The User PoolThe User PoolA social satire about office politics and relationships 
Articles
Why Zombies Don't Date
2009-11-18 02:26:00 I suppose the main reason zombies don’t date is because they don’t fuck. Dead dicks don’t fuck and neither do dried-up pussies. That’s just one of the facts of life. Zombies don’t fuck so zombies don’t date. Whether you’re male of female, we’re all just trying to get laid. Sure, some people want to throw emotions and commitment into the exchange, but sex is what drives us all. Except for zombies. Hunger for human flesh drives zombies.... Click to read more... More About: Phone
Meet Your Maker
2009-11-13 18:58:00 Kelsey's Angry Fiancé called a meeting with Kornfeld and myself. I assumed this was because he had already figured out that the man who fucked his wife was not the Director of Finance, but in fact, the Manager of Technology. And therefore, the man he wanted to kill was actually me not Kornfeld. Blair and Kelsey were also invited to this meeting. I was beginning to wonder if he took this job just so that he could fillet me in front of these very people in a meeting, like the one I was about to attend. I had no strategy going in because I had no idea what to expect. I didn't want any surprises walking into the room, so I got to the meeting first, found my power position at the conference room table, then mentally prepared for the onslaught as I waited. Of course, the first to arrive was Kelsey's Angry Fiancé. He greeted me with a smile and a handshake. I told myself: Wait for it... Wait for it... But it didn't come. He made small ta... More About: Meet , Maker
Online Socializing leads to offline Sex
2009-11-11 21:21:00 Remember when you had to go to a bar and pick up someone in order to get laid? According to a new mobile dating survey conducted by Intelitech Inc, the creators of Phone Shag, 70.4-percent surveyed have known someone that took online interaction offline and met their date in person. How many of these people actually fucked, they didn’t say. Click to read more... More About: Online Dating , Offline , Leads , Online
The Problem with Nepotism
2009-11-06 19:59:00 The problem with nepotism is that it makes it easier for people who want to kill you to become employed at the same company in which you work. Kelsey's Angry Fiancé will be starting work at my company on Monday as a Brand Manager. I suppose I knew this all along, but Kelsey is not the sharpest tool in the shed. She is, however, a really hot piece of ass, which always outweighs.... Well, just about any other factor [reference How to Get Inside Your Enemy's Head (and Mouth)]. I asked Kelsey why she would help her angry fiancé get a job at our company. Forget about the fact that he wants to kill me-- she's still trying to fuck me on the side and now it's going to be that much more difficult to pull off with an angry fiancé in the same building all the live-long day. Her answer: I didn't think about that... Kelsey's Angry Fiancé working at the same company presents several problems: He wants to murder me I can't easily fu... More About: Problem
How to be an Effective Online Slut
2009-11-03 20:09:00 There’s no better place than online to enjoy being a slut without having to deal with the traditional castigation from friends and co-workers. For example, there’s nothing worse for a woman than being known as the Office Slut at work. And it doesn’t take much to become one. All you really have to do is blow two guys in the same department. Once you’re labeled the Office Slut, you’re stuck with it until you leave the company... Click to read more... More About: Online Dating , Online
How to Sleep with Your Enemy & Still Remain Enemies
2009-10-28 19:17:00 Blair thinks Fiona the Cunt is a real cunt. Which is exactly why she likes Fiona the Cunt. Blair believes that I also think Fiona the Cunt is a real cunt and therefore that's one less woman Blair needs to worry about me fucking around with. However, one thing I have learned as a result of recent events: I will fuck any hot female who wants to fuck me--even if I think she's a real cunt. I finally had a talk with Fiona the Cunt and she seems just as hot for me as she did the night we fucked in the parking lot. But trust me when I say, I do not believe a word she says. Although apparently I do not have a problem fucking someone who may have ulterior motives, just for the sake of getting laid. Regardless, I'm on to her and will not make the same mistakes Gladstone made. Well, not all the same mistakes. And even if she is sincere as a result of my deception, what's the harm in not trusting her? I don't trust anyone, least of all someone I named "The Cunt". But ... More About: Enemies , Sleep
Ghouls, Sluts, and Perverts
2009-10-27 19:49:00 Halloween not only brings out the ghouls, but also the sluts and perverts. In all of us. This is the one night a year that ALL women have the license to dress slutty, but not be perceived as a slut. Because if ALL women are doing it, there’s nothing slutty about it. Halloween normalizes dressing and looking like a slut... Click to read more...
