Goldmind's Unwind Goldmind's Unwind Original, off-the-wall, humor, including spoofs, satire, pictures, and top 10 lists. Influenced by Monty Python, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Jim Gaffigan, and other wackiness. Don't expect anything serious on this site, it's totally nuts! Articles
Japanimation Classics Presents
2008-02-14 09:51:00 Cartoon Theme Song Lyricssung to the tune of “Speed Racer”Here he comes,Here comes SPEED DEAL-ER,he’s a tweak-er on wheels!He’s a fel-on and he’s gonna becrash-in’ in-to some-one.He’s got no lic-ense andhe is-n’t fit to drive.He’s got a war-rant out fora code thir-ty-five.He’s been con-vic-ted of stat-ut-ory...rape of sev-’ral teens.And don’t for-get pos-ses-sion...of meth-am-phet-a-minesGo SPEED DEA-LER...Go SPEED DEA-LER...Go SPEED DEA-LER, go-oooo![out chorus]The play-er pimp he is,he’s got a-bout a doz-en hos.They’re all hooked on his shit andfoll’w him ev-’ry-where he goes.If they can’t pay they give him head....Go SPEED DEA-LER...Go SPEED DEA-LER...Go SPEED DEA-LER, go-oooo![alternate out chorus]His brother Sprital's slingin'dime bags on his paper route.His sister Trixie walks thestreet with her butt hanging out.He'll bitch slap her upside the head...Go SPEED DEA-LER...Go SPEED DEA-LER...Go SPEED DEA-LER, go-oooo!by numbsain More About: Presents , Classics
PERCIVAL.... an African grey matter
2008-02-14 00:46:00 Percival: Brock?[Footsteps in the kitchen]Percival: Brock?... Bro-ock?[More banging around in the kitchen]Percival: Oh, Bro-o-ock? ...Brock, is that you?[Loud thumping and then footsteps coming closer]Percival: Brock, this isn't funny... Brock you're scaring me.Brock: BOO! Ha ha ha, gotcha!Percival: Aaaawk! Jeez Brock! you scared the shit out of me.Brock: Good thing I put fresh paper on the bottom of your cage. Ha ha!Percival: Pretty Bad, Pretty Bad.Brock: Hey Percy, I gotta go out for a minute. What do you want to listen to?Percival: Bach.Brock: Rock?Percival: No, Ba-a-ch!Brock: Rock it is.Percival: You suck Brock.[HEY MIS-TER TAM-BOUR-INE MAN PLAY A SONG FOR ME...]Brock: See ya later Percy![SLAM]Percival: God, I hate this song.[A few minutes later, footsteps in the kitchen again]Percival: Brock?Burglar 1: Hey did you hear that?Burglar 2: Sounds like a bird.Percival: Oh shit...Burglar 1: Look here he is! It looks like one of those expensive talking birds. How much do you think i... More About: Grey , Matter , African
Irving; A tale of the One Hundred and Forty Second Fastest Gun in the West
2008-02-12 15:40:00 Due to a series of unfortunate incidents far too embarassing to relate here, Irving rode into town on the back of a limping cow. It had taken him the better part of a day just to travel the five miles from Lexing's camp, but he had accomplished it. However, it was truly amazing how one could get saddle sore without ever using a saddle.He dismounted with a flourish, trying to win back some dignity, and actually accomplished the feat with some degree of grace. But, alas, no one was watching. Irving sighed, ran his hands over the ivory handle of Colt, and began his bow legged saunter in the direction of Mitzy's saloon. Ole Mitzy Barton had been a showgirl of some renown back in her hay day. It was said that President Zachary Taylor had once come to see her show and had actually made a pass at her. Then his wife, Hillary Rodham Taylor, had found out about it and spirited him out of town and back to the white house before he got an urge to see the Gennifer Flowers pottery show. Good ol... More About: West , Tale
Me and Joe Give the Wrong Impression
2008-02-11 16:22:00 It looked like the Siberian Tundra. Overnight apparently, the temperature had dropped lower than it's ever been. The minute I opened the door I could feel the icy chill and I saw my lamb, obviously unprepared, laying on the ice frozen solid. Beneath a thick sheet of smooth ice I could see the rocky road I lived on and I knew it was going to take a long time to dig my way through. So I set the knob to defrost and started chipping away at the freezer with a screwdriver. I always had that rocky road ice cream for breakfast, I practically lived on it. I swear though, tonight I'm going to prepare that lamb for dinner. Just then my roommate Joe came stumbling downstairs in a pair of boxers sweating from the sweltering 110 degree weather we'd been having for the past week."What the hell are you doing dude!" Joe grumbled."Joe..." I said with my head inside the freezer still chipping away at it"...how the hell did this freezer get so iced up overnight?""Oh heh heh, sorry, I couldn't slee... More About: Give , Wrong , Impression
