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The Phantom Pisser
2008-01-16 04:58:00
It takes a lot of anger to actually piss on someone's office door right in the middle of a work day. Triplet found it very strange that there were no witnesses. Both security and HR were investigating the crime scene this morning and conducting employee interviews. I suggested they come up with a short list of  suspects and take urine samples to match against the sample they take from the door.  Here's the obvious list:Pangbourn - Because Smithee sent him a bomb (well, a loud ticking clock)Osmund - Because Smithee assumed she would like the doggie positionOsaka - Because that's what aliens do when they get upsetGladstone - Because Smithee called him a Kun, who is actually a Korean Accounting ManagerPengilly - Because Smithee complimented his nice haircutBlair - Because she's BlairAny one of the executives could have had their assistants do the dirty work for them, so each assistant should be on the list as well.While Triplet did not take my suggestion or my list of su...
More About: Humor , Phantom , Suicidal

A Case of the Mondays
2008-01-15 00:58:00
Somebody took a piss on Smithee's office door today.  This has been a very strange Monday. Not so much for me, but definitely for Smithee. Pangbourn, the Sr VP of Marketing, went to HR today and told Triplet, the Sr VP of HR, that if Smithee comes within 50 yards of him he'll call security and have him shot. Triplet explained that even though he was a senior vice president, he could not have anyone shot. Pangbourn then asked for the proper approval form and said he could get Skeffington, the CEO, to sign off on the request. Osmund, the Sr VP of Licensing, also paid a visit to Triplet. Apparently Smithee had sent her a nude photo of himself having sex with another woman with a note that said, "This could be you." Osmund claimed that it could never be her; she would never assume the doggie position because it's demeaning to women. The only way a woman should have sex with a man is to put him beneath her and ride on top. Triplet said that she couldn't file a com...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Finance , Satire

User Status
2008-01-12 03:01:00
Athena the Lesbian has decided not to be a lesbian after all. And although she's still a Greek Lesbian, she is no longer a gay lesbian. At the Christmas party curiosity got the best of her and she decided to experiment with Jane from Softlines, leaving me and stiffy out in the cold. Apparently she enjoyed it quite a bit. So much so, she thought it had taken and she became a lesbian. But it didn't quite take the way she thought it had taken because she really started missing stiffy, something Jane from Softlines could not provide. So she's now back for more, which is good for me since I've fallen a little short after the whole Christmas party debacle. For example, Lucia has not been the same since she found God and started attending Mulhausen's weekly Bible study. She believes that committing adultery with a fellow member of the Bible study group is somehow more acceptable in the Lord's eyes than fucking an agnostic like myself. After all, they have the same beliefs, they're o...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Bible Study , Satire

The Onshore Alternative
2008-01-11 04:55:00
Budget planning continues and we've had to make a few more cuts. As a result, Tefft has decided to go with a cost-effective yet risk-adverse alternative to offshore outsourcing. She is no longer going to send work to India. "I'm still going to have Indians do the work, but onshore instead of offshore," she said."But their rate will be the same as any contractor here in the states," I said. "How is that cost-effective?""No, not the Indians with dots. The Indians with feathers," she said. Tefft has found a company that will go to Reservations to administer behavioral and aptitude tests to willing participants, then select those who qualify to attend a 12 week training course on computer programming.  Tefft has already started planning for welcoming the feathered Indians. She has asked Gladstone to prepare a mural that depicts the battle of the Alamo in which the Indians overtook the Mexicans. She's been saying, Remember th...
More About: Humor , Alternative , Satire , Alterna

The Special Project
2008-01-09 01:58:00
While I mentor Smithee in office politics to insure a successful tenure in the role, I continue to plot the closure of the current theatrical run. Who kills shows on Broadway? The critics. So I decided to introduce him to one of the harshest critics in the company, who also happens to be the most criticized in the company because of his own incompetence and inability to deliver. But the beauty of criticism is that you don't have to be competent at anything yourself to criticize others. I asked Fernandez if he could take Smithee under his wing. Fernandez had taken others under his wing in the past and very successfully destroyed their careers. When you ask an executive for help or advice, they believe it's because you are not nearly as wise as they are and their ego cannot resist accepting the request so that they may further prove how superior they are to you and everyone else. As Vice President of Special Project s, Fernandez had absolutely nothing to do, so it was reasonable for ...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire

Candi Kans
2008-01-08 02:42:00
I ran into Wheels, a-hem, I mean Kristy today in the hallway. I'm trying to be sensitive to the "handy capable" now that her boss Plotkin is in a wheel chair. He's now confined to a wheel chair because he fears losing the use of his legs even though he has not actually lost the use of them yet. I'll stop referring to Kristy as "Wheels" because it seems much more fitting for me to refer to Plotkin as "Wheels" now that he actually rolls down the hallway.Kristy was wearing a skirt that I'm sure fell just outside corporate standards on acceptable attire for the workplace. The long slit running up the backside didn't help, but who's gonna say anything? I guess someone complained about Athena the Lesbian's tits, so anything is possible. Kristy said that she finally met Smithee. She had a sparkle in her eye and a devious smile. A wave of nausea rolled over me.I caught Smithee coming out of his office. He was on his way up to Conference room 3402 to meet...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Office Romance

Less Painful than Expected
2007-12-29 00:49:00
Blair stopped by my office today. She had a sweet smile on her face, so I immediately knew she hated me again. She obviously found out about my conversation with Kornfeld. Blair does not like to let the cat out of the bag right away. She likes to see if she can catch me in a lie so that her condemnation can be that much more fervent. "I was thinking," she said. "If you really need the extra money in the training budget for legitimate business reasons, I shouldn't deny you the increase just because you can't answer a simple question."I knew what was coming, and since Kornfeld already took care of the issue and I was not sitting in the six hour Outlook Calendar training class which was going on at this very moment, I decided to see how long Blair could maintain her fake sweet demeanor.  "Well," I said. "I actually did answer the question. You just didn't like the answer."I could see a wave of irritation roll over her face, but she held h...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Office Romance

Face Time with Alan Smithee
2007-12-28 04:34:00
It was 2:10 p.m. Kornfeld sat tapping his fingers on the table in conference room 3402 as he looked at his watch and sighed, not believing for a moment he was actually going to meet Smithee today as I had promised. I, however, kept my hands at a very safe distance from the table that just yesterday had been used as a sex prop for McKinney's 3D porn shoot. Now both of Kornfeld's eyes were swollen and pink. "Other goggle break too?" I asked.He ignored the question and squinted at his watch again. Kornfeld was not worried about 3402 being haunted. He didn't believe in anything. His eyes were almost swollen shut and he didn't believe he had pink eye."Good afternoon, gentlemen." Kornfeld swiveled his head and looked up with his puffy eyes. He stood up with his mouth slightly agape. He did not expect Smithee to actually show up. And yet, there he was. Alan Smithee looked exactly how one might imagine: strong, handsome, polished and wearing an tailore...
More About: Business , Humor , Time , Satire , Face

Nick Zima
2007-12-27 02:04:00
Well, Christmas was wonderful.  I got power tools. Just the basics, like a power drill and--honestly, I don't know what the fuck the other thing is. Some sort of impact wrench. My wife did not give me power tools because I'm one of those guys who likes to build shit with his own hands (and power tools).  She gave me power tools because she wants me to put up shelves and cabinets. Anything she does for me is always meant to get something for herself. In this case, not gonna happen with or without power tools.So I started my day with the foul residual taste of holiday gift exchange and the agonizing realization that there is probably no way out of attending the six hour Outlook Calendar training class on Friday. I had a meeting with Plotkin and a couple of analysts scheduled in conference room 3402 today at 3:00. I was hoping they'd cancel since 3402 was rumored to be haunted. When I got to the conference room, I found Schoonhoven standing at the door. He's a networ...
More About: Humor , Satire , Nick

Kornfeld's Pink Eye
2007-12-24 23:08:00
Twas the day before Christmas, when all through the building, not a creature was stirring, except Blair, that fucking bitch!I never was very good at poems. But I have to say, that had a nice ring to it...The place is pretty much empty, except for Blair and the rest of Finance. I can't believe she won't do a simple little favor for the guy who fucks her like a rock star. And why not? Not because of a business or finance issue associated with the budget... But because she doesn't like my answer to her question, Why do you love me? Well, she forced my hand and made me go to her boss, Kornfeld. Kornfeld, the Director of Finance, is a very sickly man who will never admit he has anything, although he always has something. Today, it looks like he has a very bad case of pink eye."You should probably get some antibiotics for that pink eye you have there," I said."It's not pink, it's red," he said, defensively. "What's the difference?" "Pink ...
More About: Humor , Satire