How to Steal Cookies from a 13-Year-Old
2009-10-21 19:17:00 Pangbourn drugged and then had sex with his assistant's 13-year-old sister when she tried to sell him Girl Scout cookies. Since Pangbourn has contributed so much to this company, including the Bomb Threat Checklist, Human Resources has decided that this means he has done nothing wrong. Also, given the incident happened over a week ago, HR says enough time has passed that we should all just move on. HR issued this statement: Whatever you think about this so-called "horrific, indisputably grotesque crime," it would be irresponsible of this organization to ignore the monumental contributions Pangbourn has made that have directly impacted this company's bottom line. Debra, his assistant, has forgiven Pangbourn, since her 13-year-old sister is too young to really understand the concept. We do, however, anticipate that when she's reached the age of 45, she will long since gotten over it and ultimately forgive him completely. Regardless, the Girl Scouts of Am... More About: Cookies , Steal
How to Get Inside Your Enemy's Head (and mouth)
2009-10-13 19:07:00 Friday night was the night I intended to execute an offensive against Fiona the Cunt, who has been my sworn enemy since Conklin's Slutty Wife accidentally died while we were trying to murder her. I successfully executed the plan, enlisting the help of Kessler and Chelsea the Intern. But then things got weird. Mainly, when I fucked Fiona the Cunt. Admittedly, most of my devious plans are directly tied to a goal of fucking someone. But in this case, all I wanted to do was get the bitch off my back. When a plan backfires and I end up fucking a hot piece of ass as an accidental result... Can't be all bad. After work, we met at an Italian restaurant for drinks and dinner as the ICATT (Integration Committee of Associated Technology Teams), formally known as ITTSC (I.T. Team Spirit Committee). The team is made up of Tefft, Adler from the PMO, Maggie the Drunk, Dinton, Fiona the Cunt and myself, with Tawny the Temp as the "scribe".&n... More About: Mouth , Inside , Head
Adverse Friday
2009-10-13 00:02:00 Well... I fucked Fiona the Cunt. Uh. That is all. More About: Friday
The Double Team
2009-10-06 21:20:00 Fiona the Cunt and Tawny the Temp are double teaming me. And not in a good way. Tawny the Temp still wants her money for fucking me even though she didn't disclose there was a cost until after the fact; and she still wants the money even though her pimp, Bonnie Bod, has been exposed and disposed of (again). And Fiona the Cunt still wants to prove I killed her sister, Conklin's Slutty Wife, even though I had almost nothing to do with it. I'm on the ICATT (Integration Committee of Associated Technology Team s), formally known as ITTSC (I.T. Team Spirit Committee). I actually got them to agree to change the name because its more about team integration than "team spirit," which sounds too juvenile for professionals like ourselves. And because I really like saying ICATT (I see a titty). Fiona the Cunt is also on the committee and she brought in Tawny the Temp to be the scribe. Given Tefft, Adler from the PMO, Maggie the Drunk, and Dinton are the other... More About: Double
Tough Economy
2009-09-30 01:46:00 The Company has decided to discontinue CPR training. The thought is that if someone keels over on the job, it should be considered a part of natural attrition. When someone is leaving the company for a higher paying job, the Company does not counter offer in order to keep the person. Likewise, if someone is trying to die, the Company feels we should not stand in their way. Why train people to do something that the Company does not support? Like saving lives. In addition, the Company will save money on the cost of CPR training and eliminate the loss of productivity that is incurred while people are training to save something that has become such little value to the organization. The best way to cut costs is to cut the labor cost. The Company does not like layoffs. This always results in poor publicity. Natural attrition is always the best policy and as such, the Company will step up its efforts to make this the unhappiest place to work in town. Or e... More About: Business , Economy
