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Soon to be Dancing Behind Bars: Drunk Dancer Does a Backflip onto a Police
2008-05-12 13:00:00
For those of us who are not secretly pining to shimmy beneath the bright lights of Broadway, dancing in public is something that requires a considerable amount of inhibition-killing liquid courage to even consider. Before you can respond to an invitation to dance, you must first ensure that you are sufficiently drunk ? i.e. that you have reached the point where you can hit the dance floor fully confident that you will not sober up and realize what you?re doing mid-boogaloo.Drinking and dancing has its benefits though; providing you don?t slip on a puddle of beer, strutting your stuff on the dance floor slightly lowers your odds of going home alone. Slightly. However, there are some times when drunk dancing really only benefits the kind of people who chronicle and laugh at feats of drunken stupidity ? namely, well, us. A 25-year-old man in Australia ?s Northern Territory was drunk in a casino parking lot at 3am and felt the need to keep the party going. A paddy wagon and police car we...
More About: Dancing , Police , Drunk , Bars

UK Study Says One in Three Hungover at Work (Other Two Still Drunk)
2008-05-09 14:00:00
Before the manufacturing base took a hit, it was not uncommon for Johnny Lunchbox to take a hit of his own from time to time from a flask kept in a flannel pocket to help alleviate the drudgery of the assembly line. After some people stumbled into deep vats and others were left with one less limb with which to raise a pint, drinking on the job became seen as dangerous, and people were encouraged to save their heavy drinking for evening television viewing with the wife and kids.Now, with the greatest danger in most workplaces being the guy whose score you just topped in ?Scrabulous? giving you a sock in the jaw, people are once again seeing the benefits of a morning eye-opener followed up with a liquid lunch. According to a study by Norwich (kinda rhymes with porridge and that?s not the sort of thing it?s advisable to eat while hungover -- See our Hangover Tips) Union Healthcare in the UK, one in three employees has been to work with a hangover, while more than one in 10 reported bei...
More About: Study , Work , Drunk

Hillary Clinton Takes Shots, Not at Rival Obama but of Whiskey
2008-05-07 13:00:00
Based on the dismal two-term bargain basement presidency of George W, we can make this blanket statement: tipplers make better presidents than teetotalers as anyone up to this point, including notorious booze-hound Dick Nixon, has been a better president. Dubya, who was a lot more fun back when his nose was more full of the white stuff than a face-planting Picabo Street or when he indulged in the occasional brew, hasn't enjoyed a drop in nearly a decade (he was photographed at a 2007 summit in Germany, swilling a piss-poor non alcoholic 'near beer', a nearly punishable offense in that country, not to mention a product brewed by mediocre foreign rival Heineken that luckily didn't result in an international incident)The current crop of Oval Office aspirants, though, are no strangers to the odd bevvie, and currently reaching out to voters, by reaching for the occasional pint.Automaton former first lady Hillary has been urged to 'loosen up a bit' and is taking this to heart as she...
More About: Hillary Clinton , Obama , Shots , Clinton

Holy Christ in the Cornflakes! The Top 10 Oddball Jesus Sightings
2008-05-05 13:00:00
Unless you?re mixing your booze with a cupful of the communal Kool-Aid at a Ken Kesey-themed 60s night, it?s unlikely that getting drunk ? even on absinthe as a recent study revealed ? will lead to hallucinations. (Editor?s note: Spinning rooms don?t count in this regard, and neither does vision compromised because you just broke your glasses head-butting a vending machine). Only a drinker approaching last call (and not the one they ring the bell at the bar for) is likely to experience hallucinations, and thus most drinkers are denied the more mystical side of chemical enhancement that their hallucinogenic-eating peers enjoy. This past weekend, however, one pub drinker had a religious experience of sorts while out on the piss. The Daily Mail reported on how a taxi driver from Darlington ordered a bottle of cider and ?got goose pimples? when the waitress opened it and staring back at him from the foil on the neck was the face of Christ himself. "I have no doubt it is the face of J...
More About: Jesus , Sightings , Holy

