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The Sweetest Pet Ever
2008-06-07 00:00:00
“FREE kittins!”These are the signs that draw people’s attention when they’re pet shopping. And you are, aren’t you? Good for you! And good for them, because animals are some of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet. (Except for that 100-pound St. Bernard that cornered me when I was six. “Saint,” my foot.) But before you run off to adopt a special four- or two-legged bestest friend, I urge you to consider something more. Something more-legged: namely, honeybees.Now I know what you’re thinking: “Are they really made of honey?” Yes. Yes they are. And the yellow stripes? Solid 24k gold. That’s why people don’t eat them. These non-bee pets you’re considering, they’re not gonna to work out. Here’s why.Cats1) Honeybees don’t nonchalantly squeeze behind the washer and poop up the basement floor. 2) Honeybees don’t carry out this affair secretly and passionately, behind closed doo...

Dona Nobis Pacem
2008-06-04 09:33:00
Dona Nobis Pacem is Latin for “Grant Us Peace”. It’s the tagline of the Peace Globe project, something started on the blog Mimi Writes in 2006. (Click for more info.) Here’s some stuff to get you smiling for peace.Kids laugh around 400 times a day.Smiling releases endorphins. Endorphins make us feel better. Even faking a smile can make us feel happier.You were born with the ability to smile. Even babies born blind, smile. They don’t learn by copying the expression.A fun way to get yourself a’smiling? Make someone else smile.Now, read this.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Beyond MBA: Business Tips From The Memogenda
2008-05-28 03:00:00
Are you a mover and a shaker? A decider? Do you put the “man” in “management” (and in “woman”)? Duh, or you wouldn’t be here today. Now that we’ve finished our three-hour vodka martini luncheon, I’d like to share something important with you. It’s about the Memogenda on your steel gray decision-making desk. The spiral notebook in embossed Leathertex paper. I don’t care what Irish illuminated manuscript calligraphers say, paper is so much easier to write on than dead animal skins. And the Book of Kells could have cut off a hundred years if those monks had Bics. (At left: Unhappy monks.)That’s but one reason why I so love my Memogenda (at right), and consult it for many a critical business decision. The system is simple to “manage” (har har!) and, if you open to Page 1, you’ll see the necessary instructions. I shan’t go over them. Do it yourself: I’ve leaned to delegate. After masteri...
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Ennio's Paper Cut
2008-05-10 00:00:00
Ennio Marchetto (website) performs in paper. At 100 cph (celebrities per hour), playful costumes transform him into Dolly Parton, Eminem, Marilyn Monroe, Celine Dion, and others. The video below made me laugh, and maybe it will you too. Warning: Contains show tunes.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Spamzas
2008-05-08 01:30:00
This poem is composed entirely out of Subject lines from my spam email. Each line, by line, is painfully unedited.Dearly BelovedLiving out on the porch: our new all-weather wicker collectionhotplatebayberriesunimaginableB ENEFIThit the deck with our grasshopper chairDid you authorize Mr. Louis Henrik?Respond urgentlyevocativelyPlease I Need A Trustworthy Person... Monday May 05, 2008foretoothPlease Hear meGood day to youGood Day©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

