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Livin' on a Prayer: Bon Jovi Guitarist DUI plus, a Salute to the 5 Worst Bo
2008-03-28 14:00:00
In the spirit of kickin' 'em when they're down, we thought we'd lace 'em up and give a solid punt to the arse of everyone's favorite crap-rock poster boys, Bon Jovi in this, another of our 'music and booze-themed' postings.'Jovi Guitarist Ritchie Sambora, pictured here, and looking in decidedly poorer shape than ex squeeze Heather Lochlear was recently arrested for DUI in Laguna Beach California. So, to honor the band, and also in the spirit of celebrating the worst of everything, we've decided to put together a tribute, of sorts, to Bon Jovi, the world?s most famous Bruce Springsteen tribute band.Early on in their career as Bruce, they discovered that their slice of the bar receipts pie was wafer thin (to mix food metaphors) and that they should ditch their E Street Band and streamline their line-up to the dismal arena wimp-rock quartet that you see today.This was after the unceremonious booting of bass player Alec John Such, because he ?couldn?t play his instrument??a r...
More About: Prayer , Top Ten , Salute

Top 10 'Bar' Songs of all time (Part II)
2008-03-26 14:00:00
As we laid out like a nacho platter in Part One of our ?Top Ten Bar Songs of All Time ?, bars have contributed more to our culture than simply being a convenient place to cash your social assistance check, meet your bookie and punch out your landlord. Bars provide a setting for some choice inner faith jokes involving priests, rabbis and other assorted holy men, as well as, depending on the joke, grasshoppers, parakeets and a foul-mouthed frog that tap dances on the edge of pint glasses (we?ll tell you that one over a beer). And more to the point of this list, they have also provided a setting for some excellent songs. We?re not talking about songs that are almost exclusively heard in bars ? but rather those that specifically reference bar and pub life. We?d like to think that each item on this list was scribbled on a cocktail napkin by a genius songwriter who was hopelessly drunk at the time of its composition. We?d also like to think that said genius then passed out in a poo...

Top 10 'Bar' Songs of All Time! (Part I)
2008-03-24 14:00:00
Some songs have become bar anthems. You hear ?Born in the USA? or ?You Shook Me all Night Long? anywhere other than a bar and you wonder why you?re not in some reeking dive, clutching a glass of draft, while chatting up a thoroughly disinterested party and eating from a plate of peanuts containing more germs than the handles on the urinals. We recognize that these songs make an important contribution to one?s elbow-tilting atmosphere, however we reckon that enough attention has been paid to every one of them (and that they each have almost reached their limit when it comes to Internet derision). What we?d like to focus on instead are songs that are actually set in bars. The writers of these songs, for the most part, were the sort who followed the advice of ?Write what you know?; they looked around, saw that they were in a bar and wrote the following classic tunes. All of these songs are either set in a bar, or make heavy reference to pub life. To actually sit down and pen a song...
More About: Songs , Time , Part

On St. Patrick's Day Even the Crack is Green
2008-03-21 14:00:00
On Monday, we presented our Tips on How to Put Some Irish into Your St. Patrick?s Day. Number five on that list was: ?Don?t just stop at green beer: On St. Patrick?s Day, not only should your beer be dyed green, but so should your infant?s milk, your pets, your elderly relations and your shrubbery (any exotic species you may have that is not already green by nature).? What follows may be sheer coincidence or it may point to the fact that we hold sway with a group not often considered a target demographic by any legitimate businesspeople: crack dealers.Police in Marietta, Georgia arrested five suspects for ?peddling green crack on St. Patrick?s Day?. We normally don?t cover the goings-on in the wide wild world of hard drugs, mainly because the book we wrote focused on tales of drunken excess and pound-for-pound tales of crack-rock-induced derring-do just aren?t as funny, however in this case we've decided to make an exception in honor of this festive time of year. Underco...
More About: Green , Crack

