Thought 4 the Day

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Open Source
2007-04-12 21:45:00
Here at T4td, some of us are having a little lie down. And a drink. And a couple of sedatives.Yes, we know you're not meant to mix them, but we've had a bit of an upset.We've had a rather distressing email from one our techie, erm, people - I suppose they are people aren't they? It's hard to tell. When they've been in the R&D department for a while, they all end up looking the same - pale skin, tangled facial hair, shifty eyes, haunted look, strange tattoos that look suspiciously like bar-codes. Bless them. It's the darkness that does it to them. We jokingly refer to their little den as 'the hole', but they like it that way. Well, we think they do. We haven't really asked them. But then, once they've been there for a week or two, they do seem to lose the power of speech. They can tap away on the keyboard all day and all night, but meet them in the flesh and they, rather annoyingly, pretend they can't see you.Anyway, this techie person has introduced us to someth...
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Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-04-11 22:07:00
Today we're taking a look at synonyms.Synonyms, are words that have the same meaning. Groups of such words are said to be synonymous. A useful watercooler example might be, "Hey, you know that new manager? I hear his name is synonymous with sleaze-bag.'Here are some more edifying examples, sent in to us by a Mr. Bush.What do these words have in common:defence,policing action,peace keeping,covert operation,dark op,intervention,interdict,insertion,extra ction,regime change,military advisers,tactical strike,surgical strike,shock and awe,elimination,military aid,military action,conflict?That's right, they're all synonyms for 'War'. But strangely, none of these words refer to fighting, killing or death on a massive scale. It's almost as though someone is trying to stop us thinking about those unpleasant things, so that we'll agree to go along with their plans.Surely not.Until tomorrow.Sincerely,T4tdThought to the power of ten.
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Almost Topical Tuesday
2007-04-10 21:48:00
So, the British Navy personnel have been returned by Iran. They would've liked to keep them, but you know how it is - you get something home and play with it a bit and it turns out not to be quite as much fun as you thought it was going to be. Apparently, they thought all British people were some kind of hybrid of Mr. Bean and Benny Hill. But even after many hours of interrogation, the hostages couldn't do any funny voices and they weren't even remotely accident-prone.The Iranian Navy is now under strict orders to find an American vessel, preferably crewed by Bob Hope and Bing Crosby.If any officials of the US military are reading, please take this threat seriously. It may seem churlish to suggest that a major diplomatic crisis (US Govt. translation: 'war') could be triggered by a bunch of guys in desperate need of a good laugh, but if you have you seen Arab TV, you'll take my point.More ATT next week.Tomorrow, there'll be something else.Sincerely,T4td.No news is too old.
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You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-04-09 20:49:00
Signs you take life way too seriously.Chapter 2 - Family4.You call regular 'Family Conferences' to discuss vital issues, such as the correct use of the soap dish and... well, to be honest, it's just the soap dish. You are the only one who turns up to these meetings. You are certain of this because you've checked the minutes.Come back for more Yngooia next Monday.And don't forget Almost Topical Tuesday tomorrow.Sincerely,T4td.We're here so you don't have to be.
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Celebrity Friday
2007-04-06 21:31:00
This week, we thought we'd continue our theme of 'meet the team'.We proudly present...Malcolm.Malcolm is our technical support erm, guy. Here is his thought:Hey, guess what. I've just downloaded a free trial of a program that automatically downloads free trial versions of other programs. I've now got 200 gigs of stuff on the company's server - and that's just the zip files. I've got some stuff I've always wanted, and loads of stuff that I can't even remember what it's for. Dude - I've gotta get me some extra strength caffeine tablets because I'm gonna be here all night installing things and typing in passwords. Wow. I've just realised, I'd better be quick because all this stuff only works for 30 days. But hey, I can always do it all over again. What a rush.Wait a minute. Some guy's hassling me about the contrast on his monitor. So, here's my thought for today:If it ain't broke, don't fix it,But if it is broke, just turn it off and on again.Never fails.B...
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Crisis
2007-04-05 22:28:00
Are you worried about your mid-life crisis?Perhaps you're worried that you're about to have one.Or perhaps you're worried because you had it so long ago, you've forgotten what it was like.Maybe you're looking forward to it, and you're just worried that you might miss it.This is where T4td can help.We recommend that you have a crisis every year.For a nominal fee (and a crippling surcharge) we can provide you with a mid-life crisis this year and every year. To remove the stressful element of surprise, the crisis will occur on the same day every year - just before your birthday. That way, you get to buy yourself extravagant birthday presents and everyone else will nod and smile and put up with it. Similarly, your birthday is an excellent opportunity to take up strange new hobbies and pursuits - particularly if they require specialised clothing and expensive equipment.For an extra fee, we can provide the 'Extreme Cris is Package', for which you receive adverts from au pair age...