How to Maintain a Dysfunctional Relationship
2007-12-22 00:50:00
"I love you because you make me happy," I said.She again stared at me with the look of stone cold granite.  There are those of you who have asked if I really love Blair or not. I actually do love Blair, but not because she makes me happy. In fact, I stay in the relationship with Blair because she doesn't make me happy. If she did make me happy, I might get the bright idea to leave my wife to start a whole new relationship that would land me in the exact same situation I'm in now a couple years down the road. I don't know exactly why I love Blair, which makes it very hard to answer her question truthfully or otherwise. She, unlike anyone else in the User Pool, fills a mystery void left by the fucked up relationship I have with my wife. There's probably a better way to fill that void, but until I know exactly what the void is, I can't really make adjustments.So I put up with her shit, but not because she's beautiful or because she's the most sexual person I...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Finance , Relationship , Satire

The Blair Treatment
2007-12-21 02:12:00
I can never tell Blair the truth because she always believes it's a lie. Most of the time it is a lie, so most of the time she's correct. But with a lie, I always work out the details so that I'm ready for her inquisition. But when I tell the truth, it takes me off guard when she suddenly decides to interrogate me. This makes it seem like I've been caught in a lie, when really I've just been caught in a truth. I just never prepare myself for the truth as well as I do for a lie. Although I have found myself telling lies to support the truth. That's usually done on the fly and never comes off as well as something rehearsed. So telling Blair the truth about my deal with Bouncy Beth Bigalow to get out of Outlook training would only get me into trouble for being untruthful. That means, in order for Blair to believe the truth, I need to tell her a lie. Even if I were honest up front about it and she somehow believed me, she'd n...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Treatment

Company Training Classes
2007-12-20 01:15:00
I was sent to HR again today because I have failed to comply with another company policy. "I removed the '666' as my office number," I said. "Thank you," Triplet said. "But this has nothing to do with Satan or the antichrist this time."I pretended to be relieved to give her the false sense that I was there to cooperate. But I knew exactly why she had called me down to her office.   There is a company requirement for all employees to take a six hour training class on Microsoft Outlook Calendar. This does not include email; just the calendar module of MS Exchange. This class could be taught in ten minutes. I thought I could avoid taking the class by blocking all email messages coming from the company training department, including calendar appointment requests, and then plead ignorance. I was preparing to do just that. "Why have you not taken the Outlook Calendar training class?" Triplet inquired."What Outlook Calendar trai...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Company , Training , Satire

D-Day (10 Days are Up)
2007-12-19 02:05:00
Fessler finally arrived back in the office today after a 10 day business trip to Paris. By my calculations, this would also be the day: Fessler finds out that he hired a consultant named Alan Smithee to be the interim Director of Application Development.Fessler finds out that most people like Smithee and feel he's doing an excellent job.Mulhausen complains to Fessler about hiring Smithee without his input.Fessler tells Mulhausen that he never hired anyone named Smithee.Mulhausen realizes Smithee doesn't exist.Mulhausen fires me. But I knew this would happen. I knew it would happen 10 days ago when I went into the lab and created my monster. I figure this is par for the course. Just about everything I do tends to follow a path to self-destruction.  Mulhausen called me into his office right after lunch. "I got an email message from Fessler a few minutes ago," he said. "It was about Smithee."  Mulhausen seemed...
More About: Humor , Satire , Days

Blendi the Virgin
2007-12-18 01:15:00
I hope you don't think I'm prejudice or anything, but I typically don't associate with virgins. I think it's the way I was brought up. I'm not trying to blame my parents, but neither of them were virgins. They didn't set a very good example for their children by having sex and giving birth to us. Although I thought for a while that my father was a virgin. Then one day I took a long hard look in the mirror and realized I was just like him. And I was no virgin...I'm not going to say virgins are second class citizens or that they should not have the same rights as the rest of us, but I do like to keep my distance. It's hard to relate to someone who doesn't self-indulge. I mean, clearly our bodies are meant to have sex, so when I run across someone who practices self-control over their sexual desires, I want absolutely nothing to do with that person.I used to think we should round up all the virgins and put them on an island where they could live happily without sex. And once t...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Virgin , Office Romance

Office Holiday Party Aftermath
2007-12-15 02:38:00
Well, looks like Tefft picked the right theme for year's office holiday party after all. The party couldn't have been more apocalyptic... Not for everyone. Just me.Sorry, the blog is a little long today, but a lot of shit went down last night... The party was held in one of the large ballrooms at the Red Lion Hotel with 6 tables of appetizers set up at one end, a stage with a DJ at the other end, and full bars positioned in each corner of the expansive hall. At 7:00 sharp, a cavalcade of young aspiring actors and actresses pretending to be servers came crashing through the double doors with your choice of a fish or chicken plate. The food was average, but nobody was here for the food. At my table sat Gladstone, Conklin, Petrizzo, McKinney, Kessler, and a few miscellaneous staffers. We were all having a conversation, but rarely did we look at each other. Our eyes were darting back and forth like pin-balls racking up points between two bumpers. Women looked depraved and immora...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Office , Holiday , Party

