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Nothin' But Owls
2011-05-19 08:00:00
Owls, owls, owls! Here at Nothin' But Owls, we take owls seriously. We know that your style and your LIFEstyle demand the latest and the most stylish owl-cessories. Are you one of the people afraid that owls are on their way out? Have no fear. We're here to tell you, owls are just gettin' started. Do you think owls are getting too mainstream? Too pass?? Then try this on for size: for every item you purchase at Nothin' But Owls, we'll donate a dollar, one American dollar, to the Save CBGB's campaign. Now, does that sound mainstream? We didn't think so. Here at Nothin' But Owls, we love being on the cutting edge as much as you do. That's why we've done the work of finding a new way to bring you owls. Tired of the same old owl t-shirts and owl-mugs? Do you need your owl fix but have too many candleholders? We've got something new, just for you. That's right, ladies: we are the sole distributor of OwlSan brand feminine hygiene products. And if you prefer a more eco-fr...

Dear Ryan,
2011-05-18 08:02:00
Dear Ryan, I just have to put my feelings down on paper.  After all we've been through together for these past 3 weeks, I just can't stand saying goodbye the way we said goodbye.  We just have too much history together, and I'm heartbroken. Remember when we first met?  The limo dropped me off in front of the mansion, and there you were waiting for me.  The television floodlights were causing us both to sweat like crazy, and the producers were barking orders at us about where to stand and how to look at each other, sure - but I could tell there was something special about what we shared in those 12 seconds before I was whisked away and another girl was ushered onto the set.  Then later that evening I enjoyed some of the most magical 13 minutes of my life.  The green screen behind us was the perfect backdrop for me to sing the song I composed for you a few weeks ago, before we'd ever even met.  Then the 46-second conversation we shared sh...

When animals attack
2011-05-17 08:00:00
With summer approaching, many of us will be spending more time in the great outdoors, where there is always the possibility of encountering wild animals. While wild animals can be frightening, usually there is very little danger if you remember to respond to these encounters appropriately. Here are some guidelines for dealing with wild animals you may encounter. Bear Stand your ground. Wave your arms above your head and make as much noise as you can. If the bear charges, do not run. You cannot outrun a bear. Lie on the ground and be very still. Usually a bear will not attack if it senses you are not a threat. Mountain Lion Do not turn your back on the animal or try to run away. Make and hold eye contact with the lion, as prolonged eye-contact is a sign of dominance. Try to appear larger, in any way possible. Wave your arms and make noise. Alligator If you are on land, run away. Alligators will rarely pursue prey over land. If you are in the water, try to get to land. If you ca...
More About: Animals

It's not really THAT hard out here for a pimp.
2011-05-16 08:00:00
A common misconception, admittedly one that is propagated mostly by rap music and awards shows, is that it's hard being a pimp. Well, I'm here to tell you, from personal experience, that it's simply not that hard. Sure, sometimes I find it difficult getting into my car with this big hat, but it's stylish.  I've had many a job in my day. Some might even call me a "Jack of all trades." And I'm the first to say that pimping is by far one of the easiest positions I've held.Jobs Hard er than Being a Pimp :Construction WorkerDon't even get me started on this. Every day, you're out there, moving heavy things. This guy I used to work with, Gerry? He broke his leg when some bricks fell on him. Don't tell me that's harder than being a pimp. I carry a cane because it looks good. Gerry? He can't walk without one.Hydraulic EngineerDesigning dams is hard, and not just because of all the math. It's a lot of work, a lot of thinking, and ultimately long hours spent to build something...

"Serious Inquiries Only"
2011-05-12 08:00:00
An open letter to all users of Craigslist: Do you know how hard it is to be a clown these days?  Well, it's even harder to be a sad clown.  Sure there's a small niche market for "Sad Clowns", but when your name is "Sparky" your clients expect a certain amount of gleeful exuberance.  Well, Craigslist is making me one very sad clown these days.  All I want to do is purchase a cheap vacuum cleaner, and everyone on Craigslist expects "Serious Inquiries Only".  As you might expect, this makes it difficult for me. Look, even during good economic times it's not like I can waltz into Sears and drop six bills on a brand new Dyson.  I'm lucky if I can afford the gas to put in my VW Beetle (Though I don't think it would kill the 23 other clowns I carpool with to chip in every now and then.)   But I digress.  My point is that a person in my financial position relies on Craigslist and its bargain prices to make important purchases.  A...

