Goldmind's Unwind Goldmind's Unwind Original, off-the-wall, humor, including spoofs, satire, pictures, and top 10 lists. Influenced by Monty Python, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Jim Gaffigan, and other wackiness. Don't expect anything serious on this site, it's totally nuts! Articles
New Designer Drug—Bane or Boon?
2008-01-14 13:04:00 Drugs: America's biggest concern, second only to: war, inflation, global warming, trans fat, immigration, gas prices, fitness and Britney Spears kids. And the latest new drug craze that everyones talking about, the trendy new fad that's sweeping the nation, winning the hearts of drug enthusiasts of all ages from coast to coast is an exciting new mind altering adventure for the whole family called "SPANK!" SPANK (Sodium Pentatholic Acetyl Niacinamidenated Kelpanol) is a topically absorbed combination mild hallucinogenic, mind altering, euphoria inducing, energy enhancing, inhibition inhibiting, muscle relaxing, sexual enhancing and stress reducing narcotic that has no unpleasant side effects, presents no health risks, feels great and costs just pennies per dose! Safe for children, pets and the elderly, SPANK is "swatted" directly onto the bare skin of any part of the body and immediately gives you a killer rush that makes you feel like a million bucks. it's Inexpensive to make and... More About: Bane , Designer , Boon
Children Should Be Seen and Not Run Over
2008-01-13 08:30:00 There was a sign on the road that said: "CAUTION CHILDREN AT PLAY" and my first thought was, how dangerous could they be? If they started singing the Barney Song, I'd just roll up my window and floor it.But it was better than the signs that say: "SLOW CHILDREN" and have a picture of a kid with a helmet riding a bike. If the kid already has brain damage why bother with the helmet. They didn't have helmets when I was a little kid. I banged my head a lot but I never got drain bamage. Kindergarten was really easy for me, especially after the third time. I was lucky to not have been abused as a child, my mother always told me that. In order to abuse a child you have to spend time with them which my folks didn't. But it wasn't their fault because I never asked to be born and they weren't expecting me.My dad liked playing catch with me. But my mom didn't and she wasn't a very good catch so he started just tossing me up in the air and catching me himself which I loved until we moved ... More About: Children
KICK THE BUCKET, NOT THE BUCKS
2008-01-12 08:13:00 People love to plan their lives. From the first childhood proclamation: "I'm gonna be a pimp when I grow up" working out the little details is what separates man from the retards. But when planning our death, it's the people we leave behind we need to consider. It's just plain selfish to indulge in self-aggrandizing funeral services costing thousands that could be much better spent on the living. Here are some tips on how to die cheap. 1. If you're going to die, do it close to where you'll be disposed of. Nobody wants to lug a corpse around. You might want to have yourself hacked into several pieces as soon as you see the first signs of your demise or at least empty your bowel and bladder. 2. People over the age of 75 should carry Hefty bags. As soon as you start clutching that left arm, Climb into your trash sack. Hang around sanitation collectors when in you're in your twilight years.Note: It is not necessary to jump the gun and shit-can yourself too soon. How many times hav... More About: Bucks , Kick
Numbsain's Eyewitless NewsFlinch
2008-01-11 20:57:00 SPECIAL CLOSE-UP EDITORIAL REPORTAn Anti-activist group simply known as "The Les Moore Cause" publicized its goal to initiate a movement toward relieving the pressure that big business imposes on the workforce and citizens in general. The groups president, founder, organizer, and staff, Les Moore announced the groups prime goal at a very brief press conference today in which he explained that the current trends that have created overworked, overtaxed and over-stressed citizens living in an environment which is undermining our right to happiness, should change.In his own pithy words, Mr. Moore simply said: "It's all too much, ...enough already." The speech, which was televised nationwide, succeeded in gaining widespread support for "The Les Moore Cause" in most areas, the majority of which came from the lower income working class demographic who work the hardest and benefit the least from the ever-increasing demands of corporate super powers. It was explained that if the entire work...