Hopping MADD at Grand Theft Auto
2008-05-02 12:00:00
Gaming has suddenly vaulted into the world's third most popular solitary pursuit, second only to the more cost-effective, not to mention better bang for for your entertainment buck, masturbation, and of course, sleep---the latter engaged in to a lesser extent by gamers, the former much more so for reasons obvious to anyone but gamers.As we noted previously, in our post 'Drink & Drive your way through Grand Theft Auto ' the latest entry in the infamous Grand Theft Auto series has many critics wondering how many more banana peels line that already slippery slope toward social upheaval, not to mention a full-on revival of Vaudeville comedy.The world's foremost ribbon dissemination organization, Mothers Against Drunk Driving ha recently petitioned the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) to "reclassify Grand Theft Auto IV as an 'Adults Only' title" in reaction to the inclusion of drunk driving in the role-playing game, which allows you to basically run the gamut of antiso...

Bear Stern: Ursa Major Mauls Mashed Mom and Have A Shark Sandwich on Us: Th
2008-04-30 15:00:00
When a tiger nearly made an ?uno? out of the duo Siegfried & Roy, the effete conjurer Siegfried did not heed this clear warning that wild animals do not belong in the world of men in sequined jumpsuits, but rather insisted that the tiger that mauled his sidekick was "protecting rather than attacking him". A similarly baffling disconnect from reality guided the life of the sad lunatic Timothy Treadwell, subject of Werner Herzog?s documentary ?Grizzly Man?, who took Winnie The Pooh as cinema verite and decided to spend his summers among grizzly bears. He didn?t survive his final trip, because, having been lulled into a false sense of security by previous trips when bears had not packed their lunchboxes with his innards, he didn?t bring along the arsenal that we would assume mandatory for such a camp-out: a portable drum of bear spray, sticks of dynamite to light and throw behind you when a bear doesn?t buy your ?play dead? routine, a tank etc. What makes these stories truly...
More About: Stern , Shark , Major , Sandwich , Bear

'Pub Angels' to Bring Florence Drunks Back to Earth
2008-04-28 15:00:00
Cross-cultural exchanges programs allow students to gain a deeper appreciation of other cultures, to step outside the bounds of the familiar and explore? Ah, who we are kidding, student-exchange programs are mostly about getting drunk and hopefully laid in some place other than that listed on your beginner?s driver?s license. As such, the ?cultural exchanges? taking place may not be what mom and pop read about in promotional literature for these programs. Take for example the type of ?cultural exchange? currently happening in Florence , Italy. Florence, along with Rome, has seen a strong influx of students from the UK and US who spend a term of their studies over there. While these students might take a recipe for a knock-out pasta fagioli with them and be able to make an Italian person feel at home by cursing them in their native tongue, the citizens in Florence get to witness their drinking culture go from one of reserved imbibing to the more violent, binge-drinking style of bo...
More About: Earth , Angels , Back

Mile Pie-Eyed Club: Drunk Duct Taped to his Seat
2008-04-25 15:00:00
Duct tape has many uses as you?ll know from jokes that have been hammered into the ground on a certain show set in a hunting lodge and based on the premise that men are, at the end of the day, basically stupid and that this observation contains enough material to mine for an eternity. In less family-friendly venues, duct-tape is most commonly used to seal the gobs of hostages to keep them from hollering for their freedom as they?re dumped into the trunk of a Cadillac. Your more sadistic baddies will let said hostage grow a moustache first, make sure that the tape covers it, and then, once in a soundproof room, inquire ?What?s that you?re trying to say? I can?t quite hear you?, before ripping it off in one cruel tug and eliciting screams from the captive. But duct-tape is not just for villains. It can be a tool for good as well, and just today was employed to restrain a troublemaker on a flight from Hong Kong to Los Angeles. Details are sketchy so far, however what?s clear is that...
More About: Seat , Drunk , Club , Mile

