Mattress Police - The Secret Files

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The Straight, the Narrow and the Raunchy
2007-02-10 06:19:01
He wore a checkered blazer. Not exactly gaudy, but not exactly stylish. His hair was gelled but slightly mussed. Overall, he gave the impression of a man who cared about his appearance but not enough to shower regularly. If this weren't 1993, I might have thought he was an aspiring metrosexual. If this weren't Grand Rapids, Michigan, I might have thought he was French.I did not, of course, assume that he was gay. In the early 90s political correctness ruled the day, and I had been taught that a slight build, an effeminate manner, odd clothing and a pronounced lisp did not constitute adequate evidence that one was homosexual. In fact, the rule at that time was that unless you actually saw someone performing a sexual act with another person of the same gender, you were to make no assumptions regarding their sexual orientation. And even then, you were really supposed to keep an open mind. And you certainly weren't allowed to assume that such an individual was some kind of sexual pre...
More About: The N , Stra , Straight , TRAI

Never Underestimate the Power of Humor-Blogs.com
2007-02-08 12:16:02
As I'm running low on material at the moment, I implore those of you in need of a humor fix to visit one of the fine representatives of the humor-blogs.com consortium.Soon the entire Interweb will be subject to the iron rule of humor-blogs.com. Once our conquest of cyberspace is complete, any humor-oriented blogs which do not bear our stamp will be crushed like Cheetos beneath our metaphorical boot.Join us now, while you still can.Mattress Tags: humor blogging blog directories
More About: Humor , Power , Blogs , Blog , Estima

Creature Comforts
2007-02-08 00:15:01
So if you've been around here a while you know about my odd children and their propensity for taping informational signs to objects around our house. Since I've got nothing else to post right now, I thought I'd treat you to another example.This one requires a bit of explanation. I tend to sit for long periods of time at our kitchen table, on a hard wooden chair. Since I don't have a lot of, er, natural padding, I usually put some kind of pillow on the chair. We have a stuffed cheetah that works nicely. Yes, I sit on a stuffed cheetah. Stay with me.Recently it was "pajama day" at my kids' school, which meant... well, hopefully I don't have to explain that part. In addition to wearing their pajamas, the kids were allowed to bring a stuffed animal to school. My 7 year old son chose to take the cheetah pillow. Thoughtfully, he replaced it with another pillow, evidently named "Wampy" (pronounced "wompy"). I can only assume it was named for its wamping properties.I found the followi...
More About: Forts , Fort , Creature Comforts , Creature , Comfort

The Adventures of Crash McFarlane in the Blogosphere
2007-02-07 00:14:01
Crash McFarlane hopped into his iPod, desperate to reach the blogosphere before dark.The iPod sputtered to life, creaking and shuddering as it soared above the docking station. McFarlane prayed that the batteries would last. If they gave out before he reached the outer blog ring, he?d be stranded in Bluetooth territory when the sporks came out.Once clear of the ebonic barrier, Crash set the iPod to shuffle to conserve energy. He sailed above the playstation, absently watching the kleenex bots meticulously detoxing the muffin-toppers and zine phishers. He wondered if he would ever come this way again.The bloggers had made it very clear that they wouldn?t hesitate to TiVo his beloved Wiki if he didn?t return with the emoticon before dusk. He reflected on the irony of the situation: he knew that the power to defeat the bloggers lay within the emoticon itself, but only Google knew how to use it, and only the bloggers knew how to reach the old man. There was no other solution: he ...
More About: Venture , Adventure , Sphere , Blog , Blogosphere

Snark, Snark, Snark, That's All I Ever Hear
2007-02-07 00:14:01
It's Tuesday, so I'm over at Central Snark again, bitching about why I didn't like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, among other things.I'll be back with a real post tonight. Promise.
More About: Hear , Hat , Ever , That

Take This, Bratz?!
2007-02-04 00:12:02
When I was a kid, little girls played with the likes of Holly Hobbie? and Strawberry Shortcake?. Today such wholesome characters have been replaced by edgier models. Dolls today -- or should I say "action figures," as in "G.I. Joe? went into town looking for some...." Anyway, dolls today need to have attitude. They need to be a little naughty and dangerous to interest the future skanks of the world. At the forefront of the revolution are the Brat z ? girls (or is that grrlz?), who bare their midriffs, sport gaudy jewelry and wear more makeup than Lon Chaney at a Gwen Stefani concert.Not to be outdone, Mattel has recently upped the ante with their latest line of Barbie? dolls. Coming soon to a Wal-Mart near you, it's:Crack Whore Barbie?!And no, this probably wasn't worth the amount of time I spent on it. In case you want to admire my mad photoshopping skeels, here's the original image.In other news, you may have noticed that I've killed the Dispatches. They will be returnin...
More About: Take , This