More Failed Inventions From the Patent Office
2008-01-10 21:17:00 More Bad ideasIn an earlier post, we here at Goldmind's Unwind had dilligently dug through the U.S. Patent Offfice's scrap heap to present to you some of the greatest failed inventions of the last century or so. The time has come to revisit the topic, as "Bunny", the newly befriended patent office secretary, has emailed us several more selections for your scrutiny. Thank you very much "Bunny." For Everything. And I mean everything. Ahem. The Cadet "Handicrapper"The diligent researchers at Cadet, premier manufactures of the residential and commercial commode, thought that they had done their research. They had seen in their local supermarkets, malls, and other public gathering places the mobilized scooter for the handicapped individual. So, collectively, they got to thinking. If you aren't mobile without a scooter, what other problems might you have? That's right! Getting up and down to the restroom! Even handicapped people tinkle! Even handicapped people pinch a loaf! Why not sp... More About: Inventions , Office
High Tech Footwear of the Future
2008-01-09 04:27:00 Imagine... You, a short nerdy white guy with about as much experience in professional sports as you have with women, find yourself amidst the roar of a packed coliseum, face to face with Shaq! He tosses you a regulation NBA basketball with a blasé smirk and glances over his shoulder at your seemingly impossible objective.But before his head can return, you've made your move. With the lightning quick response of a cheetah and the deft agility of a ninja on ritalin, you glide past the stunned superstar and before he can even fathom what he's witnessing, you've traversed the length of the court.Then, all in the space of a nanosecond, you imagine yourself leaping through the air with the grace of a gazelle and visualize the orb in your hands penetrating the plane of the rim with the precision of a surgeon and exploding through the net with the power of a rhinocerus on PCP. As the flabbergasted crowd watches in silent awe, at that instant, as if propelled by Mercury himself, your fli... More About: High Tech , Footwear , Future , Tech , The Future
FINGERS episode 2—“Yech”
2008-01-08 14:24:00 [When we last left Fingers , he was trying to convince daddy to kill the clerk at Baskin Robbins by stomping on her head...]Daddy: No Fingers, we don't just go around stomping on people's heads.Fingers: Why not daddy?Daddy: Uh, because they would die!Fingers: And your point is?...Daddy: Fingers, let me explain something. A human life is a precious thing and it's a crime to take the life of one of God's creatures.Fingers: You're funny daddy. You have feelings, huh? What are they like?Daddy: It's impossible to explain, but when two people have feelings for each other and their feelings are meaningful, then they fall in love and they want to share their lives with each other and show their love in a meaningful way. Love is one of life's most beautiful, treasured—Fingers: HA-HA-HA-HA ha-ha-ha Hee Hee Hoo Hoo FEELINGS ARE SICK! They sound so stupid daddy, I'm glad I don't have disgusting feelings like that!Daddy: Grrrr... Fingers: But you love me right daddy?Daddy: Are you ... More About: Episode
Campaign '08, Song 1
2008-01-07 16:29:00 "Sayin' A lie"(sung to the tune of "Staying Alive"with apologies to Barry Gibb)Well you can tell by the way I'm losin' groundThe country's sick of me, don't want me aroundThey used to think I was eliteBut Barack's using my face to wipe his feetBut it's alright, that's OKI ain't gonna fade awayI'll just lie and cheat and scamUntil I've remade all that I amWe taught the whole nationdishonest disertationjust by sayin' a lie, sayin' a lieHubby mastered all thissayin' he don't know what "is" ishe was sayin' a lie, sayin' a lieAh ha ha ha Sayin' a lie, Sayin' a lieAh ha ha haSayin a lie.(verse 2)My chances are low but my hopes are highI've ignored advice that I shouldn't tryGot residual effects from war imprisonmentand my sanity's long since absentbut that's alright, that's okI'll run for president anywayMaybe while staring at HillaryVoters will forget what's wrong with meWill I be a power gluttonIf I hold the red buttonGonna flay em' alive, flay em' aliveMenta... More About: Song , Campaign
