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Welsh Criminals Asked: ?Court or a Pub Ban?? Answer: ?Good morning your hon
2008-06-06 13:00:00
Booze and really sloppy crime seem to go hand-in-hand. We?ve documented this heavily in ?The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death (and other true tales of drunken debauchery?, particularly in the section ?Crime Doesn?t Pay Your Bar Tab?, and we?re presented with constant reminders of the truth of it on a regular basis. Drunk criminals, it must be said, do offer society the bonus of being easy to catch, both because they?re quick to lose their wind when chased and also because they ? like the drunk in our book who left a trail of red paint running from the bank he had just robbed to the pub where he was drinking up his haul ? are just really not the most formidable criminal masterminds of our times. If you?re a proprietor of a bar, the sheer volume of drunks you have to deal with pretty much guarantees that you will come into contact with at least one arsehole a day, and if you?re really unlucky, said arsehole will have a similar outlook in like to that of Irvine Welsh ?s hellish creat...
More About: Answer , Morning , Good , Court

Nanny State in an Uproar Over Generous Jagermeister 'Spirit Dwarf'
2008-06-04 15:00:00
Bars and booze companies have all sorts of ways to facilitate that all important transition between bottle and gut. Liquor companies quite often engage the services of good looking people stuck in that gray middle world between legitimate modeling work and chrome pole duty at the local Gawk and Whistle to hand out samples of their product, while refusing requests for phone numbers as politely as they can. For some reason, these sorts of promotions don?t make headline news or inspire the wrath of politicians, but you put just one muscular dwarf in a tophat and? A pub in Melbourne Australia called ?The Saint? caused a hubbub recently when it hired a dwarf to walk up and down the length of the bar with a bottle of Jagermeister from which he'd pour shots into the expectant gobs of pub-goers. Two possible causes of concern with this would be, first the lawsuit that would likely result if the unnamed dwarf in the photos slipped on the bar and injured himself. (Editor's On-A-Tange...
More About: Nanny , State , Nanny State , Spirit

Russian Drunk Forgets Small Fortune on Train : Six reasons why the attendan
2008-06-02 13:00:00
Many Canadian children will recall having their mittens sewn onto the sleeves of their jackets in the winter. This was a practical measure on the part of parents, as mittens would otherwise be lost when a youngster drops them in a rushed attempt to fire a snowball at a moving target ? like, say, a school bus or a police car ? the kind of throw that requires nimble fingers unencumbered by mittens. We sometimes wish there were something similar for drunk adults, but we have yet to come up with a way of tying one?s mobile phone, wallet and house keys to one?s person without looking like the guy who gets the rubber hook at the institution?s yearly fishing trip. What most of us lose while we?re out on the piss though rarely amounts to more than can fall out of a person?s pocket while horizontal in the back of a taxi. A drunk passenger on a train in Volgograd, Russia, however, forgot more than just a box of Chiclets and his membership card to the meat of the month club when he disembarked...
More About: Russian , Fortune , Train , Drunk , Small

New Coke Vitamin Water (Bottle of snake oil not included)
2008-05-30 14:00:00
Tales of Coke 's ability to dissolve a set of choppers in a glass overnight or to put a sheen on a rust-stained kitchen sink might be urban legends (we ended up eating the T-bone we had soaking in a vat of the stuff, so we can't comment conclusively on that one, but don't recommend this method of preparation to diabetics), there is no doubt that the soft drink has ruined many alcoholic beverages. As far as we're concerned, Coke is the sine qua non wimp-additive for those who can't handle their liquor, and responsible for ruining otherwise perfectly good rum. You can distinguish the coke-base drunk from your typical drunk by the rotten teeth that accompany his pickled liver in his golden years.The "Cuba Libre", (or Rum & Coke) as it's known in countries, such as Canada, where freedom of mobility rights extend to actually visiting there whenever you choose, is the world's most popular highball though the "Coke" part is usually abandoned for straight rum by the time the tast...
More About: Snake , Water , Vitamin , Bottle

