging platform. Don't tell the Blogger guys, but a blogging application is super-easy to write. It took me less than a week. I still couldn't find a commenting app I really liked, so I wrote one of those too. This turned out to be more difficult than I expected. Also, when I switched to my own app, I lost all the comments people had left using Blogger. I made a few mistakes on my first attempt at a commenting app, and had...
More About: Commitment

I'm over it. Really, I am. Almost completely.
2010-09-12 22:39:00
Another in the series of Childhood Injustices I Probably Should Have Gotten Over by Now. To my brother, Ben, regarding the damages done to a certain Dungeons & Dragons supplement Dear Ben, Hey little brother, how?s it going? You probably don?t remember this, but when I was 14 and you were 12, I bought a Dungeons & Dragons supplement that, if memory serves, was titled ?The City of Lankhmar.? The cover looked promising, but as I sat at the kitchen table enjoying a glass of orange juice and perusing the contents of the booklet, I began to think that maybe there were better ways for me to spend $8. At about the same moment that I determined to return the Lankhmar supplement to Meijer, where I had purchased it the previous day, you walked into the kitchen with a pack of chewing gum and asked me if I wanted some. I said, ?Sure, but DON?T throw it.? Well, of course you threw it, knocking over my glass and spilling orange juice all over Lankhmar. I removed the damaged pages...

Get THE FORCE for $1.99! Proceeds go to the Red Cross!
2010-09-07 10:08:00
I promise to do a real post again soon, but for now I have a huge announcement. Actually, the title of this post has pretty much taken care of that, so I guess I don't.Anyway, for a limited time you can get my new book, The Force is Middling in this One, for only $1.99 on Kindle. Not only that, but I will be giving all of my proceeds on the book (Kindle and paperback) for the month of September to the Red Cross for flood relief in Pakistan. Still not convinced? The Force is Middling in this One has already received SIXTEEN 5-star reviews, out of a total of seventeen reviews. Here's one of them:"Robert Kroese's writing has, rightfully so, been likened to the works of Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, and Christopher Moore (to name just a few top humor writers). But in his collection of essays, The Force is Middling in this One: And Other Ruminations from the Outskirts of the Empire, Kroese's prose ranges between the anecdotal genius of David Sedaris and the whimsical pana...
More About: Red Cross

Cheap. Kindle. Books.
2010-08-30 23:20:00
Those who have been following this blog for a while know that I'm alway working on some Crazy Project or other. In fact, usually I'm working on at least two or three. Like, for example, a humor magazine, or a blog directory, or a novel. The latest of these projects is something called Cheap KindleBooks .net. Having sold a few thousand copies of Mercury Falls for Amazon's Kindle platform, I recently decided that I should probably buy a Kindle myself. The first thing I did after unwrapping my Kindle was to Google "Cheap Kindle books." To my surprise, Google returned only a smattering of discussion group posts and blog posts listing a handful of titles. Next I tried browsing through the Kindle store, but was unable to find a way to get a list of inexpensive books for the Kindle. It wasn't hard to find well-known, low-priced (or free) public domain titles, but why wasn't there a site where someone could find inexpensive, newly released titles or less-well-known but competit...