The Queen And I
2008-05-06 00:00:00
The UK’s Queen Elizabeth II and I are real close. Why, just last week she emailed me an urgent dispatch entitled, “Irrevocable lottery payment.” The message begins, “Dear frend, treat Urgent to Proceed” and then goes into detail about needing my Social Security Number and bank accounts. Her agents are depositing lottery winnings directly into an overseas tax-free account for me. I won’t go into further detail, as she urged me to speak to no one concerning this matter, but I think you catch my drift about the friend thing.So I was a trifle surprised about a blurb in yesterday’s Parade Magazine. You think you know somebody—until you find out what’s in her purse. Turns out, Lizzy totes around family photographs, dog treats, crossword puzzles, a make-up case, and good-luck charms. Appropriate items for a life of leisure, I’ll grant: except that last one. This is the woman Forbes Magazine conservatively says is worth £280 milli...
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Little Old Race Riot
2008-05-01 02:00:00
Last year, I overheard this loud bit of conversation between two little old ladies. I hurried away in embarrassed disbelief and quiet chuckles. The spring part came later.Deliberate as a turtle through the woods, Jenny says, “Brown, black, red, yellow, and white.” Above, fragrant apple petals slip from blossoms, accompanied by birdsong. Chicka-dee-dee-dee. The gray braid winding ’round her head has a pale pink cast.“Oof!” Clara leans forward on the park bench. Her frail, refined body disguises a seargent’s voice. “You cannot call them that! You cannot label a person as a color.”Jenny rubs a soft petal between her fingertips. “We have such hues. White, red—”“That is ignorant. You cannot say someone is ‘red’ or ‘brown’. There are no ‘yellow’ people.” An upside-down squirrel click-clacks around the tree trunk. “But color is beautiful.”Both Clara’s hands cl...
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Dilly-Dally Drive
2008-04-30 03:30:00
I have been dawdling myself silly. Those in the know, know that it’s been over three months since I completed a step in my humor learnings (I Can Learn To Be Funny?). Why? The next assignment sounds easy: take a photo, write a funny caption for it. Unfortunately there’s a block in my mental parts the size of Connecticut, hermetically sealing off “photograph” and “caption” in separate hemispheres. The Corpus Callosum Bridge linking ’em is closed indefinitely for repairs, causing a three-mile metaphor pile up. I don’t know what I’m saying here, but I plan to get back in gear and put the pedal to the metal. Anyone lend me $50 for gas?(Speaking of corpus collosum: you ever read about split-brain injuries in the book, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by neurologist Oliver Sacks? Fascinating stuff.)©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Unit...
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Monday Free Day
2008-04-28 23:15:00
Three free things, just for you.FREE BOOKAdrift in America by Sid LeavittAdrift in America is the true story of a middle-aged man who loses his job, his love, his youth, and moves into a truck where he intends to live at least the next 20 years. The author is a professional writer who hosts the thoughtful, well-written blog showcasing works by writers, called Readers and Writers Blog.FREE IMAGESNASA by the U.S. taxpayersGorgeous photos that are literally out of this world. Be sure to make use of the images at NASA Image of the Day Gallery and NASA Featured Images. I used one in an illustration I posted called Tales & Legends. (Image Usage Guidelines: See? Told you you could use them for free.)FREE VIDEO, AUDIO, SOFTWARE, IMAGES, ETC.Creative Commons by Harvard UniversityUse free images, video, audio, text, software, and more. You can also register for a Creative Commons license of your own, so that people can freely use or build upon your work, depending on the restrictions you set....
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Fear Of Needles?
2008-04-26 23:00:00
People get freaked out by needles. (Good thing people ain’t pine trees.) An elderly yoga teacher once taught me the perfect, no-fail way to get a vaccination, shot, blood test, or whatever.Take in a deep, relaxing breath. Take that air all the way in to your lungs, and even enough to puff out your belly, if you can.Hold that breath, comfortably. When the pointy thing is about to go in...Let your breath out slowly through your mouth, and continue exhaling throughout the procedure. Really concentrate on feeling your breath exhale. (Second choice would be to exhale out through the nose.)That’s it! So simple, easy and magical. It works for other stuff too, like when a doctor is resetting (re-breaking) a broken bone. I can vouch for that!Fear makes us feel powerless. But your own body and breath are there to help you. Just one simple breathing exercise will greatly reduce your physical and mental pains—and have you breathing a big sigh of relief in no time.©2008 P....

A Phoney Afternoon, From 4:11 To 4:23
2008-04-26 00:00:00
“One moment, please.” Beep-beep. Beep-beep. Beeeeeeeep. “Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our agents are still assisting our other customers. For immediate help, check out our online page at www dot istockphoto dot com, slash faq.”Beep-beep. Beep-beep. Beeeeeeeep. “Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our agents are still assisting our other customers. For immediate help, check out our online page at www dot istockphoto dot com, slash faq.”Beep-beep. Beep-beep. Beeeeeeeep. “Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our agents are still assisting our other customers. For immediate help, check out our online page at www dot istockphoto dot com, slash faq.”Beep-beep. Beep-beep. Beeeeeeeep. “Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our agents are still assisting our other customers. For immediate help, check out our online page at www dot istockphoto dot com, slash faq.”Beep-beep. Beep-beep. Beeeeeeeep. “Thank ...
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In Rhythm
2008-04-24 00:00:00
I’m reading the book, The Imagineering Way: Ideas to Ignite Your Creativity, and came upon this wonderful bit:Dr. Ross Edy, a well-known international neuroscientist and longtime friend of my husband, once told me that if you take two separate live heart cells from two separate mammals and put them pulsing in the same petri dish—left alone—in a short time, they will find each other’s rhythm and start to beat in time with each other.—Karen Connolly ArmitageSenior Concept DesignerCreative DevelopmentWalt Disney CompanySomething to think about, eh?©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Humming Field
2008-04-18 01:00:00
A field, warm      & nbsp;   bubbles overround red clover         ;   singing song,           greenleaf song,           winding wood airstransparent wings         ;   zig over zag      &n bsp;   under bloom,animal stripes         ;   land the open         ;   blossom, pad         ;   across long-shagsix percussion     & nbsp;    toes thrum against     &nbs p;    living carpetone honey bee         ;   her brown body   &nbs...
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The More Times Change, The More They Stay The Same
2008-04-15 23:00:00
Love the online version of The New York Times . Love, love, love it. However—and this has a big capital H, followed by a long pause wherein I don’t type—however, a recent mailing they sent caused me to heartedly question our future together.First off, let me share with you that I am grateful every time I peruse their online edition, and have been for more than five years. There is no paper to unfold and fold, no ink smearing my fingertips, no yellowing newsprint stored in my recycle bin, and no trudging said paper off to the Duxbury town dump. (I don’t abide calling it a “transfer station.” “Dump” gets us where we need to go, 75% quicker.) Most enjoyable, though, is not having to pick through murders and robberies and other garbage to find my science and health news. Unlike the printed paper, online I see only headlines and snippets until I click a specific article that I choose to read. This makes for less junk going to my subconscious. I keep a clean mind, see.S...
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During Comic Maneuvers, Think "Safety First"
2008-04-14 23:30:00
Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was unhurt after a real-life vehicular accident in his 1967 Fiat. Following the standard Comedy Rule of Threes, he first tried the brakes (not working), then the emergency brake (not working), and then executed a classic swerve, whereupon the vintage car “sort of fell over on its side.”Afterwards, Mr Seinfeld offered this sage advice: “Because I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do.”See related stories at: Boston.com, Huffington Post©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Craigslist Free Verse
2008-04-10 03:30:00
An angel in the post officeWanted pre-1965 paper money for time travelFree green teaHornets nestBox of 60 doll headsMounted lobsterCarton of irregular cat hats.Is this your petCouch - very uncomfortable, red - $3.75?Take my bees, please.Advice to young men from an old man:Potato cannon.I almost crossed the streetFrom the Craigslist archives: 100 years ago.Large glass jar (possibly containing a ghost).©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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So, What's Up With You?
2008-04-04 21:00:00
☐ Perfecting Operatic-Yet-Warbling-Yet-Magnetic Mating Call☐ Donating Kidney☐ Scrubbing Behind Ears☐ Invisible, Sneaking Around☐ Kangaroo Boxing©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Illustration Friday: Homage
2008-04-04 02:30:00
An homage to something or other. This is my answer to Illustration Friday ’s (IF website) assignment to illustrate “Homage”. With three cuts from way nifty Briar Press.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

