JesseGersten.comJesseGersten.comUncensored Extended Directors Cut Blog of Comedian Jesse Gersten
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Ninja versus Chucky
2007-12-01 18:49:00 This post is directed to those of you who are currently watching Enter the Ninja . Everyone else can just go away and come back tomorrow when I?ve written something that you might understand. You can come back, jut not until tomorrow. Ok, now that they?re gone let?s get down to business. I have ... More About: Versus
Ninja versus Chucky
2007-12-01 18:49:00 This post is directed to those of you who are currently watching Enter the Ninja . Everyone else can just go away and come back tomorrow when I?ve written something that you might understand. You can come back, jut not until tomorrow. Ok, now that they?re gone let?s get down to business. I have ... More About: Versus
Inebriated Pretification
2007-11-30 02:30:00 Today I had the blessed fortune to be in the presence of a drunk painter who, in a remarkably unsuccessful attempt at a public display of intelligence, looked through a window into the rain and proudly exclaimed to everyone ?It?s really pretificating out there? Indeed Pretificate on this, punks thoof_url = "http://www.jessegersten.com/blog/?p=31"; thoof_title = "Inebriated Pretification"; ...
Inebriated Pretification
2007-11-30 02:30:00 Today I had the blessed fortune to be in the presence of a drunk painter who, in a remarkably unsuccessful attempt at a public display of intelligence, looked through a window into the rain and proudly exclaimed to everyone ?It?s really pretificating out there? Indeed Pretificate on this, punks thoof_url = "http://www.jessegersten.com/blog/?p=31"; thoof_title = "Inebriated Pretification"; ...
Unsuccessful Suicide
2007-11-29 03:20:00 Thing 1 Today I saw a woman with the most gigantic ass I?ve ever seen on a mammal. It was as if she stuffed her jeans with 2 fully grown pheasants. She has to be the only person that?s taller when she?s sitting than when she?s standing up. Thing 2 Yesterday at a dinner ... More About: Suicide
Unsuccessful Suicide
2007-11-29 03:20:00 Thing 1 Today I saw a woman with the most gigantic ass I?ve ever seen on a mammal. It was as if she stuffed her jeans with 2 fully grown pheasants. She has to be the only person that?s taller when she?s sitting than when she?s standing up. Thing 2 Yesterday at a dinner ... More About: Suicide
Crabs in your Beard
2007-11-28 01:28:00 NORTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. (AP) — It was at the Honey Dew Donut shop that Cyndi LaRose and her honey said, “I do.” I seriously hope that they were responding to a question such as ?do you like whip cream on your latte??, ?Do you understand the rights I?ve just read to you??, or ?Do you have ... More About: Beard , Bear
Crabs in your Beard
2007-11-28 01:28:00 NORTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. (AP) — It was at the Honey Dew Donut shop that Cyndi LaRose and her honey said, “I do.” I seriously hope that they were responding to a question such as ?do you like whip cream on your latte??, ?Do you understand the rights I?ve just read to you??, or ?Do you have ... More About: Beard , Bear
Lap Dance
2007-11-26 03:38:00 This is the most retarded thing I’ve seen since I went to the Foxy Lady and got a Lap Dance : Table Version. thoof_url = "http://www.jessegersten.com/blog/?p=28"; thoof_title = "Lap Dance";
Lap Dance
2007-11-26 03:38:00 This is the most retarded thing I’ve seen since I went to the Foxy Lady and got a Lap Dance : Table Version. thoof_url = "http://www.jessegersten.com/blog/?p=28"; thoof_title = "Lap Dance";
Oprah Booty Shake
2007-11-24 19:13:00 I?ve changed the pandas to celebrities in this article with hysterical results. SAN DIEGO (AP) ? Giving each other space may not work in every relationship, but it’s what keeps the magic alive for the very fertile giant celebrity pair at the San Diego Zoo. Since 2003, Oprah Winfrey and her consort, Jean Claude Van Damme, have ... More About: Booty
Oprah Booty Shake
2007-11-24 19:13:00 I?ve changed the pandas to celebrities in this article with hysterical results. SAN DIEGO (AP) ? Giving each other space may not work in every relationship, but it’s what keeps the magic alive for the very fertile giant celebrity pair at the San Diego Zoo. Since 2003, Oprah Winfrey and her consort, Jean Claude Van Damme, have ... More About: Booty
Rare Genetic Mutation
2007-11-20 03:54:00 ASHLAND, Ky. (AP) — A man wearing a ski mask used a stapler to hold up an eastern Kentucky ice cream store - and briefly got away with $175, authorities said. It never fails. Whenever I?m in a rut and can?t think of anything good to write about, along comes good ole Kentucky to save ... More About: Rare
Rare Genetic Mutation
2007-11-20 03:54:00 ASHLAND, Ky. (AP) — A man wearing a ski mask used a stapler to hold up an eastern Kentucky ice cream store - and briefly got away with $175, authorities said. It never fails. Whenever I’m in a rut and can’t think of anything good to write about, along comes good ole Kentucky to save the day. One part of me wishes he robbed the store with a spoon demanding he get free samples of every single flavor in the store “elsems this heare spoon be used fer somethin els not scoopin like, uh huh…”. Another part of me wishes that he robbed the store with a pitchfork while wearing overalls before motoring away on his tractor feeding the stolen ice cream to the pig sitting on his lap. And another part of me wishes that he walked into the store holding a possum by the tail saying “this’m here ded pussum gots the rabees an the fut n’mout diseaz so giv’m over now or I’l sik’m on ye”. And yet another part of me wishes that he robbed the store with a sealed and seemingly... More About: Rare
Suffering Orphan