Digging that Bronze Age Booze Find
2008-03-19 14:00:00
If Darwin were alive today, he?d be 200 years old and fielding questions about how he cheated death, perhaps on the daytime talk circuit. He would've also born witness to the 'my great aunt was Irish and now I'm going to sport a fatuous plastic hat that I can later vomit into' that passes for St Patrick's Day on these shores.Observing such debauchery would leave little doubt in anyone's mind (unless you?re Mike Huckabee) that humans are basically just like other animals. One of us actually witnessed a trail of vomit that spanned the entire length of a subway car, and though we?re not gastroenterologists, judging by the puke?s fluid state, whoever did that should likely see one?or at least supplement their diet with a bit of fiber, perhaps all-bran. By archaeological accounts, humans, prior to sullying mass transit and other public places with their innards, have been getting blotto for nearly 6000 years. The Bronze Age was a time, not only of unheeded dermatological warnings ...
More About: Booze , Find

The Shark Guys? Tips on How to Put Some "Irish" into Your St. Patrick's Day
2008-03-17 14:00:00
To drinkers, St. Patrick's Day is an occasion that holds an almost religious significance. In fact, some drunk in a bar many St. Patrick's Days ago once told us that the occasion was rooted in some sort of Catholic tradition. He described a highly improbable scenario involving snakes having infested Ireland, and a saint named Patrick coming along to drive them out like some sort of pest control superman. Being that this entire business reminded us of an awful Jon Voight movie out of theaters by then that we had hoped to put out of our minds as well, we proceeded to move to the other end of the bar. Guinness brewery has been pushing the idea of making St. Paddy's an official holiday, and we are all for it, but even if they're not successful, to us St. Patrick's Day still has a special status -- we call it "Drunk's Easter" -- and it would be a disservice to our readers and a slight on the Irish ancestry of one of the authors if we did not pay tribute to this day by stopping on o...
More About: Tips , Shark , Guys

John Daly Brings Balls to Golf
2008-03-14 14:00:00
Golf is a unique sport. Its playing surface to goal/hole/end-zone ratio is ENORMOUS. If soccer were golf, and its goal kept in proportion, one team would have to hail a cab to get the ball anywhere near the opposition's net.A cup diameter of a golf hole is the size of a billiards pocket, yet its playing surface requires geography of Neverland Ranch proportions. If billiards were like that, Minnesota Fats wouldn't be.Golfing is also unlike any other sport in that motorized vehicles are used outside the context of, say, racing them. Let's suppose a rugby player didn't much feel like running between scrums. If rugby were golf, he'd simply hop in a cart and lazily putter around the pitch.In Canada, where the ground is frozen solid for at least nine months a year, players risk frostbite on the links if they can't jump-start their carts. In fact, the weather is so uninhabitable generally, that during the winter months, the most infirm, out of shape, and elderly segment of the popula...
More About: Golf , John , Balls , John Daly

Teen Girl DUI: Drunk driver, 14, with mom in car
2008-03-12 12:00:00
Whether it?s wowing Guitar Hero?s aging demographic with one?s innate ability to shred, making the competition look like dunderheads in a spelling bee or doing complex mathematical equations on the back of a Hello Kitty lunchbox, we live in a society where precociousness, however smug-seeming and nauseating it is for those without kids, is celebrated.This sort of admiration carries over to a certain extent in manners of drinking. We all admired the kind of guy who was capable of out-drinking our parents when he was 15, and, years later, we?re happy to tip him for giving the windshield a good scrub when we go in for a fill-up. But this respect does not extend to youthful drunk drivers. If there is an upside to drunk-driving, or, as we call it, the orange pylon obstacle course home from the bar, it?s that most of the time those committing this offence are older, and thus benefit somewhat from more experience behind the wheel ? this to be judged in proportion with the fact that they ma...
More About: Driver , Girl , Drunk

Drunk Tank-Driver Smashes House in Vodka Run
2008-03-10 14:00:00
In The Shark Book, we devoted an entire chapter, ?Hard Corps Drunk s: The Few, The Brave, The Blotto? to the exploits in liquid form of those in uniform ? among them a young recruit nearly blinded while playing a boozy game of ?fireball hockey? [it?s aptly named] at an Army base, and a navy man whose fecal foray onto shore left a bad impression, and a bad smell in town.But possibly the most shocking of all of these, or at least the one that you would expect the firing squad to start tuning up for, was the sale of a tank by Russia n army forces to their Chechen enemies for around 8,000 bucks after the two opposing sides voted for peace by laying down their weapons and drinking their faces off together for an afternoon. That story and another about a Russian soldier who stole a dinghy from the merchant ship he was on and nearly perished at sea in violent weather just to procure some vodka on land are both instructive preludes to the following.The cold Russian winters no doubt gave the s...
More About: House , Driver , Tank