Blameless Again
2009-09-23 02:05:00 Kornfeld is surprised that he's suddenly getting anonymous death threats for having apparently fucked another man's fiancée. However, I am not surprised at all. Since Kornfeld is Blair 's boss, she found out about the anonymous death threats and told me because I had told her that Kelsey was interested in Kornfeld, even though she's engaged. Blair thought Kelsey was interested in me until her spies confirmed that Kelsey was telling people that she was interested in Kornfeld. Kelsey was interested in Kornfeld because I told her before she was hired that I was the Director of Finance. I told her this because I thought it would get me laid. It did get me laid and also got me off the hook for fucking another man's fiancée. Unfortunately for Kornfeld, the whole thing has sort of fucked him over. Blair is surprised because she never thought Kornfeld would cheat on his wife. She's actually right about that because Kornfeld is a w... More About: Marriage
Kelsey's Angry Fiance
2009-09-16 17:55:00 Kelsey's fiancé still does not want to have a threesome with me and Kelsey because he still wants to kill me for having a twosome with Kelsey. I still do not want to have a threesome with Kelsey and her angry fiancé because I still do not have MFM threesomes. Kelsey still wants to have a twosome with me, but no longer wants to tell her fiancé because she loves him dearly and still wants to marry him. I don't like it when people want to kill me because it makes me paranoid like Pangbourn. The difference between Pangbourn's paranoia and mine is that Pangbourn always thinks someone is trying to kill him but nobody ever is; while I only think someone is trying to kill me because someone has threatened to do so. Various people have threatened to kill me in the past, including Pangbourn. The threats usually come because I have fucked someone who someone else thought was their exclusive fuck. Nobody is exclusive. I know this because... More About: Marriage , Blair , Angry , Lucia
Blair's Little Hitler
2009-09-09 02:36:00 Blair's vagina has a way with words. In fact, her vagina should be a motivational speaker. Whenever Blair's vagina opens her pretty little mouth to speak, I'm absolutely captivated. I perk up like a little soldier standing at attention. After Blair got waxed yesterday, I realized the real reason why. Usually, Blair goes with the Playboy. This time she went with the Hitler (aka Brazilian [cavado], landing strip, Mohawk, etc.). Whenever Blair gets freshly waxed, she likes me to feel how smooth it is--mainly with my face. So last night during the demonstration, I realized why her vagina speaks with such authority... Because Blair's vagina is a little dictator. As with any dictator (or dick-tator), I must comply or suffer the stringent penalties (i.e., blue balls in this case). Under a dictatorship, you don't even think for yourself anymore; the dictator thinks for you. Don't misunderstand me. Blair herself is not a dictator. And if she denies ... More About: Blair
Coitus Interrupt Us
2009-09-03 17:45:00 Kelsey told me that after much deliberation over the pre-threesome twosome, her fiancé finally said that their relationship meant far too much for him to risk losing her over something like this. So he agreed to let me fuck her. He felt the threesome would be good for her and would strengthen their relationship, so if it meant she had to have sex with me first in order to have the threesome, he was okay with it. I bring couples closer together... So we got a hotel room. Now at this point, you'd think it would be easy. But nothing ever is when you're fucking another man's woman. Especially when he knows about it. And even if he's given his consent. He knew the time, but not the place. I made sure of that. Kelsey was hot. She stripped down to black garters, hose, panties and bra. And a pair of spiked heels that I made her keep on. I gave her a nice, slow passionate kiss. She then told me that she loved her fiancé. So I grabbed her by the back o...