How to Meditate, For Realz
2011-05-11 08:00:00
Meditation is a wonderful way to clear the mind, and its spiritual, psychological and physiological benefits have been well-documented. There are many schools of meditation, and courses abound that teach the nuts and bolts of the practice, which is essentially very simple: quiet sitting, good posture, breath in, breath out. But is it really that simple?No. Not even close.The meditation teachers of the world don't tell you the real secrets about meditation and how to do it effectively. Why? Do they want all of the spiritual glory for themselves? Maybe. Maybe they do. Who knows? But fuck them. You're about to learn everything they don't want you to know. BOO-ya, gurus.Step One: Question Your MotivesYou don't just sit down and start fucking meditating. Who do you think you are, the Dalai Lama? Get into the bathroom and stare into the mirror. What do you want out of this? Peace of mind? To connect with the underlying order and divinity in our universe? Or do you want to develop magi...

A Letter to Last.fm Regarding My Preference Not to Hear Any More Selections
2011-05-10 08:00:00
Dear Last.fm, I don't have to tell you how much I've grown to love your free online music service. After months of conscientiously clicking the LOVE icon, clicking the BAN TRACK icon, and sitting through songs like Honeymoon Suite's "Other Side of Midnight," doing by best to honestly assess whether the track in question enhances or degrades my library, my personal station now reflects my personal tastes with eerie precision. Alternating effortlessly between Night Ranger, Jane's Addiction and Taproot, you provide an almost perfect soundtrack to my day. Sure, we went through a few rough patches, like that time you thought I wanted to hear bands whose vocals sounded like the shrieks of cave trolls being flayed alive, and the time you thought I wanted to listen to songs by Kajagoogoo other than "Too Shy." And the time you thought I wanted to listen to Kajagoogoo's "Too Shy." But we've gotten past all that, and now you play a wide variety of music that I actually enjoy listening ...
More About: Letter , Hear

I see nothing wrong with spreading me around
2011-05-09 08:00:00
"Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about meWhy don't they just let me live?I don't need permission; make my own decisions.That's my prerogative"- Bobby Brown, My Prerogative, 1988Dear Valued Member of Media Covering the Entertainment Industry, My name is Alicia Etheridge, and I am the wife and publicist for 80's pop icon Bobby Brown. I've included above some sample lyrics from Mr. Brown's smash 1988 hit, entitled My Prerogative.   Now one might certainly interpret that back in 1988 Mr. Brown was craving the complete lack of media coverage that is currently being afforded him.   Allow me to clarify Mr. Brown's stance and the meaning behind the first two lines of his song:  The message that Mr. Brown was intending to send was that the negative attention coming his way was unwanted.  It appears that it only took popular media 20 years to figure out that he didn't appreciate all of the negative coverage.  Surely now that the negat...
More About: Wrong

I am not celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden. I'm not.
2011-05-05 08:00:00
I am not celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden . Yes, I am happy that he's dead, but I will not celebrate the death of another human being, even a vicious, murdering psychopath. In fact, "happy" isn't really the right word. I'm relieved he's dead. No, not relieved, as if he were a beloved uncle who has gone to a better place after a long illness. I'm more like? well, not gratified, exactly. I can't be gratified at the death of a fellow human being. Not even a butchering madman who stretches the definition of humanity. I'm not sure what the right word is for what I'm feeling. Not comforted, surely. There's cold comfort in the violent death of a fellow human being, even a complete fucking asstard like Osama Bin Laden. Mollified? No. Appeased? No, that's no good either. I guess what I'm saying is that while I am pleased that justice has been done, the fact is that trading death for death can never? Shit. Pleased? What the hell is that? I'm pleased that justice has been...
More About: Death