DATING DUMMIES... for DUMMIES: Seven steps to getting lucky
2008-02-09 17:30:00 She has nothing to do with anything, but who cares!Remember your first date? How awkward you felt? How clueless you were at getting her to respond? Knowing what you know now, wouldn't it be great to have a second chance at that first date? Ah, sweet sixteen... and you in your mid thirties... boy, that would be swell huh? Don't even think about it you pervert.But you're still trying to master the fine art of romance. Still no luck, eh? Well, don't feel so bad; you're not alone... Don't get me wrong, we've all had hundreds of women. You're alone in that respect. But we haven't given up on you completely. Here are seven tips from the experts on how to make time with the chicks we've all had already.1. FIRST THINGS FIRST: PROTECT YOURSELF! Before you do anything with a woman you've just met, find out if she's legal. Here are some red flags to watch out for when in a restaurant: a. She orders a Bubble-Gum Spritzer in a sippy cup. b. She makes her knife and fork talk to each ... More About: Dating , Dummies , Lucky , Steps
UNCLE REEMUS... don't get him started!
2008-02-08 10:44:00 Jimmy: OW! You hurt me! I'm telling dad! DAD!... DADDY!...Uncle Reemus: What's goin' on out here? Your dad's gone out. What seems to be the problem there youngun?Jimmy: Oh, nothing Uncle Reemus.Uncle Reemus: Whattaya mean nothin'? Are ya injured or not?Jimmy: Well, Seth pushed me and I think he mislocated my shoulder bone.Uncle Reemus: Lemme see that.Jimmy: Ow, quit it Uncle Reemus, it hurts! I think its my rotator cuff.Uncle Reemus: ROTATOR CUFF!? Don't be a damn pussy! Ya don't need yer damn rotator cuff! Lemme tell you sump'm you little piss-wiggle; my Great Grandaddy ain't had no rotator cuffs aTALL. That's right! Born without 'em. Didn't bother him none. Arms just dangled at his sides, but you wouldn't see him complaining.Jimmy: He must have looked really weird...Uncle Reemus: WHAT!? Why you boney little dipstick, lemme tell you sump'm you little panty-shield; my Great Granddaddy was one of the finest human bein's that ever walked the face o' this PLANET! Just ...
CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE NERD KIND
2008-02-07 08:52:00 It was an average fall day, grey from clouds, but not dark (which would indicate it was an average fall night) and I had ventured out on a routine mission; drive to the nearest K-mart, purchase a 12-pack of toilet paper (squeezably-soft not a priority) and some light bulbs. I spot my parking space from across the aisle and burn rubber to get to it with little regard for whatever human life that might be in my path. I'm 10 yards away, home free, when out of nowhere this huge honkermobile comes barreling in, right in front of me and wedges his big fat ass right into my spot.Okay, I'm pissed and I'm ready to fight. I hop out of my car and I'm jumping mad... er something like that. Anyway, I make a bee line for the drivers side door, rip it open and huh? Nobody home! Then I see the damn things a cripplemobile and there's some scrawny spastic geek exiting the other side in an elaborate apparatus which I presume is some form of wheelchair. I'm thinkin' How pathetic is this spaz? I... More About: Nerd , Close , Encounter
Hallmark Presents: Valentine's Day Cards for Modern Times
2008-02-05 15:02:00 (for "her" from him)How does one express their lovefor someone such as thee?with smile so bright and heart so pure,you bring out the best in me.And though you take those hormone pillsand tuck your junk away,You're so close to being an actual chickthat I can pretend I'm not gay.Happy Valentine's day!**********(for the object of your affections)I've stood in the shadows and watched you.I've coveted you with my eyes.In my mind I've pictured you begging for mercy.I've heard your resounding cries.Please, my dear, don't be frightened,I'm sorry for your dead cat.I left a bag of pig entrailsat your door as proof of that!Just please let me caress you,as I'm the affectionate type,let me run my nails o'er your milk white neck,and sink my thumbs in your windpipe.....ahemJust be my valentine!!!.........................or else.*******************(Internet love)Our late night sessions have inspired me,to give you this valentine's card.Though you're likely an actorOn "To Catch a Predat... More About: Presents , Hallmark , Times , Modern , Cards
