My Grimm Reality

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

I'm A Bad Man
2008-01-23 05:27:00
The wonderwife and I have a pretty awesome relationship. I have always told her that we were meant to be together as we fit together so well - my yin to her yang so to speak. We are truly the best of friends and I often feel empty without her, even if we are just in different rooms. We don't need the bigger things in life and are perfectly happy sitting together at the dining room table playing footsie with each other while we read other peoples blogs.That being said, you would think that I would stop having these stupid brain farts all of the time.Today was the little ones playgroup, which meant that Monday was the monthly scramble to clean the house and all of the toys so that the spreading of germs was kept to a minimum. Not that our house is a total mess, but there are certain areas in which the little ones toys seem to accumulate en masse and makes the surrounding area look like a disaster.The entire day, the wonderwife and magnimom-in-law wiped, cleaned and disinfected the fl...

I Think My Brain Is Frozen
2008-01-21 15:33:00
Last weekend was another one of those Weekends From Hell where I work three straight 12-hour shifts with very little sleep in between. You would think that after doing it for close to eight years I would be used to it by now, but I'll be honest - it still knocks the hell out of me. So much so, that my planned excursion of sitting on the couch watching playoff football turned into a struggle for consciousness trying to watch just one single drive without dozing off.It didn't help that the little sleep I did get was irregular to say the least. On Friday evening as I woke up for work, I was a sweaty mess from head to toe. So much so that when I got off the bed, you could actually see the wet outline of my perspiration where I had laid. Looking back, I have no explanation for this, as the only dream I had was me being this buff professional wrestler having a match in front of about 15 fans. Of course, this dream quickly turned into a nightmare as my opponent morphed into a variety of ...
More About: Brain , Frozen

Put In Place By A 3-Year Old
2008-01-18 07:45:00
I consider myself a clean person. I bathe or shower every day and I genuinely care how I look in public. That being said, there are occasions - usually after a really rough day at work - where I try to sneak into bed without cleaning up first. On this particular night, work was long and I was extremely beat, so the wonderwife offered up her services of a nice backrub as I lay in bed. A backrub that often acts as a cover for her real obsession - zit popping.While the wonderwife was rubbing/popping, the little one bounded into the room. It seems as though the joy that comes with exploding these tiny bumps of puss has been passed on to my daughter, for as she sees her Mommy hovering over my back - she knows its time to get some "zips".It was during this examination that my daughter made the observation and the following exclamation:"Daddy, your butt stinks."Slightly embarrassed at my little girls' statement, I tried to explain to her that most people's butts do, in fact, stink. Unfor...
More About: Place , Year

This Is Happiness
2008-01-17 15:53:00
Yesterday was an important day for the little one. Just two stickers away from completing the first section on her piano chart, she would be able to get bonus stickers today if she did well during practice with her piano instructor. This is something she has worked hard for two months to achieve and with the end in site, she was antsy with anticipation.The reward? A movie. At a real movie theater.I can remember back to when I saw my very first movie at the theater. I was 7 or 8 and the movie was Raiders of the Lost Ark. My father (I haven't seen him in a theater since) took me and my brother and words could not describe how in awe I was. I was truly amazed at how immense everything was and every scene had me glued to the screen.The ending scene where everybody started melting also gave me nightmares for months. It still gives me the willies when I think about it.So I could imagine what a 3-year old must be feeling. She had been to one other movie before, Shrek the Third, but that w...
More About: Happiness

Belated...
2008-01-16 05:49:00
A big belated thank you to my buddy Will and his family for taking the Grimm clan out for a birthday feast last week. Will is an original, a cross between a Teddy Ruxpin bear and that guy from Cypress Hill who is in the background singing REALLY LOUD. I know that goof is a true friend if for nothing more than he has put up with me for the last 4-5 years. The meal was terrific, the company fantastic and aside from Will embarrassing the hell out of me by getting all of the employees to sing Happy Birthday, it was perfect.I shall get my revenge man. I hope you like 300-pound transvestite strippers.Also, I want to wish Michael from Smoke & Mirrors a very belated birthday. I have just discovered his blog in the last 3-4 months but both his writing style and the topics he writes about have made me a huge fan. I had only commented on his blog for a few weeks when the man actually emailed me thanking me for my comments! That my friends, is very cool. Today's post is a perfect example o...

