Mattress Police - The Secret Files

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Does Not Compute
2008-05-12 21:20:00
At my first ?real? job, doing technical support for a software company, I worked with a guy who used to make all sorts of ill-thought-out claims. His claim to have invented a perpetual motion machine even made it into my book.One time this guy stated ? pretty much out of the blue, as I recall ? that he thought metaphors were pointless. He didn?t understand why people used metaphors rather than just coming out and saying what they meant.Now this is a stupid thing for anyone to say, but it?s particularly stupid for someone who works as a computer support technician. As confusing as technology can be, try explaining to someone how to save a document in a folder in Windows without using any metaphors (hint: you can?t use the words ?document,? ?folder,? or ?windows.?)The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that my co-worker was on to something. A big part of our job was to explain to people what was wrong with their computers, and this task is made much simpler when ...
More About: Technology , Work

Congrats (again), Brad!
2008-05-09 22:35:00
Well, Brad did it again. But if you think I'm making a 4x banner, you're kidding yourself. Maybe I'll start a caption contest hall of fame. Yeah, that sounds easier.I will send you a copy of my book if you want, Brad, though I think you might already have one. Maybe I'll send you one of Joel's books instead.Sue Wilkey came in second with:Now, Hulk, be a good boy and go put Arkansas back.And Poke came in third with an entry that makes me giggle every time I read it:I'm just a man, standing in front of a Hulk, asking it to love him.Thanks for playing, everybody. Have a great weekend. And don't forget to visit Humor-Blogs.com on your way out.Listed on humor-blogs.com.

Sock Drawer
2008-05-08 17:57:00
It must be about time for another sock drawer post. This is where I do some housecleaning of all the odd ideas that are cluttering up the corners of my mind. Enjoy.When I was a kid, there was a thing called "I.Q.", which measured one's intelligence. There was only one kind of intelligence, so everybody only got one number. These days there are a bunch of different kinds of intelligence. For example, there's emotional intelligence, spatial intelligence, musical intelligence, etc. Now I'm sure that this is a big step forward and all, but when is somebody going to get around to cataloging all of the varieties of stupidity? Because I count at least 38.In a similar vein, someone recently told me that when you get your picture taken for your passport, they ask you not to smile. The rationale is that it's easier to identify someone who isn't smiling, because there are a lot of different ways to smile. I guess that makes sense, but I don't think the bureaucrats counted on the...
More About: Drawer

Vote!
2008-05-07 02:28:00
Ok, folks, here are the top ten. I forgot to mention it when I posted the pic, but I will be giving away a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary to the winner. Vote wisely!And while you're in a voting mood, head over to Crummy Church Signs and vote for my comment. I'm not going to win, but if a few of you vote for me I will be spared the humiliation of coming in dead last.Also, would it kill you to click this link? I've fallen to number ten on my own blog directory. Talk about humiliating. I'm now officially below something called "Foundshit." Come on people, help me out here.The captions...Alice said...Sorry Hulk, but the frozen food gig's been filled.Brad said...Another eHarmony.com success story...Glacial Spain said...Big Green Guy - or Tiny Diesel? You be the judgeLonie Polony said..."Okay, I'll give you ten bucks for it, but that's my final offer. We're a scrap metal yard, not a charity."y not i said...Yes, yes. It's impressive that you can make a tank into th...

Saturday Morning in the Bedroom of Good and Evil
2008-05-05 16:48:00
ow the Red Vine was more tempting than any of the other candies which the parents had bought. And the Red Vine said to the girl, Yea, hath your parents said, Ye shall not eat of any candy in the pantry? And the girl said unto the Red Vine, We may eat of the candy in the pantry, but only after a healthy dinner and with parental approval. The parents have said, Ye shall not eat candy, neither shall ye touch it, before your mother and father get up on Saturday morning, lest ye die. And the Red Vine said unto the girl, Ye shall not surely die: For your parents know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the girl saw that the Red Vine was sugary and laced with artificial flavors and colors that were pleasant to the eyes and nose, and a candy to be desired to make one wise, she took of the Red Vine, and did eat, and gave also unto her brother with her; and he did eat. And they gorged themselves on Red Vines...
More About: Family , Morning , Evil , Bedroom

