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Small & Big Turns 1 Year, 1 Month, And 6 Days Old Today
2007-09-22 01:30:00
My, my, my. How Small & Big has grown since its auspicious birth on August 15, 2006. We now possess an audience of over five readers (including parents and pets). In celebration, here's a healthy cake for you, our Favoritist Reader. For best results: 1) Print this page from a color printer2) Using print-out as a model, bake a cake that looks exactly like it3) Eat non-paper cake4) Wipe face with color print-out5) Repeat steps 1-4 as necessaryOn the day we were borned, we made these three (three!) postings:Born Again - a short story / essay thingyTwo Liners - poemsThree Liners - more poemsThanks for reading, Poopsies!Hungry for more birthday musings? Try these...So Today 's Your Birthday - not that you asked for advice, but...Separated At Birth? Stephen Colbert And My Cat - hee hee... huh?(and the follow-up, How My Cat Is Unlike Stephen Colbert)You Are No Longer A Baby Elephant - layin' on some serious adviceDelicious cake decorated with cute vegetables from www.kitchengarden.org.uk...
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My Cartoon Collection (#22)
2007-09-21 00:00:00
Pretty much.That's me in the black suit there, buying into obsolescence. I'm searching for a camera with built-in Macroizationals for taking pictures of teensy-weensy stuff, No-Manual-Reading-Because-I-Won't-Anyway, and a price nearest to $0. At the precise moment you buy a spiffy cool new technology it has officially become obsolete. Ah, how I yearn for the good old days when you'd buy a car, drive it off the sales lot and see its value drop by only 66%. Unlike technology, cars also include a place to sit. A man shops for a new camera. The salesperson demonstrates features: “And this light here lets you know when the camera is obsolete.”Go see more of Alex Gregory's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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P.L. Frederick Brings Woman Back To Life
2007-09-03 01:45:00
The hype is true! I brought some lady back to life—of a sort. Short story long: I'm one of the posters on A Little Net Story. The blog is based on that game where one person writes a paragraph and then a second person writes the next paragraph, then a third person writes and so on. So I decided it was my turn to write and then I decided to bring freshly shot Ms. Melody Mutterback-O'Knuckleton back to the hospital and then that evening, around 9'ish, I decided to clip my nails. (I do all my deciding on Mondays.)Devoted readers of SMALL & big may notice oodles of "k" sounds in Melody's name. Earlier in the storyline she had been given the musical name of "Melody" but no surname. Because I now know that the "k" sound is scientifically preferred by our brain's humor appreciation cells, I gave her a last name and splattered k's everywhere. (The word "subtlety" has no k sound.) Anywho, check it out my plot twist called Part 12 and lemme know what you think. Even better: add im...
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My Cartoon Collection (#21)
2007-08-15 23:40:00
My cartoon collection is swelling like a three-day-old cow carcass. Carcass is a funny word, much like cookie. They rate as funny because they've each got the two "K" sounds. Of all the sounds in the English language, the K is supposed to be the most humorous to our brains. Cookie carcass. See? People, I couldn't make this stuff up.Two vultures sit on a dead tree limb. One says, "It was a good rotting carcass, but it wasn't a great rotting carcass."Go see more of Tom Cheney's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it. More on funny words at Wikipedia©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#20)
2007-08-15 03:00:00
Lady, I concur. This one's just plain weird. Hence its inclusion in my personal Cart oon Coll ection. The humor here is about contrast—contrast between a surreal super wave in an in-ground pool and the calm every-day reaction of the cartoon people involved. That's all I have to say about that.Tom Cheney drew this beaut but he didn't come up with the caption. Instead, it was the winner in a recent New Yorker cartoon caption contest. If you wanna try your hand at the next one, go to newyorker.com/captioncontest. Losing was never so funny.A couple sits poolside. The stunned man looks up from his newspaper at the huge wave about to crash into them. The woman, still reading her novel, says, "I told you this house was too close to the moon."Go see more of Tom Cheney's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.