I Do Mind! I Do!
2007-02-04 00:12:02
The other night my family went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant, and the hostess asked if we minded being seated "in the back." The way she said "in the back" made me think that perhaps we would have to crawl through a drainage pipe to get there, but being the agreeable sort that I am, I reflexively said, "That's fine."I regretted it immediately. While we waited, I speculated as to what horrors would confront us "in the back." Would there be chairs? Tables? Exposed wiring hanging from rusted nails? Perhaps we would be expected to scavenge our own appetizers from the dumpster behind the meat-packing plant. I looked around for other diners headed for 'the back', anxious to form an alliance to ensure the safety of our guacamole supply."We should never have agreed to sit 'in the back,'" I said to my wife. "Now we have no one to blame but ourselves." There would be no point in complaining once we were back there."You say you don't mind," the waiter would snarl, be...
More About: Mind

Again with the Snarking?
2007-01-31 12:10:02
Yes, I'm at the Snark again, so head over there if you want to know why the Oscars suck.If you're visiting from the Snark, welcome! There are Go-Gurts and half a 2-liter bottle of flat root beer in the fridge. Stay as long as you want.And if you want to vote for me for Best New Weblog, you can't! But you can vote for our very own Anita Bath from Say No to Crack!
More About: With , Again , King

Harvard to Settle Question of God's Existence
2007-01-31 12:10:02
Officials at Harvard University today announced a bold experiment designed to settle once and for all the question of God 's existence.Recently Harvard has come under fire for rejecting a recommendation that all undergraduates be required to take a class in religion. Critics argue that religion is a fundamental aspect of what it means to be a human being, and that by allowing its students to avoid studying religion Harvard is producing graduates who are ignorant of one of the key psychological and sociological forces that has shaped human history.Now the university has released a statement that attempts to clear up the confusion regarding the policy. In the statement Dr. Harold Emmets, the Harvard Dean of Reason and Objectivity, states: "At Harvard we value the principles of Science and Reason. When we are faced with an unproven proposition that is believed by billions of people, it isn't our job to simply dismiss it outright. That would be a clear sign that we're being just ...
More About: Question , Quest , Settle

Congratulations on Your New Testicles!
2007-01-30 00:08:02
Congratulations! You've just purchased a pair of novelty testicles for your truck, SUV or other vehicle.With the purchase of this fine product you have joined the informal fraternity of novelty nutsack owners -- the three million men (and possibly women, although we doubt it) whose vehicles already bear the unmistakable mark of supreme manliness. Yes, you've joined our proud brotherhood at the peak of its popularity, and whatever your reason for waiting so long, we're glad to have you aboard.Frequently Asked Questions:Q: I hear people making remarks about "compensating for some shortcoming." What does that mean?A: These people are jealous. There is no documented evidence that novelty testicle owners suffer from any sort of physical inadequacy. In fact, during a recent door-to-door survey most novelty testicles owners reported having genitalia as large or larger than the national average.Q: Some people roll their eyes and/or shake their heads when they see my testicles. Why?...
More About: Your , Test , Tula , Ratu , Testicles

Shocking Truth Behind Dinosaur Hoax Revealed
2007-01-28 12:07:01
At first it seemed like a harmless joke: A 10 foot long model of a dinosaur which, despite being constructed entirely of dirt, was convincing enough to fool a veteran paleontologist who had twice won the Kenmore Silver Star Award for most microwaves sold over a 3 month period.Now, however, investigators have learned that the faux dinosaur was part of a sinister plot to wreak havoc on downtown Ripon, California. The mastermind behind the plot appears to be a local seven year old boy who has long eluded capture. Authorities would not release his name but have been referring to him as "Climber" because of his affinity for climbing trees and other tall objects. He was abetted in his schemes by his five year old sister, known only as Speed Pony. Investigators found the children's hideout after a lucky break: Their mother, a former runway model and nuclear physicist, was arrested on Wednesday on charges of hunting zombies without a license. Unable to face the prospect of incarcera...
More About: Truth , Shock , King , Hoax , Behind