Drunk Elvis Impersonator 'All Shook Up' in court
2008-03-07 13:00:00
A few years back, we found a rental car company that didn?t charge extra for mileage and proceeded to make them rethink that policy by striking out on an impromptu 1300 mile trip from Toronto to New Orleans with a couple of buddies. En route, we took in the best of what the southern US has to offer: happily clogging arteries with their delicious early-grave food, spending more than one late night boozing it up on Nashville?s main strip, and also doing the tourist guidebook stuff that involved sites near and dear to our hearts like the Jack Daniels distillery and Johnny Cash?s house in Hendersonville Tennessee. We were disappointed to see that the latter was closed to the public upon our arrival, but heartened when we saw a sign across the street for something called ?Trinity Music City, USA?. Alas, this enthusiasm was premature. ?Trinity Music City, USA? is what Conway Twitty's Xanadu-like compound ?Twitty City? was renamed when the Christian Trinity Broadcasting Company overt...
More About: Elvis , Drunk , Impersonator , Court , Breathalyzer

24 Hour Party People: UK decides to keep all-night drinking law
2008-03-05 15:00:00
On Monday, we covered the growing movement in the US questioning the logic of why someone who is legally able to ruin their lives in so many ways ? ie get married, fight in wars, shoot off firearms, vote, star in a porno and obtain a mortgage ? is not allowed the freedom to legally get drunk and bemoan the terrible choices they have made in these areas. We support the lowering of the drinking age in the US even if it means that our border towns in Canada will no longer be overflowing with American college students tearing a path of destruction through our hotels and getting to know the lap dance providers at strip clubs on a first-name basis.The drinking situation in Britain is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Eighteen-year-olds there can belly up to the bar, order a whiskey straight up with no ice, and put up with the laughter and derision of the hardened drinkers around them as they choke it back ? and it?s all perfectly legal. Beer at the supermarkets is cheaper than...
More About: People , Party , Night , Drinking , Hour

US states consider lowering legal drinking age: Life, liberty and a legal b
2008-03-03 15:00:00
When I was 17I had some very good beerI had some very good beerThat I purchasedWith a fake IDMy name was Brian McGeeI stayed up listening to QueenWhen I was 17 ?When I Was 17?, Homer J. Simpson A powerful youth movement is afoot in the USA. Young Americans are fed up with the status quo and are demanding change. Countless youngsters are shaking off apathy, signing petitions, launching online campaigns and joining forces to exercise their collective power to ensure that their voices are heard in the halls of power. Obamamania? What would a couple of beery Canadians who only watch CNN when hangovers preclude a remote control hunt know about that? (Editor?s Note: When are the people who invented The Clapper going to come up with a TV remote equivalent [one clap to turn it on, successive claps for channel flipping]? Would-be inventers have our blessings to run with this). No, what we?re referring to is the snowballing movement south of the border to lower the drinking age. ...
More About: Life , Liberty , Legal , Drinking , States

The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time (Part 2)
2008-02-29 15:00:00
As we noted in Part One of the Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time , bartenders in films and TV, if they?re given any face time at all, are lucky if they get their day?s studio parking validated for uttering ?I think you best see yer friend outta here? and wrenching a highball glass from the masturbatory grip of the protagonist, who is then propped up by his buddies and shuffled out the door while ugly looks are exchanged. More commonly, they get to tell some beat cop holding up a police sketch ?Yeh, dat?s da guy? he was in here last week?, or are made to dive for cover to avoid shards of glass from the explosion of cheap bottles of booze whenever some vigilante cowboy/mobster/trucker psychopath shoots up the place.This list is our effort to ensure that the unheralded film/TV bartender is remembered for something other than smacking a beer bottle off the odd noggin in the midst of a saloon brawl, or being a silent captive audience (at least until last call) forced to listen to wha...
More About: Top Ten