Toothpaste for Boozehounds: Get your choppers your whitest, with wine, whis
2008-04-23 15:00:00
For the average boozehound, dredging themselves out of bed and scraping a toothbrush across their hairy tongue, is part of the pre-work grooming regimen (after dousing less than fragrant loafers with the remainder of a bottle of cologne).The taste of toothpaste though, is second only to a whiff of the previous night's poisons when it comes to potentially launching that morning bagel into an anti-gravity, toilet-bound trajectory. So, it's a wonder that at Toothpaste world.com, speaking of gravity, you can procure all sorts of boozy flavors that would turn your stomach worse than a NASA gyroscope. Michigan dentist and self-professed 'toothpaste collector' Val Kolpakov features American-produced bourbon, whiskey, wine, and for the high-rolling set, champagne flavors.Why these exist is anyone's guess, as the market for people looking to give themselves booze breath when they're not drinking is likely a small one and those who are drinking would like to rid themselves of it. Of in...
More About: Wine , Whitest

Cheap Beer in Somalia: Website Lists Prices of Pints Around the World
2008-04-21 15:00:00
Air travel is becoming more affordable and places that had been shut off from the rest of the world are opening up ? like the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan for example, or Hamilton, Ontario Canada. But what good is visiting another country unless we know beforehand exactly how much a pint of beer will cost when we get there? Thankfully, UK tabloid The Sun helpfully directed the attention of its readers today to www.pintprice.com, a website that allows users to find out the price of a pint of suds in various places around the world.The website also lists the countries with the cheapest and most expensive ales in the world. Unfortunately, the cheapest beer, 10p (20 cents) a glass, is to be found in places to which your travel insurance is unlikely to extend, like the Congo and Somalia or locales so inaccessible that even the natives have forgotten how their ancestors made the trip originally like Tuvalu in the Pacific Islands. Monaco tops the list of countries that we?ll never visit ? ...
More About: Website , World , Beer , Lists , Around the world

Punch Drunk in Aisle One: Barfly Picks Fight with Boxing Coach at Shop
2008-04-18 15:00:00
In boxing parlance, a "tomato can" is a hand-picked schlub brought in to go a few rounds with the champ, whose odds of scoring an upset are comparable to say, Madison, Wisconsin landing the next games of the Olympiad.While these guys are technically professional fighters, at least when they're not earning a living as roofers, drywallers and doing other jobs that don't require a background check, it's not uncommon for the town drunk to take one glassy-eyed look at one of these soft around the midriff ham 'n' eggers and think to themselves, "I could take 'em"--especially if he's facing the other way and I'm swinging a barstool. It's no accident then that "punch drunk" has become part of the lexicon as we'll see in this story. A London man, on the back end of a two-day drink and cocaine-fueled bender, ?weekends? as Keith Richards calls ?em, walked up to a fellow shopper, 23, and accused him of "gie' in evils? to him. The shopper tried to ignore him (having no clue what ?...
More About: Boxing , Fight , Drunk , Shop

Hallelujah! Now Pass the Beer Nuts: Ministry to Open in Bar
2008-04-16 15:00:00
Barring getting lost on the way back from an after-hours bar and popping into one to grab a nap on the way home, it is unlikely that you will see either of the Shark Guys occupying church pew space on a Sunday morning. That said, this story did nearly cause a religious conversion of Paul on the Road to Damascus-like power. It was later determined that the bright lights we thought we saw and errantly attributed to a beacon from a celestial lighthouse were caused by a combination of dehydration and standing up too fast. Pope Benedict XVI (Return of the Robed One) is currently on his first visit to the US, which has the third-largest Catholic population in the world ? this is a fact made most clear in Mafia movies in which gangsters, despite being pimps, killers and thieves of the worst order, can still be counted on to put on a clean shirt for little Antoinette?s baptism. The pope?s goal this time round is to inject a little enthusiasm into a faith knocked sideways by the scandals...
More About: Beer , Open , Hallelujah , Ministry , Pass

Blue Jays Fans Balk at Beer Ban
2008-04-14 15:00:00
The typical baseball game lasts about as long as The Godfather parts I and II, with long periods of inactivity punctuated by short bursts to the bathrooms to piss out all the suds used to down all the peanuts in the gallery. In these cheap seats, especially during a "pitcher's duel" (baseball parlance for when even less than the nothing that usually happens, happens) the combination of heat stroke and freely flowing beer results in normally staid Toronto fans turning into warring savages in the upper deck.Before the Jays moved into their cozy, retractable domed-roof confines, they occupied an outdoor stadium situated right by the lake, and on a typical opening day the "Boys of Summer" would be fielding ground balls in a snowdrift. During these lean years, it was nearly impossible to bear those temperatures without ingesting a Great Lake's worth of booze (picture the loogan in the accompanying photo clutching a stubby bottle of an aged Molson product and you'll get an idea of how ...
More About: Fans , Beer , Blue Jays , Blue