Big Deal: Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) Switches to Paper Bags, Ma
2008-05-28 13:00:00
When it comes to purchasing alcoholic bevvies in our home province, there is only one game in town and that is the retail equivalent of Dodge Ball, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO). When Ontarians speak of going to "The Beer Store", or "The Liquor Store" it is not due to some inherent Canadian fondness for speaking in generalities, but an actual trademark reflecting the incredible heights of the government's creativity.The LCBO holds a government monopoly over the sale of alcohol. To suggest that this should be otherwise is practically a form of apostasy and categorically dismissed not only by the folks who benefit from such an arrangement (the cashiers who lug your cold ones out of storage for $29 an hour in the case of the Beer Store), but by digit waggers who believe that corner store hawkers would be less than diligent about checking for ID (kinda like R Kelly) and that society would descend into oil-drum fire burning, Hobbesian lawlessness.Of course, these are the sa...
More About: Bags , Deal , Paper

Beer as Fuel, and not just for your drunk Uncle Lou's awkward advances
2008-05-26 14:00:00
In a previous blog, we drove home the true threat posed by global warming. Several polar bears may have been set off on that great ice-floe journey from which there is no return since that posting; however, the danger that we were pointing out looms large much closer to home ? as close as your basement fridge ? the possibility of a global beer crisis due to a lack of barley. The warming of the planet, combined with a supply-side crisis, has also resulted in a short supply of hops in the US. Microbreweries, faced with less available hops, a key ingredient in their product, have taken to jacking up their prices, and, unless there is a change in the situation, we may be forced to either pay through the nose or agree with those who taunt us for drinking microbrews and settle for whatever is cheap and available because, after all, beer is beer. This is the kind of news that is best met drunk. A recent TV news report suggested that beer is recession proof, and we would tend to agree. A fe...
More About: Fuel , Beer , Drunk , Uncle

Champions League Beer Shortage: Brits Drink Moscow Dry
2008-05-23 14:30:00
A common complaint leveled against soccer is that it's boring. Meanwhile, nobody bothers issuing the same critique about baseball, where the guys hawking Amstel get more of a workout running up and down the aisles plying semi-conscious onlookers with cheap suds than the various mesomorphs manning the field and where the play -- which is about as frenetic as a Van Gogh still life -- is interrupted so that a pitcher can practice.No other sport we're aware of, save for highly competitive mobster bocce ball, allows the flow of action to grind to a halt so that one of the participants can get in a proper warm up while eyelids flutter. Basketball players don't stand around while play stops as a guy who previously temperature-controlled the bench with his arse hoists a few shots at the hoop and soccer players don't lounge about so a substitute, who's just finished wowing middle-aged housewives with sideline calisthenics, can come onto the pitch and take a few practice kicks.[Editor...
More About: Champions League , Drink , Moscow , Beer , Champions

French Happy Hour not so 'appy after all
2008-05-21 15:00:00
As we've pointed out a few times here, we're Canadian and many Canadians take great pains to explain to bored foreigners who could not give two shits otherwise: we're much different from Americans. For example, the Great White North, for those of you who don't know, is an officially bilingual state, though in reality English speakers are much more well-versed in what's known as "Cereal box French ". For our American friends, this refers to French language proficiency a well-fed gorilla could comfortably master in sign language, and that might lead the average tourist to a bathroom or the nearest lost and found should they be parachuted into Basse Normandie.Colloquially, it refers to an ability to do little more in "The Language of Love that's not Italian" than read the back of a cereal box and determine its ingredients (say, if peanut products, a plastic inhalable toy or trans fats are contained therein) but would not get you off with Juliet Binoche if you met her in a bar.For ...
More About: Germany , Happy Hour , Happy , Russia

Get 'Em When They're Young: Brewery draws fire for billboard outside primar
2008-05-19 13:00:00
One of the more ghoulish sounding objectives in marketing is the drive to create cradle-to-the-grave consumers. A mind that is still in its formative stages and that does not yet have the capacity to think critically or to visit the website Snopes.com is likely to believe anything, whether it?s religious hullabaloo popularized by ancient tribesman who had yet to understand the germ theory of disease, or the idea that McDonald?s is actually selling something that might fall into one of the four food groups. Indeed, the latter knows that if you include a cheap plastic toy with a youngster?s nutrient-vacant meal, you create a positive impression in that child?s mind and ? if he doesn?t? end up reading ?Fast Food Nation? and swearing off that kind of food forever ? he?ll likely end up cutting out Mickey D?s coupons out of his newspaper when he?s 45 and about to become a checkmark next to the ?grave? portion of the cradle-to-the-grave idea. Then there are those companies who take matt...
More About: Young , Fire , Billboard