Random Thoughts On A Monday.
2008-01-14 07:21:00
I Should Have Stayed In Bed.My daughter has these color tablets that you put into your bath water that changes the color of the water into your choice of six different colors. I have seen my daughter bathe in the blue water and I had to admit to myself how relaxing it looked. So I tried it.The problem is the colors of the tablets when they are dry are not the same as when they dissolve and color the water. Hence, I took a bath last night in the manliest of colors - pink.Speed Limits Are Just SuggestionsI admit that I drive over the speed limit on the freeway. It's not that much, usually 6-7 mph, and usually have my cruise control on during my one hour drive into work. That being said, there are still some people that not only pass me (I can handle that) but blow my freaking doors off they are going so damn fast. After months of this abuse, I starting noticing something about these drivers - the bulk of them was from out of state. Now I have only been keeping track in my head so you...
More About: Random Thoughts , Random , Thoughts , Monday

The Trouble With Birds And Bees
2008-01-10 15:45:00
Every night before bed, the little one often brings one or two books into bed for the wonderwife to read. I would say that I read to her also, but that wouldn't be fair to the wonderwife - who reads about 20 times more than I do. The books range from Green Eggs and Ham to Where The Wild Things Are to The Lorax and are generally successful in accomplishing our goal of getting her to sleep.Last week, the little one came into the room with a book that we hadn't read in awhile, What To Expect When Mommy's Having A Baby. We had gotten it for her early on in the pregnancy and while I may have forgotten about it, it apparently is a favorite on those nights when I am on the road to work. I was curious, so I silently listened in while the little one was read about the baby in mommy's belly.Everything was wonderful, the little one was inquisitive and asked questions during each section read to her. I was proud of her for being so interested in her little sister and I could see the wonderw...
More About: Birds , Bees

When do you blog?
2008-01-10 04:45:00
I really need to develop a schedule of sorts where I allow a certain block of time each day to writing here and to reading other peoples blogs. While I am at work and we are slow this really isn't an issue, but at home where there are so many glorious distractions to keep me away from my laptop...well, you know.I feel I write better within an hour or two of waking up. This works best for me because nobody else is awake to distract me, so I can eat my cereal and pass gas while I blog and nobody is the wiser. Well, I can't say nobody, as I have gotten many a grotesque look as the others first make their way down the steps and get the first hint of the noxious aroma that I had left. Still, I am awake, I am fresh, I am full of ideas.Unfortunately, I am writing this at 11:00pm and faced with the constant barrage from the wonderwife asking ME what SHE is gonna write for tonight. Oh, sure - I am having a hard enough time coming up with something intelligent for my peoples and she wants m...
More About: Blog

Birthday Hangover
2008-01-08 15:54:00
Good grief was I tired last night. Now that I am reading that incoherent slaughtering of the English language last night, I realized I even left an entire paragraph just hanging there without an end. And the timing couldn't have come at a better time too, when the wonderwife made the beautiful post and video about me. Then she linked to my beloved blog and the first thing people will read will be that mess.I haven't even read the comments yet for fear that everyone will be asking if I was drunk. I was not for the record.So today I am sitting here, eating the customary day-after-the-birthday breakfast, birthday cake, mulling over about how I can somehow save face and show that I actually do know how to write and that yesterday's post was just of figment of your collective imaginations.The post never happened.No, do not go back and look. Just trust me on this.Yesterday I turned 35 years old. In a sort of masochistic way, I think my mind has turned on me - asking me questions that I...
More About: Birthday , Hangover

