Mattress Police - The Secret Files

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The Force is Middling in this One
2007-01-02 17:38:02
6/30/06Cam Cloudhammer, Director of Human Resources, Order of the JediDear Mr. Cloudhammer,As a recent graduate of the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences, I was excited to hear about the opening with the Jedi Knights for an entry level Force Technician I. I have long dreamed of joining the Jedi Order and I think I will be a valuable asset to your organization.As you can see from my enclosed resume, I graduated with a 3.2 GPA and I scored a 1242 on the Force Assessment Test. I did particularly well in Advanced Midi-Chlorianology and Pre-Imperial History. I believe I could have performed even better academically, but I worked my way through school recalibrating moisture vaporators. I think the combination of my rigorous coursework and practical experience will serve me well as a Force Technician I.I'm available for an interview on short notice on most weekdays. I know my resume probably isn't the most impressive you will receive, but I think you'll find that I'm "good Jedi mate...
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Housekeeping Post
2007-01-02 17:38:02
My shipment from Amazon finally arrived, so I've made some more progress on the Lamest Contest Ever. Read my thoughts on Hugh Laurie's The Gunseller at Central Booking.I'm struggling with the temptation to come out of retirement. Find out why at Mattress Police Dispatches.Due to some complaints about Blogger's word verification component not working properly, and even more complaints about it working properly, I have disabled word verification for commenting. I'm going to give this a try and see if the spam is manageable.That is all. Tune in tomorrow for some important end of the world year news. Tagus Intactus, Civitate Intactus.
More About: House , Post , Keep , Housekeeping , Ping

Is Anyone Here a Widgetologist?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
"I sell air."- Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal) in City SlickersSince my recent post regarding my retirement, many of you have asked what it is that Galactic Invertebrates does exactly. That's a lie. Nobody asked. Nobody cares what Galactic Invertebrates does. I don't even care, and I worked there for three years. You know what GI does? In a word, nothing. You know how most companies make widgets or widget holders or widget accessories or anti-widget cream? Well, those companies need someone to market those widgets and widget-related products, right? And they need somebody to ship them to far-away widget-deprived (or widget-infested, as the case may be) regions of the globe. And they need someone to assist them with meeting the federal guidelines for widget calibration, of course. In short, there is a lot more to widget-related product manufacture than just making the widget-related products. Unfortunately, GI doesn't do any of those things either. So what do the...
More About: Widget , Here , Anyone , Logi

Stick With Your Strengths, Even if Your Strength is Being a
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I didn't learn how to have a normal conversation until I was about 25. I'm pretty good at it now, but sarcasm will always be my first language.I sometimes forget how sarcastic I am until I give someone a compliment and they say something like, "Screw you, jerk!" Apparently I don't do sincerity very well.Still, I keep trying, in an effort to make something of my emotionally stunted personality. The other day I said to my wife, in an effort to express my admiration for her, "I don't think there's anyone quite like you." She said,"Hmm. I'm not sure if that's good or bad." And I responded with firm conviction, "Oh, it's good."I think I'm going to stick with sarcasm.By the way, I made the "motivational poster" at http://diy.despair.com/motivator.php.
More About: With , Your , Strengths , Bein , Stick

MOre bloggy goodies!!!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Hey Blog ging Buddies!Troy Van Dellen back again with more blogarificgoodies! I know how tired you all must be of all the sarcasm and whiningthat used to be all over this site, so I'm just going to post nice stuff.Like this little number! Its a dog whose said because the kitty is in hisbed!!!This one is a kitty sleeping on it's back!Well, that's enough for today.
More About: More , Good , Blogg , Goodies

Hi Everybody!!!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Heya folks!Sorry about that last post and the recent technical difficulties. We're doing a little house-cleaning, and you know what they say, you can't clean a house without breaking a few eggs!You'll be happy to hear that Diesel has been reassigned to another location. He wanted me to relay this message to you:Hello my blogging readers. I have decided of my own free will to stop being the Chief Inspector of the Mattress Police, because I have other dreams that I want to pursue, such as building a house and reading many interesting children's fantasy books in an undisclosed location. Please do not feel badly for me because I am not suffering very much pain at all. I have done lot's of "soul-searcing" recently and I think that I made a mistake when I decided to post many uninteresting stories about "pop music" and other things not furthering the goals of the Mattress Police. For that reason I am retiring to an undisclosed (painless) location and I want you to "put your hand's t...
More About: Body , Ever , Everybody