A Guide to Names
2008-01-06 23:53:00 Bad Names Give Names a Bad NameIn a persons life, they will hear their name over a million times. If it's "John," over a billion. If they dislike their name, hearing it may eventually make them resentful or embittered. Over time they may even become hostile or chronically depressed. If the problem is not addressed, they could even become homicidal maniacs or bloodthirsty cannibalistic mass murdering... well, like Dick Cheney.Such was the case with the Dutch foreign exchange student who massacred his entire high school graduation class before taking his own life in 1985. Perhaps in Holland his name was acceptable, but it can't be easy going through the public school system in the States with the name "Penusbreth Dorkenbijter." Then there is the case of Mr. & Mrs. Dickenson who wanted to give their daughter an advantage in life by naming her Successa, but they never considered what her name would be shortened to by classmates and after years of being harassed, she finally changed it... More About: Guide
YO MAMA jokes by numbsain
2008-01-05 11:45:00 The person picturedhere was chosen asan example of thestupidest, ugliestcheapest lookingbeeyotch imaginableand is in no wayintended to demeanthis homely cowor people with theextreme misfortuneof looking evenremotely like thisinbred wretch. Yo mama is so ugly, she gets maced by rapists.Yo mama is so stupid, she failed a Rorshach test.Yo mama is so ugly, a man drowned in beer trying to make her look good.Yo mama is so stupid, when she saw a NO SMOKING sign, she checked to see if she was.Yo mama is so ugly, when she sleeps with your daddy, she asks: "Paper or plastic?"Yo mama is so cheap, she recycles toilet paper.Yo mama is so stupid, she calls you a son-of-a-bitchYo mama is so stupid, when she saw a sign that said WET CEMENT, she did.Yo mama is so stupid, she had to go to rehab cause she got hooked on phonix.Yo mama is so ugly, when the elephant man saw her he shouted; "I'm not a human being!"Yo monkey is so ugly, we thought it was yo mama.Yo mama is so stupid, she got medical advi... More About: Jokes , Mama
HIGH TECH INVENTIONS OF THE FUTURE
2008-01-04 01:06:00 Mulching Nose Hair Trimmer—Reduces six 4-gallon bags of nose hairs down to one for convenient storage. Strong enough to take the bark off a redwood tree, yet gentle enough to use on a kittens penis! The ultra high speed blades cut cleanly without snagging, yanking or ripping out nose hairs from the root which can be exquisitely painful if done correctly. Sensi-Smooth Scrotum Laser—Removes all traces of hair on the entire groin area while you sleep, in the office or even while you're walking on the moon! The patented micro-grip traction wheels painlessly grab your flesh, crawling around your crotch with the same ease any common crotch-crawler would, while seeking out and destroying every follicle one by one. You hardly feel a thing! and after just 3 weeks, you'll never have another hair on your balls! but you'll want to keep using it anyway! Colon-Eater—Just set the little probe free inside your anus and Colon-Eater does the rest. This little marvel takes a complete tour of ... More About: Inventions , High Tech , Future , Tech , The Future
Where Do They Come From?
2008-01-03 09:28:00 I'm on a long dusty stretch of road somewhere in the midwest, dyin' from dehydration and my lousy CD collection."I wish somethin' would happen, anything, just somethin' DIFFERENT!"And then I see a sign: Bullsphincter..................30 miles Cadaver..........................32 miles Bathroomdale.................42 miles"Great!..." I'm thinking "...A town, cold drinks, gas, a change of scenery!"As I approach Bullsphincter, I see another sign: Mayonaisse Factory...Seniors, Children, Dogs Welcome—Wine and Mayo Tasting"Ooh, I can't wait....Spot a gas station and pull in. There's a kid standing in front of the pump who seems like he's really good with a yoyo. I pull up to him and say:"Hey, you're pretty good with that thing."He looks up at me shocked and slackjawed and the yoyo hits him right in the mouth knockin' out both of his front teeth. There's blood runnin' down his chin and he starts screamin' so loud, at such a high pitch, that I actually considered suicide for a...