The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time (Part 1)
2008-02-27 15:00:00
Hollywood, not surprisingly, has introduced us to some truly memorable drunks ? think Billy Bob Thornton in "Bad Santa", or, far creepier and more likely to cause you to wake yourself up screaming, Gary Busey in "Carny".But what of the men and women on the other side of the bar, patiently stomaching the hero?s bravado and slinging the drinks that fuel his adventures (real-life versions of which we chronicled in our book)? Bartenders are often left out of the spotlight, a point most clearly made by the fact that they are often not even given a name in film credits. Julian Lennon, for example, may have played alongside Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, but to the world he will remain ?Bartender # 3 in Biker Bar?.We have attempted here to rectify that wrong somewhat and turn the spotlight on the profession of bartending with our ?Top 10 Coolest Fictional Bartenders of All Time ?. We offer this as a tip of sorts to all of the bartenders who have served us drinks in the past and been mi...
More About: Top Ten , Part

Drunk bank robbery busted minutes later
2008-02-25 15:00:00
This morning, rather than remark on last night's goings on, Oscar-wise and the obviously amazing adhesive properties of the primer used to affix John Travolta's hair to his bald noggin, or the nearly comatose presenter Harrison Ford (indistinguishable from the best performances he's ever given, minus the leather vests), we decided to focus on 'Best Drunk Performance During Commission of a Federal Felony', courtesy of a Chicago bank robber. [Editor's Note: Of course, in the event any of our seat filler insiders aren't shaken down and tossed out onto Hollywood Blvd and beaten, we'll give you updates on whichever drunken celebrity does something worthy of noting here.] In the Shark Book, we chronicled a blotto bank heist that ended inauspiciously when the 'robbin' hood' headed to the nearest bar (and we're not speaking euphemistically here as it was two blocks over) and tried to buy rounds with his security ink-stained loot. A Windy City brigand, following in that guy's sh...
More About: Bank , Busted , Minutes , Robbery

Man Streaking at Horse Race: And it's 'Drunk Idiot' by a nose!
2008-02-22 14:00:00
As we noted in 'The Shark Book', horses once served man as a primary mode of transport and then were thanked for their years of service with new posts in society as fodder for glue and rendering plants and as a key ingredient in the nation's dog food.Another popular use for horses has been to gather them at tracks, put lilliputian men atop them and force them to race one another while the audience bring ruination upon themselves through gambling, softening the blow of every lost dollar with a fortifying drink. Occasionally, this spectacle of soaking up hooch like a dish rag, cursing and haggling with hookers is undertaken with pretension, as is the case with the running of the Royal Ascot. There, in '94 as we chronicled in the book, a drunk galoot, aiming to get a closer look at the 'gorgeous' (source newspaper's quotation marks) women in the Royal Enclosure, nearly got trampled to death in front of Her Majesty, the Queen Mother and the Duke of Edinburgh.This recent example...
More About: Race , Drunk , Idiot , Nose , Horse

Firewalk with me: Drunk burns feet in bonfire promenade
2008-02-20 15:00:00
Firewalking is a technique that has been popular for centuries, ever since some fakir with a cart full of placebos to unload first gathered yokels around a coal pit and took the fiery walk in the hopes that they would believe he escaped burned feet because he was wearing the deity?s own socks and that the stinking concoctions he was doling out actually had some medicinal value.Motivational speaker Tony Robbins was able to use firewalking to much the same effect ? in his case unloading tapes and books featuring innumerable hours of him giving you advice that could be boiled down to the Fred Flintstone soundbite ?Think big, be big Barney.? It should be noted that Robbins was not suggesting the intervention of a deity, but rather that spending a whole wad of cash to listen to him go on at some retreat in the woods somehow equips one with the mental juice necessary to make such a run without injury. Science-minded spoilsports later put the mysticism surrounding firewalking to rest.The p...
More About: Drunk , Feet , Promenade , Burns

