Mattress Police - The Secret Files

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I'd Rather Be Quilting in a Beach House
2009-09-10 10:12:00
I?m back. I still can?t tell you why I stopped blogging exactly, but I can tell you why I started up again. The urge to blog hit me on the way in to work a few days ago, when I saw a bumper sticker that read: I would rather be quilting in a beach house. Something about the sheer unapologetic arbitrariness of that bumper sticker caused something to stir deep within my soul. It?s the same sort of sensation that I feel when I drive past the Knife Store on the corner of Sisk and Pelandale. I think, ?Sure, you could have opened a Mexican restaurant or an auto parts store, but you looked at that location between the Japanese takeout place and Supercuts and thought, ?Aha! The perfect location for my knife store!? I?ve never been inside the Knife Store, and I don?t know anyone who has, but somehow just knowing that somebody can open a knife store wherever they damn well please is a source of encouragement for me. It?s a testament to the indominatable spirit of human individuality an...
More About: House , Beach , Quilting

Pre-ordering for Mercury Falls is now open!
2009-09-01 10:59:00
Many of you have asked me, "Diesel, since I missed out on my chance to win a copy of Mercury Falls , is there a way for me to get a signed copy?"Others have asked, "Diesel, I live in a faraway land, such as South Africa or Australia. Will I be able to get a copy of Mercury Falls?"Still others have asked, "Diesel, the first part of that last quote was actually a statement, not a question. Is it really appropriate to preface it with 'Others have asked'? Is this the sort of writing we can expect in your novel?"Finally, still still others have asked, "Diesel, can I get multiple copies so I can give them out to my friends and family -- without having to pay outrageous shipping costs?"I'm happy to announce that the answers to all of these questions is YES!From now through September 30, 2009, you can pre-order signed copies of Mercury Falls. Be the first of your peer group to have a copy -- and the only one to have a copy that appears to have been scribbled in by a fourth grade boy ...
More About: Open

More Shilling for my Novel!
2009-08-24 22:39:00
But wait, this is good. I've finally come up with some details about how you can win a copy. Here's how it will work: From now until August 31, I will give away one copy for every five new fans of MERCURY FALLS. For example, right now there are 270 fans of MERCURY FALLS. When that number hits 275, I will randomly select one fan to receive a free copy. When it hits 280, I'll select another, and so on. I will DM/email the winners and post their names on the fan page (unless a winner requests that his/her name not be shared). Several of you have mentioned that you would prefer to buy a copy than win one, which sounds a little crazy to me, but whatever. If you're one of those people and you happen to win, please just accept the book -- you can always give it away to a friend and buy another copy later, if you insist on giving me your money. I never planned to make money on this book. All I want to do is get as many copies out there as possible. So please don't be shy about encou...

Mercury Falls to be Released on 10/1!
2009-08-10 16:05:00
Over the past several months, I've been working on finding a publisher for my novel, Mercury Falls . Although the reception from agents has been positive, this is a particularly bad time for a new author to be trying to get published. The always-risk-averse publishing industry has gotten even more so in the current economy, and not having had the foresight to populate Mercury Falls with pubescent vampires, I'm facing an uphill battle. One agent to whom I sent the manuscript described Mercury Falls as "very funny" and said I was an "excellent writer," and then went on to say that the book was "too tongue in cheek for the current market." This agent, by the way, is also the author of a line of books about vampires. No joke.Rather than wait for a turnaround in the publishing industry that may never happen, I've decided to capitalize on the industry's failure to take advantage of new markets and technology. With Amazon.com accounting for 40% of all book sales, and with the ...
More About: Released

We did it!
2009-07-28 19:39:00
Over 500 people have signed up for the Mercury Falls interest list! Many thanks to everyone who blogged, emailed, tweeted, facebook and arm-twisted to get people to sign up.As promised, I'm beginning the process of self-publishing the book. I'm doing some final proofreading, as well as vendor research (the company I used for Antisocial Commentary, Lulu.com, has dramatically raised their prices, so I'm shopping around for other options).  I hope to have a definite release date within a few days.I will also soon have some more details about how you can win a free copy of Mercury Falls before it even comes out. (Hint: you should probably sign up for the interest list, if you haven't already).And if you want to keep better tabs on what's going on with me, please befriend me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter.Thanks again!