My Cartoon Collection (#19)
2007-08-13 23:30:00
Ah, yes. Now I remember how this went. Getting a fresh perspective is healthy for the brain. The best humor can turn conventional thought upside down—and belly side up.Michael Maslin's drawing style is pretty humorous in its own right. Look how much expression he puts in the man's eyes with a couple circles. The exploding volcano spew cracks me up.A long time ago a man picked berries and a woman held a spear. An angry-eyed mammoth stared at the spear and the woman said, "On second thought—you hunt, I'll gather."Go see more of Michael Maslin's funnies on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#18)
2007-08-11 00:30:00
I grew up eating peanuts by the Charles M. Schulz Company. Peanuts cartoons are full of rep, rep, repetition. Here, all four panels are pretty much the same. So simple. And simplicity works. I'm learning that less words can make for more humor. Write a fun story with 500 words and cut it down to 250 to see what I mean. Yes, it's a painful process, but see if your humor isn't made more direct and to the point. What gets cut are the so's, and's, but's, very's, and a crapload of blah.Pull up a chair and let's get personal. This Snoop Dogg cartoon is deep. It's obvious to me and you that a dying leaf wouldn't, couldn't smile back. Well, sometimes people are like leaves. They're hurt or frightened or angry and they do not, they can not smile back. They were far from being healthy Snoopys before your attempt at a friendly connection. Don't take it personally.Snoopy the dog sits beneath a tree. A leaf falls to earth as he watches, smiling. After it lands Snoopy looks away, thi...
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My Cartoon Collection (#17)
2007-08-09 23:50:00
Repetition is funny. This one plays off one of the biggie rules of comedy—Humor Comes In Groups of Three—in an unexpected way. First I read the sign, STOP AND THINK. Second, I read the caption about stopping and thinking. Third, I think, Did this cartoon trick me into reading the same thing twice? This makes me stop and think.This also makes my cartoon collection because it's a big-bold-all-capital-letters dumb joke. I mean, come on.Two men in suits stand before a large STOP AND THINK sign. One man says, "It sort of makes you stop and think, doesn't it."Go see more of Sam Gross's funnies on this New Yorker page (especially if you could use a chuckle) or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Rock, Rock, Rockin' Girl Blogger
2007-08-08 23:00:00
Woo hoo! Maureen over there at Stale Coffee (now I'd Rather Be Blogg ing) gived me a nifty nice award. Here's the proof. She says I rock. I rock hard like granite, feldspar, and mica. I'm a Rock in' Girl Blogger . (How did she decipher P.L.'s femaleness? I thought that on the Internet nobody can tell you wear a dress.)Now comes the moment you've been anticipating: I divulge some of my fave XX-chromosomal bloggers, all alphabetical-like:Crystal @ Boobs, Injuries, & Dr. PepperStraight up funny, honest, and kinda nasty. Whee!Meg and Girl Crew @ Cute OverloadGo ahead, try not to be overpowered by animule cuteness and an invented language. Sully @ Sully's Design StudioFascinating to see a daily visual diary put out by a professional artist and designer. How do she do it?I dutifully bestow the Rockin' Girl Blogger award upon each of you. Do with it as you will. Rock on.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.

Big Wendy Whippet
2007-08-08 02:30:00
We proudly announce Small and Big's first ever Doggiebuilding Championship! First place goes to a dark-haired beauty from Victoria, Canada. She's 28 years old (in human years) and loves playing ball, long afternoon naps, and eating medium-sized children. Just kidding folks! (She prefers the smaller ones.) Our winner is... Wend y the whopping whippet!Apparently, Wendy's naturally ripped condition comes by way of inheriting two special genes from her Mammy and Pappy dog. Despite weighing 60 pounds she does nothing special to be all muscley. But I'll bet when she decides to sleep on the people bed, she sleeps on the people bed.And our second place winner? All other dogs.Read more at the Times Colonist or see more photos at The Daily Mail.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#16)
2007-08-06 22:15:00
Ever get the feeling that today's world is (fossil) fueled by four bovine stomachs? Now you know why. Ah, the days when the earth first moo'ed and milk grew on trees. Gary Larson flies us back to yesteryear with a quirky six grader's imagination and a comedian's pen. Love the squinty one-line eyes.An idyllic scene where dinosaur cow-asauruses fly, munch grass, and wade in the water. Caption reads: "Sixty-five million years ago, when cows ruled the earth"Thank you to Crocomania for this cartoon! Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com or peruse The Far Side at farside.com. And then there he is on Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#15)
2007-08-06 04:15:00
Lots of times a single person gets credit for discovering or creating something, be it an energetic equation, the first motorcar, or a chocolate chip cookie recipe. But it's never the entire story.I see a lot of myself in the cleaning lady by Gary Larson. Mostly it's the eyes.Albert Einstein is having difficulty coming up with his famous equation. He's written E=mc3, 4, 5, 7, 10, and 3 again. His cleaning lady inspects the desk she's cleaned saying, "Now that desk look better. Everything's squared away, yessir, squaaaaaared away."Thank you to Emory's professor of mathematics Rudolf Schmid for this cartoon. Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com or peruse The Far Side at farside.com. And then there he is on Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#14)
2007-08-02 16:15:00
My mouth says a lot about me. According to the Toothpaste Personality Test, it's that I'm "stubborn, slow witted" and, near the end of each tube, likely to spiral into "thrifty, prone to depression." Too true.This cartoon gleefully ignores the "rule of three": humor is most effective when it happens in threes. (That is, if the third item is different enough from the first two that it's a nice surprise to the brain.) Cart oon ist Evan Fisch pulls a 1-2-Punch-Punch by offering that fourth tube almost as a follow-up joke. This doesn't always work. Like when we say something funny then keep on talking, perhaps even—gasp!—trying to explain our joke. This kills the Chuckle Factor. Comedians call this "driving past the post office." As in, I drove to the post office, I meant to stop at the post office but I drove right past and stopped two doors down at the gas station.I give this cartoon four stars for being amusing, educational, hygenic, and endorsed by 4 out of 5 dentists ...