College Party Crackdown: UK gets serious about freshman drinking
2008-02-18 15:00:00
We can't speak for the US, where drinking laws are such that when you're finally legal you have a hairline receding more than a North Atlantic tide, but in Canada and the UK, you're able to drink, drive and vote all under the age of 20 (perhaps even in the same day if you have lots of errands to run)In the UK, "freshers", ("frosh" in Canada, "freshmen" in the US) such as the girl seen here, taking a much needed study break, have been known to dull the rigors of those stressful first two weeks of class registration and receipt of more than three course syllabuses, by tilting the wrist. Now, the UK government is threatening a freshman orientation crackdown worse than when your Visa's declined at the corner bar and you've donned a hairnet and helped with the dishes. According to a Sunday Times report, however, hypocrisy abounds as Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg, as a drunk teen (hencforce known for his dry wit), purportedly set fire to a greenhouse full of award-winning (?) ca...
More About: Party , College , Drinking , Freshman , Crackdown

Drunk Challenges Police Car to a Fight -- and the smart money is not on the
2008-02-15 15:00:00
Blackouts are nature?s way of sparing drunks from having to forever remember the shameful acts they may have committed whilst in liquor?s clutches. (Though the legend-like feats of the worst among them have been collected for posterity in our book, ?The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and other true tales of drunken debauchery). Also, in some places simply telling an arresting officer that you were so blotto you can?t remember a single detail of the crime you are alleged to have committed will result in you being set free with a sandwich and the best wishes of the city? or so we?ve heard.A 25-year-old man in Lincolnshire England was arrested recently for a crime he committed while blackout drunk that one would have assumed involved the consumption of hallucinogenic drugs rather than alcohol ? challenging a police car to a fight.The man is said to have finished a night?s boozing by hopping up on the roof of a marked police car and shouting ?come on then?, while swinging punches. The...
More About: Money , Police , Smart , Fight , Drunk

Taxi Cab Confession: Cab driver backs over drunk guy
2008-02-13 15:00:00
In many respects, big city drunks have it easy over their blotto backwoods brethren. There's no need to blow a sizable portion of your paycheck--the remainder of what's been left in the jukebox of a local saloon--on a cab fare into the hinterlands, if cabs even service those back roads at all. At least you're occasionally able to stumble home if you remember such details as your address (which you distinctly recall scribbling on a napkin and stuffing into a stranger's purse) or that the shortest distance between two points is the straight line you cannot walk.Sure you might wander into an alley inhabited by a tire iron-wielding maniac (who doesn't look like they drive but who take out their bus-pass related frustrations on the noggins of unwitting passersby), but you're at greater risk of having your reasonable facsimile of 'home' be a yellowing mattress hauled out on garbage day.A Sydney man after a night on the town and eschewing public transit (a good move generally, as w...
More About: Australia , Driver , Drunk , Confession , Taxi

Drunk Snowmobiling: Fire Water and Ice
2008-02-11 15:00:00
Jet-skiing, by all accounts, is a delightful pursuit. While our anemic complexions and sea legs unsteadier than the town drunk's preclude all water-based transport other than a canoe, we nonetheless envy its practitioners and bikini-clad wayfarers (whose arms we'd very much like to unclasp from the ample waists of their helmsmen if only we could reach them out there in open water).In our homeland, Canada, the sport's analog is snowmobiling, jet-skiing without the sex appeal and done atop snow, or the crystalline, solid phase of water, 'ice' to laymen. And while this may come as a shock to our readers occupying the other hemisphere whose only encounter with ice is that which is plopped into a mint julep, numerous lives are claimed every year by riders who've knocked back a few and improperly tested its denseness (their own denseness a test they've passed with flying colors), ending up at the bottom of a lake (where Jimmy 'The Chin' Di Pasquale sleeps with the fishes).Eskimo...
More About: Guinness , Drunk , Water , Fire

Key Partier: Teen would rather swallow key than call it a night
2008-02-08 15:00:00
We all have our different ways of dealing with the inevitably of ?last call?. Some of us order a tray full of enough high-octane booze to blind an elephant before the dreaded hour strikes. Others might drink only at places where the bartender is a childhood friend and a misguided sense of loyalty might persuade him or her to risk closure and/or heavy fines in order to keep the drinks flowing past the legally mandated hour.But few of us are likely to be as dedicated to keeping the night alive as one British student -- pictured in the inset -- was. The 18-year-old was attending a party in the student residence and had drank six beers, along with some vodka and whiskey when his friends decided they had had enough of him and told him to go home and sleep it off.Presumably at the stage of intoxication where not even this not-so-subtle invitation to leave was registering, the young Brit chose to fight for his inalienable right to party in a way that one might not expect from those out of ...
More About: Night , Call , Swallow