Masochism; A New Years Tradition
2008-01-02 14:17:00 Above: Yup. It's yours trulyDecember 31, 20-- 11:00 pmYou're at the masquerade. It's eleven PM and the new year is just 60 minutes away. In your right hand is a tumbler of good bourbon that is assisting you in forgetting the past year. In your other hand is a noisemaker and the wadded lyrics of "auld lang syne", just in case you've forgotten them. You take a drink.On the large overhead screen, furnished for everyone's enjoyment, Dick Clark's rocking New Years ' eve is plugging away with the latest teen fad/sensation undulating in the foreground. Clark himself, held upright only through the help of thin wires, visibly shoves away his thoughts of illegal teen love and tells you what a good time he and the rest of the animated corpses in the audience are having. You take another drink from your tumbler.You have no idea who the brunette with the feather boa is, only that she is giggling at everyone and constantly rubbing against you. The merlot in her hand has been filled at least... More About: Tradition , New Years
HEROIC DAVE and Damsel in Distress!
2008-01-02 04:29:00 [Heroic Dave has just pulled the DAVEMOBILE into the garage]HD: Do I spy a Damsel in Distress? I'll save you with my bionic lips... *SMOOCH* Take that! DD: Yes dear.HD: What's that I smell? Could it be? It's my arch nemesis... The GIANT BEEF of BLACK ANGUISH and his evil cronies, THE VEGGIE BOYS and THE MASHER of potato!! FEAR NOT, fair damsel, I'll save you! Stand back... HUNGERMAN TO THE RESCU-U-U-U-E!!! With my bionic fork of death, I attack the GIANT BEEF MONSTER and his dastardly side dishes! HAhglmph! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Glp! TAKE THAT!!! Chomp! Chomp! Choff choff chomp chew Glp! AHAH! I've got them right where I want them! Hold it right there, Veggie boys! You're not getting away that easy, take thalmph, chomp chomp chew glp! Wait, I need help from my trusty friend, COLE BEVRIDGE!! glik-glik-glik-glik Aaah! That's better, thanks Cole, I owe you one. Where was I?You there! STOP! In the name of the law! Your tasty days are OVER pal! Chomp chomp chomp HA-HAH! Chew chew...
ARTFELT ...Thee Definitive Showcase for Premiere Artists
2008-01-01 13:05:00 (Pretentious Classical Music/Reluctant Applause)Forth Prissard: And... a pleasant hello to...you. I'm Forth Prissard... ...and with me is the distinguished... art critic, Maury Gauntlet. Welcome... to Artfelt.On this,... the... first Tuesday of the month, Artfelt presents... to... you, the audient, an extrawd'nry body of work that has... resuscitated the dichotomy between the schismatic vortex prevalent among the anthropolitical bourgeoisie and post modernist anticreativist movement. Maury, what has.... this body of work... insinuated to... you?Maury Gauntlet: Ohuew Forth, I am deeeeeply congruous with this body of work and its perspicacity into the paradigm of introspective post-cataclysmic neo-reconstructivism which has set the tableau for precedent smashers such as Gruesh, Frudet, Poraschk, Albrought and Cleszmilch just to name a few off the top of my head, however I—Forth Prissard: Indeed! I'm just... resonating with that on a very entropiezic level.Mau... More About: Artists , Premiere , Showcase
Restolush... Resilushi... Resallusi... Uh, things I'm gonna do this year!