An Inconvenient Truth for Boozers: Global Warming Threatens Beer Supply!
2008-04-12 03:00:00
Many who saw ?An Inconvenient Truth ? left the theatre with one clear thought: I need a drink. The motivation for this would vary among viewers ? for some it was the idea that they had just laid out their hard-earned entertainment dollar for the kind of thing that should have been on PBS, for others the combination of the dulcet tones of the former vice-president with all those bloody graphs and maps, and for others the impending doom that it preached was right on our doorstep. Regardless, it was nice to knock back a few cold ones when that one was over, blast the air-con, and content oneself with the knowledge that the globe was not that warm yet (this something that Canadians who suffered through one hell of a winter this year would also attest to).The causes of global warming are debatable ?scientists, maybe hoping for an honorable mention the next time the Nobels are handed out, have weighed in on this one by suggesting that it is caused by everything from the Olympic Torch to, u...
More About: Global Warming , Beer , Global , An Inconvenient Truth

Smoking Bans Increase DUI rates: Of Cancer sticks and stick shifts
2008-04-09 15:00:00
Cigarettes and alcohol make a natural pairing. Before cigarettes were invented, people's non-drinking hand would be used to say, illustrate a point about macro economic theory or indicate 'two more please' while the other would be tested keeping the contents of the glass level as your bar legs gave way.In fact, many vices go together quite naturally, such as pulling the slot machine lever while taking copious sips of complimentary cranberry-based cocktails, or using a pint of your favorite lager to down a nighttimes' worth of pharmaceutical pleasures, while laying down $5 bets on whether the next person to enter a bar was male or female. In the first study of its kind, a study in the Journal of Public Economics (a real page turner, especially if you're doing hard time and have reading materials restricted) looked at the relationship between the recent spate of smoking bans and DUI rates and the results have anti-smoking advocates fuming. Researchers from the University of Wisc...
More About: Cancer , Wisconsin , Smoking , Stick , Rates

Cheap Booze Shoplifter: ?You?re calling the cops over four beers??
2008-04-08 03:00:00
Who out there hasn?t, while gazing upon some luxury item that is beyond one?s means ? a bottle of fine perfume perhaps, or a lady-in-a-bikini bottle opener ? thought, ?Would that it could be mine, but alas, I don?t have the requisite funds. If only I had the guts to steal it.? Barring a stint in our teens during which we may or may not have stolen anything that wasn?t nailed down, however, most of us feel that shoplifting is wrong ? even when it?s a big corporation that couldn?t possibly miss one little item ? or we just don?t want to be embarrassed by being hauled into some backroom and put under the bright lights for an interrogation by mall cops, so we either go without or go into debt when it comes to the things we want. Call it nature, nurture, or Florida, but some people are unrepentant when it comes to availing themselves of the five-finger discount. A woman in Crestview Florida walked into a Tom Thumb 81 grocery store on Sunday, went straight for the cooler, pulled out ...
More About: Booze , Cops , Calling , Cheap , Beers

Help Wanted: $14 / Hour Boozehound
2008-04-04 15:00:00
Everyone has a dream job, whether it's stuffing envelopes in the comfort of your own bathrobe, or walking dogs for the elderly in the hopes that advancing senility will result in an inheritance accidentally willed your way.For the drinking set, the definition of a dream job is simply one whose rigors can be forgotten as soon as they've skipped off two hours early for a 'dentist appointment' that involves convening at the billiard hall happy hour.For the seasoned boozer, whose grocery bills are regularly eclipsed by liquor store hauls, scouring want ads for new employment is daunting, especially as emergency savings are pissed away buying rounds for the lady who tap dances on the bar.A Winsor, England man, posted a gig that is by any tippler's definition, a dream job, and one that, like the forklift guy in the warehouse who spins around in circles, involves drinking on the job (and not the kind of 'get paid to drink' gig that requires a CAT scan or your ability to memorize c...
More About: Wanted , Hour , Help Wanted