The Top Bouncers of All Time!
2008-05-16 15:00:00
If your job description includes being able to thrash someone within an inch of their miserable lives and doing so with impunity while enjoying the odd drink on the job, you're either a cop or a bouncer. Recently, we shone the spotlight on everyone's favorite enablers, bartenders, in our Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time , but what of the guys whose job it is to look menacing and keep raging, violent drunks on the other side of the velvet rope (so they can beat up random strangers, instead of the good folks who patronize your pub)?Bouncers, like cops, are there to maintain the status quo: ensuring that the good-looking, monied classes get preferential treatment and aren't made to shuffle their feet with the rest of the lumpenproles in line, however this isn't their sole responsibility: they're also called upon to do the kind of math long forgotten since the 5th grade: being able to calculate how old someone is, simply by looking at the date of birth on their authentic, stat...

Getting Pie-Eyed on Pizza Flavored Beer and Other Strange Brews
2008-05-14 15:00:00
Recently we covered booze-flavored toothpaste, just the thing for those looking to spruce up in the morning by brushing their teeth with something that will give them an instant and sickening reminder of the 11 highballs from the night prior. More common is the trend towards making alcohol-related products taste like something else ? hence the rise of alcopops and various other beverages that are commonly ordered by girl drink drunks. Beer manufacturers are doing this by adding ingredients to their brews to excite the Budweiser-deadened tastebuds of your average guzzler, and, in some cases, to test their gag reflexes. Pizza -flavored beer seems like the type of unorthodox brew that would do the latter, as, up until this point, the only pizza-flavored beer familiar to the recreational boozer has been the end of the night palette clearing, known in some circles as ?bending and sending? or more commonly blowing biscuits. However, according to this review from the Fairfield County Weekly...
More About: Strange

Soon to be Dancing Behind Bars: Drunk Dancer Does a Backflip onto a Police
2008-05-12 13:00:00
For those of us who are not secretly pining to shimmy beneath the bright lights of Broadway, dancing in public is something that requires a considerable amount of inhibition-killing liquid courage to even consider. Before you can respond to an invitation to dance, you must first ensure that you are sufficiently drunk ? i.e. that you have reached the point where you can hit the dance floor fully confident that you will not sober up and realize what you?re doing mid-boogaloo.Drinking and dancing has its benefits though; providing you don?t slip on a puddle of beer, strutting your stuff on the dance floor slightly lowers your odds of going home alone. Slightly. However, there are some times when drunk dancing really only benefits the kind of people who chronicle and laugh at feats of drunken stupidity ? namely, well, us. A 25-year-old man in Australia ?s Northern Territory was drunk in a casino parking lot at 3am and felt the need to keep the party going. A paddy wagon and police car we...
More About: Dancing , Police , Drunk , Bars

UK Study Says One in Three Hungover at Work (Other Two Still Drunk)
2008-05-09 14:00:00
Before the manufacturing base took a hit, it was not uncommon for Johnny Lunchbox to take a hit of his own from time to time from a flask kept in a flannel pocket to help alleviate the drudgery of the assembly line. After some people stumbled into deep vats and others were left with one less limb with which to raise a pint, drinking on the job became seen as dangerous, and people were encouraged to save their heavy drinking for evening television viewing with the wife and kids.Now, with the greatest danger in most workplaces being the guy whose score you just topped in ?Scrabulous? giving you a sock in the jaw, people are once again seeing the benefits of a morning eye-opener followed up with a liquid lunch. According to a study by Norwich (kinda rhymes with porridge and that?s not the sort of thing it?s advisable to eat while hungover -- See our Hangover Tips) Union Healthcare in the UK, one in three employees has been to work with a hangover, while more than one in 10 reported bei...
More About: Study , Work , Drunk

