Thought 4 the Day

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Suspended
2007-05-23 20:15:00
The service from T4td has been temporarily suspended whilst we face an aggressive takeover bid from a party of elderly English professors who are hell bent on spending their retirement in reeking havoc on all the people who didn't buy their academically respected but largely ignored work on the obscure poets of the lower mezzanine era, i.e. the entire human civilisation, which they hope to bring to its knees through the medium of the internet.We thank you for your custom and your patience at this difficult time.Posting will resume once we have amassed a suitably large number of comments, because it's our ball and anyway, we've got to go in for our tea.Sincerely,T4td.We're not behind you just now.Please spare a moment to comment on this post. Lives depend on it.T4td.

Almost Topical Tuesday
2007-05-22 21:59:00
The latest T4td Sale - large quantity of charcoal - suitable for that Summer barbecue.Made from high quality oak.Previously known as the Cutty Sark.Relive your maritime heritage whilst burning your sausages.And for that perfect party venue, why not hire the mother of all gazebo's, previously known as the Millennium Dome. For an extra fee, we'll even paint the roof in green stripes.And for our trans-Atlantic readers, who may not have understood a word of this, here is some music whilst you wait for a cutting remark about how stupid George Bush is. Thank you for travelling with T4td.Sincerely,T4tdFastening your seatbelt.
More About: Tuesday , Pica

Celebrity Friday - Lara Croft Arrested
2007-05-18 17:50:00
Lara Croft arrested in the UK by those fun guys we call the British Police. Follow this link to watch the full story on the BBC website.
More About: Arrested , Celebrity , Friday , Rest , Lara Croft

A post as short as possible.
2007-05-17 21:36:00
?
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We found this Dear Reader
2007-05-16 19:12:00
and thought of you.It speaks for itself, but if you really, really want to send in a caption, then we shall read it carefully before passing your name to an appropriate therapist.But we might also give full credit to the sender of the most satirical entry.Give it a go.Sincerely,T4td.Speaking a thousand wordscharging for fifteen hundred.
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Ninja Warrior: Makoto Nagano
2007-05-15 14:52:00
Welcome to T4td's new early morning regime - compulsory for all the staff. Even senior management - although they are expected to delegate the difficult bits and just turn up to press the button at the end.
More About: Ninja , Arri , Mako , Warrior

You'll Never get Out of it Alive
2007-05-14 21:28:00
Previous signs you take life way too seriously (it's a link - just click it).Chapter 2 - Family.9.You are fond of reminding everyone that everything has an allocated place to 'live'.Especially in the wake of one of your frenzied three day re-organizations.More Yngooia next Monday.Or, for your convenience, click here to subscribe to our splendid Feed.Sincerely,T4tdKeep us in mind.
More About: Ever , Never , Get Out , Alive

Celebrity Friday
2007-05-11 20:41:00
Today, Celebrity Frida y is unwell.In other words, it's in rehab.Unfortunately, CF became addicted to aphorisms. It's condition worsened until it finally collapsed into a messy cliche, muttering something about rumours of its demise.We wish CF well in its efforts to recover, and would like to remind it that any attempt at claiming an allowance for its dizzyingly expensive rehab treatment will be met with a visit from our Extreme Accounting Dept. and their hungry polecats.Sincerely,T4tdWe're behind you.

Position Sought
2007-05-10 21:58:00
Retired gentleman seeks employment in an advisory role. The position must come be 'live in', preferably in London. Salary must be extremely large and have a number of perks, including, but not limited to, free international air travel, car allowance, personal security, and occasional backhanders from people who'd like to be lords.Please get in touch via T4td.Thank you.Tony.p.s.People of Scottish origin need not apply.
More About: Posi , Position

Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-05-09 21:36:00
caveat emptor A latin phrase meaning 'Let the buyer beware'. For example, a second hand car salesman will happily sell you a creaking deathtrap, safe in the knowledge that you should have asked these specific questions:When you assure me that the car has air-conditioning, does it chill the incoming air, or do you actually mean that one of the windows actually opens?When you use the phrase 'custom edition', do you actually mean that this car has been made by welding several others together?Is the stain in the boot (trunk) from a bottle of cola, or is it the result of this vehicle being used to carry a recently murdered member of the organised crime fraternity?Happy shopping.Sincerely,T4tdDoing it to them before they do it to us.
More About: Power , Ease , Cooler

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-05-07 21:51:00
Previous signs you take life way too seriously (it's a link - just click it).Chapter 2 - Family.8.Ever y January, you buy birthday cards for everyone you know. You spend all day writing them and addressing and labelling the envelopes with posting dates. As you put them away in a safe place, you find a large, and identical, pile of envelopes that you carefully put away last January.More Yngooia next Monday.Or, for your convenience, click here to subscribe to our splendid Feed.Sincerely,T4tdKeep us in mind.
More About: Never , Get Out , Alive

