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So, What's Up With You?
2008-04-04 21:00:00
☐ Perfecting Operatic-Yet-Warbling-Yet-Magnetic Mating Call☐ Donating Kidney☐ Scrubbing Behind Ears☐ Invisible, Sneaking Around☐ Kangaroo Boxing©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Illustration Friday: Homage
2008-04-04 02:30:00
An homage to something or other. This is my answer to Illustration Friday ’s (IF website) assignment to illustrate “Homage”. With three cuts from way nifty Briar Press.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

My'Lady Me
2008-04-02 23:15:00
My peculiar aristocratic title is...Reverend Countess Frederick the Indefatigable of Fiddlehope in the MarshBut I have others, which I pull out for special occasions...Her Eminence the Very Viscountess Frederick the Unhyphenated of Mousehole by SeaandVenerable Lady Frederick the Cowardly of Giggleswich Lanken.My close friends call me Reverend Eminence Venerable Fred.Would you like a high-falutin title? Oh, do! Get your peculiar aristocratic title here.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Not-So-Popular Amusements For Children
2008-04-01 16:00:00
Thankfully, these products are no longer on the market.Staple Yourself!Broccoli BlocksStar Wartz ARC-170 RemoverMonster Toe JamPlay-DooDoo (100% Organic!)Bratz Wurst: Girlz Butchering FashionUkulele HeroKKKenButter Bell*Mind Your Limbs: The Historically Accurate Industrial Revolution Factory Job, Now With No Breaks (Rest Breaks, That Is!)* ’Cept this. But it’s now mostly marketed to adults.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Children , Popular

A Movie Plug
2008-03-28 23:00:00
Everything tastes better with salt.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Movie , Plug

Wheat Vs. Dairy
2008-03-27 23:00:00
©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Wheat , Dairy

Bless You
2008-03-27 00:00:00
©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

What're You Up To?
2008-03-25 14:00:00
☐ 307 lbs (139.252 kgs)☐ Fishing For Compliments☐ At 6am, Watching Red Sox’s Opening Game In Tokyo☐ Cookies☐ Pondering Pantaloons©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Oh, The Places You'll Go (At Building #19)
2008-03-24 22:30:00
I have the Ah-ha moment whilst meandering through the local Building #19. The store’s self-awareness appeals to me and, I don’t know, maybe sometimes it also rubs off. This is the kind of joint where things wind up after close-outs, bankruptcies, accidents and acts of God; the kind of place where, after handling the designer merchandise, you hurry home to wash your paws. All round me, cartooned-up murals make bright declarations, with letters the size of cinderblocks. Black, yellow, and red words remind me to “Suffer a Little, Save a Lot,” and that the free coffee (“Don’t laugh, someday you’ll be old and weak too!”) also comes with free fake cream.The moment comes unannounced and definite, like a sneeze. I’m sifting through the hardcover kid’s books and they keep getting better and better: Do I want a beautifully illustrated African story ($2.99) or a nicely printed Caldecott medal winner ($4.99), or both? Then, Ah!—A...
More About: Places

Sniff-Sniff
2008-03-23 15:00:00
Feet. Cheese. Who smells the difference anyway?©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Yolk's On You
2008-03-22 23:30:00
And you think your break-up was painful?(I'm ashamed to admit this, but... except for the bows, all eggs look the same to me.)©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Weird (But True) Facts
2008-03-16 21:00:00
Facts culled from the kids’ section of Boston Sunday Globe comics (children are my preferred source for late breaking news):If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.Pearls melt in vinegar.A duck’s quack does not echo and no one knows why.A snail can sleep for three years.Typewriter is the longest English word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Weird , Facts , True

It's Time For Change
2008-03-15 18:00:00
It is time for change. What's the biggest amount you’ve pooped out?☐ Lincoln penny☐ Canadian nickel☐ 1894 Liberty head dime☐ Sacagawea dollar☐ Franklin Mint special edition York Peppermint Pattie☐ President©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Change , Time

Did You Remember To Change Time?
2008-03-09 14:00:00
Dear Government People Who Dictate That We "Change Time " Twice A Year,Kindly read this: The Ethics of Changing Time. Kindly stop yanking Father Time round and round. Kindly pretty please. Thank you.Sincerely,P.L. "Yawn" Frederick©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Film Review: Alain Resnais's Black And White Masterpiece, "Last Year at Mar
2008-03-06 22:30:00
It’s a French Groundhog Day.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Film , Review , Film Review , White , Black

