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The Results Of My Smurf Test Are In
2007-07-31 18:30:00 I may seek a second opinion on the diagnosis. Dr. Bluebuddies, a world renown Smurf expert, insists that I've got a severe case of...Fortunately, it's neither malignant nor contagious. Smurfy!I feel an urge to live in a mushroom.Take the Smurf Personality Test (bluebudies.com)©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Results , Result
My Cartoon Collection (#12)
2007-07-30 17:00:00 Sometimes humor is about taking a comparison to the next level. About getting out of your shell and falling in love with someone from a separate religion, race, or chemical composition.I like how the tape is so much better drawn than the snails. (Insert wolf whistle here.) And that there's nothing about it that makes it a "she" other than one snail saying so.Two snails near a tape dispenser. One insists, "I don’t care if she is a tape dispenser. I love her."Go see more of Sam Gross's funnies on this New Yorker page (it's fun!) or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
My Cartoon Collection (#11)
2007-07-29 18:15:00 Cute animules talkin' work-out schedules and committment. What's extra funny about this cartoon masterpiece is that neither rodent is presently using the wheel. This forces me, or rather, my brain, to take the connection to the next level: a hamster running on that squeaky wheel into the wee hours of the stinkin' night. Yet hamsters remain chubby. Oh, the mysteries of nature.The description on the New Yorker describes these as gerbils. But they're not. That one there looks like little Sylvia, the marathon wheel runner in my 'hood.Anyone out there besides me say "hampsters"?One little hammy to another, standing before a hamster wheel: "I usually do two hours of cardio and then four more of cardio and then two more of cardio.”Go see Jason Polan's cartoon on the New Yorker page and buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
Norris Gaynor, I Found Your Pen
2007-07-27 05:00:00 We meet at the Lowe's Home Improvement Store. I am carrying bundles of wire coil and a three-pronged claw hammer that looks to be from the Hundred Years' War. I hoist myself up into my mangy smelling pick-up and spy You, peeking out from amidst a severed black bungee cord. A pen! A superior writing utensil, royal blue and smooth in hand. Instincts tell me you'll write in those silky thick lines I like. Where have you been all my life? Dust, dog fur, and wadded up Dunkin Donuts napkins are no place for such glam. Gently, I lift you into my clean palm. My eyes linger over your cobalt blue and silver trimwork—and, wait, what is this?! Lettering? On your side, a tattoo, wrought in classic Times Roman font: Norris Gaynor Summi t Hill Elem. Sch.A fine, educated name for the owner of this pen, who cared enough to personalize it. The abbreviations tell me that a 22-letters-and-spaces-per-line limit was encountered in its man...
Can You See Me Now? (Part I)
2007-07-22 21:30:00 The first installment of a mesmerizing two-part series on mobile telephones.Rushing down the highway only saves about five minutes so my speedometer stays at a comfortable 70 mph, rarely straying beyond 78. The tink-tink turning signal perfectly syncs with the beat on the radio. I keep it quick and courteous, like Speedy Gonzales. Another ten minutes and the Attleboro exit swoops me off and out of the flow. I pretend my old car is a gas-electric hybrid. All the energy from breaking is being stored as energy for the drive home, a couple trips down to Cape Cod, and the blenderizing of a mango smoothie. Mm, mango. The long S-curve dramatically ends at a red light. This time my tink-tink is nowhere near a music beat. Poop. I look around to see if it mashes with any other sound or sight other than my tapping finger. A blinking yellow light. A crow's flapping wings. A jogger's steps. Nope. Nope. Nope. The rear-view mirror shows an approaching nondescript car. No beat. I look at the driv... More About: Part
Mout'ing Off In Egyptian
2007-07-20 01:30:00 All deep yearnings eventually blossom into a many petaled flower—a beautiful flower that is not a stinky giant "corpse flower" that blooms once every 100 years and smells like rotting carrion. For me, this time my yearning has gotten me in touch with my ancient Egyptian side. Thanks to a simple and straight-forward online thingy, I found the Egyptian zodiac symbol that symbolizes the many facets of Me-ness. As of this moment, right now, I confidently come out of the closet as Mouth, the ancient creator goddess who's yawp is heard round the world. Evidently that's why I tell complete strangers, "I brought you into this world and I'll take you out of it." Feminine power and all that.Here's my symbol:MoutIronic, tremendous internal wealth, know how to rapidly connect with others, looks for paternal authority.Colors: Male: brown, Female: red carmineCompatible Signs: Amon-Ra, ThothRole: A creator goddess, she was the mother from which the cosmos emerged.Appearance: A woman wi...
Taste This!
