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Happy Birthday and Get Well Soon!
2008-02-26 17:01:00
It's the happiest, saddest and most inappropriate day of the year! Yes, Inappropriate Card Day is finally here!Celebrate by giving an inappropriate card to someone you recognize! Or don't!----------------------------------- --The competition in the caption contest was fierce this week.I finally narrowed it down to these ten:Brad: "Most of all, I'd like to thank our optometrists..."Mark Jabo: Nominated for Best Picture and, in the lesser known category of Best Mattress Police Caption... "No Country For Old Men"ArmadilloTrader: Out of nowhere, Diesel gets a brilliant idea for his sure-fire Oscar winning movie : "Raging Apocalypse Temple of Doom Wars"renalfailure: And the Oscar for Worst Combined Eyesight goes to...kev: Unable to fight the urge any longer, Diesel decides to give in to temptation and feast on Martin Scorsese's delicious brain..45: The Hair Club for Men delighted this year in bestowing its coveted Golden Baldie award on a shocked and tearful Britney Spears.stushie:...
More About: Happy , Birthday , Happy Birthday

It's Inappropriate Card Day Eve!
2008-02-25 17:00:00
Tomorrow is Inappropriate Card Day! I know, it really sneaks up on you, doesn't it? In case you're somehow unaware of this phenomenon that is now so popular that even when I search my own website for "Inappropriate Card," Google suggests that maybe did I mean "Inappropriate care"? I mean, come on. "Inappropriate care"? Who is searching for that? What does that even mean? "Sorry, Bill. I killed your ficus while you were on vacation. I think I may have given it inappropriate care."Whatever. Anyway, in case you're somehow unaware of this phenomenon that is sweeping the nation like baby fish mouth*, here's the deal:February 26 is Inappropriate Card Day. You celebrate ICD by -- surprise! -- exchanging inappropriate cards. There are no rules. Well, except for the fact that the card has to be completely inappropriate -- and not risque inappropriate; that's too easy. It has to be a card that would be perfectly appropriate for someone other than the recipient, preferably on ...

Caption Contest: The Oscars!
2008-02-22 19:17:00
Yes, it's that time of year again, I guess. I can't stand the Academy Awards. What a load of pretentious crap. But hey, that's no reason for me not to capitalize on the popularity of the Oscars for my own purposes.In case you're new here, that's me rubbing shoulders with Frank Coppola, Marty Scorsese and a couple other blokes. Submit your captions in the comments. I'll post the top 10 on Tuesday. And I'll be back on Monday with a brand new post -- not to mention the second brilliant issue of the Clay Pigeon. Have a pleasant weekend.Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Contest , Caption

Sarcasm, Harry Potter and Satanism, Oh My!
2008-02-22 01:41:00
Bear with me while I conduct a little experiment.I've noticed that the traffic on this site has taken a significant drop over the past week or so. Analyzing my stats, I see that I'm not getting nearly as many hits from Google image search any more. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; what I'm interested in is readers, not people looking for Britney Spears pics (and yes, in answer to yesterday's questions, I did actually post one picture of Britney before yesterday -- in my Britney/Paris Hilton caption contest).Anyway, this discovery prompted me to do some experimenting with Google image search, and sure enough, I'm no longer the world's leading authority on sarcasm. If you look hard enough, you can find my sarcasm motivational poster, but on someone else's site. What's up with that?Same thing with "Harry Potter Satanism ." My "Satanism for Dummies" book cover pops up, but on someone else's site.And the form that I tore out of the back of a Harry Potter book to request ...
More About: Books , Sarcasm

Don't You Know that You're Toxic?
2008-02-20 19:44:00
So lately my neck has been killing me. I?m not sure if it?s the driving or what, but I?ve got this knot in my upper back/neck area. The really messed up thing is that when I went to bed on Friday night, it was on the left side, and when I woke up Saturday morning it was on the right. How does that happen?I?ve been thinking about going to a chiropractor, but with my luck I?d get somebody who slept through How to Not Paralyze People class. So as a sort of compromise between incessant whining and possibly becoming a quadriplegic, I?ve been getting occasional massages.My massage therapist, despite the fact that she shares a last name with a famous movie serial killer, is pretty good. One of the things about people in quasi-medical professions, of course, is that they are required to master the art of speaking in pseudo-scientific language. Toxins is a favorite word, generally used to explain why you feel even worse after the treatment. ?You may be nauseous for next several hours,...
More About: Toxic