2007-12-31 17:58:00 CHEWDWIN'S NEW YEW'S YESUH-WOOSHINS I wiw 'top skatching my butt in cwassI wiw do my pinupsI wiw not wipe my boogews on my pawentsI wiw weaw soups to chewchI wiw say my pwayews evewy niteI wiw eat my vegawubbows evewy niteI wiw member to spay fanks and cheeseI wiw be kime to naybowsI wiw say "I know" to stwangews.and,I wiw say Nappy New Yews to EB-EW-Y-BUB-BA-DY!NEW YEAR'S REST-HOME-LUTIONSI'll tell ya what my New Year s resolution's gonna be; This year I'm gonna get Selma Cunningham in the sack and I'm gonna rock her world!—Willard Royce 90 years old“Well, n- n- n- na- na- nah- nah I'm not g- g- gonna start... t'saying somethin'unless... ah- ah- ah- know DAMN sure that... ah... ah... ... ...w- w- well nah y'see? Ah-ah-ah fergawt agin!”—Bill Sarks 97 years oldI ain't nevah tried the meat loaf heah, I b'lieve mah new years remanution gawn be to try that Meat Loaf, Heh Heh! 'at good nuff?—Calvin Peeples 84 years oldMy New Years Resolution is to not... die... More About: Things , Gonna
"A" IS FOR ACCEPTANCE
2007-12-30 11:32:00 "AAA" (The American Automobile Association) had been receiving a number of phone calls from "AA" (Alcoholics Anonymous) members who had become addicted to 12-step programs and sought help. Apparently believing the letters "AAA" stood for Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous, The callers were disappointed to find this was not the case.The president of "AAA" decided to refer all the calls to a central hub where the callers could coordinate with each other, which they did, and a few days later, they held the first Alcoholics Anonymous, Anonymous meeting. The meeting was deemed a success and others were scheduled. However the "AAA" meetings were conducted without supervision of a qualified 12-step program director and it was discovered the the participants had been done more harm than good by the proceedings. The leader of the unsuccessful "AAA" meetings decided to recruit the help of a qualified 12-step expert and attempt to undo the damage that had been done.The meeting was called "AAAA," (... More About: Acceptance
NUMBSAIN'S BESTSELLERS LIST
2007-12-29 16:42:00 Why Optimism Never Works Kicking Self HelpHow to ReadSarcasm SchmarcasmKilling your AngerFinishing what You StaLiving with DeathBe Old and Wise Right AwayRaising your Self Esteem—For DummiesParis on $3,000 a dayParapalegics HandbookCooking with FoodBrain Twisters made EasyLearn Patience in 1 dayStep by Step Method of Being SpontaneousHow Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away Win at Gambling Every TimeNow is OverBeating the EvensDrowning Worms & Catching FishPutting off ProcrastinationYou Can't Have NothingExaggeration Will Destroy Us All!!!How to Avoid Karma Learn to be a NaturalA Guide to Perfect ProofeadingEverything You Want To Know About The UnknownSwallow Your Pride and Save FaceThings You'll Know SoonDrawing Manual—and people that look like himFight RebellionZeroing in on the big pictureThe Whole Story—Volume One Stop Doing NothingSafe RisksSafety in LettersNever Isn't Here YetBigots Are All AlikeEverything ExistsTrends that Never ChangeKnowing You're in DenialDoubt ... More About: List , Bestsellers
The Andy Rooney Holiday Special
2007-12-28 14:07:00 "The Holiday Report"- Andy Rooney Normally, I would not waste the time that I have left to me by writing holiday crap and bending your ears with the musings of a grinch like old fart, but my confidante and possibly illegitimate son "Cheddar" called in a favor. And what the hell kind of name is Cheddar anyway? Does anyone reading this buy the fact that someone's parents would so blatantly name their child after a dairy creation? And if you do believe that, are you part of what's wrong with society? Or is the fact that you can believe it at all, actually what's wrong with society? Think about it.The holidays. In the Rooney household, during the days of my youth, Christmas was celebrated in abject poverty. Our parents saved all year to provide me and my six siblings each with an orange and a freshly darned pair of socks. Notice I did not say knit, I said darned. That's right. They were last years socks patched up. We had not heard of Tickle me Elmo, Beanie Babies, Cabbage Patch Kids... More About: Special
GREAT MOMENTS IN ADVERTISING
2007-12-28 09:55:00 In the 50's A small ad firm put several entrepreneurs on the map with their direct no nonsense approach to slogan and corporate image design. Let's listen in on history in the making, shall we... The Boss: Okay, what's on deck? J.B.: Well sir, the client is Melvin Spitz and he wants to open a restaurant on the side of the highway. Hodgkins: A hamburger-stand type of thing, Sir. The Boss: Okay so what does he wanna gonna call his place? J.B.: Well he had some ideas he thought were really clever...The Boss: Oh brother, let's hear 'em.Hodgkins: "Highway Burgery" "The Skid Mark" or "Burger Brake" and it's spelled like the brakes of a car...The Boss: Oh my god, I hope we're not too late to save this man from himself... Okay what did you guys come up with?J.B.: Well sir, you have so much more experience with this, we were hoping you'd tell us...The Boss: WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU BUMS FOR?!?! AT LEAST TRY TO USE YOUR BRAINS!!!! Hodgkins: ...Uh, M-M-Melvin Spitz by the side of... More About: Advertising , Great , Moments
"FINGERS!"