You Think This is Funny?
2007-01-26 18:04:02
If you're like me, you're pretty tired of all the shameless traffic-building gimmicks that I employ on this blog to attract more readers. If you wanted to be bombarded by ads and other annoying crap, you'd be using MySpace, right? Right.So I'm working on a little side project that will hopefully allow me to continue to blatantly shill for this site and some of my other favorite humor blogs while maintaining the pristine snarky integrity of the Mattress Police. The project is a little something called humor-blogs.com.humor-blogs.com is sort of a running "best-of" collection from several funny blogs. The idea is for humor-blogs.com to be sort of a gateway site that acts as an introduction to these blogs. Initially these four blogs are participating:If you have a funny blog that you would like added to the humor-blogs.com sidebar, let me know by posting a comment here or emailing me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com. I'll be happy to include your blog; all I ask is that you ...
More About: Funny , Fun , This , Think

Signs and Wonders
2007-01-26 00:02:02
Just a note to let you know that yesterday I guest posted at Crummy Church Sign s , so if you want a quick fix of snarkiness, head over there. I tried my best to provide the same level of withering sarcasm that Joel does on a regular basis, but he's a tough act to follow. Seriously, I think Crummy Church Signs has the highest laugh:word count ratio of any site I've come across. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff these churches put on their signs. In other news, I'm probably going to discontinue the Dispatches in their current form. I think I'm going to try to implement some kind of "thought of the day" like Wolfe's Random Quote. By the way, if you ever wonder what I would blog about if I wasn't crippled by the inability to take anything seriously, head over to Wolfe's Musings. His blog pretty much reflects my thoughts on politics, current events, etc., but he's a little more in touch with reality than I am.Oh, and I'm hoping to make another Important Announcement v...
More About: Wonders , Wonder , Signs and Wonders

Bush Fiddles While Moon Deteriorates
2007-01-25 12:01:01
In a ritual that is becoming all too familiar, scientists have once again announced troubling news from outer space. Despite repeated assurances from the Bush administration regarding prospects for long term lunar stability, it appears that the moon continues to disintegrate."At this point there seems to be little we can do," said Hans VerHoeven, director of the non-profit Council on Lunar-American Relations. After millenia of being pounded by meteors, VerHoeven noted, the moon finally appears near total collapse. "Yet the Bush administration insists that we must 'stay the course' with regard to the moon," VerHoeven added. "It's insane."Terran ImperialismCritics on both sides of the aisle have roundly criticized the Bush plan to require the Moon to continue to orbit the Earth at its present distance and velocity. "Release Earth's grip on the moon NOW!" read signs at a recent protest march which inexplicably occurred at a Taco Bell outside Redding, California. Denouncing "T...
More About: While , Rates , Teri

If It's Tuesday I Must Be At the Snark
2007-01-23 23:59:02
...so head over there to read my thoughts on how the U.S. can retain its cinematic supremacy.I've decided to kill the Psych-Geist. It was kind of fun creating dummy posts to frustrate visitors looking for Playboy centerfolds and the USC Song Girl Ass, but the unruly bastards drank all my beer and left the place in a shambles. Also, it made me feel kind of dirty. Damn, here they come again.For those of you visiting from the Snark, skip over this lame post and read about my recent encounter with Zombies or Kenny Skywalker's pitiful attempts to secure gainful employment.Also feel free to catch up on my reading log at Central Booking. I've finished Fast Food Nation and I'm moving on to The Kite Runner. And it's not too late to suggest a book for me to read.Make sure you check back soon, as there is going to be some cool stuff going down with Crummy Church Signs and some of your other favorite funny bloggers.And tomorrow? Learn what the Bush administration doesn't want you t...
More About: Tuesday , Must

A Slurry of Monsters
2007-01-22 11:57:01
As my wife and I were walking through our almond orchard the other day, inspecting the trees for blight, rust and urban sprawl, I caught a glimpse of a distant gathering of undead creatures. At first I thought they were zombies, but they could have been ghouls. They're hard to tell apart at a distance.Our orchard was planted on top of an Indian burial ground, so it's not uncommon for us to see various flavors of undead roaming amongst the trees in search of human flesh and a place to whizz. Well, technically it isn't so much a burial ground as it is a casino that collapsed due to God's punishment on immorality and a lack of sufficient sheer support. Efforts were made to rescue the trapped gamblers, but when their relatives were informed that the chances of anyone getting out alive were a million to one, they decided to take their chances elsewhere.Anyway, now our orchard is plagued by the spirits and/or reanimated corpses of several hundred dead gamblers still trying to beat ...
More About: Monster , Monsters , Mons