Pay Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain
2008-02-19 23:19:00
Occasionally as I am making my rounds through the blogosphere, I run across someone referring to me in excessively laudatory terms, e.g. "the mighty Diesel" or "Mr. Diesel President-CEO-Founder-King of Humor-Blogs." (Thanks, Lobo and Bee.)I want you to know, first of all, that I enjoy these appellations and wish them to continue.It is only fitting, after all, for someone who has the 25,692nd ranked blog on Technorati to be held in such esteem. I'm basically a celebrity, like Taye Diggs or Leelee Sobieski.And this blog -- the 25,692nd most popular blog in the world -- isn't even my only website. I also run Humor-Blogs.com, which, when it isn't crashing because of some kind of database error, is a really big list of other blogs. And frankly I'm being modest, because in addition to it being a list of blogs, there is big column of arbitrarily truncated posts from those blogs, that may or may not appear in chronological order!Yes, I am an impressive individual. And, not being sat...
More About: Attention

The Clay Pigeon has Landed!
2008-02-18 09:01:00
It's here!The Clay Pigeon is a weekly online humor magazine put together by a select few of the evil geniuses over at humor-blogs.com (including yours truly). The first issue launches today!I've been working so hard on this damn thing over the past few weeks that I didn't even have time to write a decent post announcing it. So I pretty much stole this one word-for-word from Joel over at Crummy Church Signs, one of my co-conspirators.What is the Clay Pigeon? Well, to truly answer that question, you had best visit the magazine itself and read the special interview with publishing magnate Rusty Gibbons.In short, however, the Clay Pigeon is a collection of the funniest of the funny. Some older, reworked, blog posts. Some brand new pieces. Some funny things we found online by unknown authors that you really need to be reading. All approved by the CP staff and edited (yes, edited...this is a magazine, after all, and not a blog) to reach Full Humor Potential.Make no mistake: We're g...

Caption Contest Winners
2008-02-15 16:19:00
This week's winning caption came from Theresa. Theresa, you may proudly display the image with the winning caption and/or the coveted In Your Face award:Theresa narrowly beat out renalfailure, who offered up:The years were not kind to Short Round. Not only was his hairline receding, he completely ceased being Asian as well.And in third was LOBO, with:... Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet ... ?Thanks for playing, everybody. Have a great weekend, and be sure to come back Monday for an earth-shattering announcement. Literally, the earth will shatter.Humor-blogs.com will never cease being Asian.
More About: Movies , Contest , Winners , Caption

What's the Difference?
2008-02-13 22:15:00
I'm proud to present a new feature on Mattress Police called What 's the Difference ?, in which I explain the difference between two similar words or concepts. I think you'll find it fun and/or educational.Cyborgs and androids. Here's the deal: Cyborgs resent their human makers and will eventually turn on them. It is an open question whether androids dream of electric sheep, but it is a known fact that cyborgs dream only of the eradication of the human species. And sometimes that they are running.Bison and buffalo. Despite the fact that buffalo and bison are two completely different things, they cannot tell each other apart. This causes no end of trouble for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, which insists on lumping them together -- flouting the clear distinction made by the always authoritative Wikipedia. The easiest way to tell these two proud animals apart is to carry a buffalo nickel with you for reference. It has a picture of a bison on it.Pumas, cougars, panther a...

Vote!
2008-02-13 06:47:00
Sorry, folks, it's been a crazy day so I'm a little late getting this posted. Here are this week's top ten captions. I'll post the winner on Friday.Brad said...After fulfilling young Diesel's odd request, Harrison Ford immediately quit the Make-A-Wish Foundation.Howard said...Diesel: "AAAAAAAHHH! Oh, sorry, Indy. I thought you were a mummy. Jesus, you're old now."Bunk said..."Sorry about that one, guys. I held it in as long as I could."LOBO said... Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet ... ?Barry said... Indiana: So Diesel, You remembered to pack the lube?Theresa said... Indy: Come on Marion, we've got to get him to the bank before rigor mortis sets in, otherwise they'll never let us cash his check..45 said... If I can just get in there one more time, I think I can reach the gerbil.renalfailure said...The years were not kind to Short Round. ...
More About: Vote