Hollywood's Leading Men answer a stupid question by numbsain
2008-02-04 12:29:00 Back in the day when I was an investigative reporter, I was given an assignment to ask Hollywood's leading men about the qualities they look for in their ideal partner. Well, I was a little naive then and my interviewee choices were not what the editor had in mind. Or maybe it was the way I worded the questions but in any event, I got fired from that job and didn't know why until years later when I ran into one of the stars I had interviewed while I was covering a street fair in San Francisco.Q: What qualities do you look for in a woman?Sal Mineo: Ooh, that's a toughy! Well, she'd have to share my interests and we'd have to see eye to eye so I suppose she would probably be a thesbian, but not too butch. You know, I'm no he-man so she would have to be gentle with me, strong but sensitive to my needs. But the only person I've ever known to have those qualities was my first acting coach, it just didn't work out between us (sigh). There was another woman... well it's complicate... More About: Question , Answer , Stupid , Leading
You know you're having too many out-of-body experiences when...
2008-02-03 18:25:00 You wake up in the middle of the night and don't bother to turn on light because you know it won't work anyway.You can't decide whether to be an amorphous blob or a biped tonight.You shave before bed because you hate the way the stubble feels when you try to re-enter yourself.You can carry on a complete conversation with someone while you're fast asleep.You notice your monthly prescription for klonopin ran out 3 weeks early.You ask people if they saw you last night because you were flying over their house.You forget to open doors and try to walk through them.You feel perfectly at home in strange peoples houses, even when it's pitch black inside.You lose interest in having a sexual relationship because you have enough sex in your dreams.You test your solidity frequently by pushing your hand through solid objects.You try to get out of moving vehicles but fortunately, you usually forget to open the door.You discover a new moon orbiting Jupiter even though you don't even own a te... More About: Body , Experiences
Revenge of the Pawntikit
2008-02-02 17:12:00 Many moons ago, across the great plains of what is now the Western United States, the proud Pawntikit tribe lived in harmony with nature, hunting, grazing, haggling and rummaging for sustenance. At new moon, the fields were planted and the young squaws, draped in thin diaphanous corn silk robes, danced the hokipoki to bring rain. As the rain fell, rendering their robes transparent, the young braves gathered around to watch with their totem poles standing tall. They encouraged the squaws by stuffing wampum beads into their skimpy corn silk loin cloths. We call it maize, you call it corn... the braves called it porn. Even Leering Wolf, Pawntikit Chief, was always present to oversee the dancing of the hokipoki and contribute a few wampum beads of his own. It was a resplendent time of abundance and fertility for the Pawntikit and neighboring tribes.Until one fateful year, when the rain dance went too long, it brought torrential floods that ravaged the plains, devastating the crops and w... More About: Revenge
A Failed High School Health Video of the 70s
2008-02-01 20:18:00 (You remember them....the sex ed tapes. Run through a projector, the image was always shaky and featured archaic terms and hideous acting that did way more to turn off hormone charged teenagers than a lobotomy ever could. Folks, as bad as those were, believe it or not, there were some that were actually rejected for being worse! Like this one!)Syphilis and You(living with your disability) Cue shaky projector Video starts with hideous musical opening as backdrop to innocuous looking couple holding hands and walking in some nameless park.Cue Narrator"High school life is a challenging time. Your bodies are undergoing change. Some changes you may understand. Some you may not. The choices you make are often driven by factors that you cannot control, like your hormones. Your parents and teachers work very hard to teach you how to make the right choices and avoid negative consequences, but the fact remains that teenagers are generally idiots. So there you are. Mr. Suave. Mr. Libido. Mr. Le... More About: Health , School , High School
SAFE, SECURE & STUPID!