Caption Contest: The Hulk
2008-05-02 19:37:00
You have to feel a little bad for Ang Lee. He's a respected director who did his best to make a decent superhero movie. Sadly, no one told him that when you're making a movie called The Hulk , you shouldn't make the audience wait 40 minutes before they see the Hulk. Mrs. Diesel and I made the mistake of seeing The Hulk at a matinee; by the time the Hulk started doing interesting stuff like bounding through the desert and biting the heads off missiles and spitting them at helicopters, the theater had been overrun by middle-schoolers who were bored out of their minds after the seventeenth lingering shot of moss on a rock.So now they're pulling a Batman Begins and making another Hulk movie, pretending that the last one never happened. How do you think that makes Ang Lee feel? (And don't say, "anglee," because you wouldn't like him when he's anglee.) Even I Know What You Did Last Summer evidently warrants two sequels (the last one being called -- no joke -- I'll Always Know...
More About: Movies , Contest , Superheroes

Four Months in Pictures
2008-04-30 22:20:00
I haven?t posted any pics of my house or family lately, mostly because, well, I lost the little cable thingy that connects the camera to my computer. I still haven?t found it, but I bought a card reader from Best Buy, so now I can finally post some pics. I?ve got quite a backlog, so I thought I?d do a quick photo pictorial, catching you up on what?s been going on over the past few months.We went to Seaworld for Christmas. That?s a story in itself, but for now I?ll just post this pic that demonstrates once again that I have the most beautiful children on the planet. I know, you think your kids are cute, but my kids are like BAM! PYCHOW! They?re all up in your grill with their cuteness.We also went up into the mountains to play in the snow. This is what Mrs. Diesel and I look like a few minutes before I?m going to slam into her on a sled at thirty miles an hour and she doesn?t talk to me for the rest of the day.These photos prove nothing except that I?m the BEST UNCLE EVER.One t...
More About: Pictures , Family , Building , Months

Finally, a Post You Can Sink Your Teeth Into!
2008-04-28 21:09:00
One can learn a lot of interesting things working at Google.I was surprised to learn, for example, how easy it is to be turned into a werewolf.I am not at liberty to disclose the exact nature of the project I?m working on, but I don?t think that I?m spilling any state secrets by revealing to you that it?s related to lycanthropy. You might have guessed as much, yes?During the course of this project I?ve done a fair amount of research on werewolves. Most of the information I?ve come across is fairly banal: the werewolf?s vulnerability to silver, his aversion to bright light, his susceptibility to wolfsbane due to that plant?s origin as a weed that sprouted from a puddle of drool of the the demon dog Cerberus, etc.Now I know I've been a little out of touch lately, but I think I still know my readership well enough to place all of you into one of two classes: (1) Those of you who are interested in becoming a werewolf, and (2) Those of you who are interested in avoiding becoming a w...
More About: Post , Nonsense , Work , Teeth , Finally

Congrats, Joel!
2008-04-25 21:08:00
Crummy Joel took top honors this week. I think this is his third win, which ties him with Brad for most wins. Joel already has my book because he's a smart guy who know quality humor writing when he sees it, but maybe I'll send him another t-shirt. What? You didn't know there were Mattress Police t-shirts? I guess I should add that link back to my template.Here's your award, Joel.McCafferty Himself took second with:Diesel is crushed that Travolta avoids making eye contact the morning after their special night together.And newcomer EZ came in third:Double forehead and bad hair? With a package like that, she won't even notice!!Thanks for playing, everybody.I should have some time this weekend to fix all the crap that's been breaking around here and Humor-Blogs.com. And maybe, just maybe, even write an actual post or two.Have a great weekend.