I'm guessing that Anita will enjoy this post....My seven yea
2007-01-15 17:48:02
I'm guessing that Anita will enjoy this post....My seven year old son has taken to pasting helpful notes to objects around our house. The other day, for example, he felt that everyone should know that he and his five year old sister had named their bedroom door.A close-up of the note, in case you can't read it......indicating that the door's name is now evidently "Bingo." I didn't bother to ask for an explanation, because my children's answers to such questions tend to be unsatisfying. Why, I might ask, did my daughter christen our swimming pool "The Darkness of Woe?" She has no good answer for that, nor for why our cat is now "The Queen of All Swimming." I've found it's better to just accept these mysterious appellations without insisting on an explanation. Fortunately my son did not feel it was necessary to label the cat.Sometimes the notes are more instructional in nature. When I woke up Saturday morning, for instance, our pipes were frozen -- a fact I only ascertai...
More About: Post , Enjoy , Hat , This , Nita

If you're like most people, you probably can't imagine livin
2007-01-13 23:46:01
If you're like most people, you probably can't imagine living without me. The fact is, however, that one day I'm not going to be around any more, and you need to be prepared for it. Relax, I'm not planning anything; I just want you to be ready for my eventual demise. By which I mean, of course, that you should be prepared to immortalize me in some suitable way.I like the idea of an eternal flame, but I don't want that Bangles song ringing in my head for eternity. A bronze statue would be nice, but those things tend to turn green over time and I wouldn't want people to look at it and go, "Whoah, what's up with the giant emaciated Hulk?" There would be less confusion if I didn't insist on being sculpted wearing only a pair of torn purple trousers, but hey, that's the way I want to be remembered.Sure, for the first 50 years or so the locals would be like, "That's not the Hulk. That's Diesel. You know, the Mattress Police?" But eventually that generation would...
More About: People , Most , Like , Probably , Imagine

Before I became a parent, I was frequently amazed at the ove
2007-01-13 23:46:01
Before I became a parent, I was frequently amazed at the over-protectiveness of some people regarding their children. I don't mean parents who make their kids wear helmets while riding their bikes or solving a particularly difficult geometry problem; I'm talking about parents who won't let their kids read Harry Potter books or listen to music inspired by the devil. What, I thought to myself, are these parents afraid of exactly? Is there some kind of natural progression from J.K. Rowling fan to goat-worshiping cultist? Where does one turn in one's copy of Black Sabbath's Born Again for a black robe, ceremonial dagger and engram audit? Wait, that last one may be Scientology. I can't keep my evil religions straight any more. Anyway, you get the point. I just couldn't see how kids went from dabbling in occult-inspired media to being full-fledged Satan worshipers. Or hell, even half-fledged. Half-fledged Satan worshipers are almost worse in a way, because they've got a ...
More About: Maze , Amazed , Rent , Fore , The O

As you all know, I'm a traffic whore. I labor under the del
2007-01-13 23:46:01
As you all know, I'm a traffic whore. I labor under the delusion that if some day my readers outnumber the teachers who wrote on my report cards "Not meeting his potential," my desperate hunger for approval will at last be sated.To this end, I occasionally submit my site to blog directories. I don't think this generates much traffic for me, but I figure it can't hurt, unless the blog directory is called "Blogs That You Should Never Visit Because They Are Hella Lame." And even then, I'd probably submit mine, because how much damage could it really do?Judging by the number of blog directories out there, somebody must be starting a new blog directory every time a Starbucks opens. Or maybe every time somebody orders a Venti Carmel Macchiatto. I think at this point there are more blog directories than blogs, and since every man, woman and child alive has 12 blogs, that's a lot of blog directories.Anyway, the other day I ran across a blog directory that didn't list my blog, let...
More About: Traffic , Labor , Whore , Know , Under