I'm 35? Ick.
2008-01-08 05:19:00
I awoke early this morning to get showered and dressed in preparation for the wonderwife's doctor appointment to see how Lucy is progressing. As I sat on the bed looking out of the window to the still dark morning sky, I mumbled to myself."Another year older, but I definitely not a year wiser."When asked about this statement by the wonderwife, I responded that I hope I will always make up silly songs, orIn other words, while my body might get older, I hope my soul will stay an immature 17-year old.Today has been perfect. The appointment was perfect - Lucy's heartbeat was strong and steady, the little one did awesome in ballet class and the day was capped off with this wonderful heart shaped cake that the wonderwife and the little one made for me at eating it at 11pm.Fatigue has set in here the evening and I feel I am not long for this conscious realm as it is VERY late. I will write more tomorrow to hopefully make up for the convoluted mess of random thoughts.

Gone But Never Forgotten
2008-01-05 05:28:00
Clyde passed away this evening.He was surrounded by his friends when he passed, an army of felines who always had Clyde there from the moment they were born. Matisse, who until recentley was the loner of the cats, never left the big pups side the entire time.He will be missed. Not only by us, but by the multitude of kittens he helped protect and raise.I never thought that big pooch would have such an effect on me when we first met, but tonight my heart aches.My Grimm FlashbackOriginally posted on February 9, 2007:Clyde, The Smart-Ass Dog
More About: Forgotten

Puppy Love
2008-01-04 05:12:00
I am usually the first one awake in the morning on my off days, usually due to the combination of the little ones feet in my back or having slept on top of one of her numerous Barbie dolls that were having a sleepover that particular night. I have learned to accept this fact, and to a certain point embraced it - as it gives me a chance to maybe catch up on some of the shows on the DVR that I can not watch with the little one running around.Wednesday morning was just a tad different. I awoke and staggered into the bathroom - peering out the window to see the freshly fallen snow. I noticed an increased amount of animal prints around the driveway and yard but figured it was our myriad of cats enjoying the snowflakes. Our cats are weird - they actually LIKE the snow. Freaks.I ate breakfast without another thought of the prints in the snow. That was until, as I was washing out my cereal bowl, I noticed Clyde walking down the driveway.By himself.As many of the regular readers may know, Cl...
More About: Love , Puppy

Un-Resolutions
2008-01-01 06:49:00
What are these things called New Year's Resolutions ? Are they nothing more than shallow promises that in most cases are totally unrealistic? How much of a loser do you feel afterward when these so-called resolutions ultimately fail? I ask you now, why put yourself through such pain and anguish? Why suffer the turmoil of unfulfilled commitments? I offer you an alternative,The Un-Resolution.Instead of telling the world what you resolve to do in the coming year, why not tell everyone what you resolve NOT to do? That way you can look back on December 31, 2008 with a sense of accomplishment at having not done everything you set out not to do. Your moral will improve as you achieve every goal by not performing it.So with that, I give you my Un-Resolutions for 2008.I will resolve NOT...To eat spinach, liver or anything containing spinach or liver.To go to a Macy Grey concert. EVER.To watch another America's Top Model Marathon.To wear Speedos at the beach.To bite my toenails.To wax my bac...

Nothing To Write About
2007-12-31 07:49:00
There is just something with me and the week between Christmas and New Year's Day that closely resembles the Twilight Zone. I wake up late, roam the house in my underwear and spend the day in front of the computer doing absolutely zilch.Take tonight for example, I am sitting here with a blank screen where a blog post should be and I can't think of I decent thing to write about. It's like my mind has taken a sabbatical and didn't bother to leave a note. I haven't written anything in a few days so you would think something - anything of interest would have happened to me. Sadly, you would be mistaken.I mean I could tell you the Christmas I was given. The uber-toaster you know about, but I also received a nice Cleveland Indians baseball cap to keep my bald spot warm and the latest World Series of Poker PC game to further prove have bad I suck at the game.I could tell you about the presents I gave out. I could say something about how I earned some serious brownie points with the wo...
More About: Write

