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Blue Collar Gestapo
2008-06-03 20:12:00
Black Gestapo. Not as good as “Blackula”, but definitely better than “Blackula 2 : Black to the Grave”. They should have stopped here though, as most of the sequels never lived up to the original. “18th Street Gestapo Eses” had a predictable story line and especially poor acting. I found myself laughing a few times ...
More About: Blue , Collar

Questions for Stupid People
2008-05-26 02:33:00
I have some questions for any really stupid people who are reading this right now (or more likely having it read to them). How do you manage to get through the day? Do you have some secret bag of tricks that you use to complete basic tasks (things!)? Is there a song that you sing when ...
More About: People , Questions , Stupid , Blech , Stupid people

The American Dream
2008-05-16 04:35:00
There’s a new Wal-Mart commercial, which features a whole family that works at Wal-Mart. They all absolutely love their jobs and the parents are so proud of their boy, because his future at Wal-Mart is bright like a really bright bright light bulb. The commercial ends with her proclaiming: “We truly are the American dream” I’m not ...
More About: The American Dream , Dream , American Dream

Baby Mouse Chimichangas
2008-05-15 02:49:00
  Bear witness to the almighty 2-headed snake. One of the most famous 2-headed corn snakes ever is named Thelma and Louise. The little 2-headed lesbian snake whore went out and had 15 babies. The supreme serpent court is still deciding whether to let them raise the babies. The snake to the left is a Spanish snake. Her ...
More About: Baby , Mouse

Freshly Birthed Chia-Pets
2008-05-01 03:08:00
After years and years of painstaking research, utilizing various research tools such as placebos and double-blind phone surveys, I have come to 5 conclusions: 1 - Of all the rubber animals, rubber ducks are the most baby-friendly, and rubber chickens not only scare all babies, but also most adults. 2 - Rubber ducks are amongst the most ...
More About: Pets , Chia

Pirate Licks Tickle a Little
2008-04-24 02:08:00
If anyone was wondering how many times today I heard the phrase “Don’t touch me, I have shingles”, I’ll give you a hint, it lies right smack between 0 and 2. That’s right, one time. Today I heard exactly one person proclaim their shingles. It was almost as scary as the time I was drinking melonballs with a Pirate at some fufu bar, when he whispered that he had scurvy before trying to stick his tongue in my ear. I swatted him away and ended up getting bit on the nose by his parrot. I couldn’t hear too well in the bar but I think I heard the parrot call me a cracker. That hurt more than the bite. At least the parrot was kind enough to lick away my salty tears. That actually tickled a little, truth be told. It felt a little like cat-licks, but not exactly.

Fried Space Mutant
2008-04-16 05:02:00
The nasty little bugger was nesting on the south side of my plate. I was initially oblivious to its existence, but the look of fear on Paul’s face let me know that something was amiss. Something that could scare a grown man. Something evil. He slowly pointed to the mozzarella stick and I cautiously…perhaps stupidly, ...
More About: Space , Mutant , Fried

Nutter Butter
2008-04-15 03:22:00
I did a show a little while back at a place just south of Boston called Vinnie Testas. Quantity over quality is their slogan, or it should be. When you drive up there’s a couple of valets who I wouldn’t trust to walk my dog, much less park my car. And that’s saying a lot ...
More About: Butter

Support Pimpin
2008-04-15 02:36:00
One day I woke up to find this ribbon stuck to the bumper of my car. Some thoughtless vandal tried to play a joke on me, but little do they know that I, in fact…do support pimpin. thoof_url = "http://www.jessegersten.com/blog/?p=60"; thoof_title = "Support Pimpin";

Spider Man 4
2008-03-04 04:08:00
I was at a giant liquor store yesterday and I came across this JewBeer. Their mascot is a scary Green Goblin Jew. He’s going to be the villain in Spider Man 4. He flies through the air on a jet propelled Yarmulke while shooting Matzah-Ball Bombs and punishing Spidey with his New York Style Bagel ...
More About: Spider man , Spider-Man , Spider-Man 4

Bazooka Joe
2008-02-27 06:39:00
Army considering combat chewing gum NASHVILLE, Tennessee (AP) — Brushing three times a day is a tough task, especially if you’re roughing it in the mountains of Afghanistan or in the Iraqi desert. Interesting that this article was written in Tennessee. I’m not so certain that brushing three times a day happens too often there either. Maybe ...

Beating Meat
2008-02-13 04:42:00
I ran into someone named Bambi the other day and it turns out that Bambi was her real name. What could possibly possess a parent to name their child Bambi? Did they put a pole in her crib? As a toddler, would she walk around in 6 inch clear pumps with a little Nemo swimming ...
More About: Meat , Beating

Necromantic
2008-02-13 03:58:00
A Kentucky high school Spanish teacher has been suspended for showing an R-rated movie in his class. (AP) Cannibal Holocaust? I Spit on Your Grave? Necromantic? Throw Mama from the Train? The teacher, whose identity has not been released, showed “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” in his class at Tates Creek High School in Lexington, WLKY NewsChannel 32 ...

Exotic Chicken Lap Dances
2008-02-10 20:16:00
Woman does ‘mouth-to-beak’ to save chicken ARKADELPHIA, Ark. (AP) Thank goodness, I was getting tired of doing posts about people from Kentucky. And I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall during the town counsel meeting where they decided that if Philadelphia and Arkansas had a little bastard baby, it would ...
More About: Chicken , Dances

Smelly Little Pie Hole
2008-02-03 21:50:00
Cast: Referee - Reeeeealllly low grade actor (think Telemundo fill-ins) hired to wear a referee uniform and call “puppy fouls”, every time a puppy made a mess on the field, at which point he would forfeit any dignity holding on for dear life in his zebra striped body when he would clean the doody with his ...
More About: Hole

Sprayed in the Eye
2008-01-18 02:35:00
There are only 2 things creepier than clowns. The first is clowns without their makeup on, and the second is my last roommate’s spooky homemade doll. I don’t know if you have ever met a clown without his face-paint and his clubfeet jammed inside of his giant clownshoes going about his daily life, but I have, ...