I understand Mattress Inspectors have a very short life expe
2007-01-02 17:38:02
You may have noticed the quantity and quality of my posts slipping recently. I know, we all go through dry patches, but this is more serious. Why? Because it's the Matt ress Police, that's why. The Mattress Police don't have "dry patches." They don't have down time. The Mattress Police are all-seeing, all-knowing, and always on. Why is this important? Because although you may not realize it, intact mattress tags are the lynchpin of society. A citizenry that feels free to remove its mattress tags soon moves on to torching Taco Bells, punching baby otters, and deciding to buy Fergie's CD before they've even seen the album cover. There is a reason that our motto is tagus intactus, civitate intactus. And it's not because I just made it up. When tags are removed, society becomes a mockery of its former self. And a poor mockery at that, like Joe Piscopo doing an impression of Bill Cosby doing one of his crazy rants against poor black people. It's so far removed from an ...
More About: Life , Have , Short

Make Diesel Read a Book -- UPDATE 3
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've added several more books to my list, including:The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay suggested by Lynda from Lynda's Great JourneyEragon by Christopher Paolini suggested by Kat from Kat's Random ThoughtsHappenstance by Vanessa V. Kilmer suggested by Nessa of The Chrysalis StageHaroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie suggested by Hayden of Lyric FlightThe Iliad and Odyssey by Homer suggested by Jennifer from Strangers Have the Best CandyDear Mrs LaRue - Letters from Obedience School by Mark Teague suggested by G from Simply SaidMore importantly, I've actually started reading. I've just updated my reading log with my thoughts thus far on Eragon.You can suggest a book by creating a blog entry on your site explaining why Diesel should read a particular book. Was that last sentence too confusing? It seems straightforward to me. You create a blog entry on your blog. You explain why I should read the book. You link to me. I read the book. Not complicated, right? O...
More About: Book , Read , Update , Make

Sock it to Me
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I pick my socks out in the dark. Wait, let me back up.I sleep in a garage. No, that's not it either. One more try.Four years ago my wife and I bought 10 acres of land just oustide a small California town named Ripon. We planned to build a 2400+ square foot house on it, but I didn't have the time or money to build it all at once. So we built half of it to start with. Unfortunately, it's the half without the bedrooms. Solution? LOTS of coffee. Not for the kids of course; we give them Mountain Dew and Pixie Stix. Who needs bedrooms? Our family hasn't slept in 9 months!Actually, we partitioned the garage into two bedrooms, one for the kids and one for the adults (that's my wife and myself). We're going to start on Phase 2 pretty soon, but for now we sleep in the garage. It's not as bad as it sounds. Other than the slightly sloped floor and the Buick Rendezvous next to the dresser, you'd never know that it was the garage. Oh, and the lighting isn't so great.So I p...

Housekeeping Post
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've got a lof of miscellaneous updates to make today.First, my brother-in-law's family is hanging in there. We had the funeral on Tuesday. Several hundred people came out, many from far across the U.S. and Canada. It was a fitting tribute to John. Most of the family who don't live in the area have gone back home now, and John's wife and three sons could use your prayers as things get back to "normal" for them.Second, I have made some more additions to my reading list:Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser suggested by Kat from MagicKatThe Truth Machine by James Halperin suggested by Neva of PuppyToesThe Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini suggested by Ann from At Home with AnnIf you want to suggest a book for me to read, check out the rules here.Third, I have posted some more thoughts on Eragon on my Reading Log. I'm almost halfway through....Fourth, a while back I mentioned that I was going to be quitting my job on December 8. I ended up taking several days off because of John'...
More About: House , Post , Keep , Housekeeping , Ping

That's Enough for Today... Hit the Showers!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I've been posting an awful lot lately, so I'm going to give y'all a break so you can catch up. Because unless you're a stalker like Gregory, you probably haven't even read my musings on the sexual subtext of Eragon yet.One more thing before I let you go: I'm thinking of starting a game that my fellow bloggers can play. The game is based on the premise that there are two types of blogs on my blogroll:Blogs that I like so much that I would link to them even if they don't link back to me.Blogs that I like, but probably not enough to keep linking to them if they didn't link back to me.The object of the game would be to remain ignorant of which type of blog yours is. Who wants to play?
More About: Show , Today , Hat , Enough , That

What Kind of Blogger Are You?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Ok, I'm probably pressing my luck posting this after yesterday's snarkfest, but what the hell.I've always wanted to make one of those "What kind of ________ are you" quizzes for people to put on their blogs, and I've finally done it! My results are below. Click on the graphic to try it yourself!
More About: Blogger , Blog , Hat , Logger