I Must Have Been A Good Boy
2007-12-27 06:52:00
Well, maybe not THAT good - Santa failed to leave me any goodies. Apparently he must not like imitators.I must have been on the REALLY NICE list of the wonderwife however, as I finally received the object of my desire for the last two years. Like Ralphie and his Red Rider BB Gun, I have been salivating over an Egg & Muffin Toaster. So much so, in fact, that I wrote about it on both the 2006 & 2007 Toy Guides and to be honest, would have been on every succeeding years list until I did get it. Thankfully, she got the hint early on.When I was younger I never used be able to sleep on Christmas Eve. I would lay there, tossing and turning, my mind full of wonder of what Santa Claus was going to bring me. I can only imagine if our little had the same thoughts, but for her part she did sleep, only waking a few times when it seemed her anticipation proved to great. When she woke up in the early morning hours, with the sun barely peeking over the horizon, we convinced her that it was ...
More About: Good

Merry Christmas!!!
2007-12-26 05:53:00
MERRY CHRISTMAS!Of course the holiday season would not be complete without some Schweaty balls.
More About: Christmas , Merry Christmas , Merry

My Christmas Gift
2007-12-24 16:59:00
Not sure how much I will be posting these next few days due to the holiday, but I did want to give you all a gift. Make sure you post your scores in the comments!BurgerTimePac-ManSpace InvadersAstroidsTetris
More About: Christmas , Gift

Shape Up Or Ship Out
2007-12-22 07:28:00
I had a large ice cold bucket of reality hit me when I got into work Thursday night. While the events that happened did not affect me directly, it was the suddenness and severity of the situation that has left an impact upon me. Let me explain.On Wednesday, a coworker in his 60's started experiencing numbness in his arm and made an appointment with his doctor the next day. On Thursday, the doctors discovered his heart was slowing down. An EKG showed no blockages and everything appeared to be in good shape, but still his pulse was slowly decreasing. That afternoon, he had a pacemaker put in to hopefully remedy the situation and hopes to be back at work in a few weeks.Two days. That was all it took from doing your normal day-to-day activities to having a pacemaker put in. It was then I became faced with how a sudden heart problem as well as an actual heart attack was.I gotta admit, it scared me.He called his doctor after experiencing numbness in his arm. Would I be this astute as to ...
More About: Shape , Ship

When Getting Sick Is Worth It
2007-12-21 07:58:00
I have the mother of all colds that I am pretty sure came from spending the ridiculous amount of time in that freezing garage getting into and out of the Santa gear. My entire head is clogged and my body has that slight ache that makes you feel like you could sleep for a week. I feel like it, but it actuality I can't because I can barely breathe and indigestion is causing some wicked heartburn. I have a cough that will not subside and causes my head to explode every time I hack up some of the never-ending flem that I have in my nasal cavity and throat. The wonderwife is even worse still, with the added pleasure of diarrhea.But you know something? I would do it all over again.I'm sorry for falling behind on my blog reading, this cold has really kicked my butt and made even keeping my eyelids open painful. I will be catching up on all my reading in the next few days so expect some unwitty comments from yours truly.Below is a video sent to me from a co-worker that had me cracking up ...
More About: Worth , Sick , Wort

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
2007-12-20 03:17:00
Yesterday was an extremely stressful yet very satisfying day for me as I donned the red suit and trousers of the big guy up north for the little ones playgroup. I honestly have never been so nervous about something like I was for this in a very long time. But in the end, everything went smoothly and I didn't screw anything up. Although I think getting in wardrobe has gotten me a little on the sick side...We had set the suit out in the garage along with a space heater, some baby pins and a few pillows about 30 minutes before our guests were to arrive. Originally, the plan was for me to wait out there the whole time and to arrive whenever the wonderwife called me. Thankfully, that plan was mercifully changed to where the magnificent mother-in-law and I could sneak out in the middle, get dressed, then I would make a grand entrance.Let me tell you something, you may think I put the word magnificent in front of my mother-in-law's name just because I need the brownie points with her, bu...
More About: Santa Claus , Santa , Town

