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The Dictionary Must Be Wrong
2007-10-15 23:00:00
Or maybe my made-up definitions are erroneous? Nah!buttress: big booty support systemcloset: what my cat does to my furniture, drapes, and the dogcontractor: someone with a John Deere and a prison recorddelicate: a pastrami-shaped felinedivest: snazzy burial attirefriendship: the best cruiselinegumbo: Gumby's toothless twin brotherhandicap: good with hatshermit: what a female teammate uses to catch ballsinspire: to cause to sweat internallylicense: the pleasing aroma produced when lice are burnedmanifest: a carnival of men; usually involves naked oil wrestling or a chili cooking contestmoral: to need more L'spigment: the other white concreteshampoo: cute, fake excrementsynonym: to sing the dirty parts of a hymnrelax: what you do when the first dose of laxatives doesn't kick inrooftop: a dog's head; the best petting spot on Spottreason: a straping sapling; a whippersaplingtulips: what chickens don't haveThis assignment was to—you guessed it!—take a word and make up a...
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Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction
2007-10-12 23:00:00
This whole humor-malaprop thing is over. Phew! As I mentioned previously, "my brain found this exercise really really-really, reallyreally, really—really—really really, really difficult. Really." I would add to that two things: really and really.But, as with challenges, I learned lots. Like, Mala propism is a real word? And, Even if I had health insurance, treatment for it is non-reimbursable.To recap: Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction : Part I - misuse a word (on porpoise)Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part II - substitute a wrong word and liven up the sentence Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part III - use the right word but the wrong definitionBlogosphere, what do you think about my tries?For the backstory on why I'm doing this, read my previous post, I Can Learn To Be Funny?©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part III
2007-10-11 23:15:00
"An invisible dog fence? I'll believe it when I see it."Free refills, 75¢The hotshot hitter didn't win Rookie of the Year this year either.He's single minded about his multiple personalities.The new yoga instructor said, "Watch me and keep your eyes closed."If we were married we'd be divorced."My doctor says this medicine is 100% effective, except for the side effects.""My favorite color is 8.""Next time I order a new dish, first I'm gonna make sure I like it.""Relax!""I don't need money. I have a credit card.""We welcome your opinions—just keep them to yourself."As a janitor she possessed great skill: she could sweep the rug under the floor. As a mayor too.Silence speaks to me."Work, work, work. That's all you ever are."The grass is always greener under the money."You look tired. Have you been sleeping all day?"His mental focus is a blur.Overheard at the family picnic: "This cake is awful. Make my next slice smaller.""If you see my earring, go ahead and answer it....
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Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part II
2007-10-09 23:00:00
Monkey see, monkey doo-doo.(do)I can't follow a map. I always was bad at choreography.(cartography or geography)The fashion model's getting a faceloft and breast transplants.(facelift and breast implants)See no, hear no, speak no Evel Knievel.(evil)At the hospital cafe I ordered a banana splint.(split)I think kids are exposed to too much violins on televison.(violence)A big raindrop landed on my lip but it turned out that it's snot.(not)In order to see well enough to drive my car, I cleaned off the weirdos.(windows, but occasionally weirdos can be correct)A nose by any other name would smell as sweet.(rose)Puffing on a cigarette, the cowboy spoke with a slow withdrawl.(drawl)We just bought a brand new Ford Tortoise. It's green.(Taurus)Even with a war on, today's public libraries are filled with looks.(books)After the study was complete scientists began tantalizing the data.(analyzing)Support your community: buy and eat loco.(local)Uncle Carl loves to talk and tell stories. He s...
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Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part I
2007-10-08 23:30:00
According to Wordnet, malapropism means "the unintentional misuse of a word by confusion with one that sounds similar." I do it all the time. But never on purpose. For this portion of my learning to be funny I've got to figure out how to do it on purpose. This assignment is to make a sentence with one incorrect word and no attempt at being humorous (that I can do!). Here are my tries.At the farm I petted a donkey and a lava.(Let's hope it was actually a "llama.")Be careful around that llama. She'll shirt you in the eye.(The speaker meant to say "squirt" instead of "shirt.")For winter, the vampire bought a fancy new fur escape.(A "cape" would be more wearable than "escape.")There are 206 bones that make up the human gelatin.("Gelatin" should be "skeleton.")My astrological sign? I'm an Aquarium.("Aquarium" should be "Aquarius.")This holiday, the whole family's taking a long, restful vaccination.(Meant "vacation" instead of "vaccination.")After she started exercising, her weight d...