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Talk Like a Republican
2007-04-05 13:16:00
We know, we know, we know.We did say we wouldn't only do one post per day.But we've just stumbled upon this and we had to share it.Prepare to take over the World with:The G. W. Bush Speechwriter.Sincerely,T4td.Promising the Earth.
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Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-04-04 21:03:00
Having seen the video we posted earlier, we're wondering if we haven't been aiming a tad high with this series.Don't get us wrong. We're not anti-American. We're anti-ignorance. Studies in the UK have found that 8 out of 10 British citizens could not identify the British Isles on a map of the World.Perhaps we should start by correcting a few common errors.1 - The London Underground is not a terrorist organisation.2 - Karl Marx was not one of Groucho's brothers.3 - It is not alright to make new words by adding 'ability' or 'ise' onto perfectly good words.4 - The Bermuda Triangle is not the area concealed by Bermuda Shorts.5 - 'At the present time' means 'now'.6 - A Freudian Slip, isn't an undergarment worn by the mother you loved so very much.7 - That guy in West Wing isn't the real U.S. President. He's an actor - like Reagan.8 - The term 'marital relations' does not refer to your parents in-law.9 - Evolution is not a theory. It's happening right now - it...
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Americans are NOT stupid - WITH SUBTITLES
2007-04-04 15:38:00
Not really clear on where they are, but making up for it by their enthusiasm to invade somewhere else.
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Almost Topical Tuesday
2007-04-03 20:17:00
Millions are spent on surveillance technology. Satellites, we are told, can focus on a cigarette packet. So those cigarettes had better watch what they're doing. Any nonsense from them and GW may declare a war on tobacco. Which, now I think about it, would make a lot of sense. Which kills more in a year- cigarettes or terrorist bombs?Back to the topical point.We have this awesome technology. It's fantastic. But when you need it for something, say - just for the hell of it - to tell you whether a boat is in Iraqi waters, or whether it's intruding somewhere that just might, possibly spark an international incident, it just doesn't seem to be any damn use. Similarly, it didn't locate the WMD. Or rather it did, but then it couldn't remember where they were. Which, to be fair, is the sort of thing I do with my car keys all the time.'Ah!' They say. 'It doesn't work like that.''OK,' we reply, 'how does it work?''Oh no!' they cry, 'we can't tell you that. It...
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You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-04-02 20:01:00
Sure signs you take life way too seriously.Chapter 2 - Family.3.You keep a record of the days you have sex, along with a note of the position and duration.Unfortunately, your partner made you take the wall planner down because the drawing pins were marking the lounge wallpaper.NBPlease note, dear reader, that this is the only post for today. We have decided that it could be annoying for our subscribers to have several posts appear all at once, and so we are limiting ourselves, as much as possible, to one a day. If you're not a subscriber, then what are you waiting for? You don't want to miss anything do you?We'll still keep up with each series, it's just that they will now be spread throughout the week. We hope that this will be an improvement for you, and will give us time to produce work of a higher quality.If you have any comments or suggestions, then please let us know.We are always happy to hear from our readers, as it gives our Grievance Department something to get th...
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Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-03-30 22:18:00
quid pro quo n. Something given as compensation or in return for something.Early attempts to explain this, faltered due to an over-simplistic exchange mechanism, e.g. an eye for an eye. Thankfully, due to the great advances in human civilisation, lawyers can now tell you exactly how much you could expect in return for losing any given part of your body. They can also work out, without a calculator, how much they will deduct for themselves, how much extra time to claim for, and how many large cars they can buy as a result.More IYWP soon.How many other blogs give you this many new posts each day?Sincerely,T4td.We're with you all the way.
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You'll Never get Out of it Alive
2007-03-30 22:12:00
Signs you take life way too seriously.Chapter 2 - Family2 - Sometimes, during arguments with your family, you suspect they haven't even read the Household Charter. Or are they just working to an earlier version?More Yngooia soon.And if you enjoyed this - please vote over in our poll vault.Perhaps you know someone who would enjoy this series - spread the word.We do appreciate all our readers.Sincerely,T4tdSlapping you heartily on the back.