Santa Time
2007-12-19 05:23:00
After a month of apprehension and inner torment from the knowledge that I will be portraying Santa Claus for not only a bunch of 3 & 4 year olds, but also their mothers - I have only one thing to say:Who's The Man?That's right.According to the wonderwife, I nailed it.More details tomorrow.
More About: Time

Karma Sucks
2007-12-17 07:09:00
I have this ongoing argument with the wonderwife about the silliest of things. However, the more I have mentioned this argument to other members of the male populace, the more I am beginning to realize that maybe it isn't just her problem......its a problem for a lot of females.Now, I am not saying this to offend anyone of the opposite sex. I like you. I married one of you. I hope to still be married to one of you even after I write this.As awful as it sounds, the wonderwife and I eat alot of fast food. While this is something that we are trying to cut back on, sometimes it's just too easy to stop in and grab a bite while we are out running our errands.Knowing this, the wonderwife still cannot make up her mind as to what she wants, until she is at the drive-thru menu. It wouldn't matter if there were 20 cars in front, her order will not escape her lips until we are in front of the speaker and the voice is patiently waiting. From the moment I enter the parking lot of a particular ...
More About: Karma , Sucks , Arma

Countdown to "Show" Time
2007-12-14 14:29:00
Wednesday, 6:15pmJust arrived home and I am faced with a maximum of three hours of sleep before heading back to work and a major project deadline when I get there. I grab a quick bite, kiss the wonderwife and little one, then remind them that "show" time is less that 20 hours away.What is "show" time? It's the time when hopefully the tiny one inside the wonderwife will reveal itself to be a boy or a girl. Myself, I am hoping for a heartbeat that is strong and healthy, letting the rest of the cards fall where they may.I slowly stagger up to the bedroom door where I am met by the devil cat.Jasper says "Meow".I say "Buzz off."Wednesday, 8:30pmI am in a semi-conscious state and are unable to fully achieve true slumber due to the fact that my bedroom has become a freaking meat locker. I have to be awake in an hour and I fear that if I get up I will be unable to get those last 60 minutes of precious rest. What do I do?A) Take the risk, get up and grab another blanket.B) Take the risk, ge...
More About: Time , Show , Countdown

Stringing Up The @#$% Lights
2007-12-12 06:57:00
Procrastination has always been a great skill of mine and I am proud to say that I had successfully put off putting our icicle lights up for almost two whole weeks. Excuses would range from it being too cold to being to wet to being too dark and I was fortunate enough to elude the wonderwife's barrage of inquiries as to when I would be doing the deed.That was until yesterday.She used a very shrewd tactic, one she knew would throw me into a tailspin of guilt and dismay. She announced over breakfast that when her and the little one returned from playgroup that she, all 20-weeks pregnant of her, would be putting up the lights. I tried to throw the wet and muddy excuse at her, but she quickly flicked it away like some tiny mosquito. She meant business. I do not know if she fully intended to go through with her threat declaration, but I did know that if I allowed her to do so I would be in the doghouse for a very, very long time.I just could not let that happen. I REALLY want that toast...
More About: Lights

Dance Fever
2007-12-11 01:51:00
Before I get to the post for today, I just want to thank everyone for their kind words over the weekend. The first week of December is always a difficult one for me, but your support made things a little easier. You guys totally rock. I also want give a special thanks to the wonderwife who gave me a shoulder to lean on and an understanding ear to listen to me.Thanks again to all of you.Mondays are special days for the little one and I as it is one of the only days where I can attend her class every single week. Sure I get the chance to see her other activities throughout the week, but because of my work and her schedule, I only get to go every other week. Mondays are different.The class? Dance . A ballet/tap combo.Upon arrival at the studio, the little one bolts for the dance floor while the wonderwife and I, along with the other mothers, are ushered into a small room with a small television showing the activities on the dance floor. Yes, I said mothers, as only in very extreme cases...
More About: Fever