In Superman Returns, the Man of Steel reappears on Earth aft
2007-01-13 23:46:01
In Super man Return s, the Man of Steel reappears on Earth after a mysterious five year absence, during which he supposedly searched in vain for remnants of his home world, Krypton. We are led to believe that he was unable to find anything left of Krypton, but I have learned from highly placed sources at Warner Brothers that this aspect of the film was actually altered drastically during editing to make it shorter and more palatable to viewers. I have gotten my hands on the original script of the movie, which details Superman 's trip to Krypton. An unedited excerpt appears below.EXT. KRYPTON CITY. DAY.Exotic buildings glitter in the ruddy glow of Krypton's red sun. A SPACE BUS marked "KRYPTON EXPRESS" lands at a SPACE BUS STOP. The doors open and several passengers wearing business suits exit. Among them is SUPERMAN, looking tired after a long journey. The bus takes off and the passengers disperse, leaving Superman standing alone at the bus stop with STEVE, a shabbily dressed ...
More About: Pear

This is Not a Post
2007-01-04 23:42:01
Today I'm guest posting over at Central Snark, so head over there for my recap of 2006's most disappointing movies. Hey, didn't you hear me? I'm not here. I'm over at Central Snark. Seriously, go away. There's nothing here about the Saddam execution. There's nothing here about Saddam at all, in fact. Saddam Hussein, I mean. That is what you're searching for, right? You want to see the Saddam video on Youtube. Or for those of you who can't spell, the "Sadam" video. Yes, this site would be a nice resource if it provided a link to the Saddam Hussein execution video. Not as much of a nice resource as Studivz, Jobster or Limewire, but a nice resource nonetheless. But I'm afraid there's nothing here about Saddam or even some less notorious dead people, such as James Brown or Gerald Ford. Yeah, you want to see a hanging and a funeral, but you're not going to get either. Nor is there anything about Britney Spears, Beyonce Knowles, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilt...
More About: Post , This

I Pity the Fool Who Tries to Feminize Me
2007-01-03 05:39:01
So I started out with the intention of giving a shout-out to this guy, because the powers that be at the church associated with the Christian school where my wife teaches recently cancelled his Modesto show because he encourages people to engage in unseemly behavior such as the public confession of sins. I'd post more of my thoughts about this, but one thing about retiring at 36 is that you're very dependent on your wife's health insurance. So I'll stick with ripping on Galactic Invertebrates. In any case, it would be a little hypocritical for me to suddenly proclaim myself a big Brad Stine fan, as my initial reaction to hearing that a "Christian comedian" was going to be performing at the church was to roll my eyes so far back in my head that I could actually see my brain thinking about how lame that sounded. I know, I know. I'm sure that there are super-duper funny comedians who are Christians, just like there are great writers and musicians and lawyers and...
More About: Mini , Fool , Pity , Trie

Make Diesel Read a Book - Update 4
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Despite the impending holidays and the recent string of coups at the Mattress Police, the Lamest Contest Ever soldiers on. I have just ticked off two more books on my list, simply by reading them. You wouldn't think it would be so easy to anger books, but they are a surprisingly temperamental lot. Check out my reading log to review my thoughts on Nessa's Happenstance and Mark Teague's Letters from Obedience School. I'm expecting a shipment of new reading material from Santazon tonight.In case you don't know, the Lamest Contest Ever works like this:You post an entry on your blog recommending a book for me to read. You link to my site in your post. You post a comment here letting me know about your post. I add your book to my reading list, with a link back to your blog. I read the book and post my thoughts about it on my reading log. That's it? You say. That's it, I say. That's lame, you say. That's why it's called the lamest contest ever, I say. I then add, Tr...
More About: Diesel , Book , Read , Update , Make

I'm a Homemaker!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
For those of you who don't believe I'm really building a house, here's some proof. Almost none of the photos have been doctored in any way. Click on the pic for a larger version.A view of our property from the street. That's the barn to the right and Opa's house to the left. Our house is way back behind Opa's house.Opa's house, from the driveway.Further down the driveway. Our house is behind the trampoline and the P.O.S. Ford.A closer look at our house. Our bedrooms are in the part that looks like a garage. Yes, that's a faux garage door. Convincing, no? That's why our cars are outside.The addition site.Front view. The left half is already built.First floor plan.2nd floor plan.Maddie "helping."Me and the boss.I included this one because of the UFO in the distance.
More About: Home , Maker , Make