One Day in the Life of The Born Loser
2011-05-04 08:00:00
If you're like me and 86 million other Americans, you can't get enough of the daily comic strip The Born Loser . If you're not familiar with this paragon of comic craftsmanship, let me take a moment to educate you. The Born Loser tells the story of a typical working man, named "Brutus P. Thornapple," the titular "Born Loser." Thornapple simply can't catch a break, whether it's at the office with his overbearing boss Veeblefester (LOVE that name!) or at home with his dumpy wife, Gladys and idiot son, Wilberforce. Here are some of my favorite The Born Losers:   I like this one because it makes you think. I like this one because it has a clever play on words. I like this one because it toys with my expectations. It's hard to say what I like best about The Born Loser. Is it the timeless (not to say stereotypical!) characters? The attractively drawn characters? The way the artist re-uses the same frame three times in almost every strip, never wasting a single stroke o...
More About: Life

Rethinking Our "Meat Before Pudding" Policy
2011-05-03 08:00:00
Address to the students of Islington Green Boarding School, London, England by Headmaster Richard G. Clayworth April 25, 2011 Dearest Students, I stand before you today a changed man, and I trust you'll believe me when I say that things at our lovely little school will never be the same again. I have recently returned from an inspirational conference entitled The Whole Child: Positive Teaching Techniques for the 21st Century And Beyond, and we are here today so I can outline some of the changes that you will notice at school, based on what I learned at the conference.  Yes, you heard correctly:  learned.  Even your teachers and headmasters can learn new things, children.  First things first:  Our "Meat Before Pudding" policy is, as of this moment, officially off the books.  I realized at this conference that the eternal question of "How can you eat your pudding if you don't eat your meat?" has no good answer.  Those signs are being rem...
More About: Policy

Teen Vogue's Guide to Summer Jobs
2011-05-02 08:00:00
Alright gang, it's that time of year again. The weather is getting nicer, Memorial Day is coming up, finals are right around the corner. Summer vacation is so close you can practically taste it! Now, before you get too excited, take a moment to remember last summer. Sitting around your parents' basement, wishing you could go hang out with your friends. They all went to the movies, but you couldn't go because you didn't have any money! We know it sucks to spend anywhere from 20 to 40 hours of your week at work, listening to some jerk tell you what to do. We totes get it. Now, your friends will probably have jobs as sweatshirt folders at Old Navy or popcorn sweepers at your local movie theatre. Those jobs are okay, but there are way cooler gigs out there, and we at Teen Vogue are here to help. Here's a handful of jobs that both pay well and kick ass! Texas Rangers left fielder Since Josh Hamilton went on the 60-day disabled list with a broken arm, now is the perfect time to app...
More About: Jobs , Guide

Bad Medicine: The Tragic Story of Disease Rock: 1974-1988
2011-04-28 08:00:00
Every generation's music reflects the unique struggles that it faced. Slavery and sharecropping gave us the Negro Spiritual; the plight of the urban poor gave us the blues; and Vietnam gave us Freedom Rock , to name just a few examples. Overlooked until now, however, is the sub-genre of rock music that arose from the frustration of the youth of the 70s and 80s in their attempts to get access to quality health care. A new book by Dr. Saul Smeckler is aimed at changing that. In Bad Medicine : The Tragic Story of Disease Rock: 1974-1988, Smeckler argues that many rock songs of this era were literal cries for help. Rock musicians who were just starting out tended to be poor, spent a lot of time on the road, and were part of a "macho rock star culture that discouraged visiting free clinics," says Dr. Smeckler. Five chapters of Bad Medicine are devoted to the lead singer of Foreigner, Lou Gramm. In 1977, Gramm began experiencing frequent chills, as indicated by the song "Cold as Ic...