2008-02-01 07:22:00 As we wander mindlessly through our daily lives, oblivious to the mortal perils that wait eagerly to befall us, we are often reminded how important our petty little concerns are. And nothing tells us we are the center of the universe more than personal security passwords. Special codes to keep hostile forces from stealing our precious intellectual property and prevent our invaluable personal data from falling into the wrong hands.My advances toward my girlfriend were rejected last night because my user name and password didn't match. I was redeemed when we realized I had "remember me" clicked and it had been unclicked by an alternate user. But I still had to wait for an email with my new password before I could access her “inbox” if you know what I mean.My laptop makes me verify my identity before it will give me administrative privileges. I guess that's so when underprivileged children break into my house to steal my emails they'll have to settle for the price of a laptop on... More About: Stupid , Safe , Secure
NEW UPSKIRTS IN SCIENCE
2008-01-31 14:01:00 New findings in the field of smegmology indicate that the Earths scrotusphere may be far more brisciduous than previously thought. A recent study of the entire plasteospasm has shed new light on the inner workings of the Aroma Flatulatus and its importance in the blaphic sprog as a whole.Crimpignologists are now able to track the rate of brubilia flow into the bleepy scrotchiosum by carefully grimacing frillicamps along the torpidactyl belch, thus yielding a more jelupulous look into the willikilts of the three major scrotuspheres, including ours. These buxominuous findings may give us a better insight into why our jujubes are getting smaller each year. It is possible that by the next coming waynscottle-binch a major boamage in the bizinickers could occur.Professor Belliboton Lintz had this to say:"We're all a-twitter with excitement about these new developments and, it may be psychosomatic, but I already feel my jujubes getting bigger!"Of course, Professor Lintz is a blithering sp... More About: Science , Upskirts
Infommercial Madness
2008-01-30 11:27:00 Howdy. Ah'm Ernest Daleheart, world class NASCAR Driver. Rated the number one race car driver in America. And it's no wonder with a trio o' successive Indy Five hunnerts, a duece a Daytonas and starrin' in one o' the most spectacular highlights ever filmed, Yeah, you know the one. It still amazes me I survived it. But I ain't got the name Ernest Dalehardt bein' flammable.But today, I'm here ta tell you about another kind o' cookin'. Slow cookin' Now ah know what yer thinking. But this slow cookin' dun' happen in the bedroom, though ah am a legend between the sheets. But I digest. Now there's two things in this world that I ain't love nuthin' more than; NASCAR... and slow cookin'. That's why ah'm just all revved up about about the Official Ernest Dalehardt NASCAR Slow Cooker®. Ain't she a thing o beauty? An' just look what's inside... Oh Lordy! That's smells heavenly. See now that's what ahm talkin' 'bout. A whole mess a home-made chili stewin' in its own ... More About: Madness
State of the Blog Site Address
2008-01-29 16:36:00 By CheeseMy fellow Blog gers. In the spirit of American politics, I stand before you today to address the state of this blog site and it's current writers. (who, incidentally, should be applauded for NOT being on strike) There has been a firestorm of controversy that has, shall we say, molested "Goldmind's Unwind" in recent weeks and some issues need to be tackled once and for all. Let me just say in general, that the state of this blog site is severely warped. And it's prognosis is sickly at best. In other words, it's right where we want it to be! (pause for applause)First and foremost, I want to clear up some hurtful gossip involving myself. (It's my blog entry so I'll use ego and put myself first thank you very much!) I have received your emails regarding my posts and I am inclined to make a few responses. Foambubble36, you and your hotmail account are on the forefront of my mind. While it's true that my grasp of the English language is tenuous at best, and while it's also... More About: Site , State , Address
CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS
2008-01-28 10:59:00 Donald Trumpnumbsain: Mr. Trump, first of all, congratulations on having so much money. How does it affect your happiness?Donald Trump: What's that?numbsain: Oh, nothing important. Let me ask you this, how did you like Goldmind's Unwind?Donald Trump: How much revenue did it earn in the past fiscal year?numbsain: None. We do it as a creative outlet for fun.Donald Trump: Wait a minute. It doesn't earn any money? numbsain: None.Donald Trump: Ahah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! AHAH-HAH-HAH-HAH That's hilarious!HO-HO-HO-HA-HAHAHA That's so absurd! HA-HA-HA That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life! HAHAHAH HOHOHOHA HAHA aha haha... HAH HAH HAH...numbsain: He thinks it's funny! Donald Trump thinks Goldmind's Unwind is hilarious! He can't stop laughing! That's great!$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$Sylvester Stallonenumbsain: It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Stallone. I'm a big fan of all your movies, especially the Terminator series...Sly: That was the... More About: Celebrity , Interviews
So Much for the Next Generation...