Did I mention that the publishing industry is retarded?
2009-07-15 23:19:00
Well, it is.  I'm not going to go into details, because it will just sound like sour grapes, but seriously, it's retarded.So here's what I'm going to do:  I'm going to self-publish Mercury Falls.  That's right, you don't have to wait for two years for it to slowly grind its way through the gears the publishing industry.  Most likely, you can have it in your hands (or on your Kindle) by Christmas.  But there is one catch: to have a chance to create a successful grassroots campaign for the book, I need to have a good-size initial fan base.  So here's the deal:  I'm going to publish the book as soon as I've got 500 people signed up for the Mercury Falls interest list.  It's not an unrealistic goal; at this writing, there are 337 people on the list. If each regular reader of this blog convinced one friend to sign up, we'd be at 500 in no time. So tell your friends, family, coworkers, students, household servants -- anyone that either e...
More About: Industry , Publishing , Retarded

I seem to be on hiatus
2009-06-16 15:33:00
The good news is that I'm healthy.  The bad news, from your perspective, is that I seem to have stopped blogging.  I'm not sure why.  Part of it is that I've been focusing on revising the beginning of my novel, Mercury Falls.  Truth be told, I was never really happy with the opening chapters.  I wrote the first three chapters before I had any idea where the book was going, and then once I got an idea of where things were headed, I just kept writing until I got to the end.  But then I still had these shaky first three chapters that seemed to be both integral to the plot and mismatched in tone with the rest of the book.  I couldn't remove them without screwing up the plot, but they didn't make a very good introduction to the book either.  Anyway, I believe I have finally come up with a solution.  I made some revisions to the opening chapters that I think have vastly improved the book.  At this point I think Mercury Falls is about ...
More About: Hiatus

Oh, hey there! How's it going?
2009-06-08 21:08:00
Yeah, so after mostly getting over my inexplicable hand injury, I developed a slightly more explicable back injury that caused me to walk stooped over like an old man for three days and then started to wane just as I developed a bad headache that then turned into some kind of sinus thing and a fever and has now left behind only a nagging cough and some impressive chunks of green mucus.In other words, I'm kind of wiped out.  I'm probably going to need a few more days to come up with anything halfway intelligent to post.In the meantime, sign up for the Mercury Falls interest list two or three more times. 

MP Mailbag
2009-06-05 01:00:00
My gopher post got quite a reaction.  Scott Oglesby commented on my observation that establishing a perimiter never seems to do any good on '24':You bring up an interesting point; I don?t think that I?ve ever seen a perimeter work in television or movies. Sometimes it comes close, but it never works. As a matter of fact, the phrase ?establish a perimeter? should now be used exclusively as slang for failure. IE; ?Wow Mike, you really ?established a perimeter? with the ladies at the club last night!? Or, ?How?s Karen been doing with her opiate withdrawal?? To which the reply is, ?Oh man, she?s ?established a perimeter? around the heroin again.?As for the gophers, maybe you could get them to follow Chevy Chase?s career. They might not die, but at least you?ll never hear from them again! Stickman said:If gophers look at gopher porn, do they get gopher wood?  How's that for an obscure Bible reference?  Maybe you can build an ark for when California f...

Jor-El slammed for use of Phantom Zone to house enemy combatants
2009-06-03 22:14:00
Bar-Ob promises "swift closure" of extradimensional prison.KRYPTONOPOLIS - Ratcheting up the rhetoric in the race for Supreme Leader of Krypton, Demokryptic candidate Bar-Ob has promised to "close once and for all" the controversial extradimensional prison known as the Phantom Zone ."How can we hold ourselves up as a model for other planets, such as... well, the only one I know of is Earth," said Bar-Ob, "while maintaining an illegal prison in a dimension just 90 miles outside our own space-time continuum? It's unconscionable."A spokesperson for Jor-El, the scientist who discovered the Phantom Zone, called Bar-Ob's promises "irresponsible and unrealistic." ?Jor-El, known for his controversial claim that the core of Krypton is radioactive and due to explode "any day now," is running as the Republiton candidate for Supreme Leader.?Demokrypts have accused Jor-El of "fear-mongering." ?Bar-Ob recently noted recently that "Every time Jor-El's polls are down, they bump up the Planetary C...
More About: House , Enemy