Chuck E. Cheesed Off: No booze, cursing or gang colors at kiddie's restaura
2008-02-06 13:00:00
Long before Ratatouille came out and made the thought of rodents in the kitchen anything less than disgusting and a sure sign that the proprietor needs to have the lights dimmed and a board of health sign hung in the window, the rat-themed Chuck E. Cheese was welcoming in children of all ages (though single men over 40 going there would be met with a raised eyebrow) to munch down on unwholesome food and run their parents to the poorhouse requesting quarters to play their endless supply of arcade games.Those of us who grew up on the Canadian side of the Canadian-US border will recall with varying levels of fondness being trundled over to the place on a special occasion -- like the first time a "D" didn't stain a report card -- for meals. Indeed, in the 1980s, after mom and pop Canuck had finished making their contribution to the bankrupting of their country by cross-border shopping and filling up on cheap USA gas and smokes, they would often share their savings bounty with the kids ...
More About: Booze , Colors , Gang , Cursing

Good night, and good drunk: News Anchor weighed down by liquor
2008-02-04 13:00:00
It is best, when watching the evening news, to have pre-recorded it. That way you can skip through the horrors of the day and sports (unless you need to collect on Super Bowl bets) and catch only the good stuff like lottery results, the weather and, if you?re lucky, a report on somebody who has just turned 100 but can still dance the cha-cha-cha. The evening news, when carefully edited in this manner, can be almost enjoyable to watch.Of course, the role of the news anchor is essential to the proper enjoyment of a news broadcast. The entire effect of a news broadcast can be thrown off by a newscaster with a face that suggests he?s 60 and a dyed head of hair that suggests a tin of shoe polish applied liberally. A good set of teeth, as well as age appropriate hair and makeup (and in some cases eyewear or modest head accoutrements ? earrings, hair accessories etc ? in the case of a female broadcaster) are essential. A newscaster must also be able to maintain a steady, neutral tone, bant...
More About: News , Night , Drunk , Liquor , Good

Grand Theft Auto adds drinking & driving to assorted raping, pillaging, mas
2008-02-01 15:00:00
Researching our book, we chronicled four separate, er, pastoral DUI incidences in which suspects slowly trundled away from authorities on lawn mowers or tractors at speeds that wouldn't test the warranty fine-print of even the cheapest, Chinese-made pacemakers. Most recently, a Michigan man with a bellyful of wine braved a snowstorm on his John Deere, and was busted en route to a nearby store.Today's focus though, is on a related scourge affecting rural and urban culture alike-- violent video games, in particular the popular series Grand Theft Auto .Since youth culture emerged like so much acne, many a finger has been pointed at everything from the bikini, drag racing, to the broad chest of the guy who kicks sand in your face at the beach, and lately Facebook as the cause of whatever prevailing social ill. Now, the very latest calamity befalling youth culture appears to be the deviant, action adventure, role-playing game. [Editor's Note: We acknowledge, given the age of a typical ...
More About: Driving , Drinking

Drunk Driver Calls 911 on Self: Hello Wisconsin!
2008-01-30 15:00:00
As we've noted in previous posts, to the point of smacking our heads repeatedly against the steering wheel in frustration, we unequivocally, in no way whatsoever endorse impaired driving---our Top Ten Greatest Drinking & Driving Anthems of All Time referring solely to the soundtrack of a drunken, Grand Theft Auto game in the confines of one's moldy basement.That being said, we've taken great pleasure here in pointing out the folly of those who do get behind the wheel blotto and while this may not garner any favor with those who fly red ribbons from their antennae, we'd be hypocrites if we claimed otherwise---as authors of a sizable chapter in our book entitled, Contents May Shift in Transit: Drunk and on the Move.In a subsection of the above, Chariots of Firewater no less, we noted a drunk driver in Germany who got sidetracked with a flat, and in a breach of male etiquette dictating that you change your own damn tire drunk or otherwise, decided to phone for help. In his comp...
More About: Driver , Calls , Wisconsin