Ethnic Black Hole
2008-01-15 03:11:00
I did a show recently at the Black Comedy Explosion in Randolph, MA. About a half-hour south of Boston, Randolph is the last place you’d expect to see such a show. I fully expect that there were 200 white people at a comedy show in the middle of Boston whispering to each other how they ...
More About: Ethnic , Hole

Who Farted?
2008-01-01 22:46:00
Direct from the website where these precious little critters are sold.   Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach Brooch   A little information on our little friends. These insects come in varied patterns and are decorated with the finest Austrian Swarovski crystal. Each roach takes about an hour of painstaking work to achieve his final magical glory. All roaches are ...

Epileptic Talking Pinball
2007-12-28 03:17:00
If anyone has seen the movie Radio and is wondering where Radio is working now, the answer is at Wendy’s. Radio was the classic film that saw Cuba Gooding Jr. stretch his acting abilities to play a retarded guy who helps a football team develop some character and unite as one race, the human race. ...
More About: Talking , Pinball

All I Want for Christmas is My Blue Baby
2007-12-24 02:01:00
Did you know that babies can sometimes come out Blue ? The bluish skin tone is caused by a congenital heart malformation that robs the blood of oxygen. That being said, I want a blue baby. That’s right…All I Want for Christmas is My Blue Baby …ok, now sing along with me, My Blue Baby, My Blue Baby…I’d ...

Jewish Easter
2007-12-19 04:41:00
Here is a thoughtful message sent to me from a fan. Be gentle as I’m a little hurt right now. you are some sick lunatic with gross pictures. ps youi are a sick dueshbag The last cartoon I did that upset someone this much was my hilarious cartoon in the Tehran Times of Garfield, Odie, Marmaduke and Mohammad ...
More About: Jewish , Easter , Aster

Pee-Pee Pants
2007-12-18 03:54:00
Once upon a warm summer day, my soon to be ex-roommate approached me on the verge of tears because my cat had been peeing all over her stuff. At first I found it funny, but after reflecting on how much it upset her, I realized it wasn’t funny at all. It was hysterical. While holding ...
More About: Pants

the Dead Possum Tearoom
2007-12-16 23:09:00
I had a show recently at the Roadhouse Café in nowhereville Maine. I love how they added Café as if it made the place more elegant. As a general rule, if your establishment has cattle skulls on the wall, the Roadhouse is more than sufficient if it turns out that someone in the area has ...
More About: Dead

6 Claws to Make You Feel Good All Over
2007-12-14 03:21:00
Once upon a time, I found myself at Revere Beach. This beach is the shadiest beach on the planet. I watched a hermit crab that had outgrown his shell take housing in a used syringe. He had a bottle of wine in one claw and the other claw was free to pinch unsuspecting beachgoers in ...
More About: Make , Good , Feel , Feel Good

General Gao?s Patriotic Anus
2007-12-13 05:06:00
Before we dive into cow anuses, I wanted to bring up the fact that lately I’ve been bombarded by Chinese spam. At least I’m pretty sure it’s spam. It looks as if I’m being left comments by people who run a Mah Jong Casino, or who peddle General Gao’s Penis Enlarging Pills, or people who ...
More About: Anus

Pocket Rocket
2007-12-11 02:28:00
Some of my favorite recent television moments moment 1a and 1b The waning moments of Independence Day, when America figures out how to destroy the aliens, eliciting joyous celebrations from around the world. Cut to a group of African tribesmen jumping up and down, waving their spears in the air. One thing is for certain, if they ...
More About: Rocket , Pocket

3 Men and a Baby Jesus
2007-12-09 22:28:00
HOMESTEAD, FL (NBC) — South Floridians have claimed to see holy images in things like grilled cheese or a pancake. On Thursday, a Homestead, Florida man said he saw Jesus in an X-ray he had taken of himself at a doctor’s office. That has to be the least delicious Jesus image in history. “I feel a little ...
More About: Baby

Chanukah Ham
2007-12-08 04:56:00
At least they were thoughtful enough to make it both boneless and reasonably priced. I bet it tastes especially delicious with a thin slice of pepper-jack cheese and a dab of honey mustard sandwiched between two Eucharist wafers. Also, if you cook it backwards for exactly 3 hours you can see an image of the ...
More About: Chanukah

No Ofence to Yu
2007-12-04 02:21:00
This came to me courtesy of future author and sketch comedy connoisseur Randy. Look out JK Rowling! no ofence to yu but i think that stand up comedy is trash id rather watch skit comedy…or jus watcha tv show that a comedian stars in!! cus theres more jokes and its as if he shows me wat to think he acts it out for me instead of thinkin of it myself in my head comedy isnt sumtihng ur imaginiation shows u..its sumthing that that comedian does threw HIS/HER imagination!!….so i guess that i wont find ur stuff funny!! seeing as i got alot of stress in my life ia int got alot of reasons to laff right now peace

What Happens in Omaha
2007-12-03 02:06:00
OMAHA (AP) – Weather forecasters predict Nebraska will receive a treacherous mix of sleet, freezing rain and snow this weekend, so it’s understandable that events may get canceled. That’s just terrible, what with the legendary Nebraska nightlife beckoning. Much like Vegas, Omaha has their own saying “What happens in Omaha, Stays in your nightmares”. At least ...