Hillary Clinton Takes Shots, Not at Rival Obama but of Whiskey
2008-05-07 13:00:00
Based on the dismal two-term bargain basement presidency of George W, we can make this blanket statement: tipplers make better presidents than teetotalers as anyone up to this point, including notorious booze-hound Dick Nixon, has been a better president. Dubya, who was a lot more fun back when his nose was more full of the white stuff than a face-planting Picabo Street or when he indulged in the occasional brew, hasn't enjoyed a drop in nearly a decade (he was photographed at a 2007 summit in Germany, swilling a piss-poor non alcoholic 'near beer', a nearly punishable offense in that country, not to mention a product brewed by mediocre foreign rival Heineken that luckily didn't result in an international incident)The current crop of Oval Office aspirants, though, are no strangers to the odd bevvie, and currently reaching out to voters, by reaching for the occasional pint.Automaton former first lady Hillary has been urged to 'loosen up a bit' and is taking this to heart as she...
More About: Hillary Clinton , Obama , Shots , Clinton

Holy Christ in the Cornflakes! The Top 10 Oddball Jesus Sightings
2008-05-05 13:00:00
Unless you?re mixing your booze with a cupful of the communal Kool-Aid at a Ken Kesey-themed 60s night, it?s unlikely that getting drunk ? even on absinthe as a recent study revealed ? will lead to hallucinations. (Editor?s note: Spinning rooms don?t count in this regard, and neither does vision compromised because you just broke your glasses head-butting a vending machine). Only a drinker approaching last call (and not the one they ring the bell at the bar for) is likely to experience hallucinations, and thus most drinkers are denied the more mystical side of chemical enhancement that their hallucinogenic-eating peers enjoy. This past weekend, however, one pub drinker had a religious experience of sorts while out on the piss. The Daily Mail reported on how a taxi driver from Darlington ordered a bottle of cider and ?got goose pimples? when the waitress opened it and staring back at him from the foil on the neck was the face of Christ himself. "I have no doubt it is the face of J...
More About: Jesus , Sightings , Holy

Hopping MADD at Grand Theft Auto
2008-05-02 12:00:00
Gaming has suddenly vaulted into the world's third most popular solitary pursuit, second only to the more cost-effective, not to mention better bang for for your entertainment buck, masturbation, and of course, sleep---the latter engaged in to a lesser extent by gamers, the former much more so for reasons obvious to anyone but gamers.As we noted previously, in our post 'Drink & Drive your way through Grand Theft Auto ' the latest entry in the infamous Grand Theft Auto series has many critics wondering how many more banana peels line that already slippery slope toward social upheaval, not to mention a full-on revival of Vaudeville comedy.The world's foremost ribbon dissemination organization, Mothers Against Drunk Driving ha recently petitioned the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) to "reclassify Grand Theft Auto IV as an 'Adults Only' title" in reaction to the inclusion of drunk driving in the role-playing game, which allows you to basically run the gamut of antiso...

Bear Stern: Ursa Major Mauls Mashed Mom and Have A Shark Sandwich on Us: Th
2008-04-30 15:00:00
When a tiger nearly made an ?uno? out of the duo Siegfried & Roy, the effete conjurer Siegfried did not heed this clear warning that wild animals do not belong in the world of men in sequined jumpsuits, but rather insisted that the tiger that mauled his sidekick was "protecting rather than attacking him". A similarly baffling disconnect from reality guided the life of the sad lunatic Timothy Treadwell, subject of Werner Herzog?s documentary ?Grizzly Man?, who took Winnie The Pooh as cinema verite and decided to spend his summers among grizzly bears. He didn?t survive his final trip, because, having been lulled into a false sense of security by previous trips when bears had not packed their lunchboxes with his innards, he didn?t bring along the arsenal that we would assume mandatory for such a camp-out: a portable drum of bear spray, sticks of dynamite to light and throw behind you when a bear doesn?t buy your ?play dead? routine, a tank etc. What makes these stories truly...
More About: Stern , Shark , Major , Sandwich , Bear