14 Shopping Days Till Inappropriate Card Day!
2008-02-11 19:07:00
Every year somebody asks me what I'm getting Mrs. Diesel for Valentine's Day.My answer is that Mrs. Diesel and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day.This statement is greeted with predictable disbelief. "But you have to get her something.""No, I don't. She told me not to get her anything."Then comes the inevitable tsk-tsking (and let's say it altogether now): "She says she doesn't want you to get her anything, but you know she really wants something." This is followed by a dissertation on what a Foolish, Naive Husband I am for not reading between the lines of "Seriously. Don't get me anything. It's a stupid holiday. Don't get me anything. Really."So here's the deal: While I appreciate your presumption that you have a better understanding of my 15 year relationship with my wife than I do, the fact is that Mrs. Diesel is neither a materialistic whore who trades affection for candy and flowers, nor a sub-lingual beast who is incapable of communicating her feelings in anyt...
More About: Shopping , Card , Days

Caption Contest: Indiana Jones
2008-02-08 18:21:00
You know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. I'll post the best ones in a poll on Tuesday. Have a swell weekend!It drops on 2/18.Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Movies , Contest , Indiana , Indiana Jones , Jones

Terminator vs. Highlander: The Sarah Connor McLeod Chronicles
2008-02-06 18:02:00
Sarah Connor McLeod, proud Highlander woman, is tending her sheep in the Scottish Highlands, when a hulking stranger wearing a kilt approaches.Terminator: Are you Sarah Connor McLeod?Sarah: I am. Sarah Connor McLeod of the Clan McCleod. And who might you be, stranger?Terminator: I am a cyborg sent from the future to kill you. I was reprogrammed by a resistance fighter and sent here to prevent a terrible catastrophe.Sarah: Kill me? But why? I'm just a poor Scottish peasant type person, living in the Scottish Highlands.Terminator: You will give birth to a son who will be named Connor McLeod. He will be immortal, as long as nobody chops his head off.Sarah: Well, that doesn't sound like a bad thing.Terminator: Yes, but in the 20th century he will father a daughter, who will be called Sarah Connor. And she, in turn, will give birth to John Connor, who is destined to be the leader of the resistance. He will lead humanity to victory against a race of intelligent machines who are ...
More About: Movies , Science Fiction , Chronicles

Sock Drawer
2008-02-04 18:03:00
Sometimes I wonder if Hugh Jackman is an alien sent to earth from outer space to spy on humanity. The aliens wanted to give him a totally average sounding name that wouldn't stand out, so they came up with "Jack Human," but then there was a mix-up with the paperwork.I think broccoli is a freak of evolution. There are two evolutionary paths for plants to go down: Either they taste bad so people (and most animals) don't eat them, or they taste good so that animals will eat them but discard the seeds and more plants grow. Either way the plant wins. But there are a few plants, like broccoli, that couldn't decide which path to take. So they're edible, but just barely. Way to pick the "chock-full-of-vitamins-but-tastes-like-c rap package," you stupid vegetable. Oh, and you can drop the act. Nobody really believes you're a tree.If Cop Rock was in the dictionary, it would be right above coprophilia.When fog is really thick, people always compare it to pea soup. But when pea so...
More About: Drawer

Caption Contest Winners
2008-02-01 18:05:00
This week's winning caption came from y not i. Y not i, if you had a blog, you could display the coveted In Your Face award:In second place was Bex Mitchell, with:Rambo - "...and I will love him, and hug him, andcall him George..." (Diesel sighs with contentment.)And in third, AnnieB with:J*sus! This is like trying to open a f**king jar of pickles!Congratulations, folks. There were some really good entries this week. Personally, I had to go with Stushie's "Hey, look Apollo! I caught the chicken!" I mean, come on, that's funny.Thanks for playing and/or voting, everybody. And thanks for your kind comments on my Monkeyhands post. You have no idea how glad I am to be out of that place. As one commenter noted, Monkeyhands was never going to change, so there was no point in giving him the benefit of my opinion. That's really what finally made me gave up on the place: As long as Monkeyhands was running the place, it was always going to be a two-bit monkey show, because he was ...
More About: Movies , Contest , Winners , Caption