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My Cartoon Collection (#13)
2007-08-01 17:00:00
Anyone could make this mistake. Glad it's him and not me. Why have we collectively decided that extraterrestrials are big headed, skinny greenies? Gary Larson reminds us that they could just as easily be handy little things.Adding the little head-hands peering out of the spaceships is pure genius.Surrounded by UFO spaceships, a big old farmer eagerly shakes the arm of some creature. The caption reads: "Inadvertently, Roy dooms the entire earth to annihilation when, in an attempt to be friendly, he seizes their leader by the head and shakes vigorously."Cart oon image from The Blog of Sassan Sanei. Thanks! Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com or peruse The Far Side at farside.com. And then there he is on Wikipedia.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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The Results Of My Smurf Test Are In
2007-07-31 18:30:00
I may seek a second opinion on the diagnosis. Dr. Bluebuddies, a world renown Smurf expert, insists that I've got a severe case of...Fortunately, it's neither malignant nor contagious. Smurfy!I feel an urge to live in a mushroom.Take the Smurf Personality Test (bluebudies.com)©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#12)
2007-07-30 17:00:00
Sometimes humor is about taking a comparison to the next level. About getting out of your shell and falling in love with someone from a separate religion, race, or chemical composition.I like how the tape is so much better drawn than the snails. (Insert wolf whistle here.) And that there's nothing about it that makes it a "she" other than one snail saying so.Two snails near a tape dispenser. One insists, "I don’t care if she is a tape dispenser. I love her."Go see more of Sam Gross's funnies on this New Yorker page (it's fun!) or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#11)
2007-07-29 18:15:00
Cute animules talkin' work-out schedules and committment. What's extra funny about this cartoon masterpiece is that neither rodent is presently using the wheel. This forces me, or rather, my brain, to take the connection to the next level: a hamster running on that squeaky wheel into the wee hours of the stinkin' night. Yet hamsters remain chubby. Oh, the mysteries of nature.The description on the New Yorker describes these as gerbils. But they're not. That one there looks like little Sylvia, the marathon wheel runner in my 'hood.Anyone out there besides me say "hampsters"?One little hammy to another, standing before a hamster wheel: "I usually do two hours of cardio and then four more of cardio and then two more of cardio.”Go see Jason Polan's cartoon on the New Yorker page and buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Norris Gaynor, I Found Your Pen
2007-07-27 05:00:00
We meet at the Lowe's Home Improvement Store. I am carrying bundles of wire coil and a three-pronged claw hammer that looks to be from the Hundred Years' War. I hoist myself up into my mangy smelling pick-up and spy You, peeking out from amidst a severed black bungee cord. A pen! A superior writing utensil, royal blue and smooth in hand. Instincts tell me you'll write in those silky thick lines I like. Where have you been all my life? Dust, dog fur, and wadded up Dunkin Donuts napkins are no place for such glam. Gently, I lift you into my clean palm. My eyes linger over your cobalt blue and silver trimwork—and, wait, what is this?! Lettering? On your side, a tattoo, wrought in classic Times Roman font:      Norris Gaynor     Summi t Hill Elem. Sch.A fine, educated name for the owner of this pen, who cared enough to personalize it. The abbreviations tell me that a 22-letters-and-spaces-per-line limit was encountered in its man...