2007-07-09 15:00:00 According to the smartest person on Earth, I have a lot of taste. Buds. I have lots of tastebuds. That Marilyn vos Savant, the one listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for highest IQ, mentioned it in her Parade Magazine column. Turns out that maybe the people who love strong cheese like Blue and Gorgonzola (you know who you are!) enjoy the flavors because they don't have a heck of a lot of taste buds. Those of us who despise strong cheeses (me!) might have 100 times more taste buds. We're the sensitive type. Anything that reeks of stinky old feet generally is not placed in our collective mouth.After reading this—by somebody so smart who says I might be "gifted" instead of a "cheese hating, cultural neophyte"—well, I'm interested. (Marilyn probably even knows what "IQ" stands for.) I Googled and found a more academic article at Yale Scientific called "From 'Supertaster' to the Taste -blind." Turns out that maybe the reason soda pop burns my tongue (s...
Blackened
2007-07-06 22:18:00 Kettle kind, black behindmy slow cooker. Spit fireengine come full steam,chugging charcoal ashstill crackling the woodland hearth.Acres of pine felled andstacked along this fire place,sooting it fine.Firey image from State of South Dakota Fire Meteorologist Randall P. Benson, PhD.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Lack
Reviewing The Septic Tank Brochure
2007-06-27 05:30:00 Early this morning a vacuum sucking truck thing came to my house to clean out the septic tank. An hour later it left. I'm not sure what it did but it gained a whole lot of weight and left behind a brochure. The black and white tri-fold photocopy concerns the use and enjoyment of the Sept ic Tank . It's got it all, and starts off with a bang. Good bacteria helps break down "solids". Anti-bacter ial soap kills good bacteria.See how the Good Guy Bad Guy moralistic set-up occurs straight off? I like that. There's not a lot of space on an 8.5"x11" document to dilly-dally.Things quickly get hot and heavy, with: Anti-b acterial soap can wreck a septic system.A long running family feud between the Anti-bacterials and the Septics makes a gripping read—just look at the Montagues and the Capulets in Romeo and Juliet. There's trouble a brewin'. It's called conflict and it doesn't end there. &nb... More About: Reviewing , Brochure , Viewing
My Cartoon Collection (#10)
2007-06-25 23:00:00 Yup, this cartoon makes my joke collection and my cartoon collection. Two guys. One is a restaurant patron holding a menu and the other is an annoyed waiter. The waiter says, "That filet is for ladies."If you crave to know my extensive thoughts on this, see my previous post called My Joke Coll ection (#9). Bon appétit!Go see lots of Charles Barsotti's cartoons on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cartoon , Cart
My Cartoon Collection (#9)
2007-06-24 18:00:00 Hah hah ha! What is there about talking animals? It's my weakness. By "talking" I mean "typed words of" and by "animals" I mean anything that's got a face and isn't human. Potatoes don't count because they've only got eyes, present company excluded.In case the image doesn't show, here's the cartoon description: Two butterflies. One has beautiful butterfly wings. The other has a Mondrian-inspired geometric wing pattern, very exact. Mondrian asks, "But how will we raise the kids?"The timeless question. Which religion? Which politics? Can a fine artist afford children? Who wins a Man versus Nature argument? And why is the Butterfly not called the Flutterby, because that's what it does?I wonder what they decided.Go see lots of Robert Leighton's cartoons on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
My Cartoon Collection (#8)
2007-06-24 00:00:00 I don't care if you are a dinosaur monster, that's gotta burn more than milk or corn coming out the shnoze.In case the image doesn't show, here's the cartoon description. Two monsters enjoy a night on the town, cracking open buildings and slurping up the people inside. One pauses, reminiscing, "Remember that time you made me laugh and people came out of my nose?"Why yes, cartoonist Arnie Levin and the New Yorker, yes I do.Go see more of Arnie Levin's funnies on this New Yorker page (it's fun!) or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
The Spoon, Most Noble Of Eating Utensils
2007-06-22 22:30:00 Forks can't hold their sauce and knives are bloodthirsty killing machines. The spork is an evolutionary dead end, like the mule. Chopsticks are contingent on a pinching technology that utilizes not one but two sticks—two! As if one weren't pricey enough. And really, isn't a chopstick a skeletal knife or a one-pronged fork? Phew! Let's take a moment now to cleanse our auras of negative flatware vibrations and the fact that in my excitement to impress you I typed the word "utilize" instead of "use". Take a deep nose-breath into the lungs and belly. Hold, hold, keep holding. Okay now, release, release through the mouth. Release those negative ions. Every last ironic ion on or in us. Breathe 'em out, way away. They need not tarnish the upcoming spoon-fed vision.For, hark! The noble teaspoon: superior, trusted, and true. Tasty even. Superheroic. Ponder this morsel: You're stranded on a deserted island with only one eating utensil. What would you choose to be stranded with? I ... More About: Spoon , Noble , Eating