2007-12-27 07:23:00 When Dr. Frankenschtöen created his monster, his impulsive young assistant, Eagor made the classic apprentice mistake and thought: "That looks easy!" So late that evening, he sneaked back into "Monsters N' Things" after business hours and dug around in the organic trash bin. It was slim pickin's, just a handful of severed digits and some cartilage, but he would have to make do... (No, he held it until afterward.) He placed the fleshy mass on the re-animation table and connected the electrodes. Just then a bolt of lightning conveniently struck the antenna on the roof sending millions of volts coursing through the... stuff, and sure enough... IT'S ALIVE! He shouted. (Stupidly, because it got the dogs to barking and he wasn't supposed to be in there.) But Eagor had done it! Well, sort of, he didn't have enough parts for a really good monster. After playing with it for a few minutes he was bored so he deep fried it and sold it with a bucket of chicken at KFC where he worked part t... More About: Fingers
Numbsain's Eyewitless Newsflinch HOLIDAY EDITION
2007-12-24 12:07:00 THOUSANDS OF SANTAS ARRESTED!Across the nation, thousands of innocent men in Santa Claus costumes have been arrested and are being held on an array of charges. Public outcry is being ignored as Salvation Army representatives, department store employees and even fathers with young children have been locked up without the possibility of release until after the holidays. Additionally, all sleds, toys and even reindeer are being confiscated as "evidence" at various checkpoints throughout the country, putting a huge damper on the holidays.Following the imprisonment of 2500 Santas and confiscation of over $3 billion in toys and other holiday merchandise, the White House released the following statement:"What we are doing at here is the most biggest smack-down in history there ever was done to the most meanest terrorist threat to ever threatened the American people of America since those buildings were blown up."A White House correspondent who couldn't take it any more, forced his way ont... More About: Holiday , Edition
When time needs repair, Quadrax is there!
2007-12-23 12:22:00 Quadrax has only a few nanoseconds left to go in a critical photon-cell recharge sequence, when he's assigned another maximum priority mission. The dispatch beacon flashes his dock release sensor, instananeously thrusting his transport luge into a hyperslide foldpath. Four picoseconds later, the luge is repositioned 427 light years away in a distant galaxy. "Travelling, even at thousands of times the speed of light, just takes too damn long."Instructions simultaneously reach his cognition ports preparing him for the situation just 8 picoseconds before the arrival of the anomaly. It's a temporal splice de-synchronization in the carbotertian sector M386 where the sentient inhabitants are highly dependent on perceptual continuity, especially when it comes to the sequential linearity of their precious time continuum."The very structure of their minds would disintegrate without it." Quadrax must mend the splice almost instantaneously or Dennis Baxter, CEO of Genentech Corporation, Pla... More About: Time , Repair , Needs
DAN'S DISCOUNT SURGERY EMPORIUM ...We cut into you, not your budget!