I Can't Gopher That (No Can Do)
2009-06-01 22:58:00
About six years ago, my wife and I purchased ten acres of farmland just outside of Ripon, California. ?Eight acres of the property are still orchard, while the front two acres serve as home to my wife and me, our two children, my father-in-law, and a varying number of gophers.If you're one of those people who can't stand the thought of any living creature -- no matter how ugly and annoying -- being harmed, I'd suggest you stop reading here, because the fact is that gophers are evil creatures that deserve to die a painful, horrifying death. ?I feel nothing but joy when I club a gopher over the head with a shovel and then toss his lifeless carcass into the orchard as a warning to the other gophers. ?I've even been known, while in the throes of a gopher-killing frenzy, to cackle evilly and make dire but nonsensical pronouncements such as, "Oh, I'm AFRAID the deflector shield will be QUITE operational when your friends arrive...."Here's a second disclaimer, before I go any further...
More About: Gopher

Congrats, Crummy Joel!
2009-05-29 17:08:00
Crummy Joel took top honors this week. ?I think that makes what, five wins for Joel? ?Time to update my sidebar.Raymond Betancourt came in second, with:"Maybe?you?didn't?hear?me...I?said?m y?kid?is?selling?candy?for?herschool.?How ?many?boxes?can?I?put?you?down?for?And?Aa ron?took?third,?with:I'm?not?going?to?ask ?you?again:?"Turn?back?into?that?hot?girl !" In?case?you?don't?get?Joel's?caption,?I'v e?written?a?novel,?see.??It's?called?Merc ury?Falls.??I've?been?trying?to?find?an?a gent?to?represent?it.??Read?more?here. Make sure you sign up for the Mercury Falls interest list while you're over there.Sorry for being so lame this week. ?Somehow I injured my hand last week and it's made typing rather difficult. ?It's also made me a little grumpy, which makes it hard to be funny. ?Well, watching me try to put on my socks probably would have been pretty funny, but as you can imagine, trying to capture that on camera wouldn't have made the task any easier.You might argue that even with...

Vote!
2009-05-26 20:13:00
CrummyJoel?said..."I WANT THE NAMES OF EVERY F*CKING LITERARY AGENT YOU KNOW!!!"SushiBoy?said...Diesel rants,? "That's the last time you'll ever get in the way of my eff'ing shot, stupid robot of a lighting technician."Shelley?said..."Now get up and start digging those trenches, punk!"Aaron?said...I'm not going to ask you again: "Turn back into that hot girl!"Peeved Guy?said...For the last time... I AM NOT interested in buying a copy of?The Watchtower.MWSwall?said...I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire thirty shots or only twenty-seven?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a M16A2, the most powerful assault rifle in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?Raymond Betancourt?said..."Maybe you didn't hear me...I said my kid is selling candy for her school. How many boxes can I put you down for?Brad?said...Diesel had just about...
More About: Vote

I'm up at the Book Roast blog today!
2009-05-26 09:28:00
Mercury Falls is being featured over at the Book Roast blog?today! Read an excerpt and leave a comment for a chance to win a $15 Amazon gift certificate. And make sure to sign up for the Mercury Falls interest list when you're done.I inexplicably injured my middle finger a few days ago, so you may not hear much more from me this week, because I'm trying not to use it. At the very least, I will be avoiding words with the letters K, I and M in them. Sorry, Kim!I'll post the caption contest finalists later today.Diesel out.
More About: Blog , Today

Caption Contest: Terminator: Salvation
2009-05-22 17:55:00
You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. I'll post the best ten in a poll on Tuesday. Have a swell weekend!
More About: Contest , Salvation , Terminator

