Mattress Police - The Secret Files

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This is Not a Post
2007-01-04 23:42:01
Today I'm guest posting over at Central Snark, so head over there for my recap of 2006's most disappointing movies. Hey, didn't you hear me? I'm not here. I'm over at Central Snark. Seriously, go away. There's nothing here about the Saddam execution. There's nothing here about Saddam at all, in fact. Saddam Hussein, I mean. That is what you're searching for, right? You want to see the Saddam video on Youtube. Or for those of you who can't spell, the "Sadam" video. Yes, this site would be a nice resource if it provided a link to the Saddam Hussein execution video. Not as much of a nice resource as Studivz, Jobster or Limewire, but a nice resource nonetheless. But I'm afraid there's nothing here about Saddam or even some less notorious dead people, such as James Brown or Gerald Ford. Yeah, you want to see a hanging and a funeral, but you're not going to get either. Nor is there anything about Britney Spears, Beyonce Knowles, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilt...
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I Pity the Fool Who Tries to Feminize Me
2007-01-03 05:39:01
So I started out with the intention of giving a shout-out to this guy, because the powers that be at the church associated with the Christian school where my wife teaches recently cancelled his Modesto show because he encourages people to engage in unseemly behavior such as the public confession of sins. I'd post more of my thoughts about this, but one thing about retiring at 36 is that you're very dependent on your wife's health insurance. So I'll stick with ripping on Galactic Invertebrates. In any case, it would be a little hypocritical for me to suddenly proclaim myself a big Brad Stine fan, as my initial reaction to hearing that a "Christian comedian" was going to be performing at the church was to roll my eyes so far back in my head that I could actually see my brain thinking about how lame that sounded. I know, I know. I'm sure that there are super-duper funny comedians who are Christians, just like there are great writers and musicians and lawyers and...
More About: Mini , Fool , Pity , Trie

A Crude Proposal
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I know that y'all come here looking for a few cheap laughs, but today I have important work to do. This, being the last day of twenty-diggety-six, is the day that the world turns its lonely eyes to me to solve one of the big outstanding problems of 2006. Yes, every year on this date I write down the ten biggest unresolved problems of the outgoing year on small pieces of paper and throw them in a hat. Then I put the hat on my head and dance around the house in my bathrobe to the strains of Journey's Separate Ways until all of the scraps fall out except for one. The last remaining problem is the one that I will solve, for the benefit of mankind. This year's big problems include global warming, the cancellation of Arrested Development, and that popping sound that my sternum is making these days when I move too suddenly. Most of the rest of the problems are related to some trouble spot in the world, such as Darfur, Afghanistan, or I-580 between Pleasanton and Livermo...
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Anything Interesting Happen While I Was Out?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
So I suppose you all know by now that the recent tumult on this site was an elaborate ruse to prepare for the launch of a new design. This isn't to say that there aren't nefarious elements within the Mattress Police plotting my demise. The warring clans are, unfortunately, all too real. It was necessary to allow Troy and his compatriots to become overconfident so that they would overplay their hand. Once Troy had asserted control, I was able to covertly incite his enemies to execute a coup. Having overthrown Troy, this faction immediately devolved into squabbling about who would be the new Chief Inspector, whether they would get to wear a crown, how long the sceptre should be, and whether dental and vision would be included. Reasserting my supremacy as Chief Inspector and rolling out the new design (which has been languishing in the Design Committee for years) was a simple matter under such circumstances. Things did get a little dicey for a while there. When Tro...
More About: Interesting , Inter , Interest , Sting , Rest

Because One Blog Isn't Big Enough to Contain My Head
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Now that I've rested a bit from my ordeal and sated myself with rice krispy treats and Dr. Pepper, I can spare a few moments to tell you about some of the changes that have recently occurred here.First, I've created a new look for my blog. If you haven't noticed, get off your fricking Blackberry for crying out loud. Nobody thinks you're cool any more.Second, my blog has fractured into two separate blogs:The Secret Files of the Mattress Police - My main blog. Pretty much what you're used to seeing here, although I probably won't be updating quite as often. I'm thinking Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Matress Police Dispatches - This is where I'm going to stick short stuff that is either going to make you laugh hysterically or make you wish you had that 12 seconds of your life back. I confess to blatantly ripping off my mentor and hero Mr. Fabulous' Pointless Drivel/Pointless Directives dichotomy. Why am I doing this? Because when I post a long essay, I get the impres...
More About: Blog , Enough , Head , Cause