2007-11-17 05:27:00 36 million drivers would flunk drivers tests (AOL Autos) — Is it just your imagination, or do many of your fellow motorists lack even a rudimentary grasp of traffic laws? Not only that, but most of my fellow motorists lack a fully developed cerebellum and opposable thumbs. One in six drivers would fail driving test if they ... More About: Suffering , Orphan , Erin
Suffering Orphan
2007-11-17 05:27:00 36 million drivers would flunk drivers tests (AOL Autos) — Is it just your imagination, or do many of your fellow motorists lack even a rudimentary grasp of traffic laws? Not only that, but most of my fellow motorists lack a fully developed cerebellum and opposable thumbs. One in six drivers would fail driving test if they ... More About: Suffering , Orphan , Erin
Marrying Doggy Style
2007-11-13 23:34:00 Indian Man Marries Dog to Ward Off Curse P. Selvakumar, 33, said he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. To atone for this, he married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony Sunday. I don?t know which is worse, being stoned ... More About: Style , Marrying
Marrying Doggy Style
2007-11-13 23:34:00 Indian Man Marries Dog to Ward Off Curse P. Selvakumar, 33, said he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. To atone for this, he married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony Sunday. I don?t know which is worse, being stoned ... More About: Style , Marrying
Oprah Hotcakes vs Kobe Bryant Burgers
2007-11-13 02:42:00 $110 hamburger lands on Jakarta hotel menu JAKARTA, Indonesia (Reuters) — A hotel in Indonesia is dishing out a hamburger that costs more than twice the monthly minimum wage in some parts of the country. I?m not certain why I?m supposed to be interested in a hamburger that costs 6 dollars and 42 cents. The $110 hamburger offered ... More About: Oprah , Kobe Bryant , Kobe , Burgers , Urge
Oprah Hotcakes vs Kobe Bryant Burgers
2007-11-13 02:42:00 $110 hamburger lands on Jakarta hotel menu JAKARTA, Indonesia (Reuters) — A hotel in Indonesia is dishing out a hamburger that costs more than twice the monthly minimum wage in some parts of the country. I?m not certain why I?m supposed to be interested in a hamburger that costs 6 dollars and 42 cents. The $110 hamburger offered ... More About: Oprah , Kobe Bryant , Kobe , Burgers , Urge
Newborn Baby Fluids
2007-11-11 21:15:00 4 Things 1 Someone said to me today that there is nothing worse than a Summer cold. I politely beg to differ. The top 2 things on my list of things that are worse than a Summer cold are, not in any particular order, mouth syphilis, and people who say really f@cking stupid things. 2 I accidentally dropped ... More About: Baby , Newb
Zombie Bride
2007-11-11 04:18:00 ‘Bride ’ with pot drives into N.H. pond GILFORD, N.H. (AP) — A woman wearing a wedding dress and parked beside a pond drove into the water Wednesday after officers tried to take a bag of marijuana from her, police said. First of all, that?s some serious junkie behavior there. If you?re pulling a stunt ... More About: Zombie
Poop in the Tooth
2007-11-09 03:39:00 I had a tooth implant put in. I deeply regret that I chose a standard white tooth instead of the aquari-implant, complete with a live Sea Monkey with full habitat living inside of it. He would swim in and out of his castle and spend much of his time taunting whoever was standing in front ... More About: Poop
Pinch Their Testicles
2007-11-07 23:32:00 Yesterday I stopped at a store to pick up a water gun to use in training my new kittens to not hop on the coffee table. An employee offered to help and when I told her what the gun was for she started offering all sorts of advice I would expect from a decapitated retarded ... More About: Testicles
Ham Eggs and Bourbon
2007-11-06 03:53:00 Man in chicken suit cries foul over abuse SEARCY, Ark. - To Steven Turnage, it was bad enough to dress up in a chicken suit and stand along a city street in 105-degree heat. Having passers-by shoot bottle rockets at him has him crying foul. Hee?Hee? The only thing I can think of worse than wearing a giant ... More About: Eggs , Bourbon
Colt 45
2007-11-06 03:48:00 I just wanted to let everyone know that I?ve just disproved a popular saying: When you?re smiling, the whole world smiles with you Well, I just smiled, and at the time I happened to be looking at a live feed from a webcam in the Ukraine. I was watching an elderly homeless woman who looked cold and ... More About: Colt
My Sister the Bad Ass Ninja Killer
2007-11-06 03:37:00 I had a dream last night that my father called me to tell me that my sister and her friends were arrested for robbing and killing some ninja. It was never made entirely clear in my dream whether they were real ninja or just men riding ninja motorcycles. Also, if they were real ninja, what ... More About: Ninja , Killer , Sister
Racist Kit
2007-11-06 03:35:00 About 6 or 7 years ago, I was doing a show up in Lake Sonapee, New Hampshire, at some sort of Golf resort in a restaurant/lounge that members and locals congregate at. I went up with Lamont Price. I did about 25 minutes and had an amazing set. The crowd was awesome that night. ... More About: Racist
Anna Nicole Afterthoughts
2007-11-06 03:20:00 Here are my thoughts on the tragic death of Anna Nico le Smith Thought 1 Now that Zsa Zsa Gabor?s husband has claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole?s baby along with 2 other guys, I?ve decided to throw my hat into the ring. I?m really the baby?s daddy. She obviously has my nose and my ...
Green Eggs and Bile
More articles from this author:2007-11-06 02:55:00 Thing Uno Yesterday I ran into an 80 year-old lady whose cell phone ringtone was Justin Timberlake?s ?Bringing Sexy Back?, which resulted in me Bringing Breakfast Back. Back up through my windpipe and onto the snow covered concrete below. The smell of green eggs and bile on the dirty ground smelled noticeably better than the ... More About: Eggs , Green , Bile , Blech 1, 2 |
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