2007-12-22 22:14:00 (Jing-a-ling-a-ling-a)Dr. Ralph: Howdy Folks! Welcome to the Dan's Discount Surgery Emporium. Can I interest you folks in an appendectomy? We're having a special sale this week!only $399.99! Whattaya say?Bob: No, My appendix is fine. I just...Dr. Ralph: But you never know when it's gonna go bad on ya and you won't find a better deal. How about you miss? Do you ever get headaches?Julie: Oh, Occasionally.Dr. Ralph: I highly recommend a hysterectomy! And guess what? if you get a hysterectomy today, I'll throw in the appendectomy FREE! That's an $899.99 value for just $499.99! How about it miss?Julie: No.Dr. Ralph: Well let me ask you this; do you have any kids?Julie: Yes.Dr. Ralph: Do you plan on having any more?Julie: No.Dr. Ralph: I really think you should try our total abdominal salpingo oopherectomy! We take it all out, the whole reproductive system. You'll feel younger, lighter (easiest 20 pounds you'll ever lose), no hormones to deal with, no hot flashes, you'll be outt... More About: Budget , Urge
ZOOBREAK!
2007-12-22 11:46:00 Baboon: Alright listen up! The eagle flies at midnight. That'll be your cue, big cats. You need to have the perimeter secured by 12:15am. We're looking at two guards. So you have five minutes to stalk 'em, ten minutes to polish 'em off. Lionesses: Baby, that's fast-food for us! / Yeah, the UN-happy meal! Hah! / Hee-hee-hee, you know that's right, girl!Baboon: Then we spring the zebras, okapis, bongos, antelope, gazelles ...y'know, the "legs." The simians are next, so swing by here and we'll follow you guys to the main gate.Zebra: Okay, Babs. We'll lead the way, but make sure your 'mates stay with the herd.Chimp: Hey, don't worry about us: monkey see, monkey do... just like clockwork baby.Baboon: Okay, next order of business is the main gate. Who's taking care of that?Elephant: What's the load rating on that bad boy?Spider monkey: 4000 lb iron gate, 2 ton steel latch, so I'd say... 2500 lbs of pressure should snap it, if you hit it right at the latch. Elephant: Sheeit! ...
20 Worst Christmas Gifts
2007-12-21 05:48:00 20. Cat Velcro ... Kitty will never stray again19. Ronco mash-o-matic fingerprint eliminator 18. Toothpaste Bomb Set 17. Fart in a Box 16. What's O.J. Done Now? Board Game 15. Bionic Sphincter Kit 14. Dr. Scientist Kit: Rusty nails, hypodermic needle, 10cc tetanus 13. My Pretty Piercing Parlor—Hours of piercing fun for your tongue, ears, nose, and more! 12. Beanie Afterbirth 11. Potty Mouth Pam Doll - Pull her string and she shouts "Doo Doo Head!" and more! 10. Squirrel Farm 9. Pray Station—Cyberchurch game console plays all your favorites: NUN-chuck, The Sermonizer, X-treme Confession, CyberBible 2000, Rabid Dogmas, PriestMeat Escape, Sunday Mass Murderer and more! Virtual morality for home or pew! 8. Slip 'n Fall—Rooftop Outdoor Water Slide 7. Electronic Handheld Ways-to-Commit-Suicide Suggester 6. Severed Chihuahua head key chain 5. Johnny Tweaker: My First Meth Lab!4. Streetwalker Barbie & Big Pimpin' Ken3. Children Bur... More About: Christmas , Gifts
The Mashugga Megillah of the Bialy
2007-12-20 08:22:00 by numbsainA beautiful thing, a real bialy is. It's like a bagel but without the hole in the middle. A good thing, that; If I'm shelling out my dough, Some schmuck taking dough out of the middle of my bagel, I don't need! What do they think, out of my tuchus there's money flying? I should be so lucky. To impress a lady, I would just moon her. God forbid I should be robbed by a homosexual pervert.But as I was saying, No, instead of a hole, a little indent and some chopped onions and poppy seeds for an extra bonus they put in there. But the starter dough they use, is what makes a bialy "a bialy." And from my mouth to your ear, 150 years ago, in a little town in Poland called Bialystok, that starter dough was first created. Just a little putz, my grandfather was, when one day, from the bakery he owned, his father came home and the most delicious bread rolls they ever ate, he had with him, a basketful of. To my grandfather, a little wad of dough, he handed and said:"Menachem, dis d... More About: Mash
Fashion Faux Paws—Road Kill: All the Rage!