I'm a Homemaker!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
For those of you who don't believe I'm really building a house, here's some proof. Almost none of the photos have been doctored in any way. Click on the pic for a larger version.A view of our property from the street. That's the barn to the right and Opa's house to the left. Our house is way back behind Opa's house.Opa's house, from the driveway.Further down the driveway. Our house is behind the trampoline and the P.O.S. Ford.A closer look at our house. Our bedrooms are in the part that looks like a garage. Yes, that's a faux garage door. Convincing, no? That's why our cars are outside.The addition site.Front view. The left half is already built.First floor plan.2nd floor plan.Maddie "helping."Me and the boss.I included this one because of the UFO in the distance.
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Make Diesel Read a Book - Update 4
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Despite the impending holidays and the recent string of coups at the Mattress Police, the Lamest Contest Ever soldiers on. I have just ticked off two more books on my list, simply by reading them. You wouldn't think it would be so easy to anger books, but they are a surprisingly temperamental lot. Check out my reading log to review my thoughts on Nessa's Happenstance and Mark Teague's Letters from Obedience School. I'm expecting a shipment of new reading material from Santazon tonight.In case you don't know, the Lamest Contest Ever works like this:You post an entry on your blog recommending a book for me to read. You link to my site in your post. You post a comment here letting me know about your post. I add your book to my reading list, with a link back to your blog. I read the book and post my thoughts about it on my reading log. That's it? You say. That's it, I say. That's lame, you say. That's why it's called the lamest contest ever, I say. I then add, Tr...
More About: Diesel , Book , Read , Update , Make

How the Almond Farmer Saved Christmas
2007-01-02 17:38:02
During the 2005-06 crop year, more than $1.3 million worth of almonds were stolen from growers and shippers in the San Joaquin Valley. Truckload after truckload, thieves allegedly trespassed onto properties, cut fences and broke locks to get to the valuable nuts. Sheriff's deputies say thieves hot-wired several tractor-trailers around the Central Valley and were able to flee with almonds that were awaiting shipment overseas. California almond growers in 2004-05 produced $2.2 billion worth of almonds. Source: California Farm Bureau Federation The Thule fog whipped around Santa's sleigh, obscuring his vision of the ground below. "On Donner! On Blitzen! We're going to be late!" Not for the first time he cursed himself for letting Rudolph go. The old boy had been hitting the nog pretty hard lately, but his incandescent schnoz sure would have come in handy on a night like this. A loud crack and the howls of terrified reindeer broke the calm of the still winter ai...
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10 Things That Suck Less Than Working at Galactic Invertebra
2007-01-02 17:38:02
If I weren't retired, I'd be on my way to work at Galactic Invertebrates* right now rather than sitting at home watching my kids watch Dora the Explorer. I love the part where you have to say "Swiper no swiping!" to keep Swiper from swiping. Then when Dora says, "Gracias!", I say"De Nada, baby. I got your back!" Man, if I was 30 years younger....Anyway, it occurred to me that today would be a good day to post an IM conversation I had a few weeks back with a fellow ex-Galactic Invertebrates employee. You know her as "Not Karen," a pseudonym that cleverly hints that her real name could be virtually anything. We were chatting on a day that I took off from work to sign papers for refinancing my property, and we came up with the idea of listing all the horrible things we'd rather do than work at Galactic Invertebrates. The list was pretty funny, but I think the conversation about the list was even better.not karen: any new news?diesel: nopediesel: signing papers at 4:30diesel: ...
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Or Maybe "I See a Red Door and I Want It Painted Black"
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've been tagged with a Christmas meme by Poppy of Opiate of the Masses. I'm supposed to list what I got for Christmas, or didn't get, or wanted to get, or something. I'm not so good with following rules. It doesn't look like Poppy followed them precisely either, nor did the person who tagged her. So I'm figuring that by this point this meme is probably like one of those games of telephone where the first person says "There's another city under attack" and the last person hears "Things are going swimmingly in Iraq."Anyway, here's a list of things I got for Christmas. I may have embellished a few of them. If you feel like playing, consider yourself tagged.My daughter Maddie gave me a grocery bag full of all of the vegetables she hadn't eaten over the previous year. It smelled like cabbage and sneakers.My mentally challenged brother Phil gave me a comic book that he made by cutting pictures of people out of Sports Illustrated, Fangoria and Martha Stewart Living maga...
More About: Pain , Black , Maybe , Want , Door