Retarded Search Terms!
2009-05-20 17:25:00
It must be about time for a post that doesn't require much effort on my part. That's right, it's time for a Google Analytics search term post!Here?are?some?of?the?phrases?that?pe ople?have?used?to?get?to?this?site?overth e?past?month:funny?monkey?videosYou've come to the right place!anal?probingOnce again, bingo!10?thousand?dollar?mattressHave I mentioned lately that sponsors can contact me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com regarding my rates?average?human?swallows?spiders(open s envelope) Name three stupid animals in order from largest to smallest.can?i?join?the?police?if?i'm?fat Well... just how fat are you planning on getting?can?you?urine?while?erecteYes, but not while I'm also trying to type.contact?number?of?god?matressLet?me? get?this?straight.?You're?trying?to?get?a ?hold?of?God's?mattress? You Catholics are wacky.cool?stuff?to?do?with?a?mattressWel l, there's sleep. That's pretty cool. Let's see here... build a fort, maybe? There?was?something?else,?but?I?can't?qui te?t...
More About: Search , Terms , Retarded

Tuesday Shout-out
2009-05-19 10:50:00
Things have been so insane at work that I haven't done one of these for a while. Sorry.First, you guys remember Doug from Taunt Vortex, previously one of the highest-ranking blogs on Humor-Blogs.com? Well, he's put blogging on hiatus, but he has started doing standup comedy. And check it out, he's funny. I actually laughed out loud multiple times during this clip. ?The camera work is a bit nauseating; I think he borrowed the camera guy from Battlestar Galactica. But it's still definitely worth watching. I also wanted to give an update on the status of the Retarded Meme. Here are the blogs that have participated so far:Agitprop </a> <a href=" http:="" www.rumproast.com="" index.php="" site="" comments="" language_evolution_going_full_retard="">R umproast Farvel Cargo The Economy Isn't Happening POTPOURRI FOR $500 Life According to Candice Wading through my stream of consciousness... Alitloff J-TWO-OIf I missed you, please let me know. And please feel welcome to ...
More About: Tuesday

Dammit, Brad. I said NO SMILING. Now we have to take the picture again.
2009-05-18 13:30:00
Hey Brad , I had a killer idea this weekend. Is this that thing about the sitcom based on the Elian Gonzalez story? Because dude, that was retarded. No, man, we're going to start a band! What kind of band? Sort of a soulful post-grunge-alternative-ish-but-still-rad io-friendly-rock band. Think Nickelback meets Creed. I thought Nickelback was Creed. Check it, I've got it all the positions figured out. 'Positions'? You mean 'instruments'? No, positions, man. I'm going to be Fauxhawk Dude. You can be LSG. LSG? Long-Sleeve Guy. I've been studying this shit all weekend, man. There's always a Fauxhawk Dude and a Long-Sleeve Guy. What instrument does LSG play? Because I'm not -- I'm thinking Ed for Dorky Guy. Or maybe Dan. Anyway, Dorky Guy will be easy to fill. What I can't figure out is who's going to be PWMD. Pants With Mutilation Dude? Poser Wannabe Model Dude. Oh. How about Mike? Ooh, Mike! That's perfect. He puts product in his hair and everything. Uh huh. S...
More About: Picture

Yeah, so, umm...
2009-05-15 17:34:00
No caption contest today. Going to be working all weekend. Yay!Hopefully I'll have time to whip up a post for Monday. Have a swell weekend.

My First Video Blog!
2009-05-13 18:34:00
Sorry I haven't been around much lately, but I can explain.?
More About: Video , Video Blog , Blog

Secret Origins of Pop Songs
2009-05-11 05:47:00
Most of us have mixed feelings about learning the identity of the real life people who inspired popular songs. For example, it's interesting to learn that "Layla," "Wonderful Tonight" and George Harrison's "Something" were all inspired by the same woman, Pattie Boyd.?On the other hand, did we really need to know that the "Wonderland" in John Mayer's "Your Body is a Wonderland" is Jennifer Love Hewitt??And I think I can speak for all of humanity when I beg modern science for a selective memory deletion process so that I can un-learn the fact that Alanis Morissette's rage-driven anthem "You Oughta Know" was inspired by the goofy blond guy from Full House, Dave Coulier. As if it weren't bad enough that that show spawned John Stamos and the demonic Olsen twins, now it has retroactively ruined one of the signature songs of the 90s. If it turns out that Dave Coulier secretly ghost-wrote the Star Wars prequels, I for one would like to nominate him as the Antichrist.Our curiosity about...
More About: Songs , Secret