Cage Match: Nicholas versus Kathleen Turner
2008-01-28 15:00:00
Call it 'low talker' versus 'slow talker'. Tranny-voiced has-been Kathleen Turner has apparently got actor Nicholas Cage, (who speaks slower than a phone sex operator with a thyroid condition), in her crosshairs."That stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems."Such invectives could just as easily be tossed Paul Anka's way, but it's 'problem-generator' Cage who doesn't come off too 'Super' in Turner's forthcoming autobiography, 'Send Yourself Roses', which also notes, while we're on the subject of physical appearance, teeth, etc: "I was no great beauty. I was a skinny woman with long legs, almost no boobs, good hair and bad teeth . . . the studio had a fake cover made for them, which was awkward. It changed my lips and the way I spoke. It was uncomfortable, too."In the soon-to-be-released tome, (which has nothing whatsoever to do with 'View' drunkard and War of the Roses co-star Danny Devito despite its s...
More About: Match , Versus , Fabio

Ground Control to Major Bombed? NASA says astronauts HAVEN'T drunk before m
2008-01-25 15:00:00
Apparently that 'one small step for man', and all subsequent steps, (and we're guessing space walks too) have been taken in a straight line.According to no less esteemed a publication than the New York Times (of 'all the news that'll fit between 13 inches of broadsheet' fame), there is "no evidence of crew members? going on space missions drunk or impaired by alcohol".This NASA decree, based on an anonymous online survey of 31 flight surgeons and 87 current astronauts done in the wake of the Lisa Nowak debacle, will finally put to bed any rumours of pie-eyed shenanigans where 'nobody can hear you scream', i.e, 'space' to the pop culture-averse. It's highly unlikely this, or any other announcement by NASA will phase conspiracy theorists though, who believe "astronauts" landed on a Hollywood sound stage and for all they know, might've been drunker than ushers at a monster truck rally while pulling their elaborate ruse. Airline pilots are much more used to such scrutiny, to...
More About: England , Astronauts , Ground , Drunk , Control

Drunk graffiti artist all washed up... and The Joker's Wild Life: Heath Led
2008-01-22 15:00:00
[From the recently spit-shined, mahogany editor's desk: This morning, we figured we'd steer clear of commenting on the early demise of the talented Heath Ledger as revelling in the morbid is more the province of the folks over at The Darwin Awards. So, we figured we'd focus on a different Australia n-themed story, a 'near death' one in this case.Hip hop is universal and responsible for much of the pop culture we do our best to shield our eyes from on a daily basis, ideally, with a ball cap pulled way down and a hoodie.It's given us, among other things: over-sized duds for fat and non-fat alike, athletic footwear thrown onto overhead wires to mark drug territory (a stern warning against crack dealers bold enough to ply their trade in penny loafers) and seizure inducing ditties. Purists often cite the four pillars that prop up the Temple of Hip Hop, which include DJing (of the type not done at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah when a drunk uncle yells out for 'Hotel California'), emce...
More About: Life , Graffiti , Artist , Wild

Got it Made in Japan: Tokyo teen's monster bar tab
2008-01-21 15:00:00
Getting a fake ID from that guy who will, once you've drunk yourself stupid in various lenient bars, supply you with a bogus highschool diploma, is a common rite of passage for many young keeners.More often than not these sorts of identification cards could not pass muster anywhere other than the All-blind and Half-smart Society's annual barbecue and booze-up, but the teens, long having exhausted the liquor cabinet of mom's secret stash of Baby Duck (for all our foreign readers, the worst plonk in the Great White North, unfit to scour sink basins in the southwestern part of France), go for it anyhow.In Japan recently, a 16-year-old raised the bar (and nearly bankrupted one) for under-aged drunken antics the world over when he sauntered into a Tokyo hostess club in the guise of a rich young playboy and began whooping it up in grand style.The teen, who the manager later said ordered drinks and spoke with hostesses as a man experienced in such matters would, and was presumably not a...
More About: Monster , Made , Mons