The Lark Never Expected to Become Famous Just for Being a Si
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I started this blog as a lark, sort of making fun of myself and bloggers and the whole idea of blogging. Now here I am, a real live blogger with a small following of devoted readers who actually take time out of their busy schedules of mowing lawns and removing monkey appendices to read this blog. I was reflecting on this the other day, and it made me wonder what other great accomplishments throughout history were the result of someone just saying, "What the hell, I've got some free time." I did some research on the Interweb and was surprised at what I discovered: Claude Monet: Was forced to paint water lillies without his glasses on because he lost a bet Michelangelo: Wanted to cover some water stains on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with pictures of "cool Bible dudes" Leonardo daVinci: Painted himself and fraternity buddies as Jesus and disciples at the Last Supper as a college prank James Joyce: Wrote Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man to mess with his 7th...
More About: Just , Famous , Expect , Come , Ever

Thursday Shout-Out: Apropos of Something
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Today's post is dedicated to an individual whose dreams are even more bizarre than mine, Jess of Apropos of Something . I have a love-hate relationship with people who might be funnier than me -- I love them right up to the point that they disappear in a mysterious boating accident. I hate it when that happens. Anyway, Jess' blog is definitely worth checking out. Frequent visitors to this blog will know that I have a tendency to dream about 70s sitcom characters. A recent post on his Jess' blog reminded me of a dream I had several years ago. At the time I was attending a church in Michigan which had the distinction of being the most liberal church in an extremely conservative denomination. It was pretty traditional really, except for the occasional weird thing like somebody doing an interpretive dance on Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians or something. Other than stuff like that, it was your typical white people sitting quietly and singing songs kind of...
More About: Methi , Thursday , Thing , Shout

Hey, Didn't You Just Do This One?
2007-01-02 17:38:02
Yeah, but I've got nothing else to post and I thought I could get some more mileage out of it. Now that we all know this is a joke, let's have some fun with it. If you're a blogger and you don't have anything better to post this weekend, go ahead and take my "quiz" by clicking on the graphic above and post the results on your blog. You can tell people it's a joke if you want, or just play it straight and say something like, "Wow, this quiz is uncanny."I've noticed a few people have posted it already, and I'm not completely sure they realize that there's only one possible result to the quiz. Or maybe they do, and they're just playing along. Either way, it's all good fun.Come on, it's not like you have anything better to do.
More About: Just , This

I Told You It Would Be Cool
2007-01-02 17:38:02
The Saturday Quiz has been pre-empted by something better this week.One of the happy side effects of having family from all over the civilized world and Canada out for John's funeral is that I got to meet several very cool members of my wife's extended family. Since the funeral I have been conversing by email with one of Julia's cousins, a guy named Andrew. I mentioned to him that I was something of a writer, and sent him a link to my blog. He mentioned that he was something of a musician, and sent me a link to a song that he wrote and performed.I think he wins.He swears to me that this really is him, but honestly if he had told me that "Man of Clay" was a Temple of the Dog bootleg, I would have had an easier time believing it. "Invitation" reminds me a little of Third Day or maybe Neil Young. The production quality isn't fantastic, but the songs themselves are amazing. Anyway, take a listen yourself and tell me what you think.Man of ClayInvitation
More About: Cool , Would , Told

Sorry You Feel Like Crap. Have Some Dog Hair!
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I could never be an alcoholic. I say this not to brag about my willpower, as I have little. My problem, in fact, is the opposite. I lack the discipline to force myself to drink all day.I used to be pretty good at getting drunk. In college I would go to a party and down six or seven beers in a couple of hours, and then pass out on a couch or small shrub. It helped that at the time I weighed about as much as Kate Moss at the nadir of the binge/purge cycle, but I attribute my ready inebriation primarily to youthful enthusiasm. In college, I had a single goal in mind: get wasted in as little time as possible. As I got older, I lost focus. It was no longer about just getting wasted; I became seduced by the allure of sleeping in my own bed and not vomiting into a strange man's dresser. When I finally gave in to the desire to avoid making an ass of myself, I could no longer maintain the drive I needed to drink three beers during an episode of Alf. By the time I started to actual...
More About: Crap , Hair , Have , Like , Feel

A Crude Proposal
2007-01-02 17:38:02
I know that y'all come here looking for a few cheap laughs, but today I have important work to do. This, being the last day of twenty-diggety-six, is the day that the world turns its lonely eyes to me to solve one of the big outstanding problems of 2006. Yes, every year on this date I write down the ten biggest unresolved problems of the outgoing year on small pieces of paper and throw them in a hat. Then I put the hat on my head and dance around the house in my bathrobe to the strains of Journey's Separate Ways until all of the scraps fall out except for one. The last remaining problem is the one that I will solve, for the benefit of mankind. This year's big problems include global warming, the cancellation of Arrested Development, and that popping sound that my sternum is making these days when I move too suddenly. Most of the rest of the problems are related to some trouble spot in the world, such as Darfur, Afghanistan, or I-580 between Pleasanton and Livermo...
More About: Proposal , Rude , Prop