Hasta la Vista, Monkeyhands (part 2)
2008-01-30 18:08:00
For those of you too lazy to read part 1, a brief recap of what has happened up to this point: His Excellency Lord Monkeyhands, CEO of Galactic Invertebrates, failed to tell our most important client about a project that I had been working on for THREE YEARS, and which was going to be rolled out to all of our clients in SEVEN DAYS. As a result, an emergency meeting was convened with Asshole, the president of our most important client, BeeStings Unlimited. At this meeting, Asshole dictated a list of brand new requirements which would be virtually impossible to implement by the scheduled launch date. At this point, I had a decision to make. I could say, "Screw it. Serves these idiots right if this application doesn't launch on time." I could make a big stink about why the application didn't launch on time, and all the executive directors would get to explain to their clients that the CEO of Galactic Invertebrates is a retard and that while each and every one of our clients is s...
More About: Vista , Work , Part , Jerks

Vote!
2008-01-29 22:58:00
Man, there were some killer captions this time. I had a tough time picking. (Mrs. Diesel will occasionally pick a favorite or two, but lately she's been making me do the grunt work. Like this is my blog or something.)Here are the ten finalists. Vote for your favorite, and I'll post the winners on Friday. And make sure you come back tomorrow to read the conclusion of the Galactic Invertebrates saga. See you then!y not i said...After mistaking Diesel's head for a giant Pez dispenser, Rambo becomes enraged when he can't get any candy out.CrummyJoel said... ...I swear......I didn't know......that it was a fake Rolex....crazy aunt bea said...Rambo gives Diesel a little head.BRWombat said...I was... kidding... I... LIKED "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!"Kadi Prescott said...I'm sorry! I didn't know it was the last temporary hand tattoo!Miss Britt said...When you squeeze me like that, I worry I will fart.stushie said...Hey, look Apollo! I caught the chicken!Bex Mitchell said...Rambo...
More About: Movies

Hasta la Vista, Monkeyhands
2008-01-28 17:19:00
Note: This story, concerning my final days at Galactic Invertebrates, is long overdue. I only waited this long because until recently I was still doing consulting work for them, and I didn't want to needlessly antagonize the little asswipes. Also, it's generally not a good idea to badmouth a former employer on the internet when you've just started a new job. Suffice it to say that my current employer is about as far from Galactic Invertebrates as could be. In fact, my current boss -- as well as her boss -- are both former GI employees who got fed up with the idiots running that place around the same time I did.I had to break it into two posts because it's a little long, but I think you'll enjoy it. The second worst boss I ever had was the CEO of Galactic Invertebrates.Galactic Invertebrates, as you recall, is a small interstellar firm that specializes in bending over. The owner and CEO is a diminutive extraterrestrial being who is known as His Excellency Lord Monkeyhands...
More About: Vista , Work , Jerks

Caption Contest: Rambo 4
2008-01-25 17:13:00
Yes, believe it or not, having put the cap on the Rocky series, old Sly is now resurrecting the Rambo franchise. When last we left Rambo, he was assisting the Mujahideen in their struggle to throw rocks at the Soviet army fleeing Afghanistan. Now, still tormented by events that occurred about six wars ago, he becomes a reluctant one man army fighting against something or other that is interfering with his busy Matlock-watching schedule. And I was there when it all went down.Submit your captions in the comments. I'll post the best ones in a poll on Tuesday. Have fun!Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Movies , Contest , Caption , Rambo 4

Tremble Before My Shovel!
2008-01-23 17:03:00
Greetings, wormfood!I apologize for my long absence. Diesel's estate seems to have developed a bit of a hobbit problem, and my lord insists that I deal with them. He won't admit it, but I suspect that he still feels a little bad about accidentally clubbing that troop of boy scouts to death with a shovel.I have since taught him a handy rhyme to distinguish boy scouts from hobbits:If it's helpful and nice, you should look twiceBut if the feet are hairy, first whack and then buryStill, my master remains a bit shovel-shy, so I am left to deal with the matter. Filthy creatures, tearing up our garden and keeping my lord awake at night with their homoerotic pledges of loyalty to each other. I shall slay them all!Not that there's anything wrong with their being gay. I'm totally ok with their gayness. I hate all small mammals equally, regardless of their color or orientation.Bah! Enough of this talk of filthy halflings. On to the matter at hand. As you no doubt are aware, I am ...
More About: Hove