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Celebrity Friday
2007-03-30 21:44:00
The days just fly by don't they?There's never enough time in the day to get everything done. Which is why we make our staff work all night as well. A couple of shots of espresso usually does the trick. Sometime we even use a fresh hypodermic.We know what you're thinking - don't we always?But don't worry - it isn't real espresso. No that would be far too expensive. No, we just crumble some caffeine tablets into a bag of sugar, then mix it with a little gravy powder in a bucket of water, and no-one notices the difference.Anyway, for today's Celeb rity Frida y , we thought we'd do something different. We thought we'd introduce you to the team. Well, to the important people. We won't bother with the office juniors. At the rate we get through them, we'd never be able to keep you up to date. To be honest, we don't even bother to get them name badges. We don't give leaving presents, we just send flowers to the family.Today's celebrity is me.My name is known only to a...

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-03-29 21:45:00
Signs you take life too seriously.Chapter 2 - Family1 - You have painstakingly traced your family tree, but only to look for signs of hereditary illness.More Yngooia soon.T4td.
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Annual Appraisal
2007-03-29 21:23:00
It's staff appraisal time here at T4td. That means that our staff of appraisal experts will shortly calling upon you at an unexpected time of the day (or night) to let you know how you're doing.Don't worry - they're professionals. The process will be almost painless and if there is any damage to your property, or your body, or your family, your pets, your neighbours, or your sanity - you will be appropriately billed for the inconvenience that you've caused us.In the meantime, I'd like to give a few of you the opportunity of what our Transatlantic customers refer to as a 'heads up'. This is, in the circumstances, and unfortunately for some of you, a rather apposite turn of phrase.Martin - you have been a reasonable T4td customer for most of the time, but our tracking software indicates that yesterday, whilst your wife was out shopping, you spent a full 47 minutes watching videos of fat people falling over. Shape up Martin. Oh, and by the way - your wife wasn't shopping,...
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You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-03-28 21:03:00
Signs you take life too seriouslyChapter 1 - beliefs4 - You have composed your own funeral service and eulogy. It includes a short quiz on your life history and a few games to lighten the mood.If you enjoyed this - use the shortcut at the top of our homepage to see the whole series.More Yngooia soon.T4td Corp
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Good
2007-03-28 20:39:00
The good we do today is our happiness tomorrow.Hindu proverbSo do some good today - share the life-changing experience that is T4td.Tell your family, tell your neighbours, your workmates, even tell those people you used to call friends before you started staying indoors and messing about on your computer all the time.And tomorrow, happiness will be yours. Probably.You see, it all depends what you define as doing good, doesn't it?To us, doing good means...well...it means...erm...nothing really. We like to feel good. We like to have a good life, make a good living, earn good money. But doing good isn't really in our corporate lexicon.Of course there's charity and sponsorship, but let's face it - that's just PR and you know it and we know it.Hmmm. This is a first. Our thought 4 the day has made us think. It really isn't meant to work like that.We'll just check our company manual. There's a chapter on moral conundrums in the workplace.Here we are - the entry for 'good'...
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Almost Topical Tuesday
2007-03-27 20:51:00
Please be advised that whilst you are reading this edifying blog, your computer is increasing you carbon footprint. In order to offset this, we request that readers hold their breath for as long as possible.If you are the kind of person who spends most of their day on a computer, then please take care not to fall into a coma because of the real risk that your family members may not notice.Thank you.Sincerely,T4td Corp.Carbon neutral - we only use our own nuclear reactor, which although it leaks a little, is perfectly safe, so we'd better not get any more complaints from that dratted nursery school again.
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Spurious Statistics
2007-03-27 20:27:00
The start of an occasional new series.Stat istics show that gullibility is now more common than it was seven years ago. If you know someone gullible, then treat them to one of our spurious statistics.For instance:In certain conditions of extreme cold, you can lose 10% of your body height through the top of your head. This is the reason that people indigenous to cold climate areas are not particularly tall.Sincerely,T4td Corp.Pulling the wool until it unravels.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-03-27 20:23:00
Signs you take life too seriouslyChapter 1 - beliefs3. You have made a study of conspiracy theories, and you are convinced they're all the work of one person.More Yngooia another day.Sincerely,T4td Corp.Keeping it - well, just keeping it so you can't have it back.
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The Only Constant
2007-03-26 21:38:00
...is change. Yes, we're making changes all the time here. We're so inspired, we're now working on a new publication entitled The Joy of Widgets.Don't you just love widgets?Well don't overdo it. Widget dependency is now a serious condition in some inner cities. Some mental health authorities have recommended that sufferers give themselves a tiny allowance of weekly widget exposure, which they must not exceed. This has become known as the Widget Midget Budget. Hard to stick to - even harder to say ten times.So, with that in mind, you may have seen widgets come and go over the last few days. This will settle down soon. In the meantime, if we've taken away your favourite widget, then you can either spend the next few years working through your sense of loss with a suitably expensive psychotherapist, or you could just email us.Why not get yourself a T4td Widget for your site? There's one here.Also, we now have a favicon. Thanks to Ilker at The Thinking Blog for help wit...