Anizo 100% Reality Mind
2007-06-22 04:15:00 "Anizo 100% Reality Mind ." What this means, I have no idea. A friend found it living in a vending machine on the street in China and brought it back to Boston for me. The one-inch tall yellow plastic guy (I think it's a he) has a smile, a blue tear, a pair of hand holes, a growth atop his head pierced clean through, and, on his backside, a man getting squeezed between two lines that I hope do not represent butt cheeks. The warning printed on the paper insert commands, "Do not use as lifeguard equipment."Anizo and I, we're inseparable. Anizo 100% Reality Mind!©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Ality
The Sideburn Chart
2007-06-20 18:45:00 Are you a banker or a professional athlete? Are you a 'way out professor' or a clergyman? Find out now with the Sideburn Char t ! It's free!I'm a sucker for church bake sales and, fortunately for me, every religious institution seems to have a worshiper with a stove. Fruited cookies, fresh bread, chocolate brownies, pecan pies. They often branch out into books too. Not book burning, but the selling of books—raw books. That's how I came upon this handy-dandy Sideburn Chart in an old 1970's paperback (click image to enlarge). Had to buy the entire boring book to get at it so good thing it was in the Free bin. Yes, we at Small and Big are devoted to saving special antiquities from fading away forever. Please note that that is not my chocolate chip cookie stain on the man's cheek but rather an honest-to-goodness rosy cheeked cheek. That's how they look in black and white I guess.Treasure Small and Big, folks. This is a place where you learn stuff. Plus in a few hundred year... More About: Burn
Downward Dog
2007-06-14 16:15:00 Parched dust gloms to her fura mist of powdered straw dulls her dark overcoatfogging up the shine.Rolling in last year's stemsshe's a farm dog nowwild fed, sand slept, flead, and full-time.Finding adrenalin in the dirtshe twists quick, flaps into the windand blinks her one-walk-a-day, feed-me-twice eyes.Barney the dog photo from www.whitehouse.gov/president/springatwhit ehouse/07.html. Pretend that's dirt and dead grass he's rolling in and that he's a she. That makes it 'interactive' poetry.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Ward
Cats Under Stuff
2007-06-04 18:30:00 Cats leave lots of stuff on us: dark fur, light fur, claw marks, tooth imprints, long dark fur, long light fur that's slightly wavy, roughed up skin from one too many lickin's, striped fur of various lengths, and happy drool. While these items are rarely permanent, isn't it high time us humans put something over on kitty cats? Visit folks who've taken that oh-so-important first step at Stuff On My Cat.Look at the booties on this catboy. Giddyup!Question Of The Day – Are cowboy boots a man's excuse to wear high heels? Small Print: No puddy tats were harmed in the making of this post.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cats , Under
My Cartoon Collection (#5)
2007-06-04 03:46:00 Good comedy is all about snails... sheriffs... No, wait. Timing. Successful comedy is about timing.Here's another goody from Charles Barsotti and the New Yorker. Three snails dressed as cowboys: an unshaven bad guy in black hat, a sheriff in white hat and star badge, and a bystander caught in the middle. I love the determined expression on the bad guy snail. The bystander says, "He's long gone, sheriff—you'll never catch him." The bad guy is like ¼-inch away. Is the caption humorous on its own? I think not. Is the drawing amusing on its own? It's cute, but. So two unfunnies can make a laugh riot. Mathematics is funny that way.Mr. Barsotti's website is at www.barsotti.com. Go see more of the cartoonist Mr. Barsotti's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it. Be quick about it!©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
Apparently I'm The Sun
2007-06-02 21:45:00 I took another test. You know me, first in line for any test. It was time for me to find out "What Tarot Card are You?" After asking for my opinion on important matters such as favorite colors (all of 'em) and my sex (yes, no, maybe), the CyberWarlock proclaims that the tarot card that best describes me is the Sun. Please don't stare up into the day sky to see me. Let's practice eye safety and instead examine these pictures from three different card decks thoughtfully provided by the Warlock. The angel-hair-muscled-beer-belly artwork is evocative and Dr. Hypnosis making the ladies dance looks promising, but I admit that I'm a bit frightened by the third illustration. Is the archer supposed to be me? If so, my knees are on backwards, which probably explains the flames.Enough with the art. Let's talk about me. Here's what the Warlock proclaims about P.L. Frederick.You are The SunHappiness, Content, Joy. (A nice way to start.)The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consist... More About: Rent , Appa , Parent , Pare
My Cartoon Collection (#4)
2007-06-01 17:45:00 Rose Is Rose makes for sweet reading. The caring cartoon family is lovingly created by cartoonists Pat Brady and Don Wimmer. The picture from comics.com will eventually go away so for prosterity's sake I'll record an official transcription of said cartoon: Panel 1: Rose fills glass of water from her kitchen. Pan el 2: She leaves house with the glass. Panel 3: She walks to the back of a motor home, reaches its ladder. Pane l 4: Climbing atop motor home, Rose hands spilling glass to her chubby mother. Mom sits in a lounge chair, relaxing and smiling. She's got a rug and maybe an eating trough handy. Rose says, "Mom! I wish you'd stay in the house with us when you visit!" Mom responds, "Oh! ... More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