FML
2009-08-27 18:47:00 As it turns out, Kelsey is a very honest and loyal person. Which is why she told her fiancé that I'm trying to fuck her. This was her opening statement at the bar after we got our first drink. Naturally, my first reaction was fear for my life as I quickly scanned the room for an angry fiancé waiting with a couple of his boys for the right moment to escort me from the premises in order to beat the living shit out of me. But the bar was clear. I looked back and asked her, Why did you tell him that, why did you still agree to have a drink with me, and more importantly, why did he allow it? "We're not married yet," she said. "Then why the fuck did you tell him?" I asked. "I can't lie to him," she said. "He's my fiancé." I just stared at her for a moment. I ordered a shot for both of us. "He's not pissed off about it?" I asked. "No," she said. "He thinks it might be good for us." I think we all know anything that sounds too good to be true... More About: Marriage , Adultery
Perception is Everything
2009-08-21 23:22:00 Blair does not appear to like Kelsey, the new Licensing Apparel Coordinator, solely because she has a smoking hot body. On the other hand, most men at the company appear to like Kelsey emphatically, solely because she has a smoking hot body. Blair does not appear to trust me solely because she trusts me. If she trusted me and appeared as though she trusted me, she could no longer trust me because I would know that she trusted me. Yes, it's twisted and fucked up, but that's the way her mind works. So Blair always appears to not trust me so that I will always try to prove that I am trustworthy. I told Blair not to worry about this new girl because she already had a thing for Kornfeld, Blair's boss, the Director of Finance. Blair confirmed this with her spies, who said Kelsey was already talking about the Director of Finance. Although this was kind of odd on the surface because Kornfeld is average looking at best, it was no surprise since he is the ... More About: Marriage , Blair
The Energy Project
2009-08-13 20:46:00 The Energy Project is being implemented across my company. The program is designed to renew and energize your body, emotions, mind, and spirit in order to maximize performance at work. The two day session with Human Resources sucked the life out of me. First off, I had to answer True or False to these questions to determine if "I'm headed for an energy crisis." Body I don’t regularly get at least seven to eight hours of sleep, and I often wake up feeling tired. True. But I make up for it the next day with an overload of caffeine and energy drinks. I frequently skip breakfast, or I settle for something that isn’t nutritious. True. But sometimes the only time married women can hook up is right after their husbands leave for work in the morning. Married women are not nutritious, but they sure do taste good. I don’t work out enough (meaning cardiovascular training at least three times a week and strength training at least once a week). Fa... More About: Relationships , Office Romance
Kessler Got Penguined
2009-08-05 02:44:00 The only way for anyone to speak to Skeffington, the CEO of our company, is to speak to his assistant Charmaine . However, Charmaine got tired of dealing with everyone who wants to speak to Skeffington, so she hired her own assistant. Now, the only way to speak to Charmaine is to speak to her assistant Beth. However, Beth has been instructed to never allow anyone to speak to Charmaine. The only two people who speak to Charmaine directly are Skeffington and Kessler. Charmaine speaks to Kessler because Kessler is the only person who can help her resolve computer issues for Skeffington. Although Skeffington never really has computer issues because Skeffington never does anything on the computer. It's really Charmaine who does all Skeffington's computer work, so Kessler is really resolving computer issues for Charmaine. Apparently, Charmaine has developed a fondness for Kessler. Kessler knows this because the last time Kessler went up to Charmaine's office on the ... More About: Pranks
John Yaya
2009-08-02 00:40:00 I hired an I.T. manager on Friday who has absolutely no experience in I.T. He comes from the gaming industry; although he doesn't have I.T. experience, his producer skills more or less equate to project management skills. Regardless, I didn't hire him to manage projects. I hired him to fuck with Gladstone. His name is John . I call him Yaya after John Yaya from Buckaroo Banzai. Gladstone has grown tired of our daily tasks, which were intended as punishment for the Bonnie Bod/Smithee incident. He believes he has paid his penance. However, the prisons would be empty if we let the guilty decide the duration of their own sentences. Neither Kessler nor I felt his sins had been absolved. So I decided to hire someone to carry out the rest of his punishment since I could no longer count on willing participation. Yaya is a dick. But a subtle dick. The kind that can needle in under your skin and irritate you to the point of lunacy. I know this because he comes ...