2007-12-17 15:28:00 numbsain presentsHowdy Holler-Day Shoppers!I'm Jiblitz!And I'm Gravy!We're Grablitz and Jibbly er, Jablitz and Gribbly... (Jam it Grablitz!)Jiblitz: And today we're here to stand up and make ya Holler-days about a squa-jillion times easier with some blew-it-yer-self, ex-mess gift eye-deers that'll git them li'l plate-lickers so excited they'll pee in their poop-jay's and just start ricky-shayin' off the walls like bumblebees in a nuke-ro-wave oven! Gravy: Ooh-weevils, Taint no bow to doubt it, Jib, and it ain't gonna cost ya a hot squat on a porty-pot neither. Cuz we manufabricate everything outta common extra-ordin-every-day items.Jiblitz: You shed a mouseful there, Gravy', Santa's little heifers ain't got skaddle on us.Gravy: Today we're gwine to show-n'-tell ya how ta make a fashion mistake-ment outta unlucky jaywalkin' varmints who, through no asphalt o' their own, wound up squarshed under the wheel o' misfortune while trying to live life in the oncoming lane. ... More About: Fashion , Rage , Road , Kill , Fash
Investigative Reports: A followup
2007-12-16 09:00:00 by Cheddar Ladies and gentleman, I, Cheddar, recently posted a startling email that began a chain of events that can only be described as earth shattering. I have all but confirmed that Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, and Woody Allen are one in the same individual, running a triumvirate of power unequaled in any other facet of society. But, ladies and gentlemen, this discovery is merely the tip of the iceberg! It turns out that we, the general public, have been duped by other individuals playing multiple roles, and all for very different reasons. In each case, the magic number appears to be three; as in three different personas. Nevertheless, the cunning involved is monumental! I can confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that the following individuals, whom I hereby dub "The Axis of Evil," are all pulling the wool over our eyes! Pay heed! Truly notice the similarities.If these photographs aren't representative of the "Axis of Evil," I don't know what is. Now, separately, these photos m... More About: Tiga
Test Your Knowledge of American Pop Culture
More articles from this author:2007-12-15 08:03:00 by numbsainWhich of these is not a breakfast cereal:1. Post Sugar Crisp2. Kellogg's Corn Flakes3. Hall and Oates4. Fruity PebblesWhich of these is not a wine:1. Cabernet Sauvignon2. Pinot Noir3. Hannibal Lecter4. MerlotWhich of these is not a car:1. Pontiac Lemans2. Buick Skylark3. Daewoo Leganza4. Carmen ElectraWhich of these is not a dog breed:1. Doberman Pincher2. Irish Setter3. Jack Russel Terrier4. Luke SkywalkerWhich of these is not a personality disorder:1. Manic Depressive2. Passive Aggression3. Worker's Compensation4. Obsessive CompulsiveWhich of these is not a soft drink:1. Coca Cola2. Sprite3. Dr Jeckle4. Fanta Which of these is not a venereal disease:1. Gonorrhea2. Hepatitis B3. Syphilis4. HerculesWhich one of these does not play the blues:1. T-Bone Walker2. Blind Lemon Jefferson3. Salvation Army4. Jimmy WitherspoonWhich of these is not a breath mint:1. Tic Tacs2. Hemorrhoids2. Altoids3. BreathsaversWhich of these is not a dinosaur:1. Stegosaurus2. Diplodicus3. Thesau... More About: Culture , Pop Culture , American , Knowledge , Test 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
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