Write the Novel You Want to Read, Part 2
2010-08-27 11:23:00
In Part One of this series, I argued that the one indispensable ingredient to the success of a novel is enthusiasm. Before you can expect people to buy your book, they have to be excited about it, and to get them excited about it, you have to be excited about it. The other huge advantage to writing a book that you?re excited about is that it?s much easier to market. Those of who have witnessed my marketing onslaught for Mercury Falls may be surprised to learn that I absolutely abhor sales. I?m probably the worst salesperson in the history of humankind. And yet, I have no problem wholeheartedly recommending my book at every opportunity because it?s a book I believe in. I don?t mean that I believe that it will sell millions of copies; I have no idea how many people will ultimately want to read it. It?s not a book calculated to generate sales; it?s simply the best book I could write, and as such it?s something that I want to share with people. I?d stack that enthusiasm against the col...
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Write the Novel You Want to Read
2010-08-23 22:51:00
Since my success with self-publishing my first novel, Mercury Falls, I am occasionally approached by other aspiring authors looking for guidance. It's somewhat telling, I suppose, that these writers never actually ask for writing advice; apparently they are either pretty sure of their own ability or aren't particularly impressed with mine. In any case, what they always ask for is marketing advice.I usually toss a few ideas out (make a website for your book, get on Facebook, get on Twitter, etc.) and then I say, "One of these days I'm going to do a series of posts on Mattress Police about promoting a self-published book." Now that I have another book out that I'm promoting, I figure this is probably a good time to start that series.*Before I start giving marketing advice, however, you're going to have to sit through some writing advice, for the simple reason that the best marketing in the world isn't going to help a book that nobody wants to read. The following essay originally...
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RE: I Need a Hero
2010-08-17 22:50:00
Hi, I?m responding to your Craigslist ad from 8/17, entitled ?I Need a Hero .? I?m interested in applying for this position, but I would like to clarify a few items before officially throwing my hat in the ring. First, is the position still open? Your ad specifies that you will be holding out for a hero ?till the end of the night.? I?m assuming you were referring to the night of August 17th; however, your ad was not posted until well past noon on that date. I don?t mean to be presumptuous, but is that a realistic timeframe for locating a hero? I am currently the night manager at a small delivery company, and sometimes it takes three days for the temp agency to find a college kid to label boxes. What duties is this hero going to be expected to perform? You specify that ?he?s gotta be strong? and that ?he?s gotta be fast.? Is there some kind of optimal balance here? How strong are we talking, exactly? I?m not going to lie to you; if you?re looking for someone to dead lift 400 pound...

To the Sunday school staff at Cascade Christian Reformed Church of 1975
2010-08-04 12:54:00
Another entry in my series of Childhood Injustices that I Probably Should Have Gotten over by Now.... Dear Sunday school staff at Cascade Christian Reformed Church of 1975: I want you to know that I don?t blame any of you for the ?Duck, Duck, Goose incident? that occurred in the late spring of 1975. In retrospect, it was my own fault for not realizing the perfectly obvious risk that I myself might at some point get the nod to be the ?goose.? The small but ever-present possibility of being tagged as the ?goose? is, after all, what lends the game an air of excitement. I guess it was just a classic case of thinking that it could never happen to me. Well, I learned my lesson about that, let me tell you!  Now I know that but for the grace of God, any of us could be the ?goose.?  These days, of course, I don?t play much Duck, Duck, Goose, but that?s more due to lack of opportunity than fear. I am convinced that I?d be up to the challenge of being the ?...
More About: School

I'm busy, busy, dreadfully busy (much, much too busy for you)
2010-07-27 13:20:00
Some of you may have heard that I have a new book out. As I learned from my experience with Mercury Falls, one of the most effective forms of marketing a book (assuming the book isn?t shite) is to offer free copies to reviewers. When I was getting ready to release Mercury Falls, I spent a couple of days combing through Amazon reviews looking for email addresses of reviewers who I thought might enjoy the book. Very few Amazon.com reviewers post their email addresses, so it took me many hours to build a list of about 200 email addresses. I crafted an email offering a free copy of the book to the recipient with no strings attached (although I mentioned that I would of course appreciate a review) and sent it out to the list. About half of the recipients didn?t respond, about a quarter declined, and about a quarter said they?d be happy to take a look at Mercury Falls. So I shelled out several hundred dollars to send copies to those fifty or so reviewers. Fortunately, my gamble paid off:...

To Joel P., my best friend from first through fourth grade, inclusive
2010-07-21 20:25:00
A while back I heard about an opening for a columnist at a certain humor site that shall remain nameless because I DON'T NEED THOSE STUPID JERKS ANYWAY. They were holding a contest where you had to suggest a prospective column topic and then write several samples fitting that format. My idea was to write letters to people who had somehow offended me decades earlier. I called it "Letters about Childhood Injustices that I Probably Should Have Gotten Over By Now." Catchy, right? I can't imagine why they didn't pick me. Anyway, here's one of them. To Joel P., my best friend from first through fourth grade, inclusive: Dear Joel, How have you been? It?s been a long time since we were best friends back in elementary school, huh? Speaking of which, remember when we decided to start a club with just you and me as members, and we were trying to decide which of us was going to be president? We came up with the idea of picking the president based on which of us could dra...
More About: Friend