Soccer Player DUI Bust En Route to Practice
2008-04-02 15:00:00
If you're in a bar and dragged into a discussion over what constitutes a sport and the waitress can't come quickly enough with your bill so that you can extricate yourself from the situation--- without suffering a pounding headache in addition to the one you've already sustained from the pitchers of stale beer--here are two definitions that will serve you well:1. If you perspire during play, it's a sport (this disqualifies baseball and cricket).[Editor's note: If the horse perspires, this doesn't count. If you're playing patio darts and you perspire, it doesn't count either] 2. If you're able to quaff a beer without interrupting the course of play, it's not a sport (this includes bowling, darts and the aforementioned baseball and cricket).That being said, this doesn't diminish the athletic achievements of one John Daly, spotlighted earlier in the first installment of our Boozing Athletes series, whose ability to swing a golf club while simultaneously pinching the bottoms ...
More About: Soccer , Player , Practice , Bust , Route

Root Beer Kegger: The Beer was Fake, the Breathalysers were real.
2008-03-31 15:00:00
This past weekend undoubtedly saw its share of keg parties in residential neighborhoods throughout North America. Someone's parents nip off to somewhere tropical to forget for one all-inclusive week the burdens of home, and return to wrecked furniture, raised insurance premiums and a permanently shaken faith in young squire Johnny's sense of responsibility.On any other day, we'd be chronicling the unholy aftermath of one of those parties (which mostly ends up on Facebook), or at least lending our support to the move to see drinking ages lowered and thus spare Ma Suburbs from having to discover a pile of forgotten a few months after the last foam has been sucked out of a keg.Today, however, we'd like to salute the actions of some Wisconsin teens (not the ones pictured here, who would indeed be arriving on a very short bus indeed if still attending high school at their ages) who threw a keg party on Saturday -- one in which 1919 Classic American Draft Root Beer was on tap. Before...
More About: Fake , Real , Breathalyzer

Livin' on a Prayer: Bon Jovi Guitarist DUI plus, a Salute to the 5 Worst Bo
2008-03-28 14:00:00
In the spirit of kickin' 'em when they're down, we thought we'd lace 'em up and give a solid punt to the arse of everyone's favorite crap-rock poster boys, Bon Jovi in this, another of our 'music and booze-themed' postings.'Jovi Guitarist Ritchie Sambora, pictured here, and looking in decidedly poorer shape than ex squeeze Heather Lochlear was recently arrested for DUI in Laguna Beach California. So, to honor the band, and also in the spirit of celebrating the worst of everything, we've decided to put together a tribute, of sorts, to Bon Jovi, the world?s most famous Bruce Springsteen tribute band.Early on in their career as Bruce, they discovered that their slice of the bar receipts pie was wafer thin (to mix food metaphors) and that they should ditch their E Street Band and streamline their line-up to the dismal arena wimp-rock quartet that you see today.This was after the unceremonious booting of bass player Alec John Such, because he ?couldn?t play his instrument??a r...
More About: Prayer , Top Ten , Salute

Top 10 'Bar' Songs of all time (Part II)
2008-03-26 14:00:00
As we laid out like a nacho platter in Part One of our ?Top Ten Bar Songs of All Time ?, bars have contributed more to our culture than simply being a convenient place to cash your social assistance check, meet your bookie and punch out your landlord. Bars provide a setting for some choice inner faith jokes involving priests, rabbis and other assorted holy men, as well as, depending on the joke, grasshoppers, parakeets and a foul-mouthed frog that tap dances on the edge of pint glasses (we?ll tell you that one over a beer). And more to the point of this list, they have also provided a setting for some excellent songs. We?re not talking about songs that are almost exclusively heard in bars ? but rather those that specifically reference bar and pub life. We?d like to think that each item on this list was scribbled on a cocktail napkin by a genius songwriter who was hopelessly drunk at the time of its composition. We?d also like to think that said genius then passed out in a poo...