Team Building
2009-07-28 18:33:00 Fessler, our CIO, has decided that the IT department needs more team spirit. He does not believe team building is an essential component of any successful organization, but he does believe HR believes this. He also believes that the only way to get HR off his back is to do what they say. Since HR contributes no value to the organization, they feel every department should also contribute nothing at least once in a while. The best way to get each department to contribute nothing once in a while is to force them to do activities HR pretends are important but in reality add no value. Like team building. And although Fessler hates his own direct reports and spends as little time as possible with them, he is forcing the rest of us to spend more time with the people we hate so that everyone will somehow enjoy their time at work even more and therefore become more productive. Mulhausen has assigned me to be a member of the official company IT Team Spirit Committee. Rah rah. I hav... More About: Building
Kelsey
2009-07-23 00:01:00 HR called me in for questioning today regarding the missing toilet paper in the men's bathroom on the executive floor on 34. And while I promised I had nothing to do with it, the fact of the matter is, I had everything to do with it. I don't have anything against the executives on the 34th floor. This was simply a task that Gladstone had to complete today. This was strictly business. It was also Kessler's idea, so while technically I had everything to do with it, conceptually, I had very little to do with it. Triplet the VP of HR let me leave after 15 minutes of interrogation once she thought she had uncovered a new, promising lead. I told her that I caught sight of Fernandez walking down the hallway carrying a plastic bag filled with something fluffy. Gladstone was told to stash the toilet paper in Fernandez' office, behind the couch. When I left Triplet's office, I saw a cute, young blond girl leaving Maxine the Recruiter's office. The girl was w... More About: Finance , Human Resources
Problem Resolution
2009-07-18 03:01:00 Bonnie Bod has been locked up again. It was really very simple to eliminate her as a problem. After having extracted a confession from Gladstone, Jack Bauer style, I called Pangbourn and told him that Bonnie Bod had tried to breech our network for the purposes of Terrorist activities again. I told him I had no hard evidence of this, but I did have strong suspicions. That was good enough for him. Pangbourn then called Homeland Security again and told them that Bonnie Bod had tried to breech our network for the purposes of Terrorist activities again. He told them that he had no hard evidence of this, but he did have strong suspicions. That was good enough for them. Bonnie Bod has once again been taken into custody for covert terrorist activities. Unfortunately, they will not be able to take her to Guantanamo Bay this time. Gladstone has been put on probation. He is not allowed to fuck any User who has not been approved by The User Pool committee, which is chaired by ... More About: Problem , Resolution
Jack X
2009-07-11 23:40:00 Gladstone found himself in the backseat of his own car with a hood over his head so that he wouldn't know where Kessler and I were taking him. I made it a white hood, just to inject a little sardonic humor into the situation. He didn't find it funny. When I pulled the hood off, he found himself tied to a chair in Chelsea the Intern's living room. "Okay, very funny guys," he said. "It's real amusing." Chelsea the Intern brought out a bag, then started placing the items in the bag on the table next to him. "You think this is amusing?" I asked. The items she placed on the table were: Curling Iron Spatula HD cable Toothpick Spoon Purple dildo the size of my fist Gladstone looked up at me, rolled his eyes. I hovered around Gladstone for a moment, just to make him sweat. He was calm though. Like he didn't fear pain or death. Or couldn't imagine what I was capable of. "You know what we want," I said. "Make it easy on yourself... Or I use one of those o... More About: Jack Bauer , Jack
24 (-16)
2009-07-09 01:13:00 9:00 a.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom... Gladstone is back from New Orleans. I need to find him. Question him. But this time, I'll have to do whatever it takes to get the answers. He's the only person who can lead me to Smithee. 10:08 a. m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom... Nobody knows where Gladstone is. Not even his boss, Tefft. She tries to sell me some of her daughter's Girl Scout cookies. It must be a diversion. I tell her the Girl Scouts are really a front for a left wing radical organization trying to brainwash Republicans with mind control drugs they bake into the cookies. I told her to Google it. That'll keep her busy for a while. 11:25 a.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom... Gladstone still can't be found. He knows what's coming. He must have been on Twitter while in New Orleans. On my way back to my office, Tawny the Temp skips by with a smile on her face. I go into my office and find something wrapped in a newspaper on my desk. (I wasn't aware newspaper...