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A Rose By Any Other Name
2007-10-06 04:00:00
After a dirty nine-month slog I have finally arrived at Chapter Two of the "Comedy Writing Workbook". Jeepers H. Cripes. Now my assignment is to find definitions of 20 words so as to learn "the nuances of the English language, and how words can be tricky, playful, and useful in creating comedy." All very useful stuff but what I want to know is, How did earlier humorists-to-be cope without Google and WordNet?bearhave: "bears a resemblance"wear: have on one's person: "he bears a red ribbon"give birth: "she'll bear twins"digest: put up with something or somebody unpleasant: "she learns to tolerate the twins"move while holding up or supporting: "bearing gifts"hold or support in a certain way: "she holds her head up high"behave in a certain way: "she bore herself with dignity"bring forth: "the tree bears apples"take on as one's own the expenses or debts of another: "he bore the responsibility"yield: bring in: "interest-bearing accounts"have rightfully; of rights, titles, and offices: ...
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My Collection Of Favorite Cartoons
2007-09-28 23:30:00
Here is the official list of Small and Big's favorite 25 cartoons. This is another one of these exercises I'm doing to hone my humor muscle, wherever that is. 1) Gifted child — by Gary Larson2) Checking p-mail — by Mike Peters3) When a tree's alone in the forest... — by Sam Gross4) Family burdens — by Pat Brady5) Criminal snail escape — by Charles Barsotti6) Church of Mathematics — by Bill Watterson7) Amish midlife crisis — by Harry Bliss8) Delicious dinosaurs — by Arnie Levin9) On butterfly wings — by Robert Leighton10) Ordering the wrong food — by Charles Barsotti11) Hamster cardio — by Jason Polan12) Slow love — by Sam Gross13) Making friends — by Gary Larson14) Toothpaste personality test — by Evan Fisch15) E=mc3 — by Gary Larson16) Cows rule — by Gary Larson17) Stop and what? — by Sam Gross18) Friendly leaves — by Charles M. Schulz19) Mammoth roles — by Michael M...
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Illustration Friday: Juggle
2007-09-27 22:00:00
Click image above for larger viewHoneybees today juggle lots of stuff: the latest disease, staying healthy amongst lawn and garden pesticides, and deciding which delicious flower nectar to suck up next. This little one here has been joyfully workin' the flowers. Go, honeybee, go!This is my drawing for the Illustration Friday (IF website) assignment to illustrate "Juggle".Check out other SMALL & big postings about bees:Bee SchoolThe Work Of The Honeybee©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#25)
2007-09-26 23:30:00
Shootin' the breeze, old lady style. Cute little old lady says to another lady sitting in her parked, upside-down car: “Marie, are you still driving?”Go see more of Eldon Dedini's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#24)
2007-09-26 02:00:00
Sometimes the humor is all in the drawing. I mean, the concept is funny but the drawing is fun-ney.Woman at the podium introduces a speaker with: “And so, without further ado, here's the author of Mind over Matter...” In the background we see the author walking onto the stage—and running into a huge post.Thank you to somebody over at Alemeda for this cartoon! Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com or peruse The Far Side at farside.com. And then there he is on Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#23)
2007-09-24 23:00:00
This is the slowest cartoon ever. Sloths are funny that way.Notice how the two sloths hold the tree limb exactly the same way. It's a study in opposites.I admire Alex Gregory's clean, deliberate drawing style. Lots of white space and when he lays down an ink line he means it. Two sloths hang from a tree, and one of them is upside-up. Hanging Down Sloth asks: “How long have you been on antidepressants?”Go see more of Alex Gregory's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Small & Big Turns 1 Year, 1 Month, And 6 Days Old Today
2007-09-22 01:30:00
My, my, my. How Small & Big has grown since its auspicious birth on August 15, 2006. We now possess an audience of over five readers (including parents and pets). In celebration, here's a healthy cake for you, our Favoritist Reader. For best results: 1) Print this page from a color printer2) Using print-out as a model, bake a cake that looks exactly like it3) Eat non-paper cake4) Wipe face with color print-out5) Repeat steps 1-4 as necessaryOn the day we were borned, we made these three (three!) postings:Born Again - a short story / essay thingyTwo Liners - poemsThree Liners - more poemsThanks for reading, Poopsies!Hungry for more birthday musings? Try these...So Today 's Your Birthday - not that you asked for advice, but...Separated At Birth? Stephen Colbert And My Cat - hee hee... huh?(and the follow-up, How My Cat Is Unlike Stephen Colbert)You Are No Longer A Baby Elephant - layin' on some serious adviceDelicious cake decorated with cute vegetables from www.kitchengarden.org.uk...