Another lame post
2008-04-24 20:17:00
Sorry for being so lame this week. Between hackers, work and killing gophers, I haven't had much time to blog. I promise to do better next week.In the mean time, make sure you vote in the caption contest. Remember, the winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police.Check back tomorrow for the winners. Diesel out.
More About: Post , Lame

Vote!
2008-04-23 05:38:00
Ok, folks, here are the finalists. I just got home and I'm pretty freaking exhausted, so hopefully I don't wake up tomorrow morning and realize I picked 10 lame-ass captions.Although if the other choice is not waking up, then I guess I'd go with the first option.Did I mention I'm really tired?Saint Schizophrenia said...Diesel finds out exactly how seriously Scientologists take their zero-tolerance stance on anti-depressants.Jay said..."Hey guys! Heading to the Bob Marley concert?"stushie said...Twenty five years later, Travolta's Saturday Night Fever had mutated into an interplanetary epidemic.CrummyJoel said...Diesel would later realize that this was the least weird part of the Scientology recruitment tour.Brad said..."Tom! Kirstie! We got another one!"Pablo said...The aliens from the planet Lasiks made all who wear glasses into second class citizens. Diesel just liked the attention.McCafferty Himself said...Diesel is crushed that Travolta avoids making eye contact the mor...
More About: Vote

...and we're back
2008-04-22 06:39:00
Well, looks like things are working again. Never did get around to posting anything today. Things have been crazy. Since we had some technical difficulties, I'll give you until noon Pacific time tomorrow (Tuesday) to get your captions in. I'll post the poll some time after that.Diesel out.
More About: Back

Grrr...
2008-04-20 18:57:00
Sorry, folks. I thought I had fixed the problem, but the malicious frame code is still coming up. I had to take down the Humor-Blogs.com site and disable comments on this site. The problem isn't actually with my sites; it's with the servers my sites are hosted on. Evidently my hosting company forgot to install a few patches. They aren't telling me much, except that "this is a major issue that is a top priority" for them. Super.You can read more about the iFrame attack here.Rest assure that all the Humor-Blogs.com data is still there; nothing has been deleted. I've only taken the site down as a safeguard against infecting anybody with a virus. Hopefully it will be back up soon.If you have a caption for the caption contest, feel free to email it to me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com.

Caption Contest: Battlefield Earth
2008-04-18 23:13:00
Ok, I think I've gotten a handle on my recent technical difficulties. Apparently the Humor-Blogs.com site and this one were both hacked. The hacker put a bit of code in a hidden frame on the site that would make a call to another website, prompting you to download some sort of executable file, which was probably a virus.I have removed the malicious code on both sites and alerted my hosting company who, 5+ hours after my initial email this morning, still have not responded. Good show, guys!I will be posting a more detailed message on Humor-Blogs.com later today.So, with that out of the way, we can get on to the caption contest for this week. Since I've already done Iron Man and Batman Begins, I was a little short on material this week. Once again, I had to go back to one of the classics. This time I picked Battlefield Earth , the 2000 sci-fi epic starring John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker. That's me with them in the pic.You know how this works. Submit your captions in the ...
More About: Movies , Contest , Caption

Technical Difficulties
2008-04-18 18:04:00
I'm having some issues this morning.First, if you're using Internet Explorer, you may get a prompt on this site or on Humor-Blogs.com asking you if you want to install some Remote Data Services Data Control plug-in. Do NOT say yes. I don't know what that is or why it's trying to install itself. I'm looking into it and will give you more information when I can.Second, if you're using Firefox, you may notice that the background turns black partway down the page, making it difficult to read the black text. Not sure why this is happening either, or if it's related to the other issue. It looks fine when I preview the template in Blogger, but when I publish it, it goes all funky.I hope to be back in a few hours with an update. I've got a caption contest pic ready to go as soon as I get all this crap worked out.If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend:Stapling your tongue to a sheet of plywood
More About: Technical