My Cartoon Collection (#3)
2007-06-01 03:29:00 I saw this cartoon in last week's New Yorker magazine. (Just like Playgirl, I read it for the cartoons.) I wouldn't normally catalog something so new in my classics file, but I knew as soon as I saw it that this one's a keeper. Over the years I've thought about this tree-standing-up thing a lot, primarily while sitting or laying down. A couple of years back I took a trip to Florida with my better half, Pablo. I urged us along on a side trip to visit a character billed as "The Senator" (web page). The Senator is North America's oldest tree, older than you, and said to be a respectable 3,500 years of age. When we arrive it's like someone's overgrown backyard forest: dirt road, no mowed areas, no advertising spiel. We follow the broken sign for about 100 feet until our path is blocked by a scary metal chain link fence that—holy cow! We look up at this huge baldcypress tree. Amidst my awe I think, well, the world and me sort of grew around this big guy. Lives pass by, war h... More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
My Cartoon Collection (#2)
2007-05-30 04:45:00 Favorite cartoony number two? A dog and cat duo from Mother Goose and Grimm's Mike Peters (grimmy.com). Click the picture there and a big version'll pop up in a new window.If you have trouble following cartoon panels (I used to be one!) or are too uninterested to click the picture, the drawing goes like this: Doggie : "Sniff sniff (pole). Sniff (fire hydrant). Sniff sniff (brick wall)." Cat: "Grimm, what are you doing?" Dogg ie: "I'm checking my p-mail." Har har har! Funny animule drawings, the word pee, and a pun. If humans were as nose-centric as dogs there'd be more research and development money spent on perfecting something truly useful: Smell-O-Vision. Wouldn't you go to a scented movie? Think truthful advertising—"This movie stinks!"If you like doing cartoons but can't draw, the Dayton Daily News newspaper has a weekly contest where Mike draws it an... More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
Plumbing The Depths Of Humor
2007-05-28 18:00:00 Humor is everywhere—even in your toilet plumbing. Especially there. Case in point: Go down to your basement and grab Black & Deckers' Complete Guide to Home Plum bing, the newly expanded 3rd edition book. It's okay, we'll wait. Lah dee dah. Humm dee dum dee—Back already? Okay, now read the joke on page 132.Opening the paperback to the potty section, you read, "What do you get if you cross a toilet with a food disposer?" If you think the answer is "Ummm, sick?" you'd be wrong. Read on."It may not be the most pleasant combination to consider, but the answer is a macerating toilet."Macerating toilet!"Macerate," you ask, "as in 'to soak fruit or other food in liquid in order to soften and flavor it with the liquid'?"Sure! I guess. Keep reading."Based on the grinder-and-pump unit that is installed next to or behind the toilet, a macerating toilet grinds waste finely enough that it can be pumped upward through a ¾-inch pipe and evacuated..."Okay, that's enough. I ... More About: Humor , Humo , The D , Bing
My Cartoon Collection (#1)
2007-05-27 21:50:00 Okay, so my next assignment in gettin' funny is to gather together my favorite cartoons and captions. Here's the first and it's a doozy by that master of masters, Gary Larson of The Far Side (farside.com).The obese cartoon kid puts everything he has into pushing the door open—underneath a big "PULL" sign. Showing somebody pushing on a door clearly marked Pull is funny in and of itself, but even more funny when the caption points out that this is a genius kid attending the Midvale School for the Gifted.More than being amusing, this cartoon teaches a lesson. Why, every time I pull a Push door or push a Pull door I take a moment to reflect that I, too, am a genius and shan't be bothered by things that require nary common thought.More on Gary Larson at salon.com and Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Cartoon , Cart , Coll
A Few Words
2007-05-21 19:00:00 It's fascinating to see one's words analyzed by a professional. "Professional what," you ask.A professional faceless, bodyless computer thingy. Called TagCrowd. I've been pasting my blog stories into TagCrowd so that it can digest 'em and then cough up the most frequent words I used. But when I plug in Death In The Kitchen—which is an attempt to amuse all creatures currently on Earth as of ADE 2007—TagCrowd displays it as a kind of evil. Words like clunk, death, door, ice, and stale show up most. Sigh. On one of my usual days I would make the sweeping generalization that computers don't "get" "my" "work". I would boldly type about the prejudices I face, trying to bring my brand of artifical humor to the artificially intelligent. Then, because it has been proven by clowns the world over that nothing is funnier, I'd throw a pi in their face. "What face," you ask. "You're anthropomorphizing."In my face then. I'd throw it in my face. But I won't. Instead I'll just...