Top 10 'Bar' Songs of All Time! (Part I)
2008-03-24 14:00:00
Some songs have become bar anthems. You hear ?Born in the USA? or ?You Shook Me all Night Long? anywhere other than a bar and you wonder why you?re not in some reeking dive, clutching a glass of draft, while chatting up a thoroughly disinterested party and eating from a plate of peanuts containing more germs than the handles on the urinals. We recognize that these songs make an important contribution to one?s elbow-tilting atmosphere, however we reckon that enough attention has been paid to every one of them (and that they each have almost reached their limit when it comes to Internet derision). What we?d like to focus on instead are songs that are actually set in bars. The writers of these songs, for the most part, were the sort who followed the advice of ?Write what you know?; they looked around, saw that they were in a bar and wrote the following classic tunes. All of these songs are either set in a bar, or make heavy reference to pub life. To actually sit down and pen a song...
More About: Songs , Time , Part

On St. Patrick's Day Even the Crack is Green
2008-03-21 14:00:00
On Monday, we presented our Tips on How to Put Some Irish into Your St. Patrick?s Day. Number five on that list was: ?Don?t just stop at green beer: On St. Patrick?s Day, not only should your beer be dyed green, but so should your infant?s milk, your pets, your elderly relations and your shrubbery (any exotic species you may have that is not already green by nature).? What follows may be sheer coincidence or it may point to the fact that we hold sway with a group not often considered a target demographic by any legitimate businesspeople: crack dealers.Police in Marietta, Georgia arrested five suspects for ?peddling green crack on St. Patrick?s Day?. We normally don?t cover the goings-on in the wide wild world of hard drugs, mainly because the book we wrote focused on tales of drunken excess and pound-for-pound tales of crack-rock-induced derring-do just aren?t as funny, however in this case we've decided to make an exception in honor of this festive time of year. Underco...
More About: Green , Crack

Digging that Bronze Age Booze Find
2008-03-19 14:00:00
If Darwin were alive today, he?d be 200 years old and fielding questions about how he cheated death, perhaps on the daytime talk circuit. He would've also born witness to the 'my great aunt was Irish and now I'm going to sport a fatuous plastic hat that I can later vomit into' that passes for St Patrick's Day on these shores.Observing such debauchery would leave little doubt in anyone's mind (unless you?re Mike Huckabee) that humans are basically just like other animals. One of us actually witnessed a trail of vomit that spanned the entire length of a subway car, and though we?re not gastroenterologists, judging by the puke?s fluid state, whoever did that should likely see one?or at least supplement their diet with a bit of fiber, perhaps all-bran. By archaeological accounts, humans, prior to sullying mass transit and other public places with their innards, have been getting blotto for nearly 6000 years. The Bronze Age was a time, not only of unheeded dermatological warnings ...
More About: Booze , Find

The Shark Guys? Tips on How to Put Some "Irish" into Your St. Patrick's Day
2008-03-17 14:00:00
To drinkers, St. Patrick's Day is an occasion that holds an almost religious significance. In fact, some drunk in a bar many St. Patrick's Days ago once told us that the occasion was rooted in some sort of Catholic tradition. He described a highly improbable scenario involving snakes having infested Ireland, and a saint named Patrick coming along to drive them out like some sort of pest control superman. Being that this entire business reminded us of an awful Jon Voight movie out of theaters by then that we had hoped to put out of our minds as well, we proceeded to move to the other end of the bar. Guinness brewery has been pushing the idea of making St. Paddy's an official holiday, and we are all for it, but even if they're not successful, to us St. Patrick's Day still has a special status -- we call it "Drunk's Easter" -- and it would be a disservice to our readers and a slight on the Irish ancestry of one of the authors if we did not pay tribute to this day by stopping on o...
More About: Tips , Shark , Guys

John Daly Brings Balls to Golf
2008-03-14 14:00:00
Golf is a unique sport. Its playing surface to goal/hole/end-zone ratio is ENORMOUS. If soccer were golf, and its goal kept in proportion, one team would have to hail a cab to get the ball anywhere near the opposition's net.A cup diameter of a golf hole is the size of a billiards pocket, yet its playing surface requires geography of Neverland Ranch proportions. If billiards were like that, Minnesota Fats wouldn't be.Golfing is also unlike any other sport in that motorized vehicles are used outside the context of, say, racing them. Let's suppose a rugby player didn't much feel like running between scrums. If rugby were golf, he'd simply hop in a cart and lazily putter around the pitch.In Canada, where the ground is frozen solid for at least nine months a year, players risk frostbite on the links if they can't jump-start their carts. In fact, the weather is so uninhabitable generally, that during the winter months, the most infirm, out of shape, and elderly segment of the popula...
More About: Golf , John , Balls , John Daly