Celebrity Friday
2007-05-04 17:29:00
Today's Celebrity Frida y continues our 'Meet the Team' theme.We are proud to introduce Edwin. Edwin is a General Manager:Hi there. I'm Edwin, we're not formal here, no need to call me sir, but 'The Boss' or 'Governor' will do very nicely. Not that we'll be involved in much one-to-one interfacing, unless you give me cause for concern. But you're not going to do that are you - give me cause for concern? Come in early, leave late and whilst you're here, work hard. And also, wearing a short skirt wouldn't do any harm. OK. Now , let's throw a couple of ideas at the concept wall and see if any of them stick.Right.I'll get some in a minute.I'm a whizz at ideas. Quite an ideas man.A creative whirlpool of erm, creativity.OK. This paradigm isn't firming up for me so I'll toss it onto the back burner and we'll pencil in a conference call for next month.So that's that dealt with. God I'm good. Anyway, here's a joke I heard recently: A sales rep at a luxury ho...

Meet the New Group
2007-05-03 19:57:00
T4td is proud to announce the opening of a new Google Group ...Biting Satire.We would be interested to hear from any T4td readers who claim to have an active interest in satire and would like to be in our gang/come out to play/stay for tea.Just contact us via email or a comment to this post and make sure you leave a link to your satirical site. We'll then visit your site, find your email address and invite you to join the group. Then we can all start uploading and sharing and the whole thing will evolve beautifully/come crashing down around our ears in an ugly e-mess.People who claim to have a good sense of humour need not apply - just go back to your dating sites and mind your own business.Today's humorous content follows:Q. Friction - where would we be without it?A. Somewhere else.Sincerely,T4tdNo strait jacket required.
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Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-05-02 21:52:00
Catch up with the rest of this series here.Today's IYWP word is Kismet.It comes from a Turkish or Arabic word and literally means fate or destiny.When spoken with gritted teeth and a throbbing vein at the temple (the one on your head, not the building) it translates better as:Damn damn damn damn damn it was bound to happen anyway but damn damn damn it all the same.Use this phrase to vent stress at work without getting fired, or in public places - preferably after just scratching your new car by reversing into a sturdy wall - to show your feelings without punching that man walking by with a smug grin on his stupid face.So there you are - T4td better than being arrested.Those of you who like historical trivia (please see our You'll Never get Out of it Alive series), might like to know that some people believe Lord Nelson, fatally wounded at the Battle of Trafalgar just as he was really starting to enjoy himself, never said, 'Kiss me Hardy,' but actually uttered, 'Kismet Hardy....
More About: Power , Coole , Ease , Cooler

Almost Topical Tuesday
2007-05-01 20:31:00
May day in London, T4td observes, is no longer a day of riotous anti-somethingorother demonstrations.Instead, according to the BBC, demonstrators have become so anti-everything, that they've actually become pro-humour.A man stood in silence holding a blank placard.Apparently, he hopes to repeat the exercise next year and call it art.Perhaps he'll be awarded a grant.At T4td we did toy with the idea of placing a blank post today, but then, you wouldn't have known what we we're doing and you'd probably assume that Blogger was playing up.Instead, we'd like to stage our own protest.Join with us now.Say it loud:Bring Back Protests!Otherwise we might as well all go around just shrugging our shoulders and saying, 'Oh well, never mind, that's life,' about everything, and that is dangerously close to becoming French.Stand firm readers. Accept no substitute.Sincerely,T4tdUnited we stand, divided we sit down for a nice hot drink.
More About: Most , Tuesday , Pica

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-04-30 21:29:00
Sure signs you take life way too seriously.Previously on You'll Never Get Out of it Alive ...To catch up on any episodes you've missed, use this link.Chapter 2 - Family7.You send weekly email bulletins to your family, to inform them of your plans and whereabouts at all times.Of course, you have to stick to these plans rigidly.Which is why you spent today learning Japanese whilst climbing a medium-sized mountain.More Yngooia next week.Almost Topical Tuesday tomorrow, providing something topical almost happens.Sincerely,T4tdTapping progress on the shoulder and saying, 'Get the hell out of the way.'
More About: Ever

