Mattress Police - The Secret Files

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...and we're back
2008-04-22 06:39:00
Well, looks like things are working again. Never did get around to posting anything today. Things have been crazy. Since we had some technical difficulties, I'll give you until noon Pacific time tomorrow (Tuesday) to get your captions in. I'll post the poll some time after that.Diesel out.
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Grrr...
2008-04-20 18:57:00
Sorry, folks. I thought I had fixed the problem, but the malicious frame code is still coming up. I had to take down the Humor-Blogs.com site and disable comments on this site. The problem isn't actually with my sites; it's with the servers my sites are hosted on. Evidently my hosting company forgot to install a few patches. They aren't telling me much, except that "this is a major issue that is a top priority" for them. Super.You can read more about the iFrame attack here.Rest assure that all the Humor-Blogs.com data is still there; nothing has been deleted. I've only taken the site down as a safeguard against infecting anybody with a virus. Hopefully it will be back up soon.If you have a caption for the caption contest, feel free to email it to me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com.

Caption Contest: Battlefield Earth
2008-04-18 23:13:00
Ok, I think I've gotten a handle on my recent technical difficulties. Apparently the Humor-Blogs.com site and this one were both hacked. The hacker put a bit of code in a hidden frame on the site that would make a call to another website, prompting you to download some sort of executable file, which was probably a virus.I have removed the malicious code on both sites and alerted my hosting company who, 5+ hours after my initial email this morning, still have not responded. Good show, guys!I will be posting a more detailed message on Humor-Blogs.com later today.So, with that out of the way, we can get on to the caption contest for this week. Since I've already done Iron Man and Batman Begins, I was a little short on material this week. Once again, I had to go back to one of the classics. This time I picked Battlefield Earth , the 2000 sci-fi epic starring John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker. That's me with them in the pic.You know how this works. Submit your captions in the ...
More About: Movies , Contest , Caption

Technical Difficulties
2008-04-18 18:04:00
I'm having some issues this morning.First, if you're using Internet Explorer, you may get a prompt on this site or on Humor-Blogs.com asking you if you want to install some Remote Data Services Data Control plug-in. Do NOT say yes. I don't know what that is or why it's trying to install itself. I'm looking into it and will give you more information when I can.Second, if you're using Firefox, you may notice that the background turns black partway down the page, making it difficult to read the black text. Not sure why this is happening either, or if it's related to the other issue. It looks fine when I preview the template in Blogger, but when I publish it, it goes all funky.I hope to be back in a few hours with an update. I've got a caption contest pic ready to go as soon as I get all this crap worked out.If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend:Stapling your tongue to a sheet of plywood
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38? But You Seem So Immature!
2008-04-16 20:03:00
In two weeks I?ll be thirty-eight years old.I like this age. You know what?s great about being almost thirty-eight? People stop expecting you to grow up. And you can stop pretending that you?re going to some day.When you?re thirty-eight and you interrupt a meeting at work with a five minute puppet show starring a Cat5 cable and a laptop power cable, people don?t shake their heads and mutter something to each other about how immature you are. They still think you?re immature, but they accept it. They look at your receding hairline and salt-and-pepper beard and realize that this isn?t the first impromptu puppet show you?ve put on starring office equipment ? and it most likely won?t be the last. They assume you know how inappropriate you?re being, and that bringing it to your attention isn?t going to change anything. In fact, now that I think about it, being in your late thirties is a lot like being retarded.In a sense, I?ve been waiting to be thirty-eight all my life. I?ve alw...
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Why Do You Do It?
2008-04-14 20:27:00
It is understandable that many of you regard me with apprehension bordering on fear.My threatening countenance over there to the right, my merciless rants against the likes of Thomas Kinkade and my position as unquestioned despot of Humor-Blogs.com -- all of these factors contribute to the perception that I am a man not to be trifled with. Or with which not to trifle, if you prefer.Be assured, however, that I am not in fact a very intimidating person. I'm tall, yes, but I also have very slender wrists. That photo of me to the right may resemble Will Smith in Bad Boys 2, but that's mostly because, well, from the neck down it's Will Smith in Bad Boys 2. Truth be told, I'm not even really black.My rants are mostly for effect. I generally can't sustain that level of anger for more than about a minute and a half. I just don't have that kind of attention span. So while I've settled on Thomas Kinkade as a nemesis, he has little to fear from me. Remember when I was running fo...
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Congrats, Kadi!
2008-04-11 20:42:00
There was a firestorm of controversy regarding this week's caption contest. Why does controversy always come in firestorms? Has there ever been a thunderstorm of controversy? A sandstorm of controversy?The controversy revolved, tornado-like, around the question of how much shameless self-promotion is appropriate when competing in this little contest. So let me clear this up, once and for all: If you win, you've done about the right amount.Kadi did about the right amount this week. Actually, she was fairly restrained this time around, which evidently got her the self-deprecation vote. Nicely played, Kadi! You win a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary. Send me your address and I'll get it in the mail to you.You also get the coveted In Your Face Award. Again.Bee took second place, with:Trimming my fingernails with your teeth shows your loyalty to the family.And the bitterest of good sports, stushie, took third:Your first task, Luigi, will be to shoot the James Caan dwar...

Blogger of Light(R)
2008-04-10 03:52:00
I?ve decided that I need a nemesis.A commenter recently suggested that His Excellency Lord Monkeyhands could be my nemesis, but I don?t know. It feels like settling to me. Monkeyhands isn?t up to being my Joker or Lex Luthor. Maybe if he, Human Inertia, Stoner, and three of my other worst bosses got together, they could be my Sinister Six, but that?s about as much credit as I?m willing to give them.A great nemesis can?t be an idiot; he has to be brilliant but twisted ? someone who has the power to accomplish great things, but uses that power only for his own demented ends. Someone like Darth Vader or Hans Gruber from Die Hard. Or Thomas Kinkade.Yes, you heard me right. I have selected as my nemesis Thomas Kinkade, the Painter of Light ®.If you?re not familiar with this ?artist,? he?s best known as the man who has produced essentially the same painting 8,436 times over the past 20 years. Kinkade-land is a place filled with cottages almost militantly cozy, a place where it has alw...
More About: Christianity , Rants , Blogger , Pop Culture

Vote!
2008-04-09 03:15:00
Sorry for the delay in getting this posted. Minor annoyances like work continue to get in the way of my all-important blogging duties. Remember, the winner gets a copy of Antisocial Commentary, so vote wisely!Bee said...Trimming my fingernails with your teeth shows your loyalty to the family.Jami said..."You're soaking in it."Avitable said...Unfortunately, Diesel misunderstood and made the man an auger he couldn't refuse.Wendy said...With the fifth goon that week stuck to his ring, Don Diesel reconsiders his choice of bling.Sparrow said...Don Diesel took great pleasure in this final humiliation of his arch-enemy, Lord Monkeyhands.Mark said..."No," said the Don. "That's not the ring I wanted you to kiss."renalfailure said...Your lips say "yes" but your scalp says "let's just be friends."Kadi said...No disrespect, Don, but if I am to be your right hand man... perhaps you should start wiping with your left.stushie said...Your first task, Luigi, will be to shoot the James Caan dwa...
More About: Movies , Vote

Your Brain (for Dummies)
2008-04-07 15:31:00
Congratulations on your selection of the Cerebronix Diesel 1000 Carbon-Based Brain ! The Diesel 1000 is a state of the art cerebral engine that takes advantage of the latest in organic brain technology. We think you?ll be glad you chose the Diesel 1000. Note that the Diesel 1000 is a high performance machine designed for a wide range of abstract thinking purposes. We do not recommend the Diesel 1000 for casual brain users. If you plan to use your brain primarily for mundane tasks such as doing geometry homework and remembering dentist appointments, we recommend exchanging your Diesel 1000 for something from our PracticalBrain line. You may also be interested in our Cerebroutine module, which allows your brain to easily focus on repetitive activities for hours at a time. The Diesel 1000 is not designed for such tasks, and using it in this way may void your warranty. Features The Diesel 1000 is designed for abstract thinking. Your brain can be used for all sorts of ...
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Caption Contest: The Godfather
2008-04-04 17:21:00
Finding little inspiration in the current crop of movies and TV shows, I have once again gone back to the classics for the caption contest.You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites, and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Since I still have a few copies of my book lying around, I will give a free copy of Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police to the winner.Have fun!Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Movies , Contest , The Godfather , Caption

Tag at Your Peril!
2008-04-02 16:43:00
Hail, carrion-in-waiting!I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and Meme-Wraith. I serve the dark lord Diesel in the capacity of dispatching troublesome memes from these premises.It has come to my attention that there has been some scurrilous talk since my last appearance on this blog. Rumor would have it that I have been 'sulking' in Diesel's barn, scrap-booking and listening to Foghat, afraid to show my face because of the lukewarm reception to my last post. Allow me to put these baseless lies to rest.Imagine, Grûndir the Implacable craving the affirmation of faceless blog readers! The notion is laughable. Mark this, blood-bags: Long after you have withered, fig-like in your graves, I will roam the land in my ceaseless quest to wipe memes and hobbits from the face of the earth.Yes, thousands of years from now the sages of a future age will pore over records of this era, tracing the origins of the great meme-slaughter, saying to one another, "Truly, Grûndir the Implacable was one b...

Morty, the Undead Lobster
2008-03-31 21:27:00
I'm still pretty busy with work, so all I can offer you today is this little anecdote from my youth. On the plus side, I think I've convinced Grundir to come out of hiding and fill in for me on Wednesday. I think he's up to something. Anyway, here's the story of Morty the undead lobster. Enjoy.For simple cheap entertainment, few activities can top messing with drunk people.I?ve never been a big drinker, and in college my smartass friends and I used to amuse ourselves by going to parties and talking over the heads of our inebriated fellows. I guess it made us feel superior, making fun of people to their faces without them realizing what we were doing. Kind of a stupid way to entertain yourself when it comes down to it, but at least you don?t end the evening puking in some stranger?s wastebasket.My all time favorite experience of garnering amusement at the expense of drunken partiers happened a few years back, when I went on a snorkeling trip with a college friend in Florida...
More About: Lobster , Anecdotes

Congrats to Renal Failure!
2008-03-28 17:05:00
Renal Failure wins this week, taking home the coveted In Your Face award:Seriously, stop coveting it, people. It's in the Bible.R.F. also gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. R.F., send me an email with your address so's I can ship it to you.Newcomer Avitable came in second, with:Diesel slowly works up the nerve to ask for the number of the Boleyn Brother.And Jay took third, with:Diesel: "Wait... Let me try one more time. Spock makes this look so easy."Good job, people. Take the rest of the week off, starting at 5pm today.I'll be back on Monday with a brand new post that probably won't be good enough to make up for what a crappy job I've done this week.Humor-blogs.com is up to its chin in neck.
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Pandora's Box
2008-03-26 21:38:00
As a compromise between listening to the same songs in my iTunes library over and over and hearing the Daughtry song of the moment sixteen times a day on the local radio station, lately I've been spending a lot of time on Pandora.Pandora is a sort of customizable radio station that plays songs based on your personal preferences. For example, I told it that I like My Chemical Romance and Pearl Jam, so it assumes that I also enjoy Green Day -- a completely understandable, and entirely erroneous assumption.You tell Pandora what you like with a simple thumbs up/thumbs down control, which isn't the most precise system. You can give a thumbs up to Def Leppard's "Armageddon It" and give a thumbs down to Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll," but there's no way to say, "Yeah, this Counting Crows song is ok, but I don't really need to hear any more in the next 3 hours."The other problem is that Pandora only allows you to skip so many songs. That means you have to use your skips wisel...
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Vote!
2008-03-26 00:15:00
If I keep posting later and later in the day, eventually I'll be posting really early the next day, so you have that to look forward to.The picture kind of sucked this week too. Usually I do the picture the day before, so that I can look at it fresh before posting it. That gives me a chance to catch things that don't look quite right, like my complete lack of a neck. I was too rushed to do it right this time, but hey, that gave you one more thing to make fun of me for.Mrs. Diesel picked the finalists this week, so at least you can't blame me for that.And remember, this week the winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, just for funsies. So that should make up for me being such a lame-ass, right? Right.Vote for your favorite below. I'll post the winner on Friday.Fold My Laundry Please said...Diesel laments the fact that Natalie could not afford to have shoulders sewn onher dress.renalfailure said...Diesel caresses that which he has always desired: an actual neck...
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This Should Only Take a Minute
2008-03-25 06:11:00
So I'm nearing a major deadline at work, and I can tell my boss is concerned that I'm going to be stressed out and working long hours this week. We were talking about another upcoming project, and I mentioned that I thought I would be able to handle it on top of what I already had scheduled. She kind of laughed, and I said, "Yeah, I have no sense of my own limitations.""Not when it comes to time estimates," she said.It's true, I don't. Everything takes more time than I expect it to. It's a weird sort of cognitive deficiency I have.It doesn't seem to help that I'm aware of the problem either. Even when I try to account for my unrealistic expectations by inflating my time estimate, the actual time still ends up being double what I estimated.One of the ramifications of this failing is that I tend to take on way too many projects at a time. Right now, for example, in addition to maintaining this blog, Humor-Blogs.com and my job, I'm building a house, writing a novel and wo...
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Caption Contest: The Other Boleyn Girl
2008-03-21 23:00:00
I finally settled on The Other Boleyn Girl for this week's caption contest. Sorry for taking so long; my car continues to make my life interesting.I haven't seen the movie, but I thought this made a pretty good picture.A little twist this week, to keep things interesting: I'm going to give the winner a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. If the person who wins already has a copy, I'll come up with something else. Maybe a plastic bag of dryer lint.Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Have fun, and good luck!Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Movies , Contest , The Other Boleyn Girl

Worst Boss Ever
2008-03-21 00:12:00
Sorry for the delay in posting today; it's been another crazy day. I promised you the story of the worst boss I've ever had, so here it is. I'll warn you that it's a little long, and not so much funny as sad. There's no happy ending, except for the fact that I don't work for the ass-hat any more. Unfortunately, people don't always get what they deserve. Sometimes you just have to be content with the knowledge that stupidity is its own punishment.In September of 2002, I took a job as the webmaster for the government of a nearby city. My boss, the head of the city?s IT department, was a pony-tailed, marginally competent sad-sack, the kind of guy who spent his life trying to live up to his memories of Woodstock, even though he was only in 3rd grade at the time. Stoner, as I?ll call him, was the worst boss I?ve ever had. The day I started, I set out (with Stoner?s blessing) to radically revamp the city?s website. I met with various city managers and other key emplo...
More About: Work , Boss , Jerks

Alternating Between Love and Hate
2008-03-19 18:58:00
Sorry about yesterday's little rant. I don?t think Grûndir realized that many of you are newer readers, and therefore are not familiar with his terrifying visage. For those who don?t know, Grûndir the Implacable is one of the nine Nazgûl, or ring-wraiths, who once served the dark lord Sauron. Grûndir fell on hard times after Sauron?s fall, taking on various odd jobs until eventually being hired by the Mattress Police to dispatch troublesome memes that I don?t feel like dealing with. He?s also good at rooting out the gophers and hobbits that continuously tear up my lawn.(See, so now that I?ve explained it, it?s really quite funny, isn?t it? I mean, scrap-booking? Come on!)And if dealing with the inconsolable Grûndir wasn?t enough, I woke up this morning feeling as if I were in a thick fog. I think it?s because of the translucent plastic sheets that the painters put over the windows yesterday. Still, it?s kind of creepy. I feel like I?m on the wrong side of a Camus novel.On ...
More About: Love , Driving , Work , Hate

First Cursed to Roam the Earth as a Wraith, and Now This?
2008-03-18 23:53:00
Eleven comments? Really?You know, Grundir's mental state was fragile enough when all he had to worry about was coping with an eternal living death and learning the ins and outs of scrap-booking. He makes the effort to do a solid post, taking on two very fierce-looking memes, baring his soul in the process, and you reward him with a meager eleven comments?How do you think it makes Grundir feel, knowing that my post about giving people the finger got nearly three times as many comments as he did? Dispatching memes has always been a nice outlet for him, but now I'll be lucky if I can get him to come back next week to finish off the rest of them. He's been sulking in the barn since last night. He thinks you're all laughing at him about the Angela's Ashes thing. I'm telling you, he puts on a bold front, but deep down he's a sensitive soul.I even promised to scalp a hobbit for him (relax, we bludgeon them first), but so far he hasn't shown any interest. It's just not like...
More About: Earth , Roam , Wraith

Gather Your Memes and Hobbits About You!
2008-03-17 19:46:00
It seems as if every time I darken this blog with my ominous visage, I must first apologize for my long absence. So once again, flesh-bags, I must express my regret that I could not enlighten and terrify you sooner.Frankly, I grow a bit weary of being employed to kill gophers and the occasional errant hobbit at the Diesel estate, only occasionally being called upon to dispatch a troublesome meme or two. I have over 900 years of slaying experience! Could I not find a more meaningful gig?True, I have done the occasional guest column over at the Clay Pigeon humor magazine, but even that does not come close to filling the insatiable gnawing pit of blackness that is my soul. I am considering taking up scrap-booking. I've already got one of those neat scissors that cuts the jagged lines, as you could probably guess from my cloak. What other supplies do I need? Glue? What else?Ah, but I have forgotten why my master summoned me. It seems that the memes have been springing up aroun...
More About: Memes , Gather

Iron Man Caption Contest Winners
2008-03-14 20:17:00
In a truly historic turn of events, Brad won the contest two times in a row, for a total of three wins! I even had to make a special banner for him:In second place was newcomer Jenny, Bloggess, with:The vasectomy was difficult but a success. There would be no more toaster-related paternity suits in Iron Man 's future.And Barry took third with:"Hey c'mon Diesel! You said it was just going to be a bit of spanking and back to the script! Hey! Can you hear me? Look I'm using the safety word! Spaghetti!! Spaghetti!!"I also have to give a special nod to three contestants for Most Obscure Mattress Police Reference. If you get all three of these references, you definitely need to get out more:carolinebender:"Frankly, building lawn mowers sounds like a pain in the ass, so how about if I spend an extra three weeks and build a machine that builds lawn mowers?"stushie:Sadly, Diesel forgot the fatal difference between building a cyborg, instead of an android.Deb on the Rocks:Tentacle porn so...
More About: Movies , Contest , Winners

Hey, Thanks!
2008-03-14 05:36:00
Just a quick post to say 2 things:1. To the guy who was honking at me as I was pushing my car up the overpass in Milpitas today: What were you trying to communicate exactly? That I was in the "no pushing lane"? That I wasn't pushing as hard as you thought I should? See, what you probably didn't realize is that I didn't plan on pushing my car up the hill. It was actually running on its own power for most of the way, and then it stopped rather unexpectedly. I was really only pushing it because it didn't seem to want to go any further by itself. You could probably see that I wasn't even wearing my pushing shoes. It was all a rather ad hoc, impromptu affair. So I appreciate you informing me, with repeated taps on your horn, that I wasn't following the proper protocol, but trust me, I was well aware of the awkwardness of the situation. Sometimes things happen that we don't plan. For instance, you probably didn't plan on growing up to be a raging asshole, but there it i...

You're Number One!
2008-03-12 18:12:00
I was thinking about hand signs today.There are only about seven hand signs that are universally recognized in Western culture, and I find it interesting that one of these is the sign for "F--- you." At least, I think that's what it means. I don't have a translation chart or anything, but in my experience they seem to evoke the same response. Evidently our need to express the sentiment "F--- you" is right up there with "hello" and "OK."How did that happen exactly? Was there a meeting where cavemen got together and hashed out the half dozen must-have hand signs? Grog: Ok guys, there's been a lot of confusion about the hand signals we've been using. Just last week Thag misinterpreted a 'stop' signal and got eaten by a sabretooth. We really need to standardize. So what signs do we need? I mean, besides 'stop.' Ook: Well, we've got to have a 'hello' sign. You know, like a greeting.Lurg: Yeah, we could use this. (waves) Grog: Brilliant! Ok, what else do we need? Ook:...
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Vote!
2008-03-11 16:38:00
Man, it's getting tough to pick the finalists for these. I did my best. Vote for your favorite below. And don't forget to check out the Clay Pigeon humor magazine when you're done.Brad said...Factoring in parts and labor, this was going to be the most expensive date Diesel had ever had.Barry said..."Hey c'mon Diesel! You said it was just going to be a bit of spanking and back to the script! Hey! Can you hear me? Look I'm using the safety word! Spaghetti!! Spaghetti!!"ArmadilloTrader said..."Diesel, I don't want to be lonely. Don't forget to make 'Iron Dog' when you're done."Joel Bezaire said...Dude, why are your hands always so damn cold?!?.45 said..."I think I'll give him a little something extra to satisfy the Iron Maiden."stushie said...Diesel realized he had drunk one too many when he was caught trying to milk Iron Man.Jay said..."Dang it! I never can remember which metric tools correspond with with standard tools. Curse me for buying a foreign car!"Theresa said......
More About: Superheroes

Harry Potter and the Comments of Retardedness
2008-03-10 18:32:00
One of my most popular posts ever is Harry Potter and the Inevitable Slide into Satanism. It even made it into my book. The point of the post was to make fun of close-minded people who won't let their kids read Harry Potter books. I wrote: Now that I'm a parent, I've realized the necessity of keeping certain books, movies and music away from my children. I don't like the idea of censorship, but no matter how much my kids beg they are not going to be allowed to listen to "Fergilicious" or read Eragon. I'm sorry, but I believe the children are our future.Neither of my children (aged 5 and 7) have come home toting a Black Sabbath record yet, so I've dodged that bullet so far. But in anticipation of my seven-year-old bookworm eventually asking whether he may read Harry Potter and the Nominative Phrase, I decided to peruse one of these books to determine for myself whether there was any real danger.I then expressed my shock and outrage at "finding" this signup form in the book ...
More About: Books , Blogging , Comments

Caption Contest: Iron Man!
2008-03-07 20:26:00
In case you're new around here, that's me fiddling around with Iron Man 's torso. Submit your captions in the comments. I'll post the best ones in a poll on Tuesday.Have fun and have a super weekend.Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Movies , Contest , Superheroes

American Ingenuity
2008-03-06 20:42:00
So I guess they killed off Captain America. Like, um, a year ago.I'm a little late on this, because I haven't read comics for a while, and I never really did follow Captain America. I like the idea of Captain America, but he always seemed like a dull character to me. First, there's his secret identity: Steve Rogers. I mean, come on. Steve Rogers? What, was the name Jim Blandguy taken?Captain America's origin isn't exactly inspiring either: As a young man, Steve volunteers to serve in the military during World War II, but is turned down because he is too weak and sickly. He is offered the opportunity to become a subject in a "super soldier" project. A prior subject has already been driven insane by the "super soldier" serum, but Steve lucks out: The serum greatly enhances his strength and reflexes, transforming him into a "nearly perfect human being." He is given the name Captain America, and sent off to fight the Nazis.So, to recap, our plan for defeating the Nazis was to condu...
More About: American , Superheroes

Humor Me
2008-03-05 19:04:00
You may not be aware of this, but in addition to this site I also run a blog directory called Humor -Blogs.com. (I know, you're probably wondering what other secrets I've been keeping from you. Like maybe I've written a book, or I've been editing an online humor magazine.)Shortly after I started this blog, I began looking for ways to promote it. One way that a lot of people recommended was to get listed with a blog directory, like BlogTopList or TopBlogging. So I submitted my site to a bunch of directories, hoping for a small boost in traffic. What I got was basically nothing. I mean, I might get one visit a week from each of these sites. I even tried putting their banners near the top of my template and writing posts encouraging my readers to click on them so that I'd move up in the rankings. And I did move up slightly, for a short time, which resulted in me getting maybe 2 visits a week.Presumably these sites are helping someone, but it's not me. And it irked me that...