38? But You Seem So Immature!
2008-04-16 20:03:00
In two weeks I?ll be thirty-eight years old.I like this age. You know what?s great about being almost thirty-eight? People stop expecting you to grow up. And you can stop pretending that you?re going to some day.When you?re thirty-eight and you interrupt a meeting at work with a five minute puppet show starring a Cat5 cable and a laptop power cable, people don?t shake their heads and mutter something to each other about how immature you are. They still think you?re immature, but they accept it. They look at your receding hairline and salt-and-pepper beard and realize that this isn?t the first impromptu puppet show you?ve put on starring office equipment ? and it most likely won?t be the last. They assume you know how inappropriate you?re being, and that bringing it to your attention isn?t going to change anything. In fact, now that I think about it, being in your late thirties is a lot like being retarded.In a sense, I?ve been waiting to be thirty-eight all my life. I?ve alw...
More About: Work , Immature

Why Do You Do It?
2008-04-14 20:27:00
It is understandable that many of you regard me with apprehension bordering on fear.My threatening countenance over there to the right, my merciless rants against the likes of Thomas Kinkade and my position as unquestioned despot of Humor-Blogs.com -- all of these factors contribute to the perception that I am a man not to be trifled with. Or with which not to trifle, if you prefer.Be assured, however, that I am not in fact a very intimidating person. I'm tall, yes, but I also have very slender wrists. That photo of me to the right may resemble Will Smith in Bad Boys 2, but that's mostly because, well, from the neck down it's Will Smith in Bad Boys 2. Truth be told, I'm not even really black.My rants are mostly for effect. I generally can't sustain that level of anger for more than about a minute and a half. I just don't have that kind of attention span. So while I've settled on Thomas Kinkade as a nemesis, he has little to fear from me. Remember when I was running fo...
More About: Blogging

Congrats, Kadi!
2008-04-11 20:42:00
There was a firestorm of controversy regarding this week's caption contest. Why does controversy always come in firestorms? Has there ever been a thunderstorm of controversy? A sandstorm of controversy?The controversy revolved, tornado-like, around the question of how much shameless self-promotion is appropriate when competing in this little contest. So let me clear this up, once and for all: If you win, you've done about the right amount.Kadi did about the right amount this week. Actually, she was fairly restrained this time around, which evidently got her the self-deprecation vote. Nicely played, Kadi! You win a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary. Send me your address and I'll get it in the mail to you.You also get the coveted In Your Face Award. Again.Bee took second place, with:Trimming my fingernails with your teeth shows your loyalty to the family.And the bitterest of good sports, stushie, took third:Your first task, Luigi, will be to shoot the James Caan dwar...

Blogger of Light(R)
2008-04-10 03:52:00
I?ve decided that I need a nemesis.A commenter recently suggested that His Excellency Lord Monkeyhands could be my nemesis, but I don?t know. It feels like settling to me. Monkeyhands isn?t up to being my Joker or Lex Luthor. Maybe if he, Human Inertia, Stoner, and three of my other worst bosses got together, they could be my Sinister Six, but that?s about as much credit as I?m willing to give them.A great nemesis can?t be an idiot; he has to be brilliant but twisted ? someone who has the power to accomplish great things, but uses that power only for his own demented ends. Someone like Darth Vader or Hans Gruber from Die Hard. Or Thomas Kinkade.Yes, you heard me right. I have selected as my nemesis Thomas Kinkade, the Painter of Light ®.If you?re not familiar with this ?artist,? he?s best known as the man who has produced essentially the same painting 8,436 times over the past 20 years. Kinkade-land is a place filled with cottages almost militantly cozy, a place where it has alw...
More About: Christianity , Rants , Blogger , Pop Culture

Vote!
2008-04-09 03:15:00
Sorry for the delay in getting this posted. Minor annoyances like work continue to get in the way of my all-important blogging duties. Remember, the winner gets a copy of Antisocial Commentary, so vote wisely!Bee said...Trimming my fingernails with your teeth shows your loyalty to the family.Jami said..."You're soaking in it."Avitable said...Unfortunately, Diesel misunderstood and made the man an auger he couldn't refuse.Wendy said...With the fifth goon that week stuck to his ring, Don Diesel reconsiders his choice of bling.Sparrow said...Don Diesel took great pleasure in this final humiliation of his arch-enemy, Lord Monkeyhands.Mark said..."No," said the Don. "That's not the ring I wanted you to kiss."renalfailure said...Your lips say "yes" but your scalp says "let's just be friends."Kadi said...No disrespect, Don, but if I am to be your right hand man... perhaps you should start wiping with your left.stushie said...Your first task, Luigi, will be to shoot the James Caan dwa...
More About: Movies , Vote