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Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-03-24 18:13:00
Misanthrope: Someone who hates mankind and/or avoids human society.eg "Hey, this coffee machine must've been made by a complete misanthrope."A brief trawl through the blogosphere will reveal many misanthropes. Interestingly, there is an inverse relationship between how misanthropic someone is, and their urgent need to communicate to as many people as possible, ie the more they hate everyone, the less they can keep their damned mouths shut (see Politicians).NBFor reasons of political correctness, some authorities now prefer the term 'Ms. Anthrope'.
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You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-03-24 18:11:00
Sure signs you take life way too seriously.Chapter 1 - Beliefs2. Jehovah's Witnesses walk swiftly past your house.
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Normal Service
2007-03-24 13:51:00
Normal service will not be resumed due to circumstances beyond belief.However, our usual service, which could never be referred to as 'normal', will be resumed as soon as possible, if not before, whichever works out the most tax-deductible.We thank you for your patience.In the meantime, for your continued enjoyment, here is some music:The Four Seasons composed by Vivaldi.We hope you enjoyed that music. On another occasion, we might bring you some ballet.Thank you.T4td Corp.We're there for you - even when you're asleep.
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Celebrity Friday
2007-03-23 17:49:00
Today's Celeb rity Frida y is brought to you tomorrow. This is partly to do with the clocks going forward to British Summer Time and partly to do with other circumstances which, according to our public accountability policy and laws on openness and disclosure, are frankly none of your god damn business.His name is Gordon and he is not as old as he looks. Professionally, he does something with money and numbers. He did tell us exactly what he does - several times - but we kept dropping off. His hobbies, interestingly, are money and numbers. Here is his thought:Now, the really interesting thing about double-entry book-keeping is that every positive is a negative, so that when you add the negatives and take away the positives, you should be left with nothing at all. And what's more, you've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, don't mess with Mr. Inbetween.Alright. We made the last bit up. We did try to keep awake. In the end, to get him to shut up, we h...

Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-03-21 22:31:00
non sequitur - a conclusion that does not logically flow from the premises.For example, the barman refuses to serve you because, much to his surprise, the alcohol he has sold you, has made you intoxicated. You can explain that there is a flaw in his logic and attempt to say 'non sequitur'. He will then grip you firmly and ensure that you then flow from his premises.More IYWP tomorrow.T4td Corp
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You'll Never Get out of it Alive
2007-03-21 22:26:00
Sure Signs you take life way too seriously.Chaper 1 - Beliefs1. Somewhere there is a parallel universe where everything is arranged just the way you'd like it.T4tdMore Yngooia tomorrow!
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Time
2007-03-21 21:33:00
Tempus fugitA Latin phrase which translates quite literally as:Time to eat fudge.Here at T4td Corp, we've been having some thoughts of our own. Why not? Senior executives even get a staff discount.What we think, is that it's time for some changes here at T4td.And we don't mean one of those empty rebranding type of non-changes either.Which is a shame, because they're quicker and much, much cheaper. We are happy to offer our services as rebranding consultants, for anyone out there who needs to give a boost to their profits or their sagging personality.We even have work in progress.Christmas for atheists - rebranded as 'December 24.1'Shopping Malls - rebranded as 'Retail Theatre'Slum housing - rebranded as 'Urban Retro Chic'Iraq's WMD - rebranded as 'Just Sand'But for you, loyal reader, we want to make some real changes.Less adsLess links - except those to excellent sitesNew lookNew logoBut above all - a greater variety of content.We have plans to bring you:You'll Never...

Topical Tuesday
2007-03-20 21:20:00
Yes, it's back.Almost Topic al Tuesday (TM).Our last post made us think about supermarkets. And no, we're not going to put a link in here. Just move your mouse and scroll about a bit.What?Oh alright then. It's here.You are a lazy poltroon - and we mean that in the nicest way possible.Now supermarkets.A recent study has revealed that in the UK, people throw away one third of the food they buy.That's an average of course. We never waste anything at T4td Corp. All our scraps go to the office juniors whenever they've earned an eating day.Whenever you deal with averages, you've got to remember that many people fall into groups at opposite extremes.That must mean that there are some people who throw away all the food they buy. It could be that, presented with a lovely picture of delicious food on the packet, and finding a grey, congealed, cardboard-like substance inside, these people eat the packaging instead.Where are we going with this?Just here:Is it a coincidence that the m...
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