The Force is Middling in this One
2007-01-02 17:38:02
6/30/06Cam Cloudhammer, Director of Human Resources, Order of the JediDear Mr. Cloudhammer,As a recent graduate of the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences, I was excited to hear about the opening with the Jedi Knights for an entry level Force Technician I. I have long dreamed of joining the Jedi Order and I think I will be a valuable asset to your organization.As you can see from my enclosed resume, I graduated with a 3.2 GPA and I scored a 1242 on the Force Assessment Test. I did particularly well in Advanced Midi-Chlorianology and Pre-Imperial History. I believe I could have performed even better academically, but I worked my way through school recalibrating moisture vaporators. I think the combination of my rigorous coursework and practical experience will serve me well as a Force Technician I.I'm available for an interview on short notice on most weekdays. I know my resume probably isn't the most impressive you will receive, but I think you'll find that I'm "good Jedi mate...
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Housekeeping Post
2007-01-02 17:38:02
My shipment from Amazon finally arrived, so I've made some more progress on the Lamest Contest Ever. Read my thoughts on Hugh Laurie's The Gunseller at Central Booking.I'm struggling with the temptation to come out of retirement. Find out why at Mattress Police Dispatches.Due to some complaints about Blogger's word verification component not working properly, and even more complaints about it working properly, I have disabled word verification for commenting. I'm going to give this a try and see if the spam is manageable.That is all. Tune in tomorrow for some important end of the world year news. Tagus Intactus, Civitate Intactus.
More About: House , Post , Keep , Housekeeping , Ping

Is Anyone Here a Widgetologist?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
"I sell air."- Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal) in City SlickersSince my recent post regarding my retirement, many of you have asked what it is that Galactic Invertebrates does exactly. That's a lie. Nobody asked. Nobody cares what Galactic Invertebrates does. I don't even care, and I worked there for three years. You know what GI does? In a word, nothing. You know how most companies make widgets or widget holders or widget accessories or anti-widget cream? Well, those companies need someone to market those widgets and widget-related products, right? And they need somebody to ship them to far-away widget-deprived (or widget-infested, as the case may be) regions of the globe. And they need someone to assist them with meeting the federal guidelines for widget calibration, of course. In short, there is a lot more to widget-related product manufacture than just making the widget-related products. Unfortunately, GI doesn't do any of those things either. So what do the...
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MOre bloggy goodies!!!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Hey Blog ging Buddies!Troy Van Dellen back again with more blogarificgoodies! I know how tired you all must be of all the sarcasm and whiningthat used to be all over this site, so I'm just going to post nice stuff.Like this little number! Its a dog whose said because the kitty is in hisbed!!!This one is a kitty sleeping on it's back!Well, that's enough for today.
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Hi Everybody!!!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Heya folks!Sorry about that last post and the recent technical difficulties. We're doing a little house-cleaning, and you know what they say, you can't clean a house without breaking a few eggs!You'll be happy to hear that Diesel has been reassigned to another location. He wanted me to relay this message to you:Hello my blogging readers. I have decided of my own free will to stop being the Chief Inspector of the Mattress Police, because I have other dreams that I want to pursue, such as building a house and reading many interesting children's fantasy books in an undisclosed location. Please do not feel badly for me because I am not suffering very much pain at all. I have done lot's of "soul-searcing" recently and I think that I made a mistake when I decided to post many uninteresting stories about "pop music" and other things not furthering the goals of the Mattress Police. For that reason I am retiring to an undisclosed (painless) location and I want you to "put your hand's t...
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I understand Mattress Inspectors have a very short life expe
2007-01-02 17:38:02
You may have noticed the quantity and quality of my posts slipping recently. I know, we all go through dry patches, but this is more serious. Why? Because it's the Matt ress Police, that's why. The Mattress Police don't have "dry patches." They don't have down time. The Mattress Police are all-seeing, all-knowing, and always on. Why is this important? Because although you may not realize it, intact mattress tags are the lynchpin of society. A citizenry that feels free to remove its mattress tags soon moves on to torching Taco Bells, punching baby otters, and deciding to buy Fergie's CD before they've even seen the album cover. There is a reason that our motto is tagus intactus, civitate intactus. And it's not because I just made it up. When tags are removed, society becomes a mockery of its former self. And a poor mockery at that, like Joe Piscopo doing an impression of Bill Cosby doing one of his crazy rants against poor black people. It's so far removed from an ...
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Make Diesel Read a Book -- UPDATE 3
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've added several more books to my list, including:The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay suggested by Lynda from Lynda's Great JourneyEragon by Christopher Paolini suggested by Kat from Kat's Random ThoughtsHappenstance by Vanessa V. Kilmer suggested by Nessa of The Chrysalis StageHaroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie suggested by Hayden of Lyric FlightThe Iliad and Odyssey by Homer suggested by Jennifer from Strangers Have the Best CandyDear Mrs LaRue - Letters from Obedience School by Mark Teague suggested by G from Simply SaidMore importantly, I've actually started reading. I've just updated my reading log with my thoughts thus far on Eragon.You can suggest a book by creating a blog entry on your site explaining why Diesel should read a particular book. Was that last sentence too confusing? It seems straightforward to me. You create a blog entry on your blog. You explain why I should read the book. You link to me. I read the book. Not complicated, right? O...
More About: Book , Read , Update , Make