Put A Yuck-Yuck Into Office
2008-03-03 23:30:00
I support smart comedy at the office—the political office. I donated smackeroos to the campaign of Al Franken (www.alfranken.com). Al’s running for the Minnesota Senate and I find myself supporting him even though I’m from a completely different M state. Why? Here’s an excerpt from the letter I received, minus the serious bit:Dear Person I'm Asking For Money,One year ago, I launched my campaign to take back Paul Wellstone’s seat in the U.S. Senate....I’ll tell you all about it—but first, we need to talk about money.Can you help me... by making a contribution of $25, $50, or $100 today? Now that I have that first “ask” out of the way, let me tell you why I think the campaign’s going so well.Norm Colman is bad—I mean bad...Our campaign is awesome.In fact, my first TV commercial featured my fourth-grade teacher.Can you help me... by making a contribution of $25, $50, or $100 today? (There. I’ve made my second &ldq...
More About: Office , Yuck

Occupations I'd Like To Have For 24 Hours
2008-02-28 04:15:00
Wrecking Ball OperatorCotton Candy / Stratocumulus CloudSequoia TreeHoboBig Time PhilanthropistMosquitoYahwehCross Country Big Rig DriverKeystone CopNot-Allergic-To-Poison-Ivy PersonMegaballs Lottery WinnerTime Machine OperatorRuby-Throated Hummingbird, Wintering In The YucatanCarnie BarkerDutchess©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Hours

Top 10 Best Numbers Ever
2008-02-25 01:30:00
31095472816©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Numbers

World's Worst Pick-up Lines (For People)
2008-02-19 23:30:00
“At the stroke of midnight I turn back into a pumpkin.”“Look at my fine plummage? Just look! Listen to my beautiful song. Listen! Here, I’ve gathered these sticks for you. Sticks!”“You look expensive.”“Wow, we could be twins!”“Babe, I am—burp. I am, am not... not, so not drunk unk.”“What do you call a dorky guy who doesn’t know how to carry on a conversation? Hello, I’m Albert.”“Do you have a tampon I could borrow?”“Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!”“Are those real? Because I’m pretty sure they are not.”“I’ve been saving myself for you.”“Oday ouyay eakspay Igpay Atinlay?”“I couldn’t help but notice you staring at my monkey shaped mole.”“Smell my butt?”©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. A...
More About: People , Pick , Lines

What Not To Say On The First Date
2008-02-18 23:00:00
“This is not a date.”“Honey, you’re in for a real treat tonight. I’m a beekeeper!”“You look expensive.”“I’m bilingual: I speak Klingon. nuqDaq yuch Dapol?”“Thank you, thank you! Now, for my next fart I’ll take requests. You, at the back table?”“I am wearing sacred underwear.”“Thou yeasty common-kissing barnacle! Sorry, but I suffer from Shakespearean Tourette’s. Do you like seafood?”“Shush, I’m texting!”“Let me check with my mommy.”“I love cats too! You can’t beat a calico kitten for flavor.”“Ooh, the laxative just kicked in.”©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

You Can Count On My Return
2008-02-17 05:15:00
(There’s no accounting for the bad poet inside me.)My heart beats exponentially for you,thump thump, thump thump,endangering my pocket protectorwhose pens shoot out like Cupid’s love arrows,quick shooting and stabbing, tenderly all night.Your two brown eyes, like seeing zeros which I colored inside with a Ticonderoga No. 2 pencil, do they see my compounding interest?Baby you can count on my return.For, line upon line,your wrinkles arouse my calculationslike something my clients say they will keep track of day by day all year long but instead panic and do in one day at the last possible day.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Return , Count

How Much Do Your Feet Sweat Per Day?
2008-02-16 05:30:00
One half-pint. The human average amounts to one cup of foot sweat per day. (At first I typed food sweat. Eww.) That's what I learned this week.Here's some proof: The Why Files and Dr. Scholl's©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Illustration Friday: Blanket
2008-02-08 04:00:00
Last Friday ’s Illustration Friday assignment was to illustrate the word “Blanket ”. Given the wintryness outside my window, I'm picturing a cool blanket of white snow being poked through by flowers. Dainty spring buds are tough little buggers. My tulip ain’t technically a snowdrop—but then that white stuff’s not actually snow.Up for a read? Here’s the whole story...The SnowdropBy Hans Christian AndersenIt was wintertime; the air was cold, the wind sharp, but indoors all was snug and well. Indoors lay the flower; it lay in its bulb, under earth and snow.One day the rain fell; the drops trickled down through the snow blanket, down into the earth, and stirred against the bulb, telling it of the world of light up above. Soon a sunbeam, so slender and penetrating, bored through the snow, down to the bulb, and tapped on it.“Come in,” said the Flower.“That I can’t do,” said the Sunbeam. “I’m not strong enou...