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My Cartoon Collection (#22)
2007-09-21 00:00:00
Pretty much.That's me in the black suit there, buying into obsolescence. I'm searching for a camera with built-in Macroizationals for taking pictures of teensy-weensy stuff, No-Manual-Reading-Because-I-Won't-Anyway, and a price nearest to $0. At the precise moment you buy a spiffy cool new technology it has officially become obsolete. Ah, how I yearn for the good old days when you'd buy a car, drive it off the sales lot and see its value drop by only 66%. Unlike technology, cars also include a place to sit. A man shops for a new camera. The salesperson demonstrates features: “And this light here lets you know when the camera is obsolete.”Go see more of Alex Gregory's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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P.L. Frederick Brings Woman Back To Life
2007-09-03 01:45:00
The hype is true! I brought some lady back to life—of a sort. Short story long: I'm one of the posters on A Little Net Story. The blog is based on that game where one person writes a paragraph and then a second person writes the next paragraph, then a third person writes and so on. So I decided it was my turn to write and then I decided to bring freshly shot Ms. Melody Mutterback-O'Knuckleton back to the hospital and then that evening, around 9'ish, I decided to clip my nails. (I do all my deciding on Mondays.)Devoted readers of SMALL & big may notice oodles of "k" sounds in Melody's name. Earlier in the storyline she had been given the musical name of "Melody" but no surname. Because I now know that the "k" sound is scientifically preferred by our brain's humor appreciation cells, I gave her a last name and splattered k's everywhere. (The word "subtlety" has no k sound.) Anywho, check it out my plot twist called Part 12 and lemme know what you think. Even better: add im...
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My Cartoon Collection (#21)
2007-08-15 23:40:00
My cartoon collection is swelling like a three-day-old cow carcass. Carcass is a funny word, much like cookie. They rate as funny because they've each got the two "K" sounds. Of all the sounds in the English language, the K is supposed to be the most humorous to our brains. Cookie carcass. See? People, I couldn't make this stuff up.Two vultures sit on a dead tree limb. One says, "It was a good rotting carcass, but it wasn't a great rotting carcass."Go see more of Tom Cheney's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it. More on funny words at Wikipedia©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#20)
2007-08-15 03:00:00
Lady, I concur. This one's just plain weird. Hence its inclusion in my personal Cart oon Coll ection. The humor here is about contrast—contrast between a surreal super wave in an in-ground pool and the calm every-day reaction of the cartoon people involved. That's all I have to say about that.Tom Cheney drew this beaut but he didn't come up with the caption. Instead, it was the winner in a recent New Yorker cartoon caption contest. If you wanna try your hand at the next one, go to newyorker.com/captioncontest. Losing was never so funny.A couple sits poolside. The stunned man looks up from his newspaper at the huge wave about to crash into them. The woman, still reading her novel, says, "I told you this house was too close to the moon."Go see more of Tom Cheney's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.

My Cartoon Collection (#19)
2007-08-13 23:30:00
Ah, yes. Now I remember how this went. Getting a fresh perspective is healthy for the brain. The best humor can turn conventional thought upside down—and belly side up.Michael Maslin's drawing style is pretty humorous in its own right. Look how much expression he puts in the man's eyes with a couple circles. The exploding volcano spew cracks me up.A long time ago a man picked berries and a woman held a spear. An angry-eyed mammoth stared at the spear and the woman said, "On second thought—you hunt, I'll gather."Go see more of Michael Maslin's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#18)
2007-08-11 00:30:00
I grew up eating peanuts by the Charles M. Schulz Company. Peanuts cartoons are full of rep, rep, repetition. Here, all four panels are pretty much the same. So simple. And simplicity works. I'm learning that less words can make for more humor. Write a fun story with 500 words and cut it down to 250 to see what I mean. Yes, it's a painful process, but see if your humor isn't made more direct and to the point. What gets cut are the so's, and's, but's, very's, and a crapload of blah.Pull up a chair and let's get personal. This Snoop Dogg cartoon is deep. It's obvious to me and you that a dying leaf wouldn't, couldn't smile back. Well, sometimes people are like leaves. They're hurt or frightened or angry and they do not, they can not smile back. They were far from being healthy Snoopys before your attempt at a friendly connection. Don't take it personally.Snoopy the dog sits beneath a tree. A leaf falls to earth as he watches, smiling. After it lands Snoopy looks away, thi...