Hey, Hay Fever!
2007-05-20 00:04:00 Everybody with hay fever: raise your hand. Hmmm, one, two, three, four, five... 1,852,003... 690,407,899... Okay, I see that I'm not alone in this. Allergies are becoming more and more popular with us humans. Hopefully it's just a phase us Homo sapiens are going through—like acne, disco, and the Crusades. Some foods exacerbate allergic reactions. (Chamomile tea is a big one. If you've got allergies to pollen and flowers, stay away from this stuff. Uck. Flowers make the prettiest headaches.) Last weekend I found out something that surprised me: eating raw apples, pears, and carrots can be a big no-no. According to the magazine insert in my Sunday newspaper, Parade Magazine (go there), these delicious foods "contain a protein that resembles pollen and causes a reaction in people who have pollen allergies." Just because something is "natural" doesn't mean it's healthy for all people, all the time, I guess.Here's an allergy-to-food low-down from Allergy UK (go there). If you... More About: Ever , Fever
Morning Migration
2007-05-11 15:45:00 Herd's racing fast this morning, driven by a collective inner urge to keep moving, just keep moving. We tear over the charcoal gray trail, tracked smooth and hard as new asphalt. I quickly close in on the slow silver beast with soft rust spots. I curve into the fast lane and pass the old thing with a flourish, careful not to cut in front of him too closely and trip him up. Moments later I'm passed by a growly red Ram leading a troupe of luxury sedans. They swerve in front of me, their red eyes glowing back, unblinking in the early dawn. Fumes of oil exhaust cloud my nostrils and I snort.Hundreds of us wind over wavy hills, speeding up the inclines and coasting down the backsides. Young sunlight casts long teasing shadows. Persons studying our group from afar would proclaim us a wonder of nature—a dynamic, fluid, powerful current. But down here in the thick of it we keep one eye alerted to dark overpasses, camouflaged silhouettes, any bush large enough to hide behind. High-st... More About: Morning
Illustration Friday: Neighbor
2007-05-10 03:15:00 Click image above for larger viewWhether it's a child's birthday party, a circus, or just for fun, wearing a two-person horse costume means someone has to be the back. Being a good neighbor means letting others go first sometimes.Wish I hadn't made their armsies, eyes, and ears white—color contrast is too great. Maybe I'll change it tomorrow. It's been a couple weeks since I last participated in IF. Feels good to be back.This is my drawing for the Illustration Friday (IF website) assignment to illustrate "Neighbor".©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Trat , Lust , Stra
Powdered Peanut Butter
2007-05-07 14:00:00 By Small and Big's on-staff "food" reviewerThe future is here! Who'da thunk it'd arrive as peanut butter? There officially exists in the world something called PB2, Powdered Peanut Butt e r, by Bell Plantation (go there) in Georgia, USA. I know this because a friend gave me a half jar of it (plastic, of course) because it's weird, has 75% less fat, and isn't bad. Actually, it's surprisingly good—but flatter tasting when compared to regular butter o' peanuts. (Unfortunately, folks allergic to peanuts would still be allergic to it.) I figure the manufacturing process goes like this: 1) Take a peanut2) Squeeze the heck out of it3) Put the powdered stuff in a peanut butter container and the oily stuff in a peanut oil container It's edible in powdered form but it's really meant to be turned back into peanut butter by you, the "consumer". Just add water. PB2 + H2O makes it creamy just like the regular old-fashioned, non-Jetsons (go there) kind. A... More About: Butter
Here's A Lift
More articles from this author:2007-05-06 06:30:00 I've just spent the last half hour stuck in cute overload. Literally. Cute Overload will make anyone, even you, all giggley inside. World peace starts here. Lock all the world's leaders in one room and make them study these cuties. Who can be warmongering with giggly insides?It's important to know the rules though: The Rules of Cuteness (Cute Overload).©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide. More About: Here , Lift 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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