Can You See Me Now? (Part I)
2007-07-22 21:30:00
The first installment of a mesmerizing two-part series on mobile telephones.Rushing down the highway only saves about five minutes so my speedometer stays at a comfortable 70 mph, rarely straying beyond 78. The tink-tink turning signal perfectly syncs with the beat on the radio. I keep it quick and courteous, like Speedy Gonzales. Another ten minutes and the Attleboro exit swoops me off and out of the flow. I pretend my old car is a gas-electric hybrid. All the energy from breaking is being stored as energy for the drive home, a couple trips down to Cape Cod, and the blenderizing of a mango smoothie. Mm, mango. The long S-curve dramatically ends at a red light. This time my tink-tink is nowhere near a music beat. Poop. I look around to see if it mashes with any other sound or sight other than my tapping finger. A blinking yellow light. A crow's flapping wings. A jogger's steps. Nope. Nope. Nope. The rear-view mirror shows an approaching nondescript car. No beat. I look at the driv...
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Mout'ing Off In Egyptian
2007-07-20 01:30:00
All deep yearnings eventually blossom into a many petaled flower—a beautiful flower that is not a stinky giant "corpse flower" that blooms once every 100 years and smells like rotting carrion. For me, this time my yearning has gotten me in touch with my ancient Egyptian side. Thanks to a simple and straight-forward online thingy, I found the Egyptian zodiac symbol that symbolizes the many facets of Me-ness. As of this moment, right now, I confidently come out of the closet as Mouth, the ancient creator goddess who's yawp is heard round the world. Evidently that's why I tell complete strangers, "I brought you into this world and I'll take you out of it." Feminine power and all that.Here's my symbol:MoutIronic, tremendous internal wealth, know how to rapidly connect with others, looks for paternal authority.Colors: Male: brown, Female: red carmineCompatible Signs: Amon-Ra, ThothRole: A creator goddess, she was the mother from which the cosmos emerged.Appearance: A woman wi...

Taste This!
2007-07-09 15:00:00
According to the smartest person on Earth, I have a lot of taste. Buds. I have lots of tastebuds. That Marilyn vos Savant, the one listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for highest IQ, mentioned it in her Parade Magazine column. Turns out that maybe the people who love strong cheese like Blue and Gorgonzola (you know who you are!) enjoy the flavors because they don't have a heck of a lot of taste buds. Those of us who despise strong cheeses (me!) might have 100 times more taste buds. We're the sensitive type. Anything that reeks of stinky old feet generally is not placed in our collective mouth.After reading this—by somebody so smart who says I might be "gifted" instead of a "cheese hating, cultural neophyte"—well, I'm interested. (Marilyn probably even knows what "IQ" stands for.) I Googled and found a more academic article at Yale Scientific called "From 'Supertaster' to the Taste -blind." Turns out that maybe the reason soda pop burns my tongue (s...

Blackened
2007-07-06 22:18:00
Kettle kind, black behindmy slow cooker. Spit fireengine come full steam,chugging charcoal ashstill crackling the woodland hearth.Acres of pine felled andstacked along this fire place,sooting it fine.Firey image from State of South Dakota Fire Meteorologist Randall P. Benson, PhD.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Reviewing The Septic Tank Brochure
2007-06-27 05:30:00
Early this morning a vacuum sucking truck thing came to my house to clean out the septic tank. An hour later it left. I'm not sure what it did but it gained a whole lot of weight and left behind a brochure. The black and white tri-fold photocopy concerns the use and enjoyment of the Sept ic Tank . It's got it all, and starts off with a bang.     Good bacteria helps break down "solids".      Anti-bacter ial soap kills good bacteria.See how the Good Guy Bad Guy moralistic set-up occurs straight off? I like that. There's not a lot of space on an 8.5"x11" document to dilly-dally.Things quickly get hot and heavy, with:     Anti-b acterial soap can wreck a septic system.A long running family feud between the Anti-bacterials and the Septics makes a gripping read—just look at the Montagues and the Capulets in Romeo and Juliet. There's trouble a brewin'. It's called conflict and it doesn't end there. &nb...