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My Cartoon Collection (#17)
2007-08-09 23:50:00
Repetition is funny. This one plays off one of the biggie rules of comedy—Humor Comes In Groups of Three—in an unexpected way. First I read the sign, STOP AND THINK. Second, I read the caption about stopping and thinking. Third, I think, Did this cartoon trick me into reading the same thing twice? This makes me stop and think.This also makes my cartoon collection because it's a big-bold-all-capital-letters dumb joke. I mean, come on.Two men in suits stand before a large STOP AND THINK sign. One man says, "It sort of makes you stop and think, doesn't it."Go see more of Sam Gross's funnies on this New Yorker page (especially if you could use a chuckle) or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Rock, Rock, Rockin' Girl Blogger
2007-08-08 23:00:00
Woo hoo! Maureen over there at Stale Coffee (now I'd Rather Be Blogg ing) gived me a nifty nice award. Here's the proof. She says I rock. I rock hard like granite, feldspar, and mica. I'm a Rock in' Girl Blogger . (How did she decipher P.L.'s femaleness? I thought that on the Internet nobody can tell you wear a dress.)Now comes the moment you've been anticipating: I divulge some of my fave XX-chromosomal bloggers, all alphabetical-like:Crystal @ Boobs, Injuries, & Dr. PepperStraight up funny, honest, and kinda nasty. Whee!Meg and Girl Crew @ Cute OverloadGo ahead, try not to be overpowered by animule cuteness and an invented language. Sully @ Sully's Design StudioFascinating to see a daily visual diary put out by a professional artist and designer. How do she do it?I dutifully bestow the Rockin' Girl Blogger award upon each of you. Do with it as you will. Rock on.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.

Big Wendy Whippet
2007-08-08 02:30:00
We proudly announce Small and Big's first ever Doggiebuilding Championship! First place goes to a dark-haired beauty from Victoria, Canada. She's 28 years old (in human years) and loves playing ball, long afternoon naps, and eating medium-sized children. Just kidding folks! (She prefers the smaller ones.) Our winner is... Wend y the whopping whippet!Apparently, Wendy's naturally ripped condition comes by way of inheriting two special genes from her Mammy and Pappy dog. Despite weighing 60 pounds she does nothing special to be all muscley. But I'll bet when she decides to sleep on the people bed, she sleeps on the people bed.And our second place winner? All other dogs.Read more at the Times Colonist or see more photos at The Daily Mail.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#16)
2007-08-06 22:15:00
Ever get the feeling that today's world is (fossil) fueled by four bovine stomachs? Now you know why. Ah, the days when the earth first moo'ed and milk grew on trees. Gary Larson flies us back to yesteryear with a quirky six grader's imagination and a comedian's pen. Love the squinty one-line eyes.An idyllic scene where dinosaur cow-asauruses fly, munch grass, and wade in the water. Caption reads: "Sixty-five million years ago, when cows ruled the earth"Thank you to Crocomania for this cartoon! Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com or peruse The Far Side at farside.com. And then there he is on Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#15)
2007-08-06 04:15:00
Lots of times a single person gets credit for discovering or creating something, be it an energetic equation, the first motorcar, or a chocolate chip cookie recipe. But it's never the entire story.I see a lot of myself in the cleaning lady by Gary Larson. Mostly it's the eyes.Albert Einstein is having difficulty coming up with his famous equation. He's written E=mc3, 4, 5, 7, 10, and 3 again. His cleaning lady inspects the desk she's cleaned saying, "Now that desk look better. Everything's squared away, yessir, squaaaaaared away."Thank you to Emory's professor of mathematics Rudolf Schmid for this cartoon. Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com or peruse The Far Side at farside.com. And then there he is on Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#14)
2007-08-02 16:15:00
My mouth says a lot about me. According to the Toothpaste Personality Test, it's that I'm "stubborn, slow witted" and, near the end of each tube, likely to spiral into "thrifty, prone to depression." Too true.This cartoon gleefully ignores the "rule of three": humor is most effective when it happens in threes. (That is, if the third item is different enough from the first two that it's a nice surprise to the brain.) Cart oon ist Evan Fisch pulls a 1-2-Punch-Punch by offering that fourth tube almost as a follow-up joke. This doesn't always work. Like when we say something funny then keep on talking, perhaps even—gasp!—trying to explain our joke. This kills the Chuckle Factor. Comedians call this "driving past the post office." As in, I drove to the post office, I meant to stop at the post office but I drove right past and stopped two doors down at the gas station.I give this cartoon four stars for being amusing, educational, hygenic, and endorsed by 4 out of 5 dentists ...