Pre-Order THE FORCE Now!
2010-07-19 21:07:00
Yes, yes, I know I promised to do some more substantive posts, but first I have a little business to get out of the way.The official release date for my new book, The Force is Middling in this One, is set for Tuesday, July 27, 2010. As with Mercury Falls, I'm giving Mattress Police readers the chance to pre-order a signed copy. However, this time around you only have ONE WEEK to pre-order. So don't dither as if this were something unimportant like an oil well dumping millions of barrels of oil into the ocean. The last day to pre-order is Monday, July 26. If you wait until after that, it will be TOO LATE and DOLPHINS WILL DIE.* Have you ever wondered:What happens to a kid who isn't quite good enough with the force to be a Jedi? What is it like to live in the worst city in the United States? If we aren't allowed to test shampoo on monkeys, how will we ever know if our monkeys are clean? The answers to these and other questions can be found in The For...

I'm Back
2010-07-11 22:01:00
So this morning I got an email from my old pal Johnny Virgil at 15 Minute Lunch. It seems that some douchebag with a MySpace blog* has been stealing Johnny's posts. JV wanted to give me a heads-up that DMB** had appropriated some of my content as well. For example, take this post, lifted entirely from MattressPolice.com. You may not recognize it because he took the time to change "Ripon, California" to "Hammond Louisiana" (note the inability to type two words without making a punctuation error) and "Nissan 300ZX" to "F-150." You'll notice, however, that the images are broken. That's because he was too lazy (or stupid) to save a local copy of the images from this site, and simply hotlinked to them. The images are now broken on his site because the images are broken on my site. Because, uh, I was too lazy (or stupid) to back up the images when I switched servers.The point, however, is neither laziness nor stupidity, but rather the unscrupulous scraping of my screen scribbles by thi...
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Get Mercury Falls for $0.99!
2009-12-23 10:39:00
Looking for some cheap reading for Christmas vacation? Through the end of December, you can get the digital version of my novel, Mercury Falls, for only $0.99! Get Mercury Falls for Kindle at Amazon Get Mercury Falls in a variety of other tasty formats at Smashwords And of course you can always buy the old fashioned paperback version. Note that I am going to have to raise the price of the paperback version to $14.00 very soon to cover distribution costs, so if you want to get it for the old price of $12.00, act now, as they say.Mercury Falls has received an amazing 60 5-star reviews on Amazon so far (out of a total of 72 reviews)! A Top 500 Reviewer recently called it "wickedly funny." And check this out: it's currently the number three ranked book in Kindle/Humor, right under Glenn Beck and Shakespeare.Thank you for your support!

I need beta readers for my next book...
2009-12-18 18:38:00
Hi all! I'm working on a collection of humorous essays similar to (but longer and better than) my Antisocial Commentary book, and I need your help. Currently I'm looking for feedback on what posts from this blog to include in the book and what posts to leave out. If you want to help, please email me at diesel(at)mattresspolice.com before Christmas and I will send you the current manuscript to look over.Qualifications: Some familiarity with this blog. You see that heading over to the left that says "MOST POPULAR POSTS"? If you haven't read at least half of those, you're probably not going to be of much help. You don't need to have read Antisocial Commentary, but it wouldn't hurt.Sense of humor.Ability to dig a straight trench, within a variation of +/- 3 feet.Compensation:When the book is published, I'll send you a signed copy for free. I may or may not include a bookmark.Thanks in advance for your help!
More About: Readers , Beta , Book

Mercury Swings
2009-12-15 13:27:00
What really happened to the Biblical character Enoch? Were there jazz clubs in 1900 B.C.? Why are there so many asses in the Bible? These questions and more are answered in ?Mercury Swings,? one of the earliest adventures of the wise-cracking angel Mercury on the Mundane Plane. Mercury strolled along the banks of the Euphrates, trying to pinpoint the source of a saxophone wailing the unmistakable strains of Dixieland jazz. As the sax gave way to the strumming of a bass, he spied a man wrapped in desert garb near the entrance of a cave. ?What?s happening, friend?? queried the man, a phlegmatic Amelekite who was sucking on what appeared to be a rolled up piece of papyrus stuffed with some sort of dried vegetation. Foul smelling smoke wafted from an ember at the end of the papyrus roll. ?Just out for a stroll,? said Mercury, trying to appear nonthreatening in an effort to counterbalance the fact that he towered a foot and a half over the prehistoric hepcat. ?Is that to...