Sock it to Me
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I pick my socks out in the dark. Wait, let me back up.I sleep in a garage. No, that's not it either. One more try.Four years ago my wife and I bought 10 acres of land just oustide a small California town named Ripon. We planned to build a 2400+ square foot house on it, but I didn't have the time or money to build it all at once. So we built half of it to start with. Unfortunately, it's the half without the bedrooms. Solution? LOTS of coffee. Not for the kids of course; we give them Mountain Dew and Pixie Stix. Who needs bedrooms? Our family hasn't slept in 9 months!Actually, we partitioned the garage into two bedrooms, one for the kids and one for the adults (that's my wife and myself). We're going to start on Phase 2 pretty soon, but for now we sleep in the garage. It's not as bad as it sounds. Other than the slightly sloped floor and the Buick Rendezvous next to the dresser, you'd never know that it was the garage. Oh, and the lighting isn't so great.So I p...

Housekeeping Post
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've got a lof of miscellaneous updates to make today.First, my brother-in-law's family is hanging in there. We had the funeral on Tuesday. Several hundred people came out, many from far across the U.S. and Canada. It was a fitting tribute to John. Most of the family who don't live in the area have gone back home now, and John's wife and three sons could use your prayers as things get back to "normal" for them.Second, I have made some more additions to my reading list:Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser suggested by Kat from MagicKatThe Truth Machine by James Halperin suggested by Neva of PuppyToesThe Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini suggested by Ann from At Home with AnnIf you want to suggest a book for me to read, check out the rules here.Third, I have posted some more thoughts on Eragon on my Reading Log. I'm almost halfway through....Fourth, a while back I mentioned that I was going to be quitting my job on December 8. I ended up taking several days off because of John'...
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That's Enough for Today... Hit the Showers!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've been posting an awful lot lately, so I'm going to give y'all a break so you can catch up. Because unless you're a stalker like Gregory, you probably haven't even read my musings on the sexual subtext of Eragon yet.One more thing before I let you go: I'm thinking of starting a game that my fellow bloggers can play. The game is based on the premise that there are two types of blogs on my blogroll:Blogs that I like so much that I would link to them even if they don't link back to me.Blogs that I like, but probably not enough to keep linking to them if they didn't link back to me.The object of the game would be to remain ignorant of which type of blog yours is. Who wants to play?
More About: Show , Today , Hat , Enough , That

What Kind of Blogger Are You?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Ok, I'm probably pressing my luck posting this after yesterday's snarkfest, but what the hell.I've always wanted to make one of those "What kind of ________ are you" quizzes for people to put on their blogs, and I've finally done it! My results are below. Click on the graphic to try it yourself!
More About: Blogger , Blog , Hat , Logger