Missing Mother
2007-12-09 04:22:00
Irva Cleo GrimmettJuly 4, 1941 - December 8, 1998I miss you terribly Mom.You were my mother, my advisor, my friend.Has it really been nine years?
More About: Mother , Missing , Missi

Grimm's 2007 Toy Guide (Goodies & Grotesque Edition)
2007-12-07 13:47:00
For those of you who read my little corner of the blogging stratosphere in the wee hours of the morning will realize that this was not posted on its normal Thursday slot. I am still suffering from the lingering hangover of NaBloPoMo and time just slipped away from me.So while I could have done a quickie post about how Jasper coughed up this really cool looking blue hairball, I thought I would spare you those grotesque details and give you another.My apologies in advance. You'll soon see why.My Grimm Flashbacks:2006 Toy Guide 2007 Toy Guide Part 1 2007 Toy Guide (Adult Edition )Soft Serve Ice Cream MakerPrices as 12/6/2007:$83.39 on Amazon.com$99.95 on cooking.com$99.95 on etronics.comDescription: Professional-quality soft serve ice cream, yogurt, sorbet and sherbet is now available right at home, with the Cuisinart Mix It in Soft Serve Ice Cream Maker. Not only does it make everyone's favorites, but with three built-in condiment dispensers, it makes them extra delicious! Just a pull...
More About: Grotesque , Goodies

Trying To Thaw Out
2007-12-06 05:16:00
We had a HUGE amount of snow fall overnight, so the family had to get in the first sled ride of the year.Unfortunately, I have discovered that I do not have the proper weight proportion in my body to get very far (meaning my big old butt is too heavy). A typical ride for me results in me spinning backwards early on and flipping over - resulting in a frigid mask of snow on my face.Don't believe me? Check out the video below of myself, the wonderwife, and the little one all attempting the "small" hill. And please ignore my idiotic laugh.It's been five hours since we've been inside from the snow and I STILL haven't thawed, so I am gonna cut this one short tonight and go take a nice hot bath.

Return Of The Foot-In-Mouth
2007-12-05 05:15:00
On January 15th of this year, I confessed to the blogging world that I had a disease. I say had because, up until yesterday, I honestly thought I had it under control. Through strict mental exercises and a rigid verbal training, I thought I had won the battle over this crippling illness.I could not have been more wrong.Yes, my dreaded Foot -in-Mouth disease has reared its ugly head once again in my life, this time assuring that there will be no more promotions in my future at my current workplace. In the span of less than five minutes, I was completely demoralized by my uncanny ability to not shut the hell up.Walking into the men's room late in my shift, I quickly survey the scene. Having noticed a coworker using one of the two urinals, I quickly abide by the Men's Room Laws and walk over to the far sink to what amounted to washing my hands before doing the deed. That was when I noticed it.I had forgotten to shave.Not only had I forgotten to shave, but I noticed that the whiskers c...
More About: Return , Return of the

Where Do The Lonely Posts Go?
2007-12-03 16:44:00
Come on, you didn't really think I was going to post during the weekend after NaBloPoMo did you?Considering I am STILL behind on my blog reading, I should just put up another Creative Captioning, but I will post something of substance so I don't fall into any bad habits.So with this in mind, I shall tell you a story...Once upon a time there was a deserted but oddly enough very populated town called Archives. Housing here is abundant but could barely be called livable conditions, as everything seems unattended and run down. Periodically, there are new hotels being built, especially the ones called Tags, but sadly, even these structures get filled to the point that even the significance of living there gets lost in the immensity of the population. There are new arrivals everyday destined to spend the rest of their days here and yet there are very few visitors. On occassion there will be someone shipped here from various devices like the Google tractor beam or the Yahoo teleportation...
More About: Posts , Lonely