Notes on the Buckner and Garcia 2012 30th Anniversary Reunion Tour
2011-04-27 08:00:00
Jerry, Gary - hey guys. Just took a look at your ideas for the upcoming tour. First of all, we at the agency are all really glad that you put your differences aside for this project. I mean, I know you guys had a lot of fights after the success of "Pac Man Fever." Money, women, drugs - it happens to just about every novelty band. You may recall I managed Barnes and Barnes before I picked you guys up. To this day they refuse to bury the hatchet and go on tour again. We were this close - this close! - to the "Fish Heads: 2009 Tour ." Now, I know you're excited to play some new music - and we're all excited to hear it - but before we hit the road, I just wanted to go over a few notes. First, and I know this is probably pretty obvious, you're gonna want to play "Pac Man Fever." Probably as your closer, but hey - you're the experts, right? Of course, y'know, for the fans, you should play some other cuts from the early albums. Who doesn't love "Ode to a Centipede?" I know ...
More About: Anniversary , Notes

An Apology For The Events of March 17th 2011
2011-04-26 08:00:00
To the owners and patrons of O'Flannigan's pub, Though we all understand that St. Patrick's day is one of the few days on the calendar where the American populace is given carte blanche to get shitfaced and generally act like a bucket of retards; I feel that I may have taken things a bit too far. I was hoping that a little time and an apology might clear the air and put us back on better footing. In that vein I am so very sorry for the following things: Dodge Darts Darts suck. There, I said it. All I was trying to do was spice up everyone's night. In retrospect I probably should have informed everyone else that we were playing dodge darts. My bad. Mistaking that Mickey's malt liquor display stand for a leprechaunI realize now that it was only the cardboard cut out of a leprechaun, provided by the fine folks at Mickey's Malt Liquor, for advertising and promotional purposes; but at the time it seemed perfectly logical to find a leprechaun in an Irish bar on St. Patrick's day...
More About: Events , March

The Escalating Badassery of D.B. Sweeney
2011-04-25 08:00:00
Of all the disturbing trends we've seen developing over the past few decades - from global warming to the decimation of the rain forests - probably none is quite as unsettling as the gradual but seemingly inexorable escalation of the level of badassery of  characters portrayed by actor D.B. Sweeney. Who among us, based on Sweeney's innocuous debut in the 1985 TV movie Out of the Darkness*, could have foreseen his role as the badass head honcho of a private security firm in Jericho? Or as the badass head honcho of a private security firm in 24? Or, for that matter, the mysterious enforcer in The Event known only as Carter?** When did D.B. Sweeney morph from Hard Luck Everyman to Glock-Toting Badass? Some will argue that the signs of badassery were evident as early as Gardens of Stone (1987), in which Sweeney played duty-bound marine Jackie Willow; or Memphis Belle (1990), in which he played the navigator of a World War II bomber. And yet his roles in these films were pri...

Unheralded Benefits of the United States Space Program
2011-04-22 08:00:00
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been asked to speak to you today regarding the civilian benefits of the space program. Before considering any changes to the funding level of NASA, I urge you to carefully consider some of the many benefits that have directly resulted from the space program. Tang. Teflon. Velcro. What do these items have in common? They were all used by astronauts in the United States space program. Did we invent them? Not exactly. But we used these products in ways that no one had ever imagined. Before the space program, no one had ever used Velcro to allow astronauts to walk on the ceiling of a spaceship. Before the space program, no one had ever used Teflon to keep astronauts from sticking to the floor of a spaceship. And no one had ever eaten a mixture of Tang and astronaut blood for space breakfast before Neil Armstrong caught the space madness and killed Steve, the fourth Apollo crew member. And while we didn't invent cordless power tools, we did pioneer their...
More About: Space , Program

You Can?t See Me Because I?m Wearing CAMOUFLAGE!
2011-04-21 08:00:00
Hey!  I'll bet you can't tell where this voice is coming from?do you know why?  Because I'm wearing this camouflage life jacket that the canoeing guide gave me!  And since I'm wearing camouflage, you can't see me! Heh heh?I'm just kidding.  I know you really can see me.  But it's funny if I pretend that you can't see me simply because of this camouflage life jacket.  Then we can all laugh, time and time again, when I make reference to the fact that you can't see me.  Except that you really can see me! I can use this camouflage life jacket as an excuse to say things that I wouldn't normally say.  I can make mean jokes about people, but then pretend the joke's really on me because I'm saying these things thinking that you can't see me when you really can see me.  There are many layers of humor there, and it gets funnier with every layer.  First, we can laugh because I'm making fun of Kathy's weight (for example). ...