Because One Blog Isn't Big Enough to Contain My Head
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Now that I've rested a bit from my ordeal and sated myself with rice krispy treats and Dr. Pepper, I can spare a few moments to tell you about some of the changes that have recently occurred here.First, I've created a new look for my blog. If you haven't noticed, get off your fricking Blackberry for crying out loud. Nobody thinks you're cool any more.Second, my blog has fractured into two separate blogs:The Secret Files of the Mattress Police - My main blog. Pretty much what you're used to seeing here, although I probably won't be updating quite as often. I'm thinking Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Matress Police Dispatches - This is where I'm going to stick short stuff that is either going to make you laugh hysterically or make you wish you had that 12 seconds of your life back. I confess to blatantly ripping off my mentor and hero Mr. Fabulous' Pointless Drivel/Pointless Directives dichotomy. Why am I doing this? Because when I post a long essay, I get the impres...
More About: Blog , Enough , Head , Cause

Anything Interesting Happen While I Was Out?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
So I suppose you all know by now that the recent tumult on this site was an elaborate ruse to prepare for the launch of a new design. This isn't to say that there aren't nefarious elements within the Mattress Police plotting my demise. The warring clans are, unfortunately, all too real. It was necessary to allow Troy and his compatriots to become overconfident so that they would overplay their hand. Once Troy had asserted control, I was able to covertly incite his enemies to execute a coup. Having overthrown Troy, this faction immediately devolved into squabbling about who would be the new Chief Inspector, whether they would get to wear a crown, how long the sceptre should be, and whether dental and vision would be included. Reasserting my supremacy as Chief Inspector and rolling out the new design (which has been languishing in the Design Committee for years) was a simple matter under such circumstances. Things did get a little dicey for a while there. When Tro...
More About: Interesting , Inter , Interest , Sting , Rest

How the Almond Farmer Saved Christmas
2007-01-02 17:38:02
During the 2005-06 crop year, more than $1.3 million worth of almonds were stolen from growers and shippers in the San Joaquin Valley. Truckload after truckload, thieves allegedly trespassed onto properties, cut fences and broke locks to get to the valuable nuts. Sheriff's deputies say thieves hot-wired several tractor-trailers around the Central Valley and were able to flee with almonds that were awaiting shipment overseas. California almond growers in 2004-05 produced $2.2 billion worth of almonds. Source: California Farm Bureau Federation The Thule fog whipped around Santa's sleigh, obscuring his vision of the ground below. "On Donner! On Blitzen! We're going to be late!" Not for the first time he cursed himself for letting Rudolph go. The old boy had been hitting the nog pretty hard lately, but his incandescent schnoz sure would have come in handy on a night like this. A loud crack and the howls of terrified reindeer broke the calm of the still winter ai...
More About: Christmas , Christ , Almond , Chris , Save

10 Things That Suck Less Than Working at Galactic Invertebra
2007-01-02 17:38:02
If I weren't retired, I'd be on my way to work at Galactic Invertebrates* right now rather than sitting at home watching my kids watch Dora the Explorer. I love the part where you have to say "Swiper no swiping!" to keep Swiper from swiping. Then when Dora says, "Gracias!", I say"De Nada, baby. I got your back!" Man, if I was 30 years younger....Anyway, it occurred to me that today would be a good day to post an IM conversation I had a few weeks back with a fellow ex-Galactic Invertebrates employee. You know her as "Not Karen," a pseudonym that cleverly hints that her real name could be virtually anything. We were chatting on a day that I took off from work to sign papers for refinancing my property, and we came up with the idea of listing all the horrible things we'd rather do than work at Galactic Invertebrates. The list was pretty funny, but I think the conversation about the list was even better.not karen: any new news?diesel: nopediesel: signing papers at 4:30diesel: ...
More About: Work , Hat , King , Things , Suck

Or Maybe "I See a Red Door and I Want It Painted Black"
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've been tagged with a Christmas meme by Poppy of Opiate of the Masses. I'm supposed to list what I got for Christmas, or didn't get, or wanted to get, or something. I'm not so good with following rules. It doesn't look like Poppy followed them precisely either, nor did the person who tagged her. So I'm figuring that by this point this meme is probably like one of those games of telephone where the first person says "There's another city under attack" and the last person hears "Things are going swimmingly in Iraq."Anyway, here's a list of things I got for Christmas. I may have embellished a few of them. If you feel like playing, consider yourself tagged.My daughter Maddie gave me a grocery bag full of all of the vegetables she hadn't eaten over the previous year. It smelled like cabbage and sneakers.My mentally challenged brother Phil gave me a comic book that he made by cutting pictures of people out of Sports Illustrated, Fangoria and Martha Stewart Living maga...
More About: Pain , Black , Maybe , Want , Door