The Lark Never Expected to Become Famous Just for Being a Si
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I started this blog as a lark, sort of making fun of myself and bloggers and the whole idea of blogging. Now here I am, a real live blogger with a small following of devoted readers who actually take time out of their busy schedules of mowing lawns and removing monkey appendices to read this blog. I was reflecting on this the other day, and it made me wonder what other great accomplishments throughout history were the result of someone just saying, "What the hell, I've got some free time." I did some research on the Interweb and was surprised at what I discovered: Claude Monet: Was forced to paint water lillies without his glasses on because he lost a bet Michelangelo: Wanted to cover some water stains on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with pictures of "cool Bible dudes" Leonardo daVinci: Painted himself and fraternity buddies as Jesus and disciples at the Last Supper as a college prank James Joyce: Wrote Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man to mess with his 7th...
More About: Just , Famous , Expect , Come , Ever

Thursday Shout-Out: Apropos of Something
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Today's post is dedicated to an individual whose dreams are even more bizarre than mine, Jess of Apropos of Something . I have a love-hate relationship with people who might be funnier than me -- I love them right up to the point that they disappear in a mysterious boating accident. I hate it when that happens. Anyway, Jess' blog is definitely worth checking out. Frequent visitors to this blog will know that I have a tendency to dream about 70s sitcom characters. A recent post on his Jess' blog reminded me of a dream I had several years ago. At the time I was attending a church in Michigan which had the distinction of being the most liberal church in an extremely conservative denomination. It was pretty traditional really, except for the occasional weird thing like somebody doing an interpretive dance on Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians or something. Other than stuff like that, it was your typical white people sitting quietly and singing songs kind of...
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Hey, Didn't You Just Do This One?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Yeah, but I've got nothing else to post and I thought I could get some more mileage out of it. Now that we all know this is a joke, let's have some fun with it. If you're a blogger and you don't have anything better to post this weekend, go ahead and take my "quiz" by clicking on the graphic above and post the results on your blog. You can tell people it's a joke if you want, or just play it straight and say something like, "Wow, this quiz is uncanny."I've noticed a few people have posted it already, and I'm not completely sure they realize that there's only one possible result to the quiz. Or maybe they do, and they're just playing along. Either way, it's all good fun.Come on, it's not like you have anything better to do.
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I Told You It Would Be Cool
2007-01-02 17:38:02
The Saturday Quiz has been pre-empted by something better this week.One of the happy side effects of having family from all over the civilized world and Canada out for John's funeral is that I got to meet several very cool members of my wife's extended family. Since the funeral I have been conversing by email with one of Julia's cousins, a guy named Andrew. I mentioned to him that I was something of a writer, and sent him a link to my blog. He mentioned that he was something of a musician, and sent me a link to a song that he wrote and performed.I think he wins.He swears to me that this really is him, but honestly if he had told me that "Man of Clay" was a Temple of the Dog bootleg, I would have had an easier time believing it. "Invitation" reminds me a little of Third Day or maybe Neil Young. The production quality isn't fantastic, but the songs themselves are amazing. Anyway, take a listen yourself and tell me what you think.Man of ClayInvitation
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Sorry You Feel Like Crap. Have Some Dog Hair!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I could never be an alcoholic. I say this not to brag about my willpower, as I have little. My problem, in fact, is the opposite. I lack the discipline to force myself to drink all day.I used to be pretty good at getting drunk. In college I would go to a party and down six or seven beers in a couple of hours, and then pass out on a couch or small shrub. It helped that at the time I weighed about as much as Kate Moss at the nadir of the binge/purge cycle, but I attribute my ready inebriation primarily to youthful enthusiasm. In college, I had a single goal in mind: get wasted in as little time as possible. As I got older, I lost focus. It was no longer about just getting wasted; I became seduced by the allure of sleeping in my own bed and not vomiting into a strange man's dresser. When I finally gave in to the desire to avoid making an ass of myself, I could no longer maintain the drive I needed to drink three beers during an episode of Alf. By the time I started to actual...
More About: Crap , Hair , Have , Like , Feel

Stick With Your Strengths, Even if Your Strength is Being a
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I didn't learn how to have a normal conversation until I was about 25. I'm pretty good at it now, but sarcasm will always be my first language.I sometimes forget how sarcastic I am until I give someone a compliment and they say something like, "Screw you, jerk!" Apparently I don't do sincerity very well.Still, I keep trying, in an effort to make something of my emotionally stunted personality. The other day I said to my wife, in an effort to express my admiration for her, "I don't think there's anyone quite like you." She said,"Hmm. I'm not sure if that's good or bad." And I responded with firm conviction, "Oh, it's good."I think I'm going to stick with sarcasm.By the way, I made the "motivational poster" at http://diy.despair.com/motivator.php.
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