Prostitutes Are Not Dysfunctional
2008-05-27 02:36:00 I do not like prostitutes because they like me. I do not like things I can have; I like things I cannot have. Blair was a bitch, Blendi was a virgin, Athena was a Lesbian, Lucia was a religious fanatic. If nothing else, I like women who cannot be mine because they belong to someone else. Prostitutes belong to everyone, including me, which is why I can never have one. If a prostitute turned me down, then I would want her. But since prostitutes will always never turn me down, I will always never want one. Most of all, I like women who are dysfunctional. Prostitutes are not dysfunctional and here's why: The rules are very well defined and are explicitly stated up frontTheir cost of doing business is standard across all servicesReligious beliefs do not restrict servicesThey are not passive aggressive; they say what they mean and mean what they sayYou always meet their expectationsYou do not need to fit their predefined standard of what a man should beThere is never anything that needs ... More About: Humor , Thailand , Satire
Troubleshooting
2008-05-22 02:26:00 The best way to troubleshoot an issue in Technology is to blame someone else. Anger them into troubleshooting the issue to prove you wrong, then when they come back and throw the root cause down at your feet with arrogant vindication, all you have to do is fix the issue. They did the hard part. That's how I handled Bonnie Body today. She's in charge of Interfaces. She's got a hot bod with what appear to be fake tits. I'm not a big fan of fake tits. I'm not a big fan of basketball either, but if I'm at a bar and a game is on the big screen, it definitely holds my attention. I've always just admired her body but never really had interest. She's always so serious. But today she just seemed so angry and excited at the same time, I got all angry and excited. For the first time ever I saw a glint of mutual interest in her eye. So I asked her what she did for fun. Surprisingly, she started talking about her personal life. I expected her to blow off the question an... More About: Humor , Satire , Troubleshooting
Black Olives
2008-05-09 03:37:00 Conklin has a tummy ache. Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt did call the police and the police did say a detective would get back to her. Conklin has been very upset ever since. Which is why he's been eating too many black olives. When Conklin gets upset, he usually calms himself down by smoking an American Spirit. Unfortunately, he recently quit smoking. Fortunately, eating black olives seems to have a similar calming effect, although not quite as satisfying. Unfortunately, eating too many black olives makes him sick to his stomach. Personally, my preference would be green olives, because that reminds me of drinking a martini, which would calm me down if I were upset. "Why aren't you upset?" Conklin asked. "She called the cops.""We didn't kill your slutty wife," I calmly said. "The truck did." "Failing to kill someone is still a crime. It's called Attempted Murder.""Conklin," I said. "When ... More About: Humor , Satire , Black , Olives , Detective
Can't Lesbians All Get Along?
More articles from this author:2008-05-07 03:04:00 Athena the Lesbian is upset because Lesbians have rights too, not just lesbians.It took me a little while to figure out what she was talking about, but this is the gist:"Lesbians are suing lesbians for calling themselves lesbians and making it seem like all Lesbians are lesbians too, even if you're a Lesbian who's only attracted to men. And it's worse for male Lesbians."Athena the Lesbian was so upset, she almost couldn't blow me in the Comm closet the other day. But I assured her that a little fellatio would take her mind off the subject of lesbians and that it would help calm her nerves. Apparently it did calm her nerves but calmed my nerves even more because I completely forgot about lesbians of any sort. Athena the Lesbian, however, was talking about the sore subject of Lesbians suing lesbians again within minutes after swallowing.All because the Lesbians on Lesbos are suing the lesbians in Greece for using the term lesbian to refer to gay women, but unfortunately,... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire 1, 2, 3 |
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