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My Cartoon Collection (#10)
2007-06-25 23:00:00
Yup, this cartoon makes my joke collection and my cartoon collection. Two guys. One is a restaurant patron holding a menu and the other is an annoyed waiter. The waiter says, "That filet is for ladies."If you crave to know my extensive thoughts on this, see my previous post called My Joke Coll ection (#9). Bon appétit!Go see lots of Charles Barsotti's cartoons on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#9)
2007-06-24 18:00:00
Hah hah ha! What is there about talking animals? It's my weakness. By "talking" I mean "typed words of" and by "animals" I mean anything that's got a face and isn't human. Potatoes don't count because they've only got eyes, present company excluded.In case the image doesn't show, here's the cartoon description: Two butterflies. One has beautiful butterfly wings. The other has a Mondrian-inspired geometric wing pattern, very exact. Mondrian asks, "But how will we raise the kids?"The timeless question. Which religion? Which politics? Can a fine artist afford children? Who wins a Man versus Nature argument? And why is the Butterfly not called the Flutterby, because that's what it does?I wonder what they decided.Go see lots of Robert Leighton's cartoons on this New Yorker page or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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My Cartoon Collection (#8)
2007-06-24 00:00:00
I don't care if you are a dinosaur monster, that's gotta burn more than milk or corn coming out the shnoze.In case the image doesn't show, here's the cartoon description. Two monsters enjoy a night on the town, cracking open buildings and slurping up the people inside. One pauses, reminiscing, "Remember that time you made me laugh and people came out of my nose?"Why yes, cartoonist Arnie Levin and the New Yorker, yes I do.Go see more of Arnie Levin's funnies on this New Yorker page (it's fun!) or buy stuff with this cartoon on it.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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The Spoon, Most Noble Of Eating Utensils
2007-06-22 22:30:00
Forks can't hold their sauce and knives are bloodthirsty killing machines. The spork is an evolutionary dead end, like the mule. Chopsticks are contingent on a pinching technology that utilizes not one but two sticks—two! As if one weren't pricey enough. And really, isn't a chopstick a skeletal knife or a one-pronged fork? Phew! Let's take a moment now to cleanse our auras of negative flatware vibrations and the fact that in my excitement to impress you I typed the word "utilize" instead of "use". Take a deep nose-breath into the lungs and belly. Hold, hold, keep holding. Okay now, release, release through the mouth. Release those negative ions. Every last ironic ion on or in us. Breathe 'em out, way away. They need not tarnish the upcoming spoon-fed vision.For, hark! The noble teaspoon: superior, trusted, and true. Tasty even. Superheroic. Ponder this morsel: You're stranded on a deserted island with only one eating utensil. What would you choose to be stranded with? I ...
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Anizo 100% Reality Mind
2007-06-22 04:15:00
"Anizo 100% Reality Mind ." What this means, I have no idea. A friend found it living in a vending machine on the street in China and brought it back to Boston for me. The one-inch tall yellow plastic guy (I think it's a he) has a smile, a blue tear, a pair of hand holes, a growth atop his head pierced clean through, and, on his backside, a man getting squeezed between two lines that I hope do not represent butt cheeks. The warning printed on the paper insert commands, "Do not use as lifeguard equipment."Anizo and I, we're inseparable. Anizo 100% Reality Mind!©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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The Sideburn Chart
2007-06-20 18:45:00
Are you a banker or a professional athlete? Are you a 'way out professor' or a clergyman? Find out now with the Sideburn Char t ! It's free!I'm a sucker for church bake sales and, fortunately for me, every religious institution seems to have a worshiper with a stove. Fruited cookies, fresh bread, chocolate brownies, pecan pies. They often branch out into books too. Not book burning, but the selling of books—raw books. That's how I came upon this handy-dandy Sideburn Chart in an old 1970's paperback (click image to enlarge). Had to buy the entire boring book to get at it so good thing it was in the Free bin. Yes, we at Small and Big are devoted to saving special antiquities from fading away forever. Please note that that is not my chocolate chip cookie stain on the man's cheek but rather an honest-to-goodness rosy cheeked cheek. That's how they look in black and white I guess.Treasure Small and Big, folks. This is a place where you learn stuff. Plus in a few hundred year...
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Downward Dog
2007-06-14 16:15:00
Parched dust gloms to her fura mist of powdered straw dulls her dark overcoatfogging up the shine.Rolling in last year's stemsshe's a farm dog nowwild fed, sand slept, flead, and full-time.Finding adrenalin in the dirtshe twists quick, flaps into the windand blinks her one-walk-a-day, feed-me-twice eyes.Barney the dog photo from www.whitehouse.gov/president/springatwhit ehouse/07.html. Pretend that's dirt and dead grass he's rolling in and that he's a she. That makes it 'interactive' poetry.©2007 P.L. Frederick. All rights reserved worldwide.
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