'Pub Angels' to Bring Florence Drunks Back to Earth
2008-04-28 15:00:00
Cross-cultural exchanges programs allow students to gain a deeper appreciation of other cultures, to step outside the bounds of the familiar and explore? Ah, who we are kidding, student-exchange programs are mostly about getting drunk and hopefully laid in some place other than that listed on your beginner?s driver?s license. As such, the ?cultural exchanges? taking place may not be what mom and pop read about in promotional literature for these programs. Take for example the type of ?cultural exchange? currently happening in Florence , Italy. Florence, along with Rome, has seen a strong influx of students from the UK and US who spend a term of their studies over there. While these students might take a recipe for a knock-out pasta fagioli with them and be able to make an Italian person feel at home by cursing them in their native tongue, the citizens in Florence get to witness their drinking culture go from one of reserved imbibing to the more violent, binge-drinking style of bo...
More About: Earth , Angels , Back

Mile Pie-Eyed Club: Drunk Duct Taped to his Seat
2008-04-25 15:00:00
Duct tape has many uses as you?ll know from jokes that have been hammered into the ground on a certain show set in a hunting lodge and based on the premise that men are, at the end of the day, basically stupid and that this observation contains enough material to mine for an eternity. In less family-friendly venues, duct-tape is most commonly used to seal the gobs of hostages to keep them from hollering for their freedom as they?re dumped into the trunk of a Cadillac. Your more sadistic baddies will let said hostage grow a moustache first, make sure that the tape covers it, and then, once in a soundproof room, inquire ?What?s that you?re trying to say? I can?t quite hear you?, before ripping it off in one cruel tug and eliciting screams from the captive. But duct-tape is not just for villains. It can be a tool for good as well, and just today was employed to restrain a troublemaker on a flight from Hong Kong to Los Angeles. Details are sketchy so far, however what?s clear is that...
More About: Seat , Drunk , Club , Mile

Toothpaste for Boozehounds: Get your choppers your whitest, with wine, whis
2008-04-23 15:00:00
For the average boozehound, dredging themselves out of bed and scraping a toothbrush across their hairy tongue, is part of the pre-work grooming regimen (after dousing less than fragrant loafers with the remainder of a bottle of cologne).The taste of toothpaste though, is second only to a whiff of the previous night's poisons when it comes to potentially launching that morning bagel into an anti-gravity, toilet-bound trajectory. So, it's a wonder that at Toothpaste world.com, speaking of gravity, you can procure all sorts of boozy flavors that would turn your stomach worse than a NASA gyroscope. Michigan dentist and self-professed 'toothpaste collector' Val Kolpakov features American-produced bourbon, whiskey, wine, and for the high-rolling set, champagne flavors.Why these exist is anyone's guess, as the market for people looking to give themselves booze breath when they're not drinking is likely a small one and those who are drinking would like to rid themselves of it. Of in...
More About: Wine , Whitest

Cheap Beer in Somalia: Website Lists Prices of Pints Around the World
2008-04-21 15:00:00
Air travel is becoming more affordable and places that had been shut off from the rest of the world are opening up ? like the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan for example, or Hamilton, Ontario Canada. But what good is visiting another country unless we know beforehand exactly how much a pint of beer will cost when we get there? Thankfully, UK tabloid The Sun helpfully directed the attention of its readers today to www.pintprice.com, a website that allows users to find out the price of a pint of suds in various places around the world.The website also lists the countries with the cheapest and most expensive ales in the world. Unfortunately, the cheapest beer, 10p (20 cents) a glass, is to be found in places to which your travel insurance is unlikely to extend, like the Congo and Somalia or locales so inaccessible that even the natives have forgotten how their ancestors made the trip originally like Tuvalu in the Pacific Islands. Monaco tops the list of countries that we?ll never visit ? ...
More About: Website , World , Beer , Lists , Around the world