Mr. Sunshine
2008-06-10 17:28:00
While Diesel is taking a well-deserved break from blogging this week, we present to you a special series of guest posts, lovingly entitled "Meet the Real Diesel."Today's guest blogger is a man known only as Glacial Spain. Rumor has it that Glacial Spain has been friends with Diesel for nearly 30 years, so presumably he has some serious mental deficiency and should not be trusted.Oh. Hi!I, uh, wasn't expecting anyone to show up. Diesel asked me to look after the place while he was out, so here I am, just having a look around.So... Do you want some raisins? There's plenty to go around. Help yourself. D won't mind. Before he left he said, ?Yo G! Help yourself to the raisins.? So it's all cool.Apparently I'm supposed to provide you with a window into the ?real? Diesel. In case you haven't figured it out already, I haven't quite gotten around to doing that yet. ?Mostly I expect people to just make stuff up, but in your case you don't have to,? was the way he put it.I did write ...
More About: Sunshine

Diesel's Summer Vacation
2008-06-09 17:34:00
While Diesel is taking a well-deserved break from blogging this week, we present to you a special series of guest posts, lovingly entitled "Meet the Real Diesel."Today's guest blogger is Snuppy, aka "Crazy Aunt Bea," formerly of Central Snark, whose special bond with Diesel has transcended time, space and several restraining orders. Enjoy.Diesel's Summer Vacation Diesel was the prettiest little girl I ever did see. Despite her dirty face, impossibly short hair, and the fact she wore dingy dungarees over a torn tee shirt, I could tell from the moment I shoved her inside my car that she was a child worth investing time, money, and bath salts on. And believe you me, I went about doing just that during the summer young Diesel spent with me on the ancestral family farm, located on the outskirts of Pixley, California.Like all children in new surroundings, Diesel -- or Dee Dee, as I preferred to call her -- was initially timid, and just a tad terrified. Truth be told, I was a little surp...

The Mystery Switch Climax!
2008-06-06 19:45:00
I suppose it was inevitable that my car would have a clitoris.Wow, there's a sentence I never thought I'd write.My own suggestion, "MORE COWBELL", gave it a run for its money, but in the end there was no denying the appeal of "CLITORIS." So that's the label that will go on the Mystery Switch . Thanks, Deb! I'll get the label made up and post it when I get back.In case you missed yesterday's post, I'm going to be taking a hiatus for a week or so. I've got some great guest bloggers lined up who have promised to expose The Real Diesel. This ought to be interesting.While you're here, please weigh in on:(1) Whether you would be interested in buying a discounted copy of my book, so I can order the right amount of copies.(2) Whether you'd be interested in acquiring Antisocial Commentary Volume 2, so I know whether I should write it or not.See you in a week or so.Diesel out.Listed on humor-blogs.com.

Two Questions and an Announcement
2008-06-05 23:04:00
I'm preempting the Thursday Shout-Out this week for an announcement and a couple of questions. First, the announcement:I'm going to be taking a little break from blogging next week. I'm in the process of lining up some very special guest posters to keep you entertained while I'm gone. I'll be back tomorrow with the Mystery Switch contest results, but I'll be out all next week.Now for the questions.A few of you may have heard that I wrote a book - a little volume called Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. It's a collection some of my best writing from the first year of this blog, plus some original stuff. It retails for $11.95 plus shipping, but occasionally I have offered copies for $9.95 with free shipping. I can do this because (1) I don't really care about making any money on the book; and (2) If I buy a bunch of copies, I can get them at enough of a discount that I'm not losing (much) money by selling them for that amount. Since ...
More About: Questions , Announcement