Office Holiday Party Preparation
2007-12-14 01:31:00
The office holiday party begins in just a couple of hours and Gladstone has printed all the counterfeit drink tickets we'll need. Tefft is already over at the hotel with her staff putting up the Apocalypse decorations. Celebrating Christ's first coming vs. his second coming--what's the difference? A little vengeance and destruction, that's all. And forget the rest of the religions this year; we like to keep a narrow focus at this company. It's like when your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you order more than you can eat. There's only so much religion a company can swallow and its hard enough keeping Christianity down. So Tefft has stuck to the basics and will only acknowledge Christ's birth with her decorations this holiday season, and of course his second coming and the destruction of the Earth. Most people are getting ready for the party at this point. The women are slutting it up: sliding into short skirts with high slits the run up the thigh or even better, straigh...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Office , Holiday , Party

Office Holiday Party DOs and DON'Ts
2007-12-13 03:39:00
The annual office holiday party is tomorrow night so HR published their annual office holiday party DOs and DON'Ts memo. This is the memo which specifies exactly what appropriate behavior is for a party that has been meticulously planned and orchestrated to enable inappropriate behavior."While this is certainly a time of celebration, excessive drinking is inappropriate..." While alcohol will be served, each person will only receive two drink tickets in order to keep people from the excessive drinking that occurs with an open bar. This also saves the company a considerable amount of money and minimizes the liability associated with any alcohol related car accidents after the party.  However, senior executives will be given black wrist bands which allows them to get unlimited free drinks. So apparently it is appropriate for senior executives to drink excessively and anyone else who kisses their ass that evening. "While there is no policy against dating cowork...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Office , Holiday , Party

Cleavage in the Workplace
2007-12-12 00:06:00
Blair and Athena the Lesbian were both in a bad mood today. Blair, because she was stood up for Sushi the night before by my imaginary boss and Athena the Lesbian, because someone was offended by her cleavage and complained to HR. Blair would not tell me why she was in such a bad mood, although of course, I already knew. She looked absolutely stunning. More makeup than usual and more cleavage. This, I suppose, was done to make it very clear to Smithee that he had missed out on some good shit because of his rude cancellation. But when Blair stopped by Smithee's office, she did not find the nonexistent man, so she yelled at Teri because her new imaginary boss wasn't available. She left more pissed off than when she came. Last night must have been spectacular. After all, she waited an entire hour for a man who doesn't exist to show up for dinner. When she finally got his text message cancelling, she probably threw her phone at the waiter, screamed obscenities and stormed out of the ...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Workplace , Bible Study , Satire

Everybody Loves Sushi
2007-12-10 13:16:00
There's nothing like starting your week with a sushi lunch on the company tab. The staff was very excited, as most of them enjoy eating raw fish with gobs of wasabi in muddied soy sauce. They were also looking forward to meeting Smithee, the new boss, but unfortunately he had to take a rain check, as an important meeting came up last minute.I put the lunch on my company AMX, even though Mulhausen won't sign my expense report if there's even a trace of sushi on it. He believes sushi is too lavish for menial workers like me and my staff. But now Smithee will be signing my expense reports... Company policy states that you cannot sign for a company lunch if you attend the lunch; unscrupulous employees might take advantage of a situation like that. However, since Smithee didn't attend the lunch, he can sign my expense report and I haven't broken any rules. As far as I know, nobody has ever published a policy against making up a pretend boss.   Blair took my advice and sent...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Sushi , Office Romance

The Perfect Boss
2007-12-08 01:30:00
I finally report to the perfect boss. Here are the main reasons Alan Smithee is the best boss ever:He does not micro-manage my every moveHe is not insecure about his own competenceHe is not threatened by my competenceHe does not base business decisions on mood swingsHe is not an idiotHe is benevolent and fair He is aggressive but not overbearingHe does not existI think that last reason is probably the most important reason he's the perfect boss. Or maybe he does exist because I exist, and reporting to myself is what makes my new reporting relationship so perfect. Either way, my new boss is perfect.He has been answering email messages and accepting meeting invites all day. He does this mostly from his new Blackberry. Unfortunately he has already become so popular, he gets double-booked a lot. This frequently happens when he has a meeting with Mulhausen. So he sends me instead. Unfortunately, I can make no decisions for Smithee, nor can Mulhausen ask me to do anything ...
More About: Humor , Satire , Boss , Perfect