Books Etc.
2008-01-23 02:17:00
Apologies to Beth for the title of this post....Ok, I've upgraded Humor-Blogs.com from MySQL to SQL Server, and I think I've worked out most of the bugs. The commenting app on this site should be working now as well. Sorry if you had trouble posting a comment over the past few days, and sorrier if you're one of the people whose comments I accidentally deleted. Trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you.Let me know if you still have trouble posting a comment here, or if you experience any weirdness on Humor-Blogs.com. You can contact me by filling out the contact form on the H-B site or by emailing me at diesel - at - mattresspolice.com.In other news, I've finished a few more books on my list. Sort of.I read The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat: And Other Clinical Tales by Oliver Sacks suggested by Cindrarella of the famed Quill Driving Competition. I don't have the energy to write a full review (besides, my reviews of shitty books are way more entertaining), but it's ...
More About: Books

If the Associated Press Wrote Product Warnings
2008-01-22 05:58:00
Recently I came across a very disturbing news item on Yahoo. Here is a quote:"More and more foods bear a mishmash of warnings that they might accidentally contain ingredients that could seriously sicken people with food allergies. Yet there are signs that the labels are creating confusion among families that should heed them ? even as new testing shows there is a real, if probably small, chance that foods with even the most vaguely worded warnings truly pose a risk." - Food Label Warnings Seen as Confusing, Yahoo! (AP) NewsThank goodness we have the Associated Press to point out the dangers of unclear writing, eh? I mean, I think that's what they are pointing out. I read that paragraph six times and I'm still not entirely sure. Every time I think I've got a choke-hold on one of those sentences, it twitches and lurches in some wholly unexpected direction. Now if it was me, I'd write something like:You know those labels that you see all over food packages these days that war...
More About: Product , Nonsense , Wrote

It's Official: I Regret It
2008-01-18 20:09:00
Sadly, Sparrow's insult to my manhood took first place this week. Sparrow, you may display the prestigious In Your Face award:In second place was Brad's caption:All were in agreement that this was the weakest "Celebrity Jeopardy" in recent memory.And in third, Rickey Henderson with:"But, my fellow Americans, what differentiates me from my competitors is that, unlike Congressman Diesel, I can unhinge my jaw and swallow my prey whole."This was my most popular contest yet, with over 160 captions submitted! Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone for playing and/or voting.In other news, MySQL continues to screw with me. MySQL is an open source (read: free) database that I use for tracking the Humor-Blogs.com data and for my commenting application. Evidently it is straining under the weight of so much use, so it looks like I'm going to have to migrate to a Microsoft (read: expensive) solution. This morning I was greeted with an error message indicating that the table whe...
More About: Politics , Regret , Official

Save Journeyman!
2008-01-17 23:32:00
I just learned from Slippy Lane that NBC is planning to cancel Journeyman , which I find astounding. Evidently what we need more than an intelligently written and well acted show with compelling characters and original plot lines is American Gladiators and The Singing Bee. Give me a freaking break.If you haven't watched Journeyman, you should. It's not a flashy show with a lot of big names or explosions, but it's one of those shows where, ten minutes into the first episode, you think to yourself, "Wow, somebody's really put some thought into this." It's like a grittier, better written, less cheesy version of Quantum Leap, with Moon Bloodgood instead of Dean Stockwell. I think we can all agree that's a pretty big step up.Frankly, Journeyman is about the only new that I can even watch. The new Bionic Woman? Please. It's like Alias without Jennifer Garner. Casting Miguel Ferrer as the requisite surly father-figure is basically an admission that you've run out of ideas. ...
More About: Save

Mattress Police News Briefs #4
2008-01-16 19:16:00
This morning the following headline popped up on Yahoo:Castro says he's too unhealthy to speakI couldn't help but laugh at the poor sick bastard. I'm sorry, what was that you said? Something about being too wealthy to pee? Could you speak up a little?I delved a little deeper and found another article headlined "Castro looks frail, alert in new photos." I guess that beats looking robust but addled like Paula Abdul. I wish I could manage looking alert in photos. I always seem to look a little lost, like James Franco in Spider-Man 3. That's probably going to be my downfall in my presidential campaign: "Diesel looks sleepy, confused in new photos." Maybe I'm not torturing enough dissidents.I used to love writing headlines for my college newspaper. I enjoyed coming up with little puns and plays on words, like the time that a blood drive on campus was canceled and I wrote "Blood Drive Organized in Vain." Or when the college's board voted to divide the college and the semi...
More About: News , Movies , Police , Mattress , Briefs