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My Cartoon Collection (#13)
2007-08-01 17:00:00
Anyone could make this mistake. Glad it's him and not me. Why have we collectively decided that extraterrestrials are big headed, skinny greenies? Gary Larson reminds us that they could just as easily be handy little things.Adding the little head-hands peering out of the spaceships is pure genius.Surrounded by UFO spaceships, a big old farmer eagerly shakes the arm of some creature. The caption reads: "Inadvertently, Roy dooms the entire earth to annihilation when, in an attempt to be friendly, he seizes their leader by the head and shakes vigorously."Cart oon image from The Blog of Sassan Sanei. Thanks! Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com or peruse The Far Side at farside.com. And then there he is on Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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The Results Of My Smurf Test Are In
2007-07-31 18:30:00
I may seek a second opinion on the diagnosis. Dr. Bluebuddies, a world renown Smurf expert, insists that I've got a severe case of...Fortunately, it's neither malignant nor contagious. Smurfy!I feel an urge to live in a mushroom.Take the Smurf Personality Test (bluebudies.com)©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#12)
2007-07-30 17:00:00
Sometimes humor is about taking a comparison to the next level. About getting out of your shell and falling in love with someone from a separate religion, race, or chemical composition.I like how the tape is so much better drawn than the snails. (Insert wolf whistle here.) And that there's nothing about it that makes it a "she" other than one snail saying so.Two snails near a tape dispenser. One insists, "I don’t care if she is a tape dispenser. I love her."Go see more of Sam Gross's funnies on this New Yorker page (it's fun!) or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#11)
2007-07-29 18:15:00
Cute animules talkin' work-out schedules and committment. What's extra funny about this cartoon masterpiece is that neither rodent is presently using the wheel. This forces me, or rather, my brain, to take the connection to the next level: a hamster running on that squeaky wheel into the wee hours of the stinkin' night. Yet hamsters remain chubby. Oh, the mysteries of nature.The description on the New Yorker describes these as gerbils. But they're not. That one there looks like little Sylvia, the marathon wheel runner in my 'hood.Anyone out there besides me say "hampsters"?One little hammy to another, standing before a hamster wheel: "I usually do two hours of cardio and then four more of cardio and then two more of cardio.”Go see Jason Polan's cartoon on the New Yorker page and buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Norris Gaynor, I Found Your Pen
2007-07-27 05:00:00
We meet at the Lowe's Home Improvement Store. I am carrying bundles of wire coil and a three-pronged claw hammer that looks to be from the Hundred Years' War. I hoist myself up into my mangy smelling pick-up and spy You, peeking out from amidst a severed black bungee cord. A pen! A superior writing utensil, royal blue and smooth in hand. Instincts tell me you'll write in those silky thick lines I like. Where have you been all my life? Dust, dog fur, and wadded up Dunkin Donuts napkins are no place for such glam. Gently, I lift you into my clean palm. My eyes linger over your cobalt blue and silver trimwork—and, wait, what is this?! Lettering? On your side, a tattoo, wrought in classic Times Roman font:      Norris Gaynor     Summi t Hill Elem. Sch.A fine, educated name for the owner of this pen, who cared enough to personalize it. The abbreviations tell me that a 22-letters-and-spaces-per-line limit was encountered in its man...

Can You See Me Now? (Part I)
2007-07-22 21:30:00
The first installment of a mesmerizing two-part series on mobile telephones.Rushing down the highway only saves about five minutes so my speedometer stays at a comfortable 70 mph, rarely straying beyond 78. The tink-tink turning signal perfectly syncs with the beat on the radio. I keep it quick and courteous, like Speedy Gonzales. Another ten minutes and the Attleboro exit swoops me off and out of the flow. I pretend my old car is a gas-electric hybrid. All the energy from breaking is being stored as energy for the drive home, a couple trips down to Cape Cod, and the blenderizing of a mango smoothie. Mm, mango. The long S-curve dramatically ends at a red light. This time my tink-tink is nowhere near a music beat. Poop. I look around to see if it mashes with any other sound or sight other than my tapping finger. A blinking yellow light. A crow's flapping wings. A jogger's steps. Nope. Nope. Nope. The rear-view mirror shows an approaching nondescript car. No beat. I look at the driv...
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