Your Brain (for Dummies)
2008-04-07 15:31:00
Congratulations on your selection of the Cerebronix Diesel 1000 Carbon-Based Brain ! The Diesel 1000 is a state of the art cerebral engine that takes advantage of the latest in organic brain technology. We think you?ll be glad you chose the Diesel 1000. Note that the Diesel 1000 is a high performance machine designed for a wide range of abstract thinking purposes. We do not recommend the Diesel 1000 for casual brain users. If you plan to use your brain primarily for mundane tasks such as doing geometry homework and remembering dentist appointments, we recommend exchanging your Diesel 1000 for something from our PracticalBrain line. You may also be interested in our Cerebroutine module, which allows your brain to easily focus on repetitive activities for hours at a time. The Diesel 1000 is not designed for such tasks, and using it in this way may void your warranty. Features The Diesel 1000 is designed for abstract thinking. Your brain can be used for all sorts of ...
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Caption Contest: The Godfather
2008-04-04 17:21:00
Finding little inspiration in the current crop of movies and TV shows, I have once again gone back to the classics for the caption contest.You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites, and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Since I still have a few copies of my book lying around, I will give a free copy of Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police to the winner.Have fun!Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Movies , Contest , The Godfather , Caption

Tag at Your Peril!
2008-04-02 16:43:00
Hail, carrion-in-waiting!I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and Meme-Wraith. I serve the dark lord Diesel in the capacity of dispatching troublesome memes from these premises.It has come to my attention that there has been some scurrilous talk since my last appearance on this blog. Rumor would have it that I have been 'sulking' in Diesel's barn, scrap-booking and listening to Foghat, afraid to show my face because of the lukewarm reception to my last post. Allow me to put these baseless lies to rest.Imagine, Grûndir the Implacable craving the affirmation of faceless blog readers! The notion is laughable. Mark this, blood-bags: Long after you have withered, fig-like in your graves, I will roam the land in my ceaseless quest to wipe memes and hobbits from the face of the earth.Yes, thousands of years from now the sages of a future age will pore over records of this era, tracing the origins of the great meme-slaughter, saying to one another, "Truly, Grûndir the Implacable was one b...

Morty, the Undead Lobster
2008-03-31 21:27:00
I'm still pretty busy with work, so all I can offer you today is this little anecdote from my youth. On the plus side, I think I've convinced Grundir to come out of hiding and fill in for me on Wednesday. I think he's up to something. Anyway, here's the story of Morty the undead lobster. Enjoy.For simple cheap entertainment, few activities can top messing with drunk people.I?ve never been a big drinker, and in college my smartass friends and I used to amuse ourselves by going to parties and talking over the heads of our inebriated fellows. I guess it made us feel superior, making fun of people to their faces without them realizing what we were doing. Kind of a stupid way to entertain yourself when it comes down to it, but at least you don?t end the evening puking in some stranger?s wastebasket.My all time favorite experience of garnering amusement at the expense of drunken partiers happened a few years back, when I went on a snorkeling trip with a college friend in Florida...
More About: Lobster , Anecdotes

Congrats to Renal Failure!
2008-03-28 17:05:00
Renal Failure wins this week, taking home the coveted In Your Face award:Seriously, stop coveting it, people. It's in the Bible.R.F. also gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. R.F., send me an email with your address so's I can ship it to you.Newcomer Avitable came in second, with:Diesel slowly works up the nerve to ask for the number of the Boleyn Brother.And Jay took third, with:Diesel: "Wait... Let me try one more time. Spock makes this look so easy."Good job, people. Take the rest of the week off, starting at 5pm today.I'll be back on Monday with a brand new post that probably won't be good enough to make up for what a crappy job I've done this week.Humor-blogs.com is up to its chin in neck.
More About: Movies