2008-01-27 04:53:00 Captain's Log: Stardate 4069.5.14. The ship has entered an unusual Nebula type thingy in a distant part of the galaxy. There's a very queer but absolutely gorgeous radiation field in this sector which is causing my entire crew to exhibit strange behavior but it's also casting a stunning teal green hue on the bridge which really brings out the color of my eyes. Side note: Sulu's been wearing his trousers a lot tighter and it's starting to be a distraction. Kirk: Heading Mr. Sulu?Sulu: Uh, I'm a little busy at the moment, why don't you have a seat right here, make yourself nice and comfy, and have a look see for yourself?Kirk: Spock, If your not too, too busy, could you be a dear and have a little chit chat with Sulu? He's getting awfully testy with me and it hurts my feelings. Maybe use one of your mind mold thingies, hm? Spock: Captain, I think you can handle this, be firm but logical and just use your words to tell him how you feel.Kirk: Dammit, Spock don't question my or... More About: Generation , The Next Generation
Modern Day Beat Poets
2008-01-26 13:15:00 KINGS OF BEATby Tlan SpandexManta Ray Jack Kerouac-King spider willowWeeping wallow sleeping swallow shallow hollowFull of Bull of aard-VARK in the dark... HARK! ...what light from yonder water breaks... Labor of love, lover of labia, maybe a baby a BOY!Coffee breaks my heart aches and pains takingEarth quaking RIKI LAKE-ING not to my likingRodney KING can't we all just get a LIFE Liberty and the pursuit of helplessnessMARTIN Lawrence of Arabian Knights in Shining Steven KINGLUTHER saying sooth or John Wilkes Booth was so uncouth orKING me, King and I, King Kong, Hong Kong, Thong Song I'm alive, I'm ALIVE, CAN'T YOU TELL?William Tell... me it's over... SURE!by Tlan Spandex••••••••••• ••••••••••••• ••••••••WAR: GOOD GOD Y'ALLby Black Finger GoldbergBuck the Fush ad-menstruation,Bush bags Douche bombs bursting in the middle east infectionIs it al-Qaeda come out and play god over Gaza presidential monkey money hungr... More About: Modern , Poets , Beat
Then and Now. A Pictoral Comparison
2008-01-25 14:38:00 It is a topic that's been visited many times on email and web page, but it never gets old. Truly seeing how far we've come (both in terms of progression and regression.....you decide which is which) in our respective life times. So here is our own version of then and now. The then is the decade of this author's birth, the 1970s. The now is whenever the hell I want it to be. So there. You're in my world now.THEN:Everyone remembers this classic, even if it is a bit vague in the pic. It's "Pong", the first video game ever designed for public consumption. It would provide easily 30 minutes of fun as you pounded on dad, shutting him out 8-0 while he mumbled about "new fangled gizmos" in frustrated consternation. NOW:Providing high quality graphics, animated combat, and seductively dancing elven women, the world of warcraft is home to over 10 million players world wide. It gives more than 12 hours of fun every day to the casual player who no longer sees his parents, friends, the dinn... More About: Comparison
The Wisdom of Swami Samatipants
2008-01-25 09:58:00 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for I don't want anyone to think we're together. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.3. Its always darkest before dawn. So that's the best time to steal your neighbor's newspaper.4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet .7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes 9. If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence that you tried.10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and it will take all day before he can eat11. If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, you got a deal.12. If you tell... More About: Wisdom
CALIFORNIA EMPLOYEE'S HANDBOOK