Vote!
2008-01-15 17:04:00
Man, it's getting hard to pick these things. 160+ captions? Are you kidding me? I'm going to have to start holding runoff elections to pick the front-runners. Or maybe delegate the selection to some reliable group of people, like Iowa.Anyway, here are the finalists. Choose wisely.Rickey Henderson said..."But, my fellow Americans, what differentiates me from my competitors is that, unlike Congressman Diesel, I can unhinge my jaw and swallow my prey whole." rjlight said...Hillary: Deep and wide, deep and wide, there's a fountain flowing deep and wide. MrFab said... "Hillary, you ignorant slut!" Qelqoth said...During a press conference, Hilary Clinton launches a pre-emptive strike on Obama's street credibility by attempting to throw up some muthaf*ckin' gang signz. crazy aunt bea said...Diesel: Must. Stay. Awake. Brad said...All were in agreement that this was the weakest "Celebrity Jeopardy" in recent memory. Mark Jabo said...Hillary: ...I knew Ron Jeremy; Ron Jere...
More About: Politics , Vote

My Laptop Bluescreened While I Was Trying to Think of a Title
2008-01-11 19:39:00
So here's something you didn't know about me: I don't know jack about computers."Wait a minute," you say. "Aren't you, like, a computer programmer?"Ok, first of all, I'm a software developer. "Computer programmer" is a term left over from when computers were the size of a Greyhound bus and packed as much computing power as your curling iron. "Computer programmers" were people who huddled in a dark room feeding punchcards to a giant steel behemoth made of spinning dynamos and vacuum tubes. If they were lucky, the programmers might be able to get the computer to beep or calculate half of 6, but in general they considered it a good day if the computer didn't go on a killing rampage and eat them.Most people know that the first "bugs" in computers were literally bugs: Moths or whatever would get into the circuits and screw things up. Imagine how big a computer has to be for a moth to be able to get into the workings of the machine and cause 1 + 1 to intermittently equal 7. T...
More About: Movies , Technology , Books , Laptop , Science Fiction

Caption Contest: Hillary!
2008-01-11 17:18:00
I'm virtually guaranteed to regret this, but I thought I'd try something different today. You know the rules: Submit your captions in the comments, and I'll post a poll with the best ones on Tuesday.Have fun!Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Politics , Contest , Hillary , Caption

Thursday Shout-Out: HumorBlogging.com
2008-01-10 16:21:00
First of all, thanks to everybody who responded to yesterday's post and tried to assure me that I'm completely normal. That's total bullocks, of course, but thanks. I mean, we all have our remote-control-in-the-freezer moments, but trust me, I take absentmindedness to a whole new level.Oh, and to those who attributed my condition to (1) being male, (2) getting old, or (3) being overworked, I respond:(1) Then I must be way male.(2) I've actually gotten less scatterbrained as I've aged. Which isn't to say that I'm about to head down the other side of that hill, but trust me, I was even worse 20 years ago. I'm tempted to ask my mom to do a guest post to prove it.(3) ROFLMAO.In any case, the point of today's post was supposed to be to give a shout out to Fiar's new blog, Humor Blogging. Like the man says,The goal of the site is to create a resource for, and community of humor writers that wish to showcase their work, and learn to be better humor writers.I think his site i...
More About: Thursday , Shout

Where Was I?
2008-01-09 19:03:00
Newcomers to this blog may get the impression that I think I'm smarter than everybody else. For example, I've suggested that author Mark Halperin wrote his bestselling opus The Truth Machine "in seventh grade study hall." I've ridiculed parents who won't let their kids read Harry Potter, asking them whether there was "some kind of natural progression from J.K. Rowling fan to goat-worshiping cultist." I called my junior high teachers "smug, sorry-ass, close-minded, by-the-book pablum-spewing dullards." I've ridiculed fundamentalists for believing that "God invented photosynthesis before He created the sun."Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I am smarter than everybody else. Well, ok not Stephen Hawking, but then I could kick Stephen Hawking's ass in Ping-Pong. Generally speaking, for every person on earth, I'm either smarter than them or I could beat them at Ping-Pong. And in some cases, both.Although, come to think of it, how smart can Stephen Hawking be if he could...