Post 101
2007-04-30 21:20:00
100 Thoughts 4 the Day have now been posted.Which makes this an ideal opportunity to increase the membership fee for T4td.From now on, thinking any of our thoughts will incur an increased charge ranging, depending on global economic variations, exchange rates and your income, from somewhere in the region of 'Ouch! That's expensive' to 'Oh no my wife/husband/partner/bank manager is going to kill me.'We hope that you find it reassuring to discover that everyone else is in the same boat, even though said boat is sinking at an alarming rate, you've only got a sieve to bail it out, and there are several objects in the water that look suspiciously like the dorsal fins of great white sharks.Monday's Yngooia follows shortly.Thank you.T4tdWe're all in it together - well you are anyway.
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Missing
2007-04-29 17:33:00
Our regular readers may have noticed that last Friday's edition of Celebrity Friday has gone missing.It seems that this post has escaped, we mean 'run away', from T4td whilst the balance of its mind was disturbed.If you find this missing post, please inform the authorities here at T4td.Members of the blogging public (blublic? Blogublic?) are advised not to approach or confront this post in any way, since satire has been known to bite.We will endeavour to return to normal service as soon as possible.In the meantime, here is some music.Thank you.Sincerely,T4tdWe're behind everyone.ps.You didn't really think we'd pay out for real music did you?
More About: Miss , Sing , Missing , Missi

What do you want?
2007-04-26 21:54:00
No, not that.We all want that.We mean, what do you want from T4td?This is a unique opportunity to express a few opinions about us.Normally, such suggestions might result in an almost instantaneous visit from one of our Dissatisfied Customer Care teams. If you're dissatisfied, they take care of you.But on this occasion, we're keeping those particular operatives under lock and key. And under sedation. And making sure the straps are especially tight. And checking they haven't chewed through their muzzles again (kevlar just isn't what it used to be).So let us have it.What do you like or dislike?What would you like to see more of?We've just changed the widgets - are they any good?We've put the T4td blidget back - now you can take T4td away with you.Please leave us a comment.We'll show our appreciation for useful comments by linking to you in a future post.Thank you.Sincerely,T4tdWe're listening to your thoughts.
More About: Want

An experiment
2007-04-25 21:54:00
T4td, ever the patron of the hopeless cause, is participating in Hammer's attempt to get himself listed the world's smartest man. We wish him well because the world needs a few smart people, even if only in an ironic sense (US translation: ironic='go figure'). We hope that our participation in this experiment does no offend any purist blog readers, i.e.the people who regard a cheery 'Good morning' as some sort of underhand spamming.If you are one of those people, we'd like to draw your attention to our You'll Never Get Out of it Alive series, which is here, even though you probably won't understand that it's meant to be humorous.Please don't feel any obligation to click on the above link.Sincerely,T4tdJust for the hell.
More About: Experiment , Peri , Rime

Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-04-25 21:26:00
Previously on Increase Your Watercooler Power ...If you're a newcomer, this link will help you catch up.Because there will be a test afterwards.This week, we will look at the language of appraisals and how to interpret them.The real meanings of each phrase are given in italics.How do you think you're doing?You have absolutely no idea of the amount of trouble you're in have you?What do you regard as your weaknesses?I know exactly what your weaknesses are, but just for fun, see how many of them you can guess. It should be easy - it's a LONG list.What have been your most significant achievements this year?And no, I'm not referring to the fact that you hold the office record for most time spent downloading porn.What opportunities for professional development could we offer you?Because it would be nice if you could do at least ONE damn thing properly.Where do you see yourself in a year's time?And if you if you even THINK about saying, 'In your job Sir,' I won't be responsible fo...
More About: Coole , Ease , Cooler

Almost Topical Tuesday
2007-04-24 21:58:00
Saddened at the death of Boris Yeltsin?Wondering how to celebrate the passing of one of the World's most influential leaders?Or just fancy a damn good party?Then let T4td bring you a new product sensation...The Boris Yeltsin All-in-one Wake Kit!Each kit comes complete with:Vodka - 2 cases of 12 extra large bottles, industrial strength (see note 1)Shot glasses - 1 box of 100, single-use, EasySmash Glass(TM)Replica Fireplace kit - made from sturdy fibreglass, to throw empty glasses at (see note 2)Stirring Russian Music - 5 CD's featuring all the great military anthems (see note 3)Conductor's Baton - flexible yet strong enough to withstand a friendly tussle over who gets to wave it.Notes:1) The warning label on the vodka is for joke/novelty value - of course the vodka is intended for human consumption, otherwise we wouldn't sell it to you.2) Not an actual fireplace so not suitable for any heating purpose. What are you - some kind of idiot?3) CD's 3 and 5 are the same, but by the ...
More About: Topic , Most , Tuesday , Pica

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-04-23 21:28:00
Sure signs you take life way too seriously.Previously on You'll Never Get Out of it Alive ...To catch up on any episodes you've missed, use this link.Chapter 2 - Family6.Your children have both of your middle names,plus at least two more, taken from unsung military heroes -of the Byzantine Empire. There is some teasing at school,especially for the girls,but that sort of thing never did you any harm did it?Come back next Monday for more signs you take life way too seriously.Tomorrow will be Almost Topical Tuesday.And after that, who knows what will happen?We sure as hell don't.But don't lie awake worrying about that.Just click on this link to subscribe to our feed from those lovely people at Feedburner.And then you can lie awake at night worrying about something else.Like that noise you just heard.And no, it wasn't a cat. That's just in the movies.Sleep tight.Sincerely,T4tdWith us, you're never alone - ever.
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Black Books - Bernard's Letter
2007-04-20 22:46:00
Aspiring writers - watch this.
More About: Books , Black , Letter , Black Books , Bernard