Pandora's Box
2008-03-26 21:38:00
As a compromise between listening to the same songs in my iTunes library over and over and hearing the Daughtry song of the moment sixteen times a day on the local radio station, lately I've been spending a lot of time on Pandora.Pandora is a sort of customizable radio station that plays songs based on your personal preferences. For example, I told it that I like My Chemical Romance and Pearl Jam, so it assumes that I also enjoy Green Day -- a completely understandable, and entirely erroneous assumption.You tell Pandora what you like with a simple thumbs up/thumbs down control, which isn't the most precise system. You can give a thumbs up to Def Leppard's "Armageddon It" and give a thumbs down to Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll," but there's no way to say, "Yeah, this Counting Crows song is ok, but I don't really need to hear any more in the next 3 hours."The other problem is that Pandora only allows you to skip so many songs. That means you have to use your skips wisel...
More About: Music

Vote!
2008-03-26 00:15:00
If I keep posting later and later in the day, eventually I'll be posting really early the next day, so you have that to look forward to.The picture kind of sucked this week too. Usually I do the picture the day before, so that I can look at it fresh before posting it. That gives me a chance to catch things that don't look quite right, like my complete lack of a neck. I was too rushed to do it right this time, but hey, that gave you one more thing to make fun of me for.Mrs. Diesel picked the finalists this week, so at least you can't blame me for that.And remember, this week the winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, just for funsies. So that should make up for me being such a lame-ass, right? Right.Vote for your favorite below. I'll post the winner on Friday.Fold My Laundry Please said...Diesel laments the fact that Natalie could not afford to have shoulders sewn onher dress.renalfailure said...Diesel caresses that which he has always desired: an actual neck...
More About: Movies

This Should Only Take a Minute
2008-03-25 06:11:00
So I'm nearing a major deadline at work, and I can tell my boss is concerned that I'm going to be stressed out and working long hours this week. We were talking about another upcoming project, and I mentioned that I thought I would be able to handle it on top of what I already had scheduled. She kind of laughed, and I said, "Yeah, I have no sense of my own limitations.""Not when it comes to time estimates," she said.It's true, I don't. Everything takes more time than I expect it to. It's a weird sort of cognitive deficiency I have.It doesn't seem to help that I'm aware of the problem either. Even when I try to account for my unrealistic expectations by inflating my time estimate, the actual time still ends up being double what I estimated.One of the ramifications of this failing is that I tend to take on way too many projects at a time. Right now, for example, in addition to maintaining this blog, Humor-Blogs.com and my job, I'm building a house, writing a novel and wo...
More About: Minute

Caption Contest: The Other Boleyn Girl
2008-03-21 23:00:00
I finally settled on The Other Boleyn Girl for this week's caption contest. Sorry for taking so long; my car continues to make my life interesting.I haven't seen the movie, but I thought this made a pretty good picture.A little twist this week, to keep things interesting: I'm going to give the winner a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. If the person who wins already has a copy, I'll come up with something else. Maybe a plastic bag of dryer lint.Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Have fun, and good luck!Listed on humor-blogs.com.
More About: Movies , Contest , The Other Boleyn Girl

Worst Boss Ever
2008-03-21 00:12:00
Sorry for the delay in posting today; it's been another crazy day. I promised you the story of the worst boss I've ever had, so here it is. I'll warn you that it's a little long, and not so much funny as sad. There's no happy ending, except for the fact that I don't work for the ass-hat any more. Unfortunately, people don't always get what they deserve. Sometimes you just have to be content with the knowledge that stupidity is its own punishment.In September of 2002, I took a job as the webmaster for the government of a nearby city. My boss, the head of the city?s IT department, was a pony-tailed, marginally competent sad-sack, the kind of guy who spent his life trying to live up to his memories of Woodstock, even though he was only in 3rd grade at the time. Stoner, as I?ll call him, was the worst boss I?ve ever had. The day I started, I set out (with Stoner?s blessing) to radically revamp the city?s website. I met with various city managers and other key emplo...
More About: Work , Boss , Jerks