Teen Girl DUI: Drunk driver, 14, with mom in car
2008-03-12 12:00:00
Whether it?s wowing Guitar Hero?s aging demographic with one?s innate ability to shred, making the competition look like dunderheads in a spelling bee or doing complex mathematical equations on the back of a Hello Kitty lunchbox, we live in a society where precociousness, however smug-seeming and nauseating it is for those without kids, is celebrated.This sort of admiration carries over to a certain extent in manners of drinking. We all admired the kind of guy who was capable of out-drinking our parents when he was 15, and, years later, we?re happy to tip him for giving the windshield a good scrub when we go in for a fill-up. But this respect does not extend to youthful drunk drivers. If there is an upside to drunk-driving, or, as we call it, the orange pylon obstacle course home from the bar, it?s that most of the time those committing this offence are older, and thus benefit somewhat from more experience behind the wheel ? this to be judged in proportion with the fact that they ma...
More About: Driver , Girl , Drunk

Drunk Tank-Driver Smashes House in Vodka Run
2008-03-10 14:00:00
In The Shark Book, we devoted an entire chapter, ?Hard Corps Drunk s: The Few, The Brave, The Blotto? to the exploits in liquid form of those in uniform ? among them a young recruit nearly blinded while playing a boozy game of ?fireball hockey? [it?s aptly named] at an Army base, and a navy man whose fecal foray onto shore left a bad impression, and a bad smell in town.But possibly the most shocking of all of these, or at least the one that you would expect the firing squad to start tuning up for, was the sale of a tank by Russia n army forces to their Chechen enemies for around 8,000 bucks after the two opposing sides voted for peace by laying down their weapons and drinking their faces off together for an afternoon. That story and another about a Russian soldier who stole a dinghy from the merchant ship he was on and nearly perished at sea in violent weather just to procure some vodka on land are both instructive preludes to the following.The cold Russian winters no doubt gave the s...
More About: House , Driver , Tank

Drunk Elvis Impersonator 'All Shook Up' in court
2008-03-07 13:00:00
A few years back, we found a rental car company that didn?t charge extra for mileage and proceeded to make them rethink that policy by striking out on an impromptu 1300 mile trip from Toronto to New Orleans with a couple of buddies. En route, we took in the best of what the southern US has to offer: happily clogging arteries with their delicious early-grave food, spending more than one late night boozing it up on Nashville?s main strip, and also doing the tourist guidebook stuff that involved sites near and dear to our hearts like the Jack Daniels distillery and Johnny Cash?s house in Hendersonville Tennessee. We were disappointed to see that the latter was closed to the public upon our arrival, but heartened when we saw a sign across the street for something called ?Trinity Music City, USA?. Alas, this enthusiasm was premature. ?Trinity Music City, USA? is what Conway Twitty's Xanadu-like compound ?Twitty City? was renamed when the Christian Trinity Broadcasting Company overt...
More About: Elvis , Drunk , Impersonator , Court , Breathalyzer

24 Hour Party People: UK decides to keep all-night drinking law
2008-03-05 15:00:00
On Monday, we covered the growing movement in the US questioning the logic of why someone who is legally able to ruin their lives in so many ways ? ie get married, fight in wars, shoot off firearms, vote, star in a porno and obtain a mortgage ? is not allowed the freedom to legally get drunk and bemoan the terrible choices they have made in these areas. We support the lowering of the drinking age in the US even if it means that our border towns in Canada will no longer be overflowing with American college students tearing a path of destruction through our hotels and getting to know the lap dance providers at strip clubs on a first-name basis.The drinking situation in Britain is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Eighteen-year-olds there can belly up to the bar, order a whiskey straight up with no ice, and put up with the laughter and derision of the hardened drinkers around them as they choke it back ? and it?s all perfectly legal. Beer at the supermarkets is cheaper than...
More About: People , Party , Night , Drinking , Hour