2008-01-23 13:49:00 Customer Theft Aversion Procedure: Toy StoreYou've spotted a 5 year old child stuffing his pockets with Sponge Bob Square Pants erasers valued at 59¢ per unit (manufacturers suggested retail price). His mother, supposedly unaware of the crime in progress struggles with a Rubiks Cube 3 aisles over. What do you do?1. DO NOT approach the suspect directly! This could appear threatening and cause the suspect to throw down the merchandise and possibly damage it. Remember the safety of the store and it's merchandise come first.2. DO NOT approach the parent as they will never admit that their child has committed a crime. Parents are usually defensive and Irate and any confrontation can lead to a law suit if not a physical altercation.3. DO NOT make announcements over the PA such as: "Code 7 aisle 5." Most career criminals or professional shoplifters pick up on this type of thing immediately and it could cause them to panic. 4. Clear as many customers out of the store as possible. Then se... More About: California , Handbook
A Tribute to our Wayward Leader
2008-01-22 15:02:00 At left: Goldmind, founder of this site and daily inspiration, set out on an innocent trip to Disneyland about a month ago and has not been heard from since. It is feared by this writer that Goldmind's patented daisy duke ensemble may have led to his downfall in some "Blue Oyster Cult" bar on the left coast. Please come back to us Gold! There is no lead in our pencils without you!You're the Inspiration(cue the music)Goldmind....I wanted you tell you how I feel about you. I wanted you to know that my ideas are impotent without you.So much of me is impotent without you.And due to recent writer's block, I can only tell you how I feel in a song.This is a ditty from "Chicago".Goldmind....you're my Inspiration."You know this site was meant to beA timeless blog to last foreverI need you here to edit meBefore I post pics of my memberYou should know, the places my mind goeswhile my hands are in my pants, on my knobWhere's my corn cob, babyGot no meaning in my lifeGot writer's constipat... More About: Tribute , Leader
Mother Goosed “Loose Caboose” Rhymes
2008-01-22 00:22:00 [RATED R] DO NOT READ TO CHILDREN! If you are under 18, leave at once. These rhymes are immature humor intended for mature audiences and describe adult situations in a childish way that could be damaging to young impressionable minds. (They are okay for children under 3—4 month old as they just hear "blah blah blah" anyway and it's your soothing tone that they are responding to. At that age you could be reading Hustler and they wouldn't know the difference, but don't let them see the pictures because that's what happened to me.)Jack BlatzJack Blatz could eat no cats,His wife could eat no dong,And frankly, between you and me,Their marriage wont last long.Peter CheaterPeter, Peter lousy cheater,Had a wife until he beat her.She refused to pay his bail, and so they kept his ass in jail.Old Mother WheelerOld mother wheeler went to the dealer,To score her old man a dime.But to her despair, the po-lice were there,And now they both have to do time.Little Miss MuffLittle Miss Muff lay ... More About: Rhymes
an afternoon with...
2008-01-21 01:58:00 Rufus: Hey Ralf.Ralf: Hey Rufus.Rufus: Where's Barclay?Ralf: Around.Rufus: Around where?Ralf: Around the corner.Rufus: Bowser?Ralf: Been here.Rufus: Yeah?Ralf: Smell this.Rufus: Wow!Ralf: Bowser!Rufus: Yep.Ralf: Bitches?Rufus: Three.Ralf: Which way?Rufus: Both.Ralf: Closest?Rufus: Left.Ralf: That's me!Rufus: Pack?Ralf: Sure.Rufus: Now where ya goin'?Ralf: Detour.Rufus: Somethin' good?Ralf: Smell this.Rufus: Nice!Ralf: Run?Rufus: I'm down.Ralf: Should be ri-i-i-ght... here! Rufus: Good call, Ralf!Ralf: Watch out for chicken bones.Rufus: Why?Ralf: Try poopin' 'em.Rufus: Ouch! Gotcha.Ralf: I'm done. You done?Rufus: I'm done... back to the bitches?Ralf: Yep. Should be ri-i-i-ght... here!Rufus: Bingo!Ralf: Hey baby, how you doin'?Jasmine: Better now.Ralf: Hey, you smell ready!Jasmine: You smelled right.Ralf: Yeah I usually do. Jasmine: Your friend's a little shy?Rufus: Ralf's top dog. I'll wait.Jasmine: There's plenty of me to go aro—OOOH! You don't waste time, I like th... More About: Afternoon
GOLDMIND FOUND MISSING!!!
2008-01-20 04:42:00 devoted staff member searching for GoldmindDear Readers, It is with great consternation that we, the writers of Goldmind's Unwind, disseminate this most shuddersome news. After an exhaustive and disorganized search we have regretfully found Goldmind to be missing. The last any of us heard, he was on his way to Disneyland which only now as we write this do we realize how suspicious that sounds. Nonetheless the mortifying fact remains that Goldmind, happy-go-lucky, bright, loved by all, understood by none, pillar of society and the type of guy that would risk his own life if there was even a small chance that he could save just one dollar, is nowhere to be found.Be assured that this is not a publicity stunt intended to boost readership. Which is not to say that you, our devoted readers are not free to check in more often to see if the mystery of his dissapearance has been solved. And by all means tell your friends, neighbors and pets about this tragic occurrence as It can only serve... More About: Missing , Missi
Practicing Banal Sex; A message from your president
2008-01-18 19:35:00 By George W. BushLadies and gentleman, the only recreational activity out there that has been in existence since the dawn of time is fornification. That's right. I'm talking about biblical relations between members of oppositional or similar sexes. Now I know that typically discussions of this nature fall outside of the borders of presidential duties. But I wanted to talk to you because, as of late, some disturbing information has been crossing my desk here in the oval office. Which is really oblongated. But I guess the oblong office wouldn't sound very historic, would it? But I digress.It seems there has been a trend amongst both heterosexual and homosexual couples to frequently engage in blatant overt banal sex. Now, my fellow Americans, this is not natural. Whether you believe fornification is for the purpose of procreation or just for the pleasure of whiling away a Saturday afternoon, you must agree that partaking in one another banally is not acceptable behavior. Nor is it s... More About: President , Message , Anal , Mess
Oyster Chat
2008-01-18 08:18:00 Molly: Hey Shelly, you look blobby today.Shelly: Oh shucks Moll' thanks. I've been extracting more calcium lately. You're looking rather wrinkled and slimy yourself. Are you still dating that mussel?Molly: Nah. He and this scallop on Shoreline at High tide the knot. How about you Pearl?Pearl: Well I let this guy into my shell and of coarse he let a grain of sand in...Shelly: Oh how irritating!Pearl: Oh tell me about it. He turned out to be shooter for the lob. I swear, no more lobsters.Molly: So what did you do about the sand?Pearl: What could I do, I covered it with nacre and made an irregular black, take a look.Shelly: Well at least its irregular.Pearl: Yeah, so after that I said: “bye bi-valve...” Molly: Shh! Clam up Pearl. Here comes your mother.Shelly: I can't believe that's the mother-of-pearl, look at all those colors?Pearl: Every one in the rainbow. Yeesh!Molly: So garish!Shelly: Oh look girls here comes a human female! Ooh! she's skinny dipping!Pearl: Oh how beaut... More About: Chat
A Guide to Names [Part 2]
2008-01-16 14:26:00 If you missed the first part of A Guide to Names , click on this link: http://goldmindsunwind.blogspot.com/2008/ 01/guide-to-names.htmland find out what a guide to names is all about. Or not. In this installment of a Guide to Names we'll cover 4 new categories of names:• Futuristic Space Age Names• Prehistoric (cave man style) Names• Military, Government and Legal Title Names• Exciting NamesFuturistic Space Age NamesThese are names that you might call your son or daughter in the year 3000 when technology has allowed our species to boldly go where we probably have no business going but, you know man. And kids find them out-of-this-world too!ZenoproteusCosmitronZintharQuadraxPra xusOrionNebulaUniversaGalaxiaSolariaAndro medaAstraPlaeidesiaAtmospheraUranusiaMete oraCometteSpacestaceyOzonellaPlutaCathodi naQuazaraQuarkyVectorPrehistoric NamesThese are names that a caveman might give his child. Raw and base sounding, they imply limited vocal sophistication with their gutteral earthy q... More About: Part
Political Parody- Song 2
More articles from this author:2008-01-15 17:21:00 Goldmind's Unwind on Tour (pictured below) Recently, the writers at Goldmind's unwind had been asked by numerous readers and publicists to go on tour with our "act". Song Parodies, top ten lists, news flinches, holiday anecdotes, and secret pictures of Hillary Clinton nude sunbathing have headlined our tour to date. We were even able to stop for some tour photos, like the one above. Before you even ask, I'm the cute one. But I digress. In honor of the Goldmind Unwind American Tour, I, the cheese, wanted to share with you a previously unreleased hit in honor of Campaign '08."I Will Survive" (the voter's song)(The democrat sings)At first I was amazed,I was mystified.Kept thinking I had gone insaneOr that my eyes had liedI’d spent so many nightsWonderin’ who the dems would runWhich hired gun?To get the big job done,But what the hell?Are they on crack?They trucked out that scary fossilWith the hair all on her backI’m gonna change the way I voteI’m gonna run from HillaryI’... More About: Parody , Political 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
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