Celebrity Friday
2007-04-20 21:35:00
After last weeks little debacle (see here), which we can only put down to it being Frida y the 13th, we would like to assure our readers that the management team at T4td are seriously medicated - sorry, we meant 'dedicated' - and are not in the habit of bunking off early on a Friday, going to the pub and not coming back. To which we'd like to add... er, no ice thanks, I prefer it neat... to which we'd like to add our sincere... no, no lemon either... to add our heart-felt... oh, hang on, get us a packet of peanuts, no, I hate dry roasted I don't know what that brown dusty coating is but I have my suspicions it comes from the rancid nether regions of a scabies-ridden yak... to add our half-felt, we mean half-full, no hateful, no, we erm, oh bugger it. Now we'll have to start all over again.Or just give up.Today's celebrity is this guy sitting right next to me. He does something with advertising back at the office. I don't know what exactly, but it's something to do wit...
More About: Celebrity

Spurious Statistics
2007-04-19 22:24:00
New studies involving a cross section of society, have shown the following:78% people believe that statistics are only 34% reliable43% of people believe that 72% of statistics are between 67% and 87.05% reliablewhilst the remaining 13% of people are completely innumerate.Government targets aim to improve numeracy within 3 years or by 2012, whichever is sooner.Please remember, Spurious Stat istics is only an occasional series, but you can read all of them from this link.

Increase Your Watercooler Power
2007-04-18 21:56:00
Ever read Per pro at the bottom of a letter or memo? As I'm sure you know, you get this when someone has signed the letter on someone's behalf. But read on - this does get more interesting. And quite funny too.It's an abbreviation of the Latin phrase per procurationem.Keep going - that wasn't the funny bit.Literally, it means 'by proxy', but in the world of modern business it has come to have several other subtle meanings:1 - The boss is away - at last - and although I'm only his deputy, I'm going to have some fun throwing my weight around, settling old scores, empire building and generally making everyone else's lives a complete misery.2 - I want to tell you something, but you're not important enough for me to bother signing this letter myself so I got my over-keen deputy to do it.3 - This letter contains something contentious and it could spark a major row, so I'd like to distance myself from it, cover my back and let my dumb deputy take the fall if things go wrong.4 ...
More About: Power , Coole , Ease , Cooler

Almost Almost Topical Tuesday
2007-04-17 21:25:00
It's hard to write this post today whilst surrounded by news of the senseless shooting of students in the US.It seems all the harder to bear when we realise that we've seen such scenes before.Just one thought, along with our sympathies for any US citizens reading this - you'll never get the guns off your streets until you get them out of your homes.I know you have your Constitution, and many of its aims are laudable. It was also, like all laws, a product of its time. In the UK, we once had laws to the effect that whistling on a Sunday would result in the transportation of the guilty party to a harsh existence in the penal colonies of Australia.The Constitution did not prevent slavery. It did not prevent years of racial prejudice. It has not prevented a number of dubious international interventions.Whatever its good points, it contains an error.No-one has a right to carry a murderous weapon. No-one. And that is a truth that citizens of the World should hold as self-evident....
More About: Topic , Most , Tuesday , Pica

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive
2007-04-16 21:58:00
Signs you take life way too seriously.Chapter 2 - Family.5.You have drawn up a colour-coded rota for the bathroom and you refuse to use it at any other time.Now, whenever you see your colour (red) you get the uncontrollable urge to urinate - which has led to some testing times when stuck at traffic lights.More Yngooia next week.Come back tomorrow for Almost Topical Tuesday.Or even better, click on one of our fancy bookmark buttons at the bottom of the post to gain instant enlightenment, world peace and fresh breath confidence.Sincerely,T4tdWe're all in it together, which is why there isn't much room.
More About: Ever , Never , Get Out , Alive

Celebrity Friday
2007-04-13 21:30:00
It's Celebrity Frida y time again.And wow, we've got a really amaz...Hello.There's no-one here.They've all gone out to lunch.And that was more than eight hours ago.Management eh?They turn up late, they don't do any work when they get here, then they take the afternoon off.Not like me. I'm only a cleaner. I'm lucky if I get five minutes peace and a round of cheese and pickle.And I reckon I'm cleverer than the lot of them put together. They just had the lucky breaks, the rich mummies and daddies, the private schools, the regular meals.And here's me on minimum wage. Well I reckon there's nothing to this though t for the day lark. Here's mine:When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.PlatoAnd they said that doctorate in philosophy would never come in useful.Sincerely,ArnoldThe cleaner at T4td.