Movie Review: 2012
2009-11-30 21:17:00
I have to admit that I walked into the theater with pretty low expectations for the new end-of-the-world flick 2012. Roland Emmerich, the instigator of such dreck as 10,000 BC and The Day After Tomorrow, has not proven to my satisfaction that he?s capable of doing anything as a director other than signing some ginormous checks for visual effects. So I was pleasantly surprised when, once behind the velvet rope, I realized that I could just walk into The Fantastic Mr. Fox playing next door and no one would be the wiser. As a result, I enjoyed my moviegoing experience, but I do feel that I should warn you that this review may be slightly tainted by the fact that I have not actually seen the movie I?m reviewing. However, I have watched the trailers for 2012 very carefully, and if Emmerich?s other films are any indication, very little of interest happens in the movie that is not covered by the trailers. In some ways, I am probably more qualified to review this movie than someone for whom...
More About: Movie , Movie Review , Review

Get a Signed Copy of Mercury Falls - and Give $5 to Charity!
2009-11-27 14:01:00
You shouldn't have to buy toys made in China to get Mercury for Christmas. For a limited time I'm offering signed copies of Mercury Falls, for $12. And in the spirit of the season, for every book sold I will donate $5 to the Christian Reformed World Relief Committee (CRWRC). The CRWRC provides help to those suffering from poverty, hunger, disaster, and injustice. Order by December 4 and I will get your book(s) to you in time for Christmas. For details and purchase info, please visit http://mercuryfalls.net. Thanks for your support, and have a great holiday season!
More About: Charity , Signed , Give

Part One of the Mercury Falls Audio Book is Up!
2009-11-25 21:03:00
I've just posted the first installment of the Mercury Falls audiobook at the Mercury Falls website! If all goes as planned, I will be posting a new installment every week for... well, quite a while. Eventually it will be available through Podiobooks and iTunes as well. The audio version will be completely free.The MF'ing Blog Tour wrapped up this week with stops at Angry Seafood and the HubPages blog. Thanks to Chris and Ryan for hosting me! I particularly recommend the HubPages interview for anyone who is considering self-publishing a book.For those of you who are convinced that all I'm capable of these days is self-promotion - well, you have a point. But you'll be happy to know that I'm working on a short story called "Mercury Swings," which I will be posting as a free download in a week or two, and yes, I have started to put some ideas together for a sequel to Mercury Falls. Not only that, but you might even see some blog posts that are completely unrelated to Mercury F...
More About: Audio , Book , Part

Announcing the Great Mercury Falls Twitter Giveaway!
2009-11-20 14:36:00
Today at 2pm PST I'll be announcing details of a contest wherein I will be giving away 5 signed copies of Mercury Falls. The only catch is that you have to be following me on Twitter to play.Follow me now!This giveaway is courtesy of my generous new mattress-themed sponsor. Click one of the links below to show your support!TempurpedicAdjustable Bed
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Mercury Falls is #16 in humor books for Kindle!
2009-11-18 21:37:00
A day after lowering the price for the Kindle version to $1.99, Mercury Falls is now at #16 in the Humor category for Kindle ebooks! Check it out: Look, I know I should be all cool-author-guy and stuff, but HOW SWEET IS THAT? I know you're probably thinking, "Sure, #16 is pretty good, but don't you think you should be up there above The World's Greatest Books Volume 01 Fiction by some poser named 'Various'?" I mean, it's only got 2 stars, for Pete's sake! How great can it be? Sure, it's free, which is a little tough to compete with, but I expect a little more from you, Mr. KROO-zee, if that is your real name." And you know what? You're totally right! I SHOULD be up there above The World's Greatest Books Volume 01 Fiction by that bastard Jean-Claude Maximillion Various. So here's the deal: If you have a Kindle, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go buy the Kindle version of Mercury Falls RIGHT NOW. Too desperate? Yeah, probably. Okay, you don't need to do it right now. Have a drin...