Punch Drunk in Aisle One: Barfly Picks Fight with Boxing Coach at Shop
2008-04-18 15:00:00
In boxing parlance, a "tomato can" is a hand-picked schlub brought in to go a few rounds with the champ, whose odds of scoring an upset are comparable to say, Madison, Wisconsin landing the next games of the Olympiad.While these guys are technically professional fighters, at least when they're not earning a living as roofers, drywallers and doing other jobs that don't require a background check, it's not uncommon for the town drunk to take one glassy-eyed look at one of these soft around the midriff ham 'n' eggers and think to themselves, "I could take 'em"--especially if he's facing the other way and I'm swinging a barstool. It's no accident then that "punch drunk" has become part of the lexicon as we'll see in this story. A London man, on the back end of a two-day drink and cocaine-fueled bender, ?weekends? as Keith Richards calls ?em, walked up to a fellow shopper, 23, and accused him of "gie' in evils? to him. The shopper tried to ignore him (having no clue what ?...
More About: Boxing , Fight , Drunk , Shop

Hallelujah! Now Pass the Beer Nuts: Ministry to Open in Bar
2008-04-16 15:00:00
Barring getting lost on the way back from an after-hours bar and popping into one to grab a nap on the way home, it is unlikely that you will see either of the Shark Guys occupying church pew space on a Sunday morning. That said, this story did nearly cause a religious conversion of Paul on the Road to Damascus-like power. It was later determined that the bright lights we thought we saw and errantly attributed to a beacon from a celestial lighthouse were caused by a combination of dehydration and standing up too fast. Pope Benedict XVI (Return of the Robed One) is currently on his first visit to the US, which has the third-largest Catholic population in the world ? this is a fact made most clear in Mafia movies in which gangsters, despite being pimps, killers and thieves of the worst order, can still be counted on to put on a clean shirt for little Antoinette?s baptism. The pope?s goal this time round is to inject a little enthusiasm into a faith knocked sideways by the scandals...
More About: Beer , Open , Hallelujah , Ministry , Pass

Blue Jays Fans Balk at Beer Ban
2008-04-14 15:00:00
The typical baseball game lasts about as long as The Godfather parts I and II, with long periods of inactivity punctuated by short bursts to the bathrooms to piss out all the suds used to down all the peanuts in the gallery. In these cheap seats, especially during a "pitcher's duel" (baseball parlance for when even less than the nothing that usually happens, happens) the combination of heat stroke and freely flowing beer results in normally staid Toronto fans turning into warring savages in the upper deck.Before the Jays moved into their cozy, retractable domed-roof confines, they occupied an outdoor stadium situated right by the lake, and on a typical opening day the "Boys of Summer" would be fielding ground balls in a snowdrift. During these lean years, it was nearly impossible to bear those temperatures without ingesting a Great Lake's worth of booze (picture the loogan in the accompanying photo clutching a stubby bottle of an aged Molson product and you'll get an idea of how ...
More About: Fans , Beer , Blue Jays , Blue

An Inconvenient Truth for Boozers: Global Warming Threatens Beer Supply!
2008-04-12 03:00:00
Many who saw ?An Inconvenient Truth ? left the theatre with one clear thought: I need a drink. The motivation for this would vary among viewers ? for some it was the idea that they had just laid out their hard-earned entertainment dollar for the kind of thing that should have been on PBS, for others the combination of the dulcet tones of the former vice-president with all those bloody graphs and maps, and for others the impending doom that it preached was right on our doorstep. Regardless, it was nice to knock back a few cold ones when that one was over, blast the air-con, and content oneself with the knowledge that the globe was not that warm yet (this something that Canadians who suffered through one hell of a winter this year would also attest to).The causes of global warming are debatable ?scientists, maybe hoping for an honorable mention the next time the Nobels are handed out, have weighed in on this one by suggesting that it is caused by everything from the Olympic Torch to, u...
More About: Global Warming , Beer , Global , An Inconvenient Truth

Smoking Bans Increase DUI rates: Of Cancer sticks and stick shifts
2008-04-09 15:00:00
Cigarettes and alcohol make a natural pairing. Before cigarettes were invented, people's non-drinking hand would be used to say, illustrate a point about macro economic theory or indicate 'two more please' while the other would be tested keeping the contents of the glass level as your bar legs gave way.In fact, many vices go together quite naturally, such as pulling the slot machine lever while taking copious sips of complimentary cranberry-based cocktails, or using a pint of your favorite lager to down a nighttimes' worth of pharmaceutical pleasures, while laying down $5 bets on whether the next person to enter a bar was male or female. In the first study of its kind, a study in the Journal of Public Economics (a real page turner, especially if you're doing hard time and have reading materials restricted) looked at the relationship between the recent spate of smoking bans and DUI rates and the results have anti-smoking advocates fuming. Researchers from the University of Wisc...
More About: Cancer , Wisconsin , Smoking , Stick , Rates