Sticky Note
2008-02-07 05:00:00
Kleenexcascadehand soapTPProstituteListed on a Post-It note found in a Texas bookstore. It now lives on page 66 of “Found Magazine #4”.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
More About: Note

The Unfortunate Cookie
2008-02-05 00:45:00
Golden brown and bent at the waist, the Chinese fortune cookies look promising. The crisp hard shell snaps open like a gift, confetti crumblies splashing into my translucent green tea. Tucked away inside is a special message meant only for me. Me. The white slip of paper slides out, scraping against a sharp cookie edge. I unfold it, holding my breath.A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.I would say so. But what I want to know is what I do not know. After-dinner oracle, tell me a fortune that brings my future to me.You are dreaming. It is time to wake up now.No, no, no. That’s not the speak I expect. Crispy after-dinner treats give insight into their eater’s future, not pithy commentary. Back in the day—not all the way back to scurvy, outhouses, and pinochle either—fortune cookies told fortunes. Real tangible fortunes like Expect miracles in two weeks or A stranger will become your best friend or even You’ve got mail. Just one fortune. That’s...
More About: Cookie

Let's Humor Ourselves, Shall We?
2008-02-02 01:45:00
Humor tidbits from here and there.Can Anyone Learn to Be Funny? – by John KindeLearning humor is like learning to play the piano. Chopsticks anyone?Humor: Tips for unpublished writers – by Robert CraneRobert says, "If you are unpublished, you are one of my peeps." I smell chicken.Humor: Tips for Using it in Everyday Conversation – by Cy EberhartA look at what goes into a successful joke.Humor Skills: What People Find Offensive – by John KindeTwelve factors about our human nature help understand why not everyone thinks farting's funny. Apparently these folks exist.Joke & Story Writing Tips – by Laugh DisorderShort 'n' sweet.Ventriloquist tips: Learn how to become a ventriloquist – by Burgher's EntertainmentHaven't you wondered?Writing tips: Understanding humor (1) – by Rob O'HannonAnyone who does not understand what the word "humor" means raise your tentacle.Writing tips: Understanding humor (2) – by Kate SheaWriting humor is a di...
More About: Humor

Illustration Friday: Tales & Legends
2008-02-01 02:30:00
Feelin’ cosmic and story-fied today. Above is the collage I put together for the current assignment over at Illustration Friday (click it for a bigger view). It combines an ancient creation story and the Orion nebula, which is a good 1,500 light-years from Earth. In the night sky Orion is the brightest spot in the sword of the constellation Hunter. The bird knows.This is my answer to Illustration Friday’s (IF website) assignment to illustrate “Tales and Legends ”. With help from a spectacular NASA image called Chaos at the Heart of Orion and two cuts from Briar Press. The text is adapted from an Aborigine creation story.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License.
More About: Stration

Taking The Flower Power Test
2008-01-30 00:00:00
I took a test and I took it twice. By way of a highly scientific (though secret) process, the test tells me definitively what sort of flower I am. As you can see from the findings I'm not so easy to pin down. Perhaps it's my penchant for letting the cat answer questions by stomping on the keyboard?FIRST TIME, THE TEST RESULTS SAY...I am a SunflowerWhen your friends think smile, they think of you. There is not a day that goes by that you can't find something good about the world and your fellow human.SECOND TIME, THE TEST RESULTS SAY...I am a DaffodilYou have a sunny disposition and are normally one of the first to show up for the party. You don't need too much attention from the host once you get there as you are more than capable of making yourself seen and heard.Does this make me Sundil or a Daffoflower? What kind of flower are you?©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
More About: Power , Flower , Test , Flower Power , Taking

Spammer Match-up Game
2008-01-28 23:15:00
Can you match the name of the spammer with the important email they sent to me?Spammer Booker WigginsClifton U. PickettCoy HoneycuttCrystal RamseyHilario B. LevineJaime BonnerZuzar KnucklesSohrab GandyOrli WigfallMyron BegayMia BowlingDorotheos WertsZenaida KittyWhitfield N. NetThaddeus LightEmail SubjectDon't be shame for reason of of your instrumentYou wins $32,000,000 cash!!!Big Male AggregateGreat male device is the fact that all girlfriend like.Umar investmentExplode your email open ratesHeard you were firedMarylouBodypartPuffyThat your wife speaks, it is necessary to be betterAttn: BENEFICIARYImportant internet warningSick disgusting girl you Won't believe!Need your help!Mindy's in town this weekend.. Are you ready?Say NO to being small-sized loser!Answers: A-3, B-14, C-13, D-8, E-1, F-12, G-5, H-15, I-2, J-9, K-11, L-4, M-10, N-6, O-7.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
More About: Game , Match

Metamucil Berry Burst... Laxative?
2008-01-26 00:00:00
Dear Fiber Supplement Laxative Manufacturer,Your new Berry Burst laxative has got me stuck thinking: Is the “Constipation” and “Burst” combination dangerous in any way? Even though the canister design depicts refreshing colors, three kinds of fruit, and erupting liquid, I’m left with a vague sense of unease. Bursting and constipation are now two concepts floating around in my brain pan together like some geriatric splash-and-burn thriller.Sincerely,P.L. Frederick, Concerned Citizen©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.