Angels and Monkeys: My Conversation with Mark Rayner
2009-11-17 14:30:00
As the MF'ing Blog Tour nears its end, I decided to do something a bit different today. What follows is a conversation I recently had with the author of the new novel Marvellous Hairy, Mark Rayner. As Mercury Falls and Marvellous Hairy are both absurdist satirical novels (his publisher calls it "fabulist satire," and who am I to argue?), I thought it would be interesting for us to sit down and discuss our respective writing processes and fetishes (primates for him, angels and linoleum for me). The second half of this conversation will appear on Mark's blog, The Skwib. UPDATE: READ THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO OUR DISCUSSION HERE! **********************************  Mark Rayner: Why angels? ARE they the new vampires? Rob Kroese: No. Zombies are the new vampires. Angels are the new zombies. I'm kind of glad you asked that, actually, because it gives me a chance to ask you: what the hell is up with you and monkeys? MR: It's not just the monkeys. It's all primates....

MF'ing Blog Tour Update
2009-11-16 16:39:00
I'm over at Avitable's place today. Caution: The tagline of Avitable's blog is "tact is for pussies," which may give you an idea of the sort of content you'll find over there.Meet me back here tomorrow for the first part of a conversation with Mark Rayner, author of Marvellous Hairy.A few other Mercury Falls-related items:I just lowered the price of the Mercury Falls ebook on Smashwords to $1.99. Why? Because even though I am now a "local famous author," I still feel for the little man.* You can get it in PDF, Kindle, Stanza, Sony Reader, and several other formats. I'm working on lowering the price on the Kindle version on Amazon as well, but it's taking longer because Amazon is retarded. And if you're not sure you can spare $1.99 for a critically acclaimed book by an up-and-coming independent writer who is just doing his best to bring a little joy to your life, you can sample half of the book for FREE.Speaking of Amazon, Mercury Falls has now received THIRTY-SIX 5-star revie...
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My Appearance on "Good Day Sacramento"
2009-11-15 14:45:00
If the video doesn't load, go here.
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MF'ing Blog Tour Update
2009-11-13 20:35:00
Slight change of plans: today I'm over at Bee's. Sorry for the late notice; I spent most of the day in traffic court.I'll be over at The Skwib next week. Not sure of the exact date yet. I'll also be making stops at Avitable's place and Hubpages. I'll post another update when dates firm up.And if you're in NorCal, don't forget to catch me in the 7 o'clock hour of Good Day Sacramento on Sunday, November 15!
More About: Blog , Tour , Update

The MF'ing Blog Tour rolls on!
2009-11-11 09:27:00
Today I'm over at The Web Pen Blog . (Adult content warning: This post contains some speculation regarding the size of Alan Rickman's genitalia.)  On Friday, I'll be having a demented authors' discussion with Mark Rayner at The Skwib. Still finalizing the schedule for next week. If you want to be included on the tour, let me know ASAP!Oh, and if you're Northern California, I'm going to be on "Good Day Sacramento" this Sunday, Nov. 15, sometime in the 7 o'clock hour. I'm also trying to arrange a signing/appearance in the area. Stay tuned!For all the latest news on Mercury Falls and where I'm going to be, follow me on Twitter. I also post regular updates on the Mercury Falls Facebook page.
More About: Tour

The MF'ing Blog Tour!
2009-11-09 11:59:00
The Mercury Falls Blog Tour (also known as the MF'ing Blog Tour) is in full swing! Today I'm over at Jeff's place, The View From the Cloud.And in case you missed it, check out my interview with Matt from The Church of No People from last Friday.Tomorrow (Tuesday), I'll be over at Reading for Sanity. I'll announce more appearances as the dates firm up.Still not sated? Here are some blogger reviews of Mercury Falls that have popped up over the past couple of weeks:Just a (Reading) FoolGregg Eldred's BlogSage Covered HillsBlogographyThe ThinkerThe White Rhino ReportDisclaimer: Some of these bloggers bought Mercury Falls and some of them received free copies. None of them received any other type of compensation.If you've reviewed Mercury Falls and your blog isn't listed here, let me know and I'll add it. Also let me know ASAP if you'd like to be included on the MF'ing Blog Tour. Leave a comment or send an email to the address on the sidebar. Thanks!