Cheap Booze Shoplifter: ?You?re calling the cops over four beers??
2008-04-08 03:00:00
Who out there hasn?t, while gazing upon some luxury item that is beyond one?s means ? a bottle of fine perfume perhaps, or a lady-in-a-bikini bottle opener ? thought, ?Would that it could be mine, but alas, I don?t have the requisite funds. If only I had the guts to steal it.? Barring a stint in our teens during which we may or may not have stolen anything that wasn?t nailed down, however, most of us feel that shoplifting is wrong ? even when it?s a big corporation that couldn?t possibly miss one little item ? or we just don?t want to be embarrassed by being hauled into some backroom and put under the bright lights for an interrogation by mall cops, so we either go without or go into debt when it comes to the things we want. Call it nature, nurture, or Florida, but some people are unrepentant when it comes to availing themselves of the five-finger discount. A woman in Crestview Florida walked into a Tom Thumb 81 grocery store on Sunday, went straight for the cooler, pulled out ...
More About: Booze , Cops , Calling , Cheap , Beers

Help Wanted: $14 / Hour Boozehound
2008-04-04 15:00:00
Everyone has a dream job, whether it's stuffing envelopes in the comfort of your own bathrobe, or walking dogs for the elderly in the hopes that advancing senility will result in an inheritance accidentally willed your way.For the drinking set, the definition of a dream job is simply one whose rigors can be forgotten as soon as they've skipped off two hours early for a 'dentist appointment' that involves convening at the billiard hall happy hour.For the seasoned boozer, whose grocery bills are regularly eclipsed by liquor store hauls, scouring want ads for new employment is daunting, especially as emergency savings are pissed away buying rounds for the lady who tap dances on the bar.A Winsor, England man, posted a gig that is by any tippler's definition, a dream job, and one that, like the forklift guy in the warehouse who spins around in circles, involves drinking on the job (and not the kind of 'get paid to drink' gig that requires a CAT scan or your ability to memorize c...
More About: Wanted , Hour , Help Wanted

Soccer Player DUI Bust En Route to Practice
2008-04-02 15:00:00
If you're in a bar and dragged into a discussion over what constitutes a sport and the waitress can't come quickly enough with your bill so that you can extricate yourself from the situation--- without suffering a pounding headache in addition to the one you've already sustained from the pitchers of stale beer--here are two definitions that will serve you well:1. If you perspire during play, it's a sport (this disqualifies baseball and cricket).[Editor's note: If the horse perspires, this doesn't count. If you're playing patio darts and you perspire, it doesn't count either] 2. If you're able to quaff a beer without interrupting the course of play, it's not a sport (this includes bowling, darts and the aforementioned baseball and cricket).That being said, this doesn't diminish the athletic achievements of one John Daly, spotlighted earlier in the first installment of our Boozing Athletes series, whose ability to swing a golf club while simultaneously pinching the bottoms ...
More About: Soccer , Player , Practice , Bust , Route

Root Beer Kegger: The Beer was Fake, the Breathalysers were real.
2008-03-31 15:00:00
This past weekend undoubtedly saw its share of keg parties in residential neighborhoods throughout North America. Someone's parents nip off to somewhere tropical to forget for one all-inclusive week the burdens of home, and return to wrecked furniture, raised insurance premiums and a permanently shaken faith in young squire Johnny's sense of responsibility.On any other day, we'd be chronicling the unholy aftermath of one of those parties (which mostly ends up on Facebook), or at least lending our support to the move to see drinking ages lowered and thus spare Ma Suburbs from having to discover a pile of forgotten a few months after the last foam has been sucked out of a keg.Today, however, we'd like to salute the actions of some Wisconsin teens (not the ones pictured here, who would indeed be arriving on a very short bus indeed if still attending high school at their ages) who threw a keg party on Saturday -- one in which 1919 Classic American Draft Root Beer was on tap. Before...
More About: Fake , Real , Breathalyzer