My'Lady Me
2008-04-02 23:15:00
My peculiar aristocratic title is...Reverend Countess Frederick the Indefatigable of Fiddlehope in the MarshBut I have others, which I pull out for special occasions...Her Eminence the Very Viscountess Frederick the Unhyphenated of Mousehole by SeaandVenerable Lady Frederick the Cowardly of Giggleswich Lanken.My close friends call me Reverend Eminence Venerable Fred.Would you like a high-falutin title? Oh, do! Get your peculiar aristocratic title here.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Not-So-Popular Amusements For Children
2008-04-01 16:00:00
Thankfully, these products are no longer on the market.Staple Yourself!Broccoli BlocksStar Wartz ARC-170 RemoverMonster Toe JamPlay-DooDoo (100% Organic!)Bratz Wurst: Girlz Butchering FashionUkulele HeroKKKenButter Bell*Mind Your Limbs: The Historically Accurate Industrial Revolution Factory Job, Now With No Breaks (Rest Breaks, That Is!)* ’Cept this. But it’s now mostly marketed to adults.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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A Movie Plug
2008-03-28 23:00:00
Everything tastes better with salt.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Wheat Vs. Dairy
2008-03-27 23:00:00
©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Bless You
2008-03-27 00:00:00
©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

What're You Up To?
2008-03-25 14:00:00
☐ 307 lbs (139.252 kgs)☐ Fishing For Compliments☐ At 6am, Watching Red Sox’s Opening Game In Tokyo☐ Cookies☐ Pondering Pantaloons©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Oh, The Places You'll Go (At Building #19)
2008-03-24 22:30:00
I have the Ah-ha moment whilst meandering through the local Building #19. The store’s self-awareness appeals to me and, I don’t know, maybe sometimes it also rubs off. This is the kind of joint where things wind up after close-outs, bankruptcies, accidents and acts of God; the kind of place where, after handling the designer merchandise, you hurry home to wash your paws. All round me, cartooned-up murals make bright declarations, with letters the size of cinderblocks. Black, yellow, and red words remind me to “Suffer a Little, Save a Lot,” and that the free coffee (“Don’t laugh, someday you’ll be old and weak too!”) also comes with free fake cream.The moment comes unannounced and definite, like a sneeze. I’m sifting through the hardcover kid’s books and they keep getting better and better: Do I want a beautifully illustrated African story ($2.99) or a nicely printed Caldecott medal winner ($4.99), or both? Then, Ah!—A...
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Sniff-Sniff
2008-03-23 15:00:00
Feet. Cheese. Who smells the difference anyway?©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Yolk's On You
2008-03-22 23:30:00
And you think your break-up was painful?(I'm ashamed to admit this, but... except for the bows, all eggs look the same to me.)©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

Weird (But True) Facts
2008-03-16 21:00:00
Facts culled from the kids’ section of Boston Sunday Globe comics (children are my preferred source for late breaking news):If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.Pearls melt in vinegar.A duck’s quack does not echo and no one knows why.A snail can sleep for three years.Typewriter is the longest English word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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It's Time For Change
2008-03-15 18:00:00
It is time for change. What's the biggest amount you’ve pooped out?☐ Lincoln penny☐ Canadian nickel☐ 1894 Liberty head dime☐ Sacagawea dollar☐ Franklin Mint special edition York Peppermint Pattie☐ President©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
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Did You Remember To Change Time?
2008-03-09 14:00:00
Dear Government People Who Dictate That We "Change Time " Twice A Year,Kindly read this: The Ethics of Changing Time. Kindly stop yanking Father Time round and round. Kindly pretty please. Thank you.Sincerely,P.L. "Yawn" Frederick©2008 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.