Paying the Piper
2008-06-04 20:56:00
You want to know how square I am? A few days ago I was downloading songs from iTunes. Yeah, I know, there are all kinds of places you can go online to download songs for free. But here’s the thing.Back in 1999, when Napster was at its peak of popularity, I used to spend all my free time at work downloading MP3s. And having spent most of 1998 automating all of my job responsibilities, I had a lot of free time. I downloaded every song I could think of. It’s a good thing that nobody was paying attention to how much time I was actually spending at the office, because my musical tastes weren’t broad enough to justify more than eight hours a week of downloading. If my boss had actually been paying attention to when I was arriving and leaving, I’d probably have 80 gigs of polka clogging up my hard drive.I justified my theft of copyrighted songs by blaming the greedy record companies. It irritated me that they expected me to pay eighteen bucks for a CD when I only wanted a s...
More About: Piper

Switch Hitting
2008-06-03 18:55:00
I received a lot of good explanations for my mystery switch, along with many snide comments about how dirty my car is. Look, I've been working on my landscaping, ok? So it's hella dusty outside, and I haven't had time to keep my car clean. I promise that I'll clean my car out good so I can get a nice picture of the switch with its new label.Some of my favorite comments are below:Deb on the Rocks said...Sugar, that mystery button is called the "clitoris." Don't feel bad, many men have to be taught these things. Just give it a few rapid toggles after the engine is warmed up to keep your Nissan happy and performing like a kitten.Brad said...Paper shredder for sensitive and confidential car floor documents.Mother Theresa said...This switch is to raise the glass partition that separates the front from the back, for those times when you're really sick of hearing "Are we there yet?"That Zero Guy said...Well, obviously, it has to have a purpose. I mean, even if some children from a...
More About: Driving , Switch

Down in the Trenches
2008-06-02 20:30:00
Hail, soul-husks!I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and meme wraith. You may know me as one of the nine dark riders who once served the Dark Lord Sauron. Since my beloved homeland of Mordor was overrun by hobbits, I have served as the chief meme-dispatcher at the Mattress Police headquarters.The premises have been quiet of late, as few dare risk my wrath. Recently, however, this blog was tagged by both Claire and Pope Terry with the Six Word Memoir meme. By my accounting, this allots me twelve words with which to pen a memoir covering my nine hundred year existence. That is just over one word per century. It will be difficult to sum up such an eventful and tragic life in only a dozen words, but I shall do my best:To know the true price of blingJust give me a ringYou see, I have used the word ?ring? to denote two distinct concepts, thereby compressing a greater volume of ideas into fewer words. Also, it rhymes. Fear my poetic virtuosity!I apologize if I have failed to dispat...

What does this switch do?
2008-05-30 22:03:00
I decided to do a different kind of contest today. Inspired by your comments on my big knob post, I'm holding a contest for the best guess as to what the mystery switch in my car is for. I will select my ten favorite guesses and post them in a poll for you to vote on. When the winner is selected, I will have a label created for the switch that reflects the winning caption. Your prize will be the knowledge that I am driving around with your label on that switch.I will also award a special prize to the first person to offer documented proof of what the switch really does (or is supposed to do).And just to get this out of the way:1. No, the red light next to the switch does not go on when you click it. I don't know if it's supposed to.2. I'm not going to tell you what kind of car it is. It shouldn't be hard to figure out.3. If you've already submitted a guess/theory on my previous post, you don't have to re-submit it. I'll consider all of them.Have fun!Hey, what does this...
More About: Driving , Nonsense , Switch

Thursday Shout-Out
2008-05-30 01:19:00
Here's something new: I've actually put some effort into today's shout-out. These are some posts that I ran across recently I thought would be worth your time.Want to say thanks to those serving overseas? Join Claudia in the Gratitude Campaign.Jeff gives a chilling example of how Google is reading your mind.Mr. Fabulous demonstrates why people generally avoid using sour cream for shaving.Get your comment in for the Crummy Church Signs commentary contest.Read Courtney's rebuttal to my anti-vegan tirade. (Who knew that vegans aren't from Vegas?)Brent has a Short Conversation with God.That's it for now. I'm going to mix things up a little with tomorrow's contest. Check back here bright and early (maybe noonish) for details.Please visit humor-blogs.com too! I'm so close to being #3!
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