My Final Post
2010-11-24 00:36:00
Some of you may have noticed that I haven't done a lot of substantive posts here for a while. When I announced a few months ago that I was "back," I knew I was never going to match the posting pace I set in the heyday of this blog, but I figured I could crank out a decent post once a week or so. Turns out I was wrong. I just don't have the blogging bug any more.That isn't exactly true: I still have a big mouth and plenty of opinions, but I just don't feel comfortable using this blog for anything serious. Mattress Police was always about hyperbole, nonsense and humor, and I don't want to mess that up. So I am going to be starting a new blog at RobertKroese.com (it's not set up yet; give me a couple of weeks), and I'm going to do a bit of a redesign on Mattress Police so that it's a little easier to find my better posts. Basically Mattress Police will become a showcase of the best humorous posts I've done over the past four years, and any new material will be posted at Robert...
More About: Post , Final

Some MF'ing Stragglers... and Kindle Gifting!
2010-11-19 10:33:00
A few dilatory participants in the MF'ing Blog Tour:View from the CloudSwordReaverAlso, I wanted to let you know about some seriously exciting news: you can now give Kindle books as gifts! If, for example, you know of a hilarious book about the adventures of a rogue angel on the brink of the Apocalypse that is currently the #1 Science Fiction/Fantasy book on Kindle, you can now give that book to all your friends and family members who have Kindles!No pressure.

The MF'ing Blog Tour Finale
2010-11-16 14:02:00
Time to wrap up the MF'ing blog tour. Thanks to everyone who participated! The final participants are: I'll Have What She's Having (Elisa Lorello) SciFi Guy Words, Words, Words Renal Failure Because of your support, Mercury Falls was the number one science fiction book on Amazon for several days! Right now it's still the #1 sci-fi book on Kindle, and it's in 4th place in the overall sci-fi rankings (curse you, Lego Brickmaster!). Guess I'd better get cracking on Mercury Rises....
More About: Blog , Tour , Finale

Help the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation Defeat SMA!
2010-11-09 10:08:00
Short version: I'm doing another charity sale. This time it's to benefit the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation , which raises awareness and supports research to find a cure for Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA), the number one genetic killer of children. If that sounds like a good cause to you, buy Mercury Falls for Kindle. The higher Mercury Falls climbs in the Kindle Store rankings, the bigger the donation to GSF. Details here.Holding out for a signed hard copy of Mercury Falls? Check back in a few days!

What? The MF'ing Blog Tour is Still Going?!
2010-11-05 18:16:00
Will it EVER END? Yes, but not yet.Thanks to these bloggers for their support of Mercury Falls!Mooselet MusingsUnfinished PersonPJs Til NoonCome back on Tuesday for an EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!
More About: Blog , Tour

More MF'ing Blog Tour Participants
2010-11-02 09:06:00
Please go check out these superfantastic bloggers:The Rain in Spain... (Erotic fiction featuring yours truly!)Nicklaus Louis (Q & A)Harley May Writes (She's giving away a copy of Mercury Falls!)Caution: Idiot at Play ("How Mercury Falls changed the business of publishing")Omnivoracious (Interview )
More About: Blog , Tour

The MF'ing Blog Tour Rolls On!
2010-10-28 15:39:00
Thanks to these dudes for participating in the MF'ing Blog Tour ! Stop by and say hi! White Rhino Report Avitable 15 Minute Lunch

Welcome to the MF?ing Blog Tour!
2010-10-26 11:28:00
The goal of the MF?ing Blog Tour is to spread awareness of my novel, Mercury Falls, throughout the Internets. Originally self-published, Mercury Falls has been picked up, cleaned off, and re-published by AmazonEncore. It?s now available in paperback for $10.17 and on Kindle for $7.99. And if you don?t like buying stuff online or would rather shop locally, not a problem! There?s a good chance your local bookstore has copies of Mercury Falls in stock ? and if they don?t, they can easily order them. Mercury Falls has received 110 five-star reviews on Amazon, and Booklist says, ?Clever, inventive, and original, Kroese?s hilarious romp has cult favorite written all over it.? If you?ve enjoyed this blog or my other book, The Force is Middling in this One, you?re sure to enjoy Mercury Falls. But don?t take my word for it; listen to these fabulous bloggers! Scuzzy Money The Lesser of Two Equals Avitable More Things Japanese Subtle Melodrama The Thinker Life Happens While Books are ...

Booklist: Mercury Falls is "Hilarious!"
2010-10-07 10:09:00
Mercury Falls has just hit the big time. Booklist, the magazine the New York Times calls "an acquisitions bible for public and school librarians nationwide," will be publishing a review of Mercury Falls in their October 15 issue. Here's the full review (emphasis mine): The Apocalypse is nigh in this whimsical, riotous debut. Christine Temetri, a freelancer for a popular religious news magazine, is tired of endless assignments covering cults incorrectly prophesizing the End of Days. When she talks her boss into giving her a better assignment, she doesn?t anticipate it will actually lead her back to a cult leader: the charismatic Galileo Mercury, who turns out not to be a cult leader at all, but a bona fide angel. Mercury is more interested in playing ping pong and drinking beer than he is in being involved in the upcoming Apocalypse. But when he and Christine escape a bit of divine retribution and end up saving the life of the Antichrist, a sulky gamer named Karl Grissom, they fi...
More About: Hilarious

MF'ing Blog Tour, Round Two
2010-10-04 22:50:00
Given the success of the original MF'ing Blog Tour , I've decided to do it again for the re-release of Mercury Falls. And the best part? If you have a blog, you can play!What am I talking about? Well, a year ago I self-published my first novel, a silly little story about the adventures of a rogue angel at the brink of the apocalypse, called Mercury Falls. I welcomed my fellow bloggers to review Mercury Falls, or interview me, or post badly photoshopped pictures of me french-kissing Garrison Keillor, or whatever they wanted to do, as long as it involved me, their blog, and free publicity for Mercury Falls.Now that AmazonEncore is publishing Mercury Falls "for real," I thought I'd give the MF'ing blog tour another go. So: if you have a blog, please email me at diesel (at) mattresspolice.com or just leave a comment below, and we'll line something up.What's in it for you? Well, I'll link back to all the participating blogs, for one thing. Also? You get the satisfaction of helping ...

By the time you finish reading this, you?ll be five minutes and three years
2010-09-24 10:50:00
Read Part One Here.Read Part Two Here.A while back I promised a series on how to go about self-publishing a novel. I started the series with an essay entitled ?Write the Novel You Want to Read,? and I was tempted to make you suffer through some advice on revising and editing before moving on to the marketing stuff, but then it occurred to me that I didn?t wait until I had a polished product to start marketing Mercury Falls, so why should you? You shouldn?t, in fact. This may run counter to your instincts as a writer, but you should start marketing your novel NOW. I don?t care if you haven?t even written it yet. I don?t care if you haven?t even settled on a title or a genre. Start NOW. I don?t mean that you should start emailing all your friends about the great novel that you?re hoping to finish six years from now. I mean that you should start building a fan base for your writing, so that when you do finish your novel, there are at least a few dozen people out there who are eager t...
More About: Reading , Time , Years

Grunge Match
2010-09-20 22:58:00
Dave: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Wow, do we have a great fight for you tonight. I think this one may rival the match between Cheap Trick?s Dream Police and Radiohead?s Karma Police, known as the Brawl in Blue. Well, I suppose you could call this one the Battle of the Bums, or maybe the Tramp Tussle. Yes, in this corner, weighing in at a buck seventy-three, including three wool jackets and two pairs of soiled trousers, is the current champ, the man known as Aqualung. And in this corner, at one hundred sixty-five ? three of which is estimated to be beard ? is the challenger, who goes by the name Even Flow. Brent, who do you give the edge to in this match?Brent: I gotta put my money on Aqualung. This guy has seen it all. I mean, look at the guy, he?s an animal. Snot running down his nose, rubbing his greasy hands on his clothes, it?s disgusting. Earlier I saw him psyching himself up for this fight, sitting on a park bench eyeing little girls with bad intent, and I have to...
More About: Grunge , Match