V for Velocity (or, How not to remake a classic scifi miniseries)
2009-11-04 12:38:00
When I heard that ABC was remaking the classic 80s alien invasion miniseries V, I have to admit I got a little tingly. Having seen what the SciFi (now SyFy) Channel did with an interstellar cheese-fest like Battlestar Galactica, I couldn't help but entertain high hopes for an updated production of V featuring modern day visual effects like computer generated spaceships, grisly CSI-like reveals of reptilian skin beneath human flesh, and Morena Baccarin.Unfortunately, someone at ABC completely misunderstood the project, and rather than remaking the V miniseries, they ended up remaking the forgettable V television series that limped along after the miniseries for a few months before being put down like a sick dog.The pilot crashes through key plot points like an addict overturning dishes in a desperate search for a fix. First, three questions flash on the screen in rapid sequence:"Where were you when JFK was killed?"and:"Where were you on 9/11?"and finally:"Where were you this morning...
More About: Classic , Remake

Police Blotter of the Gods
2009-11-02 13:18:00
OLYMPUS 10/25 ? Domestic Disturbance: Police were summoned to the residence of Zeus and his wife Metis when neighbors complained of ?a sound like somebody being eaten.? Officers found Zeus in his front yard, naked and apparently intoxicated. When questioned about the whereabouts of his pregnant wife Metis, Zeus claimed that she had ?gone to the Circle K for some smokes.? Officers escorted Zeus inside the dwelling, where he fell asleep in an easy chair. His daughter, Athena, then emerged fully grown and outfitted for war, from his forehead. She declined to press charges. ********** OLYMPUS 10/26 ? Contract Dispute: Police received a call from one Atlas, who claimed he had been cheated by local celebrity Hercules. According to Atlas, Hercules had promised to hold up the sky for him while Atlas retrieved several golden apples from the garden of Hera and deliver them to King Eurystheus. Atlas claimed that Hercules had asked Atlas to ?take the sky back for just a sec? while Hercules ...

Get the Mercury Falls ebook free!
2009-10-31 10:10:00
You guys remember Joel from Crummy Church Signs, right? Well, he has just come out with a new album (under the name "The Sinai Alliance") called "Though The Darkness Hide Thee...." "TTDHT" is is a collection of old hymns with new, modern rock arrangements and production. Same lyrics, same melody, different sound and feel. You can get the whole thing from Amazon for $7.99. And get this: Joel and I have worked out a deal where if you buy "TTDHT" by this Friday, November 6, you can get a coupon to download my novel, Mercury Falls, absolutely FREE! Details on the Sinai Alliance website.It's a little early for reviews of "TTDHT", but Mercury Falls is getting a phenomenal reception. The latest Amazon reviewer notes:  While "self published" usually means "in need of an editor," that is not the case with this novel. Tight writing, excellent plot development, well rounded characters, and snappy dialogue make this one of the most entertaining novels of the year. So far Mercury Fall...
More About: Free , Ebook

Mercury Falls is now available on Kindle!
2009-10-19 20:45:00
Yes, the day you've been waiting for is here. My novel, Mercury Falls, is finally available for the Kindle. It's only $5. Order it here.  The reaction to the paperback version has been overwhelming. So far it's gotten five 5-star reviews! One reviewer (an Amazon Top 500 Reviewer) wrote:  Not since Kevin Smith's Dogma has such a heavy theological concept been portrayed so hysterically. Actually, Mercury Falls reads a bit like Dogma if it were scripted by Christopher Moore or maybe Chuck Klosterman. Kroese balances his apocalyptic subject matter with razor sharp dialogue and abundant pop culture references that had me glued to the book with a big grin on my face the whole time...when I wasn't laughing out loud, of course. How many books can accomplish that? Whether holding forth on intraplanar mass transit and the heavenly bureaucracy or the best way to get red wine out of a cashmere sweater, Kroese